Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Daniel Bryan Goes Back A Few Pages In His Playbook
By Aaron Wood Feb 10, 2012 - 5:57 PM
Hey everyone. Man, I had a great night last night. I went into the city and saw a band called Kaiser Chiefs. They were already up there in the awesomeness scale, but last night was, legit, the best performance I've ever seen live. Just pure awe. And I'm not just saying that because the singer went on a tour of the venue and headed up the balcony right by me (video on my Twitter: @aaron24wood). So yeah, I was going to do more new bands. I was going to do Superbowl commercials. And speaking of Superbowl commercials...
Like I wasn't gonna get a new OK Go video on here ASAP...
But instead, because of last night, this week's videos are going to be live performances of their songs. By them. Not me. Maybe one day. I'd need to learn them properly first...
LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Teddy Long decided that one big immobile guy should get booted from the Elimination Chamber and another should be put in, my comment about Yoshi whoring himself seemed strangely prescient given who the catchphrase of Santino's partner this week and Orton & Barrett didn't venture quite so far away from the ring this time...
THIS WEEK… Sheamus pulls a Sean O'Haire... No recaps or nothing but the credits to open the show, along with the graphic of the Orton vs. Bryan main event. Lillian Garcia then introduced Sheamus. As he mugged in the ring, Josh noted that Sheamus has said that he wouldn't decide who he'd face until after Elimination Chamber. Sheamus then said as the winner of the Rumble, he got a shot at someone at Mania, but wouldn't decide until after Elimination Chamber.
You know, I disagree with people that say the Elimination Chamber show shouldn't be there because "It gives people another shot of going to Mania after losing the Rumble" or 99% of literally any other reason. The ONLY one I'd agree with is "Rather than announcing who he'll face, we get four weeks of promos announcing when he'll announce it. Come on Sheamus, you're The Great White. You're as hard as nails that have been dipped in Titanium and majored in hardness from Hard University. Take a punt and just go "I'll have the World Champion. Don't care who he si, I'm beating him anyway!"
He said that a lot of Superstars have been suggesting he declares right now (and they'd be friggin' right) but he didn't like being told what to do or pushed around. He got bullied as a kid and he responded by fight back, and that fighting got him to the WWE. Well, there's the Be A Show Tolerance And Respect message shat out of a window. Bullied? Fight the pricks and main event Wrestlemania.
But when he got there, he was being told not to spike his hair, to get a tan, stop with the accent already. But refused to be bullied and it led him to (the King Of The Ring run aside, I assume) the main event of Wrestlemania. By the way, I saw someone suggest a drinking where you do a shot every time someone points at the Mania sign. Even Crazy Uncle Ralph would get trashed doing that shit.
Anyway, Wade Barrett and his crappy new garage rock theme that doesn't suit him at all came out. To be honest, I can't complain too much. It's not friggin' Downstait. Wade thanked him for such a heart-warming story. But he was going to tell Sheamus what to do. Go for the WWE Title at Mania because if he wanted the World Title, he would end up fighting him because he was winning the Smackdown match. And as Sheamus knows, Wade can, has and will beat him. And then Sheamus would be remembered as the pasty-faced ginger loser as Sheamus had just referred to himself as (without the loser part) that I thought was redundant to mention.
Sheamus went into self-defence mode and pointed out how Wade lost to someone else entirely last week. Wade was about to go on when Cody Rhodes came out. The younger grandson of a plumber said that what Wade said was of no significance. Unlike the pair of them, he knew what it was like to win at Wrestlemania and a champion there and then. He said the Chamber was a tax on the mind and no mind was greater than his, and Sheamus would go down in history to lose to the first dual-IC & World Champion. I guess Hogan doesn't count because Warrior won the WWE Title in that match. And it was for the WWE title. So it wouldn't.
Big Show then came out to make his pitch about how he'd inevitably win the World Title and face him at Mania. Actually, he said he wasn't going to do that. But then he really did anyway, saying Big Show vs. Sheamus for the World Title. Wade jumped in and noted Show was a Wrestlemania punchline. Snooki has a better record then Show! Cody said he was the Reverse Undertaker. Who was he losing to this year? The boxer? The sumo wrestler?
My guess? The basketballer... Actually, the basketball analyst to be precise.
Big Show chopped Cody down as things fell into a brawl, but the babyfaces quickly cleared the ring.
Michael Cole said he was interviewing AJ later.
"Everything Is Average Nowadays"
The Great Khali def. Jinder Mahal in a "So what is Jinder going to demand now?" match After confirmation of the inevitable tag team match stemming form the last segment, we saw that Jinder Mahal was suddenly, out of nowhere, putting his pagri in a perspex box like it was the friggin' British crown jewels or something. For a jobber, this dude has gotten the most elements added ever. We then got an inset promo where he said that after beating Khali he would demand his place in the Elimination Chamber.
We need Runjin Singh back. That is all.
Mahal told Khali to lay down, before slapping him. Khali went to work from there. Khali looked to finish early, but Mahal managed to take out a leg and do some choking in the ropes. Well I call it "choking". It was choking to the same degree with was aeronautical engineering. He managed to club Khali down to a knee before putting a front facelock on. However, it wasn't long until Khali got out and quickly hit the Khali Chop and Khali Bomb for the win. Suck it Ring Ka King.
The announcers sent it back to last week to recap Mark Henry's suspension. We cut backstage to see Teddy explaining to Aksana that he felt he had to do what he did. Aksana sweet talked him when Daniel Bryan walked in. Bryan was pissed off that Teddy Long held a BBQ in the parking lot this afternoon, riling that they were cooking up animals. Long apologised for not being a vegetarian like Bryan. And like all good douchey Vegans, Bryan went to great pains to explain the difference. He said he was sick to his stomach and taking off. But Long wasn't having it. Long was sick too. Of Bryan's preaching and excuses. And he had to quit worrying about slaughtered animals and worry about himself. Wow, Long can be a complete prick when he's cock-blocked...
Beth Phoenix def. Alicia Fox in a "Who will injure the other first?" match As Beth came out, they noted a WWE.com article setting out the angle of her belief she has no competition. And then her incredibly ironic opponent came out in the form of Alicia. To recap. Alicia hits her flipping leg drop on Beth and Beth takes one to the face as Beth is quick to whine about it on Twitter posting a picture. Sure, Foxy done screwed up, but the outcry of hurting poor sweet Beth was verging on ridiculous. Cut to this Monday, Beth being just as careless, if not more so, places her forearm neatly right into Eve's face busting that to shit and you hear crickets. And those crickets are saying "Guys! Shut the hell up!"
Anyway, the match began with Beth holding the ropes open to allow to Alicia leave again lest she gets some of what eve got. When she didn't, Beth grabbed her, but Alicia took her into the corner. Beth fired back. Alicia was sent into the corner, but jumped back out. However, Beth caught her. Beth went for a back suplex, but Fox flipped out of it and then matrixed an Eve-killer. However, she then ate a double sledge and the Glam Slam for the win.
As the announcers through there was no competition, Beth went to give her another Glam Slam. However Tamina made the save, running down to the ring. Beth dropped Alicia and they had a staredown. Beth smiled and walked away, seemingly liking Tamina getting in her grill.
Somewhere, Randy Orton was warming up and being all dark and moody about it. Or at least the lighting was.
"Starts With Nothing"
We saw a pretty damn great video on The Rock's life. Different to the one we saw at The Royal Rumble, although it essentially covered the same ground.
We cut backstage to see Tyson Kidd and Natalya. She was confused about what had been happening to her recently. She was feeling out of control and she just goes. Tyson, being the understanding (off screen) boyfriend thought it was natural. Disgusting but natural. "Disgusting?" Nattie enquired? What she was saying that when she gets nervous, she talks too much? What are you on about guy-who-everyone-thought-would-be-fired-before-DH-Smith? Kidd said "Nothing". And then the whoopee cushion went off. The Canadians looked sheepish and Kidd left to find a better angle. Hornswoggle walked by said hello and collapsed. She blamed Tyson before running off.
Big Show & Sheamus def. Wade Barrett & Cody Rhodes in a "Well, nice to see the Chamber guys get some momentum going into the match..." match Oddly, Big Show came out first, we took a break, came back for Cody and Wade and then Sheamus. I mean, it's not as if the heels attacked Show and Sheamus did the Austin entrance-cum-save. Nope, they just screwed around with the entrance order. Cody and Show started, albeit in name only as Show flinched and Cody ran for his life. This led to a run of the heels force-tagging out to each other as they took a bit of a beating. Big Show press slammed Cody but as he loaded up he WMD, Rhodes scooted back on his ass into his corner.
Sheamus was tagged in and Wade decided that he wanted himself some. Sheamus got the better of the exchanges, hitting the clubbing blows in the ropes before rolling up Wade for a 2 count. Barrett caught Sheamus with a back kick and Cody tagged in. However, Sheamus worked him over and tossed Cody over to the floor (and yes, Miz also failed to catch Cody, although in this case, it's because he wasn't actually there) as we took another break.
We returned to see Cody getting a backslide countered and hit with the rolling Samoan Drop before Big Show tagged back in. Big Show grabbed a handful of Cody's kidneys. However, Wade tagged in when Cody blocked a charge and the pair hit a High/Low on Show. This gave Wade & Cody control of the match as Rhodes & Barrett worked over Show with a series of tags, working chinlocks. When it came to Wade's chinlock, Big Show slowly got to his feet and backed Wade into the corner to break. However, Cody tagged in and hit the Beautiful Disaster for a 2 count. And then came his second chinlock.
Show got out of this one by standing up and hitting a side slam. Tags each side followed with Sheamus on fire. No wait, that's just his hair. But he was on top. He hit a powerslam and called for the Brogue Kick. Cody went for the save, but Big Show speared him. Sheamus then Brogue Kicked Wade to win. And then for 2 more shots of booze, Sheamus & Show pointed at the Wrestlemania sign.
"The Angry Mob"
You just knew that Bryan had a douchebaggy car... Michael Cole was once again in the ring, as he set up his interview with AJ. Cole asked how she was. She mentioned the neck brace was coming off next week, but Cole cut her off to rag on her about how no-one knew who she was and thus was laughable that she was able to thank anyone for their support. He claimed he was joshing with that though.
Cole asked if she blamed Big Show. She said she had never blamed Big Show for what happened and he wouldn't do it on purpose. But there was someone who had done more damage than Big Show. That someone was Michael Cole. AJ riled at his treatment of Bryan, AJ and the entire Divas division. She called Cole a biased, obnoxious jerk. She said the WWE would be better off if he shut his mouth.
Cole yelled at her that he was doing his job. He was paid for his insight and personality. And did AJ know what people were saying about her and DanBry? They're saying Bryan set her up to get run over and so blinded by her love that she would throw herself in front of a bus. And the latest rumour? They were saying that AJ had no self respect. And he would be in his glory at Elimination Chamber as AJ and Bryan would be nothing more than footnotes in WWE history.
Bryan came out angry, telling Cole if he said anything else to AJ, he'd break both of Cole's arm. Cole then told AJ to take his mic while he ran away. Suffice to say Bryan must have missed this, because Bryan didn't suddenly go all Frank Mir on Cole's limbs. He berated Cole asking if AJ hadn't been threw enough. Bryan had news for all of us. He was more than a footnote. He was a great wrestler and World Heavyweight Champion.
And he was a role model. On Sunday, he went on a nature walk while everyone was watching the Superbowl eating meat and drinking beer. While we were stuffing our faces with animals and drinking beer and soda, did anyone think about recycling? How many though about preserving the environment for future generations. Bryan recycled. He cared about future generations, and he cared about AJ. And since the people had been so inhospitable to her, he was leaving and taking her home. On their way out, Bryan made sure to note they'd be leaving in a Prius. Hilarious delivery on that line.
AJ & Bryan left the ring and headed backstage as Cole & Booker argued. This bought time for us to catch up with Bryan and AJ backstage as Teddy Long caught up to them. Bryan said he was taking a personal day. Long said he would be more than happy to help AJ leave the arena, but if Bryan went anywhere, he'd lose his title. Wow, just because playa can't play with Aksana, no-one's getting any? Prick.
"Everyday I Love You Less And Less"
Ted DiBiase def. Hunico in a "So, Dibiase Jr. is using Bob Orton's gimmick? randy needs to get rich quick..." match DiBiase came out with a big cast on his arm, heavily signed. Hunico cut a promo on his ride down to the ring, wondering how DiBiase would host a party with 2 broken wrists. DiBiase took Hunico into the corner and put in some shots before clotheslining him out. Camacho came over to check on his buddy when DiBiase shoved him. He rammed Hunico into the rail before tossing him back in the ring. Hunico came back, and tossed DiBiase out, allowing Camacho to get a kick to the ribs in. Hunico then slapped Ted's wrist into the ringpost.
Back in the ring, Ted fought out of an armbar before hitting the misdirection clothesline for a 2 count. Hunico hit a double-knee armbreaker before yanking on the wrist some more, but on a third yank back, DiBiase got in a schoolboy for the surprise three count before escaping any punishment.
A Be A Show Tolerance And Respect advert played. One with Sheamus. See earlier for obvious joke.
After a break, they sent it to a pretty damn great video showcasing the Elimination Chamber. There was oddly a large amount of Matt Striker on commentary on this video. It's always weird hearing guys in videos like these that aren't on commentary any more. I don't actually include JR in that because he's done so much. But sometimes, you'll get Coach. Or Joey Styles. Or indeed here, Striker.
When we came back, they talked about how John Laurinaitis managed to keep his job on RAW, going to a "live phone call" with Johnny Ace in Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirites.
Daniel Bryan def. Randy Orton by DQ in a "So much for Teddy saying that Bryan would be safe from Big Show this week..." match Orton came out before the break. After it, apropos of nothing that sticking his lardy oar in, Big Show was sitting on commentary. Orton took him into the corner, but the referee forced the break. They went back and forth early on, although really, Orton got the upper hand. Bryan flipped over Orton out of the corner, but Orton ducked the clothesline and hit a dropkick. However, as he bounced off the ropes, Bryan hit a knee to the gut. Orton avoided a kick and then elevated Bryan out of the ring. Big Show stood up, but Orton told him not to bother. Bryan was his tonight. However, this allowed Bryan to recover and hit a baseball slide and then a jumping knee off the apron.
When we came back from break, Bryan was working Orton's arm. Orton got out of that and hit the hanging neckbreaker before putting Bryan on the top turnbuckle. Bryan fought off the superplex, putting Orton down, but he missed a diving headbutt. This started Orton's comeback, as he hit the snap powerslam. He looked for the Elevated DDT, but from the apron, Bryan hit a kick to the head. Bryan went up top, but was crotched by Orton just before went for the missile dropkick, giving Bryan a top rope superplex.
Orton missed a knee drop, which got him recovering in the corner, but allowed Bryan to hit him with the running dropkick. Bryan launched in with kicks, but after being pulled back by the missed, missed a charge which Orton rolled him up on. Bryan kicked out at 2 and looked for the LeBell Lock. He couldn't get it on however and catapults Bryan over the ropes to the apron, which let Orton hit the Elevated DDT. Orton spun round for the RKO, but Bryan ducked out of the ring and gave Orton a hotshot.
He called for his belt and went to leave. He tried slapping Big Show, but Show blocked and shoved him down. He then tossed Bryan back into the ring for the RKO. However, the referee rang the bell and Bryan won by DQ for Big Show's interference. Orton left the ring and the pair had words. Orton shoved Show, but Show shoved back, and with verve. This led to a pitch brawl around the announce desk, which included a spot that saw Orton plant his foot on the desk to dive at Show, only to almost entirely slip. Note to Orton. STOP GETTING ON TOP OF ANNOUNCE DESKS! Anyway, this brawl continued as we saw Daniel Bryan slink away with a smile on his face as the show ended.
OVERALL- Fair show this week. The tag match and the main event were pretty spiffy and I liked the middle segment with Cole, AJ & Bryan. That said, Cole really should have asked AJ if she had converted to Veganism too or if she still liked getting a sausage in her mouth. Beyond that, there wasn't much to this. We got Sheamus once again saying he wasn't tell us anything yet. We got Beth and a little advancement as far as confirming that she was feeling no competition, but then again, a trained chimp could work that one out. The only real suckage on the show was Khali & Mahal, and that was short. If anything though, the best bits for me were the videos on The Rock and the Elimination Chamber. Quality products each.
You can contact Aaron via his personal Facebook or the WWI Fan Page. All he asks is that if you do "friend" him personally that you write a little note noting that you read the reviews.