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Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: The Story Of How A Reviewer Lost His Mind Over The Course Of 2 Hours...
By Aaron Wood
 ...
LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Matt Hardy skipped to the end, There was a likely family reunion backstage, someone forgot to hit the play button on the CD player and a Neidhart turned up with a great pair of Anvils...
THIS WEEK… How to make a Khali segment exciting...Dancing girls and booze! No recaps nor nothing to start us off this week. So while, if you missed last week's show, you might not know what happened, at least you won't be confused like you are with TNA's "recaps"... The pyro blows...literally., as Cole & Coach pimp the main event before sending it to the ring where Khali is already stood in the ring while a bunch of girls (and guys) dance. The announcers claim it's a "Punjabi Peace offering". Some guy...literally "some guy" talks about peace and love saying that Khali was there to offer peace with Big Show. Rather annoying music is played at the same time, which almost drowns the first guy out. Big Show makes his way out as Khali starts a promo. The dancers vamoose , although the (now small looking) spiritual guys remain. Khali starts promoing again and the music kicks back in. The random dudes offer up Ganges water. They tell Big Show he should be drinking what looks like sewage... Khali then offers up Scotch from India. They claim it's the World's finest... THAT'S SCOTTISH WHISKY, BITCHES!!! Big Show takes a sip and gags. Khali finally offers up a chicken (with sound effects) Big Show takes his chicken and holds it with some confidence. This music is getting REALLY annoying. Then out comes a goat. Can we just stop a moment? Did I take LSD earlier??? I can't remember doing it, but I think I'm going f***-crazy. The goat is put away again as Big Show readies to cut a promo. Big Show says he can't describe how he feels. But he could so him. He offers his right hand that Khali takes. And then he knocks the other big man out with one right hand. I can't say it was good, but that was THE SINGLE MOST BIZARRE SEGMENT I'VE EVER SEEN! And I saw Mae Young give birth and HHH hump "Katie Vick". THE GREATEST TAG TEAM EVER~! def. Shannon Moore & Jimmy Wang Yang in a "Business as usual then..." match Wrestlemania's "Jim Morrison" made his way tot he ring first as the Shaman Of Sexy made his way to the ring followed by THE MIZ~!, carrying the belt that I got to hold one day not that long ago...  As Miz came out we saw a clip from the great "Dirt Sheet" where they mocked Shannon & Yang. Brilliant stuff. Than again, The Dirt Sheet is the best thing going today. The mockery victims came out next. Morrison & Moore started things off, as Moore nutted up and shoved Morrison. Morrison grabbed a headlock and after being shoved off, knocked down Moore. Morrison called Moore a virgin, but Moore scored a quick roll up for a 2 count. Moore took Morrison over with a legscissors for another 2 count. Yang was tagged in and he hit a dropkick for a 2 count. Suplex scored Yang another 2. Yang went for a wrist lock, but Morrison broke it quick. After some mounted punches in the corner, Yang ran into a hard clothesline by Morrison, who then tagged in THE MIZ~!, who scored a 2 count. Yang flipped out a back suplex and hit a spinning heel kick for a 2 count. Moore was tagged in, and he flipping for a 2 count on Miz. Moore however was then sent into the middle rope throat first, and Morrison cheap shot got Miz a 2 count. Morrison was tagged in and the champs hit a lovely double team move for a 2 count on Moore. Morrison put on what looked like a cobra clutch on the mat, but Moore got out of it. However, Shannon was pulled back into the heel corner, where the now-legal Miz hit a splash in the corner for a 2 count. Miz hit Moore with a clothesline and tagged Morrison back in. Morrison hit the break-dancing leg drop for another near fall. Morrison laid in shots from the mount. Morrison went back to the rest hold but Moore elbowed out of it. However, he was scoop slammed. But then Morrison took too long to pose and Moore kicked Morrison in the head before tagging in Yang. He hit a series of kicks to Morrison for a 2 count. Yang went for a monkey flip out the corner, but it was blocked with Morrison putting Yang up top. Yang hit a missile dropkick for a 2 count, broken by Miz. Moore was low bridged by Miz and as Yang decked Miz, Morrison came off the ropes with a kick to the head for a 2 count. Miz got the blind tag, and he came from behind with a great neckbreaker for the three count. ---------- 7/10 - Damn fine match there. All partiality aside, it has to be said that Miz & Morrison are one of the, if not the, best team going at the moment. ---------- In the first of a number of segments, we went to a hotel as we saw Vicki & Edge get massages while Teddy stood there like a spare unit. Edge praised Vicki for the idea. He said he had been so stressed, so this was a great idea. What is with the wacky background music tonight??? That said, Edge was, as ever, awesome. Finlay def. Matt Striker in a "I had almost forgotten they were supposed to be Smackdown guys..." match After the break, the (not so) triumphant Irish pair returned, with the little dude looking totally fine again. They even danced a pre-match jig! Matt Striker came out next, going the Big Daddy V sign, although the tub of goo was nowhere to be seen. When the bell rang, Hornswaggle went under the ring. The pair locked up, with Finlay knocking down Finlay before decking him with a punch. They locked up in the ropes, causing the break, when Hornswaggle re-emerged with a super soaker, squirting it in Striker’s face. Finlay hit a clothesline on Striker, before taking Striker down for a 1 count. Thumb to the eye saw Striker work Finlay in the ropes, hitting a dropkick to a trapped Finlay. Striker grabbed an arm bar, before "DDT"ing it. Striker then put on a top wrist lock, but Finlay powered out of it, before hitting a rolling Samoan Drop. Striker was catapulted into the corner, before being hit with a short arm clothesline. Ass splash scored a 2 count,. but Striker hit a drop toe hold, sending Finlay into the second rope. Striker then dropkicked him out. However, as the former teacher went for the baseball slide, the Irish dude lifted the ring apron, trapping Striker so he could wail on him. Finlay got back in the ring when Hornswaggle re-appeared again. Hornswaggle did the clown trick of teasing throwing a bucket of water over Striker with it being confetti. Horny then offered Striker an Umbrella, but he refused only to turn round and see Finlay, who threw a real bucket of water over him. Back in the ring, however, Finlay missed a corner charge and Striker got a roll up for a 2 count. As the ref dealt with Finlay, Hornswaggle re-appeared with...a Whack-A-Mole hammer... Stop. Just stop. I can't review this show anymore. I'm seriously f***ing tripping here... I mean, next thing you know, we'll end up seeing Edge getting his toe-nails painted at that "spa"... ***deep breaths*** Right...let's see if I can stop imagining such wackiness... So yeah, while the ref got rid of the toy weapon, Finlay used the shillelagh to pick up the win. ---------- 5/10 - It was OK, and it re-introduced us to the wackiness of Finlay & Hornswaggle after a long period of semi/total seriousness. ---------- After the match, Striker took the Tadpole Splash from the final Cruiserweight Champion... Victoria def. Michelle McCool in a "Does this make Victoria "Bret"? And who's "Jimmy"?" match After the break, Victoria made her way out with the woman who made her debut last week. You know...Nattie Neidhart. Victoria got the mic and said he all witness the debut of Smackdown's newest Diva. Natalya Neidhart. Does the ring a bell at all (The "Natalya" part? No...)? If you don't, let's take a look at her daddy! We saw some clips of The Anvil beating guys down. Neidhart got the mic, and man, her voice is pretty deep. Apparently, the apple didn't fall far form the tree. But it's not about her father, it's about her. And she had a message. When you mess with the best, you go down with the rest. Michelle came out next, and she was walking with a purpose. She went after Neidhart, but when Victoria attacked, Michelle got the better of it, sending Victoria into the corner before hitting a clothesline. Victoria bailed and while McCool missed a baseball slide, she hit Victoria with a clothesline. Back in the ring though, Victoria down Michelle and went to work. Michelle floated over a corner charge and climbed up top. Victoria cut her off and joined her upstairs. Superplex scored a 2 count for Vicky. Victoria tried to work the arm, but after whipping Michelle into the corner, Victoria ran into a boot, before Michelle hit a rolling neckbreaker . However, Neidhart threw her jacket at Michelle and Victoria rolled McCool up, using the tights for the three count. ---------- 6/10 - Fine enough. I'd have still had Michelle win though, if she's being set up to feud with Neidhart, because losses won't help put Nattie over at the end of the day. ---------- I think Dave's secretly pissed because he knows his Mania match sucked and HBK's didn't... After a break, Michael Cole was in the ring, as he hyped up the Batista/Shawn Michaels match, saying that matches have come about because of many things, before sending it to a video of how the match came about. I still say that last week's Smackdown confrontation was between a gay biker and a gay cowboy... Other than that, a great video. I haven't seen RAW yet either, but even the clip here was awesome. Back live...well, as live gets with Smackdown...that is to say, back to Tuesday, and Cole introduced Batista, followed by Shawn Michaels. Just draft him to the good show already! Cole took his leave as Batista said he didn't think they needed anyone else. HBK said he said on Monday he was tired of going back and forth. HBK said that it wasn't about Wrestlemania. Hell, Ric Flair has moved on! Everyone has, as it goes! Well, except for Batista. So it wasn't about Wrestlemania. Dave's problem wasn't what went down in the match. His problem was with HBK. Batista admitted it, but what happened at Mania opened his eyes. He might fool everyone else, but Batista could see it was the same old HBK. He talked about having Blood on his hands on Monday, and the problem with that is that blood doesn't wash off. And while he respects Michaels getting to the top, he doesn't appreciate how he did it. Batista? Well, he nutted up and went face to face. HBK said that Batista had the physical gifts to do so, but what about him? Short...light...he had to do anything he could to get ahead, but if it's manning up he wanted, that's what he'd get. Come backlash, he'd be knocking Batista's dentures down his throat. HBK went for Sweet Chin Music, and Batista avoided it. Batista tried to go for the Batista Bomb, and HBK slipped out the ring. They traded knowing looks as HBK made his way up the ramp. This is great stuff, and if Batista can find what he had in the early part of the last year with Undertaker in terms of match quality, then he and HBK could have a great feud and combined with a heel turn could firmly establish Batista as a player again. Vladimir Kozlov def. Matt Logan in a "Erm..." match Same drill as last week. No music...no video...no lights... Beating. Only difference, rather than the Argentinean Backbreaker variant, they finished off Schmucky The Jobber with a Reverse DDT. ---------- 2/10 - He's not horrible...don't know if he's good yet though... ---------- Back at the "spa", we see Vicki getting a facial... ...while Edge beside her gets one too. They talk about the treatments they've had as Teddy walks in with drinks. They hand off their eye patches. Edge talks about the day they've had. Massages...Steam Baths...PEDICURES!!!!!! Teddy mocks it, but then we see that Edge does actually have his nails painted red!!!! They pull back to reveal a couple of women painting Edge & Vicki's toenails... That's it...I've flipped. After this show, I will be telephoning the proper authorities and having them take me away to a small, padded room where I can get the attention I quite clearly need, and Fritz can take over yet another show. Matt Hardy def. Chuck Palumbo in a "So first, he beat the guy he's feuding with, and now he's beat the guy he should be feuding with next???" match So, who came out first? Matt? No. Chuck? No. It was, in fact, MVP, who went and joined THE COLE & THE COACH~! on commentary. The Hardy whose home hasn't burned down came out next as MVP called himself the greatest US Champ ever. Hell, he's not far off being the longest running US Champion ever. That's including the NWA/WCW. As Chuck came out, MVP claimed he'd take on Hardy in London next week...but not for the title. Chuck stopped by the announce desk and said MVP was going to owe him one. In a hilarious bit, MVP said that people praised JBL & Cole and yet, Coach & Cole were rated one of the worst announce teams. Chuck took control early, working the side headlock. Hardy grabbed the hammerlock, but Palumbo forced Matt into the corner, before elbowing him in the head. Chuck went to work in the corner. Hardy fought back, but Palumbo took control again and worked Hardy over in another corner, before kicking Hardy in the back after a snapmare. European headlock by Chuck was quickly broken, but Chuck scored the scoop slam, although Hardy avoided the elbow drop. Enziguri by Hardy was followed by a "Cactus clothesline", sending both men out the ring. Hardy & MVP jaw-jacked allowing Palumbo to jump Hardy from behind as we took time to pay the bills. We came back to see Palumbo hit a belly-to-belly throw for a 2 count. Back to the European headlock from Chuck. Hardy elbowed out of it, but Chuck pulled him down again by the hair before hitting a back suplex for a 2 count. Headlock again by Palumbo. Hardy tried clubbing Chuck's back, but Palumbo came off the ropes with a big boot for a close 2 count. And once again, there was a headlock of European origin. Hardy got out of it again and then got a boot up to Chuck's head. Side Effect scored a 2 count. They traded punches, before Hardy hit knees to the head. Hardy then hit the clothesline the corner. the bulldog was shoved off, but as Chuck charged, Hardy sidestepped him and Palumbo hit the corner. Hardy went to the second rope and hit the elbow to the back of the head. He then went up again and hit a leg drop to the back of the head. That scored Matt a deuce. Hardy called for the end, but it was countered and Chuck hit a Fallaway Slam for a very close 2 count. Palumbo picked Hardy up again, but Hardy slipped out and fired off the Twist Of Fate for the three count! ---------- 7.5/10 - Another damn fine match and I would genuinely like to see more when the MVP feud is over. ---------- Hardy & MVP continued to jaw-jack after the match as MVP left. We went backstage as we saw Eve approach Jesse & Festus's dressing room. After the break, Eve got what she was after as she stood by with the Biscuits & Gravy boys. She asked Jesse how Festus was feeling. Jesse, with a worried expression, sad he didn't know what to say. He had never seen Festus like this (the same as he always is...). Jesse said he'd been trying to make sure he was focused, but this was the biggest match of his career. And that was the face of a man about to go toe to toe with Undertaker. Cole & Coach went over the Backlash card. And Jeebus H. Christ, the theme tune sucks ass. No mention of Kane vs. Chavo though... The Undertaker made his way out to the ring for the main event as we hit the ads once more. They should have had him come out second, so we could see Festus being "intimidated" by the entrance... We came back from break to see... LIVE SEX TWO!!! No, not Undertaker & Festus, but actually Vicki & Edge, who were tucked up in bed. Edgeward grabbed himself some dessert...a can of whipped cram. He let it off in here face (Hey, the "facial" thing was just a pun...this was literal) before applying to area covered by duvet. he then picked up some fruit covered in whipped cream and fed her some. Edge got the lights and they started macking out. Teddy Long then piped up, saying it was one thing to have him stand guard, but it was beyond the call of duty to witness this! Teddy walked off and Edge decided he'd get the distressed Vicki back in the mood. Undertaker def. Festus in a "Last week, it was Undertaker vs. Kane. This week...well, you can finish this one off yourself..." match We made it back to the arena as Jesse & Festus came out. The bell rang and Festus went mental, but Undertaker got a big boot right away. He hit another big boot for a 2 count. Taker wrung the arm and went to work the shoulder. Festus laid in some shots, but Undertaker persevered, and worked it over anyway, including him hitting Old School. Festus reversed a whip and hit a powerslam. Headbutts to the ribs by Festus. In the corner, Festus worked Taker over. Festus choked Taker in the corner before putting more shots in. Taker was whipped across, but Festus ran into a boot and Taker hit a clothesline for a quick 2 count. Taker hit a scoop slam, but missed an elbow. Festus clotheslined Taker out of the ring, but he pulled Festus out right away. However, it was Festus who got control out there with punches. Back in the ring, Festus stomped on the champion, before ripping at Taker's face. Festus hit an uppercut on Taker, sending Taker outside. However, Undertaker reversed a whip and sent Festus into the steel steps. The Phenom set Festus up on the edge of the ring and hit his usual offence there. Festus recovers quickly as Taker comes back in and they exchange mounted shots. The pair then slug it out, with Festus getting the better of it, although Undertaker runs off the ropes with the DDT for a 2 count. In the corner, Taker hit the soup bowls, before both men exchanged headbutts. They slugged it out again, with Festus seemingly getting the better of it. However, Taker fired back before hitting a clothesline. Festus was whipped into the corners, but Festus blocked the charge and hit the jumping shoulder block for a 2 count. Festus picked Taker up, but Taker slipped out and hit a chokeslam. Taker made the cover, but Festus put his foot on the bottom rope. Festus rolled outside where Jesse checked on him. Taker went out and brought him back in, only to run into a clothesline. Festus pounded on Taker. Taker narrowly avoided running into Charles Robinson, although he then side stepped Festus, who did run into him. Festus looked for advice, but he walked into the Gogoplata. The ref was out, so Jimmy Korderas ran down (although not quite as majestically as Robinson himself at Mania). JK called for the bell, as Jesse rushed in and covered Festus's prone body, as if Taker was going to do any more damage. ---------- 5.5/10 - I have to be honest, I was a little under whelmed by this match. It was decent, but I expected more of a story where Undertaker couldn't figure Festus out and really had to work to beat him, and while Festus got a fair amount of offence in, I can't say Taker had TOO much trouble with him. Nice finish, protecting Festus, though. I mean, a pinfall loss doesn't exactly bury the guy, but...well, I liked it. ---------- Taker got his belt and looked on as refs helped Festus out as the show ended. OVERALL - 6.5/10 (- 0.5 on last week) - I honestly don't know where to place this show. It was one of the wackiest shows I think I've ever seen WWE give us, post-Russo crappiness. Form live farming stock to the Whack-A-Mole hammer that they sold as a toy shillelagh, to Edge's toenails to Live Sex 2, it was just downright bizarre. That's not to say that none of it made sense. It did, to a large extent. Khali's an Indian. What he did seemed "Indian" to do. Why wouldn't the 2 biggest heels on the show take themselves off for a night's pampering? WWE is starting a fan-drive aimed at kids with a magazine and everything. Hell, most of the crowd shots during the Finlay/Horny segment focused on kids in the audience. It was just, let's say, outside the box, at times. Very watchable show though, even if it is to laugh at the bizarreness of it all. Aaron Wood is a working stiff who, until just now, hadn't watched any WWE shows yet. He also thought he was getting the day off on Monday, but it turns out that it's the next again Monday. That means he can't watch Lockdown. That is probably for the best. Christ, you know I wasn't bloody wrong about them loving handcuffs... When he's bored, and he gets bored easily, you can normally find him on the WWI Forums or playing "Wrestler" on Facebook with many of his WWI friends. Or he'll be playing one of his many PS3 games, which include Burnout Paradise, Unreal Tournament 3, Uncharted and the new Gran Turismo 5: Prologue. You can find him with the username "aaron24wood", if you want to so battle with him. Aaron's mood today was...a mixture of thoughtful and stir-crazy.
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