Monday Morning...8AM...

Randy Orton: Knock, knock. Hey Vince, you got a minute?

Mr. McMahon: Sure thing, Champ. Just finishing up some stuff online. Blogging. Emailing. Getting my Myspace on.

Orton: You're staring into the microwave.

McMahon: Can I help you with something?

Orton:  Yeah. Actually, I have this list of things I'd like to have to go along with my title reign. I figured that since I'm now WWE Champion, it wouldn't be hard to hook a brutha up.

McMahon: Hook a brutha up? Uh. Fine. Let's see what you have here. (Taking paper) You wrote this yourself?

Orton: (smiling) Yes I did.

McMahon: You misspelled "Raw." How the hell did you manage to do that? There's no C in it.

Orton: Oh. I thought it was silent like "Czar" or "Zoo."

McMahon: What?  No. Let's see what you have here.  (reading though each point) Yeah, this one isn't gonna happen... This isn't going to happen either... Stephanie won't do this...I'm not buying you a gun...I'm not buying you an airplane...I'm not buying you an airplane with a giant gun attached to it...Gotta say, kid. This is all pretty insane. What's this list of names here?

Orton: That's a list of new people I'd like to kick in the head on Raw.

McMahon: Jerry Lawler. Tim Meadows. Cousin Brucie. Julie Andrews...pretty sure she's dead. Kate Hudson. Tom Jenkins. Who's Tom Jenkins?

Orton: Kid I went to elementary school with. He stole my Kirby Puckett Topps rookie card from my desk.

McMahon: Uh. OK. (continuing to read) Tom Arnold. Imelda Marcos. The Jumping Bomb Angels. Wilford Brimley. Justine Bateman. Brian Sabatino. Brian Sabatino? Who's that? Another elementary school kid?

Orton: Yeah.

McMahon: God, Randy. How many people did you have problems with when you were a kid?

Orton: Huh? Oh. (chuckling) No. No. No. I didn't go to a elementary school with him. He's an actual kid in elementary school. Lives down the block from me. You should see him, man. Riding his f**kin' Big Wheels around like he owns the place.

McMahon: I don't think any of this is going to happen, kiddo. (reading on) What's this down here? You want your own interview segment called "Rated H2O" where you - is this right? Where you hold all the divas underwater?

Orton: Not all of them. Just the ones I listed.

McMahon: You listed all of them. In fact, some of these don't even work here anymore.

Orton: No. I left some off. What about that Kendrick chick?

McMahon: What? Kendrick chick?

Orton: Yeah. She's not on there.

McMahon: Brian Kendrick? He's a guy.

Orton: What? Shut up.

McMahon: Yeah. He's a guy.

Orton: You sure? Kendrick. The flat-chested girl. Short hair. Wears big shiny shorts.

McMahon: He's a dude, Randy.

Orton puts his head in his hands and stares at the floor.

McMahon: Oh no. What did you do to him? You didn't...?

Orton: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

McMahon: Fine. (continuing to read) Let's see what else we have here. Not going to give you a life-size action figure... Not going to paint a giant mural of you on the side of Hunter's bus...Your dad is already in the Hall of Fame...Not going to induct your mom into the Hall of Fame...Not going to rename Summerslam "Randy Orton Rules, Bitches"... Not gonna...What's this one? You want to put a shirt in a bucket and throw it at Candice Michele?

Orton: Huh? Oh. No. The "r" is silent.

Exhausted, Vince stares at Randy.

McMahon: Look. No. No. Whatever you're thinking, no. If I were you, I'd just try to keep under the radar. There's a certain bearded guy on Raw that's going to be breaking down our ratings by quarter-minutes over the next few months, if you know what I mean.

Orton: (dejected) Fine. Can, uh, I just get a cup of coffee then?

McMahon: You can have it if you're gonna drink it. Not if you're going to pour it on someone.

Orton: (hanging his head) Forget it. I'll just go.

McMahon: Good idea. Stop by if you ever need anything else and...hey. Is that your pocketbook?

Orton: This? Uh, yeah. I bought it at The Pocketbook Store.

McMahon: You sure you didn't steal...ah forget it. Just keep it. Have fun. You're champion now. Knock yourself out.

Orton: (skipping away) Hooray! Hooray!

ClubWWI.com Members, Check Out
All the latest audio posted in the past few days...

James Guttman
Post WWE No Mercy Audio report (72 Minutes)

Randy Orton's Unique Title Reign, Vince McMahon's Y2J Acknowledgement, The Gilligan's Island Cage Match, The "Bonus" Match, Big Daddy V's Future, Umaga's Problem, The Boat That Finlay's Missing, JBL vs. Tazz, Hardy Vomit, and More

"It's All Good" With Aaron Wood
78 Minute Audio Report

Aaron sells out! Hear how during a rant on TNA's first 2-hour effort and previewing the No Mercy PPV.

Plus, a discussion with 2007 WWE Diva Search Contestant Taryn Terrell.

(JG Note 2011 - Tiffany)

If you're looking for an interview full of fluff, this isn't the one for you.  Taryn doesn't hold her tongue about any topic and speaks openly and honestly  on ClubWWI.com about everything that she's asked about.  From being warned about Randy Orton to TNA to Stacy Kiebler's poor acting career, Taryn doesn't mince words on any subject.

It doesn't end there.  Taryn won't be our only interview this week!

All this, plus many other guests with shoot interviews including Sid Vicious, Eric Bischoff, Jerry Lawler, Vince Russo, Nick "U-Gene" Dinsmore, John Heidenreich, Christian Cage, Samoa Joe, Kevin Nash, Diamond Dallas Page, La Resistance, The Steiner Brothers, AJ Styles, Demolition, Paul Bearer, Bobby Heenan, Ted DiBiase, Road Warrior Animal, The Iron Sheik, Rhino, Tito Santana, Earl Hebner, Charlie Haas, Christy Hemme, Christopher Daniels. and many more.

If you're wondering what Club all your favorite stars are hanging out at, wonder no more.  They're at ClubWWI . 

No more Mercy, people. The pay-per-view is in the history books and we saw three new World Champions crowned in one night. That's historic! Even more historic? You guessed it. First pay-per-view to feature Matt Hardy's puke. I'm sure Jeff's puked on himself before during a show, but with the florescent paint he pours on himself, it's tough to tell. First time for Matt, though. Speaking of first time, tonight will be the first time we hear from John Cena since he was injured at the hands of Misterrrrrrrr Rannedy...Rannedy! What will the now-former WWE Champion have to say? Only one way to find out. Grab some hot cocoa. Grab a loved one. Pour the hot cocoa on them. Watch them scream. Then, listen to Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross. It's time for Raw.

We kick things off with Mr. McMahon. As the chairman of the board spaz-walks his way to the ring, J.R. and The King welcome me to Grand Rapids. They say that Mr. McFunnystrut is in a good mood tonight due to last night's events. Vinnie Mac backs them up on the microphone. You see, last night he proved that his word is his bond. He guaranteed a new WWE Champion. Done. He guaranteed a WWE Championship match at No Mercy. Done times three. He promised history would be made at No Mercy. That happened as well. Here. Take a look at this quick video detailing the whole thing in a neat little package.

No Mercy Video Package: Randy Orton gets the title handed to him to start the night. Hunter saves the day. Hunter defends the day against Umaga. Orton ruins the day. Day ends.

As you can plainly see, history was made last night at No Mercy. However, history isn't done being made. You see, Vince McMahon is making history again tonight! Two nights in a row! Two histories! How so? Like this:

After announcing the scheduled group hand touching, Daddy Mac makes the next big announcement. He's putting the pretend power in the grubby little hands of all his fans. That's right! At Cyber Sunday, we all have the chance to go online and vote! Our choices are...

Triple H hits the ring and Vince immediately jumps on him. He begins to needle H over his tough night. Trippie isn't in the mood to listen, though. He's here to talk.

Rematch, beeotch? Be careful not to write checks that your Gamy ass can't cash. After all, you had three matches last night, Trips. You already...ah. Cha'know what? Forget it. You want a match? You got it. Eff it. No worries. Tonight. Triple H vs. Randy Orton. Done! Vinnie Mac trots off and it looks like we have a match for the night.

Oh. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The Boss forgot to say the most important part. It's going to be Triple H vs. Randy Orton...and his tag team partner, Umaga! Ha! Now put that in your water bottle and wear it, Elbowpads. Game on.

Commercial Break. Step one. Admit you have a problem. Step two. Sell those shiny pants.

You know what I hate? The term "diva." I mean, it's 2007. The term is kind of played out and isn't really cutting edge anymore. It has a real definition. It's not interchangeable with "woman." Then again, it's better than "knockout," but that's just ridiculous. Even more insane to all this is that the title is still called the "Women's Title." How can you call the title "Women's" and then not refer to them as women? What's the point? In an awkward moment, Jerry Lawler tells Jim Ross that he loves sex and hopes to do it again someday. For J.R.'s sake, I hope Lawler's hand wasn't on his knee at the time. I'm not a big fan of Beth Phoenix's new "I'm Not Jillian Hall" headband. It's weird looking. Not as weird looking as the guy in the third row wearing the Michael Meyers mask, but weird nonetheless. As for a match, this one wasn't bad. There was a strong focus on submission holds and athletic moves. Even the awkward victory roll at the end couldn't' really damper the mood. Candy got the victory on Jill as Beth pounded the hell out of Mickie James outside. After the bell, The King asked if we could have "six or eight diva matches tonight." Good luck finding enough people to fill those matches, Jerry. Not enough "divas" for that. (JG Note: Kendrick doesn't count.)

Commercial Break. 28 Weeks Later - Tomorrow. Uh...what?

William Regal and his hair are both back and they're already back at work on his office. He's replaced the décor of John Coachman, who has gotten hurt and now has to walk with a Slick cane. Will has big photos of George Michael, Elton John, and Queen Elizabeth to add to the room's charm. This causes John to laughs and say that they all have something in common. "They're all queens!" (JG Note: They need to hire a big whacky clown run into the room with a giant bicycle horn after jokes like that.) While all this joking is going on, Vince McMahon shows up to inquire as to the well being of his grown-up baby, Hornswoggle. William tells Dadswoggle that his Little Bastard is napping. No worries. Once the boss takes off though, the worries begin. Regal tells his new assistant to move his Coachly ass and check on Master Horny. He's sleeping...in the closet. When John does go to check, he returns with some bad news. Seems that the Leprechaun is lepra-gone. Irate, the General Manager tells the Coach to find him. Go on, Assistant Gimpy. Your theme of the night has been set. Find that midget! Find that midget! Find that midget!

Back at the broadcast booth, we head to a video package detailing the history of Cyber Sunday. Before that, Jerry Lawler guesses that Hornswoggle is taking part "in a slam dunk contest with Danny Devito." (Whacko The Clown Note: HONK! HONK!)

Commercial Break. Dr. Steve-o can turn you into a man. I guess real men snort wasabi and put electrodes on their testicles. Yay. Where do I sign up?

Next match on the agenda., Santino Marella versus...

Not so fast, Paisan. Santa has a small announcement to make first.

Manga cake?

Lawler says that Snitsky has yellow teeth. He also has breath so bad that he doesn't know whether to offer him gum or toilet paper. How about toilet gum? That would be unique. Anyway, Val was squashed like a jaywalking turtle here. Snitty hit the big boot. He followed it up with a Pumphandle Slam. Three seconds later and it's off to the back to celebrate with some delicious toilet gum. Yum.

Video Package hyping Evander Holyfield's boxing match on PPV this weekend. They show clips of his fight against MVP and Matt Hardy. Of course, wrestling and boxing are similar except, you know, boxing's a bit more predetermined.

Last week, Ken Kennedy injured John Cena. Then, according to the announcers, Randy Orton further aggravated the injury with a post match attack. Then, John went backstage and slipped on a banana peel, further injuring himself. Then, his carpal tunnel started acting up and he had some acid reflux. Finally, he drank some Diet Pepsi Max while laying down and it went down the wrong pipe, causing him to cough pretty hard. Then his arm fell off. Hear what he has to say after the break...if he's still alive by then.

Commercial Break. Would you buy a car from the Dingo Warrior?

Via Satellite from Tampa, Florida, it's the former WWE Champion John Cena. He has an arm in a sling and fields some questions about his pec surgery from J.R. The main point here is the injury. How's the old pain in the boob, Champ?

"JR, I'm not gonna insult you. I'm not going to insult the fans. They know by watching the program that everything is painful. They saw last night at No Mercy, an athlete like Triple H go through unbelievable pain during the Last Man Standing Match. It's just something you have to focus on. It's like I can't think about yesterday. I can't think about the injury, the pain. I just have to focus on getting better. The number one goal now is getting better and getting in that ring. "
          - John Cena

After that, Jerry Lawler brings up the "R" word. Randy Orton. Orton said that your injury saved you the embarrassment of getting beaten up. What say you, Mariney? John responds that every champion wants to fight and it's like telling die hard Cleveland Indians fan, Jerry Lawler (who discusses his fondness for them in his ClubWWI.com interview - plug, plug, wink, wink), that his team should give up for fear of losing the World Series. According to Dr. Thuggy, everyone wants to fight. Randy may be confident as the new WWE Champion, but he has better things to worry about than Triple H or John Cena. Later tonight, Randall has to shake hands with all of his potential enemies and John John has a feeling he'll have some problems on the horizon.

As soon as Johnny's time ends, Randy's time begins. The Legend Killer comes out to his music and it's time for his handicap match against Triple H. Jerry Lawler says that the segment featuring all the WWE superstars shaking hands with Orton will come later on tonight. What does that mean? It means that right now, there's 40 guys spitting on their hands backstage.

Before they do the two on one thing, it's time for that infamous video...

5. Chris Jericho Chris Jericho Chris Jericho Chris Jericho. In closing, Chris Jericho.

Ahem. Now that that's out of the way, it's time for the real Savior to save us. The Savior of Saviors. The 222 of 222s. Beardo McWeirdo of Planet Stephanie...Triple H!

3. Triple H defeated Randy Orton and Umaga via disqualification

In today's audio report I did with Mike Rickard, we spoke about how Umaga needs to be protected. Well, this isn't the way to get it done. Why put him in a two on one match? Shouldn't he be too much to handle alone? Factor in that there's no tags and it's even worse. You have a monster and the WWE Champion against one dude...and it's not only believable, but too hard to call a winner. So weird. They should just get rid of the WWE Title and let the Champion strap Triple H around his waist. That's not to say that Rated Bulldozer didn't get the upper hand for most of the match. They did. There were head butts, Samoan Drops, and punches throughout. In fact, Randall and his Samoan co-hort even went for a double team move. But as Maga climbed the ropes, The King of Kings kicked Orton into him. The Legend Killer stumbled and The Game took control. He tossed Jamala from the ring and hit the new Champion with a Spinebuster. That's when The Samoan returned to the ring and hit the K.o.K. with a chair. The bell rang and it looked like the end of the road for The X-Degenerate.

Umy pounded away while Cowboy Bob's kid got that glazed look in his eyes. As Hunt was brought to his feet, Randall took him back to the mat with an RKO. The Champion seemed to be finished with the attack and walked up the aisle, but the Bulldozer wasn't. He set HHH up in the corner, backed up slowly and ran straight into his face.

Ass first.

Then he did it again.

After taking two ass shots to the kisser, Mr. H dropped to the mat and Umaga climbed the ropes. He landed a splash and Jim Ross said this:

"This has Mr. McMahon's DNA all over it."

UCK! Does he mean the ring mat? You don't think Vince...he couldn't...all over the canvas? Ewwwww!

As I tried to wipe out the thought of Vince McMahon jacking his genetic jackhammer all over the squared circle, Maga landed a Samoan Spike on Helmsley. No superman comeback here. The Kingly King crumbled to the mat as Umy's Jungle Boogie played over the sound system. Two refs came to check on him, but Gameboy seemed to be down for the count.

...Until he rolled out of the ring, pushed the referees away, and started to walk to the back on his own.

It didn't last long.  Tripz only got a few steps in before falling flat on his face. But that doesn't matter. He gets an A for effort. He tried. Man, that guy has real determination and power. What? Yeah. Sure. I guess he probably wrote that into the script himself, but it doesn't mean he didn't use his inner strength and power. What? OK. So it does, but still. Shut up. He has nice hair.

Commercial Break. Would you go to a parade with the Ultimate Warrior?

Commercial Break. BRETTTTTTTTTT!

Commercial Break. IcoPro. You gotta screw it!

Commercial Break. Snap into the power-r-r-r-r-r-r!

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