Smackdown
Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: If You Didn't Like Last Week's Main Event, Then I'm Afraid I Have Some Bad News For You...
By Aaron Wood
Dec 18, 2009 - 6:56 PM

Hello my Gathering, first things first, it seems as though my "theme" last week of good songs from bad movies proved rather controversial as some of you out there seemed to disagree with what I deemed a bad film.  Those who wrote in about one movie in particular said that it must have been good, because it was a sequel to a highly successful film and had a good mythology to it.  And they also harped on about how the stars were actual actors and not just there for their looks and all that horses**t.  Well, let me just say that Charlie's Angels 2:  Full Throttle SUCKED BALLS.  END.  OF.  STORY.

Also, once again, thanks to Jana Bulloch for her extra coverage on the show last week.  Indeed, I did get an e-mail calling for her to take over full time, but then again, it was from a "Mr. C. Bulldog", so I'm thinking it was more a slight at me than Jana.  That said, you really should check out her Impact reviews.  I would point you in the direction of this week's one, but it was JG who wrote that, so there'd be little point.

Anyway, on with this week's show and since it's Xmas (although as I discovered in preparing for this week's show, they are running a regular episode of Smackdown next week.  You know...XMAS DAY!!!!), I'm obviously doing Xmas songs.  However, I, as always, have a little twist to a normal idea.  You see there is one band in particular, who for the last 4 years have, for the charity (RED), recorded and released a Xmas song.  Indeed, some have said they are the best British band to have actually come from America (or something like that), Las Vega's own, The Killers!

Oh yes, but one last thing...  RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOR UK XMAS NUMBER ONE!

LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN:  There were 2 Scotsman on the show, Mike Knox managed to give Kane the creeps, Eric Escobar couldn't pin Jericho in time to prevent his own death and Batista showed Rey Rey that indemnity waivers and street fights don't mix...

THIS WEEK…
We kick off this week with a recap of the Chairs match from TLC.  Again, I'm obliged and grateful to Jana for covering that.  Saw the important bits of the show the following night.  Pretty fun all in all.  But let's focus on the chairs here.  We saw how Batista seemed to win, but thanks to the unlawful nut shot, the match was restarted and Undertaker took the title back.

Rey's right, you don't need to be 6'5" and jacked.  You can be 3'0" like Rey.  You still have to be jacked though...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  No opening credits this week, and so, for what must be the first time since in a few months that we've had a cold open.  And why did we end this streak?  Well, TONY THE CHIM~! introduced Teddy Long.  They broke it for Teddy Long...  Anyway, the Legend That Is Todd Grisham said Long was "slowly becoming the most controversial General Managers of all time", noting Montreal 2k9 and then last Sunday.  Long said that on Sunday, undertaker successfully defended his title against Batista.  Since Dave wasn't successful, we'd be determining a new No.1 Contender tonight...

Deacon Dave came out for a bitching session.  He said there was no need to find a new contender because he was right there.  He was robbed on Sunday and was told to "make it right", and this wasn't "making it right", so this would be the last time he would be told.  No one would want to face him anyway, so Thaddeus is giving him another title shot.  Do ya hear me?  He's the No. 1 Contender...

BOOYAKAH!  Rey Mysterio came out, coming right off of the lesbian farm.  Seriously, he was right up there with HBK in the "bad looking clothes that should probably be on a country woman right now" stakes.  Hey Dave?  You said there was no-one back there that wanted to face him?  WRONG!  Y'see, you don't need to be 6 foot 5 and jacked up with muscle to be champion.  I now refer you to the headline of the segment.  Rey said since Batista thought that since he dressed "fly" and wanted a spotlight on him, he thought he was "the man"?  No, he was just a bully.  You see, Batista always saw him as a little guy.  He never saw what was inside of him and that was heart.  His conclusion was that the best way to get at Dave was to make sure he never held the World Title again.  So, how about them getting it on tonight?

Long stepped in and said that tonight Batista would go one on one with Rey and that would determine the No. 1 Contender.  But this is a straight match.  No chairs, playa!  You can win by pin, countout submission or DQ.  How very nice of them to go over how a NORMAL match worked, huh?  But not only would the winner become No. 1 Contender, but they would get a special Xmas present next week (you know, since there's an actual show next week and not just Grisham and Striker in the stands taking us through the best of the year...) when they got their title at Undertaker.  Man, what a sh**y gift that is.  An asskicking by Undertaker.  Whatever happened to gift vouchers?


A Great Big Sled

THE NEW SCOTTISH INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, DREW McINTYRE~!~!~!, CM Punk & Luke Gallows def. Matt Hardy R-Truth & John Morrison in a ""So, not only doe Punk need a bodyguard, but needs a weapon to win matches now???" match
Morrison came out first, and it has to be said, he looked rather naked without the IC belt.  He was followed by Matt Hardy and then...



Next out was MA BOY~! Drew McIntyre, showing off his nice new belt as we saw still pictures of how Morrison thumbed the eye and hit the newly-named Scot Drop for the win.  Punk & Gallows were out next, with Punk carrying his Slammy award.  Striker said that Gallows was "The Detoxed Disciple".  They say everyone in the world has their natural enemy.  Indeed, I have Canadian Bulldouche.  Well, I think Brutus Beefcake now has his.  The Detoxed Disciple vs. The Constantly F**king Hammered On Booze & Drugs While Hanging & Banging With Hogan Disciple.

Punk & Hardy started things off, as the crowd were behind Matt early.  Suffice to say this led him to more or less immediately tag out.  However, Punk took Truth into the corner where Drew tagged in.  Truth telegraphed a back drop and kicked Drew in the chest before tagging in Morrison.  Morrison drew Luke in the ring before hitting McIntyre with a Side Russian and then the Standing Shooting Star Press for a 2 count.  McIntyre rolled outside the ring as we took a break.

We came back with Morrison in control of Punk.  Morrison was pushed out of a side headlock, but he hit a jumping heel kick.  While Gallows had the ref distracted again, Morrison, who was on the apron, knocked Punk down in the ring, only to be kicked down off the apron himself by McIntyre.  Back in the ring, Morrison was worked over in the heel corner.  Morrison got a shot in on McIntyre but didn't see the tag to Gallows, who booted JoMo down as he laid in shots.  He then hit a second big boot, before locking in a front chancery.  McIntyre tagged back in, and he knocked Morrison down for a near fall.  He put Morrison in an armbar, but Morrison armdragged out of it.  He was cut off form the tag though.  Morrison tried to reach over, but Drew hooked the leg better and tagged in Gallows.  He worked over Morrison a little more before Punk tagged in.  The pair put Morrison in a headstand position before kicking the back and stomach at the same time.  Punk locked in a hold before tagging Gallows back in once more.  He hit a neckbreaker for a 2 count before tagging Punk back in.

They hit a backbreaker, knee drop combo with Punk coming off the middle rope for another 2 count on Morrison.  Punk wanted Morrison to get up before looking for the Go To Sleep.  However, Morrison elbowed out of it and tagged in Matt Hardy.  Hardy hit the clothesline/bulldog combo before coming off with the elbow from the second rope.  Side Effect scored Matt a 2 count, but Gallows broke it up.  Truth dumped Luke, but Drew dumped Truth.  Then guess what.  Yep, Morrison took Drew out.  Morrison set himself to dive out onto the rapidly forming pile of bodies, but Punk pulled him off the ropes.  While the ref checked on JoMo, Gallows handed off the Slammy award to Punk, who swung it into Matt's guts for the three count.

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7.5/10 - Very fun 6 man match, with some really athleticism from each of them before pulling out the old staple of the heels using a new found weapon to win it. Good stuff.  One thing though, I'd like to have seen more of McIntyre in this match, given that he's the new IC Champion, but was rather hidden away in deference to the teaming of Punk & Gallows.
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We cut backstage to see Mickie & Maria playing Smackdown vs. RAW backstage when the power cut out  Beth walked in holding the plug.  She was disgusted they were playing games.  This is why you didn't win the title, Mickie!  And Maria, you were crowned Diva of the year (Yeah, don't ask me either...)!  When she won it last year, she was hungry for competition!  And that's why she became the most formidable diva there is.  Mickie said that the WWE Universe disagreed, noting they voted Maria to the award.  Beth told Maria to enjoy the Slammy, but she'd be looking to make sure Maria's return to the show was short-lived.

We came back to a Tribute To The Troops plug, which does actually also air in the UK tomorrow night.  We then cut to DX.  I haven't actually seen this week's RAW, but I'm guessing this came from there.  Now, remember a week or two ago, when they re-ran the last march-hawking spot and I said they should have included the SNUGGLE~!?  Well, guess what, they did here!!!  You know, never mind Mick Foley working the clubs with a stand up comedy act.  I would love to see HBK at least, if not also with HHH, so a set some time.  I think they'd be great.  Well, they couldn't be worse than Horne & Corden...


Don't Shoot Me Santa

However, there was a reason for this video, beyond the last minute shilling for your Xmas dollars.  Next week, the new Unified Tag Champions are coming to Smackdown!

Eric Escobar came out and talked about Vickie being angry with him.  But hey, could you really blame him calling up National Geographic and that he found a Chupacabras after seeing her in her underwear.  Ignoring the Spanish stuff, he said he knew where it was coming from with her, but there was no punishment worse than being in a relationship with her.  Vickie came out, saying she was sick and tired about him saying nasty things about her.  So she brought him a gift.  You see, she remembered it was his birthday, so she has a present.  Well, Eric, if you like things that are big, come in the colour red, and appear in crappy b-movies, then you lucked out my friend, because you got yourself a limited edition life-size Kane with self actuating parts!  Oh no wait, you just got Kane as an opponent.  Sucks to be you my Chupacabras-spotting friend.

Kane def. Eric Escobar in a "Just stick him with Primo to bring back the Puerto Rican Nightmares already!" match
Escobar looked to get the jump on Kane, but was quickly overwhelmed by Kane's power.  He was clotheslined out and rammed off the apron before being rolled back in.  Kane ran into a back elbow and Eric hit a jumping heel kick, but he ran into a big boot, which was followed up by a side slam and chokeslam for the win.

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5/10 - Very short match as these "punishment beatings" continue.  Not saying anything was bad, but was just way short.  Indeed, they seem to get shorter.
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Kane left the ring as Vickie got in to CACKLE~! in his face.  Quite hilarious in itself.  She said that next time he had something to say about her, he'd choose his words more wisely.  Eric agreed.  He had been talking himself into some beating, but he would choose his words.  Vickie, tomorrow, he'd wake up sore, but still standing.  But unfortunately, she'd wake up still looking like that.  Wow.  Never thought I'd see the day when the WWE ripped off British WW2 leader Winston Churchill on a show, but they did!  Vickie demanded the microphone from Eric, but he left chuckling as Vickie, without a mic, quite loudly yelled she had something to say.

Striker once again thanked the band that did the TLC theme as we came back.

The Great Khali def. Chris Jericho by Countout in a "Welcome home, Jericho!  I know you've not exactly been away, but RAW never appreciated you....   Hey, where you going???" match
Jericho, all on his lonesome, but with his Slammy award, came out.  I couldn't help but note that he had something hanging out of his trunks as well.  He took a mic and said he was unfairly ejected from RAW on a technicality because Big Show and himself didn't lose in their rematch against DX.  He was the victim of the biggest screwjob in WWE history.  Yeah, you think Bret isn't coming back at this point???  A conspiracy of epic proportions.  However, while he was embarrassed in front of the hypocrites and parasites, it wasn't over as he would leave RAW when he wanted to.  He was being punished for being the best in the world.  He was ganged up on by GM's and management and other wrestlers.  But worst of all, his best friend had been taken from him, leaving him to fend for himself.  They won the Slammy for the best tag team, but his other half was gone!    He said it was one of the worst moments of his life and career.  But he was sure we loved to see him down and out, but it wasn't over, and he'd continue to dominate Friday nights.

And then The POONjabi Playboy and THOSE 70'S SIDEBURNS~!~!~! were back!  Jericho slipped out at the bell and was reluctant to get back in.  When he did, he went for kicks to the leg, but was caught and hit with a shot to the head.  In the corner, Khali hit a back elbow and stomps to the guts.  This sent Jericho out again, but he dropped Khali off the top rope.  Jericho headed up and came off, but was caught.  Khali called for the Vice Grip, but Jericho ducked out once again.  He headed halfway up the ramp and then part-way through the count decided he was done, taking the loss.

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4/10 - More of an angle here than a proper match, with Jericho bitching about his new position.  It filled time and Jericho was a gold as ever.  That was the important thing.
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Joseph, Better You Than Me

That "History Of The World Title" DVD set look pretty f**king cracking...

The Hart Dynasty def. Slam Master J & Jimmy Wang Yang in a "Good thing Superstars started in the UK last week.  I know how good a match it was then and why it's on here now..." match
The Dynasty came out first, and boy, is the beginning of the year looking to be profitable for them.  Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang Yang came out next.  Jesse & Tyson Kidd started off, with The Slam Master working the arm.  Jimmy Yang tagged in and hit a fast moving headscissors before dumped Kidd out and kicking THE REAL CANADIAN BULLDOG off the apron.  The babyfaces then hit stereo suicide dives onto The Dynasty.  Back in though, Kidd took control and tagged in DH Smith.  Smith hit a very delayed vertical suplex for a 2 count.  Grisham brought up the idea Dennis Miller had of bringing Bret in, but Striker blew him off.  Not like that you filthy children!  Anyway, Smith hit a lovely trio of belly to belly suplexes, the last of which was an overhead one for a 2 count.  Smith rammed a shoulder into Yang's back, but he came out the corner with a tornado DDT.  Yang was able to tag in Slam Master J as Tyson Kidd tagged in.  J ran wild and hit a flying headscissors followed by a lovely Northern Lights suplex with a bridge for a 2 count.  J then hit a dropkick as Kidd was trying a springboard in.  However, as he rolled Kidd in the ring, much like the match on Superstars, Natalya came round and scoop slammed Jesse while the ref was with Yang.  Yang, having been slammed the previous week, got in Natalya's face, but was hit with a baseball slide by Kidd.  SMJ was rolled in and hit with the hart attack for the three count.

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6.5/10 - It certainly wasn't as long as their Superstars match and thusly not as good, but for what it was, it was pretty damn good anyway.  Good to see them building the Harts up.  To be honest, no matter when the titles change hands, I fancy that the "Main event" run of the titles is over with DX, and that the Harts will be the team who take it off them before the belts go back to the midcard.  They seem like the perfect transitional team in that sense.  And a good team to hold onto the belts until they can find their way onto The Dudebusters! ;)
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After replays, Natalya had a mic.  She said revenge was a dish best served cold and after a decade, they finally had a shot at DX.  So next week, while it may be DX's Christmas, it would be their time to celebrate.  David asked what better way there was by ending their final run as tag champions.  Unlike their father's they wouldn't be intimidated and wouldn't back down.  Erm, while British Bulldog was around during the last time DX and the Harts came together, was Anvil there?  And hell, Tyson isn't even related, outside of sticking it Nattie!  Kidd said that this was a new era in the Hart family, and what they wouldn't, or indeed, couldn't do, they would because they were better than the best.

The Smack Of The Night was the Slammy for Diva Of The Year from RAW.

We came back to see Beth leave the locker room when she walked into Michelle & Layla.  Michelle started sucking up to Beth, saying they both wanted to get of Mickie/Piggy and Maria.  They started making fat jokes at Mickie's expense.  Beth blew them off (again, not like that!) saying who would want to see someone who was big built beat them, suggesting she would be going to.

Beth Phoenix def. Maria in a "Well, with Maria back, at least they don't have to ship in jobbers every week..." match
Maria came out with her Slammy, followed by last year's winner.  Beth shoved Maria down, but after whipping Maria across, met boots on a charge.  She caught Maria coming out the corner and slammed her down.  On the apron, Maria got a shoulder in before catching Beth with a cradle for 2.  Maria then got on Beth's shoulders and looked for a Victory Roil, but Beth tossed her off and then hit the Glam Slam for the win.

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6/10 - A nice little match with a clear story of Maria showing some spunk but being ultimately over-powered.  Could turn into a nice angle if they follow it up.
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Beth had a mild shake of the head in celebration.

Grisham sent it to the trailer of The Marine 2.  It actually got a mildly positive review from IGN.  Is suspect it will be as good as it will get on that front.

Back from break, the RAW Rebound looked at the Slammy award winners.  Afterwards, they confirmed that the tag titles would be on the line against the Hart Dynasty while Undertaker was to defend against either Rey Mysterio or Batista.


Happy Birthday Guadalupe

Rey Mysterio def. The Undertaker in a "Well, you gotta credit WWE for trying to make sure next week's show gets literally ZERO viewers..." match to become No. 1 Contender
Mysterio made his way out first before the break.  Afterwards, Batista came out with a slightly adjusted entrance that the lights and lower video screens go out and a spotlight come on that followed him down to the ring.  Rey played cat & mouse early, as you'd have expected, but was inevitably caught and set for the Batista Bomb.  However, Rey grabbed hold of the top rope while going up.  He was tossed to the apron, but Rey dropped Batista on the top rope and hit with a springboard dropkick that sent Batista out.  Rey then hit a springboard seated senton to Batista on the floor.  Batista avoided a baseball slide and hit Rey with a shot.  He rolled Rey in, but Mysterio kicked Batista from the apron.  Mysterio went for an Asai Moonsault, but Batista caught him (just) and drove him into the guard rail as we took a break.

We returned to see Batista working Rey's back over.  He whipped Rey hard into the corner, as Grisham noted that the crowd were chanting "Yes We Can" in Spanish.  And yes, Batista could keep going with the work on the back and he ran Rey's back into the ringpost.  Back in the ring, Rey got some shots in, but was caught with a backbreaker over the knee.  Dave stretched Rey out.  Rey fought out fairly quickly, but ran into a boot for a 2 count.  Rey avoided a charge in the corner, but Batista blocked a roll up attempt.  After some choking in the ropes, Batista whipped Rey off the ropes and hit a BIG clothesline for a close 2 count.

Batista hit a trio of scoop slams before heading up to the second rope.  However, Rey managed to get up quick and looked for a headscissors.  Batista held onto the ropes though, and Rey came down alone.  However, he jumped off the middle rope into a dropkick by Rey.  Batista met a back elbow on a charge, and was then hit with a springboard senton and then a wheelbarrow bulldog for a 2 count.  Basement dropkick by Rey was followed by a springboard leg drop for another deuce.  Batista grabbed Rey, but a slam was countered by a DDT for another 2 count.  Rey set Batista up for the 619 and indeed hit it, but the splash was met with knees.  A powerslam scored yet another 2 count for Batista.  Rey managed to avoid the Batista Bomb, but was hit with the Bossman Slam for a 2 count that saw Rey grab the ropes.  Again, the Batista Bomb was called for, but Rey headscissored out of it, sending Batista out.  Batista went for a chair, but the ref told him not to bother with it, so he hit a spear for a VERY close 2 count instead.  Batista picked up Rey, but Mysterio caught Batista with a cradle for the three count!

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7.5/10 - Really good TV main event here setting up the interesting Rey vs. Taker match next week.  Can't imagine it'll have anything  like a clean finish, but it was a nice surprise to see Rey win in a spot where you would have imagined a predictable Batista win on paper after the first segment.  But indeed, a good match with lots of near falls.
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Rey pulled himself up the ramp, holding onto his ribs, as Batista couldn't believe what had happened as the show ended.

OVERALL - 7.5/10 (+0.5 on last week) - Very fun show that was bookmarked by some really good matches and then had some good stuff in the middle, and indeed, some really good build to next week's show, especially since no-one in their right mind would be watching it.  Of course I will be, but I pretty much had my Xmas by going to New York.  All I have to do for the period at this point is cook the dinner, which I kick so much ass at, it's pretty much routine at this point.  Suffice to say, they suddenly made a show on Christmas night very interesting, particularly with the Harts & DX, especially after this week's Bret news.  I don't think that the Harts will win next week, but I would be willing to place money on them somehow winning them on whichever RAW Bret first appears on.  As it goes, while I'm here, on that note, I would say that Bret should be on the January 11th show, not the Jan 4th show.  WWE has ZERO need to worry about TNA.  They can bury themselves very easily.  The following week sees REAL competition in the form of a live UFC Fight Night.  If I were WWE, I'd be more worried about that.