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Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Seriously, I Hope Y'All Love Batista vs. Rey...
By Aaron Wood
To be honest
with you kids, I've had a long, busy and VERY COLD week, so I've not got much
time to fart about with wacky themes this week, so further to my incredible
impression of him while drunk on my last FCW audio (and no, while I may have
been a bit more entertaining in that show, I can't drink for every one!) and
also to cheer up the lovely Jana Bulloch, after she almost cracked up writing
the Real Time for that largely awful Impact show on Monday night, it's a bunch
of Eddie Izzard clips. You know. The dude from The Riches. Yeah.
He does Stand-Up Comedy as well.
Watch and learn from the executive action-transvestite!
LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Drew McIntyre & John Morrison had such a good match, I forgot to write a comedy headline for it, Rey Mysterio got it bang on time, Kane nearly fell victim to a chinlock and Beating Clocks didn't matter a jot in the end... THIS WEEK… For what it's worth on this now near-daily updating of the WWE bumper, Flair is still in after Jeff was taken out and replaced by Kofi. Just shows you what a slap in the face Jeff gave the WWE that he's out and Flair who showed up about 5 minutes later, is still in. That said, since RIC FLAIR was HARDLY ON THE F**KING SHOW, I'd be surprised if anyone at WWE noticed he was on at all. We start properly with a recap of last week's almost entirely pointless Beat The Clock challenge, given how Rey tried to pull and Eddie Guerrero only for Vickie Guerrero to call bulls**t, and set up Batista vs. Rey anyway. What is it with everyone wanting to quit this week? We cold open to Batista's entrance, and Dave is rather peeved. Still not angry enough not to be dressed like a tool though. Batista demanded that the music be cut, a spotlight be put on him and then for the music to start up again. I had wondered the last week or two how they did that first entrance with the spotlight and then it went back to normal. Seems like it was actually a plot point! Anyway, the Displeased Deacon went to the ring and said it was a new year, but nothing had changed since he was getting booed and Teddy Long was still giving him the shaft. First he got screwed at TLC and now has the nerve to say nothing about Rey getting involved in his match last week. He appreciated Vickie trying to make thing right, but she wasn't the GM. She should be, but she's not. So as the rightful champion was demanding an explanation. Out you get Thaddeus! Tell Batista why he's getting unfairly treated or there's no match with Rey. He wasn't kidding. If there's now Long, he was walking and the people would be going with him, since they paid to see him. However, instead of a small African American guy with a shiny head, Batista got a small Mexican man with a masked head. Rey said that he would explain why Dave wasn't World Champion. He was blinded by selfishness and greed and now everyone could see his true colours. He was just an arrogant cry-baby. Batista took exception to this and said he beat Rey's time last week. Mysterio said he got payback. Batista ruined his championship match, so he was returning the favour. Rey was ready to go tonight. But it didn't look like Batista was ready to wrestle. Wait! Are you scared? Rey surmised Batista was scared he was going to win again. But hey, if TNA think they can resurrect the nWo (complete with music for Hogan that astounds me that WWE are suing over right now), let use one of their gimmicks and take a poll. Does the crowd think Batista is scared? the crowd cheered but Dave got angry. He promised to win and make sure Rey didn't walk out of the building. Rey said he was winning and the one who was walking out tonight was him. For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite (From "Around The Universe") Dolph Ziggler def. Kane by Count Out in a "Dolph REALLY wants that sleeper..." match Kane came out as we came back, followed by Ziggler as we shot to last week and saw Ziggler's sleeper hold on Kane as the buzzer went, and his subsequent Zig Zag. Dolph used his speed early, but as he tried to slide under, Kane caught him and went to work. Side headlock takeover by KANE~! was followed by a snapmare and basement dropkick for 2. Mr. Ziggles was put up top and he managed to bat Kane down long enough to hit a missile dropkick. Kane looked to counter a neckbreaker, but Dolph turned it into a DDT for a 1 count. Rolling neck snap again scored a 1. Ziggler looked for a BIEL~! on Kane. I'm not lying. Kane broke out the headlock takeover and Ziggler tried to biel the giant monster. However, while that was reversed, Ziggler locked in the sleeper again. Kane rammed him into the corner. Ziggler looked for a DDT out of the corner, but Kane shoved off and then worked Ziggler over in the corners. The side slam was blocked, but Kane hit a big boot for a 2 count. Kane hit the side slam at the second time of asking for 2. He headed up top for the clothesline which connected. Kane called for the chokeslam, which got the crowd going, but Ziggler kicked and elbowed his way out of it, before side-stepping Kane and hitting the Zig Zag, but it only picked up a close 2 count. Ziggler went back to the sleeper hold once again, with the bodyscissors locked on. Kane dropped to his knees, but got back up and indeed tumbled himself out of the ropes. However, Ziggler actually held onto the hold as they both fell to the floor. The referee counted the 10. Ziggler let go at 8 and dived back in the ring, but Kane didn't quite have the clarity to make it back in, giving Dolph the win! ---------- 6.5/10 - An interesting match to keep this angle going. I'm definitely interested to see where this sleeper thing goes with Dolph. I doubt that he's adding it to his repertoire permanently, but you never know. Beyond that though, it was fine enough for what it was. ---------- Ziggler couldn't quite believe what he managed to do. We came back to find out that while Fozzy has one official theme of the Royal Rumble, some band called Skillet have another. Never mind any of those though. They should do a vignette of The Miz's new entrance theme. Wouldn't a trough of lettuce be healthy, and logically not something Mickie would want to eat??? We cut backstage to see Beth Phoenix and Team LayCool, as Michelle was sucking up and apologising to Beth for the kick last week. It was TOTALLY meant for Mickie and just trying to help. Beth didn't need it, but they wanted to try. You know, like they tried to help Mickie. they even got her a present, which Layla picked up. It was a pink trough filled with lettuce leaves. Beth was annoyed and said they were unbelievable. The others took it as a compliment, but Beth clarified to say it was unbelievable that they were playing games when she was facing Layla later, so they should start getting serious. LayCool proceeded to s**t themselves, with Michelle glad it was Layla and not her. We then cut to Chris Jericho who was talking about people laughing at him for getting booted off RAW (by the way, it looks like he will actually be on RAW on Monday. Hey, Tyson has to punch somebody...), and he was actually talking to The Hart Dynasty. However, said Jericho, he was still the best at what he did and how he was the face of Smackdown. But they still had business to attend to tonight. Now a couple of weeks ago, he told them to make an impact, and they did by taking his head off. But hey, Chrissy respects that, because they went after the biggest guy in the company. A smart move. But are you going to continue to make an Impact. Natalya said that they were ready, and while Jericho may be the best now, nothing lasts forever and their time was now. David Hart Smith said what happened to Bret on Monday was an embarrassment to them and the family. Tyson said it was as they told him, they were better than the best, period. Chris Jericho & The Hart Dynasty def. R-Truth & Cryme Tyme in a "So I assume it was DH that Bret was referring to having made Jericho cry..." match R-Truth came out as we headed to a break with his partners, Cryme Tyme making their entrance when we came back. Their opponents followed. Tyson and Truth started things off. They traded hammerlocks before Truth did some ducking and diving before hitting a dropkick. JTG tagged in and they hit a double flapjack for a 2 count. Shad came in, and they double-teamed Kidd as well, which allowed them to talk about Mike Tyson hosting RAW next week, but somehow, for once, completely avoiding mentioning that Shad was once a bodyguard for him. Shad tagged Truth back in after a back elbow, but Tyson fired a kick in and tagged in Jericho. He was hiptossed coming in before Truth hit a bicycle kick for a 2 count. Jericho blocked a corner charge, but was hit with a jumping heel kick as we took another break. We returned with Shad working Jericho over in the corner. Shad pressed Jericho over his head before dropping him down, but as Tyson distracted the ref, DH Smith low-bridged the top rope, sending Shad out. Jericho rolled Shad back in, before punting the ribs. Kidd tagged in and hit some rapid-fire stomps, before Jericho got a cheapshot in. Jericho tagged back in, but Shad fired a shot in before running into a dropkick. Tyson tagged in once again, as apropos of nothing, The Legend That Is Todd Grisham effectively said that Tyson has OC, calling him a "neat freak" who needed everything to be perfectly tidy and in it's place. I used to live with an OCD sufferer at Uni. It was fun. I'd put cornflakes in his shoes. He would be annoyed by the mess, but he'd make sure to count all the flakes first! Kidd knocked Truth off the apron, but was hit with a clothesline. JTG and Jericho took tags in. JTG went to work on Jericho as Matt Striker fired off about 3485 different meanings for JTG. JTG hit the Shout Out for a 2 count that Tyson broke up the pin on. Everyone got rid of each other. JTG scored a schoolboy for 2, but as he then went for the leg lariat off the second rope, Jericho caught him and put on a proper old school Walls Of Jericho/Liontamer on JTG for the tapout win. ---------- 7.5/10 - All in all, a really fun, all-action tag match. Just one thing though. I wonder why DH Smith didn't tag in once... ---------- The quadruple of Canadians celebrated in the aisle before we saw Punk & Gallows walk the halls with a Slammy and a chair. Someone's going back to OVW with some explaining to do... TOMY THE CHIM~! introduced CM Punk as the announcers talked about how Punk promised to save a member of the WWE Universe in every city they went to. If this is how Bryan Danielson eventually debuts and it means a team of Punk & Danielson, I'll be in f**king heaven. As well as the Slammy & chair, Punk had a small make-up bag with him as well. He told the crowd to quiet down before saying he made a promise. A pledge if you will. A pledge to save one very lost soul today. His crusade was very real, and he was someone who kept his promises unlike us. So who wanted to be saved? Who had what it took to embrace the Striaght Edge lifestyle. He picked out a guy in a maroon hoodie and sent Luke to go and get him. Now, basically, sorry to spoil things for you, but he is an OVW Wrestler by the name of Ted McNailer. The good thing is, for once, the plant wasn't clearly built like a wrestler, since he's a bit under-sized, which kinda plays into his gimmick. But here they called him James. Punk said he could tell he was scared, but he had nothing to fear. Nothing to fear at all anymore in fact. Punk could read him like a book. He thought he was hopelessly addicted, to which James nodded. They had James take a seat. Punk said what was about to happen was the most important moment of his entire life. He was about to save him. He had James raise his right hand. He asked James if he was ready to stop living like the rest of the losers, which James affirmed he was. When asked if he promised to stop, James said he tried a few times to stop smoking, but Punk snapped and said that wasn't good enough. He needed to stop trying and start doing, making James promise to stop abusing his body with drugs and booze and cigarettes. Was James willing to find the willpower to just say no? James said he was going to change. Punk said change was easier said than done, and actions spoke louder than words, so he had one more thing to do. Gallows produced a set of hair clippers. James wasn't sure about losing his doo, but Punk made him sit down again. He said what was about to happen was a symbol of commitment. A fresh start for James. A clean slate. His past being governed by abuse ends now. Punk proceeded to take the clippers to James's hair. And rather unlike every other wrestling haircut, Punk actually did a pretty good job of it. It wasn't perfect, but at least they got it off pretty cleanly. Punk said that when he looked in the mirror, James would know he's stronger than everyone else. Stronger than those who needed a drink to put a smile on their face. James mouthed "thank you" to Punk before holding his hand. They raised James's arms and welcomed James to their society, promising to do the same next week. You know, while they might have gotten through some of it a bit quicker, that was a pretty darn great segment right there. Luke Gallows has his first official singles match next. Who does he face? Well, a clue is that his brother turned his back on a verbal agreement to have a match at Wrestlemania to debut for TNA on Monday night. I wonder who is going to win... We came back to a video about Maria going Celebrity Apprentice. Luke Gallows def. Matt Hardy in a "I wonder how much laughing there was in Titan Towers when Jeff got indicted???" match We cut to Punk & Gallows still in the ring. As Hardy came out, they pimped out the ECW homecoming thing next week that Punk is also in. You know, since there is now ZERO chance of Punk facing Jeff at Mania, I wouldn't have Punk win on Tuesday. I'd have Punk win the Rumble. I know, it makes no sense unless Sheamus loses the title quickly to a babyface, since by the time Mania comes around, it'll otherwise be 2 of Sheamus, Batista or Undertaker who will be champions, and Undertaker will be busy with HBK. But right now, it's either that or between HHH & Randy Orton for the Rumble, and even I'm a little fed up with HHH winning, or at least seeming to, and Orton leaves the same quandary as Punk, and right now, I'd prefer Punk. That said, he'll probably just get thrown in MITB again since that's the simplest solution all round and no-one will say anymore about it. But I digress. Hardy looked to work the arm, but when Gallows put an end to that idea quickly by knocking him down and stomping him, after Luke missed a leg drop, Hardy went after the left leg. He wrapped it round the rope and punted it. Gallows kicked Hardy off before they traded blows. Hardy looked for a suplex, but Gallows countered dropping him on the top rope and knocking him to the outside. He rammed Hardy into the side of the ring before rolling him back in. Back suplex scored a 2 count for Gallows. Gallows locked in a double underhook with bodyscissors. Hardy got out of it and went for a sunset flip, but Gallows kicked out quick and laid in some blows. Gallows locked in a chinlock. Hardy fought out, but was whipped into the corner. Hardy avoided the charge and hit a moonsault for 2. Neckbreaker by Hardy scored another 2 count. Clothesline in the corner, but the bulldog was blocked. However, he did hit a swinging DDT for a 2 count. Punk got on the apron to distract Hardy, which worked like a charm, because when Punk got down again, Hardy turned into a big boot and the 12th Step for a Gallows win. ---------- 6.5/10 - A decent match to help push Gallows's new character. I hope Matt isn't punished for Jeff going to TNA, especially since karma bit them in the ass with Jeff's indictment, but it wouldn't surprise me if Matt can't get the brother who left on the best of terms and a verbal agreement for the biggest show of the year to stick to his word and head to the competition, such as it is. ---------- We cut backstage to see Teddy Long and Maria as they talked about Celebrity Apprentice some more. However, Vickie came in with platitudes for Maria. She said she was going to do it, but she was too busy running Smackdown. Indeed, Maria reminded Vickie of her younger self. Beautiful, smart, ambitious... Teddy wondered when it started going downhill for her. Maria giggled. Guerrero said that Maria must have great business acumen, so let's look at the new action figure range from Mattel! Actually, I like the looks of these figures. They aren't way too exaggerated as recent lines have been. They look like the more realistic ones from my youth. Maria gave a sales pitch for them, Apprentice-style. Teddy popped back in saying he couldn't wait to see Vickie's. It'll probably be the biggest of them all. Speaking of big...we panned UP to see The Great Khali as Runjin said that the new figures were awesome. Especially Vickie's, since they reminded him of the cows back in India. Khali mooed in Vickie's face as the segment ended. Khali needs to moo more... Beth Phoenix def. Layla in a "To be fair Beth, you did hit your finisher last week..." match Layla offered a hand, but was taken down and dominated. Beth taunted McCool, drawing a line in the sand before dumping Layla out. Michelle rolled her friend back in, but soon after, Phoenix hit the Glam Slam for the win. ---------- 4/10 - A nice exhibition of moves for Beth, but this was all about the angle of Mickie helping before getting her attack back on Beth. ---------- After the match, the heels acted scared until they could get close enough to jump Beth. As Layla held Beth, Michelle kicked her in the head and put some punches in before Mickie James ran in for a save. Mickie and Beth managed to get rid of Team LayCool. Beth smiled and moved towards Mickie, but Mickie hit Beth in the head with the Mick Kick. Todd & Matt sent it to the RAW Rebound. Some guy named Bret was there. Can't think why. No really, in all seriousness, seeing HBK & Bret make up in the ring, no matter how real it was (although I believe that was pretty much as close to a shoot you'll get in that regard), was one of the most surreal moments in my wrestling fandom. We came back to see Josh with THE SCOTTISH INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION~!, Drew McIntyre. Josh said that he's beaten John Morrison a couple of times but not without controversy. This sent it to last week when Drew bundled Morrison into the ref, causing the ref to DQ Morrison . Drew said while we may have seen him shove Morrison, we also saw that Morrison became incredibly frustrated, which proves the magnitude of his victory. He dominated Morrison. He proved he was the better man, and when Morrison realised it, he snapped. Drew said he was undefeated and become the first IC Champion to win the Royal Rumble. Morrison walked in and said he was feeling a vibe, before saying he heard Drew claim victory while mimicking him. It was easy to talk that way while he wasn't there, but now he is, what's he gotta say to his face? Come on! Give JoMo a reason. Drew did nothing, which Morrison expected. Drew got in Morrison's face before saying he was moving onto bigger and better things than him. Morrison said it was getting boring, and if one of them was going to lose their tempter, it may as well be him. Morrison slapped Drew before sending him into a flight case before a couple of referees, Dean Malenko and Ricky Steamboat broke them up. Rey Mysterio & Batista wrestled to a No Contest in a "I do love it when Undertaker insists on making life difficult for himself..." No. 1 Contenders match Rey was out first and then, indeed, they did Batista's new entrance properly with the spotlight. Rey elected to have a foot race, ducking out at the bell before ducking in the ring and hitting a dropkick. However, when Batista got back in the ring, he grabbed Rey and dumped him in the corner before working him over. He whipped Rey across hard before following with a backbreaker. Batista hit an over-the-shoulder backbreaker. Rey blocked a corner charge, and while Batista blocked the headscissors the first time, Rey was able to whip Batista off into the ropes and teased the 619 but Batista slipped out the ring. Rey looked to dive out, but Batista caught him and ran him into the post as we took a break. Rey was on the top rope when we came back, and he was fighting Batista off, kicking him off before hitting a Frog Splash. However, Batista was laying in a way that saw Rey land on Dave's shoulder leaving both men down. We saw that during the break, Dave continued to work the back. Rey hit a springboard, but he landed right into a spinebuster. Batista picked Mysterio up and hit another one. A big spear followed. Batista posed, shook the ropes and looked to finish. However, as he set for it, the gong went off and the lights went out. When they came back on, Batista was down holding his head. Rey was wondering what happened. He collected himself first and hit some shots and a basement dropkick before hitting the wheelbarrow bulldog. Rey Rey hit a DDT to counter a powerslam. Rey then kicked Batista into 619 position, hitting it. However, as he set to springboard in, the gong sounded and the lights went off again. And when they came back on, both men were down and out. A third time saw the lights go out once more, but this time, The Undertaker's entrance video played and pyro went off, although there was no actual Undertaker. And as we saw fire on stage and sore bodies in the ring, the show just ended... ---------- 6.5/10 - This was OK stuff, but they won't have blown anyone away, and the complete non-finish did it no favours at all. I mean, indeed, why would Undertaker want to face both guys? There'd better be a promo next week explaining himself. ---------- OVERALL - 6.5/10 (-1.5 on last week) - A really decent show. Nothing was bad on it, but nothing, other than the really well done "redemption" segment, really stood out either. Actually, I have LITERALLY JUST THIS SECOND thought of a way that Punk could be highly involved at Wrestlemania, and it relates back to something I said earlier. With these segments, have Punk be more and more violent to the people in some way. Have Punk & Gallows attack them a little more and then a little bit more. And then, one week, have Bryan Danielson (who by the way, will be heading to FCW AT HIS REQUEST, meaning there could easily be a Danielson/Kaval match coming up in the Yak Trak's future) make his debut as someone who wants be saved, but then changes his mind, but this time, he fights back. BAM~! Danielson vs. Punk at Wrestlemania! I know... Not going to happen. Nice thought though. So long as Punk doesn't actually win the title with the MITB shot this time please... Anyway, again I digress. Show was OK, but it was missable. Aaron is getting REALLY fed up with the cold now. At least the snow seems to have abated for a while and headed south, but the temperatures are heading towards arctic levels, frankly, and it's really quite annoying. Here's just hoping that tomorrow will be dry enough to dig a little way out for his car, see if the frigging thing will move and to go the shops with it. Indeed, at this point, he's worried about making it to Manchester in a couple of weeks for the TNA show, because things could last that length. You can find him either on Facebook, MySpace(myspace.com/aaron24wood), or on Twitter(twitter.com/aaron24wood). And don't forget to check out the ClubWWI Twitter feed while you're there. Or if you're into gaming, Aaron's Playstation Network screen name is, you guessed it, aaron24wood as well!
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...
Lance
Cade D-Ray
3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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