Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Someone Call Rey...Batista's Gonna Need A Partner...
By Aaron Wood
Sep 18, 2009 - 6:23 PM

Hello my Gathering...  First off, a bit of house-keeping.  Last week saw me feature a bunch of awesome videos by The Strokes, including a "trailer" for the solo album by Julian Casablancas.  Well, as it goes, in the last day or so, he's put up the first track to come from that album on his MySpace page, which is called "11th Dimension", and like Le Miz, it is AWESOME~!

Here's the Link:  Julian Casablancas - 11th Dimension

And speaking of "themes" and stuff, because I'm a person who loves to give and not, say, Canadian Bulldog, who foists his bullcrap upon you whether you like it or not, if you have a theme you'd like to see me have for these reviews such as "Weezer" or "Monty Python" or "Computer Game Endings" or whatever, drop me either an e-mail, Facebook message or, even better, a tweet (links at the bottom).  I'll see what works for me, and you'll get a shout-out as and when I give you what you want.

That said, this week, with the release of The Beatles Rock Band game on PS3 and lesser machines, as well as the other various 40th Anniversary deals going on, I thought I'd have some great Beatles covers.  Now I know what you're thinking...  "Aaron, you did "I Am The Walrus" not long ago!", and you'd be right, which is why "I Am The Walrus" doesn't appear once...

Well, except right here:

Jim Carrey - I Am The Walrus (George Martin Album "In My Life" 1998)

But beyond that, it's an eclectic mix of peoples and tracks from the catalogue.  And since I'm about to start this week's review...a starting song, seem appropriate enough:


Jimi Hendrix - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN:  Josh Matthews ended up being collateral damage, Millions of girly-girls were inspired as to what to call their puppy dogs or kittens, Punk got ready to lock in his submission and keep it locked on until Undertaker tapped out and Teddy Long promised a big announcement for this week, but I suspect that we found out what it was on RAW...

THIS WEEK…
We kick off the show with a trailer-like recap of what happened at the PPV.  You know.  The Montreal Screwjob.  No.  Not that one.  Not that one either.  The one with Undertaker on Sunday.  We cut to the parking lot with a limo showing up and out popping Teddy Long, who looked around and then called for some security to stick close to him, looking around for Undertaker.

Welcome home...I guess...
After the credits we hit the arena to welcome back Batista.  Yep, that's right, if you were under a rock on Monday night, or if you were lucky enough, under THE Rock, than you missed Batista announcing that he was coming to Smackdown.  To be perfectly honest with y'all, I'm the first to point out Smackdown's desperate need for star power right now with half the main event roster unavailable for whatever reason, but if I had to move anyone across from RAW, Batista would have been just about the last guy I'd have personally picked.

But anyway, I'll have to put up with it, I suppose, as he came out to slap hands with everyone at ringside, include the legend that is Todd Grisham and JR.  We cut back to clips of RAW, as he out-smarted Orton at the beginning of the show and then beat him like a mule at the end.  After getting a fairly big ovation, as Batista said his contract expired on RAW, and for the first time he got to choose where he wanted to be.  There, I hope that satisfies all the people who were butt-hurt by the lack of full and immediate explanation of everything rather than enjoying the moment and letting the story unfold.  Anyway, he said he wasn't drafted or traded.  It was his choice, and he chose to be on the Blue Team, the "A" Show.  And he couldn't wait to get started.

Apt choice of words this was, young Luke, as Jericho's music hit and he came out.  Jericho said it was heart-warming to hear Batista was back on the show, and offered his congratulation.  The babies are smiling, the birds are chirping and the clouds had parted now that The Animal was back.  Hey, love crowd, you like it that Batista is back, huh?  Well, it made Jericho sick.  He was just like the other injury-prone loser, that being Edge.  Pandering to the parasites.  Begging for cheers from the hypocrites.  Hoping for an award that he came back form injury.  And no matter what Batista might think, Chrissy was the face of Smackdown and everyone knew it.  You see, a lot had changed in the LONG time Batista was out, and like he said, he was "the man" on the show.

Batista said that he was always told to be the man, you had to beat the man.  He knew a lot had changed, but they'd have a chance to catch up, since tonight, Jericho was facing Batista.  Deacon Dave then gave Cleric Chris a spinebuster to make his point before leaving.

We cut to JR & Grisham to talk about the possibilities of Batista coming to Smackdown.

And then, the magic of television happened, because despite the fact it was Batista who had headed up the ramp, and his music was still playing, we cut to the locker-room as Jericho trounced in and chewed out Big Show for not coming out to make the save.  Were you on the phone, you big, bald, well-dressed gigantobaby?  Hey Chris, you told me to stay back and here and you'd it by yourself.  Jericho nutted up and said he would do it by himself.  They might be the tag champions, but he was the first Undisputed Champion, and the last time he faced Batista, he won the World Title, so you stay back here tonight Show while Jericho shows you how it's done.

They pimped an interview with the referee from Sunday, Scott Armstrong, a worthy note since a number of people get sand in their literal and/or metaphorical vaginas about how they don't refer to the ref's by name anymore.  Well, not only are they using his name, it's on screen!

We came back from break to see Mr. Ziggles on guest commentary.

John Morrison def. Mike Knox in a "Yep, Morrison's a high babyface.  He's making gay jokes about the play by play guy..." match
Morrison came out first to a decent cheer, followed by Knox, whose picture-in-picture promo/Biology lesson for the week was about Restless Leg Syndrome.  He said it affected 25 million people in the US, and was a creeping sensation in the legs which could only be calmed by a rapid movement of the leg.  He told Morrison they hadn't found a cure yet.  Good to know?  Must admit, I get that from time to time in bed, or when I'm nervous about something.  Wouldn't say I had a syndrome though.

Morrison tried to take Knox over, but Mike blocked it and knocked Morrison down himself.  Stomps in the corner, but after pulling Morrison out by the boot, he was hit with a break-dancing kick to the head.  Morrison used his speed to avoid Knox and hit the Pele kick on Knox.  Knox was low-bridged out of the ring, and Morrison followed up with an Asai Moonsault as we hit the ads.

We came back with Morrison down and grounded as we saw how Knox got control, using the ringpost.  In a nice touch, JR returned to something he asked Ziggler about Sunday's behaviour just before the break.  Before Ziggler could answer though, Knox hit a big bicycle kick to the back of the head for a 2 count.  Knox stretched Morrison over his knee, but Morrison tried to fight out.  Knowing what was coming, Knox dropped Morrison down again.  Morrison countered a slam by spinning around Knox to hit a DDT.  It only picked up a 2 count though.  And by the way Dolph, there are 34 ice machines in the Palace Of Wisdom.

Morrison took out the knee of Knox and hit a dropkick, before following up with a running knee and standing SSP for another near fall.  The Moonlight Drive was blocked and Knox hit his crossbody for a 2 count.  Knox went for the Knox Out, but Morrison countered and hit The Flying Chuck.  This left Knox in position for...Starship Pain~!  Morrison made the cover for the win.

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7/10 - Pretty decent match there, with the big Knox against the agile Morrison, giving Morrison a good win ahead of his match with Ziggler.
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After celebrating and replays, Morrison got hold of the mic and said he hoped that Dolph enjoyed being down there playing footsie with Todd Grisham.  Morrison said he knew Dolph was trying to make a name for himself, but the only name the WWE Universe would be chanting was Mr. Ziggles.  A "Mr. Ziggles" chant got going, causing Ziggler to get up and leave.


Bono & The Edge - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds ("Across The Universe" film 2007)

We cut back to JR & Todd as they talked about Sunday's screwjob, with the clip there, as we saw Punk get the Anaconda Vice on and milliseconds later, the ref called for the bell with him and Punk heading for the hills.  You know, as I wrote when I saw it the first time.

Does this mean we're naming refs by name again?
We cut backstage to Josh Matthews and Scott Armstrong.  BG's brother said that he had wondered why he did what he did on Sunday himself a number of times.  But after 30 years in the business, he hadn't been asked to do anything like that in his life.  But if you don't own the business, you work for someone who does.  He answered to someone in a higher position.  He had a wife and kids and he loved them.  He was asked to do something he knew was wrong and made him sick, and he wasn't proud of it, but he was making no excuses.  He did what he had to do to keep his job.

Smackdown X commercial for October 2nd.  Keep an eye out on the site for a bunch of stuff I hope to have up in that time.

Coming up, Batista and Jericho decide who is the face of Smackdown.  That means it's either some hideous wooden devil-puppet or Ellen DeGeneres...

Melina def. Michelle McCool in a "To be fair, the leg was still gimpy..." non-title match
Melina came out first, as Grisham ironically talked about how great Batista was.  She was followed by Michelle, who still had something of a limp on he and a Stone Cold-like knee brace.  You wonder why she was wrestling then.  Melina went for Michelle, so she hid in the ropes.  The locked up, with Michelle getting the better of it with punches, but Melina tilt-a-whirled round and hit a kick, sending Michelle out of the ring for a think about it.  Melina ducked out and started a foot race, but McCool caught her coming back in and pulled her into the ring by her hair.  Head rams into the canvas, before she hit a knee lift.

Michelle locked on a Dragon Sleeper but one that bent Melina all the way back as JR promised to show it to Todd later.  Michelle let it go and dumped Melina down before taking her into the corner for a boot choke.  McCool missed a baseball slide though and Melina hit a Thesz Press off the apron.  Back in the ring, Michelle was dropped onto the middle rope.  She let out a helluva scream before squashing Michelle in the ropes.  faceplant scored a 2 count.  Michelle blocked a charge, but missed with a big boot when Melina showed Trish how it was done and Matrixed out of it.  However, she stood back up into a second big boot for a 2 count.  Michelle looked for the Faith Breaker, but Melina reversed it into the Code Red (or whatever she calls it) for the win.

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5/10 - It was alright.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  They've done better.
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Thaddeus just can't get anything right...
We went backstage to Teddy, who still had a couple of the Security guys (one of whom looked a bit like HBK's cousin, Michael Shane, but chances are, it wasn't).  However, Vince McMahon walked in.  He wanted Long to himself, so security left.  So, what was on Vince's mind?  The screwjob?  No.  Batista coming to Smackdown?  No.  No, what Vince's main reasoning for visiting was that he wanted to know where his picture was, since it still wasn't up on Teddy's wall!  Teddy promised to have it up last week.  And he also said he had a surprise to change the face of Smackdown, and he did, since he got Batista.  That was great.  But he also said he would have something for Breaking Point, and boy, did you ever come up with something.  Unfortunately, Vince's next word's weren't "I'd like to think I thought of it first...", but indeed, Vinny Mac wondered why in the hell Teddy would want to go and piss off Undertaker like that.

Long said Vince said...Vince jumped in saying that he told Teddy to entertain the people, no more, no less.  So with that in mind, he owes Vince an explanation.  and it better be the right answer.  As it goes, Teddy owed the Universe an explanation, so get to stepping out to the ring, and it better be good, because Vince was gonna stay behind and watch.  And as it goes, Vince wouldn't want to be Teddy, knowing what Undertaker was likely to do.  Long left Vince, who ended up with a grin on his face.

Where to, Stephanie Teddy?
After the break, Teddy and his posse of indy geeks headed out to the ring as we again went back to Sunday night, and indeed, the replay package that opened the show.  We came back with Teddy in the ring and the muscle around it.  We wanted to start by welcoming Batista back before saying he had an admission to make.  He admitted that it was all pre-planned to prevent Undertaker from becoming Champion.  he wasn't going to stand out there and say he was proud of it, because he was not, and that he was not afraid of Taker, because he was and he knew he might show up at some point, hence the cannon fodder.  But he wasn't the only one.  No, Long was also willing to throw Scott Armstrong and CM Punk under the bus for this one.

Long said he knew how he felt, and he'd like to tell us why he did what he did.  He had a family to take care of and he couldn't afford to let them down on benefits.  And he was too old to learn to do something new.  He's clearly never heard of TNA.  It's also their job ad...

Old?
Ex-WWE?
Beyond your best years and find it hard to do something useful with yourself?
If the answer's yes to all three, Call D. Carter in Orlando for amazing opportunity at helping people forget who you are while earning money at the same time!

Anyway, Teddy wanted to apologise for his actions and apologise to the WWE Universe and everyone in the crowd.  And especially apologise to The Undertaker.  And he hoped that Undertaker would find it in his heart to forgive him.  Yeah, gonna happen.

Anyway, Long left with the hired goons (Hired goons?).  We cut back again to JR & Todd as they digested what Long had just said.

We cut backstage as we saw Teddy look to escape the building, as he jumped in the limo.  We cut inside as he told his driver to take him away, when the driver revealed himself to be Undertaker.  Yep, he's back to carjacking limos again.  The look on Long's face was PRICELESS.  Not Legacy, PRICELESS.  The lighting inside the limo changed and smoke started pouring out from the seats.  They added some audio effects, such as lightning INSIDE THE LIMO and reverb to Long's voice as well, just to drive home the cheesy plot point.  The Limo drove off to God knows where, with smoke coming out the windows like Snoop Dogg was inside (ya get me?), as it left.

We came back from the break to see the whole hokey piece again.  There's a fine man (or lady) called Nyquil Driver on the forums whose first posts talked about how illogical the "magic" of Undertaker's re-appearance at Summerslam was.  Boy, they aren't gonna like this...  But they have Stewart Lee in their avatar, so they're good people as far as I'm concerned.


Billy Connolly - For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite (George Martin Album "In My Life" 1998)

Oh look, this decade's Shawn Michaels...
We came back to the arena to be introduced to CM Punk, who had a nice s**t-eating grin on his face.  And he wanted to say one thing.  He Told us so.  Indeed, he said it seems like he says that a lot.  But hey, he said he'd beat Jeff.  He did.  He told us so.  He said he'd rid us Jeff Hardy forever, and he did.  He told us so.  And he said he'd make Undertaker tap out and the people laughed, and he did just that.  But he wasn't out to brag about being the only guy to make Taker tap.  He came out to call out Undertaker in Punk's yard, stick the title in his face and tell Taker he told him so.  But The Deadman isn't here right now, so he'd address the people instead.  It seems as though some think that Punk's been a bit preachy.   But hey, they need preaching to.  They needed a leader who wasn't corrupt and righteous, not self-righteous.  But the people would do what Taker did.  Give up.

And hey, by the looks of half of them, they already did.  Pop a pill when you crawled out of bed?  Ravage your body with booze to heal your self worth?  Poison your lungs to calm your nerves?  And at the end of the day, it's another pill to help you forget and help you sleep...  They are a legion of inebriated zombies awaiting the latest anti-depressant to put an artificial smile on our faces.  They look for scapegoats to cover for their inadequacies.  And they have a lot of those.  And don't tell him they don't, because if you then do, you're a liar too.  You're lying to the person next to you, you're lying to their families and Punk himself.  And he's not a liar.  He was a prophet.  He was the choice of a new generation and champion the people could be proud of.  He was the first and only sXe champion in history and if you aren't Striaght Edge, that just means he's better than you.  Punk giggled in self-satisfaction as his music played.

Coming up, the one Breaking Point rematch we didn't want...

The Hart Dynasty def. Cryme Tyme in a "Well, they got to win in Canada after all..." match
Cryme Tyme came out with Eve, as JR came over all Lawler as he said the best thing about Cryme Tyme was Eve.  They were followed by The Hart Dynasty, which naturally meant an automatic cheers for them.  They got a small "Welcome Home" chant as the bell rang.  THE REAL CANADIAN BULLDOG, DH Smith & Shad started off, with Shad getting the better of the early going, although Smith countered a whip with a knee to the gut, following up with stomps in the corner.  He taunted JTG before wringing Shad's arm and whipping him across.  Shad burst out the corner though and hit a faceplant for a 2 count.  JTG tagged into the ring and hit an assisted Splash.  Smith reversed a whip, but JTG got a Goldust-like uppercut in and a dropkick that sent Smith out.  Tyson Kidd came in , but Shad press slammed him, forcing the Dynasty to regroup as we left it.

We returned with Shad & Kidd in the ring.  Smith quickly tagged in though and downed Shad for a long 1 count.  Elbows to the shoulder of Shad.  Kidd came back in, hitting a low dropkick for a 2 count.  Kidd stomped on Shad before hitting an elbow drop.  Kidd locked on a chinlock, bridging for leverage.  Shad got back up, but Smith tagged in and hit the rolling snapmare for a 2 count.  Smith drove a knee into Shad's back and locked on a chin & arm lock.  Shad got back up and hit a big boot to the running Smith.  DH grabbed the ankle, to block any tag, and got up to stomp Gaspard.  Tyson Kidd tagged back in again, and rammed Kidd into the corner.  Kidd went for a headlock, but Shad was already on his knees, so he wasn't long in standing up and shoving off.  He elevated Kidd up, but Tyson landed on his feet.  However, as Tyson came off the ropes, Shad hit a big clothesline.

Shad made the tag to JTG, who hit the rolling shoulder tackle and dropkick, before hitting as neckbreaker.  He hit DH Smith before scoring with the leg lariat form the second rope for a 2 count.  Kidd scored a rollup for 2, but JTG reversed it for a 2 of his own.  He hit the twisting clothesline for another pin, but DH Smith broke it up.  Shad came in, but was dumped out.  As JTG approached the Harts, Natalya distracted the ref, allowing Smith to hit JTG, Big Show-style, before Tyson hit a Blockbuster-like move for the three count.

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7.5/10 - Fun tag match here, albeit basic.  Good win for the Dynasty in Canada.
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Noel Gallagher & Friends - Tomorrow Never Knows (John Lennon Tribute Show in 2000)

This was about a million times cleverer than I thought it would be...  Kudos Michael Hayes...
We went backstage to see Melina, now fully dressed, return to the locker room for...something, only to see it plastered in pictures of Dolph Ziggler in a compromising position with Michelle from last week.  Melina freaked out and started to take them down when Maria walked in.  Melina said she was sorry for what was in the picture.  Maria said Dolph would have a logical explanation, but if Melina thought he was up to something, why didn't she talk to Maria?  Why would you do this???  Melina tried to plead innocence, but Maria wouldn't listen, and she said she was done with Melina.

I have to say, the way I thought it would play out (the usual way) was far less smarter than this.  Michelle & Layla didn't do this to hurt Maria per se, they did it to get at Melina, knowing she had been voicing concerns about Dolph, so they set her up.  Nice to see them go down a different road than the obvious one.

Clips of John Cena's title win on Sunday leads to a run down of both Hell In A Cell matches already announced.

The Great Khali def. Kane by DQ in a "See ya later, Khali.  At least I have the mp3 of your entrance to entertain me..." match
As Khali came out, we saw shows of people dancing and a couple of Asians with Indian flag signs.  Kane came out next.  JR made a point of saying that Kane was certifiable.  The bell rang and Khali took early control, and hit a chop in the corner and then a big boot.  Khali looked for an early Vice Grip, but Kane ducked out the ring.  On the outside, Khali followed, but was hit with an uppercut and then Kane grabbed a chair and hit Khali in the head for the DQ.

Kane separated the steps and dragged Khali, by the leg, to the steps, setting Khali's leg up on the step, before taking the top half of them and bashing in Khali's leg.  It should be noted that it was quite obvious that Kane was hitting the top of the steps and not actually Khali's leg, making the scene look a little hokey, but the point was made.

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1/10 - Never got started, but really, the injury angle didn't come off as well as it should because it was clear that Kane wasn't hitting the leg (indeed, he was denting the top steps hitting the bottom half), and Khali barely sold the pain he should have been in.
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We had EMT's run out to Khali as they helped him out on a stretcher.  You know, for a guy who just had his leg bashed in, he was able to hop onto the gurney easy enough and seemed in remarkably little pain...

WWE Smack Of The Night...Drew McIntyre.  Enough said.

I told you.  I told you all last week that R-Truth wouldn't be on this show.  That said, at least Drew was...
We came back with Charlie Haas in the ring, as the announcers noted he was facing R-Truth.  That despite Truth demanding a match with McIntyre?  Did he have to face Haas to get a shot at Drew?  As it turns out, it was all a moot point, because while Truth's music played, it wasn't Truth who came out.  It wasn't even someone pretending to be Truth.  It was your friend and mine, Drew "Buzz Killington" McIntyre.

He got on the mic and said it seems as if Truth was involved in an accident, and he was informed that Truth was unable to compete, so hey, Charlito, you just won by forfeit.  Congrats, buddy!  Drew held his hand out, and they shook, but as Charles turned round, Drew spun him back round and hit the Double Arm DDT.

Back from break, and once again we saw Taker tell Teddy to buckle up for a trip in the wild magenta-lit yonder.


Sir Paul McCartney - Helter Skelter

Batista def. Chris Jericho in an "At least he wasn't squashing Punk his first night in..." match
Jericho was out first, followed by Batista.  Jericho ducked a shot and hit a slap, but this enraged the Animal who dumped him in the corner for some blows.  Jericho bounced off the ropes, but Batista caught him and hit a powerslam.  Jericho however took out the knee, hitting it again, knocking Batista off the apron as we saw Big Show watching.  Batista's head was rammed off the announce desk before they headed back into the ring.  Jericho continued to work over the knee before punching him in the head a couple of times.

Jericho put on a chinlock, using the other arm to trap one of Batista's.  However, Batista got back up and backed Jericho into the corner, so Jericho went back to working the leg.  Jericho laid some shots in, but he ran into a Bossman Slam.  Batista hit a clothesline in the corner, before driving shoulder in.  He met a boot after a whip across though, and Jericho knocked Batista down.  The Lionsault missed, and while Jericho landed on his feet, he ran into the spinebuster for the second time this week.  Batista warrior'ed up and looked to finish, but Jericho got out and hit the enziguri for a 2 count.

Jericho headed up top, but jumped into a clothesline.  Batista set himself up in the corner for the spear, but Jericho side stepped it and got a rollup, using the ropes, for a 2 count.  Jericho punted the ribs, but Batista gain looked for the Bomb.  Jericho countered again, this time into the Walls Of Jericho.  However, Batista turned it round and kicked Jericho off.  Codebreaker was blocked and Batista managed to manoeuvre Jericho into position for the Batista Bomb for the win.

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6.5/10 - Decent enough short-ish match, with Jericho getting some fine offence in, and he didn't fall to the Batista Bomb on the first attempt.  It's funny though, immediately after RAW, people had speculated that it would be a Triple Threat at the PPV with Punk & Taker, so that they could have Punk pin Batista to keep the Punk/Taker feud going another month, but if Batista is mixing it with the tag champions, I doubt they're doing a 3 way match.  Indeed, off the top of my head, I suspect Rey Rey will be back ASAP (If I recall correctly, he's back before the PPV, and maybe even for Smackdown X, and we'll have JeriShow vs. Batista & Mysterio at the PPV.
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After a couple of replays, we cut backstage to see Josh approach Big Show.  Big Show said that Batista got lucky, and if he cared to get in the ring with Show next week, his luck would run out.

We returned to see Batista celebrate as the show ended.

OVERALL - 7/10 (+/-0 on last week) - For me, this show ended up being better than the spoilers seemed to suggest.  As I said earlier, while I'm the first to see that Smackdown needs the star power, Batista is one of the last guys I'd pick.  First of all, it probably doesn't help them to plug the gap with the guy who is the most likely to get injured again sooner rather than later.  Secondly, I wouldn't have brought across a babyface.  When you look at the guys who are gone, Rey will be a babyface when he comes back, obviously, When Edge returns, he has to be a babyface, albeit that it will be a long time before he returns and you can turn people by next March, or whenever he comes back.  But you have John Morrison as well.  You have Undertaker.  They have some top babyfaces on hand as and when they need them.  But who is on the heel side?  You have Punk.  You have Jericho, but he's pretty much unavailable while Tag champion and spending a bunch of time on RAW.  And then you have Dolph Ziggler and Mike Knox as the next biggest heels on the brand.  There is still time for it to happen, at Hell In A Cell particularly, but if I had to have Batista (and given that he had not much else to do, I can totally see why it was him), I'd be turning him heel quick smart.  Put it this way, between Morrison & Ziggler, I think Morrison is the one who is going to be ready to step up to the main event level first, but sooner or later, the babyface side of things is going to be fairly crowded, relatively speaking, and so adding Batista is going to make things worse for Morrison can stunt his growth to an extent.  A new heel on Smackdown plugs a big gap and buys time for the development of Ziggler.

That said, the show itself was fine enough.  Nothing was awesome, and other than the injury angle and the corniness of the Limo angle (which I thought was actually perversely entertaining) nothing sucked.  But I just hope the bloom isn't off the rose, given Smackdown's recent semi-decline.