02-01-08

" Living my life's not hard enough. "

Boo-yah...here we go!! 

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Item #1 – John Cena...who dat?

Ahh yes...the crown prince of controversy is back about five to eight months quicker than he was supposed to.   The boo-birds are back in force and the haters are as vociferous as ever.   The questions abound about his incredible healing powers and the conspiracy theorists are up in arms over the Wellness suspension possibilities.

And you know what?   I'm all for it.   All of it.   Because their vocal hatred of Cena only legitimizes his run on top...and the fact that they don't see that really entertains me.

I gotta be honest; I'm tired of trying to defend WWE's choice of Cena as their top dog.   There are so many reasons why Cena is on top, yet the haters can't seem to fathom any of them as legit.   The guy on top isn't always the biggest box office draw?   Please.   This is a business, kids.   If your number one draw and merchandise seller ISN'T the face of the company as the superstar champion, then what in the world are you in business for?   Why bother pushing somebody else as number one??

Obviously, WWE has tried different people at different times in the champion role to see what works and what doesn't.   Sometimes you get lucky (ex: Brock Lesnar), sometimes you don't (ex: Diesel).   Whether you like it or not, Cena matches are the most heated on the card...EVERY card.  I'm not saying he's the most popular guy on the roster, but he's very similar to Howard Stern in that both his fans and his haters are equally loud over their position on the guy.   They either love him or hate him and don't just sit on their hands to make their stance known.   Who else in WWE gets that type of reaction for every single match he's in?   Why shouldn't that type of reaction be saved for the main event of every single major show?

Not only that, but I'm also tired of listening to the "he can't wrestle" arguments as a reason to dislike him.   Whether or not the guy has Bryan Danielson's moveset doesn't mean jack.   He was involved in four legitimate Match of the Year contenders in 2007 and was considered one of the absolute best wrestlers in the world before getting injured (many still consider him the Wrestler of the Year even with the injury).   I hate to break it to the marks, but being a great wrestler ISN'T all about how many moves you know or how stiff you can be in the ring.   Being the top guy in the company doesn't always mean you have to be the most talented technician inside the ring (ex: Hogan, Warrior, Sting).  

The top guy draws money...period.   You don't like his gimmick?   Fine...you can boo loudly while his thousands of teeny-bopper fans cheer their hearts out and spend their parents' money.   You hate "poopie" jokes?   Ummm...2006 went that way, kids...welcome to 2008.   You want to see him be a bad-ass and rap and do all the other cool things that got him over to begin with?   Buy a helmet and then get in line behind the rest of us.   I still dislike his gimmick but I totally see why he is booked the way he is.

You don't have to like the guy to respect what he means to the business right now.   You don't have to like the idea of another Cena main event at WrestleMania to appreciate that it's the best money-making decision at this point for WWE.   Heck...you don't have to watch him on RAW to realize that the ratings spike from this past Monday can 100% be attributed to his return.

But by all means...keep bitching about your hatred for the "untalented hack".   By all means...keep crying about how he's on steroids and we all "deserve" answers on his quick return.   By all means...continue your whining about having to see him on your television screen every single week.   I'm not saying you should stop.   By all means...have your opinions and voice them loudly.

Just know that I'll continue to take great pleasure in laughing at you behind your back.   It's nothing personal...I'm an asshole by nature.   I see how the business works and whether or not I like it, it's not going to change any time soon.   You'd be best to learn that...professional wrestling might actually become a bit more enjoyable to watch if you did.

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Item #2 – Twice in one night?

No...I'm not talking about how many times I could die in Mickie James' arms if given the opportunity.   I'm talking about the plans on having TWO Elimination Chamber matches at No Way Out to decide who will have title matches at WrestleMania.

Wait a second...wasn't the Rumble supposed to answer one of those questions?  

I'm all for throwing curve balls, but I've been brainwashed by WWE over the years to expect that the winner of the Royal Rumble will be the guy in the main event at Mania.   With the exception of Rey Mysterio, that's always been the case (and of course, the outcry was so large that they had to change their minds again and put Rey back into the match in a 3-way).   So now one of the biggest draws of the Rumble PPV is gone.   Having said that, I don't think people are really pissed that they spent money on a PPV and didn't get the #1 contender as the winner...I really don't know if people care that much, to be honest.

But doesn't it seem odd to anybody else that it's now the last PPV before WrestleMania and that this is where we're going to get our two title matches??  

Call me crazy, but shouldn't WrestleMania be all about the slow-building storylines to help increase fan anticipation and, therefore, PPV buy rates?   I understand that it's hard to slow-build in the age of 400 PPV per month and all, but c'mon...this is Wrestle freakin' Mania. This is the one PPV that I will buy every year just to watch the live spectacle of it all.   But if there's only going to be one month of anticipation, then how am I gonna get excited enough to want to dish out $50 on it?

I'm like you...I really don't want to see another Hunter/Cena match unless Cena actually turns heel, which will NEVER happen.   I really don't think the conspiracy theorists' suggestion of a Hardy/Orton rematch on top is really possible (I could be wrong, though).   I don't know if WWE has done enough to properly build the PPV yet when we can't really predict every match yet.

Normally, with Mania, you know what feuds are coming to a head and are excited to see them come to a conclusion.   Taker/Edge...MVP/Matt Hardy...these are matches that you know will take place and are probably looking forward to them because of the build.   But what else is written in stone yet?   What other storylines are going to get me interested enough to buy the PPV?

I dunno...but watching WWE blow their load on two identical gimmick matches on the PPV before WrestleMania doesn't seem right to me.

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Item #3 – God how I hate DX.

It hurts a bit inside when I say that.   I'm an unapologetic fan of Triple H...always have been, always will be.   And before some of you crybaby marks start bitching about me being a "fanboy"...best be realizing that this isn't a news column, it's a f*ckin' opinion piece...and my opinion of Triple H is favorable...so suck it up, princess.

Anyhoo...I loved DX back in the late 90's.   I tolerated them during their "Summer of Spirit Squad Burial" phase.   I turned a blind eye during the "Vince Loves Cock DX Reunion Tour".   But I'm tired of it now.  

I don't even care that they already advertised a "one night only" reunion a month or two ago and then they got back together last night.   If it was entertaining, then I would totally turn a blind eye.  

It wasn't, though.   It's really becoming forced now.   Hunter looks bored and HBK looks and acts more effeminate than ever before, even WITH his Chuck Norris wannabe beard.

I dunno...it's just really tired.   Split 'em up...move 'em on...head 'em out.

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Item #4 – If he lasts past Mania, I'll be shocked...

The new "sideline announcer" Mike Adamle sucks.   He sucks major ass.   Hell...both Jenna Jameson and Lita watched him on Sunday and Monday and said, "DAMN, that boy can suck!!"

(See...they're both sluts and sucked a lot of dick and it's a whole double entendre thing and...oh, nevermind...)

I'm not going to sit here and call for the guy to be fired or anything...but the guy should be fired.   Quickly.

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Item #5 – Chris Harris signs with WWE.

...and nobody batted an eyelash.   Yawn.

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Item #6 – Umanga Claus?

I don't know about you, but Umanga's new red tights are just one step away from him strapping on a white beard and devouring some milk and cookies during a promo.  

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Item #7 – Against All Odds predictions.

I'll leave the details for my audio this weekend (cheap plug for www.ClubWWI.com) .   But really quick here are my thoughts:

Ø       Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage – TNA world title match

§          Meh.   I feel like I've been here before.   Angle wins.

Ø       Awesome Kong vs. ODB – TNA Knockout title match

§          It's nice to see them push ODB so quick because of her popularity, but she shouldn't come close to beating Kong considering Kong's booking thus far.

Ø       Team 3-D & Johnny Devine vs. Motor City Machine Guns & Jay Lethal – Hardcore   Street Fight

§          The X-Division disappears or becomes about weight limits.   Meh...it's a lose-lose situation.   Babyfaces win.

Ø       Abyss vs. Judas Mesias – Barbwire Massacre match

§          Jesus H. Christ...I'm sick and tired of seeing Abyss do this to himself just for a cheap pop.   Abyss wins, I guess...because why should the highly-hyped yet under-delivered Mesias get a shot at any type of real push?

Ø       AJ Styles & Tomko vs. BJ James & Bob Armstrong – TNA world tag title match

§          Bob Armstrong?   Is this some kind of a sick joke?   Only a Styles/Tomko implosion could make this even remotely entertaining.   Champs retain.

Ø       Booker T vs. Robert Roode – Grudge match

§          Hey Booker...aren't you glad to not be jobbing to Triple H anymore?   Instead, you're buried on the undercard in front of 900 people on a weekly basis.   Giddy-up.   At least you might actually win this one.

Ø       James Storm vs. Eric Young – Drinking contest

§          Seriously...who f*cking cares???

Ø       Peyton Banks vs. Traci Brooks

§          This will totally suck unless they're both wearing thongs.   Banks wins because the booking blows.

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Item #6 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Each and every week, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form. 

This week will be different.   This week I'm going to officially re-name the title of the award.   I mean, it's not like anybody else is trying nearly as hard to be as idiotic as this girl.   Nobody else constantly attempts to be labeled a loser as much as Britney Spears.   So why even fight it anymore?

Therefore, the new "Britney Spears Loser of the Week" award goes to... 

Britney Spears!!!

Well duh.   It's named after her.   Of course I'm going to name her the first loser of the new era.   C'mon now.   You all know how bad her week was.   Again.   Who else could it possibly be?

Anyway...congrats, Brit.   With the new name change you're now immortalized as ZAH's Loser of the Week forever!  

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Pillar to Post 

Each and every week (well...NORMALLY each and every week) I take three statements that you, the WorldWrestlingInsanity.com readers, have submitted on the hot topics du jour and then get two or three volunteers to give their thoughts and insight.  Ladies and gentlemen, this week I bring to you two great Insanity readers in tmcmaster & Matty Molinas!!!

1. Agree or Disagree
WWE should try very hard to keep Bobby Lashley on their roster.

tmcmaster : Agree.  

Lashley is a known commodity with a proven record. It might not be the longest or be studded with the most ****-star + matches, but he has proven that he can take direction, get heat and perform in the ‘big match.’ I also don’t really recall ever hearing any horror stories of Bobby causing a disturbance or being trouble backstage. Obviously, someone in the office has confidence in him, or he wouldn’t have been in the McMahon/Trump angle. Keeping him could strengthen the rooster and show that there is at least some thought about continuity .

Matty Molinas:   Agree.

They should keep him on the roster. He may not be able to cut a good promo (in my opinion he did better than most thought), but he had great ring skills. Vince picked him out personally, going as far as feuding with him to make him the big face. Vince also picked Stone Cold (who wasn't really a superstar at the time) and made him one of their biggest stars ever. Sure, Vince isn't always right, but if he actually spent his time feuding with him, usually the guy he feuds with comes out as a star.

2. Agree or Disagree
Christian Cage should win the TNA title from Kurt Angle at this weekend's PPV.

tmcmaster: Agree.

First, it isn’t any secret that I am a huge TNA mark, and a bigger Cage mark. So, in all situations, I am going to be pulling for Cage to get the win. Apart from that, there is a huge anti-Kurt backlash within the weird little IWC-World, so getting the belt off of him could improve TNA’s overall image with them (us). However, I also think smart booking would dictate that Cage wins, gets a run as a face champion (again) and works a long and enjoyable program with AJ over the belt. Hell, taking that road puts it in the realm of possibility that AJ takes the belt off of Cage and opens up a Styles/Angel feud, which would be hard-on material for the IWC for years…

Matty Molinas:   Agree.

TNA gave Christian a big chance, because the WWE used him as a mid-card jobber, but TNA saw what could really be done with him. Then WWE released Kurt Angle, and all of a sudden all the time is focused on him. I like Kurt, but they focus more on him than a lot of the roster, and that needs to stop. Even though they will probably focus on Kurt trying to win it back, they can keep the belt on Christian and slowly faze Angle out.

3. Agree or Disagree
It was the right decision to not make Jeff Hardy WWE champion.

tmcmaster: Agree.

Hardy has a record as being somewhat unreliable, but, he has really proven that he can carry the ball when called upon, and he should be applauded for it. But, Orton should be kept on top until he can be fed to Cena at Mania. (No Cena comments from me) Hardy is over, no doubt, but is in no way credible enough at this time to be given the belt. Anyone else remember how Rey-Rey was booked as champ? Hardy would, of course, jump off of roofs and highway signs if he could as champ, and that would be entirely too dangerous for everyone. I would like to see Hardy get a run, though, just maybe not on RAW. I think Hardy could be a decent champion, but, at this time, Orton with a successful defense was the right call .

Matty Molinas:   Disagree.

They should have given him the chance. They pushed him so hard, only to knock him down again. In my opinion, if you spend so much time on pushing a guy, making him a superstar (which looked like it worked) they should reward him BIG. Although, they could always have him win the Elimination Chamber and push him harder and him get the title at WrestleMania. But we all know who is going to be winning the rumble **cough**TripleH**cough.

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Great job, guys! I'm looking forward to seeing who joins me next week.  

What...you've never participated before?   Or maybe you have and would like to do it again?

Hey...you ALL have a chance to be part of an upcoming column.   You get a chance to have your thoughts on the crazy world of professional wrestling read by thousands every week.   This truly is open to everybody!   And with a new year comes a new list...I'm basically starting from scratch, people.   Contact me NOW and you'll be put at or near the top of the list.   Why wait?  

I want readers to participate!

  ,

 ,

No problem.    Seriously...it's not a problem at all.    NOW is the time for you to volunteer.    Really...RIGHT NOW!!    It's a brand new year and I need a brand new list of guest columnists.

You can let me know either by e-mailing me at Zah@worldwrestlinginsanity.com , hitting me up at ZAH Nation (found on the Insanity Message Board ), or look me up on Facebook as ZAH Insanity and letting me know that you'd like to participate (and then join the Insanity Facebook page ).    

So until next week, take care.