Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: The Lita Lovers Explode!
By Aaron Wood
Sep 11, 2009 - 6:55 PM

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN:  Drew McIntyre continued to be Buzz Killington, Jeff Hardy came back...in CM Punk's body, Vince McMahon went colour-blind and Rey & John Morrison tore the house down to the point where Rey needs 30 days holiday to get over it...

THIS WEEK…
Two men hold microphones in odd ways...
We kick off right with a shot of the arena, mainly because before time, the lights go out and The Undertaker makes his long awaited entrance.  Nice to see he's still wearing the Ministry-style overcoat he had been wearing.  And it's nice to see that in the wake of Jeff Hardy's exit from WWE, Justin Roberts has someone else's name to exaggerate the announcement of..."UNNNNNNDDDDDEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRTAKERRRRRRRRRR"...  JR and Todd immediately put over the Hell's Gate (that's the Gogoplata to you and me) before Taker (whose mic didn't have the little WWE "cube" on it) said that the sands of time had fallen slowly through the hourglass, but in 2 days, he'd reclaim the World Title and cast his shadow of darkness over the show once more.  Now, this CM Punk fellow was growing very tried.  By now, Punk is waking up in his own sweat, shatting himself knowing that his "Breaking Point" would be realised when he felt the grip of Hell's Gate.  Submission was the only alternative to an eternity of pain, and when Punk submitted, and he would, not only would you lose the title, but would personally hand Taker his soul.  The symphony of lies shall end.

Punk came out for a rebuttal, and it was here that I finally noticed the way Punk held his microphone, which for the major part was perpendicular to his mouth and to the side., allowing Taker to fully see his mouth moving.  But hey, "Symphony of lies"?  Well, Pot, you just called the kettle a brutha'.  See, he saw through Taker's smoke and mirrors and for what he really was.  While Jeff Hardy was the Charismatic Enabler, Taker was so much worse.  Taker prayed on the people's chemically influenced minds for almost 20 years.  He was this generation's Alice In Wonderland.  Alice led the hippies to experiment with magic mushrooms and other hallucinogens.  But Taker had created a self-destructive cycle because people believed in The Undertaker.  They believed he could withstand any beating and that he had powers from the Darkside.  They believed that he had a chance at taking his title on Sunday.  Sure, he had an impressive list of victims.  Hogan.  Flair.  Michaels.  People think Punk was easily going to be added to the list, but Punk was so much stronger than all of those men.  And he didn't want Taker's soul.  He only wanted one thing.  To see Taker tap out.  Imagine the reaction.  They just lost Jeff and now Taker submits to the Anaconda Vice.  The people would retreat and have a 40, pop a  few pain pills and numb themselves from the reality of Taker tapping out.  And you'd get a glimpse tonight when he'd make Matt Hardy tap out.  And please Taker, don't interfere, because he wanted everyone to get a glimpse of the world after Sunday.  It'd be a great world.  There'd be one true icon.  The Choice Of A New Generation (I assume Pepsi are fine with this...), the ONLY Straight Edge World Champion in history...him.  And we'd all be forced to join him and just...say...no...

Taker said the way he saw it, Punker got something wrong.  The people wouldn't be saying no, but they will say Rest...In...Peace...


You Only Live Once (Alternate Video)

Smack Of The Night:  Last week's Monster's (& Finlay) tag match.

Finlay def. Mike Knox in a "So, I take it Knox didn't even get to eat a lizard's tale (and none of this is a euphemism...)" Belfast Brawl match
Finlay was out first, followed by Knox, who got a Picture In Picture promo, where he said something a lizard shedding it's tail in the face of a predator, and as the lizard escapes, the predator eats the tail, but it wouldn't just be the metaphorical tail he'd be dining on tonight.  Finlay started on top by getting Knox to his knees before laying shots in in the corner, but Knox reversed a whip and hit a powerslam as Finlay ran back out.  Knox dropped some elbows before heading out for the plunder.  Finlay scored with a baseball slide, but has a head ram into the announce table reversed.  Knox grabbed a chair, but Finlay blocked and jabbed Mike in the stomach with it.  As they headed back into the ring though, Knox kicked the chair back into Finlay's face as we hit the ads.

We came back to see Knox put the chair to further use as he hit a side slam onto the open chair.  Finlay was dumped outside and Knox saw some trash cans and hit Finlay with a bunch of them.  A bicycle kick put Finlay over the guard rail.  However, Finlay fired up and clotheslined Knox back over.  Finlay tried jumping off the rail, but Knox caught him and drive him into it.  Finlay was waffled with a trash can lid and rolled back in after Knox had thrown some cans into the ring.  He continued to hit Finlay with the cans before ducking out and grabbing a table.  Knox cut Finlay off from getting a proper hold of the shillelagh, and set up the table in a corner.  However, this time allowed Finlay to smack Knox with a can.  However, Knox whipped Finlay into the table, which didn't actually break.  Knox made a cover for a 2 count.  Knox hit some more lid shots, but as Knox set for his crossbody, Finlay grabbed his shillelagh and walloped Knox with it for the win.

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7/10 - Decent enough weapons match, even if most of the weapons were trash cans.  Nicely timed finish, with the crossbody into Shillelagh shot.
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Finlay couldn't really believe his luck as we saw a bunch of replays.

We cut backstage to the Divas Locker Room as Michelle intercepted Dolph Ziggler from knocking on the door, as he was asking after Maria.  She knocked on the door and out popped Layla.  Not like that, this is a family show.  Layla said Maria wasn't in there before seemingly leaving.  Michelle then got into flirty mode, giving him the cow eyes and playing with her hair, before pretending to trip so she could put her hands all over him.  As this happened, we saw Layla was hiding behind them with a camera phone recording it.  And poor Dolph was just a perfect gentleman...the poor bastard...

The RAW Rebound was all about Bob Barker.  As much as I loved the show, I had to note the hypocrisy of the IWC, as Bob got in a number of faces, particularly Chris Jericho's and talked him down, and even physically threatened him.  When Seth Green talks back or when Freddie Prinze Jr. talks back, everyone is "That's bad for the industry to have their normal sized celebs talking back and acting tough to the wrestlers", and yet there was Barker, a number of decades older than any of the other hosts, not only talking back and acting tough, but coming out on top!  At least Green & Prinze took bumps for their bravado.  No such comeback on Barker, for obvious (and correct) reasons.

That said, there were 2 of the most awesome moments on RAW ever in this show.  One was...



and the other was the failure song playing after Santino lost the bodyslam challenge.

The Great Khali vs. David Hart Smith wrestle to a No Contest in a "Well, to be fair, they didn't even get a chance to" non-match
The Dynasty, en masse, came out first, followed by Khali & Singh.  After the Big Show-Vanquisher made his entrance and posed for the crowd, Kane appeared and went on the attack, launching blows down on Khali when Khali was in the corner.  Kane pulled a cane out from under the ring, but was met with an overhand chop by Khali.  Khali then hit the Punjabi Plunge on Kane.

Big Show and the guy who isn't going to Hawaii...

Wait...did someone just say THREE MINUTES~?~?~? Hawaii????


Hawaii (Live on MTV UK)

Well, anyway, Show & Jericho were heading to the entrance as we took a break.

Chris Jericho & Big Show def. Cryme Tyme in a "From Summerslam to setting up a B-PPV defence they aren't involved in...Cryme Tyme fell quick again, huh?" non-title match
As the Unified Champs made their way out, we saw Jericho losing to MVP and Big Show losing to Mark Henry on Monday night.  JTG & Jericho started things off, with Jericho getting the jump on JTG.  JTG did avoid a corner charge and score a couple of roll ups for 2 counts.  JTG dropped his head and took a kick, but he came back with a dropkick and a clothesline over the top, prompting Chris to throw a hissy fit at ringside as we took a break.

We came back with Jericho in trouble at the hands of JTG, although he got out of an abdominal stretch, he was tripped in the corner and hit with a leg lariat from the second rope for a 2 count.  Shad tagged in and he was whipped into Jericho, before hitting a back elbow for a 2 count.  Shad picked Jericho up and gave him a Gorilla Press before tagging JTG back in, slamming his partner onto Jericho for a 2 count.  JTG tried to pull Jericho off of the ropes, but as JTG talked with the ref after breaking his hold, Jericho popped him one in the mouth and tagged in Big Show for the first time.

Show went to work on JTG's ribs and back, but he flipped over Show, when Show bent down and tagged in Shad.  Big Show reversed a whip, but Shad avoided the charge and knocked Jericho down.  However, he came off the second rope to an open hand slap to the chest.  Jericho tagged back in and took his shots, also knocking JTG off the apron.  However, after paint brushing Shad, Jericho ran into a big boot.  Shad tried a tag, but Jericho pulled him back and tagged in Big Show.  Big Show locked in a chinlock.  Shad fought up and out, but ran into a big boot of Show's own before the big guy tagged in Jericho.  Jericho went for his bulldog, but Shad countered with a powerslam.

He made the tag to JTG, and he went to work on Jericho, hitting a blockbuster-like neckbreaker for 2.  Big Show broke it up, but Shad low bridged him out and shoulder tackled him.  However, while JTG went for the facebuster out of the corner, Jericho blocked and made a pin with his feet on the ropes, but JTG kicked out anyway.  Jericho looked for the Walls, but JTTG cradled him for a 2 count.  JTG went sent out, but he skinned the cat to kick Jericho away.  However, as he went to skin the cat back in the ring, Big Show smacked him with the KO Punch, allowing Jericho to pick up the win.

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7/10 - I thought this was a pretty fun match, with a nicely booked format, in so far as it wasn't really a classically set-out match for the most part.  One thing I am getting a little bored with though is that that's the third time (at least) they've done the "Big Show KO's opponent while they're in the ropes" finish.  Getting a little dull now.
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Juicebox

The (Montreal) Fix Is In...
We cut backstage to see Teddy Long doing...well...not much as Vince McMahon came in.  Vince said that Smackdown was good, and Teddy was on probation.  You see, Vinny didn't build his empire on "good".  He built it on "Excellence".  He ain't seeing that.  Me thinks Vince doesn't watch this show much either.  But hey, Teddy, how are you going from good to great?  Well, next week, Teddy had a huge surprise that would change the face of Smackdown.  You aren't going to believe it, boss!  Vince thought that was all well and good, but that was next week.  What have you got for Sunday?  Long said he was thinking about that and would have something good.  Vince repeated he didn't like "good", he wanted "excellent", so Teddy promised him it would be upgraded to excellent on Sunday.

By the way, Thaddeus, where's Vince's picture?  It's not up by MLK as it usually is.  Long was wondering about that too and had been asking about it.  But it'll be back!  Vince left Long wondering what the hell we was going to do.  Well, we have a match coming up where it makes less than zero sense to take the title off of Punk, but you want to keep Taker's aura of not being a guy who taps out, because WWE, unlike TNA, gets the idea that you don't have top babyfaces tapping out except in the rarest of rare occasions.  And where is this Sunday's show again?  Oh yeah, Montreal...  It smell a Teddy heel turn....

John Morrison def. Charlie Haas in a "Man...Dolph's a sweet little pussy cat, when you put it like that..." match
We came back to see Charlie Haas in the ring, and it could just be me, but I noticed Charlie has a new ring jacket on.  I'm sure I've seen him wear the tights before, but I hadn't noticed the long coat.  Anyway, he was waiting for the NEW~! IC Champion.  JR noted some young woman behind the announcers who was rather excited about seeing Morrison.  If only one of them said they needed a mop, I'd have died laughing.  That said, when Grisham noted all of Morrison's nicknames, JR said "Be careful, Cliché Boy...".  There's a feud for this autumn/fall, Hurricane vs. Cliché Boy!  It's A War For The Ages!

Morrison caught a running Haas early to hit he backbreaker/Side Russian series.  However, Haas got the upper hand and hit a hard suplex.   JR said Charlie was like the water in his childhood home.  Sometimes hot, sometimes cold.  It has to be said, my water's the same.  Just depends on which tap I turn on.  Haas went to work on the shoulder, driving it into the top turnbuckle, before dropping a knee on the shoulder before putting on a nasty looking armbar.  He slammed Morrison down before putting it back on, but Morrison fought out of it, hitting the dropsault and then a jumping heel kick.  The Standing Shooting Star Press followed for a 2 count.  However, Haas sent him into the ringpost through the corner before hitting an armbar takedown for a 2 count.  Haas set himself up on the top rope, ready to drive his knee into the shoulder joint of Morrison, but Johnny countered and hit a Pele-like kick to the head.  Morrison then hit Starship Pain for the win.

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6.5/10 - A really nice match, but pretty short.  Shorter than I would like, personally, but fine enough for the time it was given.
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After the match, after Morrison celebrated his win, he got on the mic and said last week, he had one of the best matches of his career ("one of the"???) and became IC Champion, but that wouldn't have been possible with Rey Mysterio.  He couldn't describe how he felt after winning, so let's go to the tape...

We cut to a replay of the post-match celebration and hug between the two.

Rey, from the bottom of the heart of hedonism (my phrase, not his), thanks mate.  And if you wanna throw down in the future and have a rematch, just ask.  However, one dude that did fancy a title shot came out, in the Number 1 Contender, Dolph Ziggler.  He was sickened.  Well, I do hear that Michelle McCool stinks of fish bait.  Oh no, wait, he was sickened by the situation.  He has earned his title shot, but Rey & John just decided to have a title match, and now John was champion, not him.  John said Dolph was just going to lose again.  Dolph said the third time would have been the charm, and he wanted his title match.  John agreed he deserved one, so how about now?

Ziggler weren't down with this.  HIS title match would be on HIS terms.  Morrison wondered if Ziggler was scared?  Huh. Ziggmeister?  El Ziggorino?  Or is it Mr. Ziggles?  No...Dolph's name was...MR. ZIGGLES...  No-one called him that, not even himself.  John wondered if Maria did.  Dolph reiterated no-one called him that.  Nitro pointed out that he just did.  Morrison doesn't count.  However, Morrison pointed out suddenly the crowd were chanting "Mr. Ziggles"!  And by some miracle of persuasion, they did!

Mr. Ziggles got annoyed at this slander, threatening to leave the stage if they continued.  Morrison got them to continue..."Mr. Ziggles clapclapclap"...and so Dolph was true to his word and left.  Morrison didn't think the WWE Universe would stop chanting it, while he was champion.


Is This It? (Live)

We cut backstage to the Meerkat of backstage interviewers, Josh Matthews, who was with Matt Hardy.  Tonight, Matt was facing the guy who ended Jeff's career (and given the news that broke not long ago, saved the WWE from having someone on their roster in a huge drugs bust).  How'd you feel, since it's a submission match?  Matt said that last week, he didn't get the chance to finish business as he would have liked to, and Punk claimed he hadn't done anything.  And there would be 2 Breaking Points.  Taker on Sunday and him tonight on Smackdown.  Punk could try to put on the Anaconda Vice.  Hell, he'd be lucky to make it Sunday, as once Matt locked in a submission hold, he wasn't letting go...

Layla El def. Melina in a "It's kinda what she deserves..." match
Melina was out first, while Layla came out with her mate, Michelle.  Given that Michelle wasn't wearing any kind of bandage on her leg to show an injury, but was still using a crutch, I'm think she needed the thing to steady her on her stiletto heels.  I mean, have you ever tried walking on those things?  It's a freaking nightmare.  Uh, but I digress...

Melina shoved out of a side headlock, but was hit with the shoulder block.  Layla bounced off the ropes and was leap frogged by Melina, who then proceeded to give Layla an incredibly s**tty flapjack for a long 1 count.  In the corner, Melina hit some mounted punches, but Layla shoved her off and then hit a forearm shot.  Layla put on a nice bow & arrow-like hold, followed by a low dropkick to Melina's back for a 2 count.  Melina began to fight back, and drove Layla into the corner, before setting her up for the double knee tot he stomach in the corner.  She then hit a faceplant out of the corner for a 2 count.  Melina kicked Layla back at the ropes before giving her a drop toe hold onto the middle rope as if she were Rey Rey, and indeed some seemed to think a 619 was coming as Mel Mel bounced off the ropes.  However, Layla moved and Melina crashed to the outside.  Layla pulled at Melina by the hair, prompting the ref to step in, which allowed Michelle to jab Melina in the gut with her crutch.  Layla pulled Melina in and made the cover for the three count.

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4.5/10 - Not the greatest match ever, but really, I’d put that down to Melina more than anything.  Weak finish as well.  I didn't buy that Melina couldn't kicked out of that if she had wanted to.  It was one short jab to the chest/ribs, which Layla hadn't even worked on.
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At this rate, he won't be on the show next week...
We cut back to Josh Matthews who this time had R-Truth with him.  Truth said that Drew McIntyre thought the party was over, but it was just getting started.  Where Truth was from, if you kicked his dog, he'd kick your cat.  He ain't getting no ghetto pass, and if he wanted to, they'd fight.  He prayed to Teddy Long to give him a match with Drew (that actually starts) and he'd be over him like a monkey on a cupcake.  whatever visual simile works for you...  Anyway, just as Truth was giving his signature line, Drew attacked from behind again.  In a nice touch, Josh bumped too and stayed down, instead of magically being able to get out of the way.  In a funny moment, Drew sent Truth into a box with "Backstage set" written on it.  Well, if someone needs reminders of what is what.  Drew got some shots in before being pulled off by referees, although he wasn't done until he kicked Truth in the head again.

So Truth has a match with Drew booked, but Drew attacks him before it begins, to make a statement.  Then next week, Truth gets a match but Drew doesn't, making him run out and attack Truth again.  Then Truth is reduced to a backstage interview, forcing another attack.  My boy has a point, he's being overlooked, and Truth is slowly being wiped off the face of the planet.  Next week, I'm guessing Truth won't appear on the show at all, although hopefully Drew will attack him for the hell of it anyway.


What Ever Happened (Live)

After the break, JR & Todd gave the PPV the hard sell, although they had one match less to talk about, since Morrison vs. Ziggler is off.  I suppose I get why, since they are looking to build the feud up first before running with the match, but still it'd have been nice.  Don't forget I'll be covering the PPV live here on the site, if you aren't watching the show live.

CM Punk def. Matt Hardy in a "Well, at least he was able to use it once before the "Submissions Only" show..." Submission match
Punk made his way out first, as we headed to last week and the end of the main event, as Taker appeared out of nowhere and chokeslammed Punk through the announce desk.  We took a break there, with Matt coming out afterwards.  And of course, there's an added irony to this match, since it's come to light that CM Punk is dating Lita.  I sincerely hope that Edge & Punk team up one day when he returns, because there's the perfect team name right there.  The Litaf**kers...

Punk shot in for Matt's arm, to set up the anaconda Vice, but Matt clubbed him off.  Punk took Matt down, but Hardy countered with a headscissors, forcing Punk to escape.  Hardy hit a trio of neckbreakers before locking on a Mexican Stretch (in others words, a double underhook, trapping Punk's neck in Matt's sweaty armpit while applying a bodyscissors to add the weight).  Punk was able to drive Hardy into the corner though to break it, before putting shoulders into Hardy's gut, following up with a kick.  Punk looked for the springboard in, but Hardy cut him off and went to work the leg, with a couple of trapping knee drops to the leg and a chop block.  He then dropped a couple of elbows, but his Figure Four attempt was pushed off.  Matt hinted at the Twist Of Fate, but Punk shoved him off and into the ringpost, before doing it again, this time sending Matt tumbling to the floor as we took a break.

We came back with Punk still in control.  Punk hit the Evan Bourne-esque move of driving his knee into the back of Matt's head while falling out of the corner.  He then snapmared Hardy over and hit a low dropkick to the back.  Punk hit more clubbing blows to the back of the head before putting on a chinlock.  Matt stood up and fell backwards into Punk to counter and he again looked for a leg hold, but Punk kicked off again and he fell out of the ring to the apron.  Punk hit a suplex and a pair of leg drops, while selling the leg.  Punk put on a Figure Four Neck Lock, adding the odd elbow point tot he top of the head.  Matt fought out of it, but was caught with an enziguri, putting Hardy on the ropes.  Hardy picked himself up in the corner, so Punk set and hit the high knee in the corner, but the bulldog was blocked with a knee breaker.  Matt locked in a Figure Four Leg Lock, a la Ric Flair.  Punk screamed in pain, but he nutted up and turned it over, grabbing the bottom rope.

Hardy hit his corner combination of the clothesline and bulldog.  Side Effect connected, but the Twist of Fate was countered into position for the GTS.  That was blocked though and Hardy locked in what I can't decide was the best or worst Single Leg Boston Crab of all time, since Matt, instead of crouching, sat back on Punk, looking really awkward in doing so while making it look all the more painful at the same time.  However, Punk was able to grab the bottom rope, although Hardy held it long for as long as he could.  However, as Matt approached again, Punk caught Matt with a roundhouse to the head, giving Punk the opening he needed to lock in the Anaconda Vice for the win.

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7.5/10 - Fine and fun match with a nice emphasis on submissions, with Punk working on the shoulder well early before Matt worked on the legs and Punk did a bang=up job of selling the leg all the way through.  It was a nice taster for Sunday.  They just have the hole of how to book the match now...
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Punk reeled in pain for a moment before giving himself a round of applause, while he gave us the biggest s**t-eating grin you've ever seen.  He celebrated, holding his belt, when the lights went out and the bell tolled.  When it came back on, Punk was in the ring, but the title has disappeared.  We cut to the stage to see undertaker was standing there, holding the belt!  Taker looked at it and rolled his eyes back as the show ended.


Phrazes For The Young (Solo album by Julian Casablancas) "Trailer", out soon.

OVERALL - 7/10 (-1.5 on last week) - Not a great show this week, but a very acceptable one, as they built the PPV main pretty well and the tag champions had a good win.  They also built up a Ziggler/Morrison feud and built the Truth/McIntyre feud as well.  That said, none of the matches stood out as being great, unlike many in recent weeks, and indeed, for once, I'd say one of them was actively pretty poor.  But the show overall, was fine enough.