Before anything I want to issue a public apology. Last October when Triple H was subjecting us to that terrible Katie Vick angle, I was very vocal against it. His "necrophilia video" was, in my opinion, pointless and unproductive. Now I feel silly. I never realized that Hunter was merely practicing for his match with Scott Steiner. They say practice makes perfect – now I know why he was working with a stiff months ago. He truly is a student of the Game and I truly am a sarcastic bastard.

But that's not what we're here to discuss. It's Monday and for those of you looking for your CSI Commercial Fix – it's Raw time. With last night's debacle of a main event, will Hunter set his sights on a new opponent? What do the newly crowned World Tag Team Champions the Dudleys have in store? What is Uncle Eric Bischoff's big surprise? Will Jeff Hardy once again paint himself to look like Sissy Spacek at the end of Carrie? We've got ten years down and at this rate, I'm guessing about six months to go. So buckle up, return your trays to the upright and locked position and prepare for some turbulence. It's time to over-analyze Raw…

Recap of Vince McMahon giving Eric Bischoff 30 days to turn Raw around. If Bischoff fails, Shane McMahon takes over – just like the last Nitro.

Raw Theme Plays – Lisa from Tough Enough 3 shows up backstage and asks if she can handle the music for the night.

Time to change your thong…Time to change your thong!!!

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us all to the Dunkin Donuts center. I pictured it looking like Willie Wonka's factory only with a donut theme. It's just a regular arena. I was a bit disappointed.

He's bruised and battered, but Hunter Hearst Helmsley is in the hizzy. With the Nature Boy in tow, the Game makes his way to the ring. He announces that he is still champion and refers to Big Poppa Pump as a disgrace to wrestling (JG Note: Just so people who didn't order the pay-per-view know too). Well according to Hunter, just like they say in the movies "There ain't gonna be any rematch." I don't know what type of movies him and Stephanie are getting from Blockbuster because I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.

Holla … if I almost accidentally drop you on your head on pay-per-view!

Freakzilla makes his way to the ring. My guess is he's going to announce that he's becoming a professional arm wrestler because that he can do. Well Scotty ain't out here to talk trash. He's here to finish what he started. Steiner wants a rematch – tonight. What have I done to deserve this? But Tripz no can do. You see he has a doctor's note (JG Note: Dr. Zahorian?). Apparently Gamey's note won't let him lock up with Stiffzilla. Hunter assures me that he's as "hot" as I am about this. Yes, that note makes me "hot." Who talks like this besides wrestlers? It's like when Bret Hart would say "lousy stinking butt". Ric Flair gets tired of all this and takes the mic. You see Judge Flair (JG Note: Bushwood…a dump?) has an option for the Freak. His opponent can be Batista.

Scary man #1 meet Scary man #2.

Batista walks that aisle. Remember how I mentioned that at the Raw X Show I had almost the same shirt on as Batista? Well, he wore it tonight. He should buy more clothes. But before the Deacon could get into the ring, Hunter attacked Steiner from behind. Scotty fought against the odds with about as much crowd support as Mark Fuhrman at the Apollo Theater. I have to say that I can't remember a wrestler receiving the type of reaction Scott Steiner is getting from an American audience. They seem to just not want to see him wrestle. Without a doubt the one thing that really took his poor performance to another level was that the following match was a pure classic (Angle/Benoit). While Hunter takes a lot criticism, no one doubts that he can deliver a good match. The blame for this whole thing rests on the immensely humungoid shoulders of the Big Bad Booty Daddy. Let's see if the investment redeems himself. We have Tista taking on Steiner later tonight. The heels retreat. What should I spend my money on?

Commercial Break. If you missed the Raw Tenth Anniversary Special on TNN last week …then you are one lucky person.

Jeff Hardy Version I-am-nuts comes down the aisle looking like one of the kids they would interview on a documentary about teenage run away drug addicts.

One of a kind!

(1) Rob Van Dam pinned Jeff Hardy My girlfriend wondered why Jeff's forehead was painted blue, She speculated that perhaps young Jeffery is a member of the Blue Man Group and didn’t wash off all his face paint. The scary part about that statement? If it were true – it would explain so much. Good back and forth match which did a good deal for the crowd. At one point Rob missed with a frog splash and Jeff set him up and hit a Swanton Bomb. When RVD kicked out at two, Jeffitude really kicked in and the young Hardy boy seemed frustrated. However with his mind preoccupied, Jeff allowed himself to be reversed into a pin by Mr. Early Monday Night. Following the bell, Van Dam tried for a handshake but was attacked by the colorful Jeff. Punky stalked Rob with a chair before deciding to go backstage and write a poem about it.

Christian has found another friend named Chris in the form of Chris Nowinski. They discuss Christian's error of trusting his brother Edge last night at the Rumble. He also questions the guy who sold him those fruity red tights. Suddenly a smiling Eric Bischoff arrives. He questions the bruised Nowinski "What the hell happened to your face?" (JG Note: This ironically was the most asked question Easy E heard when he first made his return last July). Well Team Christ(ian)opher Nowinski want to know what the Bisch has up his chunky sleeve. You have to wait guys. After all it is a surprise. Wouldn't be a surprise if they told you would it? Now you ponder that during the …

Commercial Break. I've never been so hungry that I would go into the opposing team's huddle – have you?

Bob Orton's son Randy and Rick Steiner's brother Scott are shooting the breeze backstage. Randall points out how he's not going to call Steinerizer for not winning the Title last night. Ort explains that much like his doctors, Steiner was wrong. Big Poppa Stiff grabs the blue chipper by the collar and tells him that his arm may reach 95% mobility – but he's 100% asshole. It's good to see Scott do something besides eleven german suplexes.

Chief Morley is joined by the Dangerous Danny Davis of 2003, Nick Patrick. It seems that the big Valbowski has ish with Nicky's call in the Dudley's tag title win last night. Videotape shows that D-Von used brass knuckles to get the win. Seems that Chief Venis is a stickler for rules. He thinks Nick Patrick owes us all an apology…now! (JG Note: Also they reverse seven of Ric Flair's title reigns, the Randy Savage's WrestleMania 4 win, and the Kane first blood win over Austin at King of the Ring '98.)

Commercial Break. I can understand how 1-800-Call-Att is cheap for them, but how is it good for me? It doesn't affect me at all. I pay nothing. In fact, I want them to pay as much as possible. Why? If they were calling me collect – they'd make it expensive.

The Big Cheifbowski and former N.W.O. member Nick Patrick are front and center. Val has Nick apologize to the fans for missing the Dudley's cheating ways. Following this tearful plead for forgiveness,, Valhoo tells Little Nicky to reverse the decision. Now he's just gone too gosh darned far. It seems that the ref has read the handbook because he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. It's his decision and his alone – so there. Well, the Chieftain is left with little choice but to call out them damn Dudleys.

We Want Tables! We Want Tables! Uh…they haven't even come out yet.

Bubba is wearing what appears to be a camouflaged mini-skirt. They get into the ring with the ref and the Chief and stand face to face with them. Since apparently he has never dealt with another human being in his life, Chief Valiant asks the Duds to forfeit the gold in the interest of fairness. D-Von is apparently the aggressive one and tells Morely to "go to hell". Chief Sean is misunderstood though. You see, he knew that William Regal brought the knux into the ring. That's why he was coming down to the ring! He as coming to stop Willie Reegs last night! Oh! Well, Bubba thinks that's a lie and wonders aloud what Providence thinks of that!!! (JG Note: Providence? Providence Providence and in closing I'd like to say Providence!!!) Bubba Ray soaks up his cheap pop as Chief Wiggum throws a hissy fit over his lack of respect. Bubba chimes in that the Chief is a "kiss ass, washed up, porn star." As he goes on, the crowd chants "We Want Tables" to which Bubba responds with a smile. The two brothers take out Val and with Buh Buh Buh Buh Buh (slap) Bubba Ray standing above Chief Val with mic in hand he recounts the words of Vincent Kennedy McMahon a mere week ago "D-Von! Get the Tables." But when the tables come out – so do Regal Storm. Slick Willie and Lance put Bubba Ray through a table. Mr. Gravel Voice announces that Regal and Storm would be receiving a title shot…now.

(2) William Regal and Lance Storm defeated The Dudley Boys to win the World Tag Team Titles. Simple stuff. Bubba was dead before the match started. N.W.O. Nick Patrick showed some apprehension at first to count out Bubba, but Chief Val reinforced the issue. Three seconds later Storm and Regal become the tag champions again. The World just got a bit more boring. Ladies, watch out. Tonight Willie Regal and Lanceman Stiznorm are on the town with gold.

Commercial Break. Darkness Falls…for me cause I'm such a hottie.

Cameras give me a good shot of the Dunkin Donut's Center. I swear would a munchkin or oompa loompa be too much to ask?

Recap of William Regal and Lance Storm winning the tag titles five minute ago. That's for all of you that slammed a brick into your heads during the commercial break and forgot about it.

(3) Trish Stratus and the Hurricane defeated Victoria and Steven Richards when Trish pinned Victoria I think Trish got the Bedazzler for Christmas. She was very sparkly. I'm not a big fan of the Trish/Helms connection. They just don't seem to gel. He seems like the type of guy that would pay a girl to date him in high school. (JG Note: What was that? "Can't Hurry Love" with Patrick Dempsey in the '80s. That's the movie. That would be Shane Helms – Trish would be the girl he paid). Vicki and Right to Richards go perfectly together. Rules of this one dictate that each gender fight their own. Despite some antagonizing by Toria, Hurricane doesn't give in and tags in Trish. Good action by the women with Trish ending the Women's Champions hopes following a Trish Bulldog. Match is over. I feel as though that accomplished nothing.

Your Uncle Eric is on the phone, Vince. He's got a surprise for you. What can it be? As Eric oozes out of the room, we see that was throwing darts at a photo of Shane McMahon. The ironic part of this segment? He made that dartboard about eight years ago.

Commercial Break. It's all in the mix? Oh thank heavens – I've looked everywhere.

Sean O'Haire vignette - Sean is still playing the gimmick of the evil voice in Vince McMahon's head (JG Note: The only voice?). Sean's hair is still cah-razy!!! But I'm not telling you something you don't already know...

I'm ba-ack and wear discount leather.

Out comes Eric Bischoff . He continues to build things up to an unreachable height by claiming that Vince McMahon himself is sitting at home clueless just like us. Greasy does a pretty lame Vinnie Mac impressions as he runs down the ultimatum set forth last week. Well Sleazy E was confused as to how to save his show until the Raw X show last week (JG Note: Glad to see it served some sort or purpose for someone) Eric shows us a clip of the Raw Superstar of the Decade going to Stone Cold Steve Austin. Bischy questioned why Steve Austin wasn't there. He begins to rant and rave how Austin was the greatest superstar in Raw history. There's just something not right about hearing Eric Bischoff say "Steve Austin." I can't imagine these two working an angle together. He claims to have told Raw Magazine to stop the presses (JG Note: Huh?) because he has a major scoop. This month we will hear Steve Austin's side of the story regarding his walk out last May. (JG Note: I hope this isn't like that crappy radio show interview Austin did on AM radio out here). Puffy then shows another clip from Austin's Raw history and announces that the Rattlesnake will be back at No Way Out on February 23rd. Yeah, so this was a big letdown. Maybe it's me but when Austin was built up so much at the Raw X Show it was just a natural assumption that he'd be back. I think this announcement was a bit overhyped. For someone who has 22 days to turn a company around, Eric really hasn't given a crap about any other parts of this show so far.

Commercial Break. I don't need Sour Starburst to make that face. I saw Scott Steiner do a tiger suplex last night.

J.R. and the King are at the Nitro position. Jim Ross is in love with Steve Austin again.

A whole pound of Kiwis that men love – I think I'll eat it with a knife….Sucka!!!

4. Booker T and Goldust defeated Three Minute Warning when Booker pinned Jamal OK, Jim Ross is officially losing it. First he referred to Rosy and Jamal as "Three Count" (JG Note: Get up on your feet, put your hands together…) then spoke about Shawn Mikers. Pretty crazy – he must have so much bottled up inside since he stopped sharing his feeling with us on the internet. Anyway, Three Minute Boring were wearing their new matching green shirts. Pretty much a non-descript match. Nothing really notable for a while but it began to build towards the end. Botched interference saw Rico and Rosey get knocked from the ring leaving Jamal to be scissors kicked and pinned by The Five time Five Time Five Time Five Time Five Time WCW Champion Booker T. Went a lot longer than it should have.

Shawn Michaels was in the Rumble? Oh I must have blinked – my bad. Test helps Shawn Michaels eliminate Chris Jericho. Canadians everywhere call for his execution.

Commercial Break. How come shoe commercials can't just be up front and sell me shoes? Let me see your sneakers – if I like em, I'll buy em. Enough with the abstracts – it's just friggin shoes. I have feet – I need to buy em. If they're not yours, they'll be someone elses.

Cue Legs and Stephanie McMahon's first boyfriend.

3 seconds until Y2J – you've been warned.

Jericho comes out and begins to compare his dreams to that of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He will seek retribution on Test for his interference in his affairs last night. If that doesn't pan out – he'll just put on something shiny and play with his Jim Neidhart looking goatee.

5. Chris Jericho and Test wrestled to a no-contest Pretty physical with Jericho taking control of the Testicular leader. At one point Stacey bangs on the mat and leads the crowd in chanting "Testicles" (JG Note: This makes no sense. Hogan's fans never chanted "Hulksters!"). But since her legs are very long the crowd cheers along. You need long legs to convince an arena full of men to chant the anatomically correct term for "balls". Lawler asks if Test and Stacey's relationship is more than business. JR wouldn't know – even though an F-View showed them making out about two weeks ago. Can't put anything past the Ross reporter. Good showing by both men that saw the action spill to the outside. Jericho retrieved a chair from the timekeeper and swung at the big Blue Machine. Teste ducked and the chair (supposedly) made contact with Stacey Kiebler knocking her into to Nitro Girl Land (JG Note: Yes, Kimberly – step step turn I remember). Andy loses his mind and pushes Jericho aside. We begin to take things up a notch.

We take the angle into Foley territory by bringing out EMTs and bleeping out Test's obscenity filled cries for help. Jericho expresses remorse over the situation as a stretcher is called out. With Kiebs being secured and put on a stretcher, Test cries like Eric Bischoff when Krispy Kreme is closed. Jericho leaves the ring area. The Test tears deserve a big "duh" but other than that, the segment was fairly well put together and sets up these two guys with a questionable feud that has the potential to be either a forgettable attempt or a big success. We all worry about Stacey as we take a …

Commercial Break. For any cars over 75,000 miles use Castrol GTX's "High Mileage" – or as Rob Van Dam calls it "Mileage".

We're back and Test is still crying. He must have just realized that he really cut his hair.

Al Snow is at the World and tells us that the Tough Enough decision is in our hands. John looks like Alex Krychek from the X-Files. Bob Holly looks forward to inuring them all in the ring one day.

Ric Flair is in love with Batista. He promises Tista that this moment will be his finest. Either that or Scott Steiner will accidentally snap his neck while messing up a powerbomb. Either way, Deacon Dave, something is gonna happen. Let's rock – but first – a…

Commercial Break. Did I just watch a naked guy with a scarf running in on a soccer game? Well Nike, I'm intrigued, how is this supposed to sell me something?

6. D-Lo Brown pinned Tommy Dreamer in a Cane Match Can we all just chip in and get Tommy Dreamer a T-shirt with his own logo on it? D-Lo come out to the ring with … Teddy Long? (JG Note: Time for me to rise on up out of here!) They seem to be playing the racist gimmick to the max. This is going to get a lot of heat. Teddy claims that D-Lo was left out of the Rumble because of his skin color. Whatever works for you, Brown. If they're looking to get D-Lo over this was where he started. Teddy Long could only help the character. Although Teddy reminds me of the cook on Cosby spin-off A Different World. I think this partnership has some potential. Good match with some old school hardcore wrestling. The finale came when D-Lo used the cane and hit Tommy with a sky high.

Scott Steiner is on his way to the ring. Last chance to change the channel….

Commercial Break. Get out of bed and get into Burger King. Unless you live in a burger king then you're good to go.

The Colossus of Bogga Road is Nathan Jones. Between this character and Sean O'Haire's, I have to applaud the job they are doing by pushing fresher gimmicks. I suppose I should say something snide here. Hmm…uh…Eric Bischoff is the Colossus of Booger Road. Ha ha. There…snide.

Holla if I bore you!

6. Scott Steiner defeated Batista via disqualification Yup, this was what I expected. I can not for the life of me figure out why this match was put as the main event for the show tonight. Steiner did some pretty irreparable damage to his rep yesterday (JG Note: For those of you who missed it – it was Kronik bad) and Batista is too green to be put into the main event of Raw with an opponent that couldn't even be carried by the World Champion last night. Mercilessly the match came to an early end when RNN's own Randy Orton ran in and attacked the Big Bad Booty Daddy for the DQ.

Following the bell, Ric Flair ran in for the attack and was pounded (JG Note: That's the kind of Flair I like to see – one who fights instead of threatens to get Hunter to defend him). Stiffzilla lands some pretty weak punches on Batista until Hunter rushes the ring and takes him down. Orton, Tista, Flair, and Hunts all beat the Genetic Freak and pose for you as our cameras fade to black.

All in all… …Nope. Sorry. I tried. You people have to know I tried. There were moments where I thought I saw a glimmer of hope but it was all for naught. I'm not going to give them a thumbs up just for announcing Austin's return either. One major problem with WWE TV lately is that Vince's idea of a "big surprise" is not my idea of one. Although I was glad to hear they got Stone Cold back, I don't see hyping a surprise unless Austin is actually there. In fact the crowd seemed confused as to whether or not Steve would show. I just felt that this week had some good moments, but it left me pretty empty. A lot of segments could have been cut down tremendously to make room or add time to other angles. I don't know where we're going from here but by No Way Out, Eric Bischoff's 30-day trial period is over. Has anyone thought about that? Well, that's it guys. I'm done here. Be Well!