Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Jackpot!
By Aaron Wood
Apr 2, 2010 - 6:48 PM

MY back is killing me, and my right thigh muscle feels like it's come off the bone. Why? THE MOTHERF**KING SNOW! Yes, on MARCH THIRTIETH, there was a friggin' blizzard! So yesterday, the crappy shovel I have came out again, and I broke myself clearing the snow from all round my car and driveway. So yeah, bad times today, especially since I had to go food shopping today, and what usually takes me 90 minutes on a slow day took me nearly THREE HOURS, because everywhere was so busy. Indeed,,, it got to the point, where if you saw my Facebook update earlier, I was ready to knock out every person in the store. No discrimination. Just thumping everything that moved. But hey, that was earlier, I have a Smackdown to review, and apparently something fun happens. And I've got some videos of tracks that I've not heard or seen the video for in AGES. So let's go!

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Cole picked wrong, Chris Jericho gave us a lecture on the fundamentals of life, Vickie's ass was saying "Excuse Me" and the last thing on the go-home show was the first thing on the PPV...

THIS WEEK…
The Friday after the SPEAR~! through the timekeepers position before...
After introductions, we kick off this week with Chris Jericho coming out. Striker & Grisham noted he was a bit pissy despite retaining thanks to Edge getting immediate retribution on Sunday by hitting that hellacious spear through the timekeeper's position, after losing at Mania. Jericho, despite his alleged pissiness, smugly said he was still champion and the best in the world at what he does. He said last week he was genetically superior and he was right, and at Mania he wrestled the perfect match and proved he was the greatest champion ever. He said Edge's act of spearing him through the dasher boards was cowardly, and as he lay there an innocent victim, all he heard was 70000 hypocrites chanting "Spear". But then he realised why. Edge and the fans were the same. They were all losers! Jericho said he was champion because he was a honest man who did what he says he'd do.

Edge came out to the ring. He said Jericho was right, in so far that Edge and the fans had something in common. A love of seeing Jericho getting speared. Why not another tonight? Edge wanted a rematch, but Jericho said it wasn't his to claim, since he lost his shot. Actually, he's puts him at the back of the line. And nothing Edge could say would change the fact he was a loser. So get out of his ring. Edge nailed Jericho with a punch, stripped Jericho's top, revealing taped ribs and elbow, hit the Edgecution and then the spear, standing tall.

After a replay, we saw Edge walking up the aisle. And then we cut to an odd camera angle. Why? To catch Jack Swagger running in from behind and whacking Edge in the back with the MITB briefcase! Having downed Edge, he checked on how Jericho was moving before getting a mic and calling for a ref. He was cashing it in!

Jack Swagger def. Chris Jericho in a "At least he learned from Monday..." match to win the World Heavyweight Title
Much like Monday, it took an AGE for a referee to come down to the ring. However, Jack was a little brighter tonight, as he stood over Jericho to make sure he didn't particularly move, with the briefcase in hand, ready to hit him with it. Eventually Mike Chioda came out, and handed off the case to the ring attendant. Chioda then proceeded to clear the ring of the mics and jacket and stuff, much to Swagger's immense consternation, since this was all recovery time for Jericho. However, as the bell FINALLY rang, Jericho was barely conscious anyway, so one gutwrench powerbomb later, we had a NEW WORLD CHAMPION!

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1/10 - Not a match at all. But an incredibly nice touch in making Swagger wait just like Monday. It teased that he'd either have to bail on the shot again, or worse, Jericho would have recovered enough to catch him out and pin him.
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You know how Jack Swagger can act a little bit goofy, bouncing around a bit like Tigger? Well, upon winning the title. He IMMEDIATELY went into deadpan mode. He very stoically stood up and held up the belt, entirely emotionless. Has to be said the crowd popped BIG for the change, and were chanting "Ring the bell" when Chioda got in the ring. As Swagger calmly made his way up the aisle, Edge, still down at ringside, just about took in what had happened.


Babylon Zoo - "Animal Army"

Back from break, we recapped what just happened with the title change. Grisham noted it was the fastest cash-in yet.

R-Truth & John Morrison def. Cryme Tyme in a "Well, at least there's no more Word Up..." match
Truth & Morrison's entrances took longer than this match. Hell, Cryme Tyme's intro was probably longer. Shad started off with Truth. After a lockup, Shad shoulder blocked Truth, but Truth slipped out a Gorilla Press and hit the scissor kick. He tagged Morrison in for Starship Pain and we were in done in about 30 seconds tops.

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1/10 - Again, not a match, but a catalyst for what happens next.
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JTG got in the ring, having not bothered to break up the quick pin, and the the pair exchanged words. Shad put his hands on JTG, which JTG didn't like, so Shad gave him a big boot. Shad then laid in some knees to the gut, before punching him square in the jaw. He then hit the STO to complete the breakup. Grisham noted they'd been together for 4 years.

We cut to the back to see SWAGGAH~! still stoically walking as he stopped by the random conversation of Slam Master J, Tony Atlas and Mickie James. He waited until they congratulated him before walking off. He came across Shelton Benjamin, who looked like he was texting something, and said he should probably be called the "Gold Standard" now.

We returned to see the Cryme Tyme implosion again. We cut to Josh, who was with Shad. He said that there was no more Cryme Tyme, but it was his time. My Time. Or "My Tyme", if you will...


Stellastarr* - "Sweet Troubled Soul"

Should I be writing a proper match headline for this bit? Either way, THE SCOTTISH INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION~! Drew McIntyre
Drew came out first, followed by Hardy for a match. However, before Hardy got in the ring, Drew attacked him and sent him into the ring post. He pulled Matt in the ring and hit the Futureshock DDT, before raising his belt and left. No bell or anything. So we've had 2 matches that combined didn't last a minute and one that hasn't gotten started.

We cut to a vignette for some kids show that John Cena is appearing in for an episode. It on on Saturday. Check your listings!

Once again, we saw the World Title change coming back, albeit with extra Jericho rage afterwards. The Legend That Is Todd Grisham and Matt Striker lined up a package on Shawn Michaels's retirement speech on RAW. Striker said it was the greatest moment in RAW history. Yeah, anyone else notice the no-so-subtle digs at the Flair retirement thing on Monday? Having seen it already from NXT, it's a damn great video nonetheless. It's funny, but despite the fact that, somehow, I have less faith in HBK staying retired as I had Flair at the time (well, come on, who knew Flair was going to be a complete bumblef**k, piss his money away and beg TNA for work at the time?), HBK's speech seemed more genuine, despite knowing what happened with Flair. I don't if it would have made the speech more perfect, but what I would have probably done is, as he was ending, have the roster come out, do a guard of honour up to the top where, HHH was waiting for that end bit. That was my only issue with the whole thing. It just seemed a little devoid of appreciation of the roster, especially when they did it for Flair. And it made Taker's thing stick out a bit odd, especially when he didn't appear during Flair's farewell. Ah well, it doesn't matter now. Still an awesome segment and video.

We cut backstage to Simply Flawless and Vickie, who was wearing a necklace with "Cougar" on it. Guerrero was annoyed that people were saying it was a "Hog Splash" that finished the match on Sunday. Michelle suggested the "Cougar Splash". Jack Swagger walked in and the girls clapped. He wanted to see Teddy Long, but Vickie said he could deal with her. He wanted to make a "State of The Championship Address" tonight. She said that was good with her. Swagger went to leave but gave Vickie a peck on the cheek before leaving, leaving the girls giggling like 12 year old's.

Dolph Ziggler def. The Great Khali in a "Shawn's retirement, this ain't..." match
The POONjabi Playboy and THOSE 70'S SIDEBURNS~! came out before a break, followed by Dolph Ziggler afterwards. Hey, a commercial break where we didn't see the title change coming out of it! At the bell, Dolph ducked out to avoid a closing Khali, but on coming back in, ran into a clothesline. Khali hit a big chop to the chest in the corner. Khali then hit a big boot, that knocked Ziggler out of the ring. Khali pulled him back up to the apron by the head, but Ziggler dropped Khali on the ropes before jumping off the top and locking on the sleeper hold. Khali tossed Dolph off, but Mr. Ziggles remained on top of things and locked it in again, getting a bodyscissors locked in and eventually making the giant pass out!

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5.5/10 - I don't know if this was supposed to be a plot point or a minor screwup on the wrestlers end, but Khali's foot went on or under the ropes a couple of times near the end that the ref missed. I would assume they just didn't think about Khali's size. Also, at about 2 and a half minutes, it was by far the longest match to this point! That said, it was an OK match while it lasted. It finally got the sleeper to work on someone, and the best someone for it to work on.
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Khali was up quick as Singh checked on him. They got microphones and gave their own farewell speech, as Singh said Khali he had done some soul searching and wanted to take some time off to go back home to India, build up his stamina, and when he returned, he would be World Champion. I believe Khali is actually offski for a while.

The Straight Edge society were shown walking the halls.

The "Smack Of The Night" was was screencap montage of the Punk/Rey match at Mania. Rey's attire? EPIC FAIL.

Well, at least we now don't necessarily know that Rey's winning...
Really...if Punk & Serena aren't making the beast with two backs, they're doing a great job suggesting that's the case. Before Punk spoke, Gallows took the mic and said that the people needed to open their ears. Punk could save them all. He said that the time to make a change in their lives was here and now. Punk took the mic back and teased speaking, but he let the crowd boo some more, prompting Serena to take the mic to tell the crowd to show some respect. She said Punk was perfect in every way. He was selfless and remarkable. And a healer. If we could just look into his beautiful eyes, we would see that he wasn't blinded by sin and addiction as the crowd were. She said Punk could save us like he had Serena and Luke. If it weren't for Punk, the two of them would be like the crowd. She could see a sea of demons, but when she looked a Punk, she saw an angel. Yeah, they've got to be f**king like rabbits. GOT TO.

Punk finally spoke to say if there was ever a city that needed saving, it was Vegas. And those at home, he kinda envied them, because they weren't there. If you hadn't been to Vegas before, you could buy booze 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. And you could smoke anywhere you liked. And here we have a crowd cheering those things, like sheep. He said that "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is a lie. It's all a lie. To each other and themselves. Like Rey Mysterio. What happened at Mania wasn't supposed to happen, but instead he's still out there lying to himself. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, Rey needed Straight Edge and CM Punk. Rey was supposed to be the person to show that ANYONE could be saved. And so he was laying down a challenge for a rematch. He knew what the answer would be, but Punk was willing to sacrifice something very important. Something free of chemicals, something that represented his purity, something that represented his position as the leader. If Rey could beat Punk again, he would sacrifice his hair. Because that's how much he cared about Rey, he'd sacrifice a piece of himself to save Rey.

Nice. With any mask match, you know Rey is a 99% lock to win. Too much merch money in it. But a Hair vs. SES Spot match? Not so clear cut a result.

The video announcing Wrestlemania 27 in Atlanta airs.


My Life Story - "12 Reasons Why I Love Her"

Beth Phoenix & Tiffany def. Michelle McCool & Layla in a "Phew, after Monday, I thought Tiffany had defected to RAW..." match
Simply Flawless came out first with Vickie Guerrero, as Michelle & Layla had vests on that said "You Love Us". The babyfaces followed. Tiffany started with Michelle, and the Women's Champion took control easily of her more inexperienced opponent. However, after a bit of bragging, Tiffany scored a leg trip, atomic drop and monkey flip She mounted Michelle in the corner, but was thrown off for a 2 count. McCool did some choking in the ropes before tagging Layla in. They hit a double facebuster on Tiffany before Layla hit a leg drop for a 2 count. Layla locked on a chinlock, but Tiffany threw her off and tagged in Beth. Beth gave Layla an airplane spin and then a clothesline. She knocked Michelle off the apron, before avoiding a spinning roundhouse kick. She gave Layla the Glam Slam for the win.

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5.5/10 - Decent little match to keep things bubbling along a little.
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Vickie got on the apron and was halfway in the ring, before Beth noticed, forcing Michelle to pull her out as Beth beckoned her back in.

We cut backstage to see Teddy Long looking rather pleased as Jericho approached from behind. He wanted Teddy to reverse the title back to him. Who does he think he is? HHH? Teddy thought he was out of his mind. Long offered him his rematch tonight. Jericho said his ribs were hurt, and he was taken advantage of. Long said if he didn't want his rematch, then get to steppin'. Jericho warned Teddy that Swagger wouldn't get away with it. HE was the champion.

Pretty good advert for the replay of Wrestlemania. Back on the show itself, they talked about the Bret vs. Vince match and Hart family swerve. This sent it to Josh Matthews, who had the Hart Dynasty with him. And boy, they were all smiles. Actually, the smiles looked so forced, that it was if neither of the three had ever smiled before. Each of them had a grin that was a bizarre mix of cheesy, creepy and slightly retarded. Natalya said they couldn't be more excited for "this amazing opportunity", and they wouldn't let anyone down. WHAT OPPORTUNITY? I think she was talking about an upcoming tag title match, since she was firmly talking about the future, but you'd' think they'd be talking about Mania first and foremost. THE REAL CANADIAN BULLDOG, David Hart Smith certainly was as he said it was great to have the family in attendance to see Stu get inducted, and then part of Bret's match on Sunday. Tyson said that it was now their time to carry on the Hart family tradition. And then, apropos of nothing, Jack Swagger stepped emotionless into the picture, blocking the Dynasty out and held up his belt.


Sebadoh - "Flame"

Kane came out to the ring (still with the black eye he had at Mania) and got a mic. He said he was getting bored, and thusly frustrated. A frustrated monster wasn't healthy for anyone. And the way he saw it, the more the better, so tonight he was taking on the ENTIRE NXT roster. All EIGHT of them.

Kane def. The NXT Rookies by DQ in a "So, is this counting on all their records???" Handicap elimination match
The NXT rookies came out to the ring as the break kicked in. We came back at the bell, with Daniel Bryan starting off for them. Bryan scored some leg kicks and then avoided Kane's boots, but was caught on a crossbody. Kane slammed him down and hit the basement dropkick, but Bryan tagged in Darren Young. The South Beach Bumblef**k got a couple of shots in, but they angered Kane more than anything. He was taken into the corner and whipped across, but avoided a charge. He came off the second rope for a double axe handle, but Kane cut that off and bieled him over.

Justin Gabriel tagged in, but Barrett tagged himself in right away. Kane worked over Wade in the corner, but came back thanks to Tarver's trash talk. He drove shoulders into Kane in the corner, but Kane came back with the uppercut, but ran into a big boot for a 3 count. Down to 7. Skip Sheffield stepped in as we took another break.

Skip was still in the match was we came back, but he was downed before whipped across and splashed. As Kane slammed Skip, Heath Slater tagged himself in and broke up the non-legal pin. He went up to the second rope, but got caught for a chokeslam and his elimination. Michael Tarver came in and was tossed over the top just as quickly. David Otunga got in the ring, but bailed again, calling a huddle. The remaining 5 circled the ring. Darren Young sacrificed himself, drawing Kane's attention, allowing Daniel Bryan to lock on a sleeper as the rest attacked, forcing the ref to call for a DQ.

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6/10 - A decent match, that got the NXT guys some TV time on one of the main shows. Anything to help promote Tuesdays. I'm not quite sure their presentation was entirely successful though, since they all kinda came off as heels in the end, ganging up on Kane, before running off like kids.
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The 6 of them (since Tarver woke up and joined them) got their shots in, but as they held Kane for Tarver, Kane broke free and knocked Tarver down again. However, The rookies took control again, and Daniel Bryan hit a front missile dropkick. Wade with a leg drop. Otunga with an elbow drop. Sheffield with the big splash, and it was capped off by Gabriel's 450 splash. That said, this didn't put Kane down for long, as while they celebrated, Kane got up, causing them to bail. Kane then chased them up the ramp.


DJ Shadow - High Noon

Hey, did you know that Jack Swagger won the World Title earlier in the night? No? Well, here's the replay for the 866967532nd time...

Who are you more surprised at holding the title beyond the end of the show after cashing in? Punk beating Edge or Swagger tonight?
After the ads, Swagger came out. Again, he was stoic, with a folder in his hand. He didn't even drop for a couple of push-ups. He said it would be the first of many "State Of The Championship" addresses he would be giving. He then read some prepared statements. He congratulated us all on witnessing this history of Swagger becoming the new World Champion. He stopped and said he'd be champion for a long time, and would appreciate silence until his speech was over. He began reeling off a speech at speed that included his record in collegiate wrestling, before coming to WWE where became ECW champion within 4 months. He then bragged about his MITB win. He didn't plan it this way, but this World Title win couldn't come at a better time, since they'd found their replacement for Shawn Michaels as the greatest living wrestler on the planet.

Speaking of, here comes a pissed Jericho, cutting Swagger off. He told Swagger to give the title back to him. it was quite funny in a child-like way, as if Swagger was holding it up high and Jericho couldn't jump high enough. Jericho said he was the champion, not Swagger. Swagger had committed the biggest crime in WWE history in stealing the title. Jack was lucky that he was injure,d but he healed quick and he'd take the title back. However, as he demanded things be made right, Edge came out.

As Edge got in the ring, Swagger left for ringside. Edge told Swagger to show what kind of champion he was by facing him. Hell, Jack wouldn't be champion if it weren't for Edge. Hell, cashing in Money In The Bank? Edgeward can appreciate, nicely done, but why not face someone who is neither injured nor afraid to face him. Jericho said Edge had no right to request a title match, but Edge retorted that his two spears caused Jericho to be an ex-champion right now. So do everyone a favour and shut it.

Teddy Long came out to the stage and said that we had a situation. Jericho had a rematch, but didn't want it. Edge wanted a rematch, but didn't have one to get. So he had a solution. Next week, it's Jericho vs. Edge, and the winner gets Swagger at Extreme Rules. Well, Long didn't mention the PPV, but you can take it as read. Swagger went to attack Edge, but he had it scouted. However, this allowed Jericho to hit the Codebreaker on Edge. And this allowed Swagger to hit the gutwrench powerbomb on Jericho and then another one on Edge, standing with his title over his shoulder and the deadpan expression over the pair of them as the show ended.

OVERALL - You see, here's the thing. Vince Russo has recently bitched about people monitoring "the amount of fake wrestling of a show" and how little he cared that there was so little, and that you could do a show with barely a match at all. Guess what people, Vince Russo is 100% correct! Vince Russo's problem is that he writes such shitty 0.6-rating shows, that it's even more glaringly obvious that there's no wrestling on Impact. Because you see, this show, with what can't have been more than 10 minutes of in-ring action, was pretty damn good! Quite great in places in fact.

Never mind the year of our supposed Lord, 2009. Jack Swagger is now a STAR. Plain and simple. Jabroni no more. I had hoped that a draft move to Smackdown would see him rehabilitated from a guy who could rarely buy a win to someone more usable up the card. Turns out, they could do it in one episode of Smackdown BEFORE the draft even happened. Like I noted, rather than the bouncy/goofy Swagger, the one with the deadpan, all-business attitude LOOKS like he belongs up there and indeed, a champion. Only thing I'd have done differently for tonight would be sticking him in a suit for his speech. And if he cuts more promos in the style of his address, he's going to get major heat, because it's such a douchebaggy style he's delivering them in, because it's a proper speech as anyone else would give, not a wrestling promo where you stop for reaction. Almost the exact opposite to Vickie Guerrero's "Excuse me!", but remarkably with the same end result.

When I read the spoilers, I thought the Cryme Tyme break up was pretty ridiculous. You know, given there was no warning. And yes, in some ways, it was even more TNA-riffic in so far as it was a 30 second match, where JTG did nothing to help his partner, and yet, it was Shad turning heel. If JTG had been the one in the ring, it would have made more sense. But you know, it kinda worked for me! At least in as far as I want to see where each of them goes from here.

Khali's thing was interesting, given they had it in the same week as Shawn, and indeed, right after a package on HBK's retirement. Seemed like odd juxtaposition, that if anything harmed the HBK thing. That said, at least they made it clear Khali would be back after a time. Again, I liked Punk's challenge because it's a match where the result isn't as clear cut as you'd think. And given how desperate Punk will be at this point, I can see mucho cheating giving him the win.

The NXT thing was rather odd as well, just in the ways that the group ended up presented, like a bunch of children, who between 6 of them couldn't finish Kane off to the point where Kane wasn't able to chase them up the ramp. And they all drew heat for the beatdown, including the clear-cut babyfaces of Gabriel & Bryan. And the end was pretty good, setting up the title picture going forward.