Originally Published January 24, 2005
WWE signs Steve Austin to Three Movie Deal
STAMFORD, Conn.--(BUSINESS WIRE)----In keeping with its expansion as a global entertainment company, Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment
® and Stone Cold Steve Austin
™ have come to an agreement for a three-picture deal under the WWE Films
Deciding on what films to use Mr. Austin for was quite the task. WWE
® has come to realize that today's audience has short attention spans and even shorter memories. That is why Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment
® has decided to cast Stone Cold Steve Austin
™ in three films that already have immediate name recognition. For the first time ever, WWE
® would like to unveil the titles, artwork, and concepts for all of Mr. Austin's future projects.
As one of the most profitable movies in modern times, Titanic had it all. There was intrigue, suspense, romance, and desperation. However, most people will tell you that there was one thing missing from it. That thing was a beer-drinking Rattlesnake that don't take any guff from anyone. Finally, see the epic love story the way it was meant to be seen - without the kid from Growing Pains. Steve Austin is Jack Dawson. If you wanna see him get the girl…then give me a Hell's Yeah!
Scene from Titanic 3:16:
Rose: Jack, I want you to draw me like your French girls.
Stone Cold: What?
Rose: Like one of your French girls. You know, like you painted.
Stone Cold: What?
Rose: Uh, French girls. Paint me like one.
Stone Cold: What? What? What? Shaddup!
With scenes that were too bad-ass for the original
Stone Cold: I'm king of the World - what? - the World - what? - the Planet - what? - the Earth - what? - the globe -what? - the big blue ball that orbits the sun - what? - Hey, Rose, you think you're getting that raft? Eh eh! Gimme that thing. Ol' Stone Cold Jack, don't drown for no one. And that's the Bottom Line cause, uh, Jack Dawson… or whatever, says so!
Steve Austin - Pet Detective
Who better to help solve your animal mysteries than the Rattlesnake himself? With all the slapstick zany comedy of the first film without the In Living Color guy, Steve Austin - Pet Detective shows the world that comedy can feel like a Stone Cold Stunner. Join Steve as he tries to locate the stolen mascot of the XFL's Birmingham Thunderbolts - Bolty the Bear. Who has taken Bolty? What does he want? Where can he be? Only one man can solve that riddle. Why? 'Cause Austin 3:16 says Allllll-righty Then!
Scene from Steve Austin - Pet Detective:
Stone Cold: Well, Alll-righty then! Look at me. Look at me. I'm doing goofy sh*t with my face and stuffin' asparagus up my nose. Jesus Christ, son. That's funny. Give me a Hell's Yeah!
Melissa: Oh Steve, you're so crazy.
Stone Cold: What do you mean by that? You think ol' Stone Cold is crazy?
Melissa: Ha ha. I just mean that you're kind of…
Stone Cold: Ha ha? Who you laughin' at? Look in my eyes. You best wipe that smile off your face before I break your head open. There can't be no other way!
Melissa: That line isn't in the script…
Stone Cold: Waaa! Waaaa! That line isn't in the script! Waaa! Waaa! You're pathetic!
Harry Potter and the Can of Whoop Ass
Welcome to another great year at Hogwarts. As Harry Potter and his friends return for another school session, they learn that there's a new Ass Kicking Magic Teacher - Stone Cold. With so many enemies ready to harm Harry, Hermoine, and Ron, will the Texas RattleWitch be able to help them?
Scene from Harry Potter and the Can of Whoop Ass:
Ron: Professor Austin, I can't get my spell to work. Can you help me?
Stone Cold: I'll help'ya. I'll stomp a mud hole in ya' and walk it dry. Let ol' Stone Cold just clear his throat and then sing ya' a song about it. Ehhh Hehhh Hehhh Hehhh…
Ron: But I…
Stone Cold: Shaddup. Look atcha. With your stupid little wand. Your stupid little head. Eh eh! You know who I am? What? I said, you know who I am? I'm Steve Austin. I'm your teacher. I'm a witch. See my witch hat? Booooo! Booooo! Look at me, I'm a scary witch.
Hermoine: Mister Austin, ghosts say boooo. You're a witch.
Stone Cold: Yes. I am a witch and you? You're a dead woman!
Experience the magic and excitement as Steve joins Harry for his final battle.
Harry Potter: Mister Austin….! I can't stop Lord Voldemort. You need to cast the spell of power.
Stone Cold: OK…uh…
Harry Potter: Wave your wand and yell "Lingardioso Berlisimo!"
Stone Cold: Lingo bingo whammo shammo!
Harry Potter: No, it's Lingardioso…
Stone Cold: Hickery Dickery Dock, you stupid little bastard. Don't tell Stone Cold what to do. No one tells Stone Cold what to do! I'm fixing to snap you like a twig - bam - just like that! There can't be no other way! Voldy, he's all yours. Kill this jackass. I'm gonna go toss back a six pack of witch's beer, or whatever, and then fly my broom into things. So 'ere's ta ya!
You know the old saying. Go with what works. Speaking of work, will Triple H's plan to hold off Batista from leaving Evolution work? Does Edge have a surprise in store for Canada's favorite, uh - nothing, Shawn Michaels? Was Kane alright? Well, actually he wasn't. He was pretty banged up. However, it was very polite and courteous for Gene Snitsky to ask him…while he was supposed to be playing dead…after going through a table…on Cable. Points for being so caring, Gene. Demerits for everything else. So it goes, kids. Let's just buckle up and get ready to watch the show with the overrun that will make countless people's Tivos miss the end of the Ultimate Fighter…Monday Night Raw!
Recap of the rapist and the baby killer going through a fake table and then having a conversation.
Raw Theme Plays. They should do a Brady Bunch opening sequence with all the boxes. Only instead of different faces, the faces all around the edge should be Triple H. Then to top it all off, in the middle where Alice usually pops up, we should have….wait for it…an even
bigger picture of Triple H. Come on. You're loving it. You dig it. Admit it.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are kickin' it live at the announce table and they're all warm and mushy over tonight's show. It's Randy Orton meeting Ric Flair and then an update on Steve Austin. Grab your mirrored chaps and LaBatt Blue, because we're about to get things rolling.
Hehe, hey Jericho. Click click daclickclick.
Ha ha! Good one, Crippler. Clicky clicky clicky colicky.
Uh, Benoit, Jericho? What are you guys talking about? I'm teaming with you both. You shouldn't keep secrets.
Sorry, Shawn. We're just speaking our top-secret Canadian language. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. You're not Canadian. Why don't you just keep your mouth shut? You're on thin ice, you know. As Canadians, we get a big reward if we kill you.
(1) Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, & Shawn Michaels defeated Tyson Tomko, Christian, & Edge when Benoit pinned Tomko I don't know if I would have opened the show with this match. Considering the lack of wrestling for a good amount of the upcoming broadcast, you'd think that they'd wedge this in between other segments. I know that Shawn, Benoit, and Jericho needed to work the match after the cameras stopped rolling, but it kind of threw off the flow of the evening. The match itself was good, though. The crowd was loud from the start and reacted to many moments in this one. Despite being the one pinned by Benoit following a Superkick from HBK, Tomko still benefited most from this match. If you're going to be put into a match with five of WWE's performers, these are the five to go in with. After the bell, Edge bounced from the scene while Kid Heartbreak stared him down.
Smackdown Rewind. Remember how people used to fight for titles? Now they fight for the honor of Diva Search losers. Thank God. Titles were so boring. While we're at it, maybe we can replace the ring ropes with BubbleTape. Mmmmm….BubbleTape.
Stacy Kiebler is on her way to the ring and she has a surprise for Jim Ross. (JG Note: Uh oh. Let's hope it's not a long legged infant with a love for barbeque and cowboy hats.)
Commercial Break. On March 6th "the Road to WrestleMania 21 runs through the Nassau Coliseum." It's one of their last stops on the road to Mania. So if you have to pee, you better go now.
Clip of Hulk Hogan on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It was sad to hear about Carson's passing this past week. Jim Ross calls him "the greatest of all time." For once on Raw, JR isn't exaggerating. Johhny was in a class all his own.
Stacy Kiebler is in the ring and she tells us all that tonight is J.R. Day in Oklahoma! To help celebrate this event, we have
with us. Hodge, also known around town as the "Telephone Book Guy," stands center-ring with Kiebs as she announces the Boomer Sooner. Jim Ross leaves his oversexed broadcast colleague and heads to the ring. The crowd is on its feet as we revisit the footage from the day's festivities.
Recap of Jim Ross Day Festivities Events include:
Proclamation from Oklahoma Governor, Ross Speech, Autograph Signing, Potato Sack Races, Spin the Bottle, Kill the Man with the Ball Tournament, and Dwarf Tossing
Jim Ross gets a cheek kiss from Miss Hancock, who is a cheek kissing bandit lately. He takes the microphone and expresses his heartfelt happiness. His only regret is that his parents can't see it. My only regret is that Triple H then comes out.
Uh, Mr. Helmsley…you're on.
I'm on? I'm on? On what? What are you saying I'm on?! I'm not on anything! I work out a lot. That's it! That's why I have big muscles! Read my book, you son-of-a…
No, sir, I mean "you're on." You know, like "you're on next."
Oh…never mind. My mistake. Whatever. You're fired anyway.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley is here with his sunglasses on his head, pushing his hair back like a beret. He takes the microphone and mocks how emotional the moment is. Always so amazing with his choice of similes, Trips treats us to this…
"Oklahoma celebrating J.R. Day. That is like crap telling puke it smells good."
- Triple H, 9:34PM
(JG Note: Uh...yeah. For starters, I feel like I'm 10. Secondly, crap can't talk…well, unless it's magic crap, like Mr. Hanky or something. Although I'm fairly sure that he's not real. He's just a cartoon. Hmmm. We learned something here today. Triple H's crap talks to him. News at 11.) Captain Craptalker calls the audience losers for celebrating Ross. He and Ric Flair laugh about the woes of the Sooners and throw them in JR's face. Listen here, Okies. You want something to celebrate? How about Triple H Day? Huh? How about a day for the 10 Time World Heavyweight Champion? (JG Note: We already have a Triple H Day. It's called Monday.) With that, Gameboy sends Jim and "Father Time" Danny Hodge out of the ring. However, Stacy is instructed to stay behind. Helmsley grabs her by the arm and makes himself clear.
Listen, Kiebler. Trippy has some ish to discuss with you. However, before he can, Jim Ross steps in between them. Hunter tells him to back off, but Ross responds that he can't. Although the H Man can beat Jimmy's butt, this has to be done. As a man, JR needs to defend the old Nitro Girl. Trips is nonplussed. He tells Rossy that if he stays in the ring, he'll be dead…sooner than later. With that, the Nature Boy hits him with a low blow.
Then, in one of the most unexpected and funniest things I've ever seen in my life, little old Danny Hodge walks up to Hunter, grabs him on the shoulder, and punches him in the face. Seriously, I rewound it like four times. He's immediately jumped by Flair, who beats him down with Helmsley's assistance. (JG Note: This is probably the first time in years that Ric has fought someone older than he was.) After smashing Hodge into the mat, H and Naitch turn their attention back to Kiebler. Where's Helmsley's kiss? Huh? You kissed Randy Orton last week. Now you're gonna pucker up for the owner's son-in-law. You know what… on second thought, maybe you should get a Pedigree.
Before Hunter can slam her down to the mat with his patented maneuver, Randy runs from the back. His music doesn't play and the crowd responds mildly. We end with Orton tending to Stacy while Ric and Trips leave the scene. Good segment, flat ending. WWE has a thing for building up an intriguing in-ring confrontation, ending it on an uninspiring note, and then going to commercial.
Commercial Break. Starburst has a new commercial aimed towards the ever-elusive "stalkers that make candy sculptures" demographic.
Triple H and the second-oldest guy in the building are walking through the backstage hallway. Hunter takes time to grope Candace Michelle, who is shocked and appalled. (JG Note: Why? Isn't that what she was hired for?) They laugh and go back to their dressing room where Dave Batista is chillin' like a soon-to-turn villain. The H Man tells Tista the whole story of beating up Ross, Hodge, and Stacy. This story doesn't please Dave. He is shocked that they would hurt an elderly man and a frail woman. He seems annoyed at the whole story. In fact, there's something else you need to know, Mr. Stephanie. Davey B has decided to go for that Royal Rumble qualifying match. Why? Well, we need to keep that title in Evolution, right? OK. Let's say Randy Orton wins the strap on Sunday. As far fetched as that may seem, it could happen. If that goes down, we need a contingency plan. Tista could win the Rumble and then win the gold back at Mania for you. Good? Good? Tripper looks displeased as Deacon Dave rushes off to see the fuzzy little GM.
Fuzzy Little GM Eric Bischoff is trying to wrap his rapidly aging head around William Regal's request to enter the Royal Rumble. How can you ask for a favor, Willie? After all, you were supposed to screw over Eugene some time ago, but instead defied Eric's word and fathered him. Now you want a favor? Well, no go. Instead the Rumble spot is going to the Coach. Coachman, happy as a school girl on crack, goes off to take care of that "other thing." He leaves and La Résistance enter.
Exit John Coachman. Enter the French Canadians.
Rob Conway and Sylvan Grenier inquire about their shot at the Rumble. What up with that? Where's their chance? Bischoff seems surprised. You two are tag champs! Grenier responds and it's pretty damn funny.
"Yeah, but we go both ways."
- Sylvan Grenier, 9:47pm
This wasn't a funny accidental ad-lib. It was actually put in specifically for Sylvan to say. Easy E looks shocked for a moment and Conway clarifies that this means they wrestle both tag and singles matches. However, this request is short lived. Batista breaks into the area and tries to cut the Resisters in line. The Both-way Boys come up with a plan. How about if they face Tista for the Rumble spot? The winner or winners go to the pay-per-view. Sound good, Bisch? Sleazy E isn't too fond of the idea, but concedes because…well, he can't think of any other ideas. (JG Note: That's not fair. Technically, he
can think of his own ideas, but as history has shown us they all involve either Dennis Rodman, Jay Leno, or some different color combination version of the N.W.O.) After the match is made, the evil French Canadians swear they will cap it off by sticking their flag in Dave's throat. He replies that if he wins, he will plant the flag in a very uncomfortable place.
What? Like the backseat of a Volkswagen?
No, not there. Let's see. How can I put this? He threatens to give them the Heidenreich Salute, if you get my meaning.
Commercial Break. Boogeyman is coming to theaters. I told my baby cousin that. Now he's scared to go to the movies ever again.
John Coachman is center-ring. He's got a big announcement, people! It concerns a special Royal Rumble qualifying match. The rules are different, though. It's an over-the-top rope challenge between Tajiri…and Viscera! Wow! Thanks, Coach!
Viscera defeated Tajiri in an Over-the-Top-Rope Challenge to qualify for the Royal Rumble Viscera loses every week and the fans don't care about him. Why? Well, for starters, he has no character. He's portrayed as Fat Albert with a Mohawk and a leather jacket. What else? Hmmm. What else? Well, he loses to everyone. That hurts him too. Well, it might be good for Tajiri to go over him. While Vis is treated like a jobber, it might be a smart move to put the Japanese Buzzsaw over him. He's one guy that might benefit from a win over a giant monster. This match might serve some good, after all. Oh wait, Viscera won. Never mind.
Recap of the Lita/Kane-Trish/Snitksy thing…again. You know, in case your forgot. Kind of like how Lita forgot that Kane forced her into marriage. You know, like when Kane forgot how he was trapped in a fire as a kid but has no burns. You know, like…oh, you get the point.
Commercial Break. Ultimate Fighting is serious business. Just ask Shaq.
Backstage the Queen Bubblehead, Maria, stops Tajiri. She asks him how he feels about losing his spot in the Royal Rumble. He responds in Japanese, yet still seems to have a firmer grasp of English than the woman with the microphone does. William Regal suddenly appears and reunites with his former partner. Willie has a plan. Come, Yoshihiro, let us discuss it. Before leaving, Regal asks Maria if she has a question for him. When she says "no," he calls her a "tart." However, she hears him and calls him out on it. Caught by his words, Reegs backpedals. Nice, Maria. If this was ten years ago, Lord William would have peed on you for that.
(3) Batista defeated La Résistance after pinning them both This match illustrates something about wrestling that I'm just not happy with. How can you put one man over your tag team champs? I don't care who it is. You shouldn't job out your tag titleholders to one person. You can have a regular old team take a one-on-two beat down from a monster now and then, but not tag champs. That's just a dumb move. I don't think this decision will be catastrophic for WWE's future. I just think it shows how the company doesn't realize the role that tag wrestling should play in the big picture. Sure. I care about William Regal and the guy that lost to Viscera teaming up to challenge the guys that got sodomized by Batista. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention what happened after Dave spinebustered Conway onto Grenier for the pin? Oh. Listen to this one…
Triple H and Ric Flair are watching on a backstage monitor. That's fine. That's normal. What's not normal is Deacon Dave Batista's celebration habits (JG Note: Thank you to VIP Member SuperClerk for finding
). Seems that when Dave says "I'm gonna stick a flag up your ass," he's not just talking smack. You know how some people just say things to say them? Mr. Batista doesn't. With Rob Conway laying ass-up over his partner Sylvain Grenier, the tag wrestler that said he "goes both ways," Batista thrusts the flagpole between his legs, causing it to stand straight up. Something tells me that Deacon Dave is getting a Thank You card written in French. The camera angle made it seem like he really put it up there. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler sold it like he did. Just when most wrestling fans have gotten over that stupid non-fans comment, "Oh you like watching men in their underwear rolling around," WWE starts writing storylines about men sticking things in other men's butts. Splendid.
Commercial Break. If you buy a Toyota Corrola, you can save enough money to construct a huge billboard of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend naked. Wow. I hadn't even thought of that. This is kind of like the Optimum Online commercial that showed the man who discovered he had a life-threatening illness by using their "high speed connection." Remember when they used to just sell the product? Me either.
Special Features from the Best of Muhammad Hassan DVD: Blooper Reel
You know, this country has always been fair to me. But ever since 9/11, people look the other way! They pretend not to be prejudish... Oh crap. Ah hah ha ha! Did I say prejudish? Haha! Oh, Shawn did I say prejudish? Ah! Where's my head? Prejudish! Hahaha! Can we just roll again? Sorry guys. That was my bad. Let's just roll again. We'll just take it from 9/11. OK? Ready…
(4) Muhammad Hassan defeated Val Venis after the Downward Spiral Before the bell, Val Venis was chastised by Shawn Daivari in Farsi, who I could only imagine was making fun of Val's bald head. Seriously, he's like totally bald. It's almost distracting. He's sort of like if Mr. Clean became a porn star. This match was more of Hassan showcase and allowed Daivari to scream through the match on the house mic, which was actually a lot better than it sounds. Not much to the match though. Muhammad is in the Royal Rumble and both Ross and Lawler are worried about what would happen to the course of the company if the MuMan wins the Rumble. I'd be devastated. Like most of you, I'm pulling for Viscera. By the way, just a reminder from the announce team - Hassan and Daivari do not represent all Arab-Americans. Of course not. They just represent what Vince McMahon thinks they're all like.
Ric Flair is totally head-over-heels, crazy-in-love with David Batista's arms. He goes buck over the sight and Triple H walks in on this strange locker room love fest. Tell you what, boys, Hunter thought over what you said. He thought over the whole Evolution representin' in the Rumble thing. There was one spot left and Hunter convinced Eric Bischoff to give it to a man that doesn't even need to qualify, Ric Flair. (JG Note: You can't tell me that Trips doesn't have some power there. Anyone that can convince Eric Bischoff to give Ric Flair something is pretty friggin' impressive in my book. Think about it. Yesterday
he wants his family to go bankrupt and starve
, today he gives him a Royal Rumble spot. Vince McMahon and WWE - Bringing people together since 2002). What? What about Randy Orton, Gamy? Shouldn't the Evolvers focus on killing him? That ain't nuttin, Naitch. Trippy reasons that if Tista is bounced from the Rumble, Flair can pick up the slack and come through. Everybody plays. Everybody wins. Tonight it's about Ort, though. Flair's going to pound that punk. At this point, Ric goes nuts and starts clawing at the sleeves of his shirt and screaming "Orton's going down!" He then looks at his arms, turns bright red, and says "What's causing all this?" I'm 100% sure that I don't want to know what the hell "this" was. Let's talk strategy, boys. With that, Hunter outstretches his arms and pulls both his partners into a huddle. Actually, they could have been kissing. I don't know. They got close, let's just leave it at that. After that La Resistance thing, nothing would surprise me.
Commercial Break. Buy
on DVD February 1st. It makes a hell of a Groundhog's Day Present.
Oh look, more bald people. This time it's Maven. He's got a microphone and addresses the crowd about tonight's great news. It seems that N.W.O. Eric Bischoff has given Mave another shot at the Royal Rumble. He can call out any of the current Rumble qualified wrestlers and challenge them for their spot. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross - for the first time in history - question the logic. Who the hell would do this?
Did someone say hell?
Ding ding ding
Kane is here and he's all sorts of messed up after last week. In fact, it looks like it just happened. He's all beaten up and half limping. He can't heal in seven days? Maven begs off. He didn't mean you, Kane. He challenged anyone
but you. Come on, Red. Ease up. Mave doesn't want to end up dead, baby.
Did someone say dead baby?
Ding ding ding
Gene Snitsky heals at the same rate as Kane. He's all bandaged up and bruised. It's really over-the-top. Both of the walking wounded stand in the ring with Mave while Lillian Garcia talks to the ref. She then informs us all that this will be a three way match. It's the half-dead married monster versus the half-dead baby-killer with the big head versus the Tough Enough 1 winner that didn't get fired.
(5) Kane defeated Gene Snitsky and Maven in a three way match via pinfall over Maven This match was ridiculous. Kane and Snitty looked like cartoon characters that just got blown up with dynamite. You can tell that the visual was supposed to be effective, but it was just silly. Kane escaped from a fire without one burn, yet he can't walk straight one week after putting Gene through the same table that Bubba Ray Dudley put Mae Young through without being hurt at all? The match had one message. It was a pure message. It was something to take away from the show with you. In a nutshell, the message is: Maven sucks. That's it. The "I Lose All the Time" gimmick only works if you're playing it off like you're going insane because of it. Otherwise, you're just the momo that gets beat all the time. That's not good. The idea is to be the opposite. You want to be the guy that wins all the time. What's even worse is that even with the Big Red Machine and Snitz half-dead, we still were told that Maven should fear for his life. When he lost, it wasn't a shock. The Big Bruised Machine hit a choke slam on him and scored the three count. Just another day at the office. (JG Note: Somewhere Daniel Puder is thinking
"They're gonna pay me a million bucks to do that?")
Up next: An update on the Pet Detective.
Commercial Break. Will Smith helps the King of Queens get ladies in the new movie "Hitch." What about DJ Jazzy Jeff? He can't help out? He's too good for the
King of Queens?
Christ Hemme is shooting a t-shirt gun at the crowd. I'd estimate that she's getting paid about $1,000 a shirt. Glad they found something for the Diva Search girl to do. She's got personality, but they have absolutely no idea what to have her do. Shooting the shirt gun, fighting with pillows, ring-announcing - that's what she does for a quarter million dollars. They might as well have put that $250,000 in the t-shirt gun and shot it into the crowd.
Clips of Stone Cold press conference. The Rattlesnake is coming back to WWE, which means they'll say nice things about him again.
Taz and Michael Cole sell the Smackdown side of the Royal Rumble while Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler sell the Raw side. The Rumble is always one of the year's best events. Hopefully this year won't be any different. With only 90 seconds between entrants this year, it has potential to be pretty rushed. We'll see, Stay positive. I'm sure we'll get a great show. I said
smile, god damnit! Smile!
Edge is standing by with the Funky Fresh Grishmeister Extraordinaire to the tenth power, Todd Grisham. Grishy asks the E-Man about his new found bitter attitude. On Edge, Adam Copeland tells Grish that he will emerge victorious this Sunday over anyone.
Randy Orton is on his way to the ring, if anyone cares.
Commercial Break. The Ultimate Fighter is up next. There's nothing like a reality show where the contestants get to beat each other up at the end every week. It's why I liked that Next Great Champ. Imagine if Donald Trump fired the contestants by beating them senseless. How cool would that be?
Attention WWE viewer. Please stay tuned for an important announcement…Chris Masters has big muscles. Thank you. That is all.
(5) Randy Orton pinned Ric Flair after an RKO I still can't get used to Ric Flair being portrayed as the equal to men half his age. Look, Mr. Fuji was a wrestler at one time. He fought them all. Then, one day, he looked too old to be in the ring and became a manager. After that, he didn't get offense anymore. Once in a blue moon, he'd wrestle and get a few kicks in after his guys did the dirty work. This was true for Captain Lou, Freddie Blassie, and so many other former wrestlers that took a spot in a client's corner. It worked because they didn't look the part anymore. They shouldn’t be scoring offensive moves on young stars. It doesn't make the younger wrestler look good and it doesn't make the aging wrestler look good. Why? Well, if Orton loses, then he's the guy who lost to the older wrestler. If Orton wins, big deal. He beat an old guy. It's also not good for Flair. There was a time when you could hear a wrestler say "I once beat Ric Flair," and it would mean something. Now, you can throw a rock into the lockeroom and hit three guys that beat Ric Flair. I can't imagine how this is a good thing for anyone. This match followed some pretty weird logic at one point. Randy was tripped by Triple H at ringside. He stumbled, griped, and went back after the Nature Boy. After a few seconds, the referee came over and asked Batista and H who had done the deed. He would have
but instead went with Dave as the culprit. Why? Well, Trippy made a look that implied guilt on the Deacon's part. For some reason, although he didn't see who had done it, the ref bounced Dave from ringside. What ref waits so long after an illegal move before calling it? What ref takes the word of the brand's top heel? What ref tosses someone from ringside for doing something he didn't see? Weird. David stares a hole through Triple H, who doesn't move to stop the referee from doing this. As he leaves, the two lock eyes. Not in the way that Batista locks eyes with Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier, that's special. He locks eyes in a mean way. We hit a commercial to give Dave time to hit the bricks.
Commercial Break. My TV is fuzzy. Did the M&M Commercial fine print tell me that I
should try to balance a washing machine on my nose? OK then. I better hurry up and finish this report.
We're back and Ric Flair is still alive. Not only is he alive, but he finds a way to bust open Randy Orton. JR tells me that last night he got stitches, so I'm not so impressed by it anymore. Hunter interjects himself numerous times at ringside and it appears as though the Legend Killer is on his way to another loss. However, it's the H Man that leads to this problem too. The ref is down and Ric slaps his patented Figure Four on Ort. Unwilling to let Naitch finish the youngster on his own, Trips runs in proceeds to pound away on Randall's knee. All looks lost when Flair holds his legs while the Cerebral Assassin climbs the buckles with his title. It looks like Mr. RKO is going to have his knee snapped like a Slim Jim when suddenly…he gets his foot up and kicks the Game. Trips falls and Slick Ric is kicked off. Randy gets up, hits an RKO, and scores a three count.
Triple H backs away. Orton is bloody and holding up the title. Flair is…well, rolling around. Move along. Nothing more to see here. Fade to black.
All in all... Nothing too special. Not bad, but not great.
You can put Dave Batista over a tag team. I get that. He's a monster. He can beat up two guys. Bravo. However, you shouldn't put him over your Tag Team Champions all by himself. Could you imagine some of WWE's old tag champs getting pimpslapped two-on-one against anyone? It isn't so much that this match hurts the tag division. It just shows how much care is put into the tag division. Call me crazy, but I can't really picture anyone - Andre the Giant included - beating up Demolition and then sticking a flag up Smash's ass.
Hi. I'm Maven. I finally have a new gimmick. I used to be the smiling good guy that gets beat up. Now I'm the frowning bad guy that gets beat up. You think I'll get my own T-shirt?
The Triple H-Jim Ross skit was well put together. At first, it seemed like the same old JR gets pummeled story, but it played out well. Ross stood up in his hometown. Danny Hodge attacks. Hunt and Ric beat up an announcer, an old man, and Stacy Kiebler. It was all done well and the reaction that Randy Orton got spoke volumes. There was no sense of "Randy Orton is gonna save the day!" It was more like "Oh look. It's Randy Orton. Yay, I guess." This guy needs a business class ticket to Smackdown quick.
The final match played out well enough. I can't help but wonder at what point Ric Flair will stop being featured as a performer equal to men half his age. While I didn't like the strange late call by the ref that eliminated Batista from ringside, I understood the point. Hunter screws over both of his boys in one match. The only problem here is that WWE could have Triple H stab Ric Flair with a number 2 pencil on Raw and I'd still expect Naitch to turn on whatever baby face saves him and rejoin Hunter. It's love. The Batista-Helmsley conflict was presented well though.
We had a good opening tag. Kane and Snitsky looked like the cartoon where Sylvester the Cat and the Dog that hates him were all bandaged up and recovering in the same hospital room together. They would fight all over that hospital. That was funny because it was a cartoon. This was silly because it's real people and…well, looked silly. Muhammad and Viscera are both going to the Royal Rumble. Altogether, this was an OK show, but nothing above and beyond the call of duty.
There you have it. No whispering at the end this week. That was disappointing. I rather enjoyed that. Anyway, I'll be back next week with some more Raw Insanity. Be well and thanks for reading.