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Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Daniel Bryan Is Not "A Christian"

By Aaron Wood Dec 23, 2011 - 4:53 PM print


HAPPY XMAS (or Xmas-related holiday) EVERYONE! Yes, unlike last month when we convened, this is actually the show before Christmas. and so, just because 'tis the season, as a little treat ahead of numbers 10 to 6 in my "Most played iTunes tracks of 2011" countdown, I just wanted to post up the as-always awesome Xmas song by The Killers, this year's offering being entitled "The Cowboy's Christmas Ball".


LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Alicia showed Natalya that less was more when it came to hairstyles, Jack Swagger didn't fail for Mark Henry he failed for himself, Just when Jinder thought he can got the upperhand he still got killed and multiple tables were at ringside and yet their only use was to be stood on...

THIS WEEK...
See Cole, THIS is how you bury Daniel Bryan...
This true holiday edition (since it's Xmas Eve Eve) of the show opened up with Big Show coming out. As noted on Sunday, he too now had camouflage on his ring gear. Either this is foreshadowing a tag team with John Cena or he a Copycat Stinkypoo. Cole noted how Big Show ended his 9 year drought as Champion, but spoilsport Mark Henry laid him out and Daniel Bryan cashed in.

Big Show was chipper enough though. OK, he thought he'd World Champion. But he's not, and Daniel Bryan is the new champion. He was going to ask Bryan out in a minute, but he wanted to address something first. Folk had been asking him about it took him 9 years to get the title back, and he was there. He clawed and scratched and when Henry says he's the World's Strongest Man, he is. And when he got there, he was so proud to be World Champion, but just like that, it was gone.

He said he was feeling mixed emotions, and then on RAW, Josh asked him a question. We saw the clip of Josh noting that he had the shortest World Title reign in history, which got our lead announcer this evening a staredown and walk off. Big Show said he was proud of himself. Because he held it together. He had thought about it and wanted to give his honest feelings.

However, Mark Henry came out to interrupt. As Cole noted, he was dressed to compete. I mean, wise move on Henry's part. I mean, you never know when you might be a former champion going to get into the ring with another former champion, giving Teddy Long the chance to book the two against each other to face the new champion. You just never know. So indeed, good idea on Henry's part. Just in case, you know...

Proud, Big Show? Proud of what? The shortest reign in history? That's going on his tombstone. Here lies The Big Show, the man with the shortest reign in the history of the WWE. Let the guy who had "Sexual Chocolate" chanted at him on Monday tell you how you should feel. Embarrassed. Humiliated. That's how Henry feels! So take the week off and quit the business! It's the holiday season, so you could be a Santa Claus. Henry said he wanted his rematch tonight. See? Forethought...

Daniel Bryan came out, and took in the crowd cheering for him. Bryan said Big Show couldn't believe he was World Heavyweight Champion. He was sure Henry couldn't believe it either. In fact, there probably wasn't anyone in the arena who fully believes he's champion. Even himself! He fronted up to Henry and noted that he's not the World's Strongest Man. Not even as strong as most of the guys in the back. He fronted up to Show and (after initially fluffing the line somehow) noted that not only wasn't he the world's tallest athlete, but he was one of the shortest guys in the company.

He wasn't the fastest. He wasn't the smartest. He didn't have a cool name. The guy with "Sooner Or Later Everyone Taps" on his shirt didn't have any catchphrases, no discernible charisma, just told he wasn't attractive and nothing about him that screams WWE Superstar. Wow. That was some self-burial. Your WWE World Champion is just a guy! Says so himself!

However, at least Daniel Bryan didn't then thank everyone for listening and leave. He pointed out he was a very good wrestler and hoped to be one of the great ones. And despite what he's not, he WAS the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. Mark Henry noted that every time he laid hands on Bryan, he gave him a doing. He wanted the title back and wanted it tonight. Big Show jumped in and pointed out that Big Show knocked him out and won on Sunday!

Henry said he remembered. Everyone remembered, from the production crew to the fans. They all saw it. All 45 seconds of it. With that slamming zinger, this man's musc played...


As it goes, Thaddeus said both Show & Henry deserved a shot at Daniel Bryan. However, first, they were going to compete against each other. The winner would get dibs on Bryan's title. So, good luck to both of ya. Oh yeah, and you, the slow, dumb, boringly named, catchphraseless, uncharismatic, ugly ordinary dude who just so happens to be wearing a gold belt in the ring? Congratulations to ya! No really, Teddy long saying "Well done" to Bryan was a throwaway line. I think he smells a ratings drop from having a Champion that's not Mark Henry and knows he's gonna get that phone call from Johnny Ace giving him shit about it. Or at least a text, knowing Johnny...

Bryan and Big Show had a handshake, although Big Show, in a nice touch, couldn't resist on giving Bryan a painful squeeze. Show laughed it off though. Bryan offered a handshake to Mark Henry, but faked Henry out when he went for it, leaving both Bryan and Big Show to yuk it up.


10: Kaiser Chiefs - "Little Shocks"

Zack Ryder def. Cody Rhodes in a "Lounge singer...there's something Booker could do rather than commentate..." match
Ryder knocked Rhodes down, but Cody tripped him up. Ryder scored with a couple of armdrags, but Cody got back up and took him into the corner. After a whip across, Ryder floated over a charge and hit another armdrag. Cody got out the armlock and hit his brother's uppercut. He tossed Ryder out the ring, but turned his back, only for Zack to run right back in and get the jump. However, after knocking Ryder to the floor. Cody shoved him into Booker before sending him back into the ring as we took a break.

We came back to see the Santino-killing Alabama Slam, but it only picked up a 2 count. That's how far Ryder has come. Once upon a time, he would have fallen to that move too. Booker, in a nice bit of foreshadowing, was now feeling pretty happy and festive, much to Cole's surprise. Ryder got out of a chinlock and ducked a couple of clotheslines, but he whiffed on a crossbody, allowing Rhodes to pick up a 2 count.

Cody locked on a chinlock, but when Ryder fought out of it, they ended up running into each other. Ryder got the better of it when they got back up. Zack, with Cody in the corner, hit a forearm and the Broski Boot, picking up a 2 count. Ryder went to the second rope, but missed on a front dropkick. As Cody punched him, Booker said he was feeling in the holiday spirit. He grabbed a live mic and started singing "Cody The Red Nosed Reindeer". This distraction for Cody allowed Zack to recover and hit the Rough Ryder for the victory.

After the match, Booker decided to sing some more to mock Rhodes. Cole was going nuts while Josh was losing his shit. We cut backstage to see Long watching the TV when Santino Marella walked in with his stupid-ass Cobra sleeve. Santino said since Zack was now US Champion, he surely didn't have the time to be Long's assistant. And he wanted to apply. FUCK NO! Jesus no. Seriously, if they're sticking Marella on this show...well, you've all watched MIke Johns's TNA review Of 2011, right? Well, imagine that level of batshit ranting. Times 2.

Anyway, Aksana's music and lighting kicked in, and at least to Santino's credit, he noticed something was up with this. Teddy introduced Santino, noting he was applying for the Assistant position. Aksana said that she knew many positions and if Long ever needed any relief, he just needed to ask her for a hand. You know. BECAUSE SHE'S A WHORE! Santino's cobra got erect when she left. Thankfully, I'm not making a double entendre. It went flaccid again when Vickie Guerrero walked in the room with Dolph Ziggler.

Long noted Ryder's match and win just now. Vickie said that somehow, the stars aligned on Sunday. Ziggler told Long he'd demand his rematch soon enough. Don't know why they're telling Teddy this. Ziggler is a RAW guy. Ryder is a RAW guy. The belt is a RAW belt. Long is the Smackdown GM... Ziggler noted what Bryan had said earlier, saying he was all the things Bryan said he wasn't. And said if Long wanted to put the "good" Bryan against a "great" wrestler, why not put one (himself) against him to show Bryan how "good" he is. Long loved the idea.


09: White Lies - "Holy Ghost"

So...I guess Big Show wins by forfeit?
Before the opening bell rang, David Otunga made his way out, wearing the usual Argyle sweater and thermos coffee mug, to both Henry & Show's confusion. He said he was there on John Laurinaitis's behalf, as he was, as Exec. VP of Talent Relations was responsible for all the Superstars. He said the match wouldn't be taking place as Henry wasn't cleared to wrestle, as his ankle injury had somehow led to an increase in blood pressure. He spoke on, but while he wasn't looking, Big Show hit a legit WMD on Otunga's jaw bone.

No, seriously. This was a legit undefended right hand punch. MASSIVE respect to Otunga for taking it. Because Big Show didn't look like he was holding that much back. In replay, you could see how Otunga's jaw moved. Henry and then Show left without any sort of resolution to it.

Back from break, Teddy Long was walking the halls for no discernible reason, when Miz showed up for no discernible reason. Well, actually, that's a lie. He said he was told to show up. However, Teddy protested ignorance to this notion. Miz went off saying this was why Laurinaitis was running circles round Long. He claimed that since he won the WWE Title in 2010, not once has Smackdown main evented a PPV, while he had been in 5, including Wrestlemania. So, he was gonna walk out to the ring, disrupt the show and not let anyone compete. Long said he'd see about that. Miz told him to find Sheamus a guy and send him out to face him.


08: The Wombats - "Our Perfect Disease"

We returned to see Miz in the ring. He showed footage of him taking out R-Truth and then John Morrison. Love how that run ended up a total of 2. Anyone? Anyone at all? Nope? Well, isn't the Smackdown locker room a bunch of cowards. It has no guts and no face, with someone with the ability to do the mainstream stuff he does. Eventually, Sheamus' music interrupted this. Miz somehow clearly didn't expect this to happen.

Sheamus def. The Miz in a "Going by the Teddy Long chart, this should be Orton, but he's busy later, so..." match
Miz hit some shots, but Sheamus kept telling to do it again, before putting Miz down for a 2 count. Miz caught Sheamus on the apron and worked the arm, making it his focus. He hit his clothesline in the corner and pair of boots to Sheamus. A DDT picked up a 2 count. He worked over Sheamus in the corner, before going for the clothesline again when Sheamus stood up. However, Sheamus telegraphed it with an axe handle. He hit the Irish Curse, but the arm work by Miz saw Sheamus unable to hit the Celtic Cross. Miz tried the Skull Crushing Finale, but Sheamus shrugged him off and hit a Brogue Kick for the win. Much shorter than I'd have imagined.

Randy Orton & Wade Barrett give a new meaning to Water Sports...
Wade Barrett came out after the ads. By the way, if you haven't seen Wade Barrett Stalking The Shitty WWE.com Interviewer then click the link RIGHT NOW and watch it, and then come back and in the comments box below, DARE to try and say Wade isn't the friggin' MAN. Anyway, Wade cued up the footage of his successes over Orton in the last month. He said that he deserves to be in line for a title shot against Daniel Bryan.

He went to leave, but Orton ran out and commenced a brawl with Wade. He went for the RKO in the ring, but Wade pushed off and ran to the back. But this wasn't over for Orton, who ended up giving chase. We cut backstage where the brawl continued on through the halls. They ended up in the parking garage. There was, awesomely, a vending machine in the background. However, this brawl didn't end to the right of it. Orton sent Wade into some mesh a few times before kicking him over a barrier. Now time for a quiz.

Q: With his hated rival down on all fours in the parking garage, what did Randy Orton do next? Did he:
a) Punt the head off of Wade Barrett, ending things once and for all and get the final victory?
b) Take any manner of possible majorly offensive weapon and use it to take out Wade?
c) Spy a water hose and spray Wade with it a bit, with Wade actually selling for this impromptu shower?
d) SHNITSKY!!!
e) Yes.

If you answered a, b, d or e then this is your reward...


And yes, you deserve to listen to all 10 minutes straight.

After this washing, Orton tossed Wade over a table and then dumped a bin's contents on top of him. Great. Wash him and THEN make him dirty. He then dumped Wade on a car before hitting the RKO on the hood to finally end this. We saw a graphic for the main event, but it was, for some reason, announcer-less.


07: Arctic Monkeys - "The Blond-O-Sonic Shimmer Trap"

Kofi Kingston def. Primo in a "At least the Smackdown announcers know Carlito is fired..." match
We came back to the "Prophetless" video, which then went back into the show as we saw Epico, Primo and Rosa in the ring, awaiting Kofi, who naturally came out with Evan. Primo started off hot, taking Kofi down with shots. He locked on a wacky Octopus submission on the mat, but Kofi managed to get out. Primo hit a nice legsweep, following with a leg drop and elbow drop. Kofi managed to avoid a corner charge, which got him started on his comeback. The Superman shots missed, but he hit a crossbody off the ropes for a 2 count. He hit the pendulum kick. Kofi went up top, but an Epico distraction allowed Primo to hit an armdrag off of there for a 2 count. As Primo was in discussion with Epico and Rosa, he turned around and walked into the Trouble IN Paradise out of nowhere for the win.

They played a video package putting over CM Punk, Zack Ryder & Daniel Bryan all being champions. God-damned kickass video, actually. That said, I do question them using a shot of a sign saying "Daniel O'Brien". Don't get me wrong, I'm not being cynical enough to say that they put this shot in there to implicitly say that the fans are so not into Bryan that they can't spell his name right. I'm just saying that it was lacking in quality control. Maybe the shitty WWE.com interviewer put this together? I mean, other than that, this was a great video and put them all over pretty well.

Daniel Bryan & Dolph Ziggler went to a No Contest in a "Where's Jack Swagger to back up his running buddy Dolph? That said, it'd be unfair on Bryan. UI dunno. I guess Big Show is still his friend for now. As long as they don't get too involved to the point where their participation would be integral to the match in hand..." match
We started off with some chain wrestling. Ziggler went for a leapfrog, but Bryan ducked down and grabbed the leg, turning it into a Mexican surfboard. Bryan let it go, but before he could lock on something else, Ziggler made the ropes. Bryan missed a dropkick, allowing Ziggler to take control. He did the situps spot he did on Sunday, but tonight, it was almost turned into the LeBell Lock. Bryan whipped Ziggler across into a corner, but Dolph avoided the charge and hit an inverted slam for a 2 count.

Mr. Ziggles hit a dropkick upon our return before he put on a chinlock. Bryan got out of it, and the pair clotheslined each other down. Apropos of not very much, Jack Swagger made his way down to the ring. Bryan elevated Ziggler out to the floor and then hit a suicide dive onto Dolph. With the ref looking the other way, Swagger knocked down Daniel O'Brien.

Giving no wonder to how Swagger was now on the other side of the ring and that Bryan was suddenly laid out on the floor, Scott Armstrong started a count. As it goes, Swagger's actions drew out Big Show as Dolph rolled Bryan back in the ring. Ziggler looked for the sleeper, but Bryan shook him off and then hit Doug Williams' Chaos Theory (Roll up moving into a rolling German suplex) for a 2 count. Bryan hit a count kicks, but Ziggler tired the ZigZag, Bryan somehow managed to avoid it (although it looked like he was supposed to take it and it was botched). It wasn't a botch however, as Bryan used the whiff on Ziggler's part to hit the third kick to the head for a 2 count.

Bryan put Ziggler up top, but had his Frankensteiner turned into a sunset flip for a 2 count. The Fameasser also picked up a 2 count. Ziggler then put Bryan up top, but he slipped under Dolph and crotched him before hitting a back superplex. Ziggler had to put his foot on the bottom rope to break the count.

Swagger went round the ring to try and take out Big Show, but Show wasn't for it, chasing Swagger into the ring. He teased a chokeslam before Teddy Long ran down to ringside. He said he was turning the match into a tag team match. You can guess the teams. Or read the headline that makes up the next sentence.


06: The Wombats - "Anti-D"

Daniel Bryan & Big Show def. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger in a "The Teddy Long Chart works after all!" match
We came back from break as Swagger tried to work a waistlock on Show, only to have it reversed and get taken down. Show then worked a side headlock takedown. In the corner, he hit some shots to Swagger, before he scrambled away and tagged himself out. Show cornered Ziggler and hit a couple of punches to the gut and a big chop to the chest. Show kept looking to Bryan, seemingly sending some sort of message.

He tagged Bryan in and told him to finish Ziggler. He hit a flurry of kicks to the chest in the corner, but after a whip across, whiffed on a dropkick. Ziggler made a tag to Swagger, who hit the Swagger Bomb for a 2 count. Bryan went for a wheelbarrow move on Swagger, but it was blocked and Bryan was put on the top rope in the Tree Of Woe. As the ref backed Swagger up, Ziggler yanked on Bryan's leg over the rope. Swagger & Ziggler worked over Bryan's legs. After cutting Bryan off from making a tag, Ziggler went for a sleeper. However, Bryan ran Dolph into the corner, actually sending him flying out of the ring.

Rather than keep Bryan cut off, Ziggler made the tag to Swagger, which in turn allowed Bryan to tag in Big Show. Show ran wild on the pair of them, but when he wanted the chokeslam on Swagger, Jack got out and took out a leg. Bryan tagged himself in. While he missed on a missile dropkick, with Swagger grabbing the legs and putting on the Ankle Lock, Bryan managed to turn it into the LeBell Lock, which drew the submission.

As Bryan celebrated in the ring, Big Show stood on the outside watching on. He wasn't pissed off, but he wasn't exactly the happiest of men. Bryan noted off mic he was World Champion and Cole predicted doom as the show ended.

OVERALL - Fine enough show. It's focus was basically to establish that Daniel Bryan was the new World Champion, this being the first show on his brand since the PPV, and it did it pretty much successfully. Only gripe I had was him ragging on his own inadequacies. Even then, it was how he said it, not what he said. If he had said "Some say I'm not X and some say I'm not Y" and so on, instead of "I'm not the X and I'm not the Y", I wouldn't have had a problem with that riff, if at all. That said, I'd have preferred for Bryan to call himself a "great" wrestler right away (could have said "aspiring to be legendary"), rather than just good. It just felt to me that despite everything else about how he was presented on the show that that riff didn't make him look all that good at all and thus didn't give a casual viewer a reason to buy into him. Almost felt like Bryan was believing Cole's "hype" of him.

I recently bought WWE '12 (since it was heavily discounted new) and this was like something from the Road To Wrestlemania mode, where Ryder got to a certain point, but rather than try and finish in the usual way (Broski Boot into the Rough Ryder), he had to press Y and get the cut-scene of the wacky occurrence instead. Didn't exactly help get Ryder over as he wasn't in a winning position when Booker ended up interfering, and it was comedic interference too.

Indeed, (quite possibly because of the vending machine) the Orton/Wade brawl felt very much out of the WWE '12 game as well. It wasn't bad, although it really did get rather one-sided, and I thought the hose bit was stupid. I was disappointed in the Miz/Sheamus match. It felt like an extended squash. I'd have liked it to go a bit longer and be a bit more of a normal match.

That said, as notioned, this was a perfectly acceptable wrestling television show on the whole, and it accomplished it's main job very well, so it's hard to really criticise it.

You can contact Aaron via his personal Facebook or the WWI Fan Page. All he asks is that if you do "friend" him personally that you write a little note noting that you read the reviews.

Or if you are on Twitter, Aaron can be reached at twitter.com/aaron24wood or the WWI Twitter feed at twitter.com/clubwwi.

You can join Aaron in the online gaming world either on the XBox 360 or the superior Playstation 3. Either way, his screen-name is aaron24wood



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