Well, there you have it. Shawn Michaels has a WWE book deal. Bret Hart has a WWE DVD deal. Vince wins. Vince wins. Vince wins. Speaking of wins, what will the winner of tonight's Smackdown-Raw battle need to do in order to be successful? Does Triple H have a message to send to the crazy old man he used to hang out with? If so, will he send it? If he does send it, which midcarder will look bad because of it? So many questions need to be answered tonight. They're not really interesting questions, but they're questions. So that's something, I guess. Sit back, kids and enjoy the larger-than-life stars while they're still "larger than life." (Buncha people are about to start shrinking, if you get my meaning.) Luckily for us, it's all gonna be televised. Where? USA. When? Right now! Why? Shut up with the questions already and just watch Raw...

Recap of Smackdown vs. Raw - not the video game, the actual Raw vs. Smackdown. Too bad. I actually enjoy the video game.

Raw Theme Plays. There it is, kids. Big Ben. Parliament.

Hello everyone! We are live in Sheffield, England! (JG Note: Big Ben. Parliament.) Little Joey, Horny Jerry, and Jilted Johnny all welcome me to Monday Night Raw..or, as they say in England, welcome me to Rubbish.

Team Raw heads to the ring. For those of you unfamiliar with Team Raw. They are Shawn Michaels, Chris Masters, Carlito, Big Show, and Kane. In case you think that sounds weird, don't worry. You're right. It does sound weird. Shawn Michaels and Chris Masters were just feuding five minutes ago. Now they're defending the honor of the weasley little General Manger that Shawn doesn't like anyway. OK. Sure. I gotcha. Right. The team makes it's way to the ring and John Coachamn says we've never seen a Survivor Series team like this one before. Why? Well, 'cause this team's captain has a $3,000 suit. (JG Note: Uh, didn't Ted DiBiase have a Survivor Series team? Wasn't he the Million Dollar Man? I mean, I know his suits were made out of the material they use for Slip and Slides, but it had to have been worth something, right? Right?)

Once all the former enemies are in the ring, Eric Bischoff oozes up the aisle and takes center stage among them. He looks dead into the camera and lays down the law to the Friday Night Brand. Smackdown may think they have what it takes to compete with Raw, but they don't. Oh no, no, no. Uncle Eric is going to take down that crew if they show their collective face tonight. During this segment, Bisch looks right into the camera while Carlito Cool stands behind him. The funny thing is that his head is perfectly situated in front of Carlito's. So Carl's crazy fro sticks out from all the sides of Bisch's head. It looks like he's spouting bushy branches from his scalp. Bischoff then turns our attention to Todd Grisham on the big screen. You see, Toddly is out in the parking lot with a microphone in hand to keep us up to date on whether or not the Team SD is on the premises.

Todd confirms that no one has arrived yet and it doesn't surprise Easy E. He knew there would be no issues arising from the Smackdowners tonight. Why? Well, because of Eric's team! Because of his soldiers! Uh oh. Them words don't fly with Big Show. Biggie grabs the mic from Bisch's slimy hand and says, well�he says this:

"First of all, Bischoff, we are your nothing."
- Big Show, 9:07pm

Uh, what? What's worse...the crowd cheered this line. Of course, there was brief pause while we all tried to figure out exactly what he meant. Funny. Big Nothing goes on to say that this isn't about Bischy. This is about proving themselves. Both he and Kane went to Smackdown to take out Batista. They did it to hurt him. The Bottom line is that Tista was in the wrong place at the wrong time. As soon as he said "time," I braced myself for Vader. No joke. I really thought he was going to come running out and ruin Thanksgiving for all of us. Instead of Big Van, we got Big Todd. The Grishmeister yells out that the dreaded Teddy Long Army has arrived. They're here! They're here! God help us! They're here!

John Bradshaw Layfield's Boss Hog limo is in the parking lot and Batista steps out. No one explains how JBL drove to England, but that's besides the point. After Tista emerged, he was followed out by Teddy Long, Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton, Bobby Lashley, and Bradshaw. (JG Note: Rey had on a little suit. It was adorable. I think he bought it at Build-a-Bear.) Deacon Dave grabs the microphone and challenges the Raw crew to come out to the parking lot and throw down. This sends the Monday Night World Order into a disarray. They all want to go out to the parking lot, but ATM Eric begs them not to. Go to the parking lot? You must be out of your mind, Jellyhead. You've really blown it. Luckily Shawn Michaels makes the decision for him. The Karate Kid leads his group from the ring into a parking lot brawl while Bischoff protests to deaf ears.

I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that this segment isn't very fun. There's no continuity anywhere at all here. They had finally given Masters a steady push and now they've undone it by standing him next to Shawn Michaels and not hitting him. Carlito is following HBK into war? JBL is letting Batista ride in his limo? Randy Orton is in the limo with them? Isn't he challenging for the World Title on Friday? My God, I have a headache. It's all stupid, no matter how you slice it. Even if they all have "brand pride," the explanation most are using to explain this, that doesn't mean they have to hang out with each other. You know what? I take that back. They can hang out with each other if they want. WWE can do this little skit. But if they do, don't have two of them scheduled to fight each other later on in the same week! I just don't get the way things are done around here sometimes. It's like they go to great lengths to achieve logic holes and continuity problems. Maybe that's the goal. Maybe WWE is like a big version of the prank reality program, the Joe Schmo Show and we're all the Schmos. It's starting to feel that way.

Where were we? Oh yeah. The brawl is on the horizon, but first you need to watch some commercials. Go on. Watch them. If you don't, you'll hurt Vince McMahon's feelings. You don't want to do that, do you? OK then. Now scoot.

Commercial Break. You know what I noticed? At no point in WWE's Toy commercial do they show a kid. They show hands playing with the figures, but never the body that the hand is attached to. I guess that's their loophole. "We don't market to children. We market to grown men who have little boy hands."

Outside the arena, all of Smackdown's stars are dressed to Johnny Ace's liking in dress clothes. JBL was wearing a pink button up shirt. (JG Note: Aw. I like Bradshaw's pink shirt. He looked so pretty. Pretty like a little girl. Awwww. Everyone look at the the little girl. Little girl in a pink shirt. Little girl in a pink shirt. Nyah. Nyah.) The Raw team stopped before confronting the Smackdown squad and had themselves a little pep talk. Seeing as how everyone is friends now, they decide to go for broke and attack the Blue and Silver bitches. It's all for Raw and Raw for all.

When the face to face confrontation goes down, it's a sissy slap from Batista that starts it all. He fruitily swats Big Show in the face and it's on. Chris Masters locks Rey Rey in the Masterlock while HBK and JBL battle with punches. During all this, a loud crash is heard. When the camera catches up to the noise, we see that it's Tista. The World Champion has been chokeslammed through a windshield. Oh my God! This is too far! Teddy Long calls for a medic as we go to commercial. This is crazy! Come on, guys. Brawling and Full Nelsons are one thing. A broken windshield - that's another. Where's the line? Huh? Where's the line?

Commercial Break. In his new DVD, Bret Hit Man Hart: The Best There Is, The Best There Was, The Best There Ever Will Be, Bret says he doesn't regret doing what he he did in Montreal to Vince McMahon. After all, if he didn't do it, Vince couldn't make money off of selling the story to you on DVD. See how that works?

Todd Grisham cannot believe what he just saw. Sorry. He's just not a very trusting person. He shows us the remains of the windshield following the World Champion's chokeslam at the hands of the New Skyscrapers. Batista has been taken to what Todd "can only assume" is a local medical facility. (JG Note: See. Told you he wasn't trusting.) Eric Bischoff then runs into the shot. You want a newsflash, Grishy? Huh? You never mess with Eric Bischoff! On that note, we go back to the arena and cue the music of someone who messed with Eric Bischoff. See the irony in how this show is laid out? People like to amuse themselves.

Whooo!

1. Ric Flair pinned Trevor Murdoch while holding the trunks for leverage

John Coachman says that Trevor Murdoch fits right in with the British because he's ugly. Yeah. He said that. Trevor was still wearing the red trunks. I'm still not a fan of the red trunks. Guys like him just don't wear bright colors. Use the Stan Hansen test. Would Stan wear it? Chaps - Yes. Mirrored Chaps - No. Black trunks - Yes. Red trunks - No. It's simple, really. It's a good thing that Trevor the Cable Guy wore the red trunks. It gave me something to talk about here. Otherwise, we were left with a fairly boring match that did nothing to help either man. If anything, it knocked Murdoch down a few pegs. So much for that push, Outlaw. The Nature Boy finishes off his foe with a handful of tights and no one really seems to care either way. Whoo.

Count Stephiepants Von Fuzzyface - Triple H to his friends - appears high above on the TitanTron. He tells Ric Flair that in anticipation of Sunday's match at the Survivor Series, he will be sending him a message about survival tonight. Aye aye, Count. We hear you loud and clear and we look forward to watching you do your fuzzyfaced assault.

Commercial Break. USA is going to be playing the movie Bruce Almighty three nights in a row. They claim that they're doing it to celebrate it's network premiere. Of course! What better way to celebrate than by making the world sick of it?

We join Tajiri versus Rob Conway already in progress. Why already in progress? Because it doesn't matter. You see before the action can get too intense...

A little girl comes to the ring! There's a little girl in a pink shirt and she's beating everyone up! Oh wait...that's Bradshaw. Sorry. My bad. The former Acolyte goes to town on both men and leaves them in pain while he takes the house mic from Lillian Garcia. John is upset about the evening. Layfield says "My World Champion, Batista (?!) is going to the hospital!" He challenges Chris Masters to a fight to settle this score. The audience has absolutely no idea who to cheer for. Can't blame them. Neither do I.

Bischoff asks John who he thinks he is to march in here and make demands. To this, Layfield responds, "I'm JBL and that's damn enough!' Uncle Eric ain't down with that, buddy. You're the dumbest man on this Earth to walk into Raw the way you have. How's about a match to knock some sense into you, Michael Wallstreet? How's about a match with Canada's Least Favorite Man...Shawn Michaels! The crowd still has no idea to react. There's some more trash talk and apathetic reactions from the audience as JBL takes his leave through the crowd. I can't really express how unhappy I am with how this entire conflict is being presented. There's no clear cut lines between the two teams as to who is good and who is bad. If they're going to make them all tweeners and have them interact with each other, at least play off past issues and tease tension. There's been nothing of substance to any of this. For such a long awaited feud (SD vs Raw), this really feels like a let down.

Last week, Shelton Benjamin and Kurt Angle went to the limit. Now, watch them go to the limit again. It's coming up...after the commercial break.

Commercial Break. Just tell your grandma that you forgot about your visit because you were too busy getting stoned. She'll understand... (if you give her some drugs.)

John Cena was on Mad TV. Wow. That show is still on? He says he likes to do things that aren't scripted. Oh, so that's the problem.

Mr. McMahon, we have an idea.

Hit me.

What do people like most?

Puppies? Cookie Dough? Sex?

The Emergency Broadcast System. The high pitched beeps. People love that! Let's put that in Kurt Angle's intro. The fans will love it! We'll make their marky little ears bleed!

2. Kurt Angle pinned Shelton Benjamin with Shawn Daivari as guest referee. Look. I don't like to swear, but that Kurt Angle censoring thing is the most annoying shit ever invented. It beeps every other second of his theme song. I can't express how much I hate it. The Benji-Man can't believe his eyes when he sees Daivari emerge from the curtain. He's here with a ref's shirt and looks forward to officiating the match. This can't be fair! This can't be fair! Well, life isn't fair, Shelly. Nah - ah. Muhammad Hassan's old running buddy obviously favors Your Olympic Hero, but doesn't do anything too blatantly biased....until the end. While locked in an anklelock, SB manages to roll up Kurt for the pin. Daivari counts three...but only after rolling Angle on top of the pin heap. Kurtis wins and the stupid beeping thing plays again.

Commercial Break. Gun is rated M for Mature. Sorry kiddies. No gun for you. You only use guns when you get older. When you do...they're a game! Whee! By the way, the new army game, Call of Duty, is rated T for Teen. Digest that.

We're back and Angle is explaining the reason why Daivari is here. From now on, he will be Angle's personal official. That's right. He will be ruling over all of Kurt's encounters as his permanent referee and that includes the World Title match with John Cena at Survivor Series. (JG Note: Hey, at least it's somewhat original.) What does this angry little man have in common with the bald Olympian? They're both persecuted Americans, that's what. Refvari screams in Farsi until DJ Jazzy John interrupts. Cena appears on the Titantron and teaches us all a new term:

"Kurt. Kurt! Kurt! Stop it, man. Pipe down! You're acting like freakin' ham sandwich!"
- John Cena, 9:59pm

Huh? A ham sandwich? What do you have against ham, John? Ham is good. With mustard or eggs or on a sandwich, ham is delicious. You can tear apart any minority you want, but ham is over the line, pal. What's wrong with a ham sandwich? What did it ever do to you besides make your belly full? Huh? That's just f**ked up, man. Just f**ked up.

Anyway, Hambone tells Angle that he's going to get some answers. The Doctor of Thuganomics is going to get some comments on Kurt Angle. His first stop is the Diva's locker room. For some reason, John turns into Jell-O around naked women and starts to nervously stutter as he's flashed by Candice Michelle. Wow. He's so cool. Eventually, he's thrown out by Victoria. The audience doesn't react at all to this. I don't know. There's something about his street gimmick that doesn't match with being a giddy dork around beautiful women. What's more, the young babyface World Champion was just tossed out of a locker room by a midcard Diva. I can't imagine how that looked good even on paper.

Dr. Thuggypants tries to make a joke but quickly shifts his attention to Gene Snitksy and Tyson Tomko. The duo are hanging out backstage and Gene is apparently rubbing Tyson's neck. We shouldn't be surprised because WWE has pretty much decided that every monster on the roster is gay. WWE- from "What the World is Watching" to "the Land of Gay Monsters." Hooray. John is, of course, flustered by this. As he leaves, Snitsky calls out that it wasn't his fault. It gets a laugh, both from the crowd and from me,

The third stop isn't the charm. The C-Man opens a closet where he finds the 40 year old Boogeyman. Boogie sings London Bridge while the Street Thug makes silly faces and looks around like a total tool. He closes the door, makes some more perplexed expressions, and then opens it again. Darth Maul finishes the song with "My fair lady" and then smashes an alarm clock on his head. Blah. To show his confusion, the WWE Champion makes a face that looks like he has constipation. No wonder he makes so many jokes about it. Maybe he suffers from it.

Finally Johnny admits that the WWE Superstar idea was "a right turn down bad idea street." (JG Note: No kidding, Champ.) However, there's plenty of fans to give their opinion. Let's see what these hooligans have to say. The C-Man runs into the crowd and takes a survey. He asks fans what they think of Kurt Angle.

Man #1: Sucks!

Woman #1: Sucks!

Grinning Weirdo #1: Sucks.

Kid with a Buzzcut: Hizut.

Kurt protests, but is drowned out by John. He asks the crowd to express their feelings for the Olympian. They're supposed to chant "You Suck," but it doens't really happen that way. The announcers and Angle pretend they do though. We all do. It makes things more fun. From all this, Cena surmises that K.A. still sucks!

A brawl ensues and the #1 Contender finds himself beaten down by the Titleholder. JC tosses the Anglenator from the ring and stands tall, challenging the Arab-American Connection to come get some. They don't, though. They just leave. They must not want some.

Still to come: HBK meets JBL. Someone call the ASPCA, AT&T, and the CIA. SRO signs went out early.

Commecial Break. Axe Body Spray - If you use it, a MILF will give you a bath.

Guess what?

3. Val Venis defeated Triple H via disqualification

Yup, yup. The Big Valbowksi beat the Game. He beat him. You read it right. Sure, he had to do it by DQ after Helmsley beat the snot out of him, but a win's a win. My favorite part of this match was that the announcers sold it as though Sean Morely was getting revenge for Viscera's beating last week. They're still a team? This match is for the honor of Mabel? Duh. It should be noted that Venis was wearing green trunks. For a second, I thought he was doing a leprachaun gimmick. Lucky for him, his character doesn't matter anymore or else it would create gimmick confusion. There's no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow for Cheif Morely. Count Stephiepants slams the ring bell across his head for the disqualification. Oh no! Someone ring the bell. Oh wait...he just did. Hi-yo!

Oh wait....I get it now. This was all part of Fuzzy's masterplan. This is the message that was being sent to Ric Flair. This is what the Game is all about. The Cerebral Assassin uses a steel chair to further make his point on Val. Instead of finding his Lucky Charms, Mr. V finds himself the victim of a vicious beating. After the chair attack, Hunter gives Lord Valium a wedgie and then hits the Pedigree. Despite the DQ loss, it's a moral victory for Terra Ryzin. If nothing else, he got to give another man a wedgie on TV. That's gotta give him some sort of satisfaction.

Backstage, a British official informs Eric Bischoff that Teddy Long is outside and demanding to see him. Bischoff thinks about it and informs the local man to send Teddy into his office. I would like to point out that this is the first time I've ever seen a British character on WWE TV who wasn't wearing the Union Jack on some article of his clothing.

Commercial Break. Let me see if I get this right. Undertaker is going to wrestle like five times a year or so. Every time he comes back after a few months, we're going to do one of these stupid back-from-the-dead things? It's getting less and less exciting each time. They should start mixing it up. Have him bring back Elvis with him next time. Something. Anything. Just stop selling the same thing every other pay show.

5. Candice Michelle pinned Mickie James

This match had nothing to do with the women involved. It was about the WWE Women's Champion, Trish Stratus. While standing at ringside in support of her stalker, Mickie James, Trish found herself jumped by two masked men. They carried her off and left Mickie alone to be attacked by Victoria and pinned by Candy. The crowd is so electified you could hear a pin drop.

Jerry Lawler goes off to "save" Trish Stratus. He leaves the announce table to find her. Personally, I think he's just looking to find her while she's still tied to a chair and most likely unconscious.

Shawn Michaels is plugging his book with Maria. Boy Toy talks some Bradshaw smack and pushes his autobiography. I know I made light of it in my Raw intro, but I support HBK's book. Here, Shawn. I'll post the link: The Book of Shawn Michaels . There you go, man. Hey. I have a book too . How's about you guys put a link on WWE.com? Huh? After all, I just did the link for you here. Come on. Give me the link, Shawn! God would want you to! I linked you! You owe me!

Commecial Break. You can get all six Star Wars collectible watches at Burger King. You can also get high cholesterol and a weight problem at Burger King. Yay. It's fun on so many levels.

6. Shawn Michaels vs JBL in a Lumberjack Match ended in a no-contest

I really hate when matches have a definite ending before they even begin. Any Lumberjack match that involves the wrestlers bringing their own lumberjacks falls into that category. I mean, they can be biased towards certain people, but for the enforcers to accompany certain particpants to the match just smacks of screwjob finish. Making matters worse, continuously having gimmick matches that end without clear decisions, WWE is sending the message that even these big events won't settle things once and for all. Specialty matches need to be protected, no different than you would a character. They need to be special and final. There shouldn't be non-finishes for matches like this. There should always be a winner and a loser - clean or otherwise. Regardless of the finish, someone's hand should be held up in order to solidify the importance of the contest. This match was weird in the sense that the audience still had no idea who to cheer. Shawn Michaels was the crowd favorite, but he had Carlito and Chris Masters in his corner. JBL is the evil heel, but he's defending Batista's honor, alongside Rey Mysterio! What a confusing, forced angle. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like to pay money for shows that are sold on the basis of confusing, forced angles. Do you? The match itself was OK, but based on an illogical foundation. The crowd seemed unenthused for the most part until the end.

Brashaw missed the Clothesline from Hell and Shawn Michaels hit him with the Sweet Chin Music. Rather than allow the certain loss, Randy Orton rushed in and landed an RKO on Shawn. The two teams rushed the ring and Randall again hit his RKO, this time on Carlito. A brawl erupted and Rey Mysterio headscissored Chris Masters over the ropes to the floor. In the ring, Big Show smacked Orton with a shoulderblock while Kane clotheslined Blaster Lashley. Rey got back to his feet and launched himself off the top rope into the ring. The Big Red Machine caught him by the throat and hit a chokeslam. Lashley took down Big Red, but his advantage didn't last long. Team Kane Show hit him with a double chokeslamed until his savior came.

Dave Batista arrived, wrapped in masking tape and carrying a pipe. He slammed Dr. Yankum across the head with it and then hit Show with a Spinebuster. Music played and Tista celebrated the beating. John Coachman asks who would have thought that Batista would be the last man standing in the ring at the end of the night. To be honest, Coach, it never crossed my mind. I genuinely didn't care enough to ponder anything about this show. Actually, I'm still figuring out who to cheer for. I'm perplexed as we fade to black.

All in all... I pretty much said it all above. This show was mired in confusion as each wrestler was ripped from his character's situation and placed alongside former enemies to take on a common foe. It doesn't make much sense and the interaction between all the teams really detracts from any effort they've put into building these characters.

Chris Masters and Carlito look particularly bad in all this. Masters should not be side by side with HBK. Carly shouldn't be inspired by Shawn's pep talks.

On the flip side, Randy Orton should not be in a limo with Batista when he's supposed to fight him for the World Title on Friday. Where's this kid's priorities? You can ride in the limo with him, Randy. Just slam him in the head with a champagne bottle when he's not looking.

I don't know. Raw was messy tonight. You can chalk it up to whatever you want, but there were some easily correctable mistakes tonight and WWE chose to ignore them. With a pay-per-view on Sunday, that's not a smart move.

Speaking of Sunday, we'll have live match by match coverage of Survivor Series right here on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com. Stay tuned and check back throughout the week for more features. Until then, be well and thanks for sharing my insanity.