For the past six weeks, I have been locked in a stuffy, smoke filled room for two hours each Monday Night at 9 PM. Tonight, someone cracked the door. They gave me a breath. A breath not only of fresh air, but also of logic. Yes, it was melodramatic (as our industry has been for the past few decades). It was a bid tedious at times (very few shows are constantly entertaining). But above everything else, it was logical. For the past few weeks I have come down on this show for it’s over the top style of booking to it’s condescending view of what we, it’s fans, see as entertainment. Tonight was the first sign that they may be correcting at least one of the show’s problems. Yes, just one – but it’s a start.

Today’s show opening is brought to you by the letters Easy E and F-View. We immediately begin with a backstage shot of the resident Ted Kennedy of professional wrestling, Eric Bischoff. It’s quite ironic considering that this week’s Raw takes place in Beantown. Like a young boy unfolding a homeroom note from that cute girl, Eric plays the videotape of his lip-lock with Stephanie McMahon last Thursday. The Bisch watches longingly as we witness the “Hook-Up Heard ‘Round the World”. Following the viewing, he stumbles over to a nearby mirror, slouches down, and looks at his own reflection. Do I smell a  face turn? Do I smell inter-promotional story lines? Do I smell vodka on Eric’s breath?

Raw theme plays – I dance on my coffee table.

Cut to the arena and into the dressing room as The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels is making his way up the hallway. He stops at WWE’s resident designer, Jan. Shawn is thrilled to see his new T-shirt. The front says “HBK”. The back says, “Don’t Hunt What You Can’t Kill”. This is better than the original slogan “If Enough People Buy This Shirt I Will Continue To Make Comebacks”. Jerry Lawler finally makes Jim Ross hush up in time for the skit to end. Point: Shawn Michaels is here…and he wants you to buy this shirt.

1. Three Minute Warning defeated Jeff Hardy and Bubba Dudley when Jamal pinned Jeff  Uh, Three Minute Warning? I was ok with this when it was like a “Cerebral Assassin” type nickname. But to actually name a tag team “The Three Minute Warning” is just weak. The three-minute attack angle was just used as their introduction, it’s not the type of thing you’d like to base your entire careers on. Oh well, they could have it worse – they could be Bubba and Jeff. Want to play a game? Ready? Jeff is teaming with Bubba. D-Von is teaming with Faaroq. Bradshaw is injured and Matt Hardy is doing well. So it’s one out of five. Tell me the benefits of the roster split again? Match quality was good with the crowd really into it. The chants went from “We Want Tables” to “Rico Sucks”. I tell you, the thing about crowds this hot – they either blow the roof off the building by the main event or they die out after the first thirty minutes. I wonder which we have here (JG Note: Stay tuned for the answer to this and other questions!). Jeff “I’m the one that pours paint on myself” Hardy lands an amazing leap over the top rope to the MinuteMen and Rico. Rico regains composure, takes advantage of a distracted referee and enters the ring. He prepares to kick Bubba Ray and has his feet pulled out from under him by Spike Dudley. Spike, gaining revenge for his attack at the hands of the Warning and the Rico, hits a Dudley Dog on Mr. Rico. He is then decimated by Rosey. Going through the tag team motions – The Wassup, Jeff – Get the tables, Road Dogg impression, Poetry in Motion, Swanton Bomb…miss! Jamal hits a Samoan drop on Jeff and gets the win. Good match. Rosey and Jamal – great team, bad name. Jeff and Bubba for Christmas this year, ask Santa for a viable competition to WWE – your careers are on autopilot.

I like to call this next segment: “Please Victoria, stop talking.” Vicki and Ivory are seen backstage. It seems that the going rate for Big Shows these days are Tough Enough trainers, because the Soap lady herself has come to Raw in the now famous “Big Show Trade”. (JG Note: It’s not famous or really that big of a deal, but I made it sound that way, no? Why couldn’t the writers do that?) Ivory is preparing for her match against Trish as Vicki plays the nut case gimmick to a tee. She wants to bruise Trish. She wants to hurt her. She wants to make her listen to her promos. That evil woman!

Trish loosens up backstage and prepares for her match. I loosen up and prepare for this….

Commercial Break. The Wiz right near me just went out of business and sold all their merchandise for like 70% off. There is a commercial for “The New Wiz”. This Wiz looks all nice and clean. The sales people are helpful and courteous. When the one by my house went out of business, it looked like Beirut.

WWE Raw is brought to you by X-Pac. X-Pac?! What? Oh…X-Box.

2. Women’s Champion Trish Stratus pinned Ivory to retain the title.  It was good to see Ivory on television again. I have to say that in this business, very few women wrestlers have made the type of career she has. Very stiff looking match. Victoria came down to ringside and took a seat at the announce table. Immediately I dread that she’s going to call the match. She puts a headset on and then refuses to speak. Ross and Lawler play the vaudeville act of trying to figure out if her headset is on, but like most of us have learned to do by now, she is totally tuning out the two of them. The match goes on and ends with a rushed looking bulldog victory for Miss Trish.

Still to come, Chris Jericho, one half of the Tag Champs, teams with someone besides his partner for no apparent reason, Triple H, the World Champion, to meet Booker T and Katie Vick’s designated driver, Kane.

Camera brings us back to Stratus making her way up the ramp. Victoria stands up and tosses down her headset. She rears back and throws her water bottle at Trish (JG Note: She doesn’t throw like a girl. In fact, she throws pretty damn good). Stratus charges and the King attempts to stop the crazy Vic from attacking. Victoria punches the King, which he enjoys. (JG Note: Ralphie – the Sopranos…if you saw it this week – you get the joke) The two roll around the ramp as the refs break them up. This was done well and for the most part is the largest scale angle I’ve seen involving the women’s division in a very long time. This could have potential. Oh yes…you’re answer….this is when the Fleet Center fell asleep for the night.

Commercial Break. I will give you $100 if you show me a taco bell taco with the same piece of steak they showed in the commercial.

We’re back…in time. It’s a recap of the brawl between Trish and Victoria. We get a glimpse of some New England Patriots before taking a header into the locker room. Don’t like it? Well…

F –View. Terri is seen getting a soda when “Chyna-lite” Victoria comes tearing in like Eric Bischoff at Dunkin Donuts. Terri makes small talk with the Devil Woman and asks her for an interview. At this point, Victoria does what all you women know you do when another woman annoys you. She ripped her clothes off. OK, I didn’t say the entire show was logical. In fact….

RNN Breaking News. It’s Randy Orton with the shoulder injury report. Fact 1 – Randy Orton will get over big time with these vignettes. Fact 2 – This shoulder injury is a good thing for his career right now. Fact 3 – He looks like the oldest Hanson kid. Good stuff from Randy. It’s the basic Kurt Angle ‘I’m your hero and so clueless’ promo. It’s delivered well. Tell you this much, better than his dad’s pink cowboy hat (remember that?).

Eric Bischoff is backstage with the crewmember responsible for taping Eric’s video screening at the show’s opening. Eric chews him out and then fires him (JG Note: This is the first time he did not fire someone through Fed Ex). Exit nameless extra – enter The Game and The Flair. Ric and Hunter come in and sit with Puffy. Immediately I marvel that Eric Bischoff is the most entertaining one out of the three of them. Hunter is upset. He claims that Shawn Michaels is stalking him and he feels unsafe in the locker room. Not only that, but Ric Flair can’t take his naps and drink his prune juice. I’m just kidding – he can nap. But the real question according Mr. Helmsley is “Why is Eric booking the Elimination Match for the World Title at Survivor Series?”. Could it be that someone influences him? Could it be because of this tape? Ric…Whooooo…press play.

Once again, we watch Eric make out with the boss’ daughter. We witness Eric watching it with Hunter. It’s very awkward. So very very awkward. Things would never work out between the two of them. For starters, Stephanie is 26 years old and Eric is Satan. Bischy heats up as the tape is played. Hunter questions which one of the two of them is sicker: Hunter for dressing up as Kane and getting it on with a mannequin or Eric for getting it on with Stephanie (JG Note: Uh…I guess A – Hunter). Eric has a girlfriend….Eric has a girlfriend. Of course by ‘girlfriend’ I mean ‘look of sad lonely resentment and defeat in his eyes”. Me? I have a ….

Commercial Break. New James Bond Film “Die Another Day”. Tears, violence, car crashes – and that’s just Haley Barry.

3. Lance Storm and William Regal beat Tommy Dreamer and Al Snow when Storm pinned Dreamer  Lance Storm cuts a promo on Election Day that is cut short by a promo for Scotty Steiner. I hear him. I holler. The music hits and the immediate feeling is that Steiner is debuting right now. But, no. Instead we are treated to a teaser. JR and the King tease where Scott will end up and hype Hulk Hogan’s upcoming book (JG Note: Chapter One – the Day That I Invented Wrestling). Good back and forth match. Dreamer is back to the proverbial drawing board as it relates to his position on this show. Finish saw Tommy hit a DVD on Storm only to be stomped by Regal and rolled up for the pin. Nothing really advanced here. But, it’s time killed – and I think that was the idea.

Shawn Michaels is getting coffee and chatting it up with a crewmember whom is still employed. Michaels asks if he has seen HHH. While prominently displaying the new “HBK” shirt (soon to be available at WWE SHOPZONE!), he walks off. Exit Shawn and enter Dave Batista. He’s big, he’s tattooed, and he’s next. But next for me? You know by now. It must be the…

Commercial Break. You know what I think Twix puts in the mix? Castol GTX.

Test is seen brushing his long blonde hair as the long legged Stacey Kiebler approaches him. Kiebs has a box full of letters praising the selection of “Testicles” as the name for his fans. She reads some of the letters (JG Note: Let me skip most of this as it’s ‘testicle’ jokes. That’s it – a lot of testicle jokes. It wasn’t really a bad skit – it’s just that…how many different ways can you review ‘testicle’ jokes?). Well, that was phase one. Tonight, Stacey takes Test to the next level. The Testicle Leader protests as he raises doubts about Stacey’s new marketing plan. With a whisper in his ear, it’s a done deal. Test takes a seat and the shears come out. Test is getting a haircut. This is either a rib on us for thinking that he didn’t want to get his haircut or the price he must pay for this push. Either way, shave it off. Well, Andrew – it’s aboot time.

4. Dave Batista defeated Justin Credible following a powerbomb Wait…that’s not just a squash match! That’s not just a jobber. That’s not just a guy to put Batista over. That’s Justin Credible! Oh Justin….it’s like PJ Walker all over again only now with a cooler name. If I had to describe this match in a word – messy. Sad too, I was looking forward to Batista’s debut. I’m not the type of guy to comment on wrestlers work in the ring, but something was off in this one. It was a problem with both timing and crowd reaction. It did Dave no favors that he was put in front of a half-dead crowd with an opponent that has gotten about as much air time as I have. Sloppy match with Dave hitting the powerbomb for the win. Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen. I still see big things for Dave.

HHH and Ric Flair are walking backstage. Hunter is on his way to the ring to call out Shawn Michaels. Maybe he’ll buy one of those snazzy new shirts – “Don’t Hunt What You Can’t Kill”. So profound…but I digress. For thou must vieweth the….

Commercial Break. Subway - eat fresh, as opposed to eating rotten.

It’s all about the blah blah blah…

Hunter comes barreling down to the ring. He must mean business because he left the dress clothes home tonight. He is ready for business and calls out Shawn Michaels. You see, Shawn’s body can’t handle the “Elimination Chamber”. If Shawn gets in the ring at Survivor Series, there won’t be a next time (JG Note: My girlfriend’s line of the night “I thought after last time there wasn’t supposed to be a next time”. – How can you argue with that?). HHH vows to end Shawn’s career, blah blah. It’s very much like the classic unreleased Nirvana track “Verse Chorus Verse”. Kurt Cobain wrote a song that was based on the no-frills building blocks of music – Verse Chorus Verse. He even named the song after it. It was a take off on how simple the set up was for it. This entire promo was “Verse Chorus Verse”. The opening threats by Hunter were mundane and predictable as much of what comes out of his mouth. It becomes apparent that HBK is not coming out…instead we cue the Chorus – or as we would say….

Sucka!!! Booker T comes out to the ring and begins to make his way up the ramp. He questions the priorities of the Champion, overlooking his other challengers in the Chamber. After all, Booker is a five time (JG Note: Repeat five times five times). That doesn’t impress Hunter as he points out that Book can’t hold his “jock”. This is a pretty sad statement for BT considering that a dead body held it two weeks ago. Books enters the ring and tells Hunter that he is sick of him and the fact that he’s champion (JG Note: Booker is in our club). Hunter reminds T of “Who the hell (he is)”. Booker responds with a catch phrase that’s been awaiting Trips since 2000 – “Don’t hate the Player – Hate the Game! Sucka!!!!”. Countdown! Countdown to the next verse….What do you get when you cross a billy goat gruff and the drummer from a bad Judas Priest cover band?

Chris Jericho, the King of the World, enters the fray and continues this basic back and forth exchange. His pretty sparkly pink satin outfit shines as he sways down the aisle. He belittles Booker’s catch phrase – claiming to not be a “sucka”. Cheese-fest as Jericho makes his way to the ring and reminds us that he will put his differences with Hunter aside to face Booker and Kane tonight. He also counteracts the popularity of the BT “Spinarooney” with a dance he calls the “Jericho Juke Jive” (JG Note: I’m guessing here – I don’t really know what he said. I don’t think he knows what he said). This was all a ploy to distract Booker from the fact that he was coming to the ring to join HHH in a double team attack. Oh…how he fooled him…might as well finish it out with the last step of “In Ring Promo 101”. The save from…

Kane. The Big Red Necrophiliac cleans house and saves his partner for the evening from further punishment. Jericho and Hunter take refuge. I take a deep breath and a swig of Mountain Dew Code Red and review the…

Commercial Break. Tell Tobacco Companies “You’re Not For Sale”. But buy all the other crap in the commercial break. Just no cigarettes.

We’re back and Stacey has some words of encouragement for an off camera and apparently short haired Test.

Stand Back….there’s a Hurricane coming through! Shane Helms makes his way to the ring and shows once again the ineptness of the Raw staff to yo-yo him each week. One week he’s a part of the main story line with Kane – the next week he’s being force-fed to the clean cut Test. Next week, they’ll make him sell popcorn.

5. Test defeated Hurricane following a “Roll of the Dice”  Andrew has short hair. It was weird. He definitely needed something different and this might be it. It was once said to me that the only people with hair like that was “rock stars and wrestlers”. It’s true. Hopefully this will be the final step in Test’s big move up the card. It was slow road, but ultimately may be one of the few things to come out of Raw. Between the steady improvement in his match quality, to his new found confidence in promos, to the natural teaming with Stacey, Test could finally go all the way. Good ringwork…did you expect Hurricane to win this? Helms gets caught trying to hit a flying body press. Test gives him the finishing move of ex-WCW sensation Reno “The Roll of the Dice” and gets the victory. This is it, Test – let’s see what you got…

Oh, this is what he’s got. After the match, a kiss from Kiebler convinces the big Canadian to deliver the catch phrase “I love my Testicles”. I can see the T-shirts now. Be prepared to defend this to your non-wrestling fan friends. Jim Ross hypes a video explaining or showing the “Elimination Chamber”.

The video airs and I know less about the Chamber than I did at the beginning. Nothing is shown of it – it’s just a Survivor Series commercial. Jim Ross is a big liar.

Commercial Break. Lugz…boots and shoes with attitude – commercials with no point.

We are shown a video for Saliva’s “King of the World” video for Chris Jericho or as fans in Canada call it: “What TSN will put on when censoring offensive parts of Raw”.

Jericho and Christian are backstage discussing questions that have plagued great minds for centuries. Questions like “Is Chris Jericho a sucka?” and “If Christian defeats RVD, will Eric put him in the Elimination Chamber instead?”. The mere thought of it creates friction between the Canadian duo. Jericho become fed up and leaves the room. Like Madeline Toogood, Jericho is caught on tape. He’s caught on the…

F-View. Hunter and Flair confront Y2J+2 in the hallway. They commend Chris on his video. However, Flair and Hunter are there to warn him (JG Note: Hunter – ‘Humping a dummy on TV does not equal ratings’. Flair – ‘Retire before you turn 80’.) It seems as though Shawn Michaels is on the prowl and with Jericho teaming with HHH and all, he should be careful. Chris scoffs at the idea and refers to Michaels as the “Has Been Kid”. Wouldn’t you know it, though…Shawn heard the whole thing. We see him listening as the cameras cut away. You want that shirt…come on…you know you do…

Commercial Break. “Spiderman” – available on DVD. “Mr. Nanny” – available at the 99 Cent Store.

ONE OF A KIND!!!

6. Rob Van Dam defeated Christian following a Frog Splash  OK, let’s do this. We’ll give RVD about seven minutes of air time each week. If he’s still getting huge pops by Survivor Series, we’ll shoot him. Survivor Series, brought to you by X-Pac. Christian continued to wear those purdy little fruit tights. Good match and pretty much what you would expect out of these two. Although I still can’t understand the point of having the tag champs do singles programs. Finish saw RVD springboard up to the top buckle and hit Christian with a kick to the face. Christian dropped and was hit with the frog splash. I am glad to see Van Dam getting put over some substantial talent, but I still feel he has been built up as something less of a viable champion. His ability is there, his charisma is there, but the company has not done enough to support him. That’s just my opinion….

Commercial Break. Booker T does a commercial for “Hungry Man XXL”. By the time they’re done making these meals bigger, it’ll be “Hungry Man – a whole 16 pounds of food men love!”

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s now time for the first Harvard Graduate to have lost Tough Enough. Chris Nowinski comes down to the ring and cuts a promo on Boston. He claims that the town is “stupid” and has gone down since he left. I begin to question the corny delivery before he delivers this gem: “(Boston’s) brain power couldn’t generate enough heat to melt Ted Williams frozen corpse” (JG Note: Or as HHH calls it…fresh meat ;). Nowinski claims that Williams, Larry Byrd and Nomar Garciapara are not great men. He points to men like himself, Shakespeare, and Einstein as examples of great men. He is stopped before naming other great men (JG Note: Me?) by Al Snow. Snow comes down the ramp and receives a verbal lashing at the hands of Chris. During this, Maven enters the ring and takes a position behind Nowinski. Al tells Chris to turn around and he does – only to be pounced on by his former Tough Enough castmate. Chris runs off and Maven basks in the glory of his return. Looks good…glad to have you back Maven. You won’t believe what you missed! Well, there was this dead body….

Kane and Goldust are backstage. Kane wants to be left alone. It seems as though ever since Kane learned to talk, everyone wants to chat with him. Dust knows the problem. Kane needs to breathe. Goldustin attempts to teach the Big Red Machine how to do the trademark “Goldust Inhale” but is stopped when Kane chokes him. Booker enters the room (JG Note: Just in time – he was going to kill him and rape him). He understands Kane’s anger and questions the validity of a claim that someone would have sex with a dead body. He wonders aloud who would do such a thing. Goldust raises his hand and explains that he “was young”. Funny stuff. Kane tells Booker that he digs that and delivers a trademark Booker T “Sucka!!!!’.

Michaels walks by HHH’s dressing room. He stops as though he’s going to knock on the door but he thinks better of it. If he knocks now, we’d have no reason to watch the main event…thus no reason to endure the…

Commercial Break. WWE Anthology commercial opens with a shot of the Ultimate Warrior and a clip of his theme song. Too bad he doesn’t watch anymore – that’s a shame. It’s not a shame that he doesn’t wrestle anymore – that’s a blessing.

7. Booker T and Kane defeated Triple H and Chris Jericho when Booker pinned Hunter after a Shawn Michaels superkick  By the time this match came around the crowd had taken a large dose of valium and Nyquil. I hope no one sees this as a reflection of the show, as it was a stark improvement from recent weeks. I did get the feeling that the main event was the least anticipated portion of the show with no real rhyme or reason to it. It seemed as though this match was a filler match in order to put some big names on top and set up the HBK finale of the show. Would it have killed someone to add a stipulation here? Maybe something surrounding the Chamber or someone’s positioning in it? Oh well, there was no corpses – so I’ll consider myself lucky and move on. It was a very non-descript match that followed the show long “Verse Chorus Verse” format. One point, Book cleaned house and gave us the Spinaroony. He then hit a scissors kick on the Game and made the cover. Jericho broke the count at two and slapped on the “Walls of Jericho”. Kane broke up the hold with a flying clothesline and chased Chris to the outside. Inside the ring, Hunter hooked Booker into the Pedigree position until Shawn Michaels ran to the ring and hit HHH with a superkick. Booker rolled on top of the Game for the victory. Booker beats Hunter? Not a good sign kids…

Michaels sachets up the ramp and addresses the Boston fans. He explains that it’s been four years since he’s been to Madison Square Garden. How can he turn down the offer to be in the main event at Survivor Series? Well, he can’t. Shawn is in. He guarantees that he will walk out of the Garden with the WWE title. So it’s set, Elimination Chamber will be a 6-person match for the belt: HHH, Booker, Kane, Jericho, RVD, and HBK. Shawn shows off the shirt once more and the camera fades out as Michaels does the hip gyration dance of the devil.

All in All… Not a bad show. However, it’s also being compared to some of the worst shows in the history of this program. It’s for that reason that I can’t bring myself to give it glowing reviews. I will say this: It’s on the right track. For the first time in a long while, I was able to sit through this show without questioning my sanity. The only negative to this episode was that it came off mostly like filler, however in a rebuilding period for any franchise that is usually the case. I hope that we can expect continued steps forward and I do look forward to the Survivor Series. Now, as Chris Benoit says “Prove me wrong!” I hope they don’t….but they probably will. OK kids, go to bed. It’s late, Raw’s over, and those 1 AM Nitro replays haven’t been on since 2000. Be Well!