Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls, The Bell Tolls For Hardy...
By Aaron Wood
Aug 28, 2009 - 6:57 PM

In case you missed it while I was twittering RAW this past Monday, tonight on Smackdown is PARTY NIGHT~!  A few reasons for this:
1 - Thanks to the one non-Blazing Saddles video last week, I've been listening to Andrew WK again this past week, and if there's one guy you wanna rock a party to, it's him.
2 - It being Jeff's last night.  And while I know I've been on a bit hard on Hardy recently, I mean this from a storyline point of view.  I fall on the Punk side of the fence, so I'm happy he's winning.
3 - Even though I said it'd be PARTY NIGHT~! on Monday, there's a debut on this show that would make be party anyway.
4 - Again, even though I said it was already, I've had a pretty f**king kickass day today, so I'd pretty much be in a party mood anyway!

Anyway, on with the show!

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN:  The Hardys rolled one more (last) time, Kane wanted to be on Mythbusters, if Bob barker wasn't on it then JR didn't know it and CM Punk said those words the world has been dying to hear...

THIS WEEK…
Question.  Who do you think is taking Jeff's spots in the opening credits once they are updated in the next week or so?

I thought Ultimate Warrior was Straight Edge too?  Oh no, wait...
Wrestlemania 26 has come early as JR introduced Smackdown from Phoenix, Arizona, as we saw the steel cage that was there for the steel cage match.  Justin Roberts introduced CM Punk by saying "the new, and ONLY, Straight Edge World Heavyweight Champion in history".  Punk pretty much limped his way out, grimacing on occasion.  He couldn't resist starting off my noting he told us so.  He said he'd beat Jeff at Summerslam and in case we were too wasted to remember, here was the video evidence...

Cue a recap video of Sunday great main event, including the Swanton to end all Swantons.  Awesome video by the production team.

Punk said he had never felt more alive as he did now and guessed no-one in the crwod could given how weak they were.  He felt all the pain of the weapons Jeff tried to use against him.  It was the most brutal match of his career.  But of course, he hadn't taken a single thing for it.  Unlike us, whenever we get a migraine, we reach for the double-strength pills.  If any of us felt like he does right now, we'd be hitting the morphine.  But the physical pain wasn't all that happened at Summerslam, because he was robbed of his moment, by evil incarnate himself, The Undertaker.

Cue video of Jeff's dead body being replaced by Undertaker's undead body on Sunday.  The rumour is Jeff is Undertaker, since the real Taker died after the biker gimmick and Jeff disguised himself as the mystical Taker upon return, with the help of some great make-up.  Personally, I think it wwas Kung-Fu Naki who took over the Taker role.  I mean, have you ever seen the two in the same room?

This, of course, drew cheers, but Punk wasn't pleased.  And hell, after all he'd bneen through, he was being forced to compete in a cage match.  So entirely unfair.  Hell, it bordered on conspiracy from the higher-ups because they feared him.  But he was a pioneer and was the role model everyone needed.  Because Straight Edge meant that he was better than all of us, better than Jeff Hardy and tonight, he'd prove it again.

This drew out Jeff, who was, naturally, also limping.  The crowd chanted for Hardy, but Punk patted his belt.  Jeff said Punk's reign would end tonight.  Punk, preaching like the three most important words in life were "just say no".  But tonight, there were three different ones, "Steel Cage Match".  Punk wondered how high Jeff must be to have requested a rematch.  Ya been taking pills?  Have ya, Jeff?  Dull the reality you live in?  Well, here's the reality.  Punk was sick of hearing the crowd boo him.  The young kids in the crwod cheering a guy like Hardy.  He was FED UP with them.  ONe of them didn't belong any more.  How's this for taking a risk?  The loser is booted from the WWE.  Let's explain since you're mind will be foggy from the dope.  If Punk lost, the people wouldn't have to listen to him tell the truth again.  But if you lose Jeffrey, it proves that Straight Edge was better than Hardy and it would force people to see the truth since their enabler wouldn't be there anymore.

Jeff hesitated for a second, before faking Punk out and shouting "YOU'RE ON!".  This drew out Teddy Long.  He said if they both wanted it, it was official.  The loser of the main event wouldn't be in the WWE any longer.  And the winner?  Well, it was almost the greater of 2 evils for them since Teddy said the champion would go on to Breaking Point in a Submission match against The Undertaker!

Taker advert.  Back to Smackdown next week folks.


Andrew WK - Party Hard

Some Arizona Cardinals in the crowd.  No Kurt Warner though.  He's in cryogenic stasis to protect him from breaking a hip or whatever the elderly are prone to, lest they're forced to play Matt Leinart.

John Morrison & Matt Hardy def. The Hart Dynasty in a "Can you spot who they think is the new Jeff?" match
Morrison and Hardy were out first, and hardy had already traded the garish purple for a more subdued blue.  Hardy & Kidd started off with Hardy getting the better of it, allowing him and Morrison to exchange quick tags and some double team moves.  Morrison his the break-dance leg drop for a quick 2 count.  Another double team saw Matt get a 2 count.  However, Natalya distracted Hardy enough to allow the Dynasty to take control.  THE REAL CANADIAN BULLDOG, David Hart Smith, put on a chinlock but Hardy fought out and reversed a neckbreaker into a reverse DDT.

Morrison took the tag and he went to work on Smith, with a dropkick and jumping heel kick.  He hit the standing Shooting Star Press, but Kidd broke up the pin.  Matt came in to tackle Kidd and he dumped the out the ring before Matt hit a clothesline from the apron.  In the ring, Morrison went for the Flying Chuck, but Smith caught him for the powerslam.  Morrison slipped out of that though and he hit his version of the "Pele" kick before hitting Starship Pain for the win.

----------
6.5/10 - Fine enough match, but it didn't really go for any real length of time.  Just as it looked to get going, there was the hot-tag and it was all over.
----------

The winning pair had a tongue-in-cheek pose-off, as JR said that Morrison reminded him of Shawn Michaels, while Todd wondered if Matt's win was an omen for Jeff later.

Wrestlemania 26 tomorrow on NBC, unless you're in a major market where chances are, you're getting something different.

So...is Ziggler boinking his sister???
We come back from break mid-conversation backstage between Melina & Maria as Melina said that he saw Dolph Ziggler with another woman backstage at Summerslam.  Maria was aghast.  Maria wondered if Melina was jealous of her.  Did Melina have a boyfriend who cared about her?  Melina said Maria had to ask that herself before walking off.  Ziggler sauntered up and Maria asked him about this other woman.  Ziggler fessed up.  There was another woman.  Maria knew her.  It was...Kristen, his sister...  How nice, she's met the family already.  Maria apologised and Ziggler gave her a kiss.

THEE~! DREW McINTYRE~! def. R-Truth in a "OK, I know there wasn't a match top speak of, but still, the man's a Scot.  We're all made of win." non-match
Quick note, he wasn't billed as "THEE~! Drew McIntyre".  It's a nickname that goes back to his UK Indy days as THEE Drew Galloway.  So indeed, Kendrick stole it.  But as it was, McIntyre has FINALLY made it back to WWE TV after spending a bunch of time in developmental where he's been tearing it up in recent months, and worked a bunch of house shows with Ricky Steamboat.  He didn't get much of an introduction, since he was already in the ring though.  So no idea if he's doing the "Aristocratic savage" gimmick.

Anyway, Truth came out to rap a bit.  However, as he climbed into the ring, McIntyre took a page out of Christian's book and booted Truth in the head mid-song.  He hit a Double Arm DDT, much akin to Kizarny's finisher of the same type, with a bodyscissors involved.  Anyway, he took the mic and said he was sorry to ruin the party.  He knew the people liked to be entertained with dancing and rapping to the ring.  But he was Drew McIntyre and the party was over.

Did someone say "Party???"


Divine Comedy - I've Been To A Marvellous Party

We came back from break to see the replay of McIntyre's ambush on R-Truth.

Melina def. Layla in a "First she stirs up crap between Ziggler & Maria and now she shoves over an injured woman.  Is Melina just made of bitch?" match
Michelle McCool was introduced, as we saw her at the announce desk on a pair of crutches.  She said she knew we paid to see her work tonight, but Melina cruelly attacked her last week and Melina had ruined everyone's night.  But hey, she could still introduce Melina's opponent.  a friend of hers...Layla.  I bet Melina just s**t herself.  Plus Michelle put all the excitement of introducing her friend as anyone who happens to meet Canadian Bulldog.  That is to say "not much".

The pair started things off by trading arm locks and kicks.  Melina followed up with a clothesline, but Layla took out the knee, before jumping off the bottom rope onto it.  Chop block to the leg scored a long 1 count.  However, out of nowhere, Melina grabbed Layla and hit the Primal Scream (with the bad leg) for the win.

----------
4/10 - Nothing much to this at all, really.  And while I can understand Melina looking out for her friend Maria and reporting a mysterious woman with Ziggler to her, shoving over someone on crutches, be they really injured or not, is a rather douchey thing to do...
----------

Melina hobbled back up to her feet before jumping outside and shoving a barely standing Michelle back into and over her chair.

WCW DVD advert.  Not only can't I believe that Goldberg did an interview for the thing, but they also showed Russo and Tank Abott and then Judy Bagwell in the commercial.  That said, Jericho's soundbite of Russo, Bischoff & Nash being the "Three Stooges of wrestling" makes for a fantastic mental picture...

Thanks Aerosmith and hey' there's the front page of WWE.com.  No drug suspensions in the headlines though.  Speaking of drug suspensions...

Rey Mysterio def. Kane by DQ in a "Thank God this wasn't next week or Kane would be IC Champion right now" match
The soon-to-be suspended Rey Rey came out first as the announcers put over his match with Ziggler on Sunday, before hyping a rematch at Breaking Point.  Me thinks not...

After the break, Rey awaited his big red opponent, Kane.  Kane went for Rey right at the bell, taking control, hitting a slam and elbow drop for a 2 count.  Rey took a pounding in the corner, but he came back with a few shots, although he ended up running into a clothesline for a 2 count.  Side slam by Kane scored another 2 count before he locked Mysterio in a bearhug on the mat with a hint of bodyscissors.  Rey elbowed out of it though and backed into the corner.  Kane snapmared Rey over and hit a low dropkick for another 2 count.

Mysterio blocked a corner charge and hit a hurricanrana into the corner.  He hit the springboard seated senton and a tilt-a-whirl reverse DDT for a 2 count.  Rey went up, but he came down into an uppercut for a 2 count.  Rey countered a powerslam and looked for a DDT, but Kane countered that too.  He then set Kane up for the 619, but it was blocked with a chokeslam attempt.  Rey got out of it and set Kane again, but this time Kane ducked to the outside.  Rey went for a seated senton to the floor but Kane moved and then hit a big boot.  Kane ran Rey gut first into the ringpost.  The ref told him not to do it again, but Kane decided to try and call Mike Chioda's bluff by doing it again.  However Mikey wasn't bluffing and so DQ'ed Kane.

----------
6/10 - Again, this was OK, but nothing much to it.  Ziggler got some good heat though in the bit you're about to read about.
----------

As Kane was about to inflict damage on Rey, Khali made his way out with Runjin Singh.  The pair had a fist fight, but as Khali went for the Punjabi Plunge, Kane jumped over the top rope down to the floor.  However, on the outside, Runjin was waiting with a Singapore Cane.  This, of course, more annoyed Kane than anything else and so he choked Singh, but this allowed Khali to get the stick and make like it was Whacking Day, caning Kane all the way to the back, breaking the thing.

However, once the Indian/Mentalist element was safely backstage, we saw Rey trying to recover as Dolph appeared to hit the Blonde Ambition, before trash Talking Rey saying he'd be champion, to big boos form the crowd.

Do you enjoy ordering PPV events after they've actually taken place?  Well, here this video is ready to tell you why you made a whoopsie on Sunday and forgot to order Summerslam while it was still relevant.


DMX - Party Up

Chris Jericho & Shad wrestled to a No Contest in a "What's the betting this turns into a Tag Team match" match
Jericho & Show made their way out, and while the entrance theme is really starting to grow on me, I now can't help but think what a combined version of Jericho & Edge's theme would have been like...  We went back to highlights of RAW as Floyd Mayweather helped MVP & mark Henry get a title shot against the champions at Breaking Point.  Jericho got on the mic to say that we were looking at the most powerful team in sports today and while great teams don't always win, they win when they have to, so while Money Mayweather helped MVP & Mark Henry win on RAW, they won't win at Breaking Point.  He said that he and Big Show were men of honour, principle, honesty and they were champions.

Shad went to work early, showing some good aggression out of the gate.  Jericho was whipped hard into the corner and hit with a jumping back elbow.  Shad then hit a knee lift and a gorilla press slam.  Shad then caught Jericho's crossbody and he hit a powerslam for a 2 count, but Big Show pulled Jericho out of the ring.  Cryme Tyme conspired to attack Big Show, bringing on a four way melee.  Teddy Long came out and made it a tag team match.  To be honest, you'd think they'd have just started that way...

Chris Jericho & Big Show def. Cryme Tyme in a "Called it..." non-title match
We rejoined things after the break with JTG hitting a backbreaker on Jericho for a 2 count.  However, Jericho low-bridged JTG out of the ring, allowing Big Show to attack while Jericho had the ref looking the other way.  Show then tagged in and began working over the left knee while Jericho yelled at the announcers about how big Show was.

Jericho tagged back in. and he locked on a chinlock that JTG got out of quickly.  Jericho missed a charge into the corner and he tagged in Shad.  Shaddy hit a big boot.  But as Jericho bounced off the ropes, Big Show got the blind tag.  Shad side slammed Jericho but turned around into the KO Punch from show for the win.

----------
6/10 - This is a one-match night, huh?  I mean, every other match tonight has been a succession of "Fine, but really short and nothing much to them".  And this was another one.  As soon as it had started, they went to the finish.  The bigger downside, compared to any other match though was that it really didn't help Cryme Tyme losing as quick as they did coming off the PPV loss.  Not saying we have to have parity booking, but there's not much hope when you barely get the chance to put up a fight.
----------

We saw the venue that Wrestlemania 26 will be in before heading back to Sunday again as Undertaker returned at the end of the show, allowing JR to pimp Taker's return to the show next week.

We cut backstage where Jeff was applying his wacky make-up.  Matt walked in and wished Jeff luck.  He said Jeff always rolled the dice and had always been a gambler.  So how about knocking out the cage match, knock out CM Punk and take back your title.  And in the future, it would be time for the Hardys to take over Smackdown.  Jeff said he lived for the moment and the moment is now.

The Cage got it's entrance.

CM Punk def. Jeff Hardy in a "Right, he's gone now.  These false endings were dragging out longer than lord Of The Rings..." "Loser Leaves" Cage match to retain the World Heavyweight Title
Jeff made his way out first with CM Punk following.  No, literally this time.  As Hardy was halfway down the aisle, Punk limp-ran his way out and attacked Hardy from behind, ramming him and then catapulting him into the cage wall.  Punk hiptossed Hardy over before hitting a suplex on the floor.  Punk put Hardy in the ring before getting in himself.  Now, here I would like to say that, showing the most brains ever in pro wrestling, once the bell rang Punk simply walked back out the door while Hardy reeled in pain, but alas, he didn't make things that easy for himself.

He did head up the cage wall in the opposite corner though, but Hardy was able to cut him off.  Punk hit a kick to the back before trying again to leave.  But again Jeff climbed up and cut him off.  But again, when on the mat, Punk took control and hit a suplex.  Again, Punk looked to leave, but again, Jeff was able to stop him.  Punk blocked a head ram into the top of the cage, ramming Jeff's head instead for a 2 count.  Punk hit a leg drop, but hardy grabbed the leg of Punk as we went to go for the door.  Jeff fought back, but Punk ducked under a crossbody.  Jeff came back and rammed Punk into the cage a couple of times before hitting the double leg drop for a 2 count.  Jeff hit the Whisper In The Wind for a 2 count.  Both men were left lying as took a break.

We saw Jeff was halfway to leaving when we returned, but Punk grabbed the foot.  Jeff hit a crossbody off the top rope for a 2 count.  Hardy called for the door, but Punk was able to cut him off and catapult Punk into the cage.  However, Jeff caught himself like Spiderman and was halfway over the top before Punk could pull him back down.  They moved along the top rope into the corner as Hardy tried to climb out again.  Punk looked for a superplex, but it was blocked and he got crotched.  Jeff hit the Swanton Bomb and made the cover, but Punk JUST kicked out before the three count.  Hardy went for the door while Punk started climbing.  However, Punk saw that Hardy was going to win that one and pulled Jeff back in, but Hardy hit the mule kick.  Punk was between the cage and ropes, so Jeff smooshed him as we took another commercial break.

Punk was halfway out the door and could touch the floor with his hands, but despite Punk's protests he was out the cage, Hardy held on and pulled him back in.  They started trading shots, drawing a "YAY!/BOO!" chant.  Hardy went for the Twist Of Fate, but it was countered into a GTS attempt, but that was countered into a backslide, getting Jeff a 2 count.  Punk hit the Welcome To Chicago, Motherf**ker for a 2 count.  Punk looked for the GTS again, but again Jeff slipped out and this time hit the Twist Of Fate.  Jeff started a SLOW climb, but he managed to get to the top of the cage before Punk even got to his feet, but Punk was able to grab the trailing leg.  Hardy punched away at Punk and freed his leg and climbed over to the other side.  However, before he could drop down, Punk managed to pull him back in and hit a superplex.  That's right, effectively a superplex over the top of the cage.

The crowd died after seeing Jeff come that close, but both men were down.  Punk was up first and he started a climb.  He was on top of the cage before Hardy caught him.  As Punk tried to drop over the other side, Jeff straddled the top of the cage.  Punk poked Jeff in the eye and then rammed his head on the metal, sending Jeff crashing back down to the mat below.  And this, Jeff Hardy fans, allowed Punk to drop down for the win!

----------
8.5/10 - Great match with only one or two crazy spots, which is all this needed given their TLC exploits, especially since they were trying to sell those here as well.  The rest of the match was built around some great drama as both men came within hair's breadths of managing to escape before being brought back into it.
----------

Punk pulled an excellent line in both writhing in pain and laughing maniacally while Jeff contemplated his fate.


Bloc Party - One More Chance

If you've read the spoilers, find out where it was where they ended the show...
Punk headed back up the ramp, cradling his title while Jeff thought about what had happened.  A chant of "Thank You, Jeff" got going before he got back to his feet.  The crowd spotted out the sad Jeff fans in the crowd.  He got on the microphone and said he was sorry if he let anyone down.  He was sorry that we'd be seeing CM Punk instead of him on Smackdown.  But it had been a helluva ride.  He thanked everyone, but said it wasn't goodbye forever, only goodbye for now.  Way to kill to the stip.  By that logic, he could come back next week.  I know Jeff only wanted an extended period off, but I really wouldn't have telegraphed it here.  I'd have made it look more permanent.

He said then the time was right we'd see him in the future.  He said at least Matt was back on his side and there was still a Hardy on the show.  Jeff signed off and bowed before climbing out the ring.  Jeff slapped hands with everyone at ringside and the ramp while the camera continued to pick out the crying ones.

However, as Jeff waved goodbye one last time...

POW!  RIGHT IN (THE BACK OF) THE KISSER!

Punk smacked Jeff from behind with the World Title, standing over the now-unemployed Hardy with his title in the air, boasting about his accomplishment as the show went off the air.

OVERALL - 7.5/10 (+/- 0 on last week) - This was a good show, but I'm probably being generous with the 7.5, but with that main, I didn't want to rate it any lower.  But this really was a one-match night, that being the main event.  Now, I'm sure some people ***coughthattwonkonyoutubewhoputupavideoburyingcmpunkforbeatingjeffatsummerslamsough*** will be mightily annoyed that they just had to have Jeff take that final shot from Punk just when it looked like he was going to get the classiest leaving thing this side of Ric Flair, but the way I see it, you want Punk to get over as a heel, then you not only give him the boost of having put Hardy out the company, but the ability to brag about how he ruined Jeff's moment.

Before that though, the show was fine.  Nothing bad on it, just nothing really of immediate value.  I'd like to see more of the opening tag.  Literally.  I want it them to have longer next time.  Drew McIntyre got some good heat for attacking Truth as he did, which is pretty impressive for someone coming in stone cold.  I doubt anyone even remembers him coming in the first time with Dave Taylor except for me, Drew and Dave Taylor (and of course, the millions of you who listened to the shoot with Dave Taylor on ClubWWI).  The women's match meant literally nothing since they only have the 2 real wrestling women in Michelle & Melina, so it's always them.  Kane & Khali are still at it, as if they couldn't just stop at one match.  The only note is the likely IC Title win for Dolph Ziggler next week, and that's only because of Rey's real mistake rather than what they booked towards, and the tag champs got a win, without us getting a chance to hear from their challengers.

Indeed, I think having the Unified Tag Champions has shown the biggest pitfall of having one champion on all shows, that people have forgotten since they re-split the Undisputed Title.  While the champion can go anywhere, the challenger still can't, so despite having 4 (now 5) hours of TV a week, you can only still have 2 to promote a match with both sides on the same show, and best you can do otherwise is have the champion talk on the other show, but that just makes what they do on the other show, such as the match tonight, entirely inconsequential, because the important feud is on the other show.  That's one of the main reason why I disagree with anyone who says the title should be combined.  They'd literally piss away half their promotion time because they can't have both sides on all the shows.