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Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Randy vs. Wade II. Stairwells Are Banned.

By Aaron Wood Feb 3, 2012 - 5:32 PM print


As a working man who must be part bear given his penchant for hibernation/sleeping, my time management has been off a little recently. And thusly, I haven't really looked up any more new artists/bands for this week's videos. But I am continuing the "new" theme by having my first week this year of New Release videos. More new bands next week. Honest guv!

Also, just to get it out of the way right now, you may have read that this week's episode of Smackdown has the Brodus Clay vs. Heath Slater match cut from it. After that match, Drew McIntyre tried to attack, but got beaten up. Now, rather than make any statement about Drew's future (since if they were going to fire him for real, they'd sure as shit have done it by now. Thusly I assume the match cut was made for time, because they sure haven't soured on Clay already.

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Drew & Sheamus did their bit for sectarian unity, Yoshi Tatsu almost literally whored himself to get a spot on the show, Natalya stunk out the joint and the post-production editors sure earned their money last week...

THIS WEEK…
We opened with a hype video for this week's main event between Orton & Wade, which was billed as No Countouts and No DQs. I would wager that is the WWE trolling the IWC for bitching about the lack of finish in the Bryan/Show match of the same nature a few weeks back. Which is kinda LOL-worthy.

Well, I guess by Montreal logic, Henry screwed Henry...
After the opening credits, we went right to Teddy Long in the ring, thuggin' & buggin'. I sometimes wonder what a new viewer thinks when they see that. "Why is this man faking an epileptic fit?" Long said the Royal Rumble was "Off the chain" and he was happy to announce that Smackdown would be participating in the 2012 Elimination Chamber PPV. Good to know that it's not just gonna be the RAW brand. And I wonder why Long or Laurinaitis have never mentioned they've got the right to recuse their shows from PPV duty before...

Anyway, Thaddeus announced who would be in the Chamber match for the World Title. Daniel Bryan (obviously), Wade Barrett, Big Show, Cody Rhodes (doing the world's most comedic snarl), Mark Henry and, because he's the biggest star and thusly gets his name at the end for the big final pop, Drew McIntyre Randy Orton!

Teddy wanted to then bore everyone with the rules and then just as he finished, Mark Henry came out. I'd have cheered if Henry had come out half way through Teddy's mangling of the English language as we went over what would happen. As you could probably guess, Henry wasn't entirely pleased with his former manager's announcement. 6:1 against that he would win the match. Less than that, depending on his number. He didn't deserve this.

Long said since he lost at The Rumble, that he should be happy he's in the match. Is Henry supposed to be happy and thankful? Henry was Long's meal ticket, so he was going to need to take him out of the Chamber and put him one on one with Bryan tonight. Long wondered what would happen if he didn't. Henry cracked up that Long was trying him. Give the people and what he wants and deserves.

Long got in Henry's face, and while poking him in the chest, said he'd give Henry half his wish. He was out of the Chamber. But he wasn't getting no title match. After the bear got his chest poked, Henry noted that Long was replaceable. Just like John Laurinaitis was. WAS? Does Henry know something we don't? Long had to do the right thing, and Henry wasn't asking. Henry flicked out Long's tie. Long swatted him off and indefinitely suspended Henry.

Henry decided that if he was a goner, he may as well get his money's worth (a notion that rightfully got cheered). However, before he could make a penny out of Long, Sheamus came to the ring. They stared at each other a little before Sheamus, essentially from standing, hit a Brogue Kick, sending Henry from the ring. Long then decided to interview Sheamus. Who was Sheamus going after? He said everyone had been asking that. He hadn't decided yet and wouldn't until after the next PPV. So rather than cut a bunch of speeches, he would do what he does best.

If that is getting interrupted by Cody Rhodes, then Sheamus did a bang-up job tonight of it. He told him to relax. He wasn't looking for a fight, but to warn him. People wouldn't remember Sheamus won the match. They'd remember that he eliminated the most people in the match. And 2 of them Hall Of Famers. He lasted 45 minutes. He did all the work. And he would carry that into the Chamber, become World Champion and first dual-champion since Ultimate Warrior. Well, there are worse guy to fashion yourself after... As it goes, there was a striking parallel between Warrior and Sheamus. Half the time, Cody couldn't understand what either were saying. Same went for Teddy. Long decided to say something he would understand, Sheamus vs. Cody there and then.


Coldplay - "Charlie Brown"

Sheamus def. Cody Rhodes in a "Well, I guess Sheamus wouldn't mind Cody winning in the Chamber for an easy Mania then..." match
We joined things apparently in mid-match. That said, Sheamus was just standing there while Cody was jaw jacking with the audience. Anyway, Sheamus took immediate control of things, hitting the forward roll Samoan for a 2 count. Cody telegraphed a backdrop, but was sent to the apron for the clubs to the chest. On the outside, Cody slipped out and dropkicked Sheamus into the ringpost and then used the guardrail to hit a Beautiful Disaster.

Knee drop back in the ring picked up a 2 count. Cody hit the moonsault for a 2 count on the standing Sheamus before choking him in the ropes. Sheamus broke a chinlock by ramming Cody into the corner, but Rhodes hit a bulldog for 2. Sheamus started a comeback with axe handles and then a powerslam for a 2 count of his own. Sheamus went up for the Battering Ram and hit it after fighting Cody off. He wanted the Celtic Cross, but Cody slipped out. Another Beautiful Disaster missed, but so was the Brogue Kick. However, Sheamus then scooped up Cody and hit Finlay's Celtic Cross finisher for the win.

It's funny. When Sheamus debuted in ECW, he riled against Finlay for being all friendly and hanging around with a Leprechaun. Nowadays Sheamus is all friendly, buddies with the same Leprechaun and as evidenced by this match, stealing Finlay's signature moves...

That would be the LAST guy I'd want making a save for me...
After the break, Cody was still recuperating at ringside as Justin Gabriel came out. Hunico & Camacho came out, and Hunico cut a bi-lingual promo. The jist of which was that they weren't thugs. They just had each other's back. Anyway, as the promo finished, Cody jumped in the ring and attacked Gabriel from behind. Hunico & Camacho helped put the boots to Gabriel's ass as Rock would have it, but then Great Khali's music hit and he sauntered down to the ring while the heels shit themselves.

Cody decided that cowardice was the better part of valour. Los Locos from the Barrio however weren't quite as smart. Camacho took a pair of Khali Chops. Hunico tried to club Kahli in the back and then dive out of the corner, but Khali caught him and hit the Khali Bomb.

Backstage, Drew was in full Oliver Twist-mode begging for his job. Long said that all Drew did was disappoint him and that the worst thing was predictability and Drew losing was predictable. Yeah, way to make the guy look like a complete loser and yourself a complete dumbfuck for signing this loser. Long told him to find another way to impress him and be glad he still had a job. Is it just me, or did Long just suggest that Drew would have to get on his knees and open wide to stay employed. That's the intonation I got from this.

Anyway, Drew left and he was replaced with Santino. Santino had a new tag partner for this week. And in place of SantOshi, it was SantinHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Yep, Hacksaw Jim Duggan got another TV spot. Long gave them a match with Epico & Primo. They left and they were replaced by Aksana. This week, for the first time, Long reacted when the sax kicked in, straightening himself up. She was impressed with how he handled Henry. She looked down and noticed "a massive piece of wood", which Long did a spit take to. She was, of course, referring to Duggan's 2x4. Duggan got his plank back.

The announcers sent it to the induction video for Mike Tyson. Afterwards they showed a graphic of various sites that carried the story, such as TMZ, who broke it, as well as USA Today, ESPN and...THE BLEACHER REPORT?!?!? Note to Guttman, next time some big wrestling news breaks in the main stream media, cover it, You might get a screenshot on WWE TV. I mean if Bleacher Report can, ANYONE can.


Arcade Fire - "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)"

Epico & Primo def. Santino Marella & Hacksaw Jim Duggan in a "So really, Santino WAS distracted..." match
As with last week, I'm so fed up with Santino, you're just getting the basics. Santino started things off with Epico and took control. Duggan quickly tagged in and the heels worked him over for a short period as the announcers (specifically Booker) suggested that Duggan really shouldn't be in the ring anymore.

Santino eventually for a hot tag. He ran wild and set for the stupid Cobra when Rosa got on the apron. As he refused to be distracted, Primo ducked the Cobra and floated into the Backstabber in one motion in a nice spot. That picked up the win. Before the champs could do much more than consider beating down Santino some more, Duggan and the 2x4 ran them off.


Foster The People - "Don't Stop (Color On The Walls)"

Note to Daniel Bryan: Don't take your intimidation ideas from Teddy Long...
After the break, Michael Cole was in the ring, as he introduced Daniel Bryan, saying he was the most unlikely World Champion of all time. Daniel came out doing the full "YES!" celebration. Cole said that he had been extremely critical of him and he didn't think he'd make it. But he proved something on Sunday and won the cage match. Sure, Bryan wasn't dominant and quite lucky, but Cole was man enough to admit he was wrong about Bryan.

Cole offered the handshake, but Bryan took his mic instead. Bryan appreciated the sentiment, but the interview wasn't about Cole. It was about him! He excused Cole form the ring to say that on Sunday he succeeded in beating 2 monsters in a steel cage who added up to a half ton. He was not just a champion, but a great one! He also was a great role model and as such wanted us to be like him and be a vegan. He told us to stop eating meat, as we we3re poisoning our intestines. Killing innocent animals. If we saw the animals being killed for food, we'd never eat meat again. But alas, the people of Omaha were some of the worst offenders and thusly healthier than everyone in the building. His heart was fine or have the diseases they carried around.

He said there would be many injustices he would have to endure. He shouldn't have to defend his title in an Elimination Chamber. Especially against 5 others, and one in particular that he's dominated and holds the record for the shortest World Title reign ever. He had won four championship matches against him already! He was talking, of course, about Big Show. He's consistently failed, and been consistently rewarded. He intentionally ran down his girlfriend. He was a failure in the ring and has a human. He shouldn't be in the match. Bryan threatened to take his case to the Board Of Directors and get Teddy Long joining Johnny Ace in the unemployment line. Seriously, do these guys know something, because I'm betting he's back on Monday.

Big Show came out as Bryan was about to make his leave. He gave his beanie to a small boy at ringside, who didn't duck away. As a side note, when the girl at the Rumble ducked, my timeline filled up with "Alannah Orton sure follows the storylines". How in the hell did everyone in the world know that was Orton's kid? If I were Randy, I'd be worried his family weren't part of some secret Truman Show-like deal. I could never have guess that was Orton's kid.

Anyway, Show said he'd have come out earlier, but he was finishing off a steak. Probably explains why he was already half-gassed. Show said Bryan called himself a role model, but the key to being one was not telling people what to do and let people follow by themselves. He said Bryan was a pompous arrogant little ass. And he would still be that after the Elimination Chamber, but he wouldn't be World Champion any more. There was nowhere to hide, no way to escape and no way for anyone to save him (other than the past couple of years where someone has come up through the grate, you mean?). Bryan said he knew the odds were stacked against him and it was possible he'd lose the title, but it wouldn't be to Show. He would lose, like he always does. Once a loser, always a loser. Big Show kept warning Bryan not to push him, but Bryan started pulling a Thaddeus and poked Show in the chest. However, unlike Henry, Show immediately killed Bryan.

He ripped Bryan's shirt apart and chopped him before giving him a chokeslam as AJ came down the ramp, wearing a neckbrace. She got in the ring, but was incredibly scared of Show. Bryan tried to attack, but Show caught him and loaded up the WMD. However, AJ held onto Show's fist, allowing Bryan to escape. AJ then left the ring and ran into Bryan's arms, hugging him as he smirked at Show while assuring her he wouldn't let Show hurt her again.

Backstage, Natalya and Beth were doing squats as Nattie noted her excitement at them teaming up together once again. Natalya once again farted a little one, which Beth noticed, stopping her in her tracks. Then Nattie riffed again, which brought a short awkward silence before she ran away. Beth soon followed as Santino turned round the corner into the hallway, once again right into the heady aroma. As much as I hate Santino, he does bring the funny here.


Enter Shikari - "Arguing With Thermometers"

Beth Phoenix & Natalya Neidhart def. Tamina & Aksana in a "RIP DOD..." match
We came back from break as Aksana came down to the ring while Tamina was already in the ring. Nattie started off with Aksana, and this lasted longer than 5 seconds. Indeed it was Natalya who took control right away, hitting a slam and then a Gordbuster. However, as she was near her corner, Beth did what she did to whichever Bella it was on Sunday and VIOLENTLY tagged herself in, telling Farty McGee to get out of her ring. She gave Aksana an immediate Glam Slam for the win.

Beth walked out of the ring without a care about Natalya. So Nattie decided to pick up the scraps and looked for the sharpshooter on Aksana. However, Tamina (who Nattie had knocked off the apron) got back in the ring, hitting a superkick and Superfly Splash. Because what Natalya's gastric area needed was someone coming down violently on it.

The announcers, well, announced that Great Khali was now replacing Mark Henry in the Elimination Chamber.

After the break, we saw the awesome video that aired at the PPV looking at John Cena. they then sent it to Matt Striker who was with Randy Orton. He asked about his approach to Barrett since he went down the stair in his last match with Wade and the World Title Chamber match was coming up, if he'd be more conservative this outing. Orton said he wouldn't hold anything back. He didn't hold what Wade did against him. He'd have done the same thing to him. What Orton has a problem with was with Wade running his mouth and he would beat Wade tonight and then again (and everyone else) in the Chamber.


Scissor Sisters vs. Krystal Pepsy (a.k.a. Azealia Banks) - "Shady Love"

Randy Orton def. Wade Barrett in a "Well, I don't think they're stretching out the blowoff until Wrestlemania..." No Countout/No DQ match
After Wade made his entrance and we saw a replay of Orton's quickest star descent ever, we rather incongruously cut backstage to see Teddy long watching the monitor. Daniel Bryan & AJ walked in, as Bryan said they wanted to talk about Big Show as she was scared half to death. Long said they'd watch the match and discuss it.

They traded shots in the early going, but Orton got the upperhand, hitting a suplex and then the Orton Stomps. He then eliminated Barrett from the Royal Rumble. Well he would have done if it were the Royal Rumble. Orton ducked out too and rammed Wade's head into the steel steps before tossing him into various parts of guardrail. He set Wade up on the steps and stomped on his head and dropped Barrett back-first onto the rail. Orton went shopping for plunder and he was buying a table. He pulled one out as we took a break.

We came back and Orton was ready to superplex Barrett through the table, which was in the ring. However, Wade managed to fight him off and pushed Orton back through the table, picking up a 2 count. This allowed Wade to take control, as he began to focus on the recently heeled back, stomping on it before stretching the ribs around the ringpost. Back in the ring, Wade picked up a 2 count, before hitting the knees to the head in the ropes and the big boot.

Things went outside again, and Orton fired back, sending Wade into the crowd, Barrett tried to get away, but Orton kept pace, hitting Wade with shots as they went round a floor seat section before Wade was clotheslined back over the rail. Orton came off the guardrail with a double axe handle. However, Wade reversed a whip into the steel steps. Wade got himself a chair and went to work on Orton with it, particularly with shots to the back and jabs to the gut. Wade wanted Wasteland on the chair, but Orton slipped out and began a comeback with his usual offence. He then grabbed the chair himself hitting Wade a bunch of time with it.

Orton wedged the chair into the corner and whipped Wade into it. Orton hit a dropkick that sent Wade out. He tossed Wade over the announce desk, before then bringing him back to the apron for the Elevated DDT. Orton wanted the RKO, but Wade pushed off and then hit The Winds Of Change. This got him a deuce, when Orton put his foot on the ropes. Wade got himself a second chair and jabbed Orton in the back with it. Wade tried a Pumphandle Slam, but Orton slipped out, spun Wade round and hit the RKO. But he decided this wasn't enough. He set the chair up and hit another RKO nominally on the chair (although it's clear that Orton's arm would hit the chair more than any part of Wade's head. Mild logic gap aside, this was satisfactory enough for Orton to pick up the win.

As Orton celebrated, we cut backstage again to Long, Bryan & AJ. Long said that he knew they were bent out of shape about Big Show, but wouldn't have to worry about him next week. That would be because Bryan would be facing Randy Orton. Bryan said he wasn't afraid of giants or snakes. He told AJ to stay safe there and watch.

We cut back to Orton as Bryan came down the ramp, doing his "YES!" deal as Orton looked on completely befuddled about what Bryan was up to. Bryan did a lap of the ring before heading up the ramp as the show ended.

OVERALL - Good show this week with a cracking main event and a very strong promo segment at the top of the hour. The rest of the show was pretty much the standard stuff. Good opener with Sheamus & Cody. I know what some people are going to say, since I've already seen them say it. "Why does Cody have to lose after a few strong wins?" Well, we know Cody isn't going to Mania as World Champion. Sheamus is going to a title match at Mania. Cody will have his day. So 1 TV loss to a main player isn't going to do him any harm whatsoever. Tangentially, it was a pretty good opening segment as well actually.

That said, when I say that, Teddy Long was being an uber-dick this week. Not just in that segment, but overall. Cole had a thought about it being the case that Johnny Ace's situation was a wake up call. But yeah, prodding a talent in the chest and then suspending him for flicking your tie is a dick move in my book. That said, Henry sure as hell needs some time to rest up.

Obviously, I'm no fan of this farting gimmick of Nattie's (outside of Marella's reactions to it), but what I did find interesting on this show was the continuation of Beth's "Cold dominance" thing. On Sunday, I assumed that since one Bella seemed to leave with Beth & Nattie while the other stood adod at what happened, that it was going to lead to a sister split and that's why Beth made that tag. But for her to do it here to Natalya means it's something else. My guess is that Beth alienates and dominates everyone until she gets her due karma (or indeed Kharma) at Mania.

Other than that, given the long main event and LONG middle promo, there wasn't much else to this show, but overall, it was a good one.

You can contact Aaron via his personal Facebook or the WWI Fan Page. All he asks is that if you do "friend" him personally that you write a little note noting that you read the reviews.

Or if you are on Twitter, Aaron can be reached at twitter.com/aaron24wood or the WWI Twitter feed at twitter.com/clubwwi.

You can join Aaron in the online gaming world either on the XBox 360 or the superior Playstation 3. Either way, his screen-name is aaron24wood



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