Aaron's UnReal Time Smackdown Review: Daniel Bryan Is Not "A Christian"
By Aaron Wood Dec 23, 2011 - 4:53 PM
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HAPPY
XMAS (or Xmas-related holiday) EVERYONE! Yes, unlike last month when
we convened, this is actually the show before Christmas. and so,
just because 'tis the season, as a little treat ahead of numbers 10
to 6 in my "Most played iTunes tracks of 2011" countdown, I
just wanted to post up the as-always awesome Xmas song by The
Killers, this year's offering being entitled "The Cowboy's
Christmas Ball".
LAST
WEEK ON SMACKDOWN: Alicia showed Natalya that less was
more when it came to hairstyles, Jack Swagger didn't fail for Mark
Henry he failed for himself, Just when Jinder thought he can got the
upperhand he still got killed and multiple tables were at ringside
and yet their only use was to be stood on...
THIS
WEEK... See
Cole, THIS is how you bury Daniel Bryan...
This
true holiday edition (since it's Xmas Eve Eve) of the show opened up
with Big Show coming out. As noted on Sunday, he too now had
camouflage on his ring gear. Either this is foreshadowing a tag team
with John Cena or he a Copycat Stinkypoo. Cole noted how Big Show
ended his 9 year drought as Champion, but spoilsport Mark Henry laid
him out and Daniel Bryan cashed in.
Big
Show was chipper enough though. OK, he thought he'd World Champion.
But he's not, and Daniel Bryan is the new champion. He was going to
ask Bryan out in a minute, but he wanted to address something first.
Folk had been asking him about it took him 9 years to get the title
back, and he was there. He clawed and scratched and when Henry says
he's the World's Strongest Man, he is. And when he got there, he was
so proud to be World Champion, but just like that, it was gone.
He
said he was feeling mixed emotions, and then on RAW, Josh asked him a
question. We saw the clip of Josh noting that he had the shortest
World Title reign in history, which got our lead announcer this
evening a staredown and walk off. Big Show said he was proud of
himself. Because he held it together. He had thought about it and
wanted to give his honest feelings.
However,
Mark Henry came out to interrupt. As Cole noted, he was dressed to
compete. I mean, wise move on Henry's part. I mean, you never know
when you might be a former champion going to get into the ring with
another former champion, giving Teddy Long the chance to book the two
against each other to face the new champion. You just never know.
So indeed, good idea on Henry's part. Just in case, you know...
Proud,
Big Show? Proud of what? The shortest reign in history? That's
going on his tombstone. Here lies The Big Show, the man with the
shortest reign in the history of the WWE. Let the guy who had
"Sexual Chocolate" chanted at him on Monday tell you how
you should feel. Embarrassed. Humiliated. That's how Henry feels!
So take the week off and quit the business! It's the holiday season,
so you could be a Santa Claus. Henry said he wanted his rematch
tonight. See? Forethought...
Daniel
Bryan came out, and took in the crowd cheering for him. Bryan said
Big Show couldn't believe he was World Heavyweight Champion. He was
sure Henry couldn't believe it either. In fact, there probably
wasn't anyone in the arena who fully believes he's champion. Even
himself! He fronted up to Henry and noted that he's not the World's
Strongest Man. Not even as strong as most of the guys in the back.
He fronted up to Show and (after initially fluffing the line somehow)
noted that not only wasn't he the world's tallest athlete, but he was
one of the shortest guys in the company.
He
wasn't the fastest. He wasn't the smartest. He didn't have a cool
name. The guy with "Sooner Or Later Everyone Taps" on his
shirt didn't have any catchphrases, no discernible charisma, just
told he wasn't attractive and nothing about him that screams WWE
Superstar. Wow. That was some self-burial. Your WWE World Champion
is just a guy! Says so himself!
However,
at least Daniel Bryan didn't then thank everyone for listening and
leave. He pointed out he was a very good wrestler and hoped to be
one of the great ones. And despite what he's not, he WAS the WORLD
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. Mark Henry noted that every time he laid hands
on Bryan, he gave him a doing. He wanted the title back and wanted
it tonight. Big Show jumped in and pointed out that Big Show knocked
him out and won on Sunday!
Henry
said he remembered. Everyone remembered, from the production crew to
the fans. They all saw it. All 45 seconds of it. With that
slamming zinger, this man's musc played...
As
it goes, Thaddeus said both Show & Henry deserved a shot at
Daniel Bryan. However, first, they were going to compete against
each other. The winner would get dibs on Bryan's title. So, good
luck to both of ya. Oh yeah, and you, the slow, dumb, boringly
named, catchphraseless, uncharismatic, ugly ordinary dude who just so
happens to be wearing a gold belt in the ring? Congratulations to
ya! No really, Teddy long saying "Well done" to Bryan was
a throwaway line. I think he smells a ratings drop from having a
Champion that's not Mark Henry and knows he's gonna get that phone
call from Johnny Ace giving him shit about it. Or at least a text,
knowing Johnny...
Bryan
and Big Show had a handshake, although Big Show, in a nice touch,
couldn't resist on giving Bryan a painful squeeze. Show laughed it
off though. Bryan offered a handshake to Mark Henry, but faked Henry
out when he went for it, leaving both Bryan and Big Show to yuk it
up.
10:
Kaiser Chiefs - "Little Shocks"
Zack
Ryder def. Cody Rhodes in a "Lounge singer...there's something
Booker could do rather than commentate..." match
Ryder
knocked Rhodes down, but Cody tripped him up. Ryder scored with a
couple of armdrags, but Cody got back up and took him into the
corner. After a whip across, Ryder floated over a charge and hit
another armdrag. Cody got out the armlock and hit his brother's
uppercut. He tossed Ryder out the ring, but turned his back, only
for Zack to run right back in and get the jump. However, after
knocking Ryder to the floor. Cody shoved him into Booker before
sending him back into the ring as we took a break.
We
came back to see the Santino-killing Alabama Slam, but it only picked
up a 2 count. That's how far Ryder has come. Once upon a time, he
would have fallen to that move too. Booker, in a nice bit of
foreshadowing, was now feeling pretty happy and festive, much to
Cole's surprise. Ryder got out of a chinlock and ducked a couple of
clotheslines, but he whiffed on a crossbody, allowing Rhodes to pick
up a 2 count.
Cody
locked on a chinlock, but when Ryder fought out of it, they ended up
running into each other. Ryder got the better of it when they got
back up. Zack, with Cody in the corner, hit a forearm and the Broski
Boot, picking up a 2 count. Ryder went to the second rope, but
missed on a front dropkick. As Cody punched him, Booker said he was
feeling in the holiday spirit. He grabbed a live mic and started
singing "Cody The Red Nosed Reindeer". This distraction
for Cody allowed Zack to recover and hit the Rough Ryder for the
victory.
After
the match, Booker decided to sing some more to mock Rhodes. Cole was
going nuts while Josh was losing his shit. We cut backstage to see
Long watching the TV when Santino Marella walked in with his
stupid-ass Cobra sleeve. Santino said since Zack was now US
Champion, he surely didn't have the time to be Long's assistant. And
he wanted to apply. FUCK NO! Jesus no. Seriously, if they're
sticking Marella on this show...well, you've all watched MIke
Johns's TNA review Of 2011, right? Well, imagine that
level of batshit ranting. Times 2.
Anyway,
Aksana's music and lighting kicked in, and at least to Santino's
credit, he noticed something was up with this. Teddy introduced
Santino, noting he was applying for the Assistant position. Aksana
said that she knew many positions and if Long ever needed any relief,
he just needed to ask her for a hand. You know. BECAUSE SHE'S A
WHORE! Santino's cobra got erect when she left. Thankfully, I'm not
making a double entendre. It went flaccid again when Vickie Guerrero
walked in the room with Dolph Ziggler.
Long
noted Ryder's match and win just now. Vickie said that somehow, the
stars aligned on Sunday. Ziggler told Long he'd demand his rematch
soon enough. Don't know why they're telling Teddy this. Ziggler is
a RAW guy. Ryder is a RAW guy. The belt is a RAW belt. Long is the
Smackdown GM... Ziggler noted what Bryan had said earlier, saying he
was all the things Bryan said he wasn't. And said if Long wanted to
put the "good" Bryan against a "great" wrestler,
why not put one (himself) against him to show Bryan how "good"
he is. Long loved the idea.
09:
White Lies - "Holy Ghost"
So...I
guess Big Show wins by forfeit?
Before
the opening bell rang, David Otunga made his way out, wearing the
usual Argyle sweater and thermos coffee mug, to both Henry &
Show's confusion. He said he was there on John Laurinaitis's behalf,
as he was, as Exec. VP of Talent Relations was responsible for all
the Superstars. He said the match wouldn't be taking place as Henry
wasn't cleared to wrestle, as his ankle injury had somehow led to an
increase in blood pressure. He spoke on, but while he wasn't
looking, Big Show hit a legit WMD on Otunga's jaw bone.
No,
seriously. This was a legit undefended right hand punch. MASSIVE
respect to Otunga for taking it. Because Big Show didn't look like
he was holding that much back. In replay, you could see how Otunga's
jaw moved. Henry and then Show left without any sort of resolution
to it.
Back
from break, Teddy Long was walking the halls for no discernible
reason, when Miz showed up for no discernible reason. Well,
actually, that's a lie. He said he was told to show up. However,
Teddy protested ignorance to this notion. Miz went off saying this
was why Laurinaitis was running circles round Long. He claimed that
since he won the WWE Title in 2010, not once has Smackdown main
evented a PPV, while he had been in 5, including Wrestlemania. So,
he was gonna walk out to the ring, disrupt the show and not let
anyone compete. Long said he'd see about that. Miz told him to find
Sheamus a guy and send him out to face him.
08:
The Wombats - "Our Perfect Disease"
We
returned to see Miz in the ring. He showed footage of him taking out
R-Truth and then John Morrison. Love how that run ended up a total
of 2. Anyone? Anyone at all? Nope? Well, isn't the Smackdown
locker room a bunch of cowards. It has no guts and no face, with
someone with the ability to do the mainstream stuff he does.
Eventually, Sheamus' music interrupted this. Miz somehow clearly
didn't expect this to happen.
Sheamus
def. The Miz in a "Going by the Teddy Long chart, this should be
Orton, but he's busy later, so..." match
Miz
hit some shots, but Sheamus kept telling to do it again, before
putting Miz down for a 2 count. Miz caught Sheamus on the apron and
worked the arm, making it his focus. He hit his clothesline in the
corner and pair of boots to Sheamus. A DDT picked up a 2 count. He
worked over Sheamus in the corner, before going for the clothesline
again when Sheamus stood up. However, Sheamus telegraphed it with an
axe handle. He hit the Irish Curse, but the arm work by Miz saw
Sheamus unable to hit the Celtic Cross. Miz tried the Skull Crushing
Finale, but Sheamus shrugged him off and hit a Brogue Kick for the
win. Much shorter than I'd have imagined.
Randy
Orton & Wade Barrett give a new meaning to Water
Sports...
Wade
Barrett came out after the ads. By the way, if you haven't seen Wade
Barrett Stalking The Shitty WWE.com Interviewer then click
the link RIGHT NOW and watch it, and then come back and in the
comments box below, DARE to try and say Wade isn't the friggin' MAN.
Anyway, Wade cued up the footage of his successes over Orton in the
last month. He said that he deserves to be in line for a title shot
against Daniel Bryan.
He
went to leave, but Orton ran out and commenced a brawl with Wade. He
went for the RKO in the ring, but Wade pushed off and ran to the
back. But this wasn't over for Orton, who ended up giving chase. We
cut backstage where the brawl continued on through the halls. They
ended up in the parking garage. There was, awesomely, a vending
machine in the background. However, this brawl didn't end to the
right of it. Orton sent Wade into some mesh a few times before
kicking him over a barrier. Now time for a quiz.
Q:
With his hated rival down on all fours in the parking garage, what
did Randy Orton do next? Did he:
a)
Punt the head off of Wade Barrett, ending things once and for all and
get the final victory?
b)
Take any manner of possible majorly offensive weapon and use it to
take out Wade?
c)
Spy a water hose and spray Wade with it a bit, with Wade actually
selling for this impromptu shower?
d)
SHNITSKY!!!
e)
Yes.
If
you answered a, b, d or e then this is your reward...
And
yes, you deserve to listen to all 10 minutes straight.
After
this washing, Orton tossed Wade over a table and then dumped a bin's
contents on top of him. Great. Wash him and THEN make him dirty.
He then dumped Wade on a car before hitting the RKO on the hood to
finally end this. We saw a graphic for the main event, but it was,
for some reason, announcer-less.
07:
Arctic Monkeys - "The Blond-O-Sonic Shimmer Trap"
Kofi
Kingston def. Primo in a "At least the Smackdown announcers know
Carlito is fired..." match
We
came back to the "Prophetless" video, which then went back
into the show as we saw Epico, Primo and Rosa in the ring, awaiting
Kofi, who naturally came out with Evan. Primo started off hot,
taking Kofi down with shots. He locked on a wacky Octopus submission
on the mat, but Kofi managed to get out. Primo hit a nice legsweep,
following with a leg drop and elbow drop. Kofi managed to avoid a
corner charge, which got him started on his comeback. The Superman
shots missed, but he hit a crossbody off the ropes for a 2 count. He
hit the pendulum kick. Kofi went up top, but an Epico distraction
allowed Primo to hit an armdrag off of there for a 2 count. As Primo
was in discussion with Epico and Rosa, he turned around and walked
into the Trouble IN Paradise out of nowhere for the win.
They
played a video package putting over CM Punk, Zack Ryder & Daniel
Bryan all being champions. God-damned kickass video, actually. That
said, I do question them using a shot of a sign saying "Daniel
O'Brien". Don't get me wrong, I'm not being cynical enough to
say that they put this shot in there to implicitly say that the fans
are so not into Bryan that they can't spell his name right. I'm just
saying that it was lacking in quality control. Maybe the shitty
WWE.com interviewer put this together? I mean, other than that, this
was a great video and put them all over pretty well.
Daniel
Bryan & Dolph Ziggler went to a No Contest in a "Where's
Jack Swagger to back up his running buddy Dolph? That said, it'd be
unfair on Bryan. UI dunno. I guess Big Show is still his friend for
now. As long as they don't get too involved to the point where their
participation would be integral to the match in hand..."
match
We
started off with some chain wrestling. Ziggler went for a leapfrog,
but Bryan ducked down and grabbed the leg, turning it into a Mexican
surfboard. Bryan let it go, but before he could lock on something
else, Ziggler made the ropes. Bryan missed a dropkick, allowing
Ziggler to take control. He did the situps spot he did on Sunday,
but tonight, it was almost turned into the LeBell Lock. Bryan
whipped Ziggler across into a corner, but Dolph avoided the charge
and hit an inverted slam for a 2 count.
Mr.
Ziggles hit a dropkick upon our return before he put on a chinlock.
Bryan got out of it, and the pair clotheslined each other down.
Apropos of not very much, Jack Swagger made his way down to the ring.
Bryan elevated Ziggler out to the floor and then hit a suicide dive
onto Dolph. With the ref looking the other way, Swagger knocked down
Daniel O'Brien.
Giving
no wonder to how Swagger was now on the other side of the ring and
that Bryan was suddenly laid out on the floor, Scott Armstrong
started a count. As it goes, Swagger's actions drew out Big Show as
Dolph rolled Bryan back in the ring. Ziggler looked for the sleeper,
but Bryan shook him off and then hit Doug Williams' Chaos Theory
(Roll up moving into a rolling German suplex) for a 2 count. Bryan
hit a count kicks, but Ziggler tired the ZigZag, Bryan somehow
managed to avoid it (although it looked like he was supposed to take
it and it was botched). It wasn't a botch however, as Bryan used the
whiff on Ziggler's part to hit the third kick to the head for a 2
count.
Bryan
put Ziggler up top, but had his Frankensteiner turned into a sunset
flip for a 2 count. The Fameasser also picked up a 2 count. Ziggler
then put Bryan up top, but he slipped under Dolph and crotched him
before hitting a back superplex. Ziggler had to put his foot on the
bottom rope to break the count.
Swagger
went round the ring to try and take out Big Show, but Show wasn't for
it, chasing Swagger into the ring. He teased a chokeslam before
Teddy Long ran down to ringside. He said he was turning the match
into a tag team match. You can guess the teams. Or read the
headline that makes up the next sentence.
06:
The Wombats - "Anti-D"
Daniel
Bryan & Big Show def. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger in a "The
Teddy Long Chart works after all!" match
We
came back from break as Swagger tried to work a waistlock on Show,
only to have it reversed and get taken down. Show then worked a side
headlock takedown. In the corner, he hit some shots to Swagger,
before he scrambled away and tagged himself out. Show cornered
Ziggler and hit a couple of punches to the gut and a big chop to the
chest. Show kept looking to Bryan, seemingly sending some sort of
message.
He
tagged Bryan in and told him to finish Ziggler. He hit a flurry of
kicks to the chest in the corner, but after a whip across, whiffed on
a dropkick. Ziggler made a tag to Swagger, who hit the Swagger Bomb
for a 2 count. Bryan went for a wheelbarrow move on Swagger, but it
was blocked and Bryan was put on the top rope in the Tree Of Woe. As
the ref backed Swagger up, Ziggler yanked on Bryan's leg over the
rope. Swagger & Ziggler worked over Bryan's legs. After cutting
Bryan off from making a tag, Ziggler went for a sleeper. However,
Bryan ran Dolph into the corner, actually sending him flying out of
the ring.
Rather
than keep Bryan cut off, Ziggler made the tag to Swagger, which in
turn allowed Bryan to tag in Big Show. Show ran wild on the pair of
them, but when he wanted the chokeslam on Swagger, Jack got out and
took out a leg. Bryan tagged himself in. While he missed on a
missile dropkick, with Swagger grabbing the legs and putting on the
Ankle Lock, Bryan managed to turn it into the LeBell Lock, which drew
the submission.
As
Bryan celebrated in the ring, Big Show stood on the outside watching
on. He wasn't pissed off, but he wasn't exactly the happiest of men.
Bryan noted off mic he was World Champion and Cole predicted doom as
the show ended.
OVERALL
- Fine enough show. It's focus was basically to establish that
Daniel Bryan was the new World Champion, this being the first show on
his brand since the PPV, and it did it pretty much successfully.
Only gripe I had was him ragging on his own inadequacies. Even then,
it was how he said it, not what he said. If he had said "Some
say I'm not X and some say I'm not Y" and so on, instead of "I'm
not the X and I'm not the Y", I wouldn't have had a problem with
that riff, if at all. That said, I'd have preferred for Bryan to
call himself a "great" wrestler right away (could have said
"aspiring to be legendary"), rather than just good. It
just felt to me that despite everything else about how he was
presented on the show that that riff didn't make him look all that
good at all and thus didn't give a casual viewer a reason to buy into
him. Almost felt like Bryan was believing Cole's "hype" of
him.
I
recently bought WWE '12 (since it was heavily discounted new) and
this was like something from the Road To Wrestlemania mode, where
Ryder got to a certain point, but rather than try and finish in the
usual way (Broski Boot into the Rough Ryder), he had to press Y and
get the cut-scene of the wacky occurrence instead. Didn't exactly
help get Ryder over as he wasn't in a winning position when Booker
ended up interfering, and it was comedic interference too.
Indeed,
(quite possibly because of the vending machine) the Orton/Wade brawl
felt very much out of the WWE '12 game as well. It wasn't bad,
although it really did get rather one-sided, and I thought the hose
bit was stupid. I was disappointed in the Miz/Sheamus match. It
felt like an extended squash. I'd have liked it to go a bit longer
and be a bit more of a normal match.
That
said, as notioned, this was a perfectly acceptable wrestling
television show on the whole, and it accomplished it's main job very
well, so it's hard to really criticise it. You
can contact Aaron via his personal
Facebook or the WWI
Fan Page. All he asks is that if you do "friend"
him personally that you write a little note noting that you read the
reviews.
