Jim Ross:   Sailor.   Made his head look humungous for some reason.   Seemed ready to strangle himself with the announce chord.

After we all cry for a Jim Ross a little bit inside, we head to our first match. 

1.Miz and Morrison defeated Primo and Carlito when Miz pinned Carlito

This Monday, Miz and Morrison are fighting DX on the three hour Raw.   Jim Ross thinks that this could be the biggest win of their career.   Biggest is just a fancy word for improbable. J.R. also explains that Pat Patterson asked him to the "WWE Prom" because he mistook him for one of the Village People.   (Murray Hodgeson Note: You too?)    I have to say that these four guys represent WWE's best work with tag teams right now.   Carlito hasn't done much more than pick his fro for the last year, but now he's all over Smackdown.   Miz was a miss before getting hooked up with Morrison.   On the flipside, Primo was brand new and John had just gone through a big gimmick change.   They all needed each other and their success is a testament to good foresight on the company's end.   It benefits all four guys.   The Colons, in fact, even have matching tights now.   On top of it, Carlito Cool is a tough character to reintroduce, but they've done it.   Ross takes his DX-M&M sell a step higher by mentioning that Mike and Johnny would be in the same category as Mr. Perfect and Rick Rude if they win on Monday.   (JG Note:   They were really pressing the issue.   I was waiting for them to tell me, "You know, Tazz, if they beat DX, they'll ascend to Heaven whole – body, mind, and soul –  and bring eternal love to the Earth…but you know, only if they beat DX.")   The match itself was good and featured some almost gotcha moments.   The heels and heroes exchanged near falls but it was the dastardly rulebreaking teamwork that put Mizorrison over.   Johnny tripped Carly from the outside.   Apple Boy stumbled back into a neckbreaker and the one, two, three.   Remember back when champions didn't lose on TV all the time?   Me neither.

Commercial Break.

I'm Jimmy Wang Yang…and I'm still employed.   Yee-haw!

2. Jimmy Wang Yang defeated The Brian Kendrick via disqualification.

Jimmy is "John Wayne Yang" for the night.   It's a Halloween thing.   We then shoot to the announce table for a look at Sgt. Tazz and Baby Huey.   The Tazzmaniac looks at the miserable Sailor and asks, "Why do I want Cracker Jacks?"   (JG Note:   Uh…because they're dee-licious.)   Ross tries to play into the whole, "You can't get to me" thing that all kids do when they're bullied.   He compares his costume to Popeye instead and jokingly tells his partner to feel his guns.   It's better than his other option – openly weeping.   As for the rasslers, The Brian Kendrick is really hitting this gimmick well.   It's creepier every week and his gyrations make you think that's it supposed to be loosely based on those heroin addicts in trendy Independent movies.   I can picture him in one of those movies, dancing around the pool, tripping his face off, and saying, "Come on in, lovers!   The water is fine!   Ooooo!"   Col. DeHumanSuplexMachine made another point about T.B.K.   He has a jacked up friend.   The Tazzster had no idea how apt his words were.   A few moments later, Ezekiel saved Kendrick from getting pinned, but earned him a disqualification.

After the bell, Jesus Ezekiel Jesus messed John Wayne up.   He got the flying Elvis as he hopped the top rope and tried to extract revenge.   It was all downhill from there.   Smash.   Crash.   Bash.   Jimmy Wang…DANG!

The Great Khali and Ranjin Singh are talking backstage.   Just a walk.   Just a talk.   No big whoop.   Sadly, they have to get interrupted by Kung Funaki. Now, he's doing the Karate Kid outfit, but he's also doing the Japanese Monster movie voice where his lips don't match.   I guess everyone forgot that he and Kaientai already did that gimmick a few years ago.   (JG Note:   INDEED!)  He talks some trash while doing karate poses. Ol' Sandleburns translated Kung's broken English into monster-language or whatever it is Khali speaks.   The Great One responds with a  long speech that Singh deciphers to mean, "Size matters."   Bada-boom-ching.   Lame.

Commercial Break.

It's Great Khali Kiss Cam Time and there are a few things I gotta say -

Is this Khali thing a rib that just went on too long?   Do they have THAT much extra TV time to piss away?   The first week, I thought it was a witty idea to have this scary monster from a Maurice Sendak book do the Maria Kiss Cam.   Then, it never seemed to end.   I guess eventually he'll kill one of the women – or at least I hope.   That'll be an ending at least.   Also, what's the deal with making giants into lover gimmicks?  Viscera.  Mark Henry.   Why?   He's the Punjabi Playboy now.   I don't get why they give big guys gimmicks like that.   How about making him a guy that crushes heads?   That would work.   Why?   Because he's a giant guy that could probably accidentally crush my head.   I miss when giants were giants.   Andre never picked women out of the crowd to make out with.   I'm not sure how I'd remember him today if he had…

So yeah, blah, blah.   Women love Khali and Ranjin Singh turns to the Kiss Cam.   Who did they pick to kiss The Giant?   A woman in a witch costume.

I really don't know how you guys want me to cover this thing.   The only thing worse than watching a segment like this is trying to explain it to someone.   The gist here is that the witch is ugly, Ranjin likes that about her.   Nervously, she gets to kiss T.G.K.

Mood music.

Kiss.

The witch wants more and demands a "French Kiss."   Ran agrees if she takes off her mask.   But Ranjin, she's not wearing a mask!   Oh!   Ho ho ho!   Ha ha ha!   Yikes.   What follows is just bad dinner theater that should make anyone watching this show on Friday night tell themselves, "Damn.   I should go out and Trick-or-Treat.   What the hell am I watching here?"

There's some more stalling and a forced "Khali" chant to give him courage.   After what seemed like an eternity, he stuck his tongue in her witchy mouth and gave her some love.   The "witch" responded by collapsing.

Seriously, there hasn't been a segment this bad in a while.

Know who liked it?   Vicki Guerrero.   Know how I know?   She's clapping backstage as she views it all on a monitor.   Not sure what that's about.   Maybe they figure if we see someone enjoying the segment on TV for a brief second, we'll subliminally be convinced that we too should enjoy it.   Nice try, guys.   I'm on to you.   My head's wrapped in tin foil.  You will not control me!

Commercial Break.

Q: You know how to tell what team is going to lose a WWE tag team match?

A: It's the team with MVP on it.

3. The Hardy Boys and Rey Mysterio defeated Kane, Mark Henry, and MVP when Jeff pinned Henry

I meant that about MVP.   I can imagine Mark Henry showed up for the show and went, "I have a tag match?   Who's my partner?   Oh.   MVP.   Guess I lose."   As Monty Porter came to the ring, HurraPopped up with Shane Helms in the VH1 bubble.   He told Porter to try winning for a change.   That's like someone who's lactose intolerant telling you to try milk.   This match was actually pretty good.   For starters, you had the giants versus the bumpers with Rey and The Hardys against Kane and Henry.   The odd man out, Montell, still went all out though.   He seems like he's really proving himself every time out and trying to be more aggressive in the ring.   It's a shame that he was injured when he was because after that program with Chris Benoit, Porter was really turning heads.   To think that was over a year and a half ago is baffling.   I'd have thought he'd be much higher by now.   Mysterio was wearing "blue and gold" tonight in honor of the Chargers.   A few weeks ago, I remember him wearing the same colors and the announcers said it was because of some tribal thing.   I dunno.   I always associated Blue and Gold with Cub Scouts.   Anyway, the High Flyers took control and things sped up.   Everyone started reversing everything and zipping to and fro.   When Matt Hardy finally grabbed hold of Mr. V. P., he nailed the Twist of Fate.   Jeffery landed the Swanton Bomb.   Three seconds later, we turn out the lights.   The party's over.

Commercial Break.

Vladimir Kozlov loves double double e and he's here to talk about it.   The big Russian in white skivvies takes the mic and gets the HurraPop treatment.   Helms pops up and does funny faces to mock the man who will kill him in a few months.   Vlad garbles through some stuff about how he's going to kill Triple H who is "soft and lazy" just like all the people watching.   It's that softness that Kozzy is gonna pound into pudding.   Then he will be double double E champion.   Yaakov Smirnoff.   Borscht.   Red sweatshirts.

Triple H is on the ramp as his music rolls.   When he sees this, V.K. makes a face that really reminds me of Mr. Bean.   Strange.  

So Beardo McWethead enters the ring to confront the big man….

"Listen Boris.   Up until now, you've done a great job.   Jumping people from behind.   Beating them up when they're not looking.   But all that stops right now.   'Cause I'm standing in this ring, looking you face to face, eye to eye, letting you know.   If you want to fight, let's do it."

- Triple H

Au contraire, Wet Hair.   Kozzy ain't itching for a fight.   He proved already that he can beat you up.   Now he wants your title.   He wants to be King of double double E.   Bam.   Just like that.   The Game then breaks into movie trivia.

"I know sometimes you guys aren't quite up to speed.   I'm sure like for example, the original Rocky movie is just hitting theaters now.   So, let me catch you up to speed on what happens in that series.   They actually make a bunch of those Rocky films.   In Rocky 4, they bring in a big Russian.   A really big mean nasty Russian and he beats up everybody.   Hell, he even kills Apollo Creed.   But you know what, Vladimir?   At the end of the movie, the American kicks the living crap out of the Russian.   You want a match for the WWE Championship?   You take it up with Vicki Guerrero.   Until then, shut your mouth…and let's do it."

- Triple H

Not sure Rocky actually kicked anyone in that movie, Hunter.   Also, Apollo Creed got a bigger reaction than some of the midcarders.  The end was anticlimactic though.   You expect the babyface to put the belt on the line.   When he told him to ask Vicki, it was like, "Uh…ok."

After the challenge, Triple removes his coat.   Kozlov removes himself.   Comrade Bean backs up the aisle and this segment ends on a flat note.  

Commercial Break. He really says, "How'd you like to bonk Hulk Hogan!"

Video Package about John Cena from his family's point of view.   His dad's head has healed.   Good for him.