Billy Gunn: (whispering to A-Train) I'm going to start hyperventilating. Is this really happening?

McMahon: No talking. You! What's your name?

Gunn: Me? You don't know? Uh, I'm Billy Gunn. I worked for you for over a decade.

McMahon: Billy Gunn? From Rocky Five?

Gunn: That was Tommy Gunn.

McMahon: Sorry. No clue. Anyway, if you are caught talking during a meeting, it's an automatic fine. Consider this a warning. Now onto the important stuff. We're going to overhaul the menu. We've done away with pastas and desserts. Instead, we'll be promoting our Chicken Liver and Kidney Bean platter.

Waitress Maureen Davis: Mr. McMahon, sir, our customers enjoy the pastas and desserts. Who would order liver and beans at Ben…er, McMahonigans?

McMahon: I like Chicken Livers and Beans, young lady. From this point on, people will eat what I decide they eat. How do you think I became a billionaire? By letting people pick their own food?

Waitress Davis: What?

McMahon: Actually, waitress lady, you're way ahead of me. We are going to allow the customers to pick their food on one very special day. Every Tuesday, we're going to allow the patrons to pick between a hamburger, cheeseburger, or hotdog. They pick what they want out of those three choices and we bring it to them for $35. We'll call the event "Tummy Tempting Taboo Tuesday."

Greeter Brian Smith: Who's going to pay $35 for a hamburger?

McMahon: They'll pay what I tell them to pay! Now shut up! Next up, this place needs a hook. We have to have a mascot to draw people in. I've gone through great pains to secure the rights to use the image of one of this country's most prominent stars - Triple H! I'll wait while you all applaud.

There's silence followed by confused clapping. The WWE Ten sob faintly.

McMahon: We're going to put his face everywhere around here. On the plates, cups, napkins, menus, door, awning, receipts, crayons, spoons, knives, forks, lamps, walls, ceiling, ovens…

Waitress Davis: Excuse me, Mr. McMahon…

McMahon: …bowls, stairs, floor tiles, tables, t-shirts, buttons, aprons, hats, chairs….

Waitress Davis: Uh, Mr. McMahon…

McMahon: Hang on, I'm not done. We'll put him on the pay phones, men's room, ladies room, television, skillets, pans, pots, windows, mops, and trays. Also, we're going to spend $50,000 to have specially made bread with his face outlined on it. Just watch all the people pour in. That's it, I'm done. You had a question, waitress lady?

Waitress Davis: Yes. Who's Triple H?

The WWE Ten let out a collective gasp.

McMahon: Ding dong - you're fired. Now, moving on, from this point on you all have to dress appropriately on your way to and from work.

Greeter Smith: You mean we have to wear what you say to even when we're not on the clock?

McMahon: (matter-of-factly) Ha ha. Son, I own you. Get used to it. OK, from this point forward, any time you're not at work, you all have to wear slacks, buttoned up shirts, and pirate hats.

Rico: Pirate hats?

McMahon: Yes, pirate hats. You don't like pirate hats, Rico? How about if I dress you up in a skirt and make you grab everyone's balls? You know I always got a chuckle out of that shtick.

Rico: No. Pirate hats are cool, I suppose.

McMahon: Splendid. OK, folks, just some quick things before I send you all off to buy your pirate hats and push the liver platter. We are no longer offering health insurance or allowing our employees to read the internet. You are not to talk to any restaurant trade publications or admit to anyone outside the company that the food preparation isn't real.

Waiter Tom Williams: But, uh, food preparation is real. What are you talking about?

McMahon: That's the right attitude. Remember, keep kayfabe. Anyway, our new beverage manager Johnny Ace will be stationed at the bar where he can keep on eye on all of you. If anyone needs me, my door is always open. Just don't come inside or bother me. Here's to a successful and productive year at McMahonigan's. Peace out, bitches.

Jazz: I can't deal with this again. I'm going to quit and go apply at Applebee's.

Test: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Jeff Jarrett just bought it. He's calling it "Total Nonstop Applebee's." Servers have to wear white jeans and give all their tips to Randy Savage and the Outsiders. Also, the Best Damn Sports Show Period guys are the only ones allowed to eat there.

Gail Kim: Whatever. Give me that friggin' pirate hat. Time to play the Game…again.

***

It's time for you, the Raw faithful, to play the Game again. Tonight's the night that the Cerebral Assassin makes his Cerebral Return to Monday Night. After the lengthy one-week absence of Hunter Hearst Helmsley, how will things play out? Does Randy Orton have a trick or two up his botched baby face sleeve for the Champion? How about Shelton Benjamin? Does the World's Greatest Tag Team Member have what it takes to last another week as Intercontinental Champion in the face of his Christian competition? Has the boiling point finally been reached between the former Canadian Chris Benoit and current Canadian Edge? Who's next on the firing rampage? Tune in tonight, for most of the undercarders, this could be their last showing. Remember Gail's appearance last week? Here today, gone tomorrow. Well, order your appetizers, throw back your drinks and tip your server. It's Monday Night Raw!

The Breadman cometh yup yup. Triple H is standing in the ring and he's apparently been babbling on for a little while now. We join mid-sentence as H announces his spectacular return to the Raw brand. After being out of action for one full week, he brings trouble with him. (JG Note: I'm going to stop you there. Maven, who's in the main event of Survivor Series Sunday, is shown for less than a minute all night. When this pay-per-view headlining performer is hardly shown for a week, no one cares. When the Game takes a week off, he hires a band and throws himself a party. I understand that Trips is a heel and he's supposed to anger you with a grandiose self-loving angle. It's not about that. It's not about heat. It's about good business. It's about making everyone else look like jobbers compared to one wrestler. If every other wrestler on the card can take a week off or hardly be mentioned without notice, what does it say when one man's vacation is so monumental?) Anyway, the returning Crusader has come back from his time away and hopes it served to teach a lesson to his detractors. Raw needs Triple H - period. Who's the object of Hunter's ire tonight? It's the wrestlers that injured Ric Flair last week. They forced Naitch to take the week off to lick his wounds. How did this happen? Who's really at fault for Slick Ric being sick? All this falls squarely on the shoulders of Billy Bob Thorton's brother Eric Bischoff, who Hunter calls "useless."

Eric Bischoff shows up by cutting off the end to the Gameboy's sentence. He walks to the ring with a purpose and no one's cheering. Bisch approaches the Champion and tells him to come to grips with Sunday's Survivor Series stipulation. The four members of the winning team will manage Raw for one week each. As Bischy is finishing his explanation, Trips grabs his collar and forces him to his knees. Quivering, DDP's neighbor tells him "Please don't do this. I am the General Manager of Raw and you are forcing me to recommend that you be stripped of your World Heavyweight Title." The crowd cheers and Hunter allows the GM to stand up again. Eric continues by telling the Game to buck up and accept things. Focus on winning the match, not playa hatin' the stips. These words enrage Hunter and he goes into growl mode. (JG Note: My fiancée looks up and asks "Is Eric holding the microphone while Triple H yells at him? That's pretty stupid." Damn right.) After the gravely voiced promo, Bischy decides to begin the next match. He scurries out of the ring and the announcements awkwardly begin.

Hey! Nothing you can say! Nothing's gonna….oh whatever.

(1) Randy Orton pinned Batista with a roll-up Batista was announced as being from Washington DC. Has he always been announced with a hometown? He always struck me as a no-Hometown type of guy. I thought he was from Hell or something like that. Washington DC? Strange. This match was way too long. It really felt as though it would never end. In fact, it was this match that made my fiancée stop watching. The biggest problem with this was that Orton-Tista hasn't been presented as a meaningful conflict. Had this feud been given the buildup that Orton-Flair had, this match would have been gold. Instead, WWE decided to get as much mileage out of Ort's match with a 55 year old man as possible, while totally forsaking his conflict with the younger and stronger member of Evolution. Even if this match had occurred later in the show, it might have been exciting. Instead, they opened the show with it and the broadcast started off on a long drawn-out uninspiring note. The fans didn't pop for much and after being beaten down forever the Legend Killer couldn't get a decent reaction when he regained control. The audience came back around as the contest neared a close and Ortles looked as though he had things won. He set up Davey B for an RKO, but it wasn't in the cards as Triple H grabbed his ankle to stop him. Ort and the referee noticed this and Hunter was ejected from ringside. The funny thing was that Triple had been holding Randy's ankle for a while before he finally saw. I'd notice if someone was holding my foot, wouldn't you? After the Game was bounced from the ring area, Randy went for another RKO, but was blocked. When handed lemons, Cowboy Bob's kid made lemonade. He locked in a cradle and pinned Dave Batista. Match time: 11 days.

Chris Benoit and Edge are scheduled to fight tonight! However, right now Batista is scheduled to make funny angry faces! Grrrr! Commercial break time.

Commercial Break. The video of Heidenreich beating up a fan that Teddy Long couldn't show on Smackdown can apparently be shown in a Survivor Series commercial. That must be a loosely worded legal mandate.

Randy Orton is standing alongside Maven, Chris Jericho, and Chris Benoit. They're all shooting the shizzle about the Survivor Series. Their talk is cut short when a rabid Dave Batista rushes in like the Tazmanian Devil (JG Note: The cartoon character.) The refs hold everyone back and it's chaos! Chaos I tell you!

We recap the feud between Edge and Chris Benoit. They've done a good job with Adam Copeland's turn. It'll be interesting to see how they use Edge and Gene Snitsky on Raw, where the top level heel spots are tough to come by.

We go to an interview from last week with a bloody Chris Benoit. He told his wife and children to not watch Raw tonight for fear of seeing the unthinkable things that he will do. He then says that….

"I haven't got any catch phrases. Haven't got nothing fancy to say. Nothing cool way to end this interview."
- Chris Benoit, 9:38pm

"Nothing cool way to end this interview." That cracked me up. It's not that the promo was bad. Actually, it was pretty good. He was just speaking without lines and seemed more natural than usual. But, "Nothing cool way to end this interview?" Come on. It's like All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

Commercial Break. The people in the Optimum Online Cable Internet Commercials friggin' hate DSL. It's beyond selling their own product, they just really hate DSL. It's as if they should end their commercials with "Even if you don't choose us, don't choose DSL. Those guys are bastards."

The Pistons have Replica Raw Championship belts. I have Piston hats. I have Piston cups. I have Piston sneakers. Haha. Get it? Say it out loud! Ahaha! Lame? Lame. Sorry.

The official theme song of Survivor Series is "Ugly." Yes - Ugly.

(2) Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin pinned Tyson Tomko after a T-Bone Suplex You missed Tyson Tomko. You know you did. Why? Cause Viscera took his place. There's nothing that'll make you miss a wrestler more than Viscera taking his place. This match was not good. Benji did this horrible spot where he just stood up after being beaten down. It was a terrible no-sell on the level of a Hulk Hogan Hulk Up. The fans didn't react at all, making it seem even worse. The final kicker was that Tomko just waffled him in the face after he stood. Basically, it was a bad spot with no point. Fairly blah match ended with Tyson setting up Shelton for a power bomb. Benji rolled off his shoulder, landed a super kick on Christian, who was standing on the second rope, and caught Tomko in a T-Bone Suplex. 1,2,3. Cue the stereotypical rap music.

I'm glad they showed the Smackdown Rebound. Not because I want to know what I missed on Smackdown. I saw Smackdown. I'm watching the Rebound to know what I'm supposed to have not seen on Smackdown. Oh. The Kurt Angle-Daniel Puder thing. WWE needs to invest in one of those Men in Black Mind Eraser things.

Trish is preparing to come out and confront Lita on the Highlight Reel. I wonder if Chris Jericho will bring up their past storyline relationship? Oh wait, I forgot. Mind Eraser thing.

Commercial Break. Find out why Lita and Trish Stratus are out to get each other in the new issue of WWE Raw Magazine. Shouldn't the fans know why people are feuding without buying the magazine? That's not good.

Chris Jericho welcomes us all to the Highlight Reel. He promises a Survivor Series win and introduces the man by his side. You see, Fozzy is standing alongside a referee. The official isn't in the house to be interviewed. Oh no, no, no. He's here to keep law and order between Y2J's guests. Why Chris Jericho can't restore order between two women but a 160 pound referee can is beyond me. First, let's introduce (JG Note: …the woman that forced Chris to fall in love with her and then betrayed him, but that was a long time ago and doesn't count anymore,) Women's Champion Trish Stratus!

Trish Stratus steps out and Lita is introduced as the "Queen of Extreme" behind her. Strats is the first to take the microphone. She asks her ex boyfriend what he's thinking to have Lita on the show. Did he not see her Walking Kiss of Death video last week? Just by having Leets on the Highlight Reel, it'll be canceled just like Dark Angel . Jericho responds that the only thing at risk of being canceled with Trish out here is his subscription to "Better Sluts and Gardens." The crowd pops although the comment makes no sense. Why does he have a subscription to Better Sluts and Gardens? Not just that, but why would he cancel it because Trish is out here? If he's implying that she's a slut, why would he cancel his subscription to the magazine because of her? The crowd pops big, which is what's important. I'm just a jerk. Stratus goes on and tells Mrs. Red Machine that she's been out making babies and getting fat. In the meantime, Trisha has been making history. Lita replies that the dream of defeating Stratus kept her going all this time.

"Everything I've been through. From finding out that I'm pregnant to that son-of-a-bitch Snitsky, who took the most precious thing in my life away from me. Every emotion. Every ounce of pain and suffering welling up inside of me, Trish. I'm going to take it all out on you!"
- Lita 10:00pm

Notice she didn't mention being forced to marry her rapist and seeing her true love, Matt Hardy, hurt because of her actions? This chick is whacked. She grows angry and follows up with this…

"This Sunday…pucker up!"
- Lita 10:01pm

All this segment needs is a goofy Gene Snitsky appearance to make it cheese ball heaven.

Poof. Gene Snitsky appears. He has a doll in his arms. It's making baby noises and Snitty holds the microphone up to it for a better sound. He carries on a mock conversation with the baby boy while Lita looks distraught. Well, I think the goal was to look distraught. He offers the baby to Leets, who attempts to take it from him for some reason. He refuses to hand it over and instead kicks it into the crowd. Chris Jericho tries to calm down the shaken Amy, who apparently has an affinity for dolls, and attacks Snitsky. The two brawl to the outside where the Big Bad Baby Killer slams Chris's back into the ringpost and walks off. Lita, who looks stunned silly, sits on the floor. Actually, scratch the "stunned." I meant to just say she looked silly.

Commercial Break. Torrie Wilson and Stacy Kiebler can't agree on the best feature of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw for Playstation 2. They do agree on one thing, however. They're both about ten years away from signing autographs at Boat Shows.

We're back and Jim Ross is selling the doll-kick like it was a real baby. He calls it one of the worst acts ever on Raw. This is the same show where Triple H made love to a "dead body," Kane raped Lita, and Three Minute Warning beat up two lesbians. That says a lot.

Simon Dean is here and he's ready to sell you on his promise of being fit and lean. It's the most important message that Bodydonna Dean can give. In fact, tonight he'll pick an advocate. Yes, one fan will achieve fitness. Simon goes from plant to plant, telling them how fat they are. The first was a redheaded woman who was horrible. She bugged her eyes out and dropped her jaw like a cartoon character. The second was a bald guy who Dean said couldn't clean correctly after a "bowel movement." The third was the queen of the plants and ended up in the ring after agreeing to try the fake system for a year. The plants were obvious for two reasons. The first was that there were people fatter than them seated in the same row. Secondly, the three plants were the only three people in the building who seemed to believe that the Simon System was real.

After Plant #3 came into the ring, the segment became even more boring. Dean pushed his drink while mocking her girth. After talking the obvious actress into downing some of his Simon Juice, he then insulted her once more, claiming that she needed 20 gallons a day to get fit. Irate, she tossed her drink into Simon's face. For some reason, he sold as if he was punched in the nose. She left the ring and he followed her out, pouring the remainder of his system over her head before leaving. In one of his more pathetic moments, Jerry Lawler became giddy when you could see the large woman's white panties as she was helped over the barricade by security. They cut to commercial as he was speaking. It went like this:

"Oh look! Panties are showing! White panties…"
- Jerry Lawler, 10:19pm

Commercial Break. Maybe John Kerry should have followed the advice of the Snicker's commercial and released a song entitled "I Want To Be Your Resident."

(3) World Champion Triple H defeated Tajiri by countout Jim Ross asks if this could be the night that Tajiri pulls off a major league upset? Answer: no. Before the bell, Gene Snitsky beats him from behind. He tosses the Buzzsaw while a silent crowd watches on, finishing him off with a big kick. There's never an official word as Tajiri never gets in the ring. I wrote "countout," because it was the most logical explanation. In reality, there was no decision.

After the non-existent bell, Hunter takes the microphone and cheers on Snitsky. Lita Tormentor #432 enters the ring and Trips extends his hand in friendship. Goofy Gene explains that he's never been much of a team player. When the Survivor Series victory goes down, you'll have Snitty to thank for it and no one else. Oh, one heads up. When it's Snitsky's turn to manage Raw, he's coming after the World Title. (JG Note: And beating the crap out of Cabbage Patch dolls.) The Game looks agitated and the commercials run.

Commercial Break. Wow, this Dead or Alive: Ultimate commercial gets really annoying really quick.

September 11th changed everything for those of Arab-American descent. So says Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari. They show a happy suburban town while Mohammed explains that he was not persecuted growing up in it. He just wants to be accepted. Daivari translates and the crowd boos because he's speaking Arabic. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. The only way to get these guys over is a split with Daivari playing the heel to a turned Hasaan. Other than that, the fans are going to boo them for being Muslim. That's the point, right? If the characters are predicated on the fans prejudging them, what do they expect? In 2004, it's tasteless to encourage fans to boo Arabs for being Arab. However, also in 2004, it's stupid to expect fans to cheer Arabs for being Arab. Is WWE being tasteless or stupid? Only time will tell! Stay tuned, folks!

Jerry Lawler stands up and tries to egg the crowd into chanting "OU Sucks" to annoy Jim Ross. It doesn't go so well. Instead we go backstage to Robo-Maria and Edge. White panties!

Edge is prepared for Chris Benoit. Chris may have told his family to not watch the match tonight, but he…wait. Triple H has arrived and he's here to check in on his Survivor Series teammate. Eggo saw the situation with Gene Snitsky earlier. He assures the H Man that come the Series, victory will come. It won't come because of Snitty. It'll come because of Edge himself. When that win happens and Team Edgeolutionsky gets to control Raw, the E Man is coming for your title. Poor Hunter! Everyone's out to get him. I don't think it's that all the other wrestlers hate him. I think it's because they don't know who else they can wrestle. I understand where they're coming from. With so much TV time, sometimes I forget that the show has other wrestlers besides Triple H too.

JR and the White Panty Man take a look at WWE Smackdown vs. Raw . Lawler points out the great graphics. I don't think anyone's disputing the quality of the graphics. Most people are disputing the fact that it's just like the last WWE PS2 game only with less characters and options.

Commercial Break. WWE Themeaddict - For the WWE fan that still has money left over after buying all our other stuff.

In the Evolution locker room, Triple H asks Batista to speak with their partners and straighten them out. Get them to throw away their World Title dreams. Tista seems to agree, but when Hunter leaves, he gazes at the title himself. Oh David. Always the brides maid and never the bride! You do it, Dave! You do Washington DC proud!

Lillian Garcia looks thrilled. In the midst of mass terminations, she has to introduce Christy Hemme as the special guest ring announcer. It's pretty scary to be in a company that canned ten on-air characters in one week and have to introduce someone who's going to do a guest spot at your job. Unless you called in sick, it's not a good sign when someone shows up to cover for you.

(4) Edge and Chris Benoit wrestled to a no contest This was a good match. It actually jacked up the show in my eyes. Both of these guys have a solid backstory and a reason to fight. Their encounter had a sufficient buildup and deserved to be in the top spot. Not only that, but it helped to sell Sunday's pay show. The only real critique is that it didn't have a clean finish. Then again, this is TV, so you can't have it all. For a television match, this was solid and one of the better efforts on Raw in a while. As the ending draw near, Batista and Triple H showed up to observe. The duo sat at ringside and watched for a moment before Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, and…who's that guy? Oh, Maven. They all came out and confronted the evil doers. A staredown ensued as the ring action continued. When Benoit trapped Edge in a Crossface, all hell broke loose. Trips reached in and biffed the Crippler, causing the ref to slide outside and the baby faces to attack. The bell rings and fight is on.

Gene Snitsky enters the ring and pounds away on Benoit. Maven tries to make the save and is tossed through the ropes. Thanks for playing, Maven. Got some parting gifts for ya. The Game enters the ring and looks cocky until Snitsky comes face to face with him. As Trips backs away, he finds Edge behind him. Batista joins in to make four. Team Edgeolutionsky stare each other down as the good guys attack again.

After clearing the ring of the heels, Chris Benoit, Jericho, Orton, and the Tough Enough 1 Kid that didn't get fired stand tall while we fade black.

All in all…Raw was pretty painful at some points tonight. Capped off by a hot main event that was cut off by a poor finish, the broadcast was pretty boring for any episode, much less the Survivor Series sendoff edition.

Batista-Randy Orton was given way to much time to start things off. It was pretty boring right off the bat and would have fit in later on in the show. If you're going to start off with a 20 minute match, at least have two guys that are feuding square off. Tista and Randy haven't been built as a feud worthy of this type of time. The in-ring action is half the battle when presenting an lengthy TV segment. Most of it involves backstory. Orton's story involves Triple H and Ric Flair. Batista is a supporting player.

The main idea of the show was to sell how Triple H is in trouble following the Series, regardless of outcome. Everyone wants a shot at him! The only problem here is that the focus of the pay show is to sell the following month of Raws. Isn't that backwards? Why order the Survivor Series when the main event's stipulation plays out on free TV until mid-December? Why do you need to see it? You'll know who won the match if you watch Raw.

WWE doesn't want you to boo Hasaan and Daivari because they're Arab-Americans. Actually, scratch that. Yes they do. How is this team different than La Resistance or the Iron Sheik or Ivan Kolloff? Easy. These guys are Americans. The only character you can loosely compare them to is the 1991 Sgt Slaughter gimmick. He was an American. That was a pretty tasteless too and didn't draw much money. Don't kid yourself. Daivari and Mohammed are nothing like the rest of the Anti-American gimmicks. In fact, they're not even Anti-American. They haven't said much against the US (in English anyway). They're simply Muslim. That's the their gimmick and they're heels. I'm just tellin' it like it is, McMahon.

Great main event. Would have been greater if it had a real ending, but it was still good. It wasn't clean, but at least they didn't charge $35 for it.

That's that. Catch you next week. White panties! White panties!

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