Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Kane Has A Lot Of Swagger About Him...
By Aaron Wood
Jul 16, 2010 - 6:20 PM

Hey everyone. Hope you are all well. Hopefully, thanks to last week's enticements, you caught The Green Room With Paul Provenza last night. Here's hoping, for me, that it pops up online. As it goes, Mr. Provenza was awesome enough to send me a note thanking me, and I can only return that by noting that first of all, if you don't mind comedy of the crudest, rudest kind possible, with foul language and images that will PERMANENTLY warp you for the rest of your life, then you MUST pick up his 2005 film documentary "The Aristocrats", about the fabled "comedians" joke, which you can pick up on Amazon RIGHT HERE .

Or, for something more up to date, Mr. Provenza also has a book newly out, of which my copy will be with me in a day or two, called "Satiristas: Comedians, Contrarians, Raconteurs & Vulgarians", which has only recently been released, which again, you can by at Amazon RIGHT HERE .

I was going to have clips from "The Aristocrats" in the review this week, but then again, I don't want JG to go ballistic at me, especially when he thought last week's review title was the best I'd ever had. So yeah, just some new music videos since I haven't had any for a few weeks...

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Serena must've been drunk again since she thought it was still June, Punk showed he's a better man than Teddy Long ever will be, Mirror Mirror On the Titan Tron...Cody Rhodes was fairest of all and Drew made a hero's return...

Last week, Big Show promised to make Jack Swagger suffer, only to get somewhat taken out himself, only for Swagger to be then accosted by Kane, who called him out for the Undertaker attack, only to then allow Swagger a whole week to come up with an alibi for the day in question.

THIS WEEK…
Kofi Kingston & Cody Rhodes wrestled to a No Contest in a "Well, isn't that just annoying... They sent Kane out early..." match when Kane Interfered
After the usual introductions setting up the rest of the night, we kick into Kofi's entrance with a replay of his beating at the hands of Nexus on NXT. And then it was Cody's awesome entrance. A side headlock takeover by Kofi was countered by Cody with a headscissors, which Kofi flipped out of. Cody was bounced off the ropes that Kofi leapfrogged, but Cody faked Kingston out on the second leapfrog that Kofi is often want to do, and rolled him up for a 1 count.

Cody worked Kofi over in the corner, giving the cameraman a VERY close up view of it, but Kofi came back and in the opposite corner hit his leaping punches. However, Cody dodged a charge before dropping Kofi on the top rope before punting him to the floor. Cody had Kofi in an abdominal stretch as we returned from break. Kofi got out, but was hit with a side Russian leg sweep and a knee drop for a 2 count. The Dashing one put the Ab stretch on again. Kofi tried to escape with a hiptoss, but Cody reversed and hit one of his own. However, as he came back in, Kingston hit a kip up headscissors before back elbowing a charge.

Kofi began to build momentum, before hitting a double-leg takedown. Rhodes blocked a charge and hit a bulldog for a 2 count. Kofi countered a corner charge with the pendulum kick before heading up top, although Rhodes cut him off. Kingston fought back and blocked the superplex attempt before knocking Cody down. He hit a crossbody off the top, but then, before he could recover, Kane made his entrance. He got in the ring and the ref called it.

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7/10 - They had a pretty good match going on until Kane came out, in a move that really annoys me. If you're going to do a match where the finish is that someone ruins it like Kane did, make it short. Don't waste ten minutes of TV on something that you aren't going to see to the end.
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The Big Red Detective chokeslammed Kofi and then Cody before grabbing a mic. He said he had breaking news. There would be a bludgeoning tonight as Swagger was a liar. He said Swagger would pay for his sins and enjoy extracting his vengeance. Kane shot off his pyro.


Two Door Cinema Club - "Come Back Home"

Such a little tease is Rey. I mean literally. He's small.
After the break, we saw a replay of the goings on between Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger, namely Swaggie's attempts to seemingly tear the foot off the leg.

We cut backstage to see the doctor talking to Rey about the great big brace that was currently on his ankle. Josh Matthews walked in and asked how he was feeling. Rey said he was in a lot of pain, especially when he stands up. Rey then said he wasn't going to be able to defend the title on Sunday and give up the title tonight.

Hey Josh...GOTCHA! No, Rey wasn't really going to do that. Rey said he would be there on Sunday, all braced up and everything. And indeed, it would give him the confidence to keep living the dream. He then said some Spanish stuff before saying that last week, Swagger showed he was desperate, and in terms of attacking Taker, karma worked in a mysterious way.

Meanwhile...

We cut backstage to the aforementioned Swagger who was watching the TV while on the phone to someone, telling the person Rey was just as delusional as Kane. Swagger wondered when his phone buddy would be here. They talked abou the traffic. Swagger said he wanted the Kane thing behind them tonight before "they" headed to the PPV to win the title.

We saw the same replay of Edge's cashing in of Money In The Bank that we saw on RAW. I know it's somewhat "wrong" of me to say, it's weird seeing Lita and hearing THE COACH~! and Joey Styles on commentary.

Drew McIntyre def. Christian in a "And this is why Christian wanted to be like Drew a couple of weeks ago..." match
The Chosen One came out first, staring mostly at the blue MITB case, followed by Christian, who chose to stare at the case after the bell was called for, so naturally, Drew took the upperhand early. Christian tried to outfox McIntyre on the apron, and while Drew grabbed him, Christian managed to hit the pendulum kick to Drew, knocking him off the apron to the floor, before jumping off the rope rope and down onto the Scotsman. Christian did his choking thing in the ropes, but when he jumped out onto the apron, Drew turned him round and snapped the back of Christian's neck on the top rope. Drew pounded on Christian in the corner. McIntyre then locked on an arm and chinlock, but Christian fought back before blocking a corner charge. Triple C looked for a tornado DDT out of the corner, but Drew shoved him to the outside as we took a break.

McIntyre made a pin for 2 as we came back. Back to the arm lock for Drew. Christian fought back, but was dumped in the corner. Christian fought back and hit the tornado DDT he looked for earlier, picking up a fairly close 2 count. Captain Charisma looked to the audience as he built momentum, but Drew caught a crossbody. However, Christian slipped behind and hit the inverted DDT for another 2 count. Missile dropkick picked up another 2 for the Canuck. Christian caught Drew with a drop toe hold, but the European uppercut from the second rope was met with a big boot for a 2 count.

Drew grabbed the legs and catapulted Christian into the corner. Christian looked for his sunset flip, but Drew cut him off. Drew looked for a German suplex from the second rope, but Christian elbowed him down and got the sunset flip for the 2 count. McIntyre snapped Christian's neck off his knee for a close 2 count. McIntyre has his Futureshock blocked, and this time, Christian hit the Euro uppercut. The Killswitch was called for, but Drew countered that. Futureshock was countered again. Christian got him in position for the Killswitch, , but Drew hooked a leg in the ropes, forcing the ref to call for the break. As the ref brought Christian back, Drew hit a thumb to the eye, leaving Christian as easy picking for the Futureshock and the three count.

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7.5/10 - A good, pretty long match here. Ultimately, only filled time and helped promote the MITB match a bit, but ti certainly didn't suck.
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Drew pointed at the MITB case as he left.

Alberto Del Rio promo. Same one that debuted last week regarding his intelligence.


Funeral Party - "New York Moves To The Sound Of LA"

Replay of one of CM Punk's MITB wins and subsequent title victories.

Hello, Mr. Drain. Can I pour some money down you?
And as if by magic, we joined the whole SES in the ring, including Joey Mercury. Punk said we all knew he was a superior athlete winning back to back MITB matches at Wrestlemania as well as a superior society. While everyone else lived in a society with cracks in it, people accuse them of being divided, but they were there united and stronger than ever.

Big Show came out carrying a couple of ladders. One normal. One "Hornswaggle-sized". Punk was awesome in registering his displeasure at the interruption. Show set up the big ladder. Show said that he could have sworn the SES were trying to put everyone to sleep. I mean, Punk's finisher was the Go To Sleep, but his talking put everyone to sleep. They were a cure for insomnia. But Big Show was here because of Money In The Bank and entertain. They could talk about how dull the SES are or the first MITB match with a walking, talking fire-breathing giant.

Punk said he agreed, since he enjoys a car crash. He wants to see Big Show climb up top and do a 450. Although by "450", Punk meant Show's 450 falling down and through the ring to the centre of the earth. *rimshot*

Punk got the SES out the ring and asked Show to entertain them. Show said we knew the MITB match was dangerous, mainly because if he falls off the ladder and lands on someone, well, they're done. He looked at the ladder he set up, teasing he'd climb it. He put a foot on the wrung and broke it! But hey, he was a 7 foot tall guy. Maybe he doesn't need a big ladder? Hence the midget ladder. it should be noted that Punk could be heard making comment during this, since he still had his mic. INCREDIBLY hilarious. Big Show decided that Hornswaggle's ladder wasn't going to work. He broke everything because he's so big.

But he searched the US of A and spared no expense, and he had a treat for us. So fewer than six men carried out a HUGE ladder. And by huge, I mean pretty much the double-wide of ladder. It was pretty much fatter than me! Show said it weighed over 350lbs and could take 2000lbs of a weight limit. It is a pretty neat ladder.

Punk said if Show & tell was over, he was reminded of King Kong atop the Empire State Building. But King Kong fell off, and it weren't for Kane injuring him, he wouldn't be in a sling, and he would be the one climbing the ladder like he had twice before and winning. As Show was looking at Punk, he didn't see Gallows & Mercury leave Punk's side and run round the sides to attack Big Show from behind. Gallows swung the small ladder into the side of Show's head. Punk climbed up the top of the ladder and proclaimed his motto. However, Big Show was up again. Gallows got dumped out the ring. Mercury climbed up and dove off onto Big Show, but was caught and dumped onto Gallows.

Punk had nowhere to go at this point. Big Show started climbing up as Punk tried to climb down, hindered by his injured arm. Big Show grabbed him, and eyeing the opportunity, pulled the mask clean off Punk's head, revealing Punk's bald head for all to see. Big Show then put Punk's mask on the top of his head, and so with it any chance of making any money off of the reveal, be it a mask vs. mask match or mask vs. title or anything where he could put the mask on the line. Gone forever. I mean, if this were TNA, it would only a MOR level of stupidity, but for WWE, pretty f**kin' stupid.

Back to Swagger and his phone call. His guest should have been at the building, but the driver was lost. He must, seriously, have had the same taxi driver as the one that picked me up from JFK airport in November last year to take me to my hotel. He was as usual as herpes himself.

Kelly Kelly & Chris Masters def. Layla & Trent Baretta in a "Well, in theory the guys were part of the match..." match
We cut to the ring with Layla in it already, without Michelle, but with both Dudebusters. We saw a recap of last week's LayCool attack on Kelly Kelly, which led to Kelly coming out with her Blondtourage (nothing wrong with it, MJ...) pal and Chris Masters. the girls started off, and indeed, Kelly got a couple of slaps in before ramming her head in the corner. The handspring back elbow was cut off by Layla who picked up a 2 count. Layla hit a backbreaker on the knee before stretching Kelly out.

Rosa Mendes came out, doing rope skipping towards the ring. This distracted not so much Layla as it did Croft & Baretta as they offered to twirl the rope for them. Presumably jealous, Masters came over and beat up his male opponents. Meanwhile this distracted Layla, allowing Kelly to hit the K2 for the win.

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5/10 - Mildly inventive idea to have a singles match but without actually delivering a singles match, and fairly inventive finish with Rosa..
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Rosa looked upset that she cost Layla the match. And if looks could kill, Layla would be in jail right now. That said, Rosa left the same way she came in. Jumping rope. Seriously.


Vampire Weekend - "Holiday"

We came back to PPV lineup talk.

The fatter, but less drugged up Hardy brother came out first, with a mic in his hand. He wanted to tell the truth about himself. And that was he was as comfortable on top of a ladder as he was standing upright. And on Sunday, regardless of who the champion is, he'd be cashing in the briefcase ON SUNDAY. Yeah, like Fatt Lardy is winning...

Back from break, the new Alberto Del Rio promo for the week. This time, our subject was bravery and passion and how when you had them, you reaped the benefits.

Dolph Ziggler beat Matt Hardy in a "Yeah, this is one of those times where I've got nothing..." match
Back to Hardy in the ring as he awaited Dolph Ziggler, who came out with Vickie Guerrero. Ziggler went for the amateur work early, but Hardy managed to avoid being controlled and knocked Ziggler down, before putting on a side headlock. Off a shoulder tackle, Hardy picked up a 2 count. Dolph Ziggler came back with shots, but was whipped across the corners. Hardy's charge was blocked and Ziggler came off the top, but his double sledge attempt was countered with a gut shot and a clothesline over the top to the floor. Hardy set Dolph up on the apron, but Mr. Ziggles kicked Matt off and into the uardrail as we took a break.

Dolph was in control upon return, as he hit his elbow drops for a 2 count. Hardy looked for a sunset flip, but Dolph fell forward to grab a to break it up. Dolph got up and got the drop on Hardy. Rolling necksnap picked up a 2 count for Dolph. Dolph continued to focus on the beck as he walked over it. Hardy came back with a couple of clotheslines and a flapjack for a 2 count. Hardy came off the middle rope with the back elbow for another deuce. Side Effect was blocked with elbows, but, quite awesomely, Hardy turned a Ziggler attempt at a Fameasser into a powerbomb for 2. Hardy went up, but missed the moonsault. Ziggler rolled Matt up for 2.

Hardy hit the Side Effect for a 2 count when Dolph grabbed the rope. Ziggler looked for the sleeper, but Hardy dropped him in the corner. Vickie climbed up to the apron. As Hardy looked for the Twist Of Fate, Ziggler shoved him towards Vickie. As Matt stopped himself, he was left open for the ZigZag for the win.

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7/10 - Perfectly acceptable TV match. Much like the Drew/Christian match earlier. Just not quite as good.
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Vickie and Dolph celebrated in the ring, and motioned towards the case.

The announcers took it back to the opening match as Kane ruined the Kingston/Rhodes match, with Kane saying that Swagger would pay for his sins. We cut to a limo showing up backstage, which Swagger greeted. Out stepped what clearly had to be Daddy Swagger, who has pictures with him. Swagger Jr. told a lackey to give them to the production truck.


One Night Only - "Say You Don't Want It"

You wait a week for an alibi, and then you don't believe him? C'mon Kane... You're better than this...
The Swagger family came out to the ring. Jack said it would be an understatement that he lived a fortunate life, and it's easy to lose sight of friends and family when your being put on top of the world. And when you're being attacked by Kane, it's easy to lose sight of what's important, namely winning back the title. So tonight, he was clearing the good name of Swagger. That Memorial Day, he found time to spend it to spend it with the one man who made him who he is. Daddy! And they did what they do best. Win and look good. Cue the pictures!

Exhibit A: Pictures of the pair of the training in the morning.
Exhibit B: Winning a Father/Son fishing contest with a big fish.
Exhibit C: In the middle of taking part in a chicken wing eating contest. They broke last year's record.

Unfortunately for the Family Swagger, Kane no likely very much. He came out and said if it was the smug look on Jack's face or his inner-loathing, but he didn't believe him. Swagger proffered more evidence of the pair running a 5K. Kane grabbed Swagger for a chokeslam. However, as Daddy pleaded, Swagger got the jump on Kane and locked on the ankle lock. However, as Daddy shouted encouragement, and as Swagger just so happened to be up against the ropes, who should run in, but Rey Mysterio, who hit Swagger with a 619 to break the hold. As he limped back up the aisle, Kane got back up and grabbed the pair of Swaggers. Jack managed to escape. Daddy Swagger however wasn't so lucky.

In a nice touch, Swagger turned his back on watching his "father" get chokeslammed. Jack flipped out at ringside afterwards. We went to get back in, but knowing it would probably be a losing fight, he decided against it. So Kane, possibly bored at this point, picked up Mr. Swagger and as Swagger backed up the ramp, relatively helpless, Kane hit the Tombstone before shooting his pyro a second time. Swagger walked to the back as Kane stood over Jack's pops as the show ended.

OVERALL - I feel as if I want to hate this show more than I think I do, if that makes any sense. They started off by annoying me with the long match that was ruined. Then the payoff of the Big Show/Punk segment really annoyed me. And then, the end rather annoyed me because Kane let Swagger come up with his alibi, said he didn't believe him in the end, and then it ended on a note where Striker suggested that Swagger was innocent and Kane would have to move onto the next suspect, even though Kane surely still thinks it was Swagger. I mean, I watched and wondered what it accomplished.

Here's the thing though, there was good on this show. All the matches, even the women's match, had something about it that made them watchable. The segment with Big Show and Punk worked on a number of levels as well. Punk was awesome, and they seemed to have shown that the teased SES split was done. Big Show was really good in the segment. The establishment of the "super-strength" ladder was a good idea, because never mind the fact it let's us know Big Show can do some climbing and tease ladder spots with him, but with the security and surely solid foundation of the new ladder, we may get some good stuff out of the lighter folks, where they don't have to worry so much about teetering on top and have the ladder go in a way they don't want them to. Everything about it was great, EXCEPT FOR THE DAMNED PAYOFF. If Punk had escaped, then this would have been a great segment, but because they took the mask off and exposed him, it was a bunch of bullcrap. I mean, I'm nothing if not fair, despite what some may wish to believe in the hope that what I say often about TNA isn't right on, and I complain about TNA giving stuff away for free when there was a chance of making some coin off of it, and this is one of those cases. As I said, when Punk got healthy again, you had a nice setup for a match with Rey that's either mask vs. mask or mask vs. title. That could be a draw, especially the latter if WWE's opinion is that they can't put Rey in a mask match since no-one would believe he'd lose. But no, they blew it.

Even with decent matches, this was the worst show in a while, I have to say.