Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: No...Taker Isn't Now the ECW Champion...
By Aaron Wood
Mar 21, 2008 - 8:45 PM

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: James Guttman did a Smackdown Insanity bringing half of the RAW roster with him, there were more people in a cage than you can shake a stick at and the part of Matt Hardy was played by a big Samoan...

THIS WEEK…
Have I mentioned how I love WWE in 16:9 screen size? We got WWEHD in the UK this past week or so, and while I don't have HD yet, the picture format is still lovely...

Batista def. Deuce & Domino in s "What Umaga can do, Batista can do better..." Handicap match
NO TIME TO WASTE! We cut right away with Batista's music hitting the speakers as Big Dave made his way out. And just like his Wrestlemania opponent, he would be taking on a former long-time champion tag team. And indeed, where Umaga beat Londrick, Batista would be facing the team that beat them, Deuce & Domino, as the Greasers came out. However, they were without Cherry, although she'd be showing up later. Batista got the jump on Deuce, driving him into the corner, before bringing Domino in to beat on him a little. However, Deuce scored a jumping kick, tagging Domino back in. D&D worked over Batista in the corner as Deuce came right back in, although Batista managed to regain control with a short clothesline. He took Deuce into the corner and whipped him across. The charge was missed and Domino came back in. He clubbed Batista and hit a knee to the face, although Batista decided to ram Deuce's head into the ringpost and then slam him off the top rope. Domino ate a spear and then, after dumping Deuce out the ring, gave Domino a spinebuster and a Batista Bomb for the way-too-easy three count.

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3/10 - In. Quickly beat two pretty big guys. Out.
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We saw the missing part of the losing team, Cherry doing her make up when Maryse came up behind her. She mocked Deuce & Domino before claiming that the Diva Contest was fixed since Cherry was in and she was out. She called Cherry a dog before walking off. Well, Cherry might be a dog (although she's not), but Maryse was certainly a bitch. SEE WHAT I DID?!?! Words are my whores!

Cherry and Eve survived another week...This is both good and bad news respectively...
We came back form break with Teddy Long in the ring, doing what he does best. Crackalackin'! He introduced the four remaining Divas. Eve was first and Cole said he was a "Rubik Cube genius" able to crack one in less than 5 minutes. Cherry was next and Cole said she wanted to change her look and wear a leather body suit like Newton John in Grease. Makes sense. Victoria was next and then came Michelle, someone who Victoria comically dissed.

And tonight's activity? Arm Wrestling! First it was Eve vs. Victoria. Jim Korderas was the ref. Victoria mocked Eve and the length of time she had been there. Eve gave it a good go, but Victoria beat her pretty quickly, trash talking all the time. She rules! Next it was Cherry and Michelle. The shook hands before starting. Victoria hyped up Cherry, but Michelle won. That left us with Victoria & Michelle. Victoria is truly AWESOME here. When the final started, Victoria tried BLWOING at Michelle to put her off. Michelle finally won the match and the competition. Thaddeus got the girls to line up to find out who was eliminated by the public vote.

VICTORIA?!?!?!?! Yep, she got eliminated! Cherry looked as shocked as anyone.

After the break, we saw the Mayweather video. Awesome video. Apparently the WWE had my idea of bringing in Ricky Hatton, but he turned them down as well, even though he is actually a big wrestling fan. And he's not likely to fight many more matches. Cole then introduced the video with the experts talking about the match, including comments from Roy Jones Jr. and Evander Holyfield.

Big Show def. Chase Stevens, Andy Douglas & Luke Hawx in a "Who'd have thunk that The Naturals would have made it to WWE before Chris Harris, given how he's signed with them and they haven't..." Handicap match
Back in the arena, Big Show made his way out and who was there to meet him but WSX's Luke Hawx and THE FRIGGING NATURALS! We saw a recap of the AWESOME punch by Big Show on RAW, with Jericho offering comments telling Floyd that he had bitten off more than he could chew, because he now knew what a punch from Show was like.

Well, even faced with the mightiness of The Naturals and a guy whose former gimmick was that of being an Alter Boy, Big Show easily went through his opponents. He immediately put Chase in the Tree Of Woe, before sending Douglass into him, before giving Douglas the Final Cut. He gave Hawx a big chop and then shoved him over the top to the floor. He sent Douglas out before punching out Stevens for the three.

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3/10 - You can REALLY tell Show trained for boxing, because those punches were awesome. They are building up Big Show well as an unstoppable threat.
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Back from break, we saw a re-iteration of the Make-A-Wish announcement with regards to Mania with comments form some actress called Raven Simone. NO idea who she is, but she's probably popular.

Edge def. Funaki in a "So many Undertaker references, so little time" match
Edge made his way out with the Rated Rmy, and this week, they managed to shoot off the pyro. And the night of easy opponents continued when out came Funaki, marking his personal "Decade Of Destruction", if Funaki had ever "destructed" anything, that is... But really. He debuted in March 1998. Funaki has been in the WWE for A WHOLE DECADE!!! As it goes, he was looking thin here too.

Edge took Funaki into the corner easily, but the ref called for the break. Edge cockily circled Funaki before locking up and grabbing the arm before snapmaring him over. He again looked pleased with himself. Another lock up saw Edge grab a side headlock, and when Funaki shoved him off, Edge knocked him down. Funaki got a couple of shots in, but had a whip reversed. However, Funaki faked out Edge who had tried to fake out Funaki with a crossbody out the corner. However, Edge took Funaki down with a Big Boot.

Edge kicked Funaki in the back before choking him in the ropes. He choked him again in the ropes before baseball sliding Funaki out the ring to the floor. Edge stepped out and sent Funaki into the guard rail. Back in the ring, Funaki got a couple of shots in, but was cut off with a neckbreaker. Funaki dodged a corner charge with a surprise sunset flip for a 2 count. Funaki ran off the ropes, but he was met with a spear. Edge made the pin, but pulled Funaki up at 2. Why? To mock the Undertaker's mannerisms and give Funaki a Tombstone for the win. And boy, it came close to actually spiking Funaki's head into the mat for real! He should have put the Gogoplata on too, for good measure...

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4/10 - Edge looked perfect here. Cocky, yet with a vicious streak. And not only did he give a perfect tombstone, but also a good, fiery promo.
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Edge got on the mic to say that a fortnight ago, he said he'd beat Undertaker and he did just that. He reiterated that he's never lost to The Deadman. He said that tonight he'd step up to a whole new level and be the end of the night we'd know what he could do.

By the way, I got the Undertaker 15-0" DVD today. It's...well, It's... Well, I've just realised how many of Undertaker's 15 wins were great matches, put it this way...

CLASH OF THE TALK SHOW HOSTS~!
After the break, it was time for the VIP Lounge with Montel Vontavious Porter, and he had a special guest with him, and that guest was high. No, it wasn't Jeff Hardy, but the Money In The Bank briefcase. His human guest was a man who could be said to have invented the MITB match. But before his guest came out, he wanted to talk about stuff. He motioned toward the ladder in the ting. It was the perfect metaphor for his career so far. Biggest Contract in Sports Entertainment. US Champion. The longest reigning in WWE history, in fact. He put over the guys he's beaten, including Batista (twice), all of whom were former World Champions. He vowed to win MITB and get himself a World Title shot. He said he was better than everyone in the match, but before he could say that he was better than Y2J...SMACKDOWN WAS JERICHO~! Indeed, as Cole pointed out, this was Jericho's first Smackdown appearance in SIX years.

Jericho said he couldn't wait for one more second and bore everyone for any longer. Jericho said he hadn't been on Smackdown in 5 and a half years and he hated to see a braggart blowhard with his own talk show. And since he hadn't been around, he wanted to introduce himself again. MVP cut him off and said he knew who Jericho was, going over the 8-Time IC & First Undisputed Champ's his laundry list of achievements (with great impressions of Jericho, as it goes), albeit finishing up by noting he was the guy who got knocked out by Big Show on Monday.

Jericho cut MVP off saying he knew about MVP. He was overpaid, over-rated, with his silly suit on. He called Monty lucky, since he ended up with MVP as initials. Here, the TitanTron (in HD!) would help us out. Hell, what if he were called "Zachory Ignatious Taylor"? Or "Luther Octavious Samson Ernest Rogers"? How horrible would "Jeremiah Antonio Cleavon Kelsey Albert Smith Schwartz" have been?

MVP brushed off the "ha ha" noting that Jericho said he was going to "Save Us", but he couldn't save himself from Orton, JBL or Big Show on Monday. He said he was going to show Jericho he was going to do at Mania, by climbing up the ladder and unhooking the briefcase. Jericho listened, and then decided to show him what he was going to do. Y2J+8 (JG Note: GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!) (Another JG Note: SO WAS THAT!) then shoved the ladder over and grabbed the case, posing with it in the corners, as MVP writhed at ringside.

Kane & Chuck Palumbo wrestled to a No Contest in a "If I weren't half-crazed, you'd think these people cared about the ECW Title..." match
Kane made his big red way to the ring as Cole put over the ECW Title Contender Battle Royal at Wrestlemania, the putting over that Chuck was in the match too. I tell you people, Colin Delaney better be in the match and he better win it! Cole put over that Mark Henry, Great Khali and Big Daddy V would also be in the match. And that is why I want Colin the match!

They locked up, with Kane knocking Chuck down with a shoulder block for a 2 count. Chuck forced Kane into the corner, but Kane grabbed Chuck and dumped him in the corner himself. Lil' Naitch tried calling for the break, but Chuck got the cheapshot in and sent Kane through the corner to the ringpost, before rolling Kane up for a 2 count. Chuck grabbed and wrung the arm, before barring it. Chuck continued to re-wring the arm and bar it, but Kane broke it up. In the corner, Palumbo pulled Kane's leg and clotheslined Kane down for a 2 count. Back to the arm. Kane got back to his feet and broke the hold but Chuck laid in some shots. Palumbo came running off the ropes, but was met with a Big Boot. Kane went up top and hit the flying clothesline. Chuck took a powder, sensing what was coming. Kane got out the ring to speed things up. He caught up with Chuck and rammed his head in the guard rail. Back in the ring, he took Palumbo into the corner before working him over.

Chuck telegraphed Kane, but Kane clotheslined Chuck over the top rope to the floor as we took a break, A break?!?!?! I thought they'd be going to the finish...

We came back with Kane still in control, with Chuck in the corner. Kane whipped Palumbo across and clotheslined him. A second one was blocked though, before both men collided, knocking the other down. Suddenly The Great Khali's music played and the big Indian made his way out to the ring. Kane was on his feet, so Khali gave Kane an overhand chop before giving Chuck a Khali Bomb. Kane took a Khali Bomb too. Then Mark Henry came out, and Khali's former tag partner was pissed for some reason. Henry blocked the Khali chop, before giving him the World's Strongest Slam!!! Chuck was splashed before Kane was given a World's Strongest Slam of his own.

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6/10 - Very decent big man match with a pretty cool bit of business after Khali came out. That said, I'd have stuck Big Daddy V in there too. What it certainly did though was get over the idea that these men, heel or face, wanted the ECW Title and, let's face it, the ECW Title could do with all the help it can get.
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Cole & Coach were at ringside, where they introduced the Hall Of Fame announcement video for Eddie Graham, to be inducted by Dusty Rhodes. Also, as a note, USA Network will be showing the highlights on Saturday night (11pm, I think), while in the UK, Sky Sports will air the show a whole bunch of times on Wrestlemania Sunday, ranging form 8am to 5:30 pm, those two airing times in particular being in HD.

THE GREATEST TAG TEAM EVER~! def. Jesse & Festus in a "Oh, thank God for that!" match to retain the WWE Tag Titles
Jesse & Festus made their way out, fresh from their very fun match on ECW on Tuesday (which I watched live, thanks to the current advantageous Daylight Savings Time situation). Hero number 1 (a.k.a. John Morrison) then came out followed by Hero Number 2 (That would be The Miz). Note to WWE, I WANT MY MORRISON & MIZ SHIRTS! I'M STILLW AITING AND I ORDERED THEM A WEEK OR TWO AGO! Cole said Miz told him that he hadn't lost confidence over recent pinnings. The bell rang and Festus ran wild, punching down Morrison, who wasn't watching. Festus barged down Morrison, who took a powder. Festus went right out after him, giving him an uppercut on the floor before rolling Morrison back in. Miz came off the top into another uppercut. Festus booted Morrison down before HEADBUTTING MORRISON'S BACK! Jesse was tagged in, giving Morrison a swinging neckbreaker for a 2 count.

Morrison was whipped into the corner, and while he avoided the charge, Jesse readjusted and slipped out before climbing up and giving the Shaman Of Sexy a crossbody. However, Miz hit a cheap shot, allowing Morrison to tag him in. Miz went to work, clubbing at Jesse before putting on an abdominal stretch variant, while Jesse was seated. Jesse got back to his feet and out of the hold, but Miz stayed on top with clubs to the back. Morrison was tagged in, but not before Miz snapped Jesse's neck on the middle rope. Morrison laid in shots to Jesse. However, he posed for too long as Jesse caught him with a roll up for 2. Morrison stayed on top with a neckbreaker for a 2 count. Morrison put on a chinlock, but Jesse rolled out of it. Jesse narrowly missed the tag, as Morrison drove him into his corner and tagged in Miz.

Miz made a cover for a 2 count, before putting the chinlock on again, as well as some knees to the back. Jesse hit a jawbreaker to break the hold, but Morrison was tagged in and he prevented Jesse from tagging in Festus. He kicked Jesse in the back a few times. A suplex was blocked and then countered by Jesse, allowing Jesse to make the tag. Miz tagged in as well, but it was Festus who went mental. He hit a flapjack on his opponents, before giving Miz a fallaway slam. The ass splash was next to Miz, before Jesse was propelled onto Miz. Morrison appeared and low-bridged Festus before breaking up the pinfall. Miz then hit the Reality Check for the three count. The bell rang, naturally, sending Festus back to his docile state, giving the champions a sense of relief as Festus stood there like a dork.

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7/10 - I really rather enjoyed that, even with the Miz/Morrison subjectivity turned off. It was a classic tag team match that never stopped moving with Miz & Morrison getting some good heat, and the crowd were into it.
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Cole & Coach said that next week, Vicki Guerrero had booked Chris Jericho vs. MVP! AWESOME!

The RAW Rebound was all about the fun 17 on 2 main event. And if they ever want to get Cena & Orton universally cheered again, then they know what to book, because that's what somehow happened here!

Cole & Coach then went over the main Wrestlemania card.

The Undertaker def. Chavo Guerrero in a "What's with all this heat-getting by the grunts???" non-title match
Chavo Guerrero came out first. As did Edge, Ryder & Hawkins, as we took a break... We came back to see Chavo waiting as the Rated Rmy clapped him on. Couldn't they have started Taker's intro during the break. It's long enough... Speaking of long enough, Cole said Taker's walk to the ring at Wrestlemania would be about the length of a football field. Well, there's 20 minutes of your four hours right there... When Taker got in the ring, Chavo ducked out to receive some last minute advice form Edge as Undertaker stared holes in the group. Chavo slowly climbed back in. The bell rang and Undertaker went to work on the ECW Champion. A whip off the rope saw Chavo hit with a back body drop. Undertaker went to work on the arm and shoulder of Guerrero, before climbing up and hitting the obvious Old School.

In the corner, Chavo was worked over with elbows and what not, but a Ryder distraction allowed Chavo to switch and get some shots in. However, undertaker switched back with a haymaker. He whipped Chavo into the corner and grabbed for a chokeslam. This was blocked by Chavo, but Taker hit a slam for a 2 count. Taker got himself involved with Hawkins, allowing Chavo to dropkick Taker out the ring. Chavo rammed Taker's head into the announce table, before slingshotting in with an axe handle for a quick 2 count. Chavo threw fists with Undertaker on his knees, before putting on an armbar, using his legs as well. Taker rolled over and grabbed the rope. However, Taker just stood up with Chavo still locked in and slammed him down to break the hold.

Undertaker threw fists, knocking down Chavo, before whipping him into the corner for a splash. Snake Eyes was followed by a Big Boot., The Rmy got on the apron before a Chavo dive was caught in a chokeslam position. Ryder came in, but was sent right out again onto Edge & Hawkins. Taker put Chavo in the Gogoplata, forcing the tapout from Chavo as he bled.

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6/10 - Far more decent than I imagined it would be with Chavo getting more offence than I expected. The result was never in doubt though, but a decent enough prologue to what came next.
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No sooner has he released the hold when the Rmy attacked. He had Ryder & Hawkins set for a double chokeslam, but Edge hit the spear. Chairs we sent into the ring and the three attacked Undertaker with chair, jabbing at his stomach and legs, before hitting fully fledged shots. Edge waited until Taker got back to his feet to SMACK a shot on Taker's head (at least it was protected). Edge then set up for and hit the obvious ConChairTo. Edge yelled that it was over this year as the show ended.

OVERALL - 7/10 (- 0.5 on last week) - A fun show this week, with some really good Wrestlemania build, especially with regard tot he main event. When Undertaker was confirmed as the contender, I fully expected that the story would be that Edge kept feeding Hawkins & Ryder to Taker while barely escaping himself, getting little to no heat on Taker himself as the crushing inevitability of Taker's win kicked in. So I'm genuinely shocked that they are booking Edge like a total star and one that's getting a ton of heat on Taker with a pin over and a beat down on the Deadman in the last few weeks.

Aside from the main, there was good build elsewhere, notably once again with Batista and Big Show. Big Show's knockout punch is really starting to get over, if it's not there already. Personally, even while I would imagine it might end up being in the running for one of the worst matches of the year, I'm sure as hell excited to see how this one turns out. Plus, I have to agree with JG about Batista & Umaga. Umaga fighting someone on RAW would have been nothing and Batista fighting a Smackdown guy would be nothing as well, so putting them together is great. Also, as it goes, I enjoyed the Battle Royal hype, with guys showing that they wanted to win, even if they aren't the most talented guys. I'm really looking forward to the PPV. Put it this way, while unlikely at this point, I might have to start a new job the morning after Wrestlemania. At 8:30am in the morning. Barely four hours after Mania's due to end. But even if I do (although the start date looks like being slightly delayed), there is no chance in hell I'm missing out on not only watching the show, but doing the Real Time here on the site.