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Aaron (And Special Guest)'s UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Rey Gets His Rematch And Thus What He Asked For
By Aaron Wood
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Hello may Gathering, how are we all tonight, on this INCREDIBLY chilly evening, at least where I am, as I sit here, freezing my nuts off. It's like I'm some penguin in the antarctic tundra being voiced over by Samuel L. Jackson in an awesomely observed parody of a pretentious film about penguins, myself being quite possibly voiced by Gilbert Gottfried or some such guy...
As it goes, speaking of good things coming from poor films, I've noticed, especially this year, that there have been some really good songs appearing as tracks from movies, but not just any movies. Poor/bad movies. And it didn't take much digging to find other tracks that were great but are associated, at the very least, with terrible films. Such as Andrew WK's "We Want Fun" from Jackass: The Movie, which I'm sure I've used before, but since it's such a great song, here it is again! So look out for more of those good songs from bad films. And then there's something else to look out for, as at this week's ECW & Smackdown tapings was out very own brand spanking new (and if I do say so myself, really rather hot) TNA Impact reviewer, Jana Bulloch. Christ, after last night's Impact, you wonder how and why she took it on... Anyway, she was wonderful enough to send me some her own live thoughts on the show, so I'll be including them where and when appropriate. So anyway, with that said, on with the show! LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Chris Jericho showed off and bragged about his massive weapon, It wasn't Gallows's fault, John Morrison created Drew McIntyre and Batista came a-calling... THIS WEEK… Before we start things off, we go back to 2 weeks ago and the Taker/Jericho main event with Batista run-in at the end, and then last week's "Calling Out" by Taker, only for Batista to get the jump on him and beat Taker up on both occasions with a chair. We then continued Smackdown actually impressive record of consecutive uses of it's opening credits. I honestly can't remember the last cold open for the show. So, it seems as though what Batista needed to cut a really good promo was the ability to stay healthy for long enough to bother cutting one, huh? Batista came out to the ring as we got a graphic for his title match on Sunday. He said he came out for a couple of reasons. What? He's gay? When did this happen? Oh no, wait, he came out to the ring, for a couple of reasons. Gotcha... Firstly, he didn't want the match against Rey. He was the one who demanded a street fight with Dave. Batista thought Rey didn't deserved it or even be in the same ring as him. To be honest with you, given the exercise in ass-handing Batista gave to Rey at the PPV, I don't entirely see how Rey "deserved" to get such payback. And thusly, the second thing, since he started his campaign to reclaim his World Title, it seems like a lot of people aren't happy with him. The crowd booed and Batista said it seems like that's happened a lot lately, but he didn't care. Boo all you want, it wasn't about the fans. It was about him being who he was born to be. World Heavyweight Champion. He didn't need Evolution, they needed him, and so he used them for their knowledge and experience and then he was on his way. He didn't and doesn't need Mysterio. He's needed him to watch his back. And he didn't need any of us. He didn't hear the cheers and he didn't hear the boos. No comprende? He'll make it simple for them. One spotlight please! The lights darkened and a spotlight focused on Batista, his point being he was the one in the spotlight, not us. He wasn't here for friends. He was here to make money and win title, not make friends. Everything about him screams "World Heavyweight Champion". How he walked, talked and dressed, his dominance, everything! Which brought him to The Undertaker. He wasn't the dominant force everyone makes him out to be. He had been beaten down for the last fortnight. Batista looked in his eyes and saw nothing but fear. There was something that Taker (and the fans) were too stubborn to realise. Undertaker had already lost! Winning at TLC for Batista was only a formality, so everyone in the building and around the world better get used to. World Heavyweight Champion, Batista! Jana: The boos were near-deafening. Less because of Batista himself and more because the object of his derision was Rey Mysterio. The huge number of children in the audience, coupled with the fact that we're in TEXAS means that Rey is revered like a god. Dave posed in the corner as we cut to a graphic pimping our opening match, which was, naturally, barring some Nitro/Impact-like run of talking bits in a row, next! Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage - Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle We saw the skyline outside in Houston, Texas. CM Punk & Luke Gallows def. R-Truth & Matt Hardy in a "Well, it's not the worst rap battle I've ever seen..." match CM Punk & Luke Gallows came out to the ring. You know, I'd like Gallows new look more if he didn't tuck the pants into his long boots. Anyway, they sent it back to last week and Gallows causing the DQ in Punk's match against R-Truth. And indeed, Striker pushed the name "The 12th Step" for the finisher Gallows ripped off Pete Gas. We cut back to the pair, as Punk had a mic. He told us to do ourselves a favour and pay attention. He kept his ear to the ground to keep up with what people were doing and this Digital Video Disc (sorry Punk, but it is Digital VERSITILE Disc) of Jeff Hardy's is flying off the shelves. He wasn't shocked at this, but he was disturbed by the horrible parents (who shouldn't be parents at all) who were buying it as a Xmas present for their kids. A banner year for the druggies! Those parents might as well be stuffing their kids stockings with magic mushrooms because when they watch this filth, they will likely hallucinate. They'll think they can fly. They'll think they can do the impossible. But in reality, the only thing the DVD made you was a washed up, good for nothing, unemployed junkie. He then dropped the Digital Versatile Disc and stomped away on it like Ric Flair on a new removed suit. He then let Gallows have a go too. Truth came out with his partner, Matt Hardy, and they were being Santa Claus a little early as Matt had a bag with him and inside the bag were free copies of Jeff's DVD which Matt started giving out to the crowd. The BEST thing about this entrance however was that whenever R-Truth was rapping, Punk would interject at opportune moments. For example, "What's Up?" "Straight Edge!", as well as admonishing the crowd members who took a copy. He even told them to sell them off. As Truth got a final "What's Up?" before the bell, Truth tonked Punk in the head with the microphone as he procrastinated. Gallows and Truth started off, with Luke taking control and bringing in Punk. However, Truth came back with a pair of clotheslines before sending Punk out of the ring as we took a break. We returned with Hardy and Truth double teaming Punk, with Hardy picking up a 2 count. Hardy wrung the arm and Truth tagged back in. Punk telegraphed a backdrop and dropped Truth on the top rope. Gallows tagged in and went to work on Truth. After a few shots in the corner, Punk tagged back in. Truth came back with shots, but he ran into a scoop powerslam for a 2 count. Punk hit a sitout suplex (blowing a kiss to Matt before hitting it) for a 2 count. He locked in a stretching hold, before tagging in Gallows. Luke locked in a bearhug on Truth. He broke free, but ran into a big boot. Punk came in and hit a back suplex. He headed out to the apron and springboarded in, but was hit with a dropkick counter. Hardy tagged in and he went to town on Punk, hitting a neckbreaker for a 2 count. He punched at Punk in the corner before slamming him out of the corner for another near fall. He hit the leg drop from the second rope, but Gallows broke the pin. Truth dumped Gallows, but Punk dumped him. Hardy looked for the Twist Of Fate, but Punk countered and looked for the Go To Sleep. That was countered as well, as Gallows then got the blind tag in. While Hardy was able to hit his finisher, Gallows came in with a Big Boot and the "12th Step" for the win. ---------- 6.5/10 - A fine enough match to get Gallows new persona over as well as shill the Jeff Hardy DVD, with Punk just AWESOME in his role as the guy being against the DVD's sale. ---------- Jana: Huge reaction for this match. R-Truth is incredibly popular, particularly with the kids. I don't say that with a sneer, it's true. It really was rather cute watching thousands of children jumping up and down and shouting, "What's up???" Jeff's cheers and chants have been transferred to Matt, purely because of blood ties. The true gold in the segment preceding the match was Punk's continuing to speak on the mic while R-Truth's music and rapping were going on. "Do not accept that DVD!!! Sell it on eBay!" We laughed very hard. The shots of Punk at the end of the match really brought to mind a demented Jesus-type. Maybe that's the plan? After replays, we cut to the heels on the ramp as Punk knelt and laughed. Smashing Pumpkins - The End Is The Beginning Is The End - Batman & Robin They pimped a face-off between John Morrison and Drew McIntyre as they said Morrison had a surprise, as well as the street fight. We came back and headed to the GM office as we saw Vickie Guerrero and Eric Escobar arguing in Spanish as Teddy wondered what the hell they were saying. Eric said he was telling the truth in that people thought Vickie was his mother. But his mother wasn't as big as Texas. Vickie said her consultation that instead of standing there, Eric should do what he's apparently paid to do. Compete! So get out there and face Chris Jericho now! Escobar again said something in Spanish, telling Teddy he said that firstly, she should take a breath mint and secondly, anyone she wants to throw in his path, fine! Anything other than look at her. As Teddy giggled, Vickie screamed for him to get out. We then caught up with Kane, as he was likely looking for the mysterious organist that was able to follow him around and play his music wherever he went. However, he caught up with Mike Knox. Knox said that after they fought last week, he realised something. They were both the same. Monsters who no-one understood. He said he enjoyed facing Kane last week, and would like to do it again. Kane said they were nothing alike and there was only one monster, but he'd agree on one thing. He enjoyed their match as well, because he won, so they would do it again tonight. Knox promised that Kane would be leaving a broken monster, but no worries, he'd come to the hospital with Kane. Kane grabbed Knox by the throat, which led Knox to say that choking caused "extreme euphoria" in the body. Kane, quite possibly creeped out, let go of Knox and left. JeriShow (eventually) def. Eric Escobar in a "What a silly girl! How could you forget such a big dude?" handicap match As Eric came out, we went back to last week as we saw Escobar's non-apology to Vickie and his subsequent beating by The Hart Dynasty. As Jericho came out, we went back to RAW as JeriShow took DX apart and left them laying. They got nose to nose and Jericho slapped Escobar, but Escobar came back with a pair of clotheslines before taking it to the corner Jericho blocked a charge after a whip across, but he ran into a Sky High for a 2 count. Escobar clotheslined Jericho out the ring. Vickie Guerrero appeared on stage to excuse herself. Y'see, in her rage earlier, she forgot to mention something about the match. It was a handicap match and Jericho was the one getting a partner. And natura-diddly, it was Big Show. In a nice touch, as Big Show sauntered down the aisle, Escobar rolled Jericho back in and pinned him, but only scored a 2 count. Escobar continued to punch on Jericho but as Big Show took his place on the apron, Jericho was able to come back before tagging the big man in. Show ran Escobar down before hitting the Hog Log. Jericho tagged back in and locked on the Walls Of Jericho off a trip, forcing Escobar to tap. ---------- 5.5/10 - Very short, but OK. Escobar apparent punishment continues. Would have liked to have seen some sort of follow up to last week with the Hart Dynasty though. But then again, it is JeriShow who are the ones with a PPV match to sell, and the promo afterwards did that pretty well, even if it didn't exactly cover new ground. ---------- Jana: For all that Escobar gets reamed for being a bad rip-off of Razor Ramon, he really isn't that bad. His music is actually pretty cool. Unbelievable heat on Vickie Guerrero here. Big Show is so massive in real life. TV really doesn't do him justice. Jericho grabbed a mic to guarantee the end of DX and the demise of the DX army because TLC was more about title to them. It was about wiping out DX and curing all the hypocrites of the disease DX had infected us with. They would change DX's lives for the worse, using tables, ladders, chairs and his most lethal weapon of all, Big Show. Big Show took over and told to HHH & HBK to remember their faces and understand that they were the end of DX. Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me At The Equinox - Twilight New Moon We saw a pretty angry Drew McIntyre walking the halls. In terms of being a drunk and a bit racist, Mel Gibson made for a pretty accurate (West coast) Scot. Suffice to say though, even John Morrison does the accent better... McIntyre came out to the ring and got himself a mic. He wondered why Vince McMahon himself personally signed him to a contract, proclaimed him as a future World Champion and yet, he's not on the cover of the current WWE magazine with "Tomorrow's Champions", and yet John Morrison (along with Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne) is??? John Morrison, the guy he beat last week! Look here's the proof! Cut to replay of last week's match. You're joking, right? You believe in John Morrison??? Why? Because he's an American? Because he can do a flip or two? Because he's IC Champion? Well, not for long. A "USA" chant got going as Drew said the idea of JoMo winning at TLC is as fictitious as some Scottish tales like the Loch ness Monster or Mel Gibson's Braveheart. After Sunday, Morrison won't be "Tomorrow's Champion". He won't be a champion at all. At this point, some moody Scottish bagpipes kicked in, and Morrison came out dressed like William Wallace, with the face paint and kilt. Still did his own entrance though, which was great! He also had a word and shield with him, although the left the shield outside the ring, bringing in the sword. He got on the mic and in his best Scottish accent, said Drew shouldn't make fun of William Wallace. Gibson won the OSCAR, and Drew talking about the IC Title was one thing, but William Wallace wouldn't stand for disrespect. Drew said he was being ridiculous. He wasn't William Wallace, he was John Morrison. Is this a joke? Morrison said Drew was a joke. It wasn't because he was Scotland that the people hated him, it was because they couldn't understand anything Drew said! Drew said this kind of joking would get Morrison hurt, so it's time he should take McIntyre seriously. Morrison, unintentionally, but quickly, falling into an Irish brogue, said that he didn't realise this was the serious episode of Smackdown, with Drew self-proclaiming himself The Chosen One. Is that because your head is so far up Vince McMahon's arse that his nose is covered in crap? Drew went to get in his face, but Morrison held the sword in the way, although it looked a little like he accidentally cut himself with it, as it bonked on his head and he looked at it as if to say "F**k me, that is actually sharp!" Morrison then made a bunch of jokes involving Drew doing various things for legends. He then paraphrased Braveheart, by saying Drew make take his life, but he wouldn't take the IC Title. Drew demanded Morrison stop making fun of him and his culture. He had been trying hard to maintain his composure and wait until Sunday to hurt him. Drew dared Morrison to lose the sword and fight him like a real man. Morrison put the sword down and dropped the accent, to ask Drew why he thought he could strut around only because some crazy old man gave him an endorsement. The only endorsement JoMo wanted was the one from the crowd. And he thought they authorised him to give Drew he deserved. And he didn't get dressed up for nothing. Morrison got a few blows in on Drew, but McIntyre was able to get away and take refuge in the front row. Morrison's music played and he posed in the corner. Jana: Some people will complain about this, but it played beautifully live. As soon as the cheesy bagpipe music played, you just knew something fun was going to happen. Yes, it was utter silliness, but it was the fun kind. Morrison has the charisma to pull off something like this, and it gave off the same vibe as when Edge and Christian used to bother Kurt Angle. It was the little touches, like McIntyre actually reacting to the sword as though it were not only real, but that Morrison could effectively use it, that really made it work. Everybody around me was laughing and enjoyed it. We cut to Matt Striker and the Legend That Is Todd Grisham, who talked about Batista and Rey, sending it a video of their Survivor Series match. Kane def. Mike Knox in an "I hope Mike finds euphoria in losing a lot, because that's what he's doing right now!" match We came back for Kane's entrance, followed by Mike Knox, who Grisham noted may have creeped Kane out earlier. We saw the finish of last week as well here. Lots of replays of last week tonight. Not complainin', just sayin'. Knox got the upperhand to start with , but Kane scored with a big boot. Knox rolled out the ring and then dropped Kane on the top rope. He ran back into the ring, but ran into a chokeslam attempt, but he countered that with a Big Boot. Striker, all but, noted David Carridine and Michael Hutchence's deaths by auto-erotic asphyxiation in reference to Knox's speech earlier about choking. Knox worked over Kane in the corner, hitting some punches before driving in a shoulder and hitting a splash. a big splash on the mat though met with Kane's knees. Kane hit the seated dropkick for a 2 count. Kane hit a clothesline in the corner followed by the sidewalk slam for another 2 count. Kane went up, but Knox avoided the clothesline and hit the running crossbody as Kane got up for a close 2 count. As Knox looked for the Knox Out, Kane countered into a chokeslam for another win. ---------- 6/10 - Decent enough match. I'm actually pretty interested to see where they go with this, as I don't imagine it's gonna end here. ---------- Grisham sent it to and edited version of the DX vignette from RAW where they hawked all their s**t. Never mind the slippers, they should have had HBK in the SNUGGIE! Yes, there's a snuggie. Linkin Park - A New Divide - Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen Mickie James & Maria def. Michelle McCool & Layla in a "Who was Maria's boyfriend again?" match We returned as Mickie and Maria came out. And who exactly is doing Maria's hair? Because they need to get gone as of yesterday. We again went back to last week as we saw how Mickie won the title shot and then Maria's return to get rid of Michelle & Layla. And speaking of the devils, they again came out in their Piggie James tops, while Striker said he wanted one, in a men's size that is. Maria and Michelle started things off, as she got the better of things with armdrags, but was herself caught with a side slam. Maria was snapmared over and was hit with a couple of knees to the back for a 2 count. She knocked Mickie off the apron, drawing her in, and allowing the heels to cheat to work over Maria. Maria scored with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors before making the tag to Mickie. Michelle scrambled over to Layla, not wanting a piece of James. James slammed Mickie down by the hair, but she was hit with a Thesz Press. Michelle took a swing, but missed. Layla charged, but Mickie side-stepped it and Layla shouldered Michelle in the ribs. Mickie rolled Layla up on the rebound for the three count. ---------- 5.5/10 - Decent enough short match. At least they didn't particularly blow anything and they had the right result for building to the PPV, with the challenger pinning the heel's lackey. ---------- Michelle was livid after the match, especially with Layla. They then pimped the main event again, with Striker for the first time, noting that Batista's indemnity waiver was still in place. Jana: Mickie James was extremely over, and Maria basically rode that. No one really seemed to care about Michelle McCool or Layla. At least Layla knows something about working a crowd. McCool is a complete Skanky McUseless. Layla and Mickie actually carried the match. When Layla carries the matches for your champion, that's a bad sign. The RAW Rebound went over Mark "I'M OUT OF MY MIND!" Cuban's night as Guest Host. Damn fine show this week, hitting every right button for the PPV and had a great host. Can't say I know much about Dennis Miller other than he makes even more obscure references than Matt Striker and that he was once on Monday Night Football for a season. Timbaland in a couple of weeks should be fun though, although I can't see him doing what Cuban did, even though Timbaland is a wrestling fan himself. Back in the arena, Grisham and Striker gave it the final sell in the middle of the ring. I think JR is right, and this could be a sleeper event in that it's could be AWESOME~!, but it might not get it's due. M.I.A. - Paper Planes - Pineapple Express (I would be remiss to note this also features on the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack, and that is actually a pretty good film...) Batista def. Rey Mysterio in a "Given that this match was on "his terms", I hope it went the way Rey planned it to..." Street Fight With their entrances either side of a commercial break, the match began with Rey getting some shots in, only to run into a big clothesline. After being whipped hard into the corner and hit with a boot while seated, Mysterio went with kicks, but again, he ran into Batista, only this time meeting his elbow. Batista hit a scoop slam before paintbrushing the back of Rey's head. However, Mysterio slipped out another slam and dropkicked Batista into 619 position. Batista slipped to the outside, but Rey played cat and mouse with Dave, hitting a pair of dropkicked while Batista was on the floor. The tide had very much turned when we picked things up as Batista was stretched Rey's back round the ringpost. During the break, Batista had ducked a seated senton from the apron before he sent Rey into the steps. Back live, Rey was whipped with a camera cable. Mysterio was dropped on the announce table, face-first. Back in the ring, Batista locked in something of a camel clutch, before squatting down on Rey's back. Mysterio was whipped off the ropes, and he telegraphed the backdrop, but Batista came back with a hellish clothesline. Batista grabbed a chair and laid it on the mat. He went for the Batista Bomb, but Mysterio fought out and hit a drop toe hold onto the chair. He hit a springboard seated senton before dropkicking Batista position before hitting the 619. He hit a springboard splash, but only scored a 2 count. Rey grabbed the chair and hit a chairshot to the back, but as Rey was about to swing, Batista hit a spear. Batista then hit a spinebuster before grabbing the chair and smacking Rey in the head with it for the pin. ---------- 6.5/10 - A pretty good, but relatively short, match to keep Batista looking strong and I like that he hit one chairshot to end it, because it puts over how "dangerous" the chair match could be on Sunday, with someone of Batista's power in there. ---------- After the match, Batista grabbed the chair again and put it round Rey's neck (at the same time, just about pulling Rey's mask off in the process) before heading to the second rope. However, just as he was about to jump off, the lights went out and when they came back on, Rey was gone and Undertaker was in. Taker went to town on Batista with fists of furious anger, but as Taker grabbed the chair, Batista bailed and out of Taker's grasp. Taker sent a message by doing his throat slit as the show went off the air. Jana: This is what everybody was waiting for. Mere words do not do justice to the level of reaction that Rey got here. A guy in front of me had a sign that read "I Was Bullied by Batista." Match-wise, it wasn't much of a street fight. The bulk of it was in the ring, and both guys were dressed in wrestling gear. That's not to dismiss the match, it was good. It just wasn't much of a street fight until the chairs came out. The one person who got more massive cheers than Rey was Undertaker. Once Batista got the win over Rey and placed Rey's neck in the chair, chants for Taker were roof-shaking. When he actually appeared in the ring to go after Batista, the entirety of the Toyota Center went completely insane. The heat from the flames that blocked Batista from exiting up the ramp was intense. OVERALL - 7/10 (+/-0 on last week) - A pretty decent show this week. Nothing to blow anyone away, but I think it did all the right things heading into the PPV, with a very fun Morrison/McIntyre segment, a match which for obvious reasons I have high hopes for, a nice spot of build in the lead up for the Women’s Title match and a hot finish with Undertaker and Batista. Can't particularly say fairer than that. Not an unmissable show this week by any means, but hey, it was certainly no Impact! Good luck on trebling that rating Hulkster! Jana: In the post-show dark match, Punk was in full chickens**t heel mode, and it was glorious. He actually tried to "go Old School," but Taker stopped him. When Taker did it, everybody exploded like a drummer from Spinal Tap. Hey, some things are still crazy impressive live, and Taker walking the ropes is one of those things. When Taker countered Punk into the Last Ride, it was a thing of beauty. A World title match right before a PPV is a given in the outcome, but it was still a really good match. Everyone was chanting "Undertaker!" My brother and I countered with chants of "CM Punk!" We were loud enough that all the little kids in sections around us turned and stared. One kid was there for his birthday. What an awesome present! Overall, I totally got my money's worth out of this show, and it's worth the exhaustion today. I'm psyched about TLC, and actually want to watch a WWE PPV for the first time in ages. Aaron did not have the best day today. Not that anything particularly bad happened, but it's more annoying than anything. His chair was frozen over first thing this morning, since the sun doesn't hit his street until the late morning/afternoon, and since he's still not got any sort of "Car preparedness" kit, he had to scrape off the main ice with a wooden spatula from the kitchen. And then, when he got to the supermarket and parked up, he realised he forgot his supply of bags to take the shopping (Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!) and then when he stepped out of the car and round the front, he fell on some ice. Not the greatest five minutes of his life, that. Also, since returning from New York, his Internet, has been, shall we say, acting like a douche. Constantly "going to sleep". Not actually disconnecting the connection as a whole, but just not doing anything. He can only imagine it's his ISP, since the mobile broadband on his laptop, as cost ineffective as it is, isn't doing it with the same programs on both machines. That said, when he's wanted to use the net o play Modern Warfare 2 on his PS3 (which he has been kicking ass recently with), it's been pretty much fine. And the PC could do with taking retirement anyway, but that means another load of money being spent. So for that and other reasons, he won't be covering TLC on Sunday, although he is looking forward to it, especially after the kickass RAW on Monday. Damn, this has been a long outro... You can find him either on Facebook, MySpace(myspace.com/aaron24wood), or on Twitter(twitter.com/aaron24wood). And don't forget to check out the ClubWWI Twitter feed while you're there. Or if you're into gaming, Aaron's Playstation Network screen name is, you guessed it, aaron24wood as well!
Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on...
Lance
Cade D-Ray
3000 Bobby
Eaton Manny
Fernandez Greg Gagne Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Harley
Race Dave Taylor
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