JG Note: Matt Dawgs is out for the week, but you can still Thank God For Friday as our resident head shaker ZAH returns for an all new edition of his beloved column. Plus, check back later for a brand new ClubWWI.com guest!
Yeah yeah yeah...CM Punk is now back in WWE. The "Summer of Punk" storyline is already over and they're rushing headfirst into a program with Cena at SummerSlam. I could complain, but what's the point? Punk's at the forefront of a major storyline and will be main-eventing the 2nd biggest PPV of the year.
Obviously, the internet is all abuzz with "what if?" scenarios. There were a million ways that WWE could have gone and they chose the quick storyline arc instead of a drawn-out feud.
That's fine...I'm not going to complain. But I'm certainly on the "what if?" bandwagon. Only in my case there's a twist.
Y'see...I'm wondering what would have happened if, during the segment that Punk and Vince were having their "public negotiations", Vince just grabbed Punk's already-signed contract and signed it himself without really looking at it.
For one...we'd have Punk ice cream bars, which would be a cool treat for everybody during this bloody heat wave that we're all seemingly going through.
However, I've gotten my hands on that contract and found there were a LOT of perks inserted into it...and I just happen to know what these things would have looked like had Punk signed with Vince a few short weeks ago.
Well first off was the "
I want to be on an expensive car" provision...
Then, of course, was the "I want random posters in public for no reason" provision...
That was quickly followed-up by the "
I'm on a hot air balloon. Yes I'm serious!" provision...
And what would this contract be if it didn't have Punk gracing the cover of magazines. Only in this case, he wanted to be on
non-WWE magazines. Vince was never quite sure why Punk felt the need to include the "
I'm in Vogue, bitch" clause...
Really...at this point you'd think that would pretty much be the end of things. But no, Punk really had some aces up his sleeve in this contract.
He loved how Vince was constantly re-writing history when it came to the company, so he felt the need to insert the "
I'm included in a piece of re-written AMERICAN history" provision just to see how much power Vince truly possessed...
I got a kick out of the "
I'm in a pool" clause. Seriously...was this even necessary?
But he saved the best for the end of the contact.
First up was the "
I'm on a commemorative coin" provision. Vince and the lawyers weren't really sure about this one, but Punk insisted that he wanted to be the face on real coin that was worth real money. Somehow they were able to pull it off...
As with most WWE superstars, Punk wants to be in movies. He doesn't want to just be in ANY movie, though. "
I'm in Spiderman" was a provision that included a sub-section clause for his best friend, Colt Cabana...
Last, but certainly not least, was the "
I'm starring in The Chaperone 2" clause, which he had mentioned on television. Well...that one actually carried over into his new contract under Triple H's management. Yeah, this is probably going to happen...
Item #2: TNA signs "Mr. Pec-Tacular" to a developmental deal.
I must admit that up until this season, I've been a fan of Big Brother and have pretty much watched every single episode over the past ten + years (I'm just not so much into it this year).
Seems that somebody at TNA is also a fan.
Jessie "Mr. Pec-Tacular" Godderz was a contestant two seasons in a row, and immediately after finishing the show he began training to be a wrestler.
Well...TNA seems to think he's got the "right stuff" and signed him to a developmental deal. Now, in TNA the term "developmental deal" doesn't mean going to an indy fed like Florida Championship Wrestling and working your way up to the main roster. No, in TNA the term "development deal" means that you're going to train with Bully Ray with the possibility of appearing on TV.
With all of the stories on poor finances, poor morale, and poor choices coming from behind the scenes at TNA, it's a shame to hear that they're adding this moron to their roster in yet another lame attempt to pop a rating.
How's that working for TNA thus far? That 1.3 is quite the mountain to climb, eh?
I've seen this guy. He's not just unlikeable, he's a frickin' douchebag that people simply won't care about. He's going to have to fly around like AJ Styles if he wants the crowds to not crap on him for being another muscle-bound talentless blog of mass like that Rob Terry guy.
But what do I know? I'm only a fan of the business for the past 30+ years...I have no clue what I'm talking about. Don't listen to me, Jessie...I'm sure you've got at least one fan.
Item #3: Generation Me quits TNA.
Oh hello there, 15 minutes. I see that 14 of you are already up...
Item #4: Justin Gabriel...what should WWE do with him?
I'll be honest...the first time I saw Gabriel on NXT I was not impressed at all. The guy seemed pretty small and had ZERO personality whatsoever. Plus he was from South Africa.
South Africa?? Isn't that where Mandella is still in jail at? Or something. I never remember international politics very well. It could be where The Mummy was shot. Whatever...no big wrestling superstars ever came from South Africa that weren't named DeBeers.
But over the past year or so, I've seen Gabriel develop into quite the wrestler. Does he have personality? No...he's still pretty lame. But he's got a unique look going for him and I think I've come up with a gimmick that might help him get over a bit with the PG audience.
Item #5: Who did Alberto Del Rio NOT blow backstage?
Okay...somebody explain something to me. Is Alberto Del Rio not the current WWE champion because of (1) horribly bad timing, (2) him not being as over as they're trying to make him, or (3) something else entirely?
I honestly think it's a combination of all three, really. Think about it...if Edge hadn't decided to retire, Rio was probably going to win the title at WrestleMania. If Punk hadn't decided to pull off this brilliant storyline, Rio was probably going to at least take on John Cena at SummerSlam. If Cena hadn't lost the title and WWE become so scared at the lack of ratings and PPV buyrates, Rio would probably have already cashed in his Money In The Bank title shot and had won...not be thwarted twice and made to look bad in the process.
So let's just sit here and stare at Rio for awhile. I'm sure WWE will let him run with the ball at some point, right? Surely there was a reason they brought him over from Smackdown. Oh well...that's in the past now. Let's just sit and stare and try to come up with a reason for Alberto's stagnancy.
Item #6: Daniel Bryan wants to start BURYING people.
If you haven't watched this yet, you need to. Seriously...do it. Now.
Item #7: Sin Cara does drugs. Probably. More than likely. Just don't quote me.
Item #8: TNA star Jessie Neal and wrestler Christine Von Eerie announce their engagement.
Congrats, Jessie. Seriously. Couldn't happen to a nicer dude.
Item #9: Loser of the Week
Each and every time I write this column, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form recently. This week's winner is somebody who you've probably never heard of. And in a week where there were lots of potential winners, this guy stood out to me and caught my eye. This
time around, ZAH's Loser of the Week is...
Awww dude...I had somebody else all picked out until you had to go and be a HUGE douchebag. And what's worse, I was a fan of yours when you were in NEXUS. I thought you were the best talker of the bunch.
Apparently, though, you can't type for sh*t.
Here's the deal...he basically went and said that John Cena broke him arm in a match on purpose and then laughed about it backstage. THEN he claimed that Cena got him fired.
Why? Because Tarver was kickin' ass on the mic and turnin' heads, yo!!
"Now during this dream job he fights trains show crazy potential on the mic regarded as one the best ever in developmental so he moves on ,,,To nxt and raw where he is burried on tv treated like trash back stage to the point where a certain top superstar takes notice of this Guy building steam with his promos back stage and begins to feel threatend so one night on a ppv the champ purposely fractures this Persons arm with a chair and after.the match backstage laughs in his face about it and walks off you know im talking about you just cant see See him anyway he takes out threats to his throne back stage to the point where the even get released from their dream job and ironicaly This guys dream wife leaves him tthreatening to take everything from him a month later on the se day his daughter was to move in with With them now his daughter is hysterical beyond help and has to be sent back home after three years of fighting and one week there"
"Hmmmmm makes you wonder is it worth it because in your opinions WHO DO YOU KNOW WHO IS BAD.ENOUGH TO SCARE A BILLION DOLLAR COMPANY So I saw to all things mention ME ,,,,,,,,IM THAT BAD MAN ,,,,,,,,,,,YAHWEH NISSI"
Seriously...what the hell, dude? Congrats.
Well...that's all I got this time around. I appreciate you clicking the link that brought you to this column and thanks for reading up until the very end.