Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: What Happens In Vegas, No Contests In Vegas
By Aaron Wood
Jan 20, 2012 - 6:10 PM

Hello everyone, this week, I continue on the new music tip, with the first in a few weeks of personal picks of mine of bands making their first releases this year. No order of preference. Just some good music.

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: David Otunga and Santino Marella saw who was the better little bitch, Brodus Clay barely let the wrestling get in the way of his funking, Natalya got a literal do-over and AJ was this week's Mark Henry...

As you could probably guess, we opened with a recap of last week's "tragic" events with Big Show body checking AJ at speed and Bryan's epic chewing out of him.

Plausible deniability
We opened up with Daniel Bryan coming to the ring and taking a mic. As the place roundly booed the guy, he said that tonight was called "Sin City Smackdown" and this was apt, not just because they were in Vegas, but Big Show committed a "sin" last week on AJ. He's the World's Largest athlete while AJ was a tiny 95 pounds. Bryan said that it was no accident on Show's part, and his tears were crocodile tears. Big Show was bitter because his World Title reign was the shortest in history, and after he cashed in MITB for the title, he never lived it down. He's a bitter, vengeful and selfish freak.

And because of that, AJ has suffered head trauma, a cervical sprain and her career may be over. All because she insisted on being at ringside. And why put herself in harm's way? Because she loves him. Bryan said he never had anyone say that before to him. And he greatly admired her as well. Hence the dedication on RAW, and in spirit she will be in his corner. As for Henry, he was not afraid, like he wasn't by Big Show, who didn't even show up. And that's good, because Bryan couldn't be held responsible for what he'd do. He pleaded with Show to do the right thing and before hurting another innocent victim, do the decent thing and quit.

After the announcers went over the situation to no great advancement, they sent it backstage where we saw a bunch of the roster. playing craps or something or other. We panned across to see Teddy Long and Aksana, the latter wearing wearing a big feather head-dress. And behind them was the ol' RAW Roulette wheel, a concept which Teddy explained. Aksana suggested they have a pillow fight match later tonight.

Cody Rhodes coughed up an interruption. He noted that once upon a time, his brother Goldust spun the wheel and ended up in a Vegas Showgirls match. It was one of those times he realised that he was the last hope for the Rhodes family. Teddy told him to spin. Thankfully, Cody was not set down his brother's path, as it landed on "Player's Choice", so Cody could pick his own opponent. Cody pointed off screen, seemingly suggesting that he wanted to face Big Zeke once again. However, as Zeke got in Cody's face, Cody noted he didn't pick Zeke, and pointed past him. Right at Hornswoggle. Horny dropped his cards and looked dejected.

NZCA/LINES - "Compass Points"

Cody Rhodes def. Hornswoggle Justin Gabriel in a "How has Horny gotten bigger so suddenly and howling like a werewolf? Oh wait...right..." match
We saw a picture of the Strip before Cody made his entrance. As Hornswoggle made his way out, Cody jumped out of the ring to beat the little guy up some at ringside. He toyed with him as Justin Gabriel's music played and he brawled with Cody around ringside. He rolled Cody in the ring before getting a mic and challenging Cody to a match, someone his own size. Cody made sure to demand it was a non-title match before accepting. That almost suggests that he was facing the midget for the belt.

Anyway, the actual match got under way with Gabriel connecting with a dropkick, although Cody hid in the ropes. However, Cody came back with the drop down uppercut and a dropkick. He followed up with a Gordbuster and a chinlock. As Gabriel broke free, Cody headbutted Gabriel in the back of the head before dropping a knee for a 2 count. Rhodes trapped the arm and put on another chinlock, but Justin broke free, before hitting the Eye Of The Hurricane on Cody after slipping out of a slam.

Gabriel hit a jumping kick to the head and headed up top for the 450, but Cody rolled away quickly. Cody elevated Gabriel up on a charge, looking for the Alabama Slam, but Gabriel slipped out into a roll up for 2. A backslide got the same, before he blocked a charge and hit a springboard crossbody for a 2 count. Gabriel charge, but the monkey flip was turned into a stungun and Rhodes quickly hit CrossRhodes for the win. As Cody left the ring, he threw a smirk Hornswoggle's way.

We cut backstage with Mark Henry at the wheel, as Mark was getting to make the spin for his match. Henry was credulous about the entire show. He blamed Long for putting AJ in harm's way, and now he had put Daniel Bryan in harm's way. Henry then demanded Long spin the wheel since it was his stupid idea. It ended up on Lumberjack match. That was cool for Henry, saying that Bryan was going to enter the Hall Of Pain.

Epico & Primo def. The Usos in a "And just as they needed babyface challengers too..." Tornado Tag match
Your non-Spice addicted Tag Team champions came out as we just heard it was a Tornado Tag match, rather than seeing any wheel spun. Although the announcers claimed that Rosa spun the wheel for that result. The Usos then did the Siva Tau. Entrance. The Usos started off hot, hitting a double elbow drop on Epico and then a backbreaker, fist drop combo on Primo. That picked up a 2 count. Primo dumped Jey Uso out fo the ring and the cousin went to work over Jimmy. A double suplex picked up a paid of near falls.

Jimmy telegraphed a back drop and this allowed the brothers to make a comeback, hitting stereo stinger splashes in the corner, followed by stereo ass splashes, as they talked of Rikishi giving Booker a stinkface once that saw Booker vomit all over Cole. As one fo the Usos was outside with Primo, Rosa started yelling at him, distracting him long enough for Primo to drive him into the side of the ring. Meanwhile, the other Uso hit an impressive Crossbody, turning 90 degrees to hit it. However, that only picked up 2 when Primo broke up the count. He immediately hit the Backcracker for the three count.

The Cast Of Cheers - "Goose"

Our first Royal Rumble moment of the night was last year's 40-man Rumble with Santino Marella nearly winning the damn thing, only for Del Rio to thankfully win it anyway.

We went back to the wheel, and suffice to say that Aksana's lighting team and sax player had finally shown up for work, as it was suddenly in full effect. She made a handjob joke with Vegas slot machines. That got cut off though when Sheamus walked in. Aksana spun the wheel and Sheamus' match with Wade Barrett was a a tables match. This was alright with him.

Brodus Clay def. Vickie Guerrero in a "Now, see, if Brodus had said, "Funky Gibbon", then Regal would have known what he was on about..." Dance Off
Brodus came out, doing his full entrance before the break. After it, we were treated to Vickie Guerrero yelling "EXCUSE ME!" as she was half way down the ramp. And DAMN... If she was hot on RAW (and she was) she was hotter here! She said Lady Luck was on her shoulders tonight as she was Clay's opponent in the dance off. And she was gonna show us her thing. She did some ebonics, before starting to dance.


Imagine a baby deer struggling to take it's first steps.

Now, imagine that baby deer taking it's first steps was trying to do the robot.

Now, imagine that same robot-dancing unstable baby deer was having a seizure.

THAT was Vickie Guerrero "dancing". F**king hilarious.

Brodus then let Cameron and Naomi do their thing, before essentially just jiggling his lardy ass. Lillian polled the crowd (after calling Vickie "Vickie Guerrera") and Brodus won the popular vote. Vickie demanded she dance again, but in doing so, this drew out William Regal. He said that as an English Gentleman, he couldn't allow this to continue. He begged they not laugh at Vickie Hilarious moment saw him put his arm round her, with her taking the handkerchief from his pocket and loudly blowing her nose into it.

He got her out of the ring, but Brodus wondered where William was going. He wanted to see what Regal was made off, wondering if he was a "funky chicken". That said, the way Clay said it, it sounded so much like "fucky chicken". He then proceeded to do an impression of a chicken, an impression which he could have been inspired from by only one thing...

Regal was hilarious in reacting to this. He got back in the ring and asked for his music. And lo, it was awesome. However, as he was cutting some rug, Brodus came off the ropes and Regal turned round into the "Ah, Funk It!". He got on the mic and said "My bad" before suggesting someone call Regal's Momma. This was one of the funniest segments in a long time.

Y Niwl - "Undegpedwar"

Wade Barrett def. Sheamus in a "Insert cheap and hacky "got wood" joke here..." Tables match
Wade worked Sheamus into the corner, but Sheamus switched and fired back. Wade telegraphed a backdrop, but Sheamus tossed Wade out of the ring. Sheamus went out too, but was driven into the side of the ring. Wade got himself a table, but Sheamus cut him off before he could do anything with it. He rammed Wade's head off of the announce desk, set up the table and looked for a powerslam, but Wade slipped out and shoved him into the ringpost.

In the ring, Wade hit the knee in the ropes before hitting a big boot, but Sheamus failed to land on the table right behind him. Wade got on the apron, suggesting a suplex over the ropes, but Sheamus countered and hit the clubbing blows. He then hit a running forearm, but Barrett cleared the table, hitting the announce desk instead. Sheamus got himself a table, but Wade, in the ring, kicked it into Sheamus' face as he was about to slide it in.

Wade slid the table in himself and opened it out. Sheamus countered out of the slam Wade was about to hit, and began a comeback. He put Wade on the table and headed up top. However, Wade got up and cut him off. They teased a superplex, but Wade was knocked down, and Sheamus ended up jumping over the table. Sheamus hit the Irish Curse before setting up the table in the corner. He wanted the Celtic Cross, but Jinder Mahal hit the apron. Sheamus dropped Wade and took a swing at Mahal, but Wade caught him with a back kick and then tossed Sheamus into and through the propped table for the win.

Jinder Mahal tried to pick up the scraps, setting up a table in the corner. However, Sheamus slipped out of a slam, hitting the Brogue Kick and then a spinebuster-cum-spear through tha table, leaving Mahal laying.

Ted DiBiase def. Hunico in a "Like we weren't going to see the stars & stripes waved..." Flag match
Both participants got to the ring before we even found out what match they were in, as Teddy did a spin backstage for it there and then. It ended up on the most patriotic match in the world, the Flag match. This meant a crew of guys had to run out and hastily set up a couple of poles and the US and Mexican flags. Which in terms of making things seem "real" was fine, but it did essentially leave dead air time for the announcers to fill. That said, they did a funny as Cole suggested Booker tell everyone the rules of a flag match before then saying them himself in doing so. We also got a PIP promo from Ted DiBiase, who was confused as to why they never went to his parties as they were open to everyone., although after this match, they could have their own pity party.

Ted DiBiase quickly hit the sitout facebuster powerbomb thing before going for his flag. Hunico cut him off with a powerbomb out of the corner. He went for the Mexican flag, but Ted cut him off with an Electric Chair drop. Hunico elevated Ted way out of the ring before heading up again. However, DiBiase shoved Hunico down the other side onto Camacho. However, Ted was hurting at the knee, so Hunico cut him off. However, Hunico was elevated face first into the corner, Ted hit Dream Street and managed to climb up and grab Ol' Glory for the win.

We saw Daniel Bryan talking to Kaitlyn in the back. I would suggest they were really banging and were going to break AJ's heart, but it occurred to me over the last week that AJ could very well be in on things with DanBry, deliberately putting herself in the way last week. Either way, Bryan's banging a slamming hottie.

DZ Deathrays - "Rad Solar" (Contains flashing images that may be harmful to epileptics)

The RAW Rebound was the pretty friggin' awesome ending to RAW.

Back on Smackdown, Drew McIntyre was backstage. He wasn't getting to spin the wheel however, as Long said that three weeks ago, he told Drew that he was "this close" to being fired. Well, time's up. Drew's gone. However, Santino Marella walked in and asked him to reconsider, as he had heard people saying his win over Drew was a lucky one and wanted to show that it wasn't. SO Drew got to "double down" and spin the wheel after all. Arse. Blindfold match. Santino did some more schtick, walking off with his eyes shut to prepare, only to talk into a comedy sound effect.

Santino Marella def. Drew McIntyre in a "I wish I was the one wearing a blindfold..." Blindfold match
Three weeks ago, Drew got his full entrance on his return to Smackdown. Two weeks ago, he got an entrance, but not the beginning video part. Last week, he was already in the ring when we came back, but his music was playing. This week, not only was he already in the ring, but we only ever heard Santino's theme. Yes, much like the Ricky Ataki, Zan Panzer, Dusty Wolfe, Barry O and Iron Mike Sharpe's of his day , Drew was treated like a $200 a night enhancement talent... he didn't even get his name announced as Lillian was in mid-announcement as we came back. I sure am dreading visiting tomorrow morning. Just to put the tin-lid on the kiss of death, Booker said he was in his fave five.

The ref put a hood on Drew, but Santino paused to put a blindfold on his gloved Cobra hand, pretending the snake was also blind. Santino did some karate moves at the bell while Drew tried looking for Marella. Santino polled the crowd to locate Drew. thinking he was easy prey, he loaded up the cobra, but Drew walked away. He went for the move, but hit the ring rope. His pained noise allowed Drew to locate him and tackle him out of the ring.

Drew backed up to the ring, but when sensing something behind him, took a swing only to hit the ringpost, injuring his arm. Back in the ring, Santino suspected Charles Robinson of being Drew, but as Lil' Naitch begged off, Drew lifted his hood to take a sneak peek. However, as he put the hood back down, the ref took the blindfold off sf the glove and in a notion THAT SUGGESTED THAT THE GLOVE COULD SEE, Santino pulled back from the move and bent down to pick up the mini-blindfold. However, this meant that Drew now wildly missed on his big boot attempt, crotching himself on the ropes and falling outside. Santino again polled the crowd as Drew pulled himself back in, hitting the Cobra for the three count.

Before the ad break, we saw a bunch of guys come out to be lumberjacks. Funnily enough, Drew was one of them.

Breton - "Edward The Confessor"

Daniel Bryan & Mark Henry wrestled to a No Contest in a "So, Sheamus technically won the match, am I right?" Lumberjack match for the World Title
Bryan went for a kick, but Henry caught him and pushed him down and out to the apron. Henry then headbutted Bryan down, as he powered out, shoving Tyler Reks to make space before getting back in. Henry charged Bryan on coming back in, working Bryan over in the corner before standing on his chest. Bryan tried to fight back, but Henry continued to maul his smaller opponent. Bryan ran the ropes, but after ducking a clothesline, tried a shoulder block that obviously went nowhere, with Bryan slipping out of the ring. Wade tossed him back in, but he admonished Wade for touching him.

Back from the final break, Henry was still in control, giving Bryan a huge biel. Bryan was finally able to get some offence in, going for the knee before hitting some shots in the corner. After being shoved back, Bryan hitting the running dropkick into the corner. He hit the Buzzsaw kick, but it only picked up a 2 count. The powerful kick out sent Bryan to the floor once again, where he started holes in Hawkins, Reks, Epico, Primo and Cody. They slowly advanced on him to get him back in the ring.

And back in the ring, he ran right into a clothesline. Another pair of biels followed, although Bryan blocked a charge. However, on running out, he was met with a clothesline that sent him spinning somewhere in the region of 165496465133515340 degrees. I'm not even joking. This picked up a 2 count. And this pissed off Mark Henry. He press slammed Bryan onto some of the lumberjacks.

Bryan started to fight them, hitting DiBiase first before they ganged up on him. Henry got on the apron and brought Bryan back in, but thinking quickly, Bryan hit a dropkick, putting Henry on the floor. All the lumberjacks tried to paw at Henry while Bryan jabbed at Henry with his foot trying to get some cheap shots in.

Wade, Cody, Big Zeke and DiBiase got in the ring and started working over Bryan in a corner. Meanwhile Henry tossed away everyone around him, sending them flying before getting in the ring himself. He picked off Bryan's attackers himself, but as Bryan ran into Henry's arms perfectly for the World's Strongest Slam, Cody kicked Henry in the gut. ALL the lumberjacks invaded the ring and tried to put the boots to Henry. The now ignored Bryan slipped out of the ring unnoticed and headed up the ramp as the lumberjacks just started fighting each other instead.

We watched the ring-in brawl for some moments until catching up backstage, as a fairly pleased Bryan was clutching his belt. Teddy Long caught up with him wondering what the hell he was playing at sloping off like he did. Bryan riled that he was in a No countout No DQ match with Big Show. This week, a Lumberjack match with Mark Henry, with 30 guys trying to beat him up! Long said that at the Royal Rumble, it would be Henry vs. Show vs. Bryan in a cage match. Long left Bryan to assess his newest problem as the show ended. In case you're wondering, Sheamus was the last man standing in the ring, although we didn't see that.

OVERALL - I noted a comment made in last week's viewer by the fine reader "DanB90210" had riled against the WWE burning a stip match with a no result for the second time in 3 weeks (Wade/Orton & Bryan/Show last week) to get over angles. He ain't gonna like this show, then.

My take on it is this, at least in the case of Daniel Bryan. Unlike the Chris Jericho where he's been doing ostensibly babyface-ish things (at leats until Monday, because walking out on a match isn't babyface behaviour)and the idea is that the fans have to connect all the dots and turn on him, a flawed plan for an incredibly popular figure making their return. And that had panned out. What they are doing with Bryan is that they are turning him heel by having him do things that are distinctly heelish. But rather than being an out and out douchebag, they're playing a cleverer game than that. Indeed, he's doing it by being entirely smart about it.

2 weeks ago, he gets out of his match by goading Mark Henry into getting a DQ ending. Last week, he either used (or concocted a plan with) AJ and her love for Bryan to have her out there and to get in Big Show take her out. Because what babyface, or indeed anyone, is going to want to continue a match after that, title on the line or not?

This week, he does a similar trick to the Mark Henry one. He yells at the lumberjacks not to touch him. He shoves Tyler Reks. He gets in faces. There was an important line dropped in commentary as Josh noted that the locker room wasn't too pleased with Bryan's behaviour since winning the title. The end result? He pisses them all off to the point where they can't help but invade the ring and the touch paper is lit. We get chaos, entirely orchestrated by Bryan, meaning his match can't go on. And so he survives another day.

Plus, look at the match types involved. The first was No DQ, No Count Out. Which means No DQ, since count outs are technically DQs in and of themselves. It's not as if every No DQ match from now on will have no result. It's not as if every no DQ match to this point has had no result. This was really quite unique as a finish. And it gave the angle some serious steam. You just have to listen to the crowd in Vegas to feel that.

This week, a lumberjack match. Again, it's not as if in the past or in the future, we're gonna have this sort of finish. Yes, more often than not, the 'jacks get involved and brawl amongst themselves, but 99999 times out of the last 100000 there's still be a regular finish with a winner and loser. These matches aren't dead.

And really rather unlike all the non-finishes they're currently doing in TNA, where they are literally helping no-one and indeed are only doing damage, on this show, they are very much adding to the angle. And in future matches, people will want to see Bryan be beaten by someone after conniving his way out of another one.

I can't get angry about this Drew angle anymore. I'm just annoyed by it all. The guy's good. Sure, he fell for the wrong woman, but that's no reason to fuck him over. This is why, when it comes to the draft, they need to scrap the supplemental draft and indeed only draft people they have plans for on the other brand. Drew moving to RAW was horrible for him to do at the time, as they overloaded on heels of Drew's level, leaving him nowhere to go when he had momentum on Smackdown. I just feel sorry for a couple of people I "know" on Twitter, who were CONVINCED that this was Drew's bright new start when I could see it all coming from a mile away. Fired for real or not (something we should know tonight once the US broadcast airs at least for this week), there's no real coming back. They presented him as the lowest of the low on the card. They've taken a potential money-maker and pissed it away. People aren't going to buy into him, babyface or heel, at this point.

I wanna cheer up though, so let me reiterate that the Dance Off was awesome stuff. There's not too much else I can say about it, but like I said, cheering myself up. The rest of the show was fine enough. The Cody/Gabriel and tag matches had slightly odd booking, especially in the latter if they were thinking of starting programs with the people involved, letting the heel champions win the first matches. I specify the latter given the lack of Air Bong for the next couple of months.

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