Well, there you have it. You're not the only one online. It's a big night for Raw and we have plenty of questions. Most importantly, who the hell considers Pro Wrestling Illustrated Magazine as an attempt to trick fans into thinking it's kayfabed stories and wrestling in general are both real? Sadly, a fellow writer at the Torch does. I didn't even realize this until I read it in the Torch newsletter myself. Why? Because whether his issues with me are right or wrong, he has never, in the past five months that I've written for PWI, expressed them to me privately. Instead, it just popped up in print one day. It's par for the course. I have nothing more to say about it. If I wanted to deal with dinosaurs, I'd have become an archeologist. Let's talk tonight. Let's talk about the showdown between the Chrises, Benoit and Jericho. Let's talk about the newly crowned Tag Champions La Résistance. Let's talk about the Game, Batista, and Suit Guy. Let's discuss it all. 'Cause it's 2005. Time has marched on and so must we. Spike Lee commands you. Let's get Raw.

Video Package airs in honor of Martin Luther King Jr.

Video Package of Randy Orton becoming number one contender for the WWE Title after pinning Batista thanks to a screwup from Triple H. The Evolution animosity continues to boil. It's enough to drive Ric Flair crazy! Whoops. Too late.

Raw Theme Plays. The song is good, but Johnny Ace wants to find someone taller to sing it.

Booyah Ka Sha! It's Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler here and - oh snap - we're in Canada. We have a loaded show. Y2J+5 meets Chris Benoit and Gene Snitsky goes one on one with the Big Red Machine Kane. There'll be no holds barred in that one! Well folks, we have a big night of "You Screwed Bret" chants and weird cheering patterns. Let's go to the ring for the Prime Minister of Rock and…uh, Rollah Chris Jericho!

Chris Jericho and his shiny shirt are kicking it center ring with his 1985 New-Wave style Highlight Reel Set. CJ's in a great mood. Why? Well tonight, he gets to fight his good friend, Chris Benoit. In addition, last night at a house show, he won a qualifying match to enter the Royal Rumble. Now he's here for the Highlight Reel…

Yodel-lay-hee-hooooo! Yodel-lay-hee-hoo!

It's Muhammad Hassan, the man that Jericho defeated to qualify for the Rumble. With him, as always is Garth Daivari. (JG Note: Party on, Muhammad. Party on, Khosrow.) The Mu-man is not happy tonight. Hey, Chrissy-boy, ain't hosts supposed to do something besides talk about themselves? Chill, Hassan. The King of Bling Bling introduces his two guests to the crowd and then wonders why his friend is so angry all the time. Why the hostility, Mr. Grumpypants? Jericho thought that you'd be happy to be oot of the United States. Hell, you're in Canada, beeches! We're we be kickin' it Toronto style!

That's funny you should say that, Chris. Not "funny ha-ha," but funny strange. You see, the Hassanator has felt a kinship to Canada. Why? Well, according to Mu, the Great White North peeps are considered "second-class citizens in the United States." He gets the golden "boos." He then blames Canada for allowing the terrorists to enter the US through the poorly blocked Canadian border. (JG Note: Nothing like accusing the whole country of facilitating terrorism to get a reaction. Come on. If you say "Your whole country helped innocent people die," and no one boos you - you should sell your boots on e-bay and apply at Home Depot.) He then says that Canadians have a self-righteous attitude that comes off like they think they're better than Americans, when in reality they're racist. They just hide it! Muhammad Hassan then sits back and takes a great big cheap-heat bath.

Chris Jericho steps in and tells him to shut the hell up. Daivari then goes into his evil talk and Chris listens. Nice speech, Furry, but it's not enough. Jericho then says that there's about 15,000 Canadians calling him an asshole. (JG Note: Man. Can we retire the line "You got about 15,000 (whatevers) calling you an asshole?" Enough already. I get it. One Stone Cold Ad-Lib from six years ago and people can't stop. Give me a hell yeah. What? What?) Y2J tries to decipher the Daivari Code by ridiculing him and translating his rant into a request for an autographed Fozzy Bear album. Everyone laughs because it's funny to think that anyone would want a Fozzy album. No go, kids. No muzak for you. The new album is called "All that Remains" and it hits stores tomorrow. You gonna have to get in line if you want one, MuMu. Hassan responds that Jericho is both American and Canada, therefore he doubly sucks. Jericho doesn't respond kindly. Well, unless you consider a punch in the face kindly.

He takes out both the evil foreigners, but loses control after locking Muhammad in the Walls of Jericho. Daivari jumps him from behind and opens the door for the Hassanman attack and lock in the Camel Clutch. Shawn screams at the fallen Highlight Reeler until Chris Benoit makes the save. The evil men leave while the proud Canadians stand in the ring. Well, Benoit stands. Jericho sort of rolls around in pain.

Triple H is backstage and he's messing with a French Canadian security guard. Recalling his Jean Paul Levesque days, Hunter mocks the guard by doing the same bad French accent that he used to do then. He sends him off and garners some giggles from the deranged red-faced George Washington-looking Ric Flair. The Nature Boy assures the Game that Batista is A-OK. There's nothing to worry about and the monster's not mad. Concerned, H pushes the issue. What did Tista say? Well, Hunt, Ric never actually talked to Davey. He left a message, they played some Evolutionary phone tag, but it's all good. His voice sounded chipper. In fact, all he said was that he'd be a little late tonight. So goes the life of a Deacon. What, what, what? Trips seems a bit put off by this news, but Slick Ric assures him that everything will be fine. For some reason, Gameboy doesn't seem convinced. Wonder why. It could be because in the last few years, Ric Flair has gone completely batshit insane.

Commercial Break. In the commercial for M&M's Amazing Bar, a guy balances a washing machine on his nose. You know what's really Amazing? The fact that they actually have to have a disclaimer that reads "Do Not Attempt." Newsflash: If you need this disclaimer to stop you from attempting to balance a washing machine on your nose, you're not that amazing. In fact, you're an idiot.

Dear Robert,

(1) La Résistance & Maven defeated Hurricane, Rosey, & Shelton Benjamin when Rob Conway pinned Rosey Sylvan and his friend captured the tag titles from William Regal at a house show. Good move switching the straps at a live event. WWE has done a solid job of making their houses seem important lately with the Rumble qualifiers and this title change. Unfortunately, Eugene Dinsmore is out of action with a knee injury. Jim Ross tells Eugene to hang in there. (JG Note: Keep a chin up, Dinsmore. You'll be back to teasing karma and pretending you have a mental handicap before you know it!) Weird statement of the match was Jerry Lawler saying that Maven reminds him of himself. I guess Mave does sort of look like a darker, bald, younger, more athletic, Jerry Lawler with bushy eyebrows. It's uncanny. Not much to this match except maybe the fear that Rosey and Hurricane are in line to challenge for the tag straps. Pretty open and shut stuff. In the end, the Aur Revoir put the Three Minute Hero in Training down for the three count.

Randy Orton is walking an looking at his watch. I picture him inadvertently falling into a manhole and then laugh my ass off. One of the five remaining women that actually has a character, Stacy, stops him. She wishes him luck and then whispers something into his ear that causes a smile. She must have said "Batista is getting your spot." Ha ha. Oh wait, that probably wouldn't make him smile. Scratch that. Besides, I think she may have just been kissing his ear or something.

There's going to be a Stone Cold Steve Austin Press Conference on Wednesday in Hollywood. He might not be there in time, causing it to be postponed. Apparently, he's driving that golf cart thing all the way from Texas.

Commercial Break. Jared tells me to eat Subway. After all, that's how he lost all his weight. Wow. I can't imagine how fat the world was before Subway existed.

Bob Orton's kid has his suit on and he's heading to the ring. Randy Orton is on a mission. He's on a straight forward mission to the World Title. Well, maybe it's a sideways mission. Actually, it's a sort of circular mission that goes forward and then sort of goes around and ends up in the same place again. This five month comedy of errors has lead us to this point. Ort is the number one contender. He beat Batista because of Triple H's blunder. Now he's heading to the Royal Rumble to take that Title! In one of the dumbest moves Ortles can do, he decides to have a Canadian moment:

"The single most greatest moment of my life happened in Toronto, Canada. Because right here in this ring, I became the youngest World Champion in history. Words cannot describe...words cannot describe how it felt to stand here and raise that World Title high in the sky for everybody to see. And in this ring, as I stood in this ring, I'm not ashamed to say it. I cried. I cried because I accomplished something I never thought I'd accomplish! And the next night, in this ring, I bled. I bled for the same reason. Because no one else thought I could accomplish what I did. And that is, at 24 years old, to become World Champion!"

- Randy Orton, 9:28pm

(JG Note: OK, when you're a super cool baby face that admits to crying in a promo, people respect it. They say "Hey, that guy really accomplished something. He's so cool that he can admit to crying. What a guy." When you're a struggling baby face that twirls on the way to the ring and has a hard time getting the fans to accept you, maybe you should avoid the "I'm proud of crying" promo. There's a fine line between "He's so cool that he can admit to crying" and "Ha. Ha. Crying! What a wussy woman fairy biscuit!") Essentially, the whole world was taken from Randy by one man. That man was Triple H. He's a bad man. He's a very bad man. RKO is taking back his pride. He's taking back his title. Come Royal Rumble, you're going down to the Legend Killer. Yeah, son! Can I get a woo woo?

Hello. This is the Rock.

Triple H is here and he has to remind Randy of something. He used to think that Orton had something. He had potential. Sadly, he turned his back on Evolution and now he's suffered for it. Now he's gonna suffer some more. (JG Note: It's kind of sad when the heel can say "You're career has sucked since you turned in August," and be telling the truth.) This belt means that the Game is the greatest rassler alive. You know it's true because Ric Flair has it tattooed on his butt cheek. Helmsley then names all the men he's beaten: "Austin, Rock, Foley, Kane, HBK, Jericho, Nash, Goldberg…" Ort cuts him off and asks him to save the song and dance. It's the same speech you've given over and over. We know. You've been saying it for six years. These people are sick of hearing it. No sicker than Randall is, though. When he was one of your back-up dancers, you bragged all the time! Everywhere! Always! Trips responds that if everyone's sick of hearing it, imagine how sick he is of saying it. Sadly, every time he says it, some "young punk jack off kid" tries to step up. In the end, the game is the same. He's on top and all else fall to his mighty golden band of power. Come the Rumble, you join the list of losers on Hunter's victory sheet. RO challenges Captain Flat Iron to come to the ring and settle this ish, right here and now!

Hunter removes his jacket and then leaves after claiming that it should be Orton who comes for him, not the other way around. Oh, no. It ain't going down like that. Randy chases after him, but is ambushed. Trips never left, he simply hid behind the curtain. Ah ha! The master plan! He pummels the Crying Man and they eventually end up back in the ring. The Champ takes off and grabs a steel chair. This just helps to inspire Orton, who opens up on the Gameboy. Ric Flair shows up and he's blasted. Randall stands tall in the ring with a chair while the heels scramble. This was a pretty generic segment, but it served the purpose in reminding us of the time when Ort was actually a potential star. After being reminded of the backstory, it's painfully obvious how far his character has fallen. So, you can say this segment was both good and bad. Take your pick.

Commercial Break. The next MSG card (February 25th) will feature Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels and a Triple Threat Match between Batista, Triple H, and Randy Orton. Tickets can be purchased at Ticketmaster, the Garden Box Office, or from about 100 different smelly people hanging around Penn Station the night of the event screaming "W.W.F. Tick-ets! Who needs W.W.F. Tick-ets?"

Triple H is losing his Gamy mind as he runs through the hallways with Ric Flair following. Maria tries to ask him a question, but he turns her down. Damnit, Flair! Helmsley has had enough with "pussyfooting around." When Batista gets here, Hunter is going to get his true feelings off his chest! When what to the Game's wondering eyes should appear, but Dave Batista dressed like Al Pacino in the the Devil's Advocate . The Cerebral Assassin backpedals in light of Dave's presence. Hey, man. How's it going? Tista seems to be happy. He tells the H-Man that all is cool by him in regards to last week. Everybody makes mistakes, Trippy. Dave knows that and he forgives you. Hallelujah. Now, if you'll excuse him, Batista needs to go see the little gray Fuzzy-Troll Eric Bischoff . Why? Well it's about the World Title. It's about the Royal Rumble. Excuse me, Beastman. Did you say it involved the World Title? Well, Hunter wasn't expecting to hear that. He tries to weasel his way into this meeting but is unsuccessful. Maybe the Game has nothing to worry about. Maybe Batista is trying to hook him up with a surprise. I bet he's negotiating with Bischoff to get one of those mini-rings to roll the Champion to the ring. You know, the WrestleMania 3 ones - that would be so nice. Look at Triple H. He's all paranoid over nothing. What a friend. Mini-rings on wheels. You can't beat that.

The Coach is backstage with Canada's Least Favorite Non-Son, Shawn Michaels. To a chorus of boos, the Boy Toy steps in and Coachman starts to talk. Relax, John. Shawn knows the drill. He's hated in Canada. These people don't forget. HBK says that he's got nothing against Canada, but a man needs to move on. He's going to the Royal Rumble. In order to do that, he needs to qualify by beating Edge. If he does that, then he both gets a shot at the title and eliminates his nemesis all at once. Sounds pretty friggin' sweet! Eric Bischoff shows up with his weird head and tells the Source of All Strength that he doesn't need to qualify for the Royal pay-show. Hell, he's won it a number of times already. The Boy Toy even went on to win the title at WrestleMania 12 from Bret Hart! Lots of boos there, although he really won that one. So tonight, let's cut that match. You're in the event. Shawn tries to thank him, but is stopped. Bisch has decided that it's fun to watch Michaels get booed north of the border. (JG Note: In all honesty, you have to agree with Eric. It is.) To make matters more fun, it's going to be Kid Heartbreak meeting Toronto's own…Christian! Big cheer. When you think about it, Shawn, it's you against Captain Charisma, Tyson Tomko, and the whole country! That sucks! Whatdaya say, Smileloser? HBK refuses to give the "Edge-Canadian Answer" that backsteps from a fight. He agrees. The match is on and it's next.

Commercial Break. Autorox claims to be the first awards show for cars. Those ought to be some pretty crappy acceptance speeches. "Honk Honk Beep Beep."

(2) Shawn Michaels pinned Christian after Sweet Chin Music Captain Charisma was over pretty big. I know it can be attributed to his position in this match as hometown Canadian facing the evil Hart-hating outsider. I'd like to think that people appreciate his work too. He's small, but he's so good at making his character work and delivering good matches that it's hard for WWE to not use him. Seriously, no matter how dumb the angle, no matter how green the partner, no matter how cheesy the line, Christian has done a great job with it. He definitely deserves to be commended. Early on, Edge came out to watch the action. This was a good match made better by the backwards crowd reaction. The finish was some sweet Chin Music for Christian. Three seconds later and Shawn Michaels has beaten Canada. Who will right this wrong, eh?

After the bell, it was Edge breaking through with a Spear. He knocked the Maple Leaf Hata' to he mat and slapped on the Edge-u-cator. After putting on a lot of Edge-o-pressure. He stood up and look down on the Edge-a-destruction. He then left the Edge-o-ring and we went to some Edge-u-advertisements.

Commercial Break. The commercial for the new show "The Ultimate Fighter" features a soundbite of someone saying that if "you can lose 20 pounds in 24 hours, you're a man." A man? That wouldn't be the first word I'd think of. "Magic," maybe? Perhaps "dead."

Tonight: KaneMonster DDS meets the Snittymeister.

Bad Job Experiences For a Young Dave Batista, growing up in Washington DC

I want to thank you all for joining us here today on the Tour of the Smithsonian. My name is David and I'll be your guide. Before we begin, I'd like to ask that you all refrain from using flash photography and do not leave the group. Is anyone here from out of town? Well, welcome. Make yourself at home. We have a saying here. "Our Smithsonian is your Smithsonian." Ha ha. We'd like to start things here with…uh, sir, didn't I just tell you there was no flash photography? No, no. Don't tell me your not gonna use it. You have it. I saw you. You gonna lie to me? What do you think I am? Yeah, how about I take that walker and stick it up your ass? Yeah? Yeah? You want a piece of me old man?! Do you!? Bring it on, Grandpa! Bring it on! Ahhhhh!

(3) Batista pinned Viscera after a Spinebuster Although he's a giant that looks like a demon from hell, WWE bills Viscera as being from "Harlem, New York." Although Hell, or something like that, would be a more appropriate hometown and would probably help the gimmick out, Vis is black so he's from Harlem. Sigh. This match was horrible. Terrible. Brutal. I suppose that the plan was the see if Dave could carry a match with someone limited in the ring. It didn't work. Why? Well, because it's tough enough for a young star that's finally starting to get over to carry a low-level guy to a good reaction. It's harder when your character is a tweener-heel that hasn't fully turned yet. Despite a quick and awkward "Batista" chant, Dave didn't inspire people all that much for the duration. The end got a nice reaction when he scored a pinfall. Other than that, this was a strange choice for Batista's opponent and did nothing to help his momentum.

Commercial Break. On February 4th, Boogeyman comes to theaters. Yes. Boogeyman. Also coming to theaters in February: The Poo Poo Monster, Mr. Tickles, and Baby Baby: Stick Your Head in Gravy.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler have fallen in love with Batista. They gush over him from the announce table and talk about the roll he's been on.

Ric Flair is busy gushing over Triple H backstage. The duo are having their private time as Naitch tells him how he's the man. However, in a fickle display, Flair turns his attention to Batista as soon as he enters the room. He gets all giddy at the way Dave manhandled that big low card jobber earlier. Even Hunter is impressed. Say, Tista, what up with that Bischoff meeting earlier? DB tells him that Eric offered a Royal Rumble spot. Realizing that if Davey wins the event, he’ll come for the title. Trippie tries to talk him out of it, citing that he's selfish for even suggesting that. Come on, Deacon. You want to win the Rumble and take the title? It's all you - you - you. Stop being such a self-centered jerky monster. You're coming off like Randy Orton lately. D-Bat stops the conversation by agreeing. Yes, Triple H. No one likes a selfish person. Could that perhaps be a double meaning? Could he be talking about the person we're all thinking about? I think so. Wait, we're all thinking of Triple H, right? OK. Good. That's who he means.

(4) Chris Jericho pinned Chris Benoit with a cradle Lawler makes a good point when he says that the crowd won't even know who to cheer for. Always terrific when you have an excuse before the match starts. This one was OK, but it had a lot against it. The match was pretty slow for a while, they cut to commercial halfway through, and it was too short. The crowd was into it by the end, which isn't saying much because it's Benoit-Jericho in Canada. They should have torn the house down, but it wasn't treated as anything special. The Crippler went for a Sharpshooter and Y2J cradled him. It was a pretty sudden ending. After the bell, the two shook hands. Muhammad Hassan and Shawn Daivari should have attacked them at this point. They didn’t.

Recap of the Kane-Snitsky-Lita-Baby Clusterf**k.

Commercial Break. EA Sports has come out with one of those Plug and Play things . Just plug it into the TV and you can play your favorite games….from 10 years ago….for thirty bucks.

Chris Masters is coming to Raw. Picture the Narcissist minus a metal forearm plate.

Hey everybody! It's Trish! It's time to rock-n-roll. This time she's in control. You know the deal. Anyway, Strats is in her hometown ring to do what she does best, cut down Lita. Yet first, she cuts down on the "USA-holes. " Now onto Lita. You know, Leets, Trisha told you so. She told you that you'd get hurt if you fought her (JG Note: Come on, Stratus. Lita's odds of getting injured in a match are like 89%. You're not Nostradamus.) She laughed over Mrs. Red's injury and says that she's sure there's plenty of wrestlers that will get her pregnant again. After all, according to Miss Trish, her knee is all messed up, but her uterus is still "open for business." This cues Miss Amy's loving rapist husband.

Kane shows up and grabs Stratus by her throat. Jim Ross pleads him to stop. Please, crazy Monster stalker necrophilia rapist. Don't do this. Don't do this! This isn't right! This isn't right! Guess what? He does. Chokeslam to the Women's Champion. Beating up women gets Big Red in the mood for fightin'. Get Gene Snitsky out here! Well, first we go to break.

Commercial Break. You know, I always wondered why Barney Rubble, the Trix Rabbit, and the Cookie Crook didn't just team up, go on the attack, get all the cereal they had been denied, and just open up those that had oppressed them. Get it together, guys. It's friggin' breakfast cereal. You should have figured out a way to get it by now.

(5) Kane fought Gene Snitsky to a no-contest…or something like that This was a brawl. It was like the other brawls they had. The thing that makes this feud so bad is the fact that these two have pretty uninspiring matches. It's bad enough that the storyline is all ass-backwards, they have to have bad in-ring encounters too. Take this match for example. It was another verse-chorus-verse confrontation between them, with a non-finish. There's nothing worse than a no-DQ match with a non-finish. Actually, forget all this. The worst is yet to come.

Ready? OK. Kane had Gene at the entrance way. He grabs him by the throat and Snitty looks to beg off. Apparently, he's threatening to throw him into the table below. Oh, we don't really know about the table, because the camera doesn't pick it up. You ready for the progression of screw-ups?

1. Kane gives a jumping choke slam to Snitsky through a gimmicked MaeYoung-Dudleys Table below.

(Camera misses the fall)

2. Camera people realize the error and catch up to both men laying on the crumpled tables beneath a pile of stuff.

(Gene's full face can still be seen and the camera catches him lean over, cover his mouth, and you can hear him say something to Kane.)

3. Snitsky realizes that the error and quickly goes into "hurt mode."

(Hurt mode for Snitty is a big huge smile that makes it look like he's having a naughty dream, rather than clinging to life.)

We pretend that everyone's hurt as we fade to black.

All in all…What an ending. The closing moments, featuring Gene Snitsky whispering secrets to Kane before pretending to be a dead smiling person will be something that's hard to forget. The entire ending seemed flat and between the missed camera work, the whisper, and the smile, it sent the show home on a weird note.

I'm glad to see WWE embrace Shawn Michaels and his vendetta with Canada. It's so strange how Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels has made the Great White North seem like a whole other planet. It's Canada. It right past Niagara Falls. When HBK goes there, it's Beirut. I like it and the company is smart to play into the hostile crowd rather than ignore it.

Muhammad Hassan and Shawn Daivari continue to be used in a confusing way. They attack Chris Jericho early on in a high profile opening segment. Then they disappear again. With a hot-cold approach to pushing these two, WWE is dooming the gimmick to midcard status. If you're going to go with a hot button gimmick, at least make it for a good reason. Pushing the envelope for mid-carders doesn't do much. Ask the Godfather and Val. It should be noted that Shawn and Hassan are both playing their roles well, whether you're a fan of their shtick or not. If and when they get more of a solid effort behind them, they'll be able to handle it.

The Batista-Hunter situation continues to make for good TV. If they build this match consistently and present it at WrestleMania, WWE is going to be in for something good this year. With so many missed creative opportunities in the last few years, it'll be nice to see the company finally strike something when it's hot. Matches against Viscera won't help, but hopefully that was just a one-time flub.

Altogether, this show had big up moments and big downtime. They've done well with creating the aura of excitement heading into Mania and regardless of the show's quality, you still have anticipation in the air. That counts for something.

Thanks for reading. See you again next Monday. Be Well.