JG's Retro Raw Insanity
JG's 1/23/06 Raw Insanity: Edge Shares His Magical Ho With Other Dudes and The Spirit Squad Debuts - Hip, Hip, Hooray!
By James Guttman
Jan 23, 2012 - 7:24 AM

Originally Published January 23, 2006


Well, as you might have noticed, the site has a new layout and look.  To go with it, I put together a brand new game to help you waste time at work.

It's World War Insanity:  McMahon Revenge.  Basically, you play the role of a WWE defender and shoot down the copies of World Wrestling Insanity before they overtake your arena or, even worse, your headquarters.  Fight on, young lion.  Take your gun and watch your step.  Go too far and the Ace might turn on you with a skateboarding surprise.

World War Insanity: McMahon Revenge

Have fun.  Hopefully it won't be as painfully hard as the Ping Pong.  Happy shooting.  Bang, bang.

Speaking of which, will Mick Foley make his triumphant return to Monday Night Raw tonight?  Probably not, but I needed a segue.  Now that we're here, let's look at where we stand.  Less than a week till the Rumble and some business still needs to be settled.  Will there be an explosion between the former Champion John Cena and current Champion Edge?  Has Shelton Benjamin found a lucky charm in the form of Mama Thea?  Will there be a new General Manager?  Ha ha.  No.  Sit back and watch anyway.  It's Monday at 9 o'clock and what else are you gonna do?  Learn a language?  Help with housework?  Fix that leaky faucet?  Ha ha.  No, silly person.  You're gonna watch Raw and you're gonna like it.  Ya heard?

A movie-like preview airs for the R-Rated Superstar.  Edge, to those of you who aren't so familiar with the later letters in the alphabet. 

Hey there, Edge.  They're playing your music.  You're on.

Thanks, man.  I'm just finishing up out here on the basketball court.  Do me a favor, dude.  Grab my balls.

Sure.  Uh…basketballs?

What?  No.  I'm not playing basketball.  I'm just doing yoga.

Oh…well, I….ummm… gotta go.

Edge and Lita have arrived and they're in Flair Country.  Jerry Lawler hypes a match that at first looks intriguing.  It's John Cena teaming up with a shadow in a t-shirt with a question mark on it against Edge and another shadow in the same shirt.  Come to find out, it's not a shadow man at all!  It's just a boring old mystery partner.  Blah.  Then again, their partners could be anyone.  Anyone!  That's pretty cool.  There's so many great choices they could make.

Lita starts off with the microphone and promptly garbles over her own words, implying that she had something in her throat.  I wonder what.  She comes around enough of finally introduce Edge to the crowd.  Mr. E tells the people that what they just witnessed was merely a preview.  Cap'n Canada says that he equals ratings and deserves the Championship.  That's when he gets all insider and says he'll never be a "transitional champion" like the Iron Sheik or Mick Foley.  Awwww snap.  He then explains that a transitional champion is someone who wins the title and then loses it a week later "never to be heard from again."  Not only that, but Edgy ain't gonna lose that belt 16 times like Ric Flair.  Oh, oh, even better, even better.  Adam Copeland won't become a "walking joke" like Flair either.  The audience chants "We Want Flair."  To this, Edgemire says that Ric won't be here tonight.  Cheer all you want, beeches.  Your hero is dead.  Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for the Nature Boy.  His title hopes are dead.  Adam informs the heartbroken fans that Slick Ric has to go to the back of the line and wait…along with John Cena.  Once the Royal Rumble comes to a close, the Doctor of Thuganomics will find his career headed straight "in the toilet."  (JG Note:  Insert Poop Joke here.)  The Champ calls JC "overrated, untalented" and a "piece of crap" before turning his attention to his dirty little chickie.  Copeland promises to take her home and have sex with her.  Before he goes into detail, the overrated, untalented, piece of crap arrives.

Hey!  Edge!  It's John Cena.  Do you see him?  Oh, my bad, you can't.  Anyway, John's here to do one thing.  He's here to repeat "Charlotte" over and over again in hopes that people will cheer.  Once that's out of the way, Johnny congratulates Edge on a movie trailer well-done.  Screw all that, though.  Cena saw the movie itself.  Ooooh yeah.  So, he's gonna recap it for all of us.  It's a classic story:

John Cena's Recap of Edge's Movie

Boy meets Ho.

Not just a regular ho, she's a magical redheaded ho.

She changes his life.  He wins the WWE Title.

The Boy has it all.  He wants to make his Ho happy.  So he takes her on vacation.

To Lake Ta- HO.

Hungry?  She gets taters from Ida- HO.

He traces her heritage all the way back and discovers she's half Nava -HO.

The Boy and the Ho have it all.  They have live sex on TV.  Which is more disgusting then "when Mae Young gave the Boogeyman a Chunky Rockafeller." 

The story goes way left.  In the end, the Boy goes to Miami - the Royal Rumble.  Once there, he takes the worst ass-kicking of his entire life. 

Boy loses WWE Title.  Boy loses his Main Event Spot.  Tragically, he even loses his ho.

Why?  He fell in love with Hacksaw Jim Duggan….


In one day, Boy goes from Rated R to G.  G for "Gone" like the WWE Title

G for "Gold" which the boy never sees again.

G for "Gonorrhea" which the Ho left behind.

The End.

I have to admit, the Gonorrhea line made me laugh.  This was Cena's best promo in ages.  Despite the audience pandering with the Nava-HO stuff, he came off pretty good.  They need to keep the sucking up to fans down to a minimum and increase the arrogant antagonism of heels. 

Lita chimed in and claimed to not know who the ho in question was.  All she does know is that both Dr. Thuggy and Boom Boom Copeland need to find partners.  Tell you what, John.  If you have a hard time finding someone to play with, maybe you should go play with yourself.  You tell him, Lita.  Cena makes another allusion to Amy's oral fixation before closing out his promo with a final Rumble threat for Edge. 

"Even though right now you're standing next to a bitch.  This Sunday at the Royal Rumble, I will make you mine!"
- John Cena, 9:15pm

Up next, Carlito vs. Kane.

Then, later tonight:

Commercial Break.  I had a pet Gecko for like four years.  I kept him in a box and fed him once in a while.  After a while, he died.  I brought it to my dad to bury and we both realized I had actually been confused.  It wasn't a Gecko!  It was an employee for Geico!  Boy was my face red.  We tossed him in the river and promised to never talk about it again.

1) Kane defeated Carlito via disqualificiation

This was a pretty good match.  Every time I see Carlito, I can't help but think that he's got so much more potential than what he'll be able to show during his time in WWE.  I feel like they started him off really strong and then blew his initial main event shot.  It's sort of the same for Chris Masters.  Hopefully he'll be able to overcome that.  If this match is any indication, it will be.  The finish was great for Carl and helped to put him over as a violent heel.  After taking his lumps from Bald Bull, Carly left the ring and returned with a chair.  With a  mighty swing, Cool knocked the Monster stupid.  The ref rang the bell and all looked well in the world of Triple C….

…until Kane sat up.  Oooo!  I hate when that happens!

Backstage in the hallway, Edge urges Lita to go into Big Show's locker room and explore his Dungeon of Doom, if you get my meaning.  She seems hesitant at first, but reconsiders.  In a related story -  Matt Hardy.

Commercial Break.  I wanna go to H & R Block and flail my arms in the air screaming "Can you fix my uh ohs?  Huh?  Help me with uh ohs!  Uh oh, Spaghetti-O!"  Hey, if they're going to market to morons, then that's what we should give 'em.

We're inside Big Show's locker room and Lita is on his lap.  She's trying to convince him to team with Edge.  As incentive, she urges him to sit back so she can take off her shirt and slide down to his groin.  Show asks her - no joke - "Do you wanna go to seventh heaven with a seven footer?"  As Biggie laid there with his shirt undone and a bra-clad Amy Dumas on top of him, Edge walked in.  He said, "Mmmm, mmmm, mmm.  You like that Show?"  (JG Note:  Ewww….on so many levels.)  Copeland tells the Giant to team with him in order to get his Happy Ending from the Magical Redheaded Ho.  Show says no go.  He goes so far as to tell Adam that he wants to beat his ass right here and now, but he'll wait till he wins the Rumble to do that.  In closing, Showster quotes what he calls an old saying, "Pimps up!  Hos down!"  Uh ok.  I guess they say that at the Playa's Ball.  Happy ballin' , Pimp Show.  Holla, ya Poot-Put.

Meanwhile, in other parts of the locker room, Trish is stretching.  Mickie James shows up and demands answers.  What up?!  Why are you teaming with Ashley tonight?!  You like her better than Mickie?!  Do you?!  What the f*ck!?  What the f*ck!?  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!  James finally breaks down in tears before shutting down altogether and coming to grips with the fact that she needs to accept that Stratus will do whatever she wants to do.  Sketchy statements reign supreme as MJ takes her leave.

Still to come:  HBK vs. Shelton Benjamin, Trish and Ahsley vs. Candice and Victoria.  Then…

Commercial Break.  "Jill, we traced the call.  It's coming from inside your house.  It's your father…and he's been drinking!"  Oooo.  Scary.

John Coachman has a big announcement.  He's going to the Royal Rumble.  Awww yeah.  There's only one Coach and there's only one spot.  That spot is going to the Coach.  Coach - Spot.  Spot - Coach.  Got it?  Good.

Not so fast, Mini-Maven.  You ain't going to the Rumble without a fight from your grandfather.  That's right.  Jerry Lawler ain't letting that happen.  You want a RR shot, you gotta earn it.  Get in the ring.  Bring it on.  Step up.  And, in closing, bring the pain, bitch.

Cocahman mulls over this challenge and says no.  After some needling from Uncle Jerry, he finally agrees.  Lawler wants to "get it on" right here in North Carolina.  Once the Coach realizes that the King isn't talking about sex, he agrees.  It's on.

2) Trish Stratus and Ashley defeated Candice and Victoria when Asheley pinned Victoria.

It's hard to take the female division seriously when there's six women in it.  How many variations of Torrie, Candice, Victoria, Ashley, Trish, Mickie can they do?  It's getting tiring.  Also, as much as I've liked the effort put into the Mickie-Status feud, it's not getting a strong reaction, mostly due to the way females (JG Note:  Lita) are portrayed.  Not only that, but James wasn't exactly winning any Golden Globes in that last skit.  This one closes out with Ashley Version Not Learning From Mistakes scoring a pinfall on Vickie before being ambushed by you-know-who.

Mickie James arrives and goes nuts.  She ravages Ash with punches and kicks while Startus pulles her away.  That doesn't last long as Mickie breaks free and pegs Ashley in the chest with a kick.  Now that's a girl you take home to mama.  Speaking of mama…

Mama Benjamin is humming her hymns and cleaning out the locker room.  When I say cleaning, I mean she's going through the bags in the locker room.  That's right.  Most likely sent by Johnny Ace, Mama Thea tells her son that things should be nice and clean.  Now what's the matter, Shelton?  Tell your mama!  Benji "aw gees" his way through the explanation that Shawn Michaels called him a "mama's boy" earlier.  Although his gimmick is that of a mama's boy, it's coming off more like he's brain damaged.   Apparently Shelly had his feelings hurt by the born again Boy Toy.  He's just jealous and bitter, son.  He knows that you gonna whip his behind!  To this, Shelt says that if Shawn's mama were there, his mama would "whip her behind too!"  (JG Note: Dear God, no.) 

Commercial Break.  The Fog rolls in on DVD.  You can't see it.  You know, cause of all the fog.

Billy Graham is in the audience.  That's an interesting thought….

Before the match began, Mr. McMahon stumbled into town.  He declared that if Shawnathan doesn't win this match then he doesn't go to the Royal Rumble.  Sucks to be you.  That is all.

3) Shawn Michaels pinned Shelton Benjamin with a roll-up

Shelton Benjamin can wrestle.  Make no mistake.  Well, actually we don't make that mistake.  Most people remember that.  What they don't remember is that while the character of Mama Benjamin is entertaining, it’s not conducive for good character development with Shelton.  Bottom line is that a wrestler needs a hook.  He has to be a tough guy.  If he's not and he's a bitch wrestler, then he has to have some sort of crazy streak.  Benji can cry to mommy all day long.  As long as he goes nuts and attacks opponents while screaming, it's all good.  He can be a bitch for days as long as he's an animal in the ring.  Sadly, he's just a bitch.  That's the gimmick.  I said it before and I’ll say it again.  Mom Thea is funny, but we're not selling soup here.  We're selling a wrestler.  In the end, Michaels thwarted interference from Big Momma and reversed a rollup to score the victory.  Despite good wrestling, this one had the same feel that most of Benji's recent matches have.  Good wrestling overshadowed by a comedy mother character.  People are paying more attention now that Shelton's mama is here.  They're just not paying attention to him.  After the bell, Benjamin cried.  You would too.

Edge is begging someone off-camera to team with him.  He prefaces it by saying that their partnership would be unbeatable.  Not just that, but it would be the first time he ever teamed with…the Game Triple H!  The camera pans back to reveal Sideburns McGameface who agrees to mull over a decision. 

Oh and uh, by the way…

Smackdown May 16, 2002 Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho defeated Edge and Triple H.

Commercial Break.  You know, before they had Smoothie Skittles, kids had no choice but to hack off their hands and replace them with mixers.  Why in my day, we were bloody stumped mixing machines, but damnit - we were proud!

Shawn Michaels is cooling down in the locker room when he's confronted by Vince McMahon.  Big Mac has an evil look in his eyes and he's talking like Ken Kaniff from Connecticut.  He gives HBK the a hard time and finally sends him over the edge.  What the f*ck, man?!  What is your issue?!  Michaels questions the chairman and is answered.  Seems that VKM wants to bring the biz back to the good old days.  He wants to make everything an all night party again.  Oh yeah.  He wants to bring back the days of - get this - "sex, drugs, and rock and roll."  He wants to party with you, Shawny.  He wants you to be the - get this - "pill-popping son-of-a-bitch."  (JG Note:  I hope the federal government doesn't have cable.)  He asks the Pill Popping Boy Toy to  pop some more of them pills with him, but gets an answer he doesn't want.  The Dude with Attitude shoots down the boss and is swiftly dealt with.  Come the Rumble, Mr. McMahon is going to take care of you - once and for all.  This was an uncomfortable skit.  Shawn sort of stared into space while Vince, with a raspy phone-sex voice, begged HBK to party with him. 

"Say Shawn, wanna party with me?  Haven't you played the loving husband long enough?  Get over here and give Uncle Vince some sweet lap music.  Oh yeah!  I wanna bang me a Rocker!  Shhhhhaaaaaaaaaaazam!"

Commercial Break.  Order the Royal Rumble.  Joey Styles "can't wait" for the Boogeyman against JBL.  No bullshit.  He really can't.

4) Royal Rumble Qualifier: John Coachman pinned Jerry Lawler

Nothing to this match at all.  Zero.  Nothing.  It was in slow motion.  There was no need for it.  It was all to introduce the Spirit Squad.  Five guys from OVW operating in one stable as male cheerleaders.  The Natural Born Thrillas Cheerleaders consists of some talented guys (Ken Doane, Nick Berk, Jeter).  Yet with such a lackluster show, something like this comes off desperate.  The audience didn't respond well at all.  When they first ran out, it looked like it could be something.  Then the silence set in.  I would give anything to see Stephanie's face when something like this plays out to blank stares on TV.  I mean, it's painful for me to watch and I didn't even write the friggin' thing.  Speaking of painful, Coachman's going to the Rumble.

Commercial Break.  Order the Rumble.  John Coachman's in it.  See?  Knew that was money.

John Coachman is gloating and claims not to know who the cheerleaders were.  Lawler doesn't appear pleased.  Having him sit side by side and call color with the guy he just wreslted makes Jerry Lawler look like a douche.  There's nothing more to really say on that.

5) Over the Top Rope Challenge:  Big Show defeated Rob Conway, Gregory Helms, and Lance Cade

Squish.  Squash.  Over the top.  Why can't we create young talent?  Squishy.  Squashy.  Goo.  Cue Hunter.

The Game appears.  He has a microphone in hand.  Time to chip away at Edge.

"I hate to disappoint you, big man, you're not gonna win the Royal Rumble.  And I hate to disappoint all 28 other guys who are gonna be in there cause they're not gonna win the Royal Rumble either.  That honor is reserved for me.  Last but not least tonight, I hate to disappoint Edge, but I have to - Edge, you're on your own, kid.  I'm not gonna team with you tonight cause quite frankly, I'm done taking charity cases.  I got rid of the last charity case attached to me two months ago.  I'm done creating stars.  People stand by my side and bask in my glory while they try to make something for themselves.  Now, it's for me.  I am gonna win the Royal Rumble.  I am going to WrestleMania to compete for the WWE Championship and it's not gonna matter if it's Edge.  It's not gonna matter if it's Cena.  Whoever has that championship is gonna step in the ring with the measuring stick of this industry.  They are gonna step in this ring with the greatest wrestler alive today - the Game.  And mark my words, at WrestleMania, the King of Kings goes back on his thrown."
Triple H, 10:52pm

Right.  I love this guy.  Charity cases. 

Edge is backstage and he's concerned over his partner choice.  Lita offers to give him an old fashioned Gurgle Slurp, but he claims to be too preoccupied to focus.  Suddenly, the door swings open and they both look up.  No way!  No f*ckin' way!  Why didn't Adam think of you sooner?  Who?  Well, you'll have to wait until after the break.  You don't think it could be…?

Commercial Break.  Moral:  Eat Whoppers and be able to play football.  Also, you'll become a king.

6) John Cena and Ric Flair defeated Edge and Chris Masters when Cena forced Masters to submit  Oooo surprise!  Ric Flair and Chris Masters!  You didn't see that coming, did you?  You did?  Oh.  Well, the match was pretty good, but overall nothing special.  Flair did his thing and did it well as always.  In fact, he handled most of the match, only tagging to John so he could come in and slap on an STF.  Masters tapped and the Nature Doctors of Horsemanomics get the win.

The duo celebrate as we fade to black.

All in all…not bad.  They can do better.  They can do worse.

The show was OK and had some good moments tossed throughout.

John Cena's opening promo was more good than bad.  Nowadays, that's a good thing.  He has to watch his tendency to become a proverbial dancing bear and focus on being hardcore.  There’s a fine line between Eminem and Snow.  In-for-mer….

What makes Ric Flair amazing is that he's past his prime, yet still able to earn respect.  Unlike guys like Hogan and Piper who people were throwing "please retire" buttons at during WCW's final days, Flair can still go.  In a high profile position, he's excelled.  Tonight's show being held in Charlotte certainly added to Ric's ovation, but wasn't the reason for it.  Naitch is big time over.  No two ways about it.

He looks like he's falling apart.  His life is a mess.  He's had his personal tragedies spalashed all over the airwaves.  Yet, he's still the Man.  I don't care what anyone says.  That's pretty cool. 

Benjamin is overshadowed by his mama.  Sure he's getting a new character out of all this.  The problem?  The new character sucks.  What good is that?

Triple H worries me with his speeches.  Then again, as fans of Raw, we should all know to keep our mouths shut and just take it.  What's going to happen is going to happen.  He shares a bus with the woman making the decisions.  We should just accept that.

I liked tonight's show for the most part. Then again, we're heading into the highpoint of the year.  Rumble to Mania is always the prime time for wrestling fans.  Hopefully this one will be one to remember.  Wow.  How's that for positive?

Check back tomorrow for the announcement of this week's guest on Radio Free I nsanity.  Also look around at all the changes we've made to the site and try to beat World War Insanity .  Until next time, Be Well!

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