ZAH
Shakin' My Head: Haas IS Perfect, Mysterio courted by another promotion, Evan Bourne's championship potential, Delirious & the Age of the Fall, THE OSIRIAN PORTAL in 'Pillar to Post', Loser of the Week, plus much more!!
By ZAH
Sep 26, 2008 - 7:02 AM

09-26-08

" Falling down like a domino... "

Boo-yah...here we go!! 

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Item # 1 – Absolutely PERFECT!!

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Listen, I'm not the biggest Charlie Haas fan in the world, but I've always respected him for two things: his in-ring ability and his ability to stay married to one of the hottest chicks on the planet.

And let's not kid ourselves...it's not like Charlie has suddenly become Mr. Personality.   His delivery is stiff and his actions are overly animated and awkward.   Of course, that's half the fun, isn't it?  

Haas isn't going to become world champion doing this gimmick.   But at this point, that doesn't matter.   Haas is entertaining the living sh*t out of me...that's what matters.

And it's not a long-term gimmick, either.   It's not like Haas can be everybody BUT himself for the rest of his career.   And no offense to Haas, it's not like he's got the comedic timing and delivery of somebody like Santino Marella...so this can only take him so far (think "Indeed" with Funaki).

This is a short-term but VERY fun thing...and I'm totally going to enjoy it while I can.    

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Oh...and this is legit...the spoof on Perfect was one of the funniest things I've seen in wrestling in years.    

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Simply tremendous!

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Item # 2 – Rey Mysterio almost left WWE.

I'm really surprised this story hasn't garnered more attention.   I'm assuming it's because nobody truly believes that Rey would leave WWE for anybody at this point...but once you hear the offer that was made, you can truly understand just how close Mysterio was to leaving WWE for AAA.

Yes...AAA down in Mexico.  That AAA.  

Want to know why Rey has been seriously considering another promotion?   AAA offered seven figures.   This, in an of itself, is probably very close to what WWE was offering him to re-sign with them.   Of course, with merchandise and the like it's very possible that Rey Rey could make more with WWE.   So that wasn't all AAA offered.

Their offer included a 3-movie deal. 

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Yep.   Rey Mysterio could have very well been a movie star in Mexico.   In fact, AAA told him that they wanted him to become the next El Santo and become a star that transcended just wrestling.   They wanted to make him a wrestling AND movie star...a future legend in the country.

So while his signing with WWE has either already happened or is considered to be imminent, it's interesting to note that WWE isn't the only player in town these days.   Smackdown's ratings in the Hispanic market have taken quite a tumble since Mysterio's departure, and with WWE making a major play on Mexican television it couldn't have been a better time for Mysterio to become a free agent.

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Item # 3 – Rey Mysterio to unmask?

Here's something else that hasn't really been discussed much this past week.

Call me crazy...but listen, Kane has been rambling on about Rey's mask for weeks now...even teasing bringing back his own mask to put on.   Why make the mask such a focal point of their feud?

Then last Monday night, after Rey tried to save Evan Bourne from a post-match beat-down, Kane yelled at him about being a coward because he hides behind his mask.

Then it hit me...that's possibly the entire purpose of this feud: to unmask Rey Mysterio.

I don't know why it would even be a consideration (easier for Rey to make a movie, perhaps?), but WWE are at least teasing the possibility...and that's got me worried.

The marketing possibilities are through the roof with Mysterio in his mask. I just don't see the benefits of him without it.   WCW did it and it totally killed any "mystery" that his character had.   I mean, the guy is probably marketable without the mask, too...but there are definitely more possibilities with it on, especially in a large market that doesn't see very many masked wrestlers.

I hope I'm wrong...but I don't have the best feeling about this.

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Item # 4 – Evan Bourne: future WWE champion?

Every once in awhile, a wrestler comes along that blows fans out of the water with their in-ring abilities. It's rare...but it happens.

Up until recently, those people normally were relegated to opening-card matches in WCW or being stuck on the indies because of their lack of size, their lack of mic skills, or because people claimed their spots wasn't really considered "working".

Rey Mysterio's world title reign changed that, I think. Heck...even the Kendrick/London tag title reign on Smackdown enforced that change. Not to mention the success of the (pretty much defunct) X-Division in TNA or the title run of CM Punk on RAW (it's not like he's a walking muscle or anything).   Let's be honest here; spots can be phenomenally impressive if done at the right times.

In terms of WWE product, all you have to do is look at the current pushes of Santino Marella & Brian Kendrick to see a continuation of that mindset continuing to change the business. 

That brings me to Evan Bourne. If this kid continues to impress the casual fans...he will be a singles champion by WrestleMania.

Right now, the big thing about Bourne isn't just that he blows away internet smarks like myself who rave about his workrate. Nah...that would probably be considered a hindrance more than anything else.

One reason that Matt "Evan Bourne" Sydal is so "over" right now is that he blows away the casual fans doing moves they rarely, if ever, get to see. 

But what is contributing to his push the most is that he is also blowing away WWE management by doing these moves so crisp and clean that there is little fear of injury (ahem...Billy Kidman...cough cough).  Add to that his goody-two-shoes good looks (sorry, Paul London) and you've got a recipe for a title reign of some sort.

He's not very good on the mic, but he may end up like Mysterio or either one of the Hardys where he's simply good enough on the mic to be passable when it comes to a championship run.

This kid has a hell of a future, in spite of his size.

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Item # 5 – Awww...TNA might be mad at Canadian fans.

Boo f*ckin' hoo.

From what I read, there are those inside TNA who aren't too thrilled with the reaction the fans gave the AJ Styles vs. Frank Trigg fiasco on PPV a couple of weeks ago.

F*ck those people.

I'm so sick and tired of TNA apologists and spin doctors always creating excuse after excuse for things the fans crap on.   Guess what, TNA?   Fans will crap on what they don't like.   The sooner you can actually learn that, the better off you may be.

That match was the drizzling sh*ts.   I don't care if people didn't give it a chance...it sucked.   Hard.   I didn't watch a TNA PPV to watch a fake MMA match.   I watched a TNA PPV on the off chance that I'd get some awesome wrestling, which is something I haven't gotten from TNA much over the past few months.

And other than Lethal/Dutt (in SPITE of the batsh*t insane reason for their match), not a single match on that PPV made me want to watch TNA on a regular basis.

So when you throw out a guy in wrestling gear and another guy in MMA gear and they fake-fight as if it were a real fight instead of fake-fight as if it were a fake-fight (wait...what??)...well, I just don't know what you expected.

Don't blame Canada.   Stop blaming loud smarks in the stands.   Stop whining about the negative blogs and articles and columns and message board posts being thrown your way.

Stand up...realize that you're spinning your wheels...find a f*cking DIRECTION to go in, and just do it.  ROH has an identity.  Chikara has an identity.  NOAH, Dragon Gate, JAPW, JCW, WWE...they ALL have identities.  Just who in the heck are you, TNA?

I'm so frustrated that a promotion that was awesome just two years ago has fallen so hard because they don't have an identity.   Total non-stop action?   Since when?   The only thing non-stop about TNA lately is the post-match TO THE BACK!!! cuts by the director.

And it's a shame, too.   TNA has so much talent to offer, yet their booking and writing and creative team are just so intent on trying to out-WWE the WWE that they have totally forgotten what has brought them to the dance to begin with.

I'll give you two guesses as to what that is.   And no...it's not a masturbating midget in a trash can.

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Item # 6 – Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling...

...doesn't look bad at all.

I know...crazy, right?   Well, just take a look at the previews on HulkHogan.com and I think you'll agree that this show doesn't look like it's going to suck.   In fact, with guests like Goldberg and Rob Van Dam...not to mention some of the celebrity bickering and in-fighting...I think this show may surprise a LOT of people.

It debuts 10/18 on CMT...so we'll find out for sure then if it's got legs.   But right now, I've got my hopes up (and I'm no Hogan fan).   This could definitely be fun.

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Item # 7 – Delirious + Age of the Fall = All shades of awesomeness.

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I have loved this entire storyline from the very beginning.

I admit...I'm a total mark for the Age of the Fall. I love their gimmick.   Their messages, while probably 100% work, speak to me and many other fans who watch this crazy business. 

But that's what wrestling fans are, aren't we?   We're seen as the outcasts, the downtrodden, the wannabe's. You're not going to see the cream of the crop of society sitting back every Monday night watching RAW, nor are you going to see high society sitting in front of a computer posting on a message board or blog.

The Age of the Fall want you to know that you're not alone. You're "one of us".   It's a gimmick that works because for as many people that love this faction, there are three times as many who absolutely HATE the gimmick.

Still...the "you're one of us" part of the group is probably the main reason fans turned QUICKLY on Daizee Haze when she told Delirious "I just want to be friends" recently. I don't really think Gabe Sapolsky realized how much the guys in the wrestling audience had heard some chick say that before to them and just wanted to scream for the pain it gave them.

And that's where Delirious comes into the AOTF. It's not "mind control" as Daizee would have you believe. It's home. It's family. 

But kayfabe aside, this whole storyline has helped elevate Rhett Titus (who has a bright future ahead of him, I think), pushed Daizee Haze, gave Delirious something new and meaningful to do, and gave the Age of the Fall a legitimate reason for accepting one more member into their fold (that they desperately needed with the "defection" of Necro Butcher).

The latest ROH video wire has a BIG TIME "damage control" vignette featuring Daisee Haze. As I mentioned, ROH crowds have been turning on Haze for turning down Delirious and now ROH is in full spin doctor mode and doing their best damage control in an attempt to keep her babyface and a sympathetic character, while Age of the Fall are supposed to be the ones with "mind control" over Delirious and remain hated.

I dunno...while they may be heels, it's gonna take a LOT to keep Haze as a babyface in this feud.   I think you're going to see Delirious sink to new depths to make sure that happens.

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Item # 8 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Each and every week, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form. 

This week was no effort at all.   As soon as I heard this story, I immediately knew who was getting chosen.   So in saying that, this time around ZAH's Loser of the Week is...

Batista!!!

So the deal is that Batista isn't happy with his current push. He doesn't think he's being treated as a "true main eventer". He's not "upper echelon".

I really just don't understand the whining coming from this guy.

He doesn't like his storylines, he doesn't like his pushes...regardless of the fact that WWE continues to put him over pretty much EVERYBODY. The only thing he doesn't have right now is a title belt...or a super-huge one-on-one storyline. But he's sent around the world as a goodwill ambassador and is making, reportedly, about 2 million a year.

But yet Batista's now bitching and crying about probably hanging up the tights in a couple of years.   He even wants a rest now...mainly because of his unhappiness.

Waaaaah!!! I destroyed Shawn Michaels on PPV.

Waaaaah!!! I pinned John Cena on PPV.

Waaaaah!!! I destroyed CM Punk but got screwed out of the title.

Waaaaah!!! I'm not being pushed like an upper echelon wrestler.

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PILLAR TO POST

WHO ARE YOUR FIVE FAVORITE TAG TEAMS OF ALL TIME AND WHY?

Alright, I've got a really fun special guest this week.   In fact, I've got TWO special guests (this is about tag teams, after all) who I raved about in my latest audio review on ClubWWI .   It's a real pleasure to have this team join me...I mean, it's not every day I speak to Egyptians.

Let me explain.

My guests are 'The Venomous and Vile' Ophidian, and 'The Funky Pharaoh'  Amasis. Collectively, this tandem is known as The Osirian Portal . These great men hail from the last great dynasty of Egypt. That dynasty is the 26th one, which is ruled by The Funky Pharaoh himself, Amasis.

The snake that accompanies him is right hand man, Ophidian. Appointed to him by the god Osiris, Ophidian is capable of taking down any man that stands in the way of Amasis and his eventual world domination.

Got all that?   Good.

Hey...the bottom line is that these guys are quickly becoming one of my favorite tag teams.   They are rookies but trust me...if you get a chance to see them in the ring you'll quickly find that very hard to believe, they have become that good.   They've got one of the most entertaining gimmicks on the entire planet, and I'm looking forward to them eventually winning the Campeonatos de Parejas (i.e. the Chikara tag team titles).  

Ladies and gents, my special guests this week are...

THE OSIRIAN PORTAL!!

" It was just a few years ago that Ophidian and I, Amasis, discovered this form of combat your civilizations calls Professional Wrestling. We can only watch Pro Wrestling and enjoy it while in the lands of the future. After all, we don’t have electricity and technology in 571 B.C. I’ll be typing for Ophidian since he is still learning how to use a computer. He won’t stop head butting the keyboard when attempting to type...  

1. Barry Horowitz and Hakushi
This Barry Horowitz reminds my serpentine friend and I of the good times back home with the Jews I have enslaved. Throw some wacky Easterner with a bunch of bodily markings in a tag with him and I can be entertained for days upon end.

2. The Kings of Wrestling (Chris Hero and Claudio Castagnoli)
This is one of two teams that The Osirian Portal have studied night after night. The Kings of Wrestling have made history. Holding the CHIKARA, CZW and ROH Tag Team Titles all at the same time is a feat that only the Gods could have achieved. The bar has been raised and set by those two men. Having been trained by Hero and Castagnoli (and Mike Quackenbush), we also have the tools needed to raise the bar even higher.  

3. The Road Warriors (Hawk and Animal)
Ophidian loves this team. While the hot sands of Egypt have made my feet smooth and funky, it has toughened Ophidians skin. When he’s in the ring, it's all business just like this team. The Doomsday Device was Death!

4. RVD and Sabu         
This team had it all. They were agile, hardcore and charismatic. Much like Ophidian and myself, they were men from two different walks of life whose contrasting styles meshed together perfectly. Their differences brought them success. We truly have studied every aspect of their game. We’ve even perfected their finishing attack and rechristened it “The Osirian Sacrament”.

5. The BLKOUT (Ruckus/Sabian/Eddie Kingston/Joker)
My Personal Favorite. Ophidian thinks they showboat and talk too much but that’s part of the game. What’s more embarrassing: Just getting beaten or getting beat after someone has talked a bunch of trash and danced all over your fallen body? 

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