| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com ZAH
Yeah…so I’ve got a bad stream and my satellite’s not working. Giddy-up.
WELCOME TO RAW IS ZAH!!!
We start off with a quick little graphic/tribute to one S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. I’m actually old enough to remember watching him wrestle in the early 80’s. Goddamn…that’s depressing.
We get a nice little recap of the Batista win over
Orton then addresses Shane & Stephanie McMahon directly. He tells them that he wants them to fire Mike Adamle next week or else he walks. Orton then gets in Adamle’s face and insults and berates him to the point where Adamle actually SLAPS Orton!!!
Orton walked away…probably quite content in the fact that he just got a person in authority to lose his control and actually place his hands on a wrestler sports entertainer entertainer.
Coming up after the commercial break? CM Punk and Kofi Kingston get their World tag team title shot against the Priceless tandem of Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes.
So everybody who wasted money texting on the tag match last night wasted their money. FOOLS!!!
Hey…just a reminder…my column is awesome. If you don’t read it, you truly suck. No, seriously…you suck. Read it.
The popular challengers make their separate ways to the ring. You’d think I’d be more excited, considering that two of my favorite performers on RAW were wrestling for the tag belts…but for whatever reason, I’m blasé about it all.
I’m even more “meh” when I see Priceless make their way to the ring. Thank goodness for DiBiase…otherwise this would really be Team Suck (or Team Aaron Wood or Team Disco Inferno…your choice).
Seriously…
You can tell that Kofi and Punk realize that they won’t have any push whatsoever unless they improve as a team, because they’ve improved as a team. They do some early double-team moves and gain the early advantage over the tag champs.
I’m guessing it’s time for a commercial break because the challengers throw the champs outside of the ring and celebrate with the crowd.
Turns out I guessed correctly.
I’ll also guess that when we come back from commercial, the heels will be back in control. The word is still out on that one.
Huh…and waddya know? The tag champions are in complete control as we come back from commercial. Predictability, thy name is RAW.
And for some reason, the “hot tag” is made after 2 minutes…which might make the live crowd excited but kinda takes away when you’re watching on television. There hasn’t been enough sympathy built-up with Punk getting his ass kicked to truly get into Kofi making the tag.
It’s all moot, anyway, as Kofi gets his ass kicked. Good times as Cody continues to live off his father’s name and controls the match.
No need to get into details…the tag champs continue to beat on Kofi for awhile. The crowd seems pretty hot on the potential of the tag to Punk, who is definitely over in whatever hick town RAW is in on this night.
Kofi uses his AJ Styles “on his back head scissors” move to help him tag in Punk, who begins cleaning house.
Manu jumps on the ring apron but is quickly taken out by a Punk kick to the head.
Kofi takes out
Okay…I’ll admit…I’m a little bit excited about this turn of events. I may have to celebrate. It's not like Priceless was over at all...so this change makes sense. Good times.
Awesome…my feed is f*cking up.
I think I’ll start reading Mallory’s real-time review to see what I’m missing.
Roddy Piper and Goldust make their way to ringside…although because of the breaks in my feed I have no idea why.
Tremendous.
I see the Honky Donkey Man making his way to the ring, quickly followed by Santino Marella.
Marella is accompanied by Beth Phoenix, as usual.
He grabs the mic away from Lillian Garcia.
He whips out the Honk-A-Meter…ELEVEN WEEKS, people!!
He’s only one year and one week away from becoming the greatest Intercontinental champion of all times.
He tells all of the pregnant women in the arena to look at Piper, Goldust, and Honky at ringside.
He tells them that they’ll look like them if they do drugs.
It’s a lot funnier when Santino says it.
OMFG…Charlie Haas has come out and it dressed like Beth Phoenix.
Sweet Jesus…down to the exact same outfit and blonde hair AND title belt.
Holy sh*t…Haas is even doing the top turnbuckle reverse flip into the ring.
Wow. In a matter of seconds Santino threw Haas out of the ring, got “cornered” by Goldust and Piper, and then was hit in the head with a guitar shot by Honky.
So nothing came from the “Glama-Haas”. I’m befuddled over this whole thing.
Evan Bourne vs. Rey Mysterio is tonight. Sweet.
Mike Knox is also getting a mini-push on RAW with some vignettes. I guess it pays to grow a beard. Unless you’re a Highlander…then it just sucks to be you.
Michael Cole is in the ring and introduces Batista, who makes his way down showing off his newly won belt. I look at Cole and just want to kick him in the balls. Hard. For no reason.
Cole asks Batista how it feels to be champion again. Batista says that he “crawled and scratched” his way back to the top. In reality, he bitched and moaned and whined his way back to the top…but whatever. Apparently crying like a bitch, being unable to promo more than 10 words at a time, and being dangerously sloppy in the ring means that you’re totally world championship material.
And sure enough…after about 30 seconds of talking, the in-ring interview is done. Seriously. Short-n-sweet. The crowd goes nuts, though…so I obviously don’t know sh*t.
Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, and Candice Michelle are on their way to the ring. Oh joy…
“WWE RAW is the longest running episodic television show in history”. If Jerry Lawler says that one more time I’m gonna kick him in the balls, too.
I love it…Candice is all ready to pretend strip on the ring apron when Mickie’s music hits and the camera cuts away. Serves you right. You should strip sooner.
They are taking on Jillian Hall, Layla, and Katie Lea. Sigh…I’m wishing for some SHIMMER all of a sudden.
I wouldn’t mind looking at Jillian if it weren’t for the puffed-up balloons that she’s now got for lips. I mean, Candice and Melina have horse-faces naturally…but for whatever reason Jillian has actually done her best to look that way. Yikes.
Thank god for Mickie James. She’s hot AND she can wrestle circles around pretty much any other diva on RAW or Smackdown. She makes everybody around her look good, too. She not only knows offense, but she bumps incredibly well.
Umm…once Mickie tagged out, the match just sucked ass. Totally. Kelly Kelly hit a couple of spots on Katie and won.
And somewhere on the internet, fanboys are creaming their jeans while spouting off about just how incredibly awesome Kelly Kelly has gotten in the ring…completely not realizing the huge difference between learning moves and actually wrestling.
Ridiculous.
JBL admits to having a very lucrative financial deal set up last night with Chris Jericho, but Shawn Michaels cost him a lot of money by not counting to three when
Basically, we just found out that JBL and HBK now have something to do.
We come back from commercial to a recap of Rey Mysterio pinning Kane CLEAN last night in their no holds barred match at Cyber Sunday. This sets up Rey Rey making his way to the ring for his match against Evan Bourne. If booked right, this match could be absolutely AWESOME.
As I’m watching the match unfold, I’m wondering just why in the blue hell WWE didn’t jump all over the potential money to be made by a Bourne/Mysterio tag title run. Oh well.
The great thing about this match is not just the speed and aerial ability of both men, but the ability of each man to bump like crazy. Without really doing much, the crowd is really into this match and we go to commercial.
Dammit.
As we come back, the pace of things continue at a break-neck speed. Because 90% of WWE matches are so slow and deliberate in their pacing, to see something like this is a real treat.
Wrestling. It’s quite the concept.
Even when Bourne grounds Rey, it’s not your normal headlock or Randy Orton Chinlock of Doom ©, rather it’s a pretzel-esque submission move; something different to keep fans interested.
Rey missed a move and slipped on the ropes, but to Bourne’s credit he continued to work things perfectly and you would have never known there was a mistake, although Rey looked like he was a bit sore afterwards.
This is one helluva back-n-forth match…one I won’t even try to describe as it’s just too fast. Let’s just say it’s a PPV-quality match, for sure. At the end of the day, Mysterio reverses an Electric Chair attempt by Bourne to eek out a win.
Wow. Just wow…fantastic stuff.
Afterwards, both men shake hands as Kane’s pyro hits and he makes his way down to the ring. Mysterio tells Bourne to get out of the ring. Kane goes after Rey’s mask as Bourne kicks him in the head. The next thing you know it’s 2-on-1 and then Mark Henry makes his way down to ringside.
Now it’s back to being a snorefest as two really huge men beat up on two pretty small men.
WWE will never learn. Thanks for ruining a great match that actually piqued interest in your product.
“Spoilin’ For A Fight” by AC/DC is the official theme song to Survivor Series. Just thought you’d ike to know.
Wow…John Cena’s returning? Really? I had no idea. Shocker.
Vignette. Yawn.
The Miz & John Morrison come out to trash talk Geriatric X. They’re facing each other next week. It’s nice to see Miz & Morrison get built-up just so they can get brought back down to mediocrity next week.
Be jealous? Yeah…
It’s main event time and Chris Jericho is on the way to the ring.
Backstage, though, JBL is beating the snot out of Shawn Michaels.
Serious beat-down.
JBL then makes his way to the ring as
And I’ll be the first to admit…JBL’s bitch-tits aren’t nearly as big as they were a few weeks ago. Kudos to him for workin’ out. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still got some big ol’ tittays…they’re just not AS big as they were.
Batista makes his way out as Michael Cole tells everybody that they’re watching RAW live from
Goddamn I hate Michael Cole.
Awesome. My feed just went out. Y’know, maybe Cole was right…there are a TON of people tuning in with only 10 minutes left. I stand corrected.
He still deserves a kick in the balls.
Okay…I’m back up and running with a different stream. Ummm…the heels are in control over a hapless Batista. Surprised?
Well…you can just imagine what happens next. Shawn Michaels limps his way down to the ring, distracts the referee, and Batista ends up pinning JBL.
Is HBK hurt? What’s up with his non-participation? Do I even care?
No.
Burial…thy name is anybody NOT World champion, apparently...'cause the show's done. That's it. Yawn.
Well, that’s it from me.
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