Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: The 619 vs. The 1292
By Aaron Wood
Aug 6, 2010 - 5:22 PM

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Vickie ended up JAMAICAN KOFI CRAZY!, Cody Rhodes talked about facials, Striker wanted to be Grisham's "Life Partner" and Rey & Swagger got oiled up.

THIS WEEK…
J'Accuse! Again! (Part 1)
Rather surprisingly, since two guys ended up in the Gulf Of Mexico last week and since Kane accused Rey Mysterio of attacking Undertaker, there is no replays from last week as we head right into the credits and then directly into Mysterio's entrance. While Rey didn't get Kane's background music, they did post-produce his speech with footage cut-ins at the appropriate places. Limpy McGee said that last week his lungs filled with water (and assumedly oil), and he went down about 10/15 feet. He started freaking out as he couldn't breathe and his life flashed before his eyes. Assumedly, there was a LOT of Eddie Guerrero flashes. But what he also saw was the face of his accuser, Kane, as Big Red walked away. And while he'd had a lot of things happen to him, he's never been falsely accused.

He's always been honest with us, denying he attacked Undertaker. And in his opinion, Kane has always been a bit "loco". And now he wants to put Rey in a casket? Rey Rey no likey the caskets. They are a symbol of loss and made for the dead, and when he meets his maker, it won't be Kane who is the judge. The big G-O-D. Rey said he knew exactly who attacked the Undertaker and it was...

Drew McIntyre's music! Oh no, that's what played. And indeed, our national hero came out. He said the Scottish have names for people like Rey. Those who wear masks and lurk in the shadows trying to gain the trust of the masses. And no, he didn't say we called them Glaswegians or the Scottish National Party. Nothing so esoteric. No, Drew's word was "criminals". Rey has pulled the wool over the fans eyes for over a decade. But now, at Taker's expense, the truth is out. HOW COULD YOU?!?!? Drew asked if a hero would do nothing while CM Punk was falsely accused and injured in the process? Would a hero stand idly by while Jack Swagger was falsely accused and do nothing while he had to watch his 64-year-old Bunkhousing father get hospitalised in front of him? Rey claimed on both questions it wasn't his business. But indeed, Drew actually admired what Rey did and wishes he took Taker out himself. But there ws a difference. Drew would have done it alone. Rey needed help. MUST HAVE! Someone like Rey taking out someone like Taker? Pfft... However, McIntyre could. Drew destroyed Christian to the point last week that the doctor's say he won't be the same again.

And after that match, drew had an idea. Do the exact same thing to Rey tonight. Drew's had a word with Teddy already and all it needs is Rey's agreement. Come on, Rey! What kind of man you are! Drew got right in Rey's face trying to provoke Rey. Rey didn't snap, but did tell Drew off for disrespect for accepting the match for later tonight. Rey shoved the mic into Drew's chest before walking out.


Marina & The Diamonds - "Oh No!"

"Dashing" Cody Rhodes def. Matt Hardy in a "Seriously , Matt! Put the top back on!" match
Matt came out first, and stood on the ropes yelling "Version One", before actually realising he was throwing up the wrong hand gesture. Matt Striker then rocked out to Cody's theme as Rhodes checked himself out in his digi-mirror. And then, the worst thing possible right now happened. Matt Hardy took off his vest top and exposed his , well, not so much "six-pack" as "beer barrel".

Matt took control early, and looked for the Twists Of Fate, but Cody slipped out before Matt could try it as we took a break. We came back as Matt tripped Cody and hit Jeff's double leg drop between Cody's legs. Matt blocked a corner charge, but Cody moved before hitting the "Beautiful Disaster" (that it to say Cody's version of the Flying Chuck) for a 2 count before he locked on something of a crossface. Hardy got out and scored with a sunset flip for a 2 count. Hardy then scored a cradle for another 2 count. However, Cody hit a knee shot and a Gordbuster for a 2 count before going back to the quasi-crossface.

Hardy got up but was pulled down by the hair. In the corner, Cody put in some punches before following with a bodyslam. He looked at himself on the TitanTron before picking up a 2 count. Another quick crossface attempt saw Matt up quick before he blocked a charge and hit a neckbreaker. Matt began building momentum, hitting the Side Effect for a 2 count. He again looked to finish, but the Twist was countered with a schoolboy for 2. Cody missed a knee drop and Matt hit a corner clothesline. Cody blocked the bulldog however. Matt put Cody up, but as he climbed up himself, Cody slipped under and looked for the Alabama Slam. While Hardy blocked it, Cody dropped Matt on the turnbuckle before hitting CrossRhodes for the three.

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6.5/10 - Not a great match by any means, but a solid win for Cody. Crowd was oddly silent for Matt here. Sure, they were pretty quiet for anything not related to Rey all night, but even usually Hardy gets a reaction on quiet nights.
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They sent it to the trailer for the next John Cena movie. Where are the bad guys kidnapping Cena's woman? Isn't that how these things go? It'll be interesting to see how this one goes, since it's, to my mind, WWE's first attempt at a drama.

Striker hyped up Jet, since they're using one of their old songs for Summerslam. At least "Shaka Rock", the current album, got a shout out.

Over to Alberto Del Rio. This was the one about Ambition and how we were all "Mentally constipated", unlike him who does everything he wants to.


Sub Focus Feat. Coco Sumner - "Splash"

Backstage, we hit up Teddy Long and Rosa Mendes. However, LayCool quickly entered and bump Rosa, presumably so she can see a doctor about the skin cancer she's surely going to get given how orange she was looking. Anyway, LayCool were all verklempt about Long's ruling last week of only one Women's title on Smackdown. After a short argument, Michelle turned over her title They had proceeded to have a rather cod-argument about who should be champion when Michelle started tugging at Layla's belt.

And then the penny dropped. Why Layla seemed to be gripping her so hard with both arms over the face plate. Why Layla's title looked so much shinier than Michelle's did, to the point it looked "plasticy". For when Michelle tugged at it, it broke in half, with a comedy zig zag break right in the middle. The girls then pointed out how there was still just one Women's Title, and it was "flawless". Teddy's face was "Da f**k???" before resignation than his scheme to tank his roster's morale had backfired on him.

Dolph Ziggler def. Kofi Kingston in a "Wait, what? Ziggler did it on his first try this time???" match to win the Intercontinental Title
Ziggler & Vickie came out before the break, leading to a replay of Kofi going buck on Dolph last week as we came back. Kingston in control early, literally kicking Ziggler from the ring. It was then Ziggler turn to toss Kofi from the ring, but Kingston got right back in and launched himself at Ziggler, exploding on Dolph again, albeit legally this time. Back in however, and Dolph took control. Kofi fought out of a chinlock, but was rammed back down by his hair. Kingston came back with punches and a dropkick before he clotheslined Ziggler out, following with a Suicide Dive.

We returned from break, and Ziggler was now in control, as we saw the dive out again, before seeing Ziggler avoided a corner charge, with Kofi's shoulder hitting the ringpost, now seemingly Dolph's plan of attack. Rolling necksnap picked up a pair of 2 counts. Mr. Ziggles hit a whole bunch of elbow drops before finally finishing off with his big leaping one. Dolph stretched the shoulder out over his knee. Kingston came back with his good arm, but Ziggler got a boot up in the corner before hitting something of a stunner on the injured shoulder.

Dolph had Kofi down, when, apropos of nothing, Dolph and Vickie started making eyes at each other. This unneccessary distraction led to Kofi popping up with Trouble In Paradise. Vickie got in the ring and started yelling with the ref for reasons known only to herself. While Kofi was distracted with this, Ziggler popped up again and hit the ZigZag to take the title.

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7/10 - Wow. That was a pretty dumb ass-backwards finish. I mean, you have the guy down and somewhat out, you purposely distract yourself, screw up, and then require a bizarre rant by Vickie to the referee to regain the situation. I mean, it's as if they wanted to give the impression Kofi was screwed out the title, when he wasn't in a winning position to start with. And in any case, given how Kofi came back at Dolph (read on) I don't think a screwing was required.
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They gave Ziggler a long and joyous celebration. However, Kofi attacked Ziggler again much like last week. He tossed Dolph out the ring hard and then punted Ziggler in the ribs. Kingston bodyslammed Ziggler onto the table which eventually broke. Kingston then went tot he steel steps and rammed Ziggler's head into the side of the steps a few times before tossing Dolph into them.


Cee Lo Green - "No One's Gonna Love You"

After the break, and replays of what just happened, the whole SES came out to the ring. Despite taking it off last week, Punk's arm was back in the sling, but he was dressed in his ring attire. They confirmed the three-on-one match against Big Show at the PPV. Yay! A new match! Punk took the mic and said he had accomplished many great things in his life and career. Things the people couldn't attain. Sobriety for instance. Or becoming the first and only 3-time Straight Edge champion. Winning back-to-back MITB matches at Wrestlemania. The closest the people come to that is buying their ticket to see him. But a real proud moment came last week as they took out Big Show. So hey, let's enjoy it again by rolling the tape!

Punk paused the tape to note he knows Show has 2 severed tendons in his hand, doesn't know if he'll make Summerslam but knows Show will never sign another autograph again. Punk rolled the tape again to see Serena stomp away when Joey Mercury got on the mic to call for a pause so he could enjoy Big Show's face. As Luke and Serena laughed and smiled, Punk took the mic back and asked each of them if they were happy. They all answered yes.

And then Punk's mood changed. Because he didn't remember giving them permission to be happy!!! He made them get on their knees. What he said last week stood today, tomorrow and forever. Their happiness is weakness. When they're happy, they let Punk down. And when they do that, they slip, and when they do that, they may as well fall off the wagon and like the rest of the people! He would not tolerate their slipping because if they did, they could bag their bags. Fill them full of booze for all Punk card. He yelled at the to be better than everyone and they would be better and they'd be happy when Punk said so. Satisfaction is the death of desire.

And as Joey Mercury's big, round, bald head nodded sadly like a chastised child, I realised that without the hair, the f**ker looks exactly like Eric Young. This made me sad...

The Straight Edge Society def. MVP, Chris Masters & JTG in a "Boy, did they run out of quality babyfaces fast..." match
None of the babyfaces got an entrance, although MVP#s music was playing when we came back from break. JTG & Gallows started although MVP was able to tag in. Gallows blocked a corner charge and hit a big clothesline. Mercury came in off the tag as Striker tried to equate the SES to the Freebirds and who was whom. Gallows back in with a splash for a 2 count. MVP broke free of a chinlock, but Gallows stayed in control before Mercury tagged in again for a neckbreaker that picked up a 2 count.

Gallows came back in to beat MVP down some more. However, he missed an elbow drop. As MVP reached for a tag, Gallows knocked down Masters & JTG. MVP took this distraction and hit the facebuster off the knee. However, as he came off the ropes for the BALLIN'! elbow drop, Punk kicked him in the back of the head, allowing Luke to hit a big boot for the win.

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6/10 - Purely a solid win for the SES, which they need at this stage, if to establish Mercury being back if nothing else.
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After the match, Punk took his sling off to get his hand raised, before he hugged his disciples.

Cody Rhodes' grooming tip for the week was about eye brows and how we should "browscape".

The RAW Rebound was of Team WWE's continued implosion. Which led to a recap of the current card.

We went backstage to see Kane in the back with a coffin, his background music and red lighting. And even some candles, just to set the mood. He told Rey he could smell his fear and it was turning his stomach. the guilt was all over his eyes when he chokeslammed him. The casket would be Rey's final resting place and his vengeance would lead to Rey being stuffed inside and the darkness consumed Rey forever.


Biffy Clyro - "God & Satan"

Rey Mysterio def. Drew McIntyre in a "J'Accuse! Again! (Part 2)" match
The bigger McIntyre overpowered Mysterio early, but Rey came back with a game of cat and mouse. This led to a spot where the crowd FINALLY woke up from their show-long nap to start doing some bullfighting chants, which probably won't go over well when this show airs in Barcelona. Hey, I got a taste for the topical news last week with the BP thing, alright! However, Drew got bored and laid into Rey some more. Rey managed to drop Drew for a 619, and while McIntyre slid out (and Striker wondered what the area code for the WHOLE OF SCOTLAND is) Rey hit a pescado out onto him. However, back in the ring, Drew scored with a clothesline for a 2 count to retake control. McIntyre with a short clothesline. However, Rey came back with a headscissors and then a low bridge that sent Drew out. He then ran along the apron and hit a headscissors to send McIntyre into the guardrail as we took a break.

We came back to see Rey go for a hurricanrana, but powerbombed Rey into the corner. Drew stretched Rey out around the ring post. Drew then dumped Rey onto the announce desk. And when I say "dumped", I mean it. Dropped him like he was a sack of Idahos. Back in the ring, Drew applied a seated Abdominal Stretch, which rallied the crowd for Rey. However, the wheelbarrow bulldog was countered with a face-first slam for a deuce. Drew put Rey up for a Fireman's Carry and hit a gutbuster for another 2 count.

Back to the abdominal stretch, with a keylock mixed in for good measure. Rey kicked his way out and then scored with a tilt-a-whirl DDT. Rey springboarded in with a seated senton before a crossbody scored a 2 count of his own. Rey blocked a corner charge, but ran into a backbreaker for a 2 count to the Scotsman. Rey pulled himself up Drew, but was grabbed for the Futureshock. Rey got out and dropped him for the 619. Drew rolled out the way however. Rey vaulted onto Drew's shoulders, rolling over and pinning Drew for the three count!

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7.5/10 - Fine TV main event, even if it just served as a back drop for Rey's "reveal" afterwards.
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Rey got the mic and was about to make his reveal when Kane's music this time interrupted, bringing the casket with him. As Kane got to the ring, Drew knocked Mysterio down to serve to Kane on a platter. However, the thanks he got was a glaring from the ring. Rey managed to escape, albeit almost sliding right into the casket. He made it up the ramp, where he claimed that he didn't attack The Undertaker. It was Kane!

Kane's face kinda resembled this at first:


But it then turned to anger as he yelled "No!" over and over, before shouting that he loved his brother while dropping to his knees. He got back up, looking to the heavens, or possibly something interesting in the lighting rig, as the show ended.

OVERALL - Something of a rather bizarre show for me. I mean, unless plans have changed, and The Undertaker's attacker is no longer Kane, then to me it makes no sense to even tease that Kane attacked Taker, because when it comes to the later reveal that Kane did it, all the drama is sucked out of it because even if the more smarter of us are thinking it anyway, it's still a dramatic moment when it happens. It's as if 3/4 of the way through a crime drama, the prime suspect of that moment goes "It was Mr. x" and then 5 minutes later, it turns out that it was actually Mr. X. You kill any sort of suspense doing that. It doesn't even work as a swerve. Because the actual reveal is 99% likely to be at Summerslam when Undertaker returns, so even if Kane were to metaphorically kill Rey next week on the go-home show and claim he has his man and his peace and now just needs Taker to wake up, because Rey's accusation was still not long ago by that point, the suspense is still killed. Sure, if they dragged it out and had Kane destroy Rey, get rid of him for a while, only for Undertaker to come back even more months later and out of the blue say it was Kane would that scenario work, in my mind. But it's not going to be the scenario, so I'm just left utterly puzzled by them teasing it here.

Also, while they built the Summerslam matches they have, they didn't exactly build much more. One would assume there will be a Kofi & Ziggler rematch with a stipulation, but that can't be confirmed until next week, but there are literally no other programs going on that could lead to a match and the next show is the "Go Home" show. No McIntyre. No Christian. No Rhodes. No Swagger, as of yet. The ONE thing Smackdown desperately needs for October are babyfaces. I mean, outside of MVP, who is barely credible right now as it is, there is no-one of value for any of the stronger heels to face, and that's only going to be made worse when Del Rio finally debuts, which at this point I have to assume is the show after the PPV.

I mean, the matches were fine enough, and it put over the people who needed to get put over, so it did a number of things right, but overall, in terms of the big picture, it didn't entirely work.