Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Big Show Feels Daniel Bryan's Fury. Copes Quite Well.
By Aaron Wood Jan 27, 2012 - 5:33 PM
TweetHey
everyone! Since MTV 2 (or as it wants to be called "MTV Rocks"
in the UK, which is the last remaining decent music channel left is
still persisting on starting the year by doing horrifically long
countdowns of "rock" bands, leading to massive use of
hair-metal (leading to continuous plays of Enter Sandman) and other
assorted garbage (30 Seconds to Mars for example), I'm going to
continue to be an outlet for all that is great and new, and so once
again this week, it's a bunch of bands who hope to make an impact in
2012.
LAST
WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: The WWE continued to screw with me
personally and my countryman, Cody didn't pick his opponent, but
picked whether it was for the title or not, Vickie jiggled her jelly
and the entire locker room was this week's AJ who was the previous
week's Mark Henry...
THIS
WEEK… We
opened with what happened 2 weeks ago when Big Show took out AJ,
pretty much focusing on how cut up Big Show was about it.
Two
and a half men...by size anyway... And
it was with Big Show we'd start as he came to the ring, although his
beanie hat made him look like a cone-head. The guy with the most
ineffectual camouflage said he had a lot to say but didn't know how
to. He cut to the chase and said he was sorry. He said he had said
so to AJ personally, but he wanted to do it in public. She forgave
him right away and he was asking everyone to do the same, but he was
having trouble forgiving himself.
What
happened with AJ wasn't exactly an isolated incident. As a bigger
kid than the rest, he didn't know his own strength and he'd hurt some
kids. But when he came to the WWE, he thought being a freak was all
behind him, and he found a home and loves what he does. However,
after what happened, he didn't think could carry on. Indeed, while
he was proud to be in it, he thought that after Sunday, he'd have to
do some soul-searching.
Daniel
Bryan came out, staring a hole in Big Show as he walked to the ring.
Bryan said that AJ doesn't remember Big Show apologising to her,
given how doped up she was. But Bryan remembered everything. He
remembered watching WWE as a kid thinking it was a place for
athletes, not genetic freaks. And don't even dare illicit the name
of Andre because Show was no Andre The Giant. As the crowd chanted
for Show, Bryan said he had them all fooled. Show doesn't really
have plans to reassess. That's was empty talk, much like the
apologies. If Show was truly serious to repent, he wouldn't be
apologising to anyone. He would retire there and then.
Bryan
started poking Show in the chest, telling him to leave, telling him
if Show couldn't do anything about it, he could. Bryan then slapped
Show across the chops. You can probably guess how this changed
things. With eye like saucers not just conveying the sheer gall of
Bryan hadn't just grown the balls to do such a thing, but essentially
tea-bagging him with them, Show grabbed Bryan by the throat and drove
Bryan into the corner, where with many chin hair about touching,
saying that what happened to AJ was an accident, but what would
happen on Sunday wouldn't, before tossing Bryan down.
Mark
Henry decided that he wanted to get him some of someone, coming down
to the ring. He said that given the lovefest going on, he was
compelled to remind them it was a Triple Threat on Sunday, and he
didn't care about Show's hurt feelings or Bryan's Napoleon complex or
a 95 pound girl in a training bra. Come Mark, taking a shot at AJ's
boobies? Why you gonna be like that, playa? Especially when you're
a fine set of DD's? He told Show he didn't have to "sweet talk"
him about what he could do. He told Bryan to get in his face,
calling him out for weaselling out last week.
Bryan
started begging off like an A-class coward when Teddy Long came out.
Drew McIntyre's past/current/past/current/past/current/past employer
said that we were just three days out of the Royal Rumble PPV and
would we go to it with a whimper or a bang? He already had one main
event in Orton vs. Barrett but he was signing another. 2 weeks ago,
Bryan faced Show and then faced Henry last week, so why not complete
the triangle and have Show vs. Henry. As they stared each other
down, Bryan slipped out of the ring and smirked.
They
sent it to a promo video for Randy Orton's return against Wade.
Pet
- "Middle Child Syndrome"
Cody
Rhodes def. Justin Gabriel in a "Such a shame that Gabriel is
the stopgap between Booker & Goldust..." match Cody
came out first, allowing for a PIP promo where he said he was
granting the "Japanime" troll loser a non-title rematch,
saying that after tonight, he could tell his kids that he faced the
man who going to headline Wrestlemania. When is Ju-Gab facing Rock
or Cena? Gabriel hit a spinning roundhouse kick early for 2, but
Cody came back with the Alabama Slam for a 2 count of his own. Cody
hit a Russian Leg Sweep before working the arm.
Gabriel
fought out and hit a monkey-flip. He hit a flying forearm after
being whipped off the ropes. Cody powdered out, but Gabriel hit a
corkscrew pescado. Back in the ring, Gabriel vaulted in with a
crossbody, but Cody rolled through for a 2 count. Gabriel hit the
STO, but missed a top rope quebrada. Rhodes hit the Beautiful
Disaster and then the Cross Rhodes for the win.
Backstage,
Santino Marella was pitching for shitty Russo-esque match ideas. An
"Extreme" Loser Leaves Town match where the loser would
have to join a crew of monkeys in a spaceship and leave earth. Teddy
was, naturally, not feeling it, but Santino polled Yoshi Tatsu, who
just so happened to be standing right there. He said it was "out
of this world". Santino explain Yoshi was there as they planned
on becoming Tag Team champions. Marella and Yoshi then argued over
whether the team name was Santoshi or Yoshitino. Long, clearly on
the road to a pulmonary embolism was actually rescued by Drew
McIntyre.
And
yes, this meant that Drew (and me) was about to be dicked along some
more. Long said last week has just been like the last several weeks.
Failure. He couldn't beat Santino last week. Even when he cheated.
Drew noted that Babe Ruth once struck out 5 times in one game and
this was no more than a slump. Long said he may have struck out on
occasion, but more often than not, the Babe dinged them out of the
park. And Drew would have to do the same as he'd be facing Sheamus.
Drew did his best sucking up job in thanking him. Long noted the
match was next.
Sheamus
def. Drew McIntyre in a "Celtic > Rangers (And yes, I'm aware
that is too esoteric for 99.5% of you)" match Well,
at least on the sine wave curve of entrances, we took a step up from
last week as we came back from break to see Drew in the ring, but
with his own music playing. He also seemed to have new tights,
clearly referring to the soccer team Glasgow Rangers in it's
colouring. In a pretty ludicrous statement on Josh's part, in an
attempt to contrast Drew & Sheamus, the claimed they STARTED in
WWE at the same time, specifically citing the 2009 TLC PPV where Drew
won the IC Title and Sheamus won the WWE Title as the start, before
noting how their careers ended up on different paths.
Sheamus
hit a clothesline for a 2 count. Drew blocked a corner charge, but
ended up Taking Finlay's old forward rolling Samoan Drop. Drew
kicked out at 2, before he snapped Sheamus's neck off the top rope
before hitting a low dropkick. In the corner Drew hit some
clotheslines before giving Sheamus a Northern Lights suplex with a
pin for 2. McIntyre hit a snap suplex for another 2 count. Drew
punted Sheamus in the back, but this just pissed Sheamus off.
Sheamus
hit clubbing blows in the corner before hitting a powerslam. In the
ropes, Drew got in cheapshot as the ref tried to make the break.
However, this knocked back just allowed Sheamus to hit the Brogue
Kick on Drew as he turned around for the three count. the announcers
continued to debate whether Drew would be fired. Given that Teddy
never even mentioned firing Drew this week, I'm thinking this
anti-Brodus Clay angle must be going on another sodding week.
Gabriel
Bruce - "Sleep Paralysis"
Back
from break, we got the ever-awesome "By The Numbers" promo
video for the Royal Rumble. Only thing that gets me is the 695
people who have entered. That maths is surely way off? For 22
years, it's had 30 people in it. That's 660. Then in '88, it was 20
and last year 40, so that's another 60. That's 720 slots over the
years. Now, sure, some folk have never made it to the ring, such as
Finlay a few years ago for jumping the gun to save Hornswoggle or the
time Spike Dudley was killed by Kane when Undertaker's presence was
felt ahead of Wrestlemania XX. But a whole 25 missing people? No
way. Wikipedia lists 6 as never getting in. I'd love to see how WWE
cooked that number.
Epico
& Primo def. Santino Marella & Yoshi Tatsu in a "Hmmm...what sort of a tag team name could we come up with for Santino & Yo
SHI Tatsu???"
match Marella
& Yoshi came out before the break, with Santino cajoling Yoshi
into doing the race walking thing, while the Colons and Rosa came out
after the break, leading to a PIP promo from Rosa, who spoke in
Spanish, so I have no idea what she said. I don't care. I just
enjoyed the view.
The
2 idiot babyfaces then got into a bowing contest with each other.
Ah, you know what, screw this for some horseshit. I'm sick of
Santino. I'm just going to give you the cliff notes on what happened
and move on. After a strong babyface start, Epico and Primo worked
over Yoshi Tatsu, although this didn't last long before Yoshi made a
"hot tag". After Yoshi was tossed out, Santino hit the
Cobra on Primo, but took the Backstabber from Epico for the win.
Yoshi didn't get to do much. Neither did the champion and Santino is
a friggin' idiot. There. Be thankful I wasted this much of my life
typing that much out.
Mark
Henry was warming up when Daniel Bryan cautiously approached. Henry
said he better have a good reason after last week. Bryan put it on
Teddy Long putting the lumberjacks in there. And tonight was on
Teddy Long too. Bryan was up for a rematch, but Long made Henry vs.
Show instead. Bryan wanted to talk about Big Show. He had no right
to be in their match on Sunday and Teddy Long wants Show to be the
champion. Otherwise, the title match would be between them. Bryan
said tonight was the last chance to right an obvious wrong,
suggesting that Henry hurt Show and badly. How many times has Show
injured Henry, other people and his girlfriend. Bryan said that for
the good of everyone in the WWE, Show needed to be taught a lesson,
and who better than the World's Strongest Man. Henry seemed to take
that on board.
The
Van Doos - "Black It Out"
Stone
Cold Randy Orton Wade
came out and started a promo claiming that Randy Orton wouldn't
actually shot up. As it goes, Barrett did his thing to get the crowd
to quieten the hell down. You know. The Thing. With his hand. No,
not that thing. That's what his hand does in his provate time. The
other thing. The thing that led to this being created:
He
said Orton was allowing his ego to get the best of him. The doctors
may say that he can come back, but spiritually, he was broken. You
don't have happen to you what Orton did and come back the same guy.
He threw it to a recap of the Falls Count Anywhere match, showing the
elevator footage and then the push down the stairs.
Wade
didn't get too much further on when Orton's music kicked in.
However, we saw that Orton was a long way backstage, making the walk
through the halls. This was a pure Stone Cold presentation of Orton.
As he came out the entrance, they ran to each other and started a
pull apart brawl, with Orton dominating. Some referees came out to
stop it, but that was as ineffectual as Tylenol is at curing herpes.
Teddy Long came out and sent down Tyler Reks, Curt Hawkins and Trent
Baretta. They pulled Orton off, but this just allowed Barrett to get
a free shot in on Randy. Orton broke free of them and chased him in
the ring. The three warm bodies, as well as the Usos split the 2
apart with Wade leaving up the ramp.
Orton
stared a hole in Wade at the ropes. He then realised that Tyler Reks
was standing beside him. RKO.
Curt
Hawkins wondered what Orton was playing at. RKO.
Trent
Baretta got too close to Randy. RKO.
Jimmy
Uso. RKO.
Jey
Uso. Stunner. Actually, I'm not joking. It was almost a stunner.
Orton almost sat on his ass, and Uso almost landed on his knees.
After
the break, the Royal Rumble moment featured was 2006 and Rey Rey's
win for Eddie. It mostly served to show how much better Orton looks
with hair.
Backstage,
Danny Bryan was with Kaitlyn. He said she was AJ's best friend and
needed a favour. She was fine with this. He needed her to tell Big
Show that Mark Henry was gonna try and injure him in their match.
Kaitlyn wondered who she was doing the favour for. Bryan said it was
the both of them, since she loved him. Kaitlyn wanted a favour in
return. She wanted to know how he REALLY feels about AJ. He said he
liked to keep himself private, but the sooner Big Show was told the
better.
Hunico
def. Ted DiBiase in a "Now that DiBiase is injured, with his
money, surely he should come back bionic?" match Hunico
came out first, with Camacho, as we saw the end of last week's flag
match. When Ted came out, they noted DiBiase's massively taped up
hand. Cole pulled a Rachel Maddow as he said he'd be Newt Gingrich
saying DiBiase should release his tax returns to prove he's a man of
the people.
DiBiase
actually started off on top with his one arm, but soon enough, Hunico
grabbed the wrist and started working on it. DiBiase got out of an
armbar, and hit the misdirection clothesline. However, he was unable
to lift Hunico for Dream Street. Hunico hit a double-knee buster to
the arm before hitting his take on the Angle Slam for the win.
After
the match, the boys from the barrio attacked DiBiase, with Camacho
stomping on the wrist when it was placed on the steel steps.
Backstage,
Teddy Long, Askana and her off-stage crew were watching this. Teddy
wanted to take his leave and check on Ted. However, he was cut off
by Natalya. She wanted a rematch with Tamina. Aksana got off a
snarky comment, which Natalya took offence too. This led to a line
about Tamina being a whackjob, only for Aksana to misunderstand and
think she was taking offence to her giving Teddy handies in private.
Teddy made a match between the pair. Nattie said she looked forward
to making Aksana cry.
And
then...
And
then...
Natalya
farted. I wish I was lying. I'm not even joking. Of course she
didn't actually guff. It was a comedy sound effect. However, they
all looked suspiciously at each other before Natalya ran off. And
this segment wouldn't be complete without Santino coming in after
Teddy & Aksana left, catching the heady funk of it. OK, this was
actually quite funny on Marella's part.
Filthy
Boy - "Waiting On The Doorstep"
By
the way, speaking of funk...
Brodus
Clay def. Alex Riley in a "Well, at least Clay didn't have to
try to pick up Riley..." match Amazingly,
he stuck with the white suit that didn't rip apart on Monday. Brave
lad. Alex Riley actually grooved along with them, just so you know
he's not suddenly a heel. Riley did some dancing at the bell.
Brodus countered with the jiggle, teasing a test of strength.
However, as Riley went for it, Brodus hit a T-bone suplex. Clay
followed up with the avalanche and then the What The Funk (which Cole
HAD TO have said "What The Fuck") crossbody for the
win.
After
the match, he let the girls do some dancing and jiggling. We cut
backstage to see Kaitlyn talking to Big Show.
We
then, apropos of nothing and with no set up that I saw went to Monday
Night RAW for the entirety of the Kane vs. Zack Ryder match that
ended with Ryder doing a Muhammad Hassan through the stage, which was
the culmination of Kane's plan of having Cena "embrace the hate"
by killing his friend and having his budding girlfriend turn against
him.
Aksana
def. Natalya in a "It will take you longer to read this sentence
than the match took to happen" match As
you can probably guess, Aksana's entrance theme was her sax music,
and she indeed got a whole lighting treatment and such. However,
Natalya was more concerned with Tamina, wanting her to come out.
While she was looking the other way, Aksana immediately rolled up
Farty McGee for the three count.
Natalya
clipped Aksana's leg while she celebrated and put on a sharpshooter
until Tamina came down to make the save. Nattie charged, only to be
scooped up and hit with the Samoan Drop immediately and then the
Superfly Splash.
Charli
XCX - "Nuclear Seasons"
Big
Show def. Mark Henry by Count Out in a "There's a reason this is
very odd..." match Back
from break, and Big Show was already in the ring. After Henry came
out, so did Daniel Bryan, making his way down to the ring and taking
a seat at ringside. Show went right after Henry, forcing Henry to
take a powder out, only for Show to go after him and bring him back
in the ring. Show hit a pair of big chops in the corner. Henry
fired back with some shots. But on one, he went down like a sack of
potatoes, rolling out of the ring as we took an abrupt break.
We
came back to see Daniel Bryan getting in the ring with a chair and
attacking Big Show, who had just been announced as the winner. Josh
said that during the break, Henry got back in the ring, but was
knocked right back out of it and didn't answer the 10 count. Bryan
lost control of the chair, so he bailed out, grabbing his belt.
Bryan backed up, offering the belt to Big Show. He tossed it to him,
but as Show caught it, Bryan hit a dropkick to the knee, getting the
chair back again.
Bryan
wailed away on Show again with a couple of shots before choking him
with it. Where's Justin Roberts' tie when you need it? Bryan hit
some more shots as they got back into the ring. Bryan locked on the
LeBell Lock, and got it on pretty good, but before he had to
nominally tap out, Big Show was able to power up and out of the hold.
He gave Bryan a chokeslam, but as Show loaded up the WMD, Bryan
bailed out of the ring.
Bryan
backed up the ramp, afraid for his life as Show talked trash and
stared a hole in Bryan as the show ended.
OVERALL
- First and foremost, it's been reported that Henry hyper-extended
his knee on the swing he took, and the finish to the show was done on
the fly, as the original plan was apparently that both Big Show and
Henry would lay out Bryan. Oddly enough, this was the better ending.
And it's possibly Henry could work the match on Sunday. That will
also be largely why they had the full segment from RAW to fill time
rather than the RAW Rebound clip package.
As
for the angle, I liked the notion that Bryan realised he pushed Big
Show too far in the opening segment, tried to talk Henry into doing
his dirty work for him, only for it to backfire (which is both what
happened and what was supposed to happen, only to varying degrees of
burial to Bryan). I'd have hated the original plan, as that would
have just put the tin-lid on Bryan being a non-entity. Here, he even
managed to lock on his submission on Show for a while, even though it
ultimately didn't work.
I
half-jokingly suggested it last week, but Bryan's bit with Kaitlyn,
to me, was screaming foreshadowing of them hooking up at AJ's
expense. not saying it'll happen, but if I had the book, it
would.
Orton's
return was pretty well handled, giving him the Austin deal. And
while he's probably fine enough to work, the extra few shows where
he's not out there for long will just help that little bit more.
Otherwise the show was one big case of "as you were". Cody
getting a decent win. Drew getting screwed with. A no-time-at-all
Divas match. Epico & Primo getting a win. Brodus Clay fun. Not
bad. Not blowaway either. Indeed, while I'm no less amped for the
Rumble, I'm no more excited for it either. It was fine, but only
really that. You
can contact Aaron via his personal
Facebook or the WWI
Fan Page. All he asks is that if you do "friend"
him personally that you write a little note noting that you read the
reviews.
