Oh pretend world, how fun you are! Speaking of pretend world, get set to strap on your "suspension of disbelief" caps because Spike TV is on the agenda tonight with a slew of questions searching for answers. Will the Dudley Boys finally put an end to the Evolutionary reign of terror by tag champs Ric Flair and Batista? Can Stevie Richards dance his way around Test while defending the honor of his flower, Victoria? Did Chris Jericho make Mae Young the Highlight of his Night after the cameras went off the air? Is Trish Stratus aware of Y2J's love? Who's the next legend on the Randy Orton hit list? What about Eric Bischoff and his retaking of Raw from temp G.M. Teddy Long? Are Uncle Eric's sights set on the new Sheriff in town, Steve Austin? Where's Goldberg? Does Triple H have a plan to make Shawn Michaels feel the Sting at the Royal Rumble? Why did Britney Spears marry George Costanza? Sit back, settle down, and cover the furniture. It's time for some Raw!

January 12th, 2004.…Uniondale, New York

Raw Theme Plays. Knock, Knock…Who's there?….John Coachman….John Coachman who? Oh, wait. Uh, actually no one's home. Please go away.

Long Island, lock up your barbeque sauce and strippers! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are in the house and they've brought along a jam-packed show. Randy Orton defends his Intercontinental Title against Rob Van Dam. Then from there, Booker T meets Kane! The only thing that could ruin this is the Coach!

The Coach shows up and sits at the broadcast booth. He's come back to join the King and J.R. in announce duty. About as excited as I am, the Kingly Cowboys show their obvious displeasure. Relax, guys. Coachman hasn't shown up empty handed. He brings to you tonight, a face-to-face interview with Triple H and Shawn Michaels! How's that? Yeah, you like Coachman now, right? Right? Yeah, me neither.

(1) Women's Champion Molly Holly & Jazz defeated Lita & Trish Stratus when Jazz pinned Trish Good to see Jazz back. One of my favorite "wrestler moments" is when Jazz raises her arms in the air during a match and screams out "I'm the best!" It's as if a wrestler just jumped up and down and screamed "Hooray for me!" It always cracks me up. Good match that got a good reaction from the suddenly easygoing Nassau Coliseum crowd. Well, except when Trish tossed Jazz in for a falling neck breaker and missed, grabbing her hair on the way down for an awkward fall. That one elicited a boo. Other than that, things went swimmingly. I'd like to see them do something more with the character of Molly Holly though. She's doing great in her current role, but it just seems too generic for a long-running Women's Champion. Coachman was unbearable on commentary for this one. There was once a time when Jerry Lawler would be able to crush him with one-liners. But that time has passed. It's 2004 and all the King could do was babble back. Following that blown neck breaker spot, Trish crouched in the corner and prepared for DJ Jazzy Jazz to get to her feet. Teddy Long interjected and tossed his jacket over her head. Totally discombobulated over the sports coat of doom, Stratus stumbled and was rolled up into a handful of tights by Jazz. Three seconds later and Team MollyJazz is your winners. Teddy likes her. I guess Molly's black now too. Beliedat.

Following the win, Jazz and Theodore go back on the attack. They ravage the Divas with kicks and punches. Long attempts to hold Trish for a Jazz punch, but the evil deed is thwarted by her knight in shiny pants, Chris Jericho. Y2J+4 turns Teddy Long over into the Walls of Jericho before Mark Henry hit’s the ring. Big Mark flattens the King of Bling Bling. The moral of the story? Love means getting your ass kicked by Sexual Chocolate.

Commercial Break. Stay tuned for the John Hanson Project. If it doesn't have Kermit the Frog in it, I'm not interested.

The Reason Behind Version One's burial: Vince McMahon caught him peeing in the champagne glasses at Hunter and Stephanie's Wedding.

It must be Matt Hardy's birthday or something because he's given a microphone. Clad in his snakeskin Japanese suit, Matt Hardy Version Forgotten begins to preach. (JG Note: For some reason, Matt Hardy's upper lip was the shiniest thing I've seen in a while. I couldn't tell if his nose was running or if he had just downed a big bucket of water backstage. Either way, Hardy had a shiny lip.) Has anyone else noticed the disappearance of Mattitude since Stone Cold Steve Austin made his return to Raw? Have you? Anyone? Well, Hardy has! He's had enough of all this. He's here to demand some action and he ain't leaving until he gets some.

We've had him drive cement trucks, monster trucks, ATVs and jeeps. Let's get him a unicycle. That'll work.

Beep beep. It's the Texas Rattlesnake Steve Austin and he's pulling into Raw in the Popemobile. Austin lets Hardy know that he's not here to be no co-GM. He's here to enforce the law - his law! Matty H ain't breakin the law. He's just out here to look for some challenges. But the way you went about things is a bit unlawful, buddy. You wanna run your mouth? Well, you're breaking the law. You can fight tonight. You can fight…Stone Cold Steve Austin! Whoa, whoa, whoa…relax, Sheriff. Matt isn't fighting you tonight. Why? Well, he's already fought you at one point in his career. We're not going to give the fans some rerun of 2001. No way! Matt wants to face someone fresh - someone he's never faced. Ol' Stone Cold has just a someone in mind.

Who's next?

Uh, that would be me. I'm #118. I'll take a quarter pound of Alpine Lace American and a third of D & W Honey Ham.

(2) Goldberg pinned Matt Hardy after a Jackhammer Bill's back and he's bearded. Seriously, Bill looked A-Train's "after" picture. Berg-Train stepped into the ring and gave Matt Hardy an education in why it's important to be over 250 in WWE. There was some "offense" by Lita's man, but it didn't last long. There were some lackluster kicks and punches that eventually found themselves overpowered by Goldy's might. Version One found a brief moment of success when he hooked Buffalo Bill in the corner and hit a second rope side effect. Goldberg sold it for a few seconds before catching his Hardy foe in a Military Press down into a Powerslam. With the Sensei of Mattitude writing in pain and contemplating a career move, Berg landed a solid Spear and a Jackhammer.

Bearded Bill takes the stick and proclaims that he's back. Not just that, but he's back with a purpose. (JG Note: At least he's got something Rico doesn't) Count Mr. Bill in the Royal Rumble. He'll enter. He'll win. He'll go to WrestleMania. Good luck, Bill. If you do, could I get a ride? I hate the Railroad.

Commercial Break. I have an idea for Truth.com. Instead of spending how many thousands of dollars on body bags and mannequins for shock ads, why not donate that money to cancer research? Get back to me on that.

Steve! What the frig are you doing? Eric Bischoff is mad, and justifiably so. How could you lift the suspension of Goldberg? Didn't you see Uncle Eric send him home? Well, Bisch, that's where you got things backwards. You never filled out any forms with the office. You didn't get approval. You're a raving mad man. You can't just go around suspending people at whim. (JG Note: Stunning them at whim - that's ok) That's why the Sheriff is here, damnit. That's why Bill's back. Bischoff concedes that point and then informs Austin that he is going to allow the Michaels-Hunter match at the Royal Rumble to stand, despite the fact that Stone Cold made it. You see, Schoff just talked to the top secret Board of Directors and made it official. You don't make matches anymore, Steve-o. You got that? The Bionic Redneck tells him to keep his job. He doesn't want it. Steve's the Sheriff and he's here to enforce rules. Eric's reminded to not piss off the Rattlesnake and the scene ends. Fin.

Vignette airs: Randy Orton is better than Mick Foley. It's a good promo package and sort of funny. The only annoying thing is that every time it plays, at first I think it's a promo for the new Mick Foley DVD. Then I realize that I've seen this before and feel stupid.

Little Hunter, Randy Orton, is standing by backstage and he's calling out local Long Island boy, Mick Foley. He rubs in Mick's cowardice in the face of phlegm a few weeks back. Don't be a girly-man, Mickey. Randy has reserved a seat for you and all you need to do is pick it up. Just go to the Will Call window and show up. Rectify your act of cowardice. Let the Legend Killer finish what he started. Come witness Orton's beating of RVD. Cause after Robby V, Randy O wants you in that ring tonight. Come on! You ain't nothing, Balboa! .

Commercial Break. No, Brock. We all win.

Dear Bubba,

Hate you. Hate the shorts. Get your own damn tables.

(3) Batista pinned D-Von Dudley Coach is still hyping his interview with Hunter and Michaels. At least he's not talking about his sex life. (JG Note: Earlier he called out Jim Ross on his impotence. Every time Coachman says something like that, I hear it in Vince McMahon's voice.) We also get a chance to see Mankind's reserved seat. This was what you'd expect. I don't get this feud. It just seems strange. I'm still getting over the fact that Flair and Tista are tag champs. While Slick Ric beat down Bubba Ray on the outside, Reverend D-Von knocked himself silly with a vicious head butt. Deacon Dave capitalized and beat up his former Reverend and spiritual Smackdown leader with a kick to the gut and a Powerbomb. If you're looking for the collection plate, you ain't getting it back, D-Von.

Nature Boy and the Beastly Man grabbed a table and set it up in the ring, to the glee of the Coach. Things went horribly wrong when the Dudleys regained composure and attempted to drive Ric through the wood. Davey B put an end to this grievous injustice and saved the Dirtiest Player in Triple H from a painful bump.

Still to come: Harlem Heat Kole meets the Christmas Creature.

Commercial Break. "I'm sorry. I wasn't watching your daughter because I was too busy getting high." "We understand." "I know. The commercial said you would."

Randy Orton is in the parking lot and now he's sending a limo to get Foley. The funny thing is that I had to head out at this point and for a minute thought, since Raw was down the road from me, I might pass the limo on Hempstead Turnpike (the road the Coliseum's on). Then I remembered that it's wrestling and wrestling's pretend. They're not really sending out a limo

Mark Henry and Jazz are just kickin it backstage when Theodore Long approaches. The Microsoft GM informs his protégé's that he just got finished bitching out Bischoff. Typical cracker, that Eric. He's all nice to your face and then stabs you in the back. He knew what would happen last week. He knew that Steve Austin would rain on his parade, beliedat. What a waste of a wish! Long was chased and Stunned last week. How disgraceful. Well, Bisch says he can't do anything to change the past (JG Note: If he was Marty McFly, he could use the Flex Capacitor) What he could do is make a new match for tonight. I hope you're hungry tonight, Big Mark. Tonight you eat Chris Jericho. You can wash him down with Hatoraide. Holla.

Goldberg is just trotting along backstage when he's confronted by Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner. Hey, Bill, have you forgotten your history with Scott Steiner? You know, Scott, right? The guy you can't beat? Yeah, that's him. Well, anyways, Steiner heard you saying that you were jumping into the Royal Rumble. Don't get to excited Gold-Train. The Rumble win is going to a floundering midcard heel on Raw this year. That man is Freakzilla! BG retorts that he can beat the Big Bad Booty Daddy easily. Why wait? Let's do it tonight! Scott Steiner's a bad guy, so he has to refuse tonight's match. He wants you at 100% Goldy. You have a week. Buffalo Bill tells the Steiner Brother that he's "next." Scott plays with his facial hair as the Goldenbergler takes his leave.

John Coachman is standing on the announce table and informs us that HBK and Triple H are next. Nah ah. Goldberg just said that Scott Steiner's next. Something's fishy around here.

Commercial Break. The Final Fantasy X 2 commercial is great. I love how they've found a way to mix video games with half naked women. All they need to do is make a console that serves beer and wings and most people would never leave the house again.

The Coach is in the ring and the red Brother Love tarp is spread out. The man who makes me miss Sean Mooney steps back and introduces the World Champion…

Helmsley Family Christmas 2011

Hey kids! Merry Christmas. You remember how you told Daddy that you wanted a new game from Santa? You got it! It's me! I am the game!

You suck, Daddy.

Trips lounges in one of the chairs, after spitting water at people. Once he gets settled, JC makes intro #2.

Helmsley Family Christmas 2011

Hey kids! Uncle Shawn is here! He brought bibles with his picture on it and sequined vests for you. Now what do you say?

Ugh…thank you, Uncle Shawn.

Michaels clears the ring of furniture and stands nose to shark fin with Hunter. Talk quickly switches to the old school Kliqy friendship between the Boy Toy and the Steph Toy. Shawn prefers to skip it, but Trips persists. You remember how the Game was your lackey? He was your sidekick. People looked down on him! No more! You wanted to hold Hunter down, but he rose up and carried the ball after you fell apart. When you couldn't get the job done, Helmsley ran with the ball. HBK contends that he carried the wagon or something. To which Hunt replies with two bleeped "bullshit"s. It took you to leave for people to see what the Cerebral Assassin was capable of. They banter back and forth about DX history before Gameboy begins to make verbal love to Michaels. He struggles but eventually spits out that the Heartbreak Kid is one of the best wrestlers ever. There's maybe two guys ever that exceed him. The problem is that no matter how good Shawny is, Triple H is just that much better. (JG Note: If there's two guys above Shawn Michaels and Hunter's the other one, then who's the other wrestler that ranks above Shawn Michaels in the list of legends?) The interview starts to drag and some faint boring cries are heard as Lord Shawn begins to give a Piper-esque rant about the quickness of a second. All is redeemed though, when the Midnight Rocker turns and lays out Coachman with an unexpected Superkick. See, Trips? That's how quick a second is. They do the "almost kissing, but not quite" pose as the segment ends.

Still to come: Van Dam meets Orton. Kane meets Booker. Scooby Doo meets the Harlem Globetrotters.

Commercial Break. The NY Lotto slogan is now "Change for a Dollar." They should just say "NY Lotto - If you win, you can buy your ex-girlfriend's house and have it torn down."

(4) Booker T defeated Kane via disqualification They hype WWE Originals . which I bought tonight. I've only listened to a few tracks but it's…um, interesting. It really needs a Hillbilly Jim love song, if you ask me. On the subject of evil Kane, Jim Ross asks what type of person would bury their own brother at Survivor Series. (JG Note: That depends, Jim. What if said brother set a fire that killed the people you came to know as your parents? Maybe a Survivor Series burial is quite called-for.) The action didn't get too far as the animalistic Red Machine viciously beat Book about the ringside area until the ref called for the bell.

Following the awkward ending, Kane-o planted Mr. T with a Tombstone piledriver. With Book rolling in pain, Dr. Kane smiled. Paramedics rushed to the aid of the Five Time WCW Champ. Quick! Get him a whole pound of food men love!

Commercial Break. Remember the Simpsons Episode where Marge buys the designer dress really cheap at the outlets and then wears it to a Country Club. Since she can't afford another dress, she just keeps changing the original dress slightly until everyone notices and the whole thing falls apart? I feel like Adam Sandler does that with his scripts.

Hello Children.

Hey, Chef Mark Henry . What's for lunch today?

Mark Henry, Teddy Long, and Jazz stand center ring while we rehash the earlier attack on Chris Jericho.

Hi, yes, do you work here? OK, great. I really like this suit that you have in the window. I was wondering if I could get it in a size 44? OK, great. Oh also, instead of cotton, can I get it in neon pink aluminum foil?

(5) Mark Henry pinned Chris Jericho with a Powerslam Chris and Mark matched in this. Jericho was in his red tights while Mark Henry was again dressed like a jacked up Malcolm Jamal Warner in a Santa suit. I guess Jericho has finally moved on to leaning baby face tweener. A lot of power moves by Henry, but the big man fell short in the stamina department. He looked tired and out of his element. Having Mark try to keep up with guys half his size is an injustice to both him and his opponents. A guy like Oh Henry shouldn't be in matches like this. He should fight the power guys and have fairly short matches with highfliers. Seeing Sexual Chocolate trying to keep up with the condition of the Highlight of the Night was just strange. He's just been overpushed. Jericho attempted to roll Mizark over in the Walls a number of times, but fell short. When he attempted a Lionsault from the second rope, Jazz interfered. This sent Trish running out from the back to rectify the situation. She took down Jazzy and allowed Y2J the chance to finally slap on the Liontamer for the submission…but wait. The referee was too preoccupied with the catfight to see the tap out. Chris released the hold and celebrated before realizing the contest was still going on. Big Mark saw the opening and planted CJ with the "205 Powerslam." Three raps of the mat signaled for a victory on Team Long. Holla.

Commercial Break. Ashton Kutcher's new movie is the "Butterfly Effect?" Is that like the "ping pong ball trick?"

We're back in the lovely Nassau Veteran's Memorial Coliseum and Mick Foley's seat is still empty. It could be because there's some weird scary guy in a baby blue knit cap sitting next to it.

Girl Talk backstage between Stacy Kiebler and Trish Stratus. Stacy gives Trish some advice. Jericho digs you, you better tell him how you feel before things get worse. (JG Note: Oh yeah, cause Stacy Kiebler has such great luck with men. She was the Dutchess of Dudleyville, left David Flair at the alter, and then spent about four months as the slave/sex toy of Test and Scott Steiner. I think Stratus should shop around for some better advisors.)

Jim Ross doesn't think that the Royal Rumble stinks. In fact, the card is stacked. HBK-Triple H in a Last Man Standing Match. Just added, Tista and Flair meet the Dudleys in a Table Match. Fifteen men from Raw and Fifteen from Smackdown in the ring at once. The graphic showed: Booker T, Christian, Kane, Goldberg, Mark Henry, Chris Jericho, Scott Steiner, Chris Benoit, Billy Gunn, Kurt Angle, and John Cena. That's only 11, so there's more to come. Should be interesting this year with the roster split.

Chris Jericho is healing backstage when an irate Christian runs in. He's flipping out over how Trish Stratus is messing with Y2J's head. Look at your career since your Stratus-love! You lose all the time now! She's out to get you. Sister Christian insists that he's only looking out for his "best friend." Now gear up, Chrissy. Edge's little brother is taking you out on Long Island to do this place up "sexy beast style." (JG Note: Long Island is a real swinging area on a Monday night. That's when all the real party people party.) Jericho tells the man in the denim jacket with the furry collar that he's right. They then leave.

But as luck would have it, Trish Stratus is walking to the door just as he departs. She knocks but opens to find no one there. They should have played that sound on Let's Make a Deal when the contestant picked the wrong door. She should have opened it and heard "Waa-waaaa…." That would have been funny.

Evolution is evolving in the parking lot. The foursome are awaiting Mick Foley's entrance. Dressed for winter weather, Batista is all bundled up in his red scarf. Don't sweat it, Orton. When Foley shows up, DeEvolution X will take him out. They can barely get a cackle out when they’re almost run down by Steve Austin and his Mario Kart. Stone Cold tells them that if they go to ringside for Randy's defense against Rob Van Dam, he's going to run them over with his Koopa Kart. Hunter says he's full of crap. The Rattlesnake revs up and chases them down, before stopping to do donuts. Speaking of donuts, go grab one if you're hungry. It's a commercial.

Commercial Break. The played my favorite commercial again. It's the one where the guy saves his sick son's life by using the high speed of Optimum Online to give him a remedy. I'm sure if he had dial-up and had to wait another ten minutes to get to the remedy, his son would have died from the sniffles.

Hey I know you. Aren't you Legend from NWA-TNA? You used to be Joey Legend and Just Joe in the WWF?

Yeah. Oh, hey I know you!

Randy Orton steps into the squared circle and gears up for RVD.

Yo, I'm next. Should I spray cologne or use Visine or something? No, I worry, man. At the curtain, Vince McMahon always looks at me weird like and says "Hello, Rob." I know he knows, man! Seriously, I look alright? No Visine? You sure? OK. I'm going in.

(6) Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton pinned Rob Van Dam after a DDT It's good to see this match in the main event of Raw. I think that the point of last week's Dudleys-Tista/Flair main event was to showcase what the company could do with new names in the top spot on the show. Last week was a misstep, this week wasn't. RVD and Orton could benefit greatly from this spot. They delivered a good showing too. The drama hit a high point when Robby V tossed Randy over the barricade and came down from the apron with a spin kick. A bloodied Legend Killer fell backwards in the Mick Foley seat. Cut to: parking lot. A limo is arriving! Is it Mick Foley? Wait two minutes and we'll tell you!

Commercial Break. Now Subway is Atkin's Friendly? Why? Didn't Jared lose weight by eating Subway? Didn't the Subway sandwiches he ate have bread? Didn't he lose weight while eating bread? Wasn't that Subway's thing?

The action continues and Ace Cowboy's kid is still oblivious to the fact that Mick Foley might, maybe, could, perhaps, be here. Pretty solid bout that carried itself even in the face of an outside distraction (Dude Love's arrival) Things slowed down with an Orton body scissors but picked back up with Randall lifted RVD into a backbreaker position and turned it into a neck drop. We then went back to rest holds for a bit until it was Mr. Monday Night's turn to gain momentum. Some well-educated kicks and close near falls, the Whole Dam Show looked ready to win the whole damn match. However, when Ort ducked a spin kick, the ref took the brunt of the blow. (JG Note: Oh the old time ref bump. It never gets old. I hope someone hits someone else with a roll of dimes.) Ref falls and Randall lands a low blow. When the official finally reaches his feet, he begins to count both competitors down. Rob gets to his feet and RO attempts an RKO only to be reversed. Van Dam gets a near fall and then climbs the buckle. The Legend Killer gets to his feet and knocks Robby VD down on the turnbuckle. He pulls him in, stretches him out and splatters him into the ring with a DDT. As Gorilla Monsoon would say, "It's all over but the shouting."

After the bell, we go to a shot of Cactus Jack's empty seat. Hunter comes in to raise Randy's hand while Jim Ross screams that Mick Foley isn't a coward. Tell it walking, Jim. Foley no shows and Orton's forehead bleeds as we fade to black.

All in all… Eh. Nothing great, nothing bad. I guess it was slightly better than average, but it was a night that just seemed to fall short in some areas.

The Foley no-show thing was pretty bad. There should have been someone, anyone, in that limo. To have the program end without any explanation given was just flat. Especially after you hyped a limousine arrival. Hey, WWE brought it up. They should follow through. If they never showed the limo, no one would have cared if he didn't show.

The HBK-Hunter segment was pretty bad at first and came off like two guys going out of their way to put over each other while putting themselves over more. Just forced and almost hokey. However, the ending really did a lot to save it. The crowd was pumped and who doesn't like the see Coachman knocked silly?

This whole Jericho-Trish thing could be solved if one of them just watched the tapes of Raw.

Goldberg's back and Matt Hardy's jobbed. So it goes. Goldberg's return got a great pop and the match itself did well. Bill's always been pretty popular here on Long Island. (JG Note: Then again, Joey Buttafuoco and Billy Joel are pretty popular on Long Island) He did well in showcasing what he's known for - raw power. Next week's match with Scott Steiner was initially intriguing, but I think that within a week I'll have remembered what WCW was like and be not so excited. We'll see, I'm all for nostalgia. Eric Bischoff should watch from a backstage monitor and pretend that he owns the show. It could be fun.

Altogether, this wasn't too special. It wasn't horrendous either. What else was I going to do on Monday night? Although I'm sure Christian and Jericho found some happening Monday Night LI spots. Damn them. See you all later in the week. Be Well!