03-22-08

" Hypocrisy, don't tread on me . "

Boo-yah...here we go!! 

***

Item # 1 – Maria is a freak.

I can't tell you just how happy a guy I am only for knowing what I now know about Maria. I mean, she's been portrayed as such the goody two shoes her entire WWE career that it always was a deep, dark fantasy of mine to know that she was a bad girl at heart.

Oh yeah...not only is she a bad girl, she's a VERY bad girl.   Here are some excerpts from her Playboy interview/pictorial:

Playboy: Have any of your wrestling injuries ever affected your performance in bed?
WWE Diva Maria: Most of my injuries haven't really been anything too bad where I couldn't perform properly. But if I'm really beat up and sore then the guy can take a little bit of time with me and make me feel better. I would just kind of lay down and take it, rather than have to do any of the work.

So she's lazy.   Tsk tsk.

Playboy: What are your favorite sexual positions?
Maria: I like being on bottom. I have so much control in the outside world, I don't necessarily want it when I'm in the bed. Depends on my mood. Sometimes I can be aggressive; other times I'm pretty passive.

Well done, Playboy.   Your pictorial sucks but at least you're asking the right questions.   Right off the back I'm now blessed to know that Maria likes getting pounded more than she likes to play the cowgirl role.   Good for her.   Every all-American girl should be as up-front and honest.   Again, though...still kinda lazy.

Playboy: What do you like to sleep in?
Maria: I'm actually pretty plain, when it comes to what I sleep in. I just wear sweats to bed. But when I'm walking around the house, it's just me in a pair of shorts, or just some pants. I'm usually topless.

Oh my god.   Can you imagine...coming home and watching Maria just walking around in a pair of shorts and nothing else?   It's quite sad, really...I have now decided to judge all future relationships against this incredible woman.   Probably not a good idea, but I don't really care at this point.

Playboy: You call your boobs "Tiggers." What are your nicknames?
Maria: I have a couple of nicknames. Kitty is the big one right now, from the way I act in bed -- from crawling or the way I arch my back during sex.

Ummm...I don't think I really have the words.

Playboy: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Wait....wait just one second.   Did they just ask what I think they asked???

Playboy: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Yep...yes they did.   Wow.   Just wow.

Maria: Oh, definitely giving. Boys are gonna love that one!

No shit...ya think??

Oh well now...that's just not right.   I'm sure she's not one to kiss and tell...

Playboy: Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?
Maria: Oh, gosh, there've been a bunch. Of course I've done the whole pool table thing. Done the really, really disgusting dirty bathroom on a road trip. I hope my mom doesn't read this -- I've done the parents' bed. Never done it in the bathroom [on a plane] but I might have done a few acts in the seat sitting next to someone. I've done it in the car. I've done the balcony at a hotel...that one was recent.

And thus concludes the greatest interview ever done on the face of the planet anywhere.   Goody two shoes  my ass.   I'm in love.

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Item # 2 – Kurt Angle is insane.

It's about once a week when Kurt Angle comes out and says something stupid.   He's really becoming the Hulk Hogan of his generation...especially considering that Hogan only says stupid things only occasionally now.

This week was no exception.   Angle told BetweenTheRopes.com  that he and Samoa Joe's match at the next TNA pay-per-view, Lockdown, will probably be an MMA match.   Yes...you read that correctly.   Y'know, because Angle has been training for fifty years three times a day to battle Randy Couture and Kimbo Slice at the same time with one arm tied behind his back...

“Joe and I are actually putting a hell of a match together that is going to be very much MMA oriented. It’s going to be inside a cage. I don’t even think we’re wearing shoes. We’re going to tape our ankles. We’re going to be putting on the gloves.”

Can you just imagine the train-wreck that would be a worked MMA match between these two?   No frickin' boots???   Are you serious???   I'm not dishing out thirty bucks to watch that nonsense (well...I'm not dishing out any money to see it anyway but that's besides the point).

I mean, I'm all for TNA trying to make their product a little more serious and less goofy.   I've been bitching about TNA for over a year now...crying a little bit more inside every time I have to see "Maple Leaf Muscle" or "Black Machismo" or "The Prince of Phenomenal" instead of kick-ass wrestling matches that thrilled and entertained me on a weekly basis.

But an MMA-style match?   Hard-hitting, sure...I can understand that.   They need to make things interesting since they already battled each other a hundred times already on PPV.   But MMA?   I think Kurt's on crack, to be honest.   He continues to make his wrestling legacy more and more of a joke each and every time he does an interview.   I'm really hoping that JG doesn't get him for an RFI for the simple reason that there's nothing he could say that would even be remotely interesting at this point.   Everything he says is not interesting...it's ridiculous.   I guess you can make the argument that it's interesting to see what bullshit story Angle is going to spew out next...but there's only so many times you can cry wolf before people stop taking you seriously, and I truly believe that happened to Angle long ago.

When is somebody ( ahem....Jeff Jarrett...Dixie Carter... ) gonna pull their heads out of their asses and tell Kurt that he's hurting TNA every time he opens his big mouth, not helping it.   Kurt's a f*cking joke right now.   Even Couture responded to him this week to question him.   I question his goddamn sanity.   The only thing that makes me believe Kurt Angle isn't a lying raving lunatic is that he's got one fine-ass, hot wife.  

Of course...she could be as f*ckin' nuts as he is.

***

Item # 3 – TNA has been served.

I was all ready to call it a day on this column when I saw the following on the WrestlingObserver.com  website:

TNA was delivered a lawsuit filed by Konnan, claiming racial discrimination & drug usage among top executives in the company. He brought up how TNA didn't pay for his hip replacement surgery (they loaned him money for it, but I don't think the loan was ever paid back), nor paid for Ron Killings' knee surgery but did pay for Scott Steiner's throat surgery. The suit mentions Vince Russo's comments from 2000 in WCW about how Americans don't want to see Japanese and Mexicans in the main events, which were apparently a part of Sonny Onoo and several African-American wrestlers including Hard Body Harrison getting huge settlements from WCW in a high profile case.

Wow.   I knew that Konnan was made at the company and all, but this??   I didn't really see a lawsuit coming.   Now that it's here?   He appears to have some solid examples to prove his case.   Although I have no clue what the "drug usage" part of the suit has to do with racial discrimination...but whatever.  

Reports are saying that the lawsuit is for $7 million (ouch...really?) and that there are at least two examples sited of racial slurs being used.   So the question really becomes will Panda try to settle as soon as possible to avoid any negative publicity for the company or will they fight it?

It's not that bad, though.   Really.   I mean, this can't be any worse in terms of negative exposure than Pacman Jones making it rain.

***

Item # 4 – Jim Duggan + Hillbilly Jim + Stacy Carter + reality show = ???

I find it hard to believe, but apparently somebody decided that having "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart, Hillbilly Jim, Al Snow, Stacy "The Cat" Carter (Jerry Lawler's ex), and "Leaping" Lanny "The Genius" Poffo all doing a reality show would make for some fine television.  

Yikes.

I honestly haven't read any more information than that, but what else do you need to know?   The report said that nobody actually got in the ring and wrestled, so I'm assuming it was just a gang bang or something like that.  

Although, on second thought, I could be way off on that one.   I mean, we all know just how much Stacy hates being unclothed and all.   So let's just assume it's these six has beens wrestling celebrities discussing the political landscape and how Obama Girl  was really the reason for the world to be able to smell what Barack is cookin'.

Although, on third thought, Lanny Poffo is a blubbering idiot who would talk to himself about politics for hours before realizing he was the only one in the room...and THEN he'd probably decide to hold a press conference so he could ask himself questions for more insight.   So let's just assume these six fucktards sports entertainment legends are going to be stuck in a house for a week without any television or radio or board games or newspapers to help pass the time.   Of course, if that was the case then it might just end up like my first idea.   Hmmm.....

Alright...let's just assume that the whole thing is gonna suck donkey balls.   That's much easier to digest and is probably closer to the "reality" of the situation.

***

Item # 5 – Just when you thought it was safe to watch television again...

It was released this week that Ric Flair will be on a new CBS reality show called "Secret Talents of the Stars".   That, in itself, is a pretty cool news story.   I mean, it's Ric By God Flair...on network television...being an ambassador for sports entertainment.   Sounds good so far, right?   Of course, then you have to read about what the show is actually about from the official press release :

"Each week, celebrities will compete in a tournament-structured format to determine who has the BEST unknown talent. Each performer of SECRET TALENTS OF THE STARS will fulfill his/her dream by practicing, and then performing live, many supported by a headline production troupe. Each performance will be critiqued by three judges - but it's the viewers who get to vote for the celebrity that has impressed them the most. Each week, the "Viewer Vote" will determine which celebrities move on in the competition, and who will go home."

Ummm...okay.   So this is gonna be like American Idol only with celebrities...and it won't be just singing...and they'll have a "headline production troupe"...and you don't have to be great, just be able to "impress" the judges the most based on having the best unknown talent.

Alrighty then.   So I'm assuming that Flair's not gonna sing.   What else could his hidden talent actually be?   How 'bout this...let's take a look at the other A-List Celebrities (other pic) and see what they're doing first?

Clint Black – this totally washed-up country singer is going to be a stand-up comedian.

George Takei – this former Star Trek pilot and part-time Howard Stern announcer is going to try his best to up-stage Black by singing a country music song.

Malcolm-Jamal Warner – You just knew that The Cosby Show would define his career.   Theo is gonna join a "Hip Hop Orchestra" on bass guitar as they perform an original song.   Wow.   There are no words.

Marla Maples – This is Donald Trump's former wife who is a celebrity simply for f*cking Donald Trump and being his wife.   Honestly.   CBS calls her an actress and a model...but she f*cked Trump...that's why she's famous.   And as much as I would love to see her BJ skills as being a hidden talent, she is apparently going to present "her gymnastic abilities with The Anti-Gravity Troupe featuring unusual gear, aerials, flips and bungee mechanics".   Kids, you can't make this shit up.

Joe Frazier – The boxing legend is going to sing an R&B song.

Sheila E – This one-hit wonder will juggle.   Seriously.   No shit.   I ain't lyin'.

Roy Jones Jr. will rap (hopefully while punching somebody in the face to make it more "ghetto").   Cindy Margolis will perform magic (if she's not annoying then that'll be the real magic trick).   Ben Stein will dance the Jitterbug ( Bueller....Bueller... ).

So what in the blue hell is Ric Flair going to do???

Ric Flair will surprise viewers with his salsa dancing skills .   Dear god in heaven...

The show starts on Tuesday, April 8^th.   You better believe that my TiVo will be set to record on that night.   Good god...consider me the first on the train-wreck bandwagon for this show.   I cannot wait.

***

Item # 6 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Each and every week, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form. This week’s choice is an organization instead of an individual.   It was a last-minute change and I stand by the decision.   This week's choice?

TNA!!!

Yeah...you're getting sued in a potential high-profile racial discrimination case.  Even if you somehow are found innocent of everything, charges like this really stick with a company.   You'd think that employing the same guy who cost WCW a ton of money with the Sony Onoo lawsuit would be wary of following through with decisions that could be interpretated in such a way.   Oh well...whatcha gonna do? So congrats have to go out to TNA for being ZAH's "Britney Spears Loser of the Week"!  

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Pillar to Post 

Each and every week (well...NORMALLY each and every week) I take three statements that you, the WorldWrestlingInsanity.com readers, have submitted on the hot topics du jour and then get two or three volunteers to give their thoughts and insight.  Ladies and gentlemen, this week I bring to you WrestlingMayhemShow.com 's own DJ Sorg and Insanity reader Wayne Yeager!!!

 ,

1. Agree or Disagree
It is wrong to poke fun at Jeff Hardy's current situation.

DJ Sorg : That's a 50/50. 

The guy, on one hand, and from what we know so far, screwed up one of the biggest opportunities in his profession.  Whether it was over performance enhancers or something recreational wasn't clear, but the effect is.  This, compounded with a "wow, that sucks" factor of his house, and dog, being gone in a fire, is horrible, but worth commenting on.  I know we poked a slight bit of fun at it on our show, in the form of referencing his unfortunate luck.  But I think most are lashing out because so many have been behind Jeff being the "next big thing" finally, after all of these years.

Wayne Yeager:   Agree.

I'll admit.  At first, I thought "Hey, what a moron to get busted again."  But then as I thought about it, I really feel sorry for him.  I'm a youth minister.  I work with teenagers.  I've seen too many lives hurt and ruined because of drug and alcohol abuse.  It's sad when you hear stories of so-and-so's parents or brother or sister OD-ing on drugs.  It's sad to think that Jeff Hardy, who literally was at the top of his game (I believe he was in line for a run with the title) is brought down by an addiction of some sort, whether that be pain killers, steroids or some other kind of drug.  It's made even worse to hear about his home burning to the ground.  I've been guilty of poking fun at others (like Brittany Spears, but really, even her life is a sad tale.), but lately, I just feel like addiction and someone else's repeated problems are no laughing matter.  A guy on a video missing a skating trick and landing on his butt is pretty funny (if he's not seriously hurt.)  A guy dealing with a serious addiction (serious enough to threaten his job) is not.  

2. Agree or Disagree
The Motor City Machine Guns should be TNA tag champions right now.

DJ Sorg : Disagree. 

I can't agree that they should "have" the titles, but they should be in a higher profile fight for the titles.  They were handed, arguably by many, a bad storyline with Team 3-D burying the X-Division for months and made the best of it with their humor.  These guys showed up in our local IWC in December (returning this next month) and had one of the best indy tag matches I've seen.  These guys are moving up in respect across the industry.  Even if they had the belts, that doesn't make a tag division when the LAX might be the only on par team in the division.

Wayne Yeager:   Agree.

The MCMG are hot right now.  They are an exciting tag team with charisma that fans can get behind (and have).  I like A. J. Styles and Tomko.  They make great champs, and even function well as a team, which I doubted they would do successfully.  But, in the end, they are both better off as single's competitors.  The story they're in, with the Angle Alliance, takes away from the fact that these guys are a team and are tag champs.  It seems they do their Angle angle, show up on PPV (or once on IMPACT) to defend the titles with no build-up or feud, then go back to their Angle storyline.  The belts seem like big pieces of jewelry at this point.  On the other side, you have the MCMG who could use the rub from the belts and develop storylines and feuds BASED ON them being the tag team champs.  TNA could generate some interest (and rating and buys) by putting the belts on MCMG and have heel teams chase after them, including a heel turn by LAX, which would make for a great summer feud.  Even Rock N' Rave could be carried in a mini-feud with the Guns.  How much cooler would the 3D and Guns feud had been if the tag belts were at stake too.  So, yes, MCMG should be champs by now and hopefully TNA will pull the trigger on that while they're hot.

3. Agree or Disagree
With the main event on RAW being just one example, WWE seems intent on unnecessarily destroying their mid-card roster in order to promote their upper carders.

DJ Sorg : Agree. 

It does seem as though WWE has been putting their mid-carders in more situations to just be cannon fodder for the main eventers.  But I think the current dynamic with joint PPVs across 3 brands, etc, etc right now has opened up the new brand of "jobber" these days.  Instead of the flux of no name indy guys, they have an internal job squad instead.  People they can rely on to know they will make their upper guys to look good, as apposed to getting someone who doesn't work WWE style all of the time.  And in turn, the ECW title has become the "mid card" in the PPV scene, along with other story lines to occupy headliners not in the title picture at the moment, pushing the rest of the mid card out of the picture.

Wayne Yeager:   Agree.

The one glaring thing I noticed from past Monday's RAW was the entire "RAW roster" consisted of all mid-carders, JBL, Yumanga (who are really upper mid-carders at this point - though both have main evented in the past) and HHH.  When they announced it would be the whole roster (and even showed the image leading up to the match) I saw Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Big Show, Jericho and others.  Yet, none of them were in the match.  So either they are not on the RAW Roster or they're too important to look bad when only HHH survives at the end of the match.  And that's not the only example.  Big Show knocking out Jericho weakens him.  Kennedy getting beaten by Finley before the match starts weakens him.  CM Punk losing to Edge in the middle of a RAW weakens him.  (Don't get me wrong, Punk should lose to Edge, but the point is, he should not be wrestling Edge one-on-one at this point.  None of the MITB people should be.)  Only MVP seems to be winning and he needs help to do it over Batista.  The WWE feels good right now, maybe bordering on cocky.  They have several main event stand-bys ready with Cena, HHH, Orton, Edge, Taker, Batista and Big Show.  However, it was not that long ago that WWE was getting thin on main eventers.  When that comes up again, WWE will have only themselves to blame because they are only hurting themselves by promoting their top guys at the expense of they mid-carders and up and comers.

***

Great job, guys! I appreciate your efforts this week.   I'm looking forward to seeing who joins me next week.  

What...you've never participated before?   Or maybe you have and would like to do it again?

Hey...you ALL have a chance to be part of an upcoming column.   You get a chance to have your thoughts on the crazy world of professional wrestling read by thousands every week.   This truly is open to everybody!   And with a new year comes a new list...I'm still basically starting from scratch, people.   Contact me NOW and you'll be put at or near the top of the list.   Why wait?  

I want readers to participate!

  ,

 ,

No problem.    Seriously...it's not a problem at all.    NOW is the time for you to volunteer.    Really...RIGHT NOW!!    It's a brand new year and I need a brand new list of guest columnists.

You can let me know either by e-mailing me at Zah@worldwrestlinginsanity.com , hitting me up at ZAH Nation (found on the Insanity Message Board ), or look me up on Facebook as ZAH Insanity and letting me know that you'd like to participate (and then join the Insanity Facebook page ).    

So until next week, take care.