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The Heat Report: The Con Man vs. A Mexicool, Charlie vs. The Porn Star, and More!

By Saad Naeem Dec 4, 2006 - 12:28 PM print

Welcome back fellow Heaters to another Edition of the Heat Report. I am your host and this week the Tazz Show is still rockin hard. Yup Orange and Black Heat is not a recap episode (Damnit!) and itís rolling in town with some top notch superstars. Ha! Fooled ya didnít I. Itís the same guys that were here last week, the week before, a month ago, 2 years ago and when man discovered fire. Youíd think that being on Heat would be a temporary thing, but for some guys it seems like thatís where theyíre doomed to stay for the rest of their life. Itís the proverbial wrestling prison. Whatís your ticket out? I dunno, but my best guess is the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club.

Match 1: Val Venis vs. Charlie Haas

How long has it been since weíve seen Val? Not just on Raw (well thatís been years) but on Heat? I guess he figured out that being a fake porn star just doesnít pay the bills so he quit and became a real porn star. Nah, I made that up. I have no idea why he left. Anyways heís back to battle in some Green Kennedy Undies.

Match begins with a long lockup. Haas locks in a headlock and gets the early advantage with a shoulder block. Another lockup, another headlock, and then Val nails a hiptoss. Then an armdragÖ.and then a dropkick!! What the hell? Who are you and what have you done with Sean Morley! When was the last time Valley did something like that? Haas does a damn great move when he grabs Valís arm and jumps out the ring hanging his arm on the rope in the process. It was well executed and the crowd showed their approval with a few OHHs. Charles drags Venis to the apron and lays in some stiff shots. Then he gets another reaction from the audience by slamming Venisís tricep into the ring apron. And you know what he did it again! Go Haas, you da man. He drags the bald man to the corner and nails Sean with some shoulder butts. But Val Kilmer catches a boot and nails a stiff clothesline on Haas. He nails an elbow drop but starts wailing in pain because he hurt his tricep. Haas capitalizes with some stomps to Venis and proceeds to choke him with his boot first and then the middle rope. He applies an abdominal stretch for a VERY long time and when he decides to use the ropes for some leverage, the ref catches him as Chief Morley hiptosses Haas. Both men trade hard blows out of which Val gains momentum. A shoulder butt, back elbow and then a clothesline by the Rated R X Superstar after which he nails a big back body drop. He does a front slam which only gets a two count and then a great fisherman suplex for the same results. He hits a half nelson and then goes up for The Money Shot. But before he could jump, Mr. Jackie Gayda rolls out the way. One thing leads to another and a backslide by Charlie Haas gets him the win (with some help from the ropes of course). The match is over and Visceraís former partner won. WaitÖboth these guys were fatsoís partner. So Sheltonís, Ricoís and Visceraís former partner won. Yup it was Charlie Haas.

Winner: Charlie Haas

Not that bad of a match. For Heat at least. But even if it was on Raw I would have enjoyed it. Charlie Haas is slowly becoming something. All these wins on Heat have to mean something. I hope the poor guy gets a push soon cause he is proving that he deserves one.

Extreme Elimination Chamber this Sunday. Itíll be Xtreme to the max. I say the winner will be Rob Van Dam. He deserves it.

Match 2: The Highlanders vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

Itís time for some Highlander Heat baby. There was actually a ďlast week on HeatĒ clip which showed the Highlanders get the victory over Cade & Murdoch 7 days ago. Today the Redneck Wrecking Crew is back to kick the kilts off the Scottish asses. They start the match off with a sneak attack on the Highlanders but it backfires. The men fight each other in the turnbuckles and then Robbie and Rory whip Cade and Murdoch into each other. Robbie uses Rory as a battering ram and slams his bald head into Cadeís gut. Then a big body drop to Murdoch and a double clothesline out the ring to the other cowboy. Loud cheer from the crowd but Cade and Murdoch are ticked. Very good start to the match might I add. C & M are a bit reluctant to get in the ring so R squared goes out after them. Rory and Murdoch are the legal men. Cool new move as Rory beats this opponentís head into the turnbuckle, then headbutts him, then turnbuckle again and so on and so forth.

Rory goes to the ropes but gets clocks from behind with by Mr. Laid, Paid and Made (yea he wish) Lance Cade. Then my favorite double team when Lance Storm Cade does a Manhattan Drop while Murdoch kicks the dude in the face. Ballís in the court of the Cowboys now. Tag to Cade and he pummels a grounded Rory. Then a whip in the corner and Murdy gets the tag. Kicks to the baldyís back. Then Cade in again (man these guys make too many tags) and takes down Rory with a snapmare. He runs to the to the ropes and connects with a shoulderbutt to the back. Sideshow Sideburns back in and another double team. Cade picks up Murdoch as if he was going to nail him with a backdrop. Instead he releases the fatso in midair who lands on Rory with a legdrop. Then Trevor locks in an armlock but Rory fights out. He in turn gets a small package but Cade distracts the ref and by the time slowpoke gets there, fatso kicks out. StarrCade back and he hits a big boot on Rory and then a scoop slam. He goes up top but misses an elbow that would have looked great if it connected.

This is enough to give Robbie (Iím Robbie!) the tag and then itís all Highlandys from there. Double Axe handle smacks and some dropkicks. Cade is clotheslined out the ring and then a flapjack to Murdoch. Rory (the illegal man) climbs the top only to get thrown all the way down by Lance Cade. That causes Robbie turns around into an impaler DDT. 1, 2, 3 and the Redneck Wrecking Crew gets the w.

Winners: Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch

Awesome! These guys rock and kick some ass. They might actually be my favorite superstars on Heat. Good Job guys, you made fellow redneck Jimmy Wang Yang proud.

Iím poor. I canít afford WWE mobile alerts on my phone. But you better get it. Thatís what all the cool kids are doing.

Match 3: Gene Snitsky vs. Shawn Reynolds

Whatís that I smell in the air? Turkey? Mashed potato? Nah dude, itís a squash match. This nubie is gonna get whooped by the man who makes Trevor Murdoch look like Brad Pitt. I donít know where to being with this Reynolds guy. Heís a mess. Long hair, and a Snitsky-ish beard both which are yellow. The guy himself must be like 50 years old and man you canít help but laugh when he gets his ass kicked. The whole match is a minute and 23 seconds so Snitsky is fast tonight. He begins with some stiff knees to Reynoldsí mid-section and then clocks him with a running knee that send the old man flying 10 feet. Eugene, Jean Grey, Aladdinís Genie, Genious Gene Snitsky takes the jobber and tosses his old ass into the turnbuckle. The jobber can sell moves Iíll give him that. Then Mr. Itís Not My Fault goes to the outside and kicks Shawnís head into the steel pole. Somebody go warm up the car cause this one is almost over. The Snitser wins with one hell of a great move. He picks Reynolds up on his shoulders like he was gonna hit him with a powerslam but on his way down, the babykiller turns it around into a rockbottomish move. Very impressive indeed. Thatís enough to put away the old guy and Snitsky wins.

Winner: Snitsky

Good job Snitsky. He just showed everyone (that actually watches Heat) how its done. He came in the ring, kicked some dudeís ass and looked good doing it. Very impressive and enjoyable.

WWE magazine promo. Wow have you seen the cover? As Aaron Wood and ZAH would say: Michelle McCool (sigh).

Match 4: Super Crazy vs. Rob Conway

I donít get it. Conway hasnít won a match in like forever and yet he still gets to be in the main event on Heat every week. Ah whatever, thatís the closest heís gonna get to Raw. Super Crazy on the other hand is the man and heís my favorite cruiserweight. Yea you heard me, Rey Mysterio. I donít like you.

Lots of chain wrestling to start the match off. Conway gets control when he blocks a hiptoss with a clothesline. Backdrop by Rob but it only gets him a two count. He nails a good (not great) neckbreaker on the Mexican dude and gets another dos. The Crazy one goes for a hurricanrana but The Conster blocks it into a powerbomb. When he doesnít get the win, Conway gets tricked off and starts pummeling El Senor Loco. He locks in a neck submission but Crazy rolls it up into a school boy for the 2 count. Crucifix pin gets the same results so the former Mexicool connects with a leg scissors and then a spinning heel kick. Pace of the match quickens as Crazy nails a springboard dropkick to Tyco RC. Then ten punches in the corner which Robby blocks by throwing Crazy on the mat and nails him with a big boot. He ascends to the second turnbuckle and nails a flying leg drop on a standing Crazy. Some impressive stuff right there. Super Duper Crazy Daisy in control again as he climbs the top this time and nails a missile dropkick. He gets a standing moonsault for good measure which surprisingly put the Conman away.

Winner: Super Crazy

Good match but I was surprised it ended so fast. I wanted to see Super Crazyís moonsault off the top rope but I guess I gotta go to bed pissed.

All in all I liked Heat a lot. A great improvement over last weekís show and I highly recommend you check it out for yourself.

By the way, Iíd like to use this time for a cheap plug. Check out my MySpace and add me as a friend. Thanks.

Thanks for clicking the link and I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do e-mail me at Naeem920@gmail.com or go to the Insanity Message Boards. Until then I'm Saad Naeem and this was Heat.


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