04-11-08

" Runnin' through hell, heaven can wait ."

Boo-yah...here we go!! 

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Item # 1 – Well at least he's finally got some buzz...

Two words: Mike Knox.

Okay...that's really one full name and not, technically, two "words"...but you get the drift.   Knox has been drifting around in relative obscurity for a couple of years now.   He was originally to be featured on ECW when it initially re-launched as he was looked upon favorably due to his work in Deep South.   However, once he was brought up it became quickly apparent that he just didn't have "it" and was doomed to lower mid-card status, at best.

That was over a year ago.   This week his name came up in a LOT of places, although it probably wasn't the type of publicity he was looking for.   This past week, a mysterious "stash of steroids" was found hidden in the attic of a house in Locust Grove, Georgia.   There was another box next to it, though, and that box contained WWE contracts and pay stubs that belonged to Knox, hence the immediate belief that the steroids and syringes belonged to him.

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This is presumably Mike Knox's Box.  No...I'm not kidding.

The internet immediately was abuzz in the whole situation.   News outlets across the country were picking up the story with fervor not seen since last summer.   This looked really bad for WWE after just a few short hours.

Knox immediately refuted the story, claiming that the steroids weren't his.   WWE released a statement that said, "...four professional wrestlers resided at the Locust Grove address, only one of whom is currently an active performer under a WWE contract. This performer has denied to WWE officials, as well as to Henry County Police Department officials, that the items discovered in this home belong to him."  

Who were the other wrestlers?   PWInsider found out very quickly that two of the wrestlers were Derrick Newkirk and Ryan O'Reilly.   Newkirk was just released last year for, wait for it, a Wellness violation (deflection~!!!).   O'Reilly quit the business, along with his girlfriend Krissy Vaine, because they didn't want to spend time away from each other on the road (she was on Smackdown, he was doing scattered house shows on RAW even though there were no concrete plans in place to call him up).

And sure enough...as soon as this other information came out, just about everybody and their dog dropped interest in the story.   Why?   Probably because there was a possibility that a non-active former employee had the steroids and that isn't a big story.   In all honesty, this isn't that big of a story anyway.  If there is somebody skating around the Wellness Policy at this point, they're doing a damn good job of it.   With WWE suspending wrestlers for policy violations ( ***cough***Jeff Hardy***cough***), it's hard to argue that it's not a legitimate process, which is something the news media was hoping to prove when this story initially came out.

Even if it did belong to Knox, the evidence shows that the steroids are from, what, 2004 or thereabouts.   In other words, before the Wellness Policy came into effect.   So if these were Knox's, there is probably not much WWE could even do about it because it doesn't fall under the Policy guidelines.

And really...does it matter at this point?   I'm so sick and tired of government resources being poured into whether or not wrestlers or baseball players or football players are taking steroids...especially when there are SOOOO many other issues that government should be pouring resources into; it just seems silly to me.   Are there not more important issues at hand?   I mean, there has recently been an intense discussion on the Insanity message boards about child pornography (a 14 year-old downloaded and watched child porn of another 14 year-old) and just how accessible it is; not to mention guns and drugs and so on and so forth.  

Bottom line?   Whether or not Mike Knox took some growth hormone in order to get signed by WWE shouldn't be a major issue here when there is so much other crazy-ass shit going on in the world.

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Item # 2 – Test failed the test.

Sorry...but how can you NOT make that joke???

Andrew Martin was pulled over last Sunday morning in Florida when an off-duty police officer thought he was driving recklessly.   Apparently, even though he did not smell of alcohol in any way, the officer believed that Martin's eyes were "glassy and bloodshot and his speech was slurred".   He proceeded to fail a field sobriety test (the hits just keep on comin') and then the officer found out that he was driving on a suspended/revoked license...at which point he got arrested.   On the way to jail, the officer claimed that Martin was "constantly falling asleep in my vehicle".   To put icing on the cake, Martin refused to take a urine test.

Yikes.

Martin's response is about as intelligent as you would expect from the guy:

"Considering I don't drink alcohol or do drugs, I don't know how the DUI is going to stand."

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I don't even know how to respond to that statement.   It's like saying, "Considering I don't have sex ever I don't know how that baby is mine."   Or maybe not.   Whatever.   Either way, it's a dumb statement to make.   If he's got a reason for why he acted like he was intoxicated at 10:30am on a Sunday morning, then fine.   Otherwise, take a big drink of shut-up juice and try to move on with your life.

Idiot.

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Item # 3 – " Santino's slap happy success ."

This may truly be the greatest newspaper headline ever.

The reason for the headline is because of the OVW incident that involved him, Jim Cornette, and the Boogeyman.   Needless to say, I don't think anybody on the planet who read about that incident during the time it actually happened ever thought Marella would ever get called-up to the main roster, much less become an actual superstar.

It's a good interview.   Read it.

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Item # 4 – HBK vs. Batista = GOLD.

I've never been the biggest HBK fan, that's no secret.   I've also never really jumped on Batista's bandwagon, either.   But I gotta say that the past two weeks of television (i.e. last week's Smackdown and this past week's RAW) have made me totally stoked to see their match (and subsequent feud) at Backlash.   The storyline is real...it's believable.   Different wrestlers are taking different sides.   They are trying to keep Batista face on Smackdown and Michaels face on RAW.   There are just so many good things going for it right now, it's hard to say that this doesn't have the possibility to be the feud of the year.

Of course this is WWE and, thus, it's very likely that the possibility of this feud getting flushed down the toilet is very real.   However, my hope is that this continues throughout the summer and WWE Creative takes the time and effort to really put some quality thought into the storyline, because this really has the chance to be a feud that is unique and different and extremely intriguing.

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Item # 5 – No salsa dancing, after all.

Which is no surprise, really.   I downloaded that pile of steaming shit called an actual television program by CBS and let me tell you...Flair is LUCKY that he didn't appear on this ridiculous train wreck.

http://www.newsday.com/topic/sns-ap-tv-secret-talents,0,624483.story

From the moment that figure skating chick started to just stand there and put one leg up by her head to thunderous crowd response, I really knew it was downhill from there.   Star Trek/Heroes/Howard Stern co-star George Takei sang a horrible country song and at least that made me laugh out loud, which is something country music singer Clint Black couldn't do when he did his stand-up routine.

I gotta admit, though...I was drooling while watching R&B singer Mya tap-dance her way into my heart.   She could have been in a burlap sack...I still would have thought she was the greatest celebrity ever.

But who did CBS's awesome website fanbase vote into the "next round"??   Clint Black and that ridiculously underwhelming skater chick.   It was at that very moment that I thought the show was doomed for cancellation.

Like I said...Flair should be thankful.   As if wrestling to age 59 wasn't enough to tarnish his incredible career, dancing the salsa on this horrific show would have only made things worse.

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Item # 6 – And this is why he's still pushed to the moon.

Here is a recent quote by Jim Ross:

"I would be willing to wager that the mere mention of John Cena, who, as best I know, will only be on the Monday Night Raw show in London in between filming a movie in New Orleans for the WWE, will flood arenas with boos, but at the end of the day Cena will still sell more merchandise than any other WWE Superstar who is on the tour in its entirety."

For everybody who whines and complains and bitches and moans about Cena's superman Hogan-esque push, this should really explain it all.   This is a business.   If it's good business to continue to push him, then who the hell are you to doubt it?   I mean, who are you to doubt El Dandy??

I gotta say...if Cena actually flies into London just for RAW and then flies right back out to continue his movie, then I'll have no choice but to give him mad props for being a freakin' machine.   Many a wrestler has dropped out of the business and/or have complained about the travel schedule...but Cena not only performs it with a smile on his face but he revels in it.

Hey Kurt...you can take a hint on how to act like a proper champion from this guy.

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Item # 7 – Ashley f*ckin' blows...

...and that's just not how she keeps her job, either.

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Note to WWE: stop wasting your precious air time and resources to this broad.   She's talentless...she's got zero charisma...and she's not overly attractive.   How she's getting a huge push and special entrance music when somebody gorgeous and talented like Mickie James gets treated like an afterthought is a crime.

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Item # 8 – At an impasse?

Samoa Joe has not yet officially signed a contract extension with TNA.   It's coming, apparently, but because of timing and details the contract hasn't yet been signed.   Kids...I think I speak for anybody who enjoys TNA in any way, shape, or form when I say the following:

Hey TNA...get your heads out of your collective asses and give this guy what he's looking for.

I might have climbed off the Samoa Joe bandwagon as of late, I also recognize the potential he has to bring in new fans if given the proper circumstances.   He is so important right now to TNA...probably more-so than Sting or Kurt Angle or even Booker T.   He, along with AJ Styles and Jay Lethal, represent the future of the wrestling business and the future superstars of TNA when these other guys finally hang up the wrestling boots...which really needs to be soon considering the age of those three individuals.

Here's a quote:

"It's a very long and involved process. I want to make sure I get the best out of it. TNA wants to make sure they get the best out of it. It's just because... mainly just how busy the schedule has been. We've been adding a lot of house shows. It's been tough to kind of sit down and get all the parties involved to kind of get things hammered out to make things final. Hopefully it will be over with soon."

TNA may cut costs and dick around the lesser guys on the roster like Shark Boy and James Storm and even Curry Man...but they gotta realize that a top home-bread star like Joe needs to be treated as such.

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Item # 9 – Jesse Ventura is the man.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with his political views, the interview that JG has with Ventura is one of the most entertaining I have ever heard on ClubWWI (and that includes the awesomeness that was JG along with myself and Bull Buchanan).   The guy is charisma personified and with JG's background in political science, this became a uniquely entertaining interview for a number of reasons.   Add to that his views on a couple of wrestling stories and you've got a big-time reason to sign-up to the Club.

Yeah...it's a cheap plug, but it's legit.

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Item # 14 – Lockdown predictions.

Let's make this quick...I don't really care, to be honest.

1. Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe (TNA title match)

-           Shakin' reader Gatrking sent me an interesting email this week.   Here is what he said: "In the previous year of pay per views, 8 of the 12 main events have held Kurt and Joe in the same match. 2 of those matches were one on one. Kurt Angle has also main evented EVERY SINGLE ONE of those 12 as well! Um.. holy shit? I haven't been a lifelong wrestling fan, but these numbers seem pretty staggering to me. Is this nothing new?"   It's nothing new for TNA because before Angle it was the Jeff Jarrett Show.   This is why TNA is stagnant right now and has been for awhile.   They don't know how to elevate their home-grown talent so they have to rely on Angle to carry the company...literally.   I mean, WWE has relied on Cena in a very similar way, but I don't watch RAW and feel it's the John Cena Show, where Impact is always the Kurt Angle Show.   Ugh.   Just end this feud, already.  

-           Winner:  Where the stipulation is that Joe will retire from TNA if he loses, it's a lock (Get it?   "Lock"??   Lockdown??   See what I did there???) that Joe's finally your new TNA champion.

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2. Team Tomko (Tomko, AJ Styles, Team 3-D, James Storm) vs. Team Cage (Christian Cage, Sting, Kevin Nash, Rhino, Matt Morgan)

-           If Morgan doesn't turn on Team Cage then I've totally misread this feud from the very beginning.

-           Winner: Team Tomko needs the rub...although I don't know if Nash will show up if his team is scheduled to do the job.

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3. X Championship Xscape match: Jay Lethal vs. Curry Man vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Johnny Devine vs. Shark Boy

-           This will be an incredible spot-fest and potentially the best match on the card.   Although, if they're not given enough time, this could end up looking really lame.   Obviously, I'm hoping they get time.

-           Winner: Anybody other than Curry Man is a crime.

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4. Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Payton Banks

-           How horrible is this going to be with Sharmell and Banks involved?   I mean, Booker vs. Roode in a cage would probably be pretty decent...but Sharmell can't wrestle and Banks isn't good enough to carry her.   This has "train wreck" potential written all over it.

-           Winner: Roode needs the rub, so Booker gets the win.

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5. BG James vs. Kip James

-           Hasn't everybody been waiting for these two long-time partners to turn on each other and feud like crazy?  

-           Winner: Yeah...

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6. Awesome Kong vs. Raisha Saeed vs. Gail Kim vs. ODB

-           I have zero clue who Raisha even is. I've seen the other three in action too many times to count.

-           Winner: Kong.

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7. Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky vs. Salinas vs. Rhaka Khan vs. Traci Brooks vs. Christy Hemme vs. Jacqueline vs. Roxxi Laveaux

-           OMG...is this actually a match???

-           Winner: Traci Brooks...just to see her bounce up and down in excitement over her victory.

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Item # 15 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Each and every week, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form. This week’s choice is somebody very few of you have heard of.   And for a change, it's actually a wrestler and it's not Test or Mike Knox.   Who is it??   This week's choice is...

"The Death Angel" Angelus Valkin!!!

WHO DAT???

Well, you may know him as his previous moniker...the Niggataker.   And no...I'm not kidding.

This guy has either been the subject of a huge indy-riffic rib or he's just a big tool.   Either way, this is incredibly funny to me.   And since it's my column...that's all that matters.

Basically, last year this indy wrestler did an interview with DOI stating a number of things...primarily that he didn't want to be known as the Niggataker, but rather "The Death Angel" Angelus Valkin.   He was pretty much buried in the interview.

But the fun came about this week when DOI published, apparently, an email conversation about booking a match that Valkin had with a future opponent (unnamed by DOI's choice).   The conversation is...well...interesting to say the least.   Here's just a sampling:

Here goes bro.... I hope u like...... as u may know ur heel I'm face.

(Unnamed Wrestler) starts makin his entrance gets assaulted outside the ring afew minutes takn a beatn..... then gets rolled inda ring (startnda match soundn da bell)

(face/me) rolls in afterwrd only for Name withheld to protect the innocent to take ova assault me while I'm rolln in.

(heel/ Unnamed Wrestler) does as he pleases taunts crowd..... he then picks me up afta the onslaught Irish whips me.

(face) ducks 2 gives taker clothesline..... followed up wit a kick 2the mid section then a scoopslam a kane clothesline.......... it 2 connects...... I taunt 4the chokeslam...... proceed 2 grab Name withheld to protect the innocent's throat.

(heel) Name withheld to protect the innocent then reverses it in 2 a implant DDT....... taunts crowd continues assault...... after afew moves he he goes 4an Irish whip........ bends down.

(face) clubs Name withheld to protect the innocentin the back..... setsup 4a powerbomb...... proceeds 2taunt

(heel) backdrops me falls 2his knees.... Upon my rising he greets me with a superkick

(doubledown) ref starts 2count

(heel) hits finihlsher
1,2 face kicks out
(heel) taunts crowd only 2turn in2 a boot.....
1,2 heel kicks out
(heel) takes spear........ 1,2,3 finish

Memorize this our match will be nice...... thx Name withheld to protect the innocent...... l8r

What's fun is not just this ridiculous booking of the match.   The response by his unnamed opponent is just that much better:

No. It makes no sense from the very first spot.

That's only a portion of the email conversation.   Once that fun is over, the situation continues from there.   According to DOI:

"Last night (4/5) at the WUW show in Brooklyn, NY, the above transcript appeared all over the building, as one WUW wrestler printed out approximately 100 copies of this and plastered it everywhere! The transcript was even handed out to the entire locker room, who basically laughed at the Niggataker when Niggataker got to the building.

Before Niggataker was laughed at in his face, he was an emotional trainwreck, and reported to be "very leaky from the eye ducts." Niggataker tried ripping down all the transcripts that were all over the building, but with 100 or so transcripts around the place, it was tough to get them all.

After this incident, Niggataker called the promoter of this upcoming match between himself and the innocent wrestler, to say that he refuses to job and this situation is entirely professional. Perhaps he should greet this whole situation with a superkick."

You gotta love indy wrestling.   It's a great read from top to bottom.

So congrats go out to future nobody The Niggataker "The Death Angel" Angelus Valkin on being ZAH's "Britney Spears Loser of the Week"!  

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Pillar to Post 

Each and every week (well...NORMALLY each and every week) I take three statements that you, the WorldWrestlingInsanity.com readers, have submitted on the hot topics du jour and then get two or three volunteers to give their thoughts and insight.  Ladies and gentlemen, this week I bring to you two great Insanity readers in Drowgoddess and Minkaro!!!

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1. Agree or Disagree
JBL should be the next WWE champion.

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Drowgoddess : Disagree.

Like many other fans, when JBL first won his world title, I was disgusted. I considered him a lifetime mid-carder who didn't deserve a main event role. Over the months of his title reign, I changed my mind completely. His mic skills were gold, his ring work was never stellar, but it suited what he was doing, and he really sold me on the "JBL" character. I freely admit to being wrong about him, and I ended up being highly entertained by WWE Champ JBL. His line to Orton that the audience might not like him (Orton) as champion, but they would really hate him (JBL) as champion was great.

That being said, the timing is wrong. I wouldn't mind seeing another JBL run as the WWE Champion, but he shouldn't be "the next" one. Orton has done so well, and should continue to do so. Orton has already demonstrated that he can't function well as a face. He's such a wonderful natural heel that he has to stay in that role. JBL as a character has to be a heel to be effective also. Heel-versus-heel matches can work for a short time, but a main event world title feud needs time to develop, and one of the two would end up playing the face role, whether he really intended to or not. If the idea is that the audience dislikes both of them, but just hates one guy more, that's not an idea that's going to work well for very long. Audiences can be odd in their reactions sometimes, much to the chagrin and dismay of booking committees and company chairmen. Every match doesn't require a clearly defined face and heel, but eventually, somebody has to be cheered and somebody has to be booed. Let JBL go after the belt when someone other than Orton has it.

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Minkaro: Disagree.

If JBL wins the championship, then Orton is logically going to want a rematch for that title, which leaves us with a heel vs. Heel mini-feud. WWE aren’t daft enough to want to do that, as there’s going to be nobody for the fans to get behind. A face turn for either JBL or Orton would do nothing at the moment, for either man. In the case of JBL, it would undo all the hard work of throwing midgets into cages. In the case of Orton, it just wouldn’t work. Orton is a natural arrogant git.

Orton shouldn’t be losing the championship for a while now. If he’s just successfully defended it on the “Grandest Stage Of Them All,” then it’s going to be anticlimactic to have him lose it at Backlash or Judgment Day, two “lesser PPVs.” As for a new champ, I wouldn’t mind it being Cena or Triple H, or another face (even Jeff Hardy, when he returns). Just have Orton lose it to a face, then after Orton and that face have had their rematches, enter JBL.   

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2. Agree or Disagree
Samoa Joe should not be the next TNA champion.

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Drowgoddess : Disagree.

The argument that TNA hopelessly missed the boat with Joe and booked him into oblivion from which there is no return has merit. Perhaps he should have been champ a long time ago, when people were going nuts for him. It may be a case of "too little, too late," but Joe should still be the next TNA champion because he has earned it. He hasn't had it yet, and Sting, Christian Cage, and Kurt Angle all have. Joe was the guy around whom the company should have been focused in the first place, and while some will say that "should have beens" don't matter and it's too late, this is wrestling. It may take some serious effort, but it isn't necessarily too late.

There are ways to get heat back. There are ways to regain credibility. Joe becoming TNA champion is a needed step in the right direction for the whole company. All else aside, I just want Joe to be champ. I know I'm not the only one.

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Minkaro: Disagree.

With all of Joe’s past unsuccessful efforts, it’s almost as if TNA are trying to build up our hopes with the possibility of a Joe title run. Either that, or every time they get close to pulling the trigger on it, they change their minds (I know, they’ve probably planned all this well in ad...no wait, it’s TNA, they’re making it up as they go along).

I remember after last year’s Bound For Glory, there were people complaining about Joe not winning the title. If he does win it now, it’s going to seem like too little too late for many people. Then again, if he doesn’t win it, that’s going to upset even more people.

TNA have waited too long to give Joe his title run, so now it’s not a matter of whether he gets the title in an epic match that pleases everybody, but it’s what they do with him when he has the title. Sadly, he’s probably going to lose it to Sting via DQ on Impact.

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3. Agree or Disagree
Matt Hardy should not be the next United States champion.

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Drowgoddess : Disagree.

The Matt Hardy/MVP feud helped make MVP. Lots of people have referred to it as the only reason they watched the show at all. One possible silver lining to Jeff Hardy's suspension, and possible permanent residence in Mid-card Purgatory, is that Matt is out of his brother's shadow. Matt's on TV. Jeff is not. Let Matt's popularity push him into a US title reign. If MVP is supposed to move on to bigger and better things, he'll have to drop it anyway, and there's absolutely no one to whom he should drop it more than Matt Hardy. Matt has his own flavor of charisma, strong in-ring skills, and he's better on the mic than he used to be. Cut the guy a break and let's see Matt Hardy as United States champion.

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Minkaro: Agree.

Both Hardy or MVP are ready to take that next step up into the main event status. Getting the US title off MVP, by giving it to Hardy, would allow MVP to leave the upper midcard behind (after a title rematch, of course, I will not stand for people losing their titles and not trying to get them back). As for Hardy, he is over enough to just skip the US title run, and go straight for the main belt. Looking back at question one, where I mentioned “another face” being the one to dethrone Orton, that could even be Matt Hardy (Matt vs. Undertaker is also something I wouldn’t mind).

The US Title does need to come away from MVP’s waist sometime in the near future, but Matt shouldn’t be the one to take it from him. Matt doesn’t need the United States title to elevate his character, so there’s no harm in waiting until someone who does comes along.

Of course, playing devil’s advocate to myself here, in a Gollum-esque moment of madness: If Matt doesn’t win the US title, then we’re going to be left with a feeling of disappointment, as Matt will have never gotten that final one-up over MVP.

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Great job, guys! I appreciate your efforts this week.    I'm looking forward to seeing who joins me next week.   

What...you've never participated before?    Or maybe you have and would like to do it again?

Hey...you ALL have a chance to be part of an upcoming column.    You get a chance to have your thoughts on the crazy world of professional wrestling read by thousands every week.    This truly is open to everybody!    And with a new year comes a new list...I'm still basically starting from scratch, people.    Contact me NOW and you'll be put at or near the top of the list.    Why wait?   

I want readers to participate!

Got something to say?   You can let me know either by e-mailing me at Zah@worldwrestlinginsanity.com , hitting me up at ZAH Nation (found on the Insanity Message Board ), or look me up on Facebook as ZAH Insanity and letting me know that you'd like to participate (and then join the Insanity Facebook page ).    

So until next week, take care.