Smackdown's 1980s sounding theme song plays.   Seriously, it sounds like the type of song that the band Kick would play in the movie "Bodyslam."

Alongside Tazz, Jim Ross welcomes everyone to HisNetworkTV.   Tonight's main event is so huge that it should be illegal.   It's Triple H vs. The Undertaker.   That's right.   The man who spent years burying WWE's biggest stars will be in one corner.   The Undertaker will be in the other.   Let's get it on!

Triple H shows up and…aw crap.   He's wearing a tee shirt.   That means he's not wrestling.   He's talking.   He has plenty to talk about.   This weekend he has to face Jeff Hardy or Vladimir Kozlov or…both!   Ooo eee!   What a predicament.   The Gamy One stares the plebeians down and then speaks.

"Is it just me or is everybody here as sick of Vicki Guerrero as I am?   'Cause I'm pretty sick of her."

- Triple H

When Triple H says that he's sick of seeing you on TV, you know you've been on TV too much.  It's like hearing Betty Crocker tell you, "Don't eat that.   It's fattening."   I mean, yikes.

"It's not just the grating voice.   It's not the stupid wheelchair she rolls around in.   It's not even the fact that she's an annoying hag.   Well, a lot of it has to do with the fact that she's an annoying hag.   But it also has to do with the fact that she thinks she can come out here and tell everyone what to do."
- Triple H

Who does she think she is?   The General Manager of the world?   Huh?   Hey.   Hunter can even take that.   It's not that he has ish with her telling others what to do.   It's when she tells him what to do that it crosses the line.  

"Did I also mention the fact that she's an annoying hag?"

- Triple H

It's pretty obvious that his is a line that he thought was going to get a much bigger pop.   In his head, he probably heard that bada-boom-ching after.   It was delivered as if it was comedy gold.   After the last line, he stopped and, after a pause, nodded and said, "K."    

So should the King of Kings be worried?   Should he sweat the 'Scuse Me Lady?   Nah.   She's not here.   Nowhere to be found.   How does Helmsley know?   Well before tonight's show, he saw "A big Twinkie Truck parked outside the arena and Vicki will be out there grazing for hours." (JG Note:   Not sure that was the best line considering that many people in the audience who were much heavier than Vicki Guerrero were all probably pretty pissed at that moment.   For a babyface to call someone fat, they have to be like One Man Gang fat. Not a good line to deliver.   Then again, this is the same promo that tried to make "annoying hag" a catchphrase.)

All of that is window dressing for the big news tonight.   Hunt will be stepping into the ring…48 hours prior to Cyber Sunday…with the Undertaker.   Why?   Because Mrs. G knows that it benefits her.

At this point, we break into another rambling Open Mic Improv Night thing about "I know she knows I know she knows."   Horrible.   The weird thing, though?   His delivery isn't bad.   If he was saying something that was mildly funny, he could make it work.   Instead, the crowd reacts mostly with silence and it all feels awkward.   The King of Comedy then brings it all back to the real issue.   Tonight's match puts the Champion in jeopardy.   And if he's hurt, he's not going to Cyber Sunday.   If he doesn't go to Cyber Sunday, then all your votes don't mean Jack Sheet.   Nothing.   You might as well go register with ACORN.   'Cause without the Champ, there's no Vladimir Kozlov and there's no…

Cue Jeff Hardy.

Huh?

Cue Jeff Hardy.

Dude…you are Jeff Hardy.

Oh.   Wait.   That's right.   OK.   Hey…uh, which way's the ring?  

The Rainbow Headed Warrior Jeff Hardy can't wait to make his presence felt according to J.R.   Jim calls him a "Unique Enigma."   That's correct.   He's not just mysterious.   He's unique in his mysteriousness.   Not like Aliens or other lame mysteries.  

The Hardy Boy tells the Hunter Guy that he knows the audience better than he does.  Sorry, Champ, but with the popularity of Mr. Unique Enigma, there's no doubt that he's facing you at Cyber Sunday.   And on top of that, there's even less doubt that he's walking out the "Double-Yuuu Double-Yuuuuu E Champeeee-aaannnn."   (JG Note:   That was exactly how he said it.   It sounded like he was doing a Muppet voice.)   Speaking of Muppets…

Vladimir Kozlov is in the house and wearing his Val Venis circa 2000 white trunks.   He then proceeds to…well, I don't know.   He speaks but it's just so bad that I space out.   The accent is just thick enough that you can catch like every other word.   Why he doesn't get a manager or something is beyond me.   Even Trips couldn't get through the garbles but guessed that Koz wanted to be WWE Champion.   Good for you, Nikolai.   You can have your shot, but you won't come out on top.   Why?   'Cause either way, this is what will happen.

Pedigree to Jeff Hardy!

Vlad watches from the top of the ramp, Tazz says he didn't see that coming.   After that,  they hard sell the Cyber Sunday 99 cent Text Message gimmick.   You   know, the one that Hunter just told everyone might not even happen anyway.

Speaking of the Champion, he's now backstage walking.   Suddenly the lights flicker and – Abracadabra! – the Undertaker is here.   Eyeliner in place, the Dead Man stares down the guy who called his brother a murdering necrophiliac rapist and we shoot to a commercial.

Commercial Break.

Hello?   911?   Please send help!   My son's having a seizure.   He swallowed some five year old Advil and washed it down with tainted Robitussun DM!

Why would he do that?

He left a note.   Something about a woman named Maria who would come to the house if he took some bad medicine.   I don't know.   It says he got it from a song.

1.   Maryse and Natalya defeated Michelle McCool and Maria when Maryse pinned Michelle.

The start of this match was treated to Shane Helms doing his VH1 Pop-Up video nonsense.   I really hate it.   Helms is a good wrestler and capable of more than this.   What the hell was wrong with the Super Hero gimmick?   I know "Hurricane" has a negative connotation, but you can change it.   Do some comic book storyline where he must return to save the world or something else.   I don't know.   You guys figure it out.   All the women in the ring did great and I'm more and more impressed with Michelle McCool each week.   J.R. mentions that she used to be a Junior High teacher and all I can think is…man, could you imagine?   You know who taught me in Junior High?   No one hot, I can tell you that much.   Lots of trolls, I remember.   As I'm pondering this, Mariachi music comes on and everyone just assumes it's for Chavo Guerrero, but no one says it out loud.

Nope.   It's Jesse and Festus holding hands.   The "Corn-fed Colossus" is dressed like one of the Three Amigos as the band plays behind him.   He approaches Maria and gives her a flower.   I guess he figures that if she'll do Santino, she'll do pretty much anyone.   Guess what.   He's right.   Because she smiles, turns her back, and misses Michelle McHotTeacher's attempt to tag.   This lead to a pinfall, a loss, and profuse apologies from Maria.

Oh…but did I mention the bell rang?   That makes our Loverboy a little, uh, insane.   He screams and begins to chase the Mariachi Band.   They take off, he takes off behind them, and the race is on.   In the end, the biggest band member was too slow to out run him and they caught up to one another.   Festivus For the Rest of Us just lapped him and seemed to jokingly whip him in a spot that shouldn't have gotten on camera I would imagine.   Weird that they didn’t cut that part out before airing.  

The sad part is that when the bell rang and the craziness happened, I thought that Fest was going to go into the ring and beat the hell out of Maria.   That would have been a great turn out of nowhere but also wouldn't fit the new WWE Kids campaign. Too bad too. This is one of those moments where psycho kid unfriendly would have gotten someone over big.  

Commercial Break.  God only knows what Sheik did to those kids.

2. WWE Tag Champions Primo and Carlito defeated Bam Neely and Chavo Guerrero when Carlito pinned Bam

I'm glad they phased out Primo's last name.   Either make them both "Colon" or neither.   Neely and Guerrero were in the ring when we came back from break; their music quietly playing in the background.   Bad sign.   I really hope they repackage Bam at some point.   Right now he's like Big Bubba without the dress clothes.   They teased dissention throughout the match, although it seemed much more intense because the crowd was so quiet.   Chavo started to yell at B.N. and it was like screaming in a library.   It was that quiet.   Then the yelling escalated even more and Chavito leaned back…and slapped Big Bam in the face.   Know how Big Bam sold it?   Like a girl.   Honest.   I was amazed.   He held his cheek and made a gasping face.   Let's just say it wasn't the response I was expecting him to give.   He went after his former manager/partner/little buddy, but Guerrero backed away.   Neely called out, "Come back in here!   Come back in here, Guerrero!"   (JG Note: He added the "Guerrero" in there so the cameraman wouldn’t get confused and think he was talking to him)   There's no explanation given as to why Bammer not only doesn't go out of the ring to get the man who just slapped him instead of inviting him in, but also slowly backs up.   Like a moonwalk…right into Carlito Coolon's Backstabber.   Bad finishes…that's nah cool.

Gotta mention …At one point during the match, Ross and Tazz talked about their partnership and all of a sudden I realized that we have Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on Raw and Jim Ross with Tazz on Smackdown.   Why?   Michael and Human Suplex were great together.   J.R. and the King were great together.   Why force them all to swap?   I'm not saying that the new pairings aren't good, it just feels like it takes a lot to create a team with true chemistry.   It takes years.   WWE has two teams like that…and they're making them switch partners.    It certainly seems like a no-brainer.   Maybe switch the shows that the original broadcast teams were on.   Put JR and the King on Smackdown and Michael Cole and Tazz on Raw.   Why not?  

Commercial Break.

Vignette airs for "Kizarny."   It's Sinn Bowdee's new incarnation.   At first, I thought he was supposed to be playing like an acid-head in the Phish parking lot.   Then I realized he was actually playing a Carnival guy.   Oh…and he also adds "iz" to everything he says.   Get it?   Kizarny?   First, I can't believe that WWE just discovered this considering I remember doing it ten years ago.   Second, you don't add it to every word!   Maybe every fourth or fifth, but EVERY WORD?!   Plus, I think he's supposed to be a good guy.   Looks like Adrian Street.   Speaks like he's tripping.   Stands for fun rides and games.   Also, I don't know how good it is to encourage kids to like the carnies they see at the fair.  You don't want little Suzie to go running off with Skeezer Jones in the top hat.  It would be a kick-ass gimmick if it was a heel who snatched kids at the fair and kept them in his attic.   But…again…no Festusbomb for Maria, so I'm thinking he's gotta be a good guy.

WrestleMania's 25^th Anniversary is next year and tickets go on sale.   The event is titled, "WrestleMania 25: Holy Crap. Don't You Feel Old Right Now."

Video: Celebrities say nice things about John Cena.  

Maria and Michelle McCool have some issues to discuss about tonight's miscommunication.   Mary tries to get out of the talk by claiming that she needs to find Festus.   Then, in a moment that had all the drama of a supporting scene in a porno, this exchange went down:

McCool: In fact.   No.   No, no, no.   We're gonna talk about this now.   You have got to focus.

Maria:   I have to find my friend.

It was like a commercial for a Lifetime movie with Jo from the Facts of Life in it.   "Not Without My Festus" starring Jo as Maria and Meredith Baxter Birney as….

Hey!   With all this lifetime promo making, we all lose sight of the fact that Ria walked away and Double M is none too happy about it.   She calls out to her and walks in the direction she walked in.   You kind of figure she might want to run or at least jog if she intends to catch someone who left before her, but she doesn’t.   She casually walks off…passing Primo and Brie Bella in the process.   From there, we transition over to them.   Yup.   That's right.   This is one of those segments.

Primer talks up his match to the lovely newcomer, but finds himself defending his role when Carlito shows up.   The brothers both make a play for the as yet still twinless B.B. and end up arguing in the process.   Oh man.   If only there were two of them...ahhhh.   That would be awesome...   Hey.   Why don't we cut her in half with a sword?   We could get the…AHHHHH!

The brothers jump back and the segment ends with the Mariachi Band running through.   Maria is chasing behind.   Yup.   One of those segments.

Commercial Break.

2 Weeks Ago : In 12 years, no one ever bothered to ask Funaki his full name.   It's Kung Funaki.   (JG Note: Kung is Japanese for Lifetime Employment.) Ron responded with a song parody of "Kung Fu Fighting."   A fun time was had by all.

3. R-Truth and Kung Funaki defeated MVP and Shelton Benjamin when Funaki pinned MVP

Ron Killings loves what he's doing right now and it shows.   Sure the raps can be a bit much at times, but he has such enthusiasm about it and you can tell.   The Kung Funaki thing is terrible.   He's dressed like the Karate Kid and the whole idea is that his name has "Fu" in it.   The gimmick here was that MVP needed one more win to get his Smackdown signing bonus.   The announcers teased that it might not happen when speaking about Porter's spending.   Apparently, he has more cash going out than he has coming in and, although the broadcasters don't mention it, his embarrassment at the last PPV can't help but add to whatever nervous breakdown his character may or may not be on the cusp of having.   Ah.   Who are kidding?   He's definitely on the cusp of having one.   He lost to f'n Funaki!   Even worse?   Funaki used the Crane Kick to do it.   Yikes.  

Brie Bella is either a hidden twin or crazy.   When the Colon Brothers spot her, Primo makes his move…but is shot down by the suddenly unplayful Bella.   Of course no one assumes she has a twin.   They all just assume she's one of those hot girls that you always worry in the back of your mind might cut you with a rusty butter knife in your sleep, but she so hot you don't care.   The two laugh about the crazy lady before being confronted by the BFG himself, Great Khali.   The Great One speaks…

"Voldomore goocha geecha say wha. I come enna ice and sheik."

- The Great Khali

Ranjin Singh, who has the most insane sideburns I've ever seen in my life, translates.   Seriously,   most insane sideburns ever.   They look like he painted them on with a giant paintbrush.   He's the beginning stages of wolfman.   Maybe it's a Halloween thing.   Scary.   Anyway,   He translates:

"You got no game.   Watch and learn, buddy.   Because up next is the Great Khali's Kiss Cam."
- Ranjin Singh

Commercial Break.  You know what?  I miss Kurt Angle in WWE.  It's true.

With 3D glasses on, Tazz is reading the new WWE Magazine.   It's in 3D.   Kelly Kelly jumps off the page!   AHHH!   (JG Note:   Then Tazz suddenly realizes he's not wearing glasses.   Jim Ross just laced his water bottle.)

Last week, Great Khali got angry when Big Show called him stupid.   Khali ain't no punk.   He's not going to lay down for the man.   He refused to do the Show's dirty work and the two exchanged stares.   Now, though, it's not about fighting.   It's about loving.   The Great Khali is giving out Rude Awakenings to lucky young ladies in the audience.   He just asks that all the fat, out of shape, Sad Laredo lumpheads keep the noise down while he takes out his Kiss Cam and shows your old ladies what a real giant is supposed to look like.   Hit the music!   It's time for G.K. to do his Kiss Cam Insanity.   His translator, the Indian Tony Danza with giant paintbrush sideburns dumps out all the love letters for Great into the ring.   The girls loves him.   Want proof?   Listen to two letters.   The first one is from a former Cena-lover who now is warm for Kurgan's form.   She wants some Collie Loving.   The second random letter is from a woman who loves every inch of the Giant.   Right down to his tiny ass.   But in the end….the letter was from a man named Bruce.  

After the punchline, Funyon and The Punjabi Playboy turn to the crowd for a lucky young lady to get some loving.   They go from person to person and finally settle on one.   She climbs over the barricade and into the ring as Singh sings her praises.   Suddenly, I stop and say to myself, "What the hell am I watching here?"  

But we need more ladies.   So, guess what.   They found another plant who was wearing…the exact same outfit as the first lady.   Only difference, she was much bigger than the first.   The Great Kisser picks the smaller one, but Sideburns Singh steps in just in time to offend….  

"Anybody can kiss that one.   But it takes a man, it takes a real man, it takes a big man.   No.   It takes a giant to kiss the other one."

- Ranjin Singh

What the hell is going on tonight?   Why is WWE declaring war on fat people?   Crazy.

Captain Cauliflower ain't no stinking wuss.   He's the Big Girl Thrilla.   He leans in and lays one on her.   Afterwards, he celebrates.   The "lucky" young lady smiles as if to say, "I'm gonna go cry now."

Jim Ross follows this up by promising me that we're about to get down to "serious business."   He did.   He PROMISED.   I'm holding you to that, J.R.  

Raw airs its 800^th episode on Monday Night Raw a week from Monday.  

Another friggin' vignette for Kizarny!   Another!   It was just as bad as the first!   Even worse – I think he has an entourage.  

After the announcers sell Cyber Sunday, we head backstage or something.   This is where Undertaker gives an up-close promo.   He threatens to fulfill the destinies of Big Show and Vicki Guerrero.   He rolls his r's when saying Vicki's name.   That was pretty unexpected.   He then talks smack to the Gameboy and we shoot to a commercial.

Commercial Break.

Hey, man.   When I agreed to have you as a roommate, you promised to do the dishes.

I am Super.   I am Lazy.   I am Super Lazy.

Yeah.   No kidding, pal.   Can you please take out the trash at least?   I asked you yesterday, remember?

Hmmmm.   I am Super.   I am Hazy.   I am Super Ha…

Whatever, dude!   Just take out the trash!

4. The Brian Kendrick pinned Super Crazy after the Kendrick

I'm surprised that Super Crazy still gets theme music.   Uno, Dos, Tres.   The "Eccentric" One picks up the win.

After the bell, Ezekiel approached the fallen Crazy and proceeds to slam him to the ground violently.   Why not?  He's allowed to have some fun too.

Commercial Break.

5. Undertaker and Triple H wrestled to a no-contest.

Undertaker is to Jim Ross what Barrack Obama is to Chris Matthews because good ol' J.R. says he gets chills up and down his spine when he sees him.   What makes Jim love him so much?   Well, he likes to "maim anyone he steps in the ring with."    Yup.   Ross is a sick mo-fo.   The drawback to putting a match like this on Smackdown is that it's obvious they're going to end in some sort of non-finish.   In the end, when it does, you're less mad and more like, "Yup.   Knew it."   That's just how things are now, I guess.   The match itself was good.   But that just makes the end all the more disappointing.   For a while, they played it up Warrior-Hogan style.   They sort of traded offense as babyfaces and hit a double clothesline on each other.   When they finally got back up, they exchanged some punches.   When I was a kid that would mean that they were now enemies.   Technical matches between babyfaces would go from friendly to fierce when one guy threw a punch.   Nowadays, it's like a wristlock.   No one bats an eye.   Undie got the upper hand here and even followed up with a headbutt.   But, it was all good.   At one point, UT went for the Last Ride and Hunter countered.   The counter, though, involved a good amount of time where Undertaker had to stand there with Hunter's junk in his face.   After that awkwardness, Triple landed a neckbreaker but couldn't score the pinfall.   No worries.   Under can't get more than a two count either.   That appears to change when the Phenom locks in the chokeslam motion.   It changes back though when HHH reverses into a Spinebuster and tries for the pin.   Suddenly, everyone started countering everything.   Pedigree – countered.   Tombstone – countered.   When the countering ended, it ended big.   The Great Callowini hit his Last Ride powerbomb, but couldn't get up to do close the 1, 2, 3 deal.   So, Big Show helped him out.   You might be wondering how.   Well, he helped him by running in, getting a DQ and ruining the whole night for everyone.   Thanks.   Ya big ruiner.

He lays out the Taker and the bell rings.   Somewhere, Festus can calm down.   With the Dead Man down, Show falls prey to Triple H.   It seems that the hero of heroes has gone from the ring to retrieve a chair.   He slams it into Big Show's back and…for a second….I think that Biggie's going to do the whole superman no-sell thing.  

Then, after a quick pause, he suddenly sells it and I realize.   Oh.   He isn't invincible.   He  just screwed up.    

Just because he isn't "impervious to pain," that doesn't mean that the Showster ain't tough.   Far from it.   How far?   He beats the Holy Hell out of Hunter for it.   That's how.   He chokeslams the Gamy One and then slams the chair into the Undertaker repeatedly.   That's right.   Carnage.  

In what will undoubtedly be the most watched item ever on Big Show's TiVo, Triple H and Undertaker lay in waste as he walks, smirking, from the ring.

Commercial Break.

We rewatch what just happened before the break.   In case, you know, you're drunk or something.

As The Cerebral Assassin started to make his way up, the opening bars of Vladimir Kozlov's music played.   The big Russian followed.   He entered the ring and, after a joke of an offense from the Game, unloaded with headbutts.   He beat Hunt senseless and finished him off with the Dino Bravo Sideslam 2008.  

The V-Man stands tall as Trippie lies in the ring.   I feel like this show always ends with someone standing over someone else.   I get the symbolism but, come on.   So you're familiar with the ending I'm talking about?   Good.   That's what they did here as we fade to black.

All in all …There are some good things going on and some bad things going on.   It's about equal.

Before anything, I think we need to realize that what WWE is doing here is building up new talent.   Even Jeff Hardy is fairly new in that department.   So with Vlad as the new heel working with Hunter, there has to be some leeway.   It'll be a slow build and if they can get Kozlov a mouthpiece and a brown sweatshirt to wear to the ring, he'll be money.   Also, you have to respect Triple H for putting him over as he has.   While he might outshine all the rest, Trips still lets Koz lay him out.   Hopefully, it'll get him over.

Kung Funaki is ridiculous.  It's just ridiculous.   What happened to the Numba One announcer?   Dressing him up like Karateka.   Come on now.

Kizarny is worse.   In fact, these vignettes may be the worst I've ever seen.   He's a one-man parade of Human Oddities who grossly misuses the "iz" thing.   It was just…I don't know.   I wish the guy luck.   It's going to be tough to pull this one off.   This gimmick makes Mordecai look like sure-money.

The Bam Neely slap response was just terrible, but that might not matter if they can give him a real gimmick.   I know nothing about him.   Zero.  Like we just met.   Then you have to realize that he's been here for a while.   Let's give him a hat or something.   I don't know.   You guys figure it out.  

MVP is at that point where he either is going to get a new storyline centering on his bad luck…or he's gonna get fired.   Now we all just sit back and see what happens.

That's it for me.   Be back tomorrow for an all new audio with Les Thatcher on ClubWWI.com.   Want to know who else you can hear on the club?   Scroll down.   There's an alphabetical listing at the bottom of this page.

Be Well.   Thanks for sharing my Insanity.