04-05-08

"I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a sh*t ."

Boo-yah...here we go!! 

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Item # 1 – I have no idea what I'm doing...

I'm not really an MMA fan.   I'm not a UFC fan.   Something came up where I couldn't do either the UFC Fight Night review or my weekly Shakin' My Head column.   So that means I'm gonna sit down and combine BOTH aspects into one big super-column.

Now having said that...I have no clue how this is gonna turn out or where it's gonna go.   All I know is that I'm going to watch the UFC Fight Night program and during it, if something pops into my head, I'll write some wrestling tidbits or something.   I dunno...you're getting what you pay for.

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Item # 2 – No story?   No problem.

Besides being "fake vs. real", the biggest difference between MMA and professional wrestling is the fact that MMA doesn't script storylines to make things interesting.   They rely on the fighters themselves...they rely on past fights...they rely on reputations...they rely on the unpredictable.   I'm already interested in the main event of the show because, apparently, I'm told both men are two of the greatest fighters in the entire world.   Who am I to judge?   I'll just take their word for it.  

But it's not just the main event.   They (i.e. UFC) does this probably better than anybody in the world.   Just as nobody does a video package like WWE, nobody hypes a fight between relative unknowns more than UFC.   I mean, they could make Brian Kendrick vs. Kenny Dykstra seem like a main event match anywhere in the world.   Actually...if given, say, an ROH ring and 25 minutes...that could possibly be a main event.

But I digress...

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Item # 3 – The return of Cryme Tyme??

What the hell did I miss??   I mean, I'm all for the return of these guys and all...but this really just came out of nowhere.   This is what I enjoy about post-Mania shows: the surprise debuts.

The funny thing about this is that Cryme Tyme posted a little message on their MySpace this past week that led people to believe that they were going to TNA.   The message said: TNAB.   Immediately, people were saying that this meant "TNA Bound"...which made Monday's re-debut even more surprising, forget the fact that it was a incident with Murdock & Cade on the road that led to Cryme Tyme's release in the first place.   The suggestion now is that the acronym actually meant "The N*ggas Are Back"...which makes more sense, really.

I was never a big CT fan, but I gotta say that the crowd was definitely into them.   If they can stay out of trouble and continue to hype the crowds, then they could possibly see some tag team gold in their future, not to mention perhaps breathe some life into an otherwise dead tag division.  

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Item # 4 – Houston "The Assassin" Alexander vs. "The Sandman" James Irvin.

I love the ring announcer, by the way.   Bruce Buffer is fantastic.   He's no Fink...but he's better than Michael.

Are you f*cking kidding me????   In under TEN SECONDS this match is over????

Basically, Irvin snapped off a "Superman punch" that caught Alexander totally by surprise and that was pretty much it.   Irvin was immediately all over him and was punching with zero defense.

Of course, as soon as the referee stopped the fight, Alexander proclaimed to be perfectly fine and was upset over his mega-embarassing loss...but if expert analyst Joe Rogan (who is, by the way, one hell of an intelligent MMA analyst at this point) says it was a smart decision, I'm going along with him for the ride.

Still...that was mega-quick.   Too quick, in fact.   RATING: 1/10

However, it's announced that Irvin has just tied the record for fastest UFC knockout of all time.   That's gotta count for something, right?   NEW RATING: 3/10

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Item # 5 – "Ultimate Fighter 5" winner Nate Diaz vs. Kurt "Batman"Pellegrino.

Batman?   Really?  

Well...I'm not sure what the hell it means, but I'm thinking it means "I'll kick your ass in Round One".   Pellegrino absolutely pounded the snot out of Diaz in the first round.   He bloodied him...he grounded him...and then during the last minute, with Diaz thinking he was actually doing something, Pelligrino was taking the occasional punch in order to wear Diaz down.   Pretty darned good first round.

The second round was fought mainly on the ground in the first few minutes.   Diaz was on his back and Pellegrino was in the guard position and was throwing random punches and elbows almost completely at will.   Diaz powered his way up, though, and then hip-tossed Pellegrino to the ground again...only this time with him in control.

Then, out of nowhere, Pellegrino attempted a take-down but Diaz immediately wrapped a triangle choke onto him.   As soon as he clinched it in, Diaz KNEW he won the fight as he was actually celebrating while clamping down on the hold.   Sure enough, Pellegrino tapped out.

Very cool fight.   I enjoyed that a lot.   RATING: 7/10

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Item # 6 – Now THAT is how you say goodbye.

On the incredibly insightful post-WrestleMania audio featuring yours truly, JG, and Matt Dawgs, I mentioned that I thought it was rather odd that Ric Flair didn't milk his farewell pop as much as he totally could have.

I used the poor example of Hulk Hogan, but I mean come on...even Trish Stratus milked her retirement post-match pop longer than Flair did.   There were a couple of suggestions as to why, but I guess the real reason would be because he knew he would be saying goodbye the following night.

RAW's farewell to Flair was unbelievable.  Forget the post-broadcast shenanigans where Undertaker still couldn't find a way to drop kayfabe even for Flair, this was a moment on television where I had tears in my eyes.  This part of RAW really emphasized the connection that we, as fans, have with these wrestlers.

I mean, if a race driver retires most people probably don't tear up like crazy.  If a singer decides to quit singing, people don't normally break down at the mere sight of them.  This was something different. 

We, as wrestling fans, feel a connection to wrestlers that cannot adequately be described.  A lot of us "grew up" with Flair and to see a retirement play-out the way it did over last weekend was very emotional to take in.

Is he gone forever?  Probably not.  But wrestling as a profession going forward will have a VERY difficult time trying to match the emotion, class, and scope when presenting a retirement for any other wrestler.

Kudos, WWE.  When you do something right, you really do it right.

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Item # 7 – Matt "The Hammer" Hamill vs. "The Barbarian" Tim Boetsch.

How cool is it that Hamill is deaf?   Okay...not "cool", but you know what I mean.   Here you've got that Marlee Matlin chick on that dumb-ass dancing show, and you've now got Hamill beating the shit out of people in UFC.  It's a total take-over, I tell you!!

Seriously...that may actually totally work in his favor.   There are no audio distractions for him to concern himself with...the crowd is taken right out of the equation.   He's got no choice but to totally focus on what he's doing...which is something impaired people do when one of their senses is taken away.   The old adage that your other senses are heightened isn't just BS...it's fact.   I'm very intrigued as to how this will go.

Well...things were really dragging along in the first two minutes with a ground-and-no-pound situation going on.   Luckily, there is apparently a rule that states if the referee finds you f*cking boring, he'll make you break and get back up to start fighting again.   I like it.

As soon as they faced off, they threw identical round-house kicks which drew "oohs" from the audience.   Boetsch wanted to end things in spectacular fashion and attempted multiple times to hit a big-time uppercut, but each time he missed you could tell that it made him visibly winded.   However, Boetsch did connect with a nasty-ass knee to the mouth and Hamill threw some decent punches to finish a pretty solid round.

The second round was pretty much a back and forth affair for the first minute until Hamill took Boetsch down, at which point Hamill saw his opening.   That opening was him pounding Boetsch's head relentlessly over and over and over until the referee absolutely had no choice but to stop the fight.

Definitely a nice, solid, even battle.   RATING: 7/10

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Item # 8 – I'm still floored...

After Chris Jericho defeated CM Punk on RAW, I immediately wondered just why in the hell they awarded the Money In The Bank title shot to Punk in the first place.   I have no idea what they're going to do with him, but I'm certainly not going to crap on the situation just yet.   I mean, CM f*ckin' Punk won a huge gimmick match at WrestleMania...how can you argue with that???

Still...I'm concerned.   The announcers continually stated how every single person who won that title shot ended up winning the title. That totally leaves me to believe that Punk will be the first person to not take advantage and lose his title shot.   But is that such a bad thing?

Any fan of mine totally knows just how stoked I am to see Punk get his shining moment at the grandest stage of them all.   I'm excited about seeing Punk in action in person next month when WWE comes my way.   So right now I’m just going to let it all sink in.   I'm going to enjoy the situation while I still can.   I'm not going to think about the inevitable.

But I'll tell you what...nobody believed that Punk would win this match to begin with.   Just think of the possibilities if they truly believe in him enough to run with a title?   Just think...

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Item # 9 – Karo "The Heat" Parisyan vs. Thiago "The Pitbull" Alves.

I'll give kudos to anybody who wants one of their sponsors to be www.CondomDepot.com .   Good for you, Pitbull.   You must be a real dog in bed.   HA!!!   See what I did there?   Ahh, never mind.   But anyway, I mean it's not he's being sponsored by www.Viagra.com or anything, but it doesn't scream out "my sponsor is awesome", either...especially when your opponent is being sponsored by www.MMAWarehouse.com .

So with the exception of the occasional take down, the first round was nothing more than a bad boxing match with a couple of kicks thrown in for good measure.   You could tell the difference in styles, though.   Alves was constantly looking for an opening while Parisyan was simply looking for a mistake.   It didn't make for an overly exciting first round, but you could definitely see the fight taking shape.

Round two started off much the same as round one, but then out of nowhere BOOM~!!   Alves hit a wicked knee that pretty much knocked Parisyan out.   A few unblocked punches later and the referee stopped it.

Parisyan immediately sprang to his feet and claimed he was fine.   Joe Rogan was a little unsure if stopping was the best idea in this situation.   But seriously...as soon as that knee hit, Parisyan collapsed to the floor in a heap.   It might have only been temporary, but I think the referee made the correct decision.

Not the greatest fight, but maybe Alves will get a better sponsor out of the deal.   RATING: 4/10

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Item # 10 – Canadian Bulldog??

C'mon...you knew it was coming.   You just KNEW that when Harry Smith debuted, he wouldn't be called Harry Smith or DH Smith or HD Smith or My Daddy Was A Bulldog Smith for very long.   No...the calling of the bulldog was too much for WWE to take.   They simply couldn't let him stand on his own.

Enter the Bulldog.   The CANADIAN Bulldog.

This past week saw the re-debut (in a dark match) of   DH Smith, now known as the Canadian Bulldog.   Yeah...we'll be having fun at our own Canadian Bulldog's expense over the next few months (or at least until Smith's next Wellness suspension), but you gotta wonder just how far this gimmick can go.   It's damn near impossible for a pandering babyface to survive in this day and age.   I mean, Cena gets booed all the time...Matt Hardy gets cheered until he talks...Chris Jericho's already turning heel...nobody cares about Cody Rhodes...Santino Marella had to turn...the Major Brothers sucked ass...you either gotta be a heel or you gotta be a bad-ass, and Smith is neither right now.

But still...I'm looking forward to seeing the kid wrestle.   Here's hoping he lasts more than a month this time.

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Item # 11 – Tommy "The Farm/Bar Boy" Spear vs. Anthony "Rumble" Johnson.

Johnson was the hometown guy and Spears was the guy who I couldn't really figure out the nickname of.   And you know what?   It didn't matter.

Johnson beat the f*ck out of Spear.   I don't think Spear got one single punch in, to be honest.   Johnson hit a low kick, a high kick, and couple more strikes, and then one brutal punch to the face that knocked Spear out cold.

Wicked.   Not a good fight, but Johnson impressed.   RATING: 2/10

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Item # 12 – There ain't no way...

...that Kurt Angle would survive more than 30 seconds in a legit MMA match against somebody credible.   The guy wants to fight Randy Couture??   Angle would be tremendously embarrassed at the end result.   After watching some UFC tonight, there is no way in the world I would believe that Angle could last very long at all.

Stick to TNA, Kurt.   At least the embarrassment that you suffer there is self-created.

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Item # 13 – Frankie "The Answer" Edgar vs. Gray "The Bully" Maynard.

This actually had a nice little story to it: Undefeated vs. Undefeated.   But that was about it.   It was obvious from the video preview that both men really haven't been tested yet and that this was the first real test for each man.

The first two minutes of the contest saw both men dance around.   Yawn.   It sucked because these were light-heavyweights and even the crowd, which was hot all night, was beginning to boo the non-combat.   With two minutes left in the round, Maynard took down Edgar...but after some scrambling around they ended up in the standing position again to end the round.   With the exception of a couple of solid jabs here and there, the round pretty much sucked ass.

The second round started off a lot quicker with both men throwing punches left and right.   Maynard then took down Edgar for the third time in the fight...gaining points to offset Edgar's successful jabs.   Edgar had a great takedown and it looked like he could do something, but Maynard immediately got up and they squared off yet again and circled each other.   The round ended with yet another yawn.

The final round started off with a bang as it was very apparent that neither man really wanted to leave the decision to the judges. Maynard had another three take-downs in the first three minutes but couldn't clamp on a move to put Edgar away.   The match ended with another Maynard take-down and Edgar unable to really get any offence away.

For the first time in the evening, the judges made the final decision on the fight.   The winner and still undefeated?   Gray Maynard.  

No big surpise.   No great match.   RATING: 5/10

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Item # 14 – Kenny Florian vs. Joe Lauzon.

Well, this was the main event of the evening.   This was the match that they had been hyping all night.   As both men entered the ring, I didn't see anything that would immediately make me thing that this was going to be a great match, although Florian's video package stuck in my mind because of the tiny segment where he broke some dude's arm.  

The match really started off with a bang and Lauzon took down Florian.   But Florian, in the guard, began wailing away with elbow strikes to the top of Lauzon's head.   Because Lauzon kept moving around, some of the blows hit the back of his head instead of the top, which is against the rules so the ref made them stop and start back up again from a standing position.

Two vicious kicks later and it appeared early that Florian was gonna own this kid.   Florian took Lauzon down and wailed away with some punches.   Lauzon, though, proved he wasn't about to just give up as he battled his way back to his feet and had a take-down of his own...much to the crowd's delight.

The two men then battled viciously on the ground, with Lauzon appearing to be very close to ending things with a heel hook, but Florian escaped and both men ended up back on their feet with one minute remaining in the round.   Both men fell to the mat and Lauzon went for the heel hook once again, but once again Florian wriggled free and finished off the round pounding Lauzon mercilessly.

Wow...great first round.

The second round began with a flurry of punches, but neither man really landed anything solid.   Florian took Lauzon down and quickly ended up in the full mount position.   The crowd went nuts as Lauzon actually got out of the position into a side mount and escaped what was certain to be an immediate end to his fight.   Once again Florian got the full mount and began to wail away.   Once again Lauzon escaped into a half-mount.   A third time, Florian got into the full mount position and began to brutalize Lauzon.   After a solid minute, the referee had no choice but to stop the fight and award the decision to Florian.   A great effort by Lauzon, though.   Very good fight.

RATING: 7/10

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Item # 15 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Each and every week, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form. This week’s choice is obvious if you're a football fan.   And no...it's not Matt Leinart.   This week's choice is...

Chris Henry!!!

Henry was recently involved in a fight and was subsequently arrested for the fourth time in fourteen months.   Technically, "fight" in this case means "hitting a guy in the face and then breaking his car window with a beer bottle".  

But wait...there's more!

The judge set bond at $51,000 on charges of misdemeanor assault and criminal damaging and ended up calling him, because of his past arrests, a "one-man crime wave".

But wait...there's more!

Just before the arraignment, word came down that the Cincinnati Bengals fired him.

But wait...there's more!

The judge wanted Henry to wear an electronic monitoring device.   That in itself isn't so bad, but because no one was able to supply the device on Thursday, Henry had to actually spend the night in jail until a device could be found.

So yeah...thanks to Chris Henry for helping me win my fantasy league a couple of years ago.   Oh, and congrats on being ZAH's "Britney Spears Loser(s) of the Week"!  

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Got something to say?   You can let me know either by e-mailing me at Zah@worldwrestlinginsanity.com , hitting me up at ZAH Nation (found on the Insanity Message Board ), or look me up on Facebook as ZAH Insanity and letting me know that you'd like to participate (and then join the Insanity Facebook page ).    

So until next week, take care.