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Item # 3 – 12 Rounds almost earns twelve million.

As of 04/25/09, WWE Films’ big spring blockbuster starring John Cena had made approximately $11,391,900 at the domestic box office.   While not looking like a very good number, I’m not sure how much more WWE was looking to make off of the film.

To be honest, I’m actually looking forward to it.   I’ll be straight up…I didn’t hate The Marine.   Did it suck?   Slightly, yes…but it wasn’t horrible.   Hell… The Condemned (another movie I really didn’t mind) only made $7,371,000, See No Evil only made $15,032,000, and The Marine only made $19,000,000 in North America (all domestic & international figures found here) so it’s not like 12 Rounds can be seen as a horrible failure.   If anything, it’s been one of WWE Films’ more successful movies (let’s not even discuss Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia…that thing was a bigger bomb than any of the ones that actually took place IN the movie combined).

So with the international box office (currently at $3 million), it would appear that 12 Rounds will end up making as much money as Kane’s movie…with the potential to make a decent buck or two with a DVD release (and I think the movie rights have already been sold to USA Network, as well).

The problem?   John Cena sucks.   And I’ve always been a defender of the guy.   Even though he can’t wrestle and he can’t seem to get respect of hardcore wrestling fans…I defended the fact that women and kids loved him due to his charisma and his hard work over-shadowed his brutal wrestling ability (the old Gorilla Monsoon quote comes to mind whenever he described Hogan: “He doesn’t know a wristlock from a wristwatch.”).

But as an actor? He sucks.   Big time.   I’d rather watch Carlito vs. a seagull for 30 seconds than watch an action movie starring John Cena.   Hell, I think I’d rather hear another awesome rap album than watch him wrestle.

Actually no…scratch that.   But I WOULD buy him singing on a country record.

But instead we’ll probably have to put up with this going forward…

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Item # 4 – Umanga taking on a new role…

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Well…it’s not like he’s doing any wrestling, right?

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Item # 5 – Ricky Ortiz is now on Smackdown.

Bring out your dead the towels!  

C’mon…this guy is one of the worst call-ups I think I’ve ever seen.   Sure, his hair and physique kinda remind me of Jimmy Snuka back in the late 80’s (let’s just hope he doesn’t kill any women along the way), but his in-ring ability and charisma are just stiff as a board (unlike his weak-ass punches).

I dunno…am I seeing this guy wrong?   Does somebody see something in Afro-Man that I don’t?   I’d love to know.

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Item # 6 – New diva scheduled to appear in Playboy!!

Ummmm…yeah.   That is all.

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Item # 7 – Hornswoggle to take on new role on RAW.

I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around why in the world Hornswoggle was transferred back to RAW when his “father” was to remain on ECW.  

Are they going to turn Finlay heel?   Is he about to retire?   Are they going to treat the WWE Universe with a tremendous feel-good moment of a Hornswoggle/Vince McMahon reunion??

I don’t get it.   I mean, other than Evan Bourne & Jamie Noble, who else is Hornswoggle’s size?

But then I got it.   With ratings hovering at a decent mark, Vince and Company have come up with a new demographic that they currently aren’t servicing that they hope will increase ratings for RAW like Rey Mysterio did for the Latino market watching Smackdown: The We Love Midgets As Sex Symbols crowd.

Don’t believe me?   I’ve already seen the positive results taking shape:

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Item # 8 – Seriously…have you seen him?

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Is it just me, or has there been more mentions of Randy Savage in the past few months than over the past few years?

Listen…Randy “Macho Man” Savage was my all-time favorite wrestler as a teenager ( ZAH side note: God…I’m so old…how f*cking depressing is that).   I remember that my love for heels came from watching Savage on WWF Superstars back in the day.

So it has pained me to see him drift off into oblivion while TOO MANY LESS DESERVING PEOPLE have been recognized for their many years (or not) of service.

And I’ll ignore his one-off performance in Spiderman because he hasn’t been in the spotlight since.   Well…I’ll also ignore his rap record career because, let’s face it, it was Randy f*cking Savage doing a rap record.   And while his two or three lines of dialogue in Bolt were memorable, most people have no idea he was even in that movie…so he’s still in relative obscurity.

I love Savage.   I always have.   I miss Savage.   I would be first in line to buy a 3-dvd set of his career and matches.   I would be first in line to buy whatever WrestleMania dvd contains the Hall of Fame ceremony that inducts Savage.  

And yes, I’ve heard the rumors.   I don’t care.   It’s time to move on.   I mean, if Vince can come to terms with Bret Hart…a man who spit on his face and punched him out before publicly vilifying him for years on end…surely Vince can see the monetary advantages to having Savage back in his good graces?

It’s a money thing…and regardless of how small or brief the recent mentions of Savage’s name have been, both on television and the Hall of Fame ceremony and at WrestleMania, they still give me just a glimmer of hope.

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Item # 9 – Gay nerds still find Buff Bagwell sexy.

LOL…I’ve got NOTHING to say about Bagwell but thought I needed a reason to post this pic:

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Item # 10 – So Christian’s now in WWE...

One of the big things to happen while I’ve been gone has been Christian’s jump from TNA to WWE.   People were all up-in-arms about his debut on ECW…thinking it was a punishment of some sort or Vince’s way of “getting back at the fans” for believing him to be the REAL culprit behind Jeff Hardy’s incidents.

And yes…Christian has been getting some decent pops lately.   Not huge, but decent.   ECW seemed a great place to reintroduce the guy.   People thought that during the big draft recently that Christian would then be placed on one of the bigger rosters and truly get his “big push”.

Ummmm…yeah.

Listen, one of the things I’ve been really happy about while being away has been my ability to get out of the “wrestling bubble” and see things from a more open perspective.   I find internet wrestling fans can really get too involved sometimes and lose sight of what’s really going on…thinking they know what’s best for business.

So when I said recently that he was, “a 2^nd-rate mid-card guy…forever and always” on the message boards, I was given hell for my opinion.

Here are some of the reactions I got:

“HUH?”

“ZAH, I have always liked you, but this statement puts you in my doghouse!”

“Christian…could be a viable main eventer.”

“Christian has just as much, if not more, upside than CM Punk.”

“I think Christian should get a shot eventually.”

“I think if Rey Mysterio and especially CM Punk can win a world title, that Christian is a sure fire bet at one point in the near future to win a world title.”

“Christian IMO is the most talented overall talent (inring ability, mic skills, look, charisma, etc) the WWE has.”

“ZAH is wrong because you can't assume that working with premier performers again won't give Christian the opportunity to improve.”

“The day someone can honestly tell me that someone like JBL deserved holding a world title over someone like Christian is the day I lose complete faith in the wrestling fans.”

“If Christian ever finds that lightning in a bottle, who knows?”

“I am actually surprised you didn't bring up the example of Chris Jericho to demonstrate that it can be done. A year ago, before his involvement with Michaels, people were bringing up the exact same arguments. Jericho's return had been a flop, he was doomed to midcard status, and had a really silly jacket. And then it all changed.”

Yeah…I’m totally the one out of the loop here.

Listen, Christian could certainly catch fire somehow and become hot enough to warrant winning a world title (and no…the TNA and ECW titles don’t count…they’re mini-titles no more meaningful than the IC and US belts).   The problem is that comparisons to JBL and Rey Mysterio and CM Punk and Chris Jericho glaringly display being inside of the “wrestling bubble” and simply not being able to see things from an objective point of view.

I like Christian.   I’ve always enjoyed Christian’s work.   I’ve been quite entertained by Christian on many an occasion.   I don’t let the Christian Kool-Aid cloud my view of his abilities, though.

JBL was HOT during his title run.   While some may see him as having the World title “handed” to him, he absolutely proved he deserved that belt with a hell of a heel run.   Last time I checked, it was one of the longest reigns of the past 15 years.   If he sucked, that wouldn’t have happened.

Rey Mysterio, whether you like it or not, was a recipient of WWE’s blatant abuse of Eddie Guerrero’s popularity after he died.   If Eddie hadn’t passed away, I am 100% certain that Mysterio would have never received that title run at the time he did.   Today?   I suppose it’s possible.   But it certainly wouldn’t be any longer than Jeff Hardy’s improbable run on top and would probably require as much fan reaction as he got (let’s face it…Hardy only became champ because of the incredible fan support he received, which Christian doesn’t have anywhere close to).

CM Punk’s win surprised me…absolutely.   But his merchandise was selling extremely well.   It still does.   And WWE management see something in Punk that I see…hence him becoming World champion, tag team champion, AND Intercontinental champion within a 365-day period.   So while people online may not see what (obviously) most others see, the proof is in the pudding.   If it had simply been a fluke victory, then why have they continued to push Punk as a superstar for the new generation…most recently becoming a 2-time MITB winner?

And Chris Jericho is an interesting comparison, but again holds little validity.   While true that Jericho ’s initial return was seen as bland and silly (much like his haircut and magician’s pants), it’s not like Jericho was a perennial under-achiever or life-time mid-carder before his return.   He was the first undisputed champion and is seen as a true superstar.   So while his initial return was met with deaf ears, it wasn’t long before he found his niche…what he’s always been good at…and then turned it up a notch.

Now having said all that, is it possible that Christian could do something either as a babyface or a heel to make crowds go insane and him receive a world title run on RAW or Smackdown?   Sure…anything’s possible.   But Christian is like a Matt Hardy, only with the ability to talk.

He’s a solid hand.   He’s a solid performer both inside and outside of the ring.   But Christian doesn’t have that intangible that makes a solid performer a superstar.   Period.   Some people have it, some people don’t.   And you can argue until the cows come home all you want about how great Christian is in the ring and on the mic…but at the end of the day, until something drastic changes in either his in-ring persona or in WWE management’s view on him…he’ll always continue to be that solid hand.

And here’s the thing to remember: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

But for those who believe that he’s deserving of a world title run (!!!), here is my final thought on the subject:

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Item # 11 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Each and every week, I pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form. 

This week’s winner was difficult because I truly felt like I had a few choices to choose from.  

First there was Nicklas Frasure.   He was the guy in Idaho who was disruptive in court and, because the judge simply couldn’t take it anymore, ended up having his mouth taped shut.   LITERALLY.

Then there was Caroline Willette.   She was the woman in Florida who videotaped herself having sex with her two dogs but still wasn’t charged with bestiality because Florida doesn’t have a law that specifically bans the act or makes it illegal.   Luckily, she also possessed child porn and got arrested for that.

Of course I can’t forget the 54-year-old man in Louisiana who got into an argument with his 63-year-old brother over a can of pork-and-beans which escalated to the point of one STABBING the other.

Mind you, there was also the story of the poor Russian bastard who thought he had a tumor when, in reality, he had a F*CKING FIR TREE GROWING INSIDE OF HIS LUNG.

And I had considered Abby Toll.   She is the woman who, during an argument with her boyfriend over their dog, decided to “teach it a lesson” by TAPING THE DOG TO THE SIDE OF THE REFRIGERATOR.   But she looked hot in her mug shot, so I let it slide.

No, this week’s winners trump all of those stories (at least in my eyes).   Listen, I’m a self-described dork about a great many things…but there is a point in life when your “nerd-dom” really needs to shut off before you make international headlines.  

So here it is…ZAH's Loser of the Week is...

Keith Green & Christine England!!!

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Okay, you may be asking yourself why two green people are pictured.   Ahhh…but that’s the whole reason they’re LOSERS.

This couple decided to hire make-up artists to make them look like Shrek and Fiona, those two lovable ogres from the Shrek films.  

Not enough, you say?   Well, they decided to do this before walking down the aisle and getting married.

Yes…the above picture is their wedding portrait.

Not only that, but their 100 wedding guests were also dressed up as characters from the movies…including Donkey and Gingerbread Man.  

So why in the blue hell would anybody feel like doing this for their wedding???   The bride said, “ Every girl wants a fairytale wedding and I got one - with a bit of a twist. ”

Yeah…no f*cking sh*t, Sherlock.

So for making nerds all over the world rejoice because, for one glorious day, they weren’t the biggest nerds on the planet…congrats go out to Shrek and Fiona F*cknuts for becoming ZAH's "Loser of the Week"!!  

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That's it for now, kids.    I appreciate you clicking the link that brought you here and for reading the column every week.  I mean, if it weren't for all of you reading I would just be blogging to myself.   What’s the freakin’ point in that??

I can’t tell you when I’ll be back with another column, but I’ll try to make bi-monthly appearances so you can always get your ZAH fix.            

Got something to say?    You can let me know either by e-mailing me at Zah@worldwrestlinginsanity.com , hitting me up at ZAH Nation (found on the Insanity Message Board ).

That's all I got for now, kids.    Until next time...take care.

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