Looking for the Raw Intro?  Well, turn up your speakers and...

Click Here For The Ghetto Vince Rap

It's in honor of Big Mac's street talk last night (where he used the "n" word in a hip-hop slang sense) -  it's Ghetto Vince's Rap.  Be warned, it contains foul language and might not be safe for work.  So, if you have a problem with that type of stuff, please don't click the link.  Simply scroll down and read the f**kin' Raw report instead.

Whoops.  Sorry about that.

So, did you see Suvivor Series?  If you did, I'm sorry.  I did too, so we're in the same sad boat.  Let's see how the boys from Connecticut bounce back from last night's painful memory.  Let's take a gander shall we?  What's the homeboy Mac Daddy gots served up for us to nibble on?  Will the shizzle be hot and fresh or fizzle like jizzle on your chizzle, bizzle?  There's only one way to find out.   Read on...bee-yotch!

***


Welcome to another edition of Monday Night Raw.  Here's Joey Styles along with John Coachman along with Jerry Lawler along with Bob McGhee along with Mr. Whipple along with Alf along with Santa and two gerbils.  We're all standing by live for another fun filled night of whatever.

With the start of Raw, we get Eric Bischoff.  Uncle Eric is less than happy about last night's loss to the Smackdown team at Survivor Series.  Team SD took out the Monday Night Crew and it was not fun at all for Eric.  Not only that, but Mr. Bischoff dropped a match to the Smackdown figurehead, Teddy Long.  In a nutshell, last night sucked for Raw.  Now it's going to suck for Raw's wrestlers.  Easy E demands that every contracted superstar come to the ring this instant so as that they can get their punishment from their General Manger.

No one arrives.

Just as the GM is ready to flip his lid, his worst fears are realized.  Lord Funny Walk is in the arena and he's not in a good mood.



Vince McMahon is here and he tells Bischoff that he shouldn't be expecting anyone to come to the ring.  Big Mac told em all to stay in the back.  They're not getting fired.  No.  It's not their fault that Raw blows chunks.  It's Eric's fault!  (JG Note:  Technically, it's Vince's fault, but hey.  I'll play along)  The issues here are simple, EB.  You haven't made or achieved any goals.  That's the problem!  Huh?  Yeah.  You were supposed to accomplish three goals last night.  You didn't do any of those things.  Team Raw lost.  You, Eric Bischoff, lost.  Then John Cena retained the WWE Title.  Three unsuccessful attempts to attain your goals in one night.  Wow, sucko.  You sure suck, huh?   You sure are the suckiest suck that ever did suck.  Good going, Suckface.  VKM calls Eric a "failure."  He admits that Bischy has had some success at times.  In fact, Vince makes my jaw drop by actually saying that Bischoff had a "couple of month run at WCW until you ruined that, burned that to the ground."   Couple of months?  Wow.  Amazing.

At this point, Vinnie Mac starts to make his voice gravely and Bischoff responds with groveling.  The incensed owner tells his servant to "shut up" and adds, "your record sucks!"  From there, the Ego Tripper lays down the law to his GM.  He tells Bischy that it's his failures which are  making people perceive Monday Night Raw, and in turn Vince, to be a failure.  That's right.  It's Eric's fault.  Didn't you know?   The former owner of the XFL tells Bischy that he's many things, "but not a failure." So to correct that, Eric the Patsy is told to think of a goal and achieve it.   The former manufacturer of IcoPro and owner of the WBF tells his failing GM to get on his feet or find himself fired!

Enough is enough for Uncle Eric, who grows a set for all of three seconds.  He tells the Mac Man that he might be able to fire him, but he won't be able to replace him.  Hell, Smackdown has been a revolving GM door.  Raw has been in Eric Bischoff's hands since day one.  Who you gonna swap him out with?  Huh?  Who is fit to replace the great Bischinni - Lord of the Dance?  Tell me!  Who?!

Shane dances …funeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..(cha ching)…..Yes he does….Shane dances funny….funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny….dolla bill, ya'll…

If you didn't expect a McMahon offspring to run out, you weren't paying attention for these last few years.  Shane McMahon arrives and he's aged about 40 years since 2003.  His chin hangs low and he's got the Paulie Walnuts thing going on with his hair.  The highlight of his spastic dancing entrance is that he almost slipped and fell when he got in the ring.  That was awesome.  He did get a nice pop though.

Shane-o then gave his dad a huge hug and the two of them both glared at Eric Bischoff.  Shane explained that he never wanted him here.  In fact, he never really liked Eric at all and can't wait to see him go.  As far as whether or not Bischoff can be replaced, Shane replies that he can be.  By who?  Well, by Shane of course.  He follows this up by saying, "I was born to do this job!"  Then the music hits.  No one is cheering anymore.  I guess they thought the kicker line was going to be "I was born to do this job."  No such luck.  People don't usually cheer nepotism. What's worse is that Shane-o Mac got a nice response from the crowd when he first came out.  The fact that they were silent less than two minutes later when the segment ended speaks volumes for how WWE can immediately make anything seem tedious and overdone, no matter how interesting the concept appears to be at first glance.

Coming up:  Shawn Michaels meets Carlito.  Jerry Lawler tells us all to "fasten your seatbelts."  Listen to Jerry.  You better buckle your seat belts or else Ric Flair is gonna punch you in the face!

Commercial Break.  Now, if you redeem your Coin Star coin for an Amazon gift certificate instead of cash, Coin Star will give you all the money that you just cashed in without taking out their service fee!  Do you hear that?  Coin Star will let you keep all the money that you just put into their machine!  Oh thank you, Coin Star!

As Shawn Michaels came to the ring, the show went off with "technical difficulties."  Here's the funny thing.  Guess who's picture was on the "We're Experiencing Technical Difficulties" page.  That's right - Triple H.  Now before you hit me with "Oh, that's probably because it's an old graphic from when he was champion.  How often can they update those things?"  Normally, I'd agree...except that it said "USA" on it.  You know, USA - the station they went back to on October 3rd.

1. Shawn Michaels pinned Carlito after Sweet Chin Music

I couldn't get into this match at first, but it really built up and played out well.  The concept was that HBK was fighting to defend his injured leg.  With Carlito spending most of the match on offense, he had time to work on the Boy Toy's injured limb and even succeed in saving himself from a Superkick.  Michaels reared back to hit him with it, but had to stop half way when he couldn't fully extend his leg.  Carl tried to capitalize, but it was all for not.  He got a few two counts, but Shawn eventually nailed Coolio with a kick that connected and score the win.  Personally, I would have given the win to Carly in this instance.  It just seemed to make more sense.  Whatever, though.  The match was good.  Triple C seemed stunned by the loss while the Midnight Rocker rolled around in the ring in pain.  Hey…wait a minute!  Isn't that the knee that Hercules and Roma bashed with the chain?  Oh no!  Medic!  Medic!  Shawn needs help!  It's his "Power and Glory" knee!

Maria is backstage in the Leather Couch room and she has a bubbly little question for Eric Bischoff.  She bounces up and down asks him if he thinks he'll be fired tonight.  Bisch doesn't respond to her.  Instead, he asks who sent her .  She says that it was Shane McMahon that made her do it.  He thought it would be a good idea to have her ask that.  Angered, Uncle Eric tells Diah-maria (JG Note:  Hey Cena….you can use that) to go to the ring where she'll face…Kurt Angle!  Why?  Well, the Bisch never wants to hear her ask a stupid question again.  That's why.  Also, he likes to watch frail women get beat up by bald men.  Let's be honest, though.  Who doesn't?

Commercial Break.  It doesn’t get any "bigger or better than Monday Night Raw."  I swear that commercial must have fine print that says "just kidding."

Maria is in the ring and we're all set for our next match.  However, even though we have a referee in the ring - one Chad Patton - that doesn't stop Daivari from showing up.

Reminiscent of the night that Danny Davis came to the ring and got into a scuffle with Joey Morella and then Tito Santana, Daivari arrives to stop Patton from doing his job.  The two argue and then - suddenly and without warning - Chad punches Dai in the face.  This staggers the Angleref.  He offers to leave and CP appears pleased that his inexplicable and frightening violent outburst has sent the UPN reject running.

Not so fast, dummy.  Apparently Chad Patton hasn't watched any wrestling ever because as soon as he turned his back, Khrosow went to town on him.  Daivari planted a number of kicks into the referee's back while Miss Maria looked on in horror.  As soon as Chadly  was down and out, Kurt Angle's music hit.

Out comes Angle and that annoying censoring thing started up again.  God I hate it.  It never ceases to amaze me the lengths that WWE will go to in order to annoy their audience.  After the beeps die out, Kurtis enters the ring and says that all this was Bischoff's demented idea.  Relax, Maria.  Sir Angle is a gentleman…which means he doesn't fight women. (JG Note:  Besides Sharmell, I suppose.)  He says that all he wants is a hug and all will be forgotten.  Come on, Mary.  Give the deranged Olympian a hug.

Duh.

As soon as she hugs him, Daivari calls for the bell and Kurt slams Maria…with an Angleslam.  (JG Note:  Don't want to go starting no rumors.)  John Cena comes to her rescue and knocks the He-Man Woman Hater from the ring.  Kurt reels, but Chris Masters arrives.  He locks the Masterlock on the WWE Champion and allows the Olympian to get some shots in of his own.  The duo double team the Doctor of Thuganomics until Eric Bischoff arrives on the ramp with a  microphone in hand.

The General Manger is here because he's made a decision.  Mr. McMahon wants Bischoff to have goals, huh?  Well, Eric's goal is to see John Cena tap out and lose the WWE Title.  Yeah.  So tonight, Johnny C will defend his Title against Kurt Angle and Chris Masters in a no-DQ, no-Countout, Triple Threat, Submission Match!  Just to seal the deal, Kurt nails the Champion with an Angleslam.  As we go to break, the announcers talk about how they've never seen John do a submission move.  Oh come on, guys.  Out of seven moves, I'm sure one of them is a submission move.