Much like an 80-year-old man with a heart condition, I can't take any more surprises. It seems that every time I turn on WWE programming, someone is offering up the "Surprise De' Jour". The only issue I have with these weekly treats is that they are not really surprises. Last week, Eric Bischoff in all his misery revealed his big surprise to be Steve Austin's rumored return at No Way Out on February 23rd. This isn't a surprise. It's like telling someone "I have a big surprise for you!" When they question you as to what it is – you say "You might get something cool next month!" How long would you expect to continue to call that person a friend?

Well, as luck would have it – Eric Bischoff isn't anyone's friend. So, how did I combat this frustration? I bought myself an Eric Bischoff WWE Action Figure from Ebay. Each time the Bisch lets me down – I take it out on the figure. Good stuff, right? So what questions are looking for answers this week? Will Triple H's new Horsemen continue their destruction? What's next for the frustrated D-Lo Brown? Is Stacey Kiebler dead? Why does this Eric Bischoff figure have a six pack instead of a spare tire? Join the mini-Eric and me as we review, rewind, recap, and regurgitate the Monday Night tradition. Let me take you back to 8:57pm. The place: TNN. The Show: Raw. The Ratings: Well, we don't talk about that. Let's all join hands and think happy thoughts as we dissect Raw…

Recap of Triple H and his new crew with Randy Orton, Ric Flair, and Batista. He did so much to help the rest of Degeneration X go onto such wonderful things – why not join him?

Raw Theme Plays – I invented a dance to accompany it. It's similar to the "Chicken Dance" except that at the end instead of clapping – you throw up and change the channel.

Good Old Jim Ross and the King Jerry Lawler welcome me to another fun filled episode of Monday Night Raw. They hype RVD and Kane against Batista and the Game. Also, they show a graphic proclaiming "Stone Cold Steve Austin answers Bischoff tonight?" Jimbo then rewords it by saying that we'll have an update on where Austin stands regarding his return at No Way Out. Wow. Never saw them snake out of a surprise immediately after they promise it, huh? (JG Note: Austin…you want Austin? Beg. Beg. Good fans. Sit. Heel. Heel!!! Stay!!!)

Recap of the Sad Clown Jeff Hardy being a bad sport last week by attacking Rob Van Dam. (JG Note: If I could sew, I wouldn't make clothes that look like the ones he makes).

(1) Booker T pinned Jeff Hardy with a roll-up So now I don't know what the hell Jeff Hardy's supposed to be. He looks like a possessed billygoat. The match is hyped that Crazy ol Jeffitude challenged the Book. No better way to get respect then by challenging the only guy on the roster that the writers give less to than you. Although I'm cutting on the nutty little North Carolina poet, I do like where they're going with this to a certain extent. At least we're attempting to use the poorly booked Jeff's past ineptness to win any type of high profile match to build up his character now. While hyping Bischoff's 30-day trial, Good ol JR and the King trade past memories of being fired by Vince McMahon. (JG Note: Wrestling is almost cult-like, no? I mean what other company can you be fired 3-4 times by the CEO and keep coming back? Besides the Yankees…) Good match to start the show with Psycho Jeff doing a pretty good job playing the heel. The Hardly Boy scored a near fall but was rolled up in the corner for the pin.

After the bell, Booker gave the Chi-Town fans a Spinaroony. But the Hardy with eye shadow takes exception to this display of breakdancing ability and goes on the attack. He takes the T to the outside but misses with a flying something and hits the barricade. Bizzy is a good guy – so he leaves without further incident….Sucka!!!!

Guns don't kill people. Scott Steiner kills people. But regardless, Johnny the Coach wants a pow-wow with the Genetic Freak as he strolls the bowels of the All State Arena. It seems that things ain't ok with Big Poppa All-American Steiner Brother. He's heading to the ring and he's calling Triple H out. (JG Note: If I was trying to antagonize Hunter – I would never call him out. He likes that. He likes to be on camera. I'd go on the mic and say "Hunter – you don't come out here! You stay backstage!" That's what I would do. Thank you.)

Commercial Break. Pauly from the Sopranos uses Stacker 2? I'm not getting the connection here. Bubba Ray Dudley and the Big Show use it too? Do they purposely get the wrong spokespeople?

Nathan Jones promo. Good stuff – crazy gimmick. Better than the alternative choice – Nathan Jones – "The Man You Can Milk"

Cue Scott Steiner's Sirens (JG Note: Jamal runs for cover)

Freakzilla makes his way to the ring and my God this man is just freakishly huge. I've been watching Scott on TV since 1990. You'd think I'd be used to it, right? No. I guess that's where the revenue comes from. He's the only person alive that everytime I see him I'm equally as shocked as the last time I saw him. How does he buy dress shirts? I ponder in regards to his insanely humongous arms. I swear he's evolving in front of us. One day he's going to grow a tail and start barking. Well, Big Poppa Pump is going to call out the Game right now. (JG Note: Woof Woof)

It's all about the Game…seriously.

Out comes what I first thought was a buffed up Martha Stewart but ended up just being Triple H letting his hair down. Hunter wants to know what Steiner is "so hot about." You see, Gamey is better than Steiner is. According to Hunter: "I told you I was better than you and I proved it. I told you I was bigger than you and I proved it." (JG Note: I don't know where or when Hunter proved that last one to him but I'm glad they didn't show it on TV) But Helmsley isn't coming to the ring alone. Oh no. He's got him a posse. Along with Hunter you get The Batista Ass, The Randy Dogg, and Ric-Pac. Well, the Big Bad Booty Daddy asked for it and now he's gonna get it. H has sunglasses on and it's go time.

Degeneration Horsemen surround the ring and prepare to launch a full assault on Scott. But suddenly, the Genetic Mutation reaches into an ankle holster and pulls out… a pipe. (JG Note: You have the holster. You can put any weapon you want in there. You put a pipe?) With a stickball swing that would have made any city kid proud, the All American from Michigan beats Triple H's boys back to the locker room. USA! USA!

Commercial Break. I get it. Maybe it's supposed to be "Final Destination Too" You know, like…"Is this you're final destination? It's my Final Destination too!" If it's not…then it's really a stupid title.

We're back with D-Lo Brown and Deacon Frye from Amen. Coach proves once again that he's about as skilled at asking the right questions as a five year old and inquiries how D-Lo feels about facing a "super hero" in regards to his match with Hurricane Helms. Teddy Long asks Johnny C if he knows of any black superheroes. (JG Note: The Brown Hornet from Fat Albert). Teddy says that there was but one – The Black Lightning who apparently shot lightening from his ass. (JG Note: and the Brown Hornet). Well Teddy thinks that Buster Brown makes a pretty good black superhero in his own right. Yup. The power to put me to sleep. Teddy is a great mouthpiece though and I think that if D-Lo can't get over with a guy like Long talking for him – then he never will. I wish him all the best (JG Note: Now get a new outfit. Maybe that chest protector)

Stand Back…there's a main eventer mid-carder afterthought coming through…

"Cue D-Lo's New Music. You forgot his new music? I guess we have to use his old music. Man! We've been forgetting to bring his new music every week since 1997!"

(2) D-Lo Brown pinned Hurricane after a "Fade To Black" Hurricane Helms always makes me feel like it's 1991 when he goes ringside and hands out his plastic mask thing. This match got insanely brutal at one point and both men seemed to take an awkward bump. Following a jump to the outside, we got a glimpse of some heavy bleeding from Helm's mouth. Couldn't tell if it was coming from internally or from his mouth. Pretty sick. D-Lo does something that I consider a big "wrestling pet peeve" (JG Note: Yeah – you guys have em too) and renames his finishing move. I hate that. It's like when Christian went from Impaler to Unprettier. I just think it's lazy. If you want a new finishing move – get another move. It's so simple. Then you have two signature moves. You think I'm going on about this? You should hear my take on Justin Credible naming his WWF DDT finisher "That's Incredible" when his old twisting tombstone piledriver was called "That's Incredible". Just nonsense. Anyway, Low Down Brown gets the victory after hitting Suga Shane with the Sky High Fade to Black.

Still to come…an update on the injured Stacey Kiebler. May all of our testicles be with her right now.

Commercial Break. CSI. These commercials should use this slogan: "If You're Watching Crappy Raw You'll Definitely Like CSI"

We join in progress Hulk Hogan's epic return and subsequent thrashing of Vince McMahon on Smackdown (JG Note: Hey Hulk, the applause will stop if you just say something into the microphone). But wait, I'm watching this on someone else's TV. Oh look, it's Chief Morley's TV! He's shaking his head as Johnny Cash Eric Bischoff enters the room. The Chief of Venis tells the bloated Bisch that perhaps Vinnie Mac will rescind his 30-day trial in light of Stephanie's introduction of Hogan. Bischy "bisches" out Chief Valhoo and reminds him that we are dealing with Vince McMahon here. But Eric's got an idea. J.R. says it better be a good one. So do I. (JG Note: So does Eric Bischoff action figure which I will mangle if it's another "Someone might maybe perhaps be coming back" idea).

Terri is standing by with Shiny Pajama Man Chris Jericho. We recap the Kiebler incident and Jericho remarks that he's on his way to the ring to deal with the subject at hand right now. Well...I better prepare for this. Thank goodness for the..

Commercial Break. Target. For those too think K-Mart is below them.

Still to come…Victoria takes on Trish in a Chicago Street Fight (JG Note: Because we're in Chicago. Get it?) and The Duds against Regal Storm in a tag team title Tables Match. I still find it amazing that Bubba Ray and D-Von owe their careers to Home Depot Tables. They really should do commercials for them.

One man's fans wear shirts that say "Testicles." The other man's fans wear shirts that say "Ass Clown." I don’t know why mainstream looks down on us either.

The HACIC (The Head Ass Clown in Charge) makes his way to the ring. Seems as though ol Y2J (Bug) has something weighing heavily on his mind. The problem? You guessed it – next week Chris takes on Scott Steiner to determine the number one contender for the Game's gold. Oh…and Stacey too. He almost forgot. You all wanna hear an apology? Well Fozzyface is sorry. There…ya got your apology…

Christian! Christian! At last you're on your own still in a tag team…

Out comes Christian dressed like an 18th century poet to assure his Canadian brethren that he owes nary an apology for his show of violence toward fair Stacey. Christian claims that this was all Stacey's fault. You see, Miss Hancock knew the ish. She knew this was a dangerous wrestling ring. (JG Note: I wish I had friends like this). If it's anyone's fault, Team Chris(tian) Jericho agree – it's the big Testicle himself at fault. Yup – the blame is on the Test man.

I think I'm cute. I know I'm rusty…

Out comes the Heartbreak Kid himself Shawn Michaels. The Rocker mocks Jericho's pants and calls him on the fact that he needed to jump him from behind at the Royal Rumble. (JG Note: The Rumble was two weeks ago. Why weren't you here last week dealing with this?) Well Shawny gets a couple of Chicago pops in and then delivers one of his fairly corny (and increasingly usual) speeches about being a man and "coming to fight" or something. I don't know – it just comes off sort of forced. John Wayne never sounded like he was trying to be cool. Anywho, Michaels sachets down the aisle and clears the ring of the Canadian Chrises.

We're backstage and Victoria is beating a trashcan with Trish Stratus's image taped to it. With ever cane hit, Steven Richards screams out. Pretty sick segment. We cut into Trish preparing for her Vicki. I liked it. It was very old school in presentation and showed two very different opponents preparing for a match. Intriguing. Basic. Sometimes that's all you need. What do I need? I need a …

Commercial Break. The Jeopardy Answer is "Ultimate X". Ring. What is the name of the pills Jim Hellwig must be taking before writing some of his commentaries?

"I wanna hear you bark like a dog a Trish. You're sorry! You're sorry for Mr. McMahon! Speak Dog-ese Trish!"

Just wanted to remind you how we got to where we are today….

Giggle Giggle Giggle (wave the hat)

(3) WWE Women's Champion Victoria (W/ Steven Richards) pinned Trish Stratus We switch to hour two with Victoria knocking Trish to the outside and holding aloft her magic belt in the same way Prince Adam held his sword. It's a brutal beatdown with the former ho pounding on "Canada's Greatest Export" (J.R.'s words). The crowd proved that women's wrestling is still searching for some sort of niche by yelling about how they wanted puppies. The girls responded with more violence as the weapons came out and the action got hardcore. Pretty good spots with trash cans and other accessories. King Jerry pointed out how long this feud had played out and it definitely makes you think. This may be the most successful thins that this program has pulled of yet. Every week we're handed the same two girls with the same story – but they seem to make it work fairly well. That's something to be commended. Finale saw Richards come into the ring and get beat down by a stick wielding Trish like she was Tawny Katain. Vicki caught her from behind and got a very near fall. However, when Trish tried to reverse the situation and hit her TrishDog on the Women's Champ, Steven interference saw Stratus take a header to the outside and find herself pinned. Vick continued to assault Miss Trish until Steven peeled her away.

Jazz….come on down!!! You're the next contestant on "Beat Up Trish".

The Next Big Thing in Women's Wrestling bar none, Jazz makes her way up the ramp and proceeds to beat Trish Stratus like she owed her money. Insane beating. Good to see Jazz back. She was on the cusp of greatness before her injury. I think she can really make a difference for this company if she's use correctly.

Still to come DJ Jazzy Regal and The Fresh Storm versus We Want Tables.

Commercial Break. Tell Big Tobacco you're not for sale. Tell Little Tobacco that everything is negotiable.

Last Monday on Raw….Val Venis screws the Dudley Boys. (JG Note: Haha – There's a headline I'd like to see in Raw Magazine)

4. World Tag Team Champions William Regal and Lance Storm defeated The Dudley Boys in a Table Match Match gets underway fairly quickly with the purple camos of D-Von and the short shorts of Bubba taking out the Canadian Brits. I have to hand it to Chicago, it's a great town to hold an event in because the crowd is usually hot. They really were into this one with countless chants. Sometime fairly early, the Duds hit a 3D, which took the crowd out of its boots. Following a "Wassup", D-Von was instructed to "Get the Tables!" But much like Miss Hubbard's Cubburd – under the ring was bare with not a table to be found. When suddenly…

Hello Ladies…

It's Chief Valhoo McMorely and he's wielding some wood of his own. You didn't think that Eric's Chief of Staff would leave tables under the ring, do you? Well, Venis goads the Duds up the ramp and they're jumped from behind less than three minutes later by Three-Minute Warning.

The Islanders beat the Brothers from Dudleyville back to the ring and proceed to set them up for the big loss. Spike Dudley tries to run in for the save, but alas – he's too late. 3MW put Reverend D-Von through a table to give the win to Crazy Stupid Fresh Lance and his running mate, Regal Reegz. JR is disgusted at how Stormy Regal over-celebrate. I think JR gets disgusted too easily.

Commercial Break. Call 1-800-Gateway and pretend to be that kid in the Dell Commercials. Now that would be funny.

WWE has been all over the world lately. Other countries like wrestling better than my country. That's kind of depressing.

Easy E is sweating with his new hairdye backstage. Suddenly he's surrounded by Hunter and D4 (JG Note: Degeneration Four Horsemen…something I'm trying out – work with me here). What's the dillio, sweatface? Hunter wants to know why Uncle Puffkin gave Scotty Steiner a number one contender's match next week. What if Steiner wins? When Eric can't provide an answer, Triple H and his boys take leave.

John and Matt from Tough Enough (JG Note: Someone get these kids some names) are backstage and they're more than psyched…they're super-psyched. Well, kids don't get too over zealous. Al Snow is here to remind you that this is Live and this is Raw and you only get one chance (JG Note: Jackie Gayda…cough…Jackie Gayda). As they make their way down the hallway we see Chris Nowinski looking on menacingly. Hey you smell that? I think it's coming from that dressing room down there. The one with all the smoke…

Rob Van Dam is stretching into a pretzel like position as his Big Red Burnt Partner approaches him. Kane and Robby wax nostalgic for the Royal Rumble and despite the fact that Mr. Monday Night seems "cool" with the fact that Kane bounced him from the Rumble, there seems to be some passive aggression. But that's all in the past. Van Dam points out that between his large arsenal of moves and Kane's chokeslam – they're unstoppable. Rob does the RVD thumb salute. Kane does the "Big Red Machine" double thumb salute. I give the "JG Note" double thumb salute (JG Note: I hate Kane's gimmick now). Watch some commercials …

Commercial Break. I'm seeing the movie "Old School." I'm writing it down in this commercial break as a reminder to myself. Thank you for baring with me.

Grandpa…you've wandered outside the arena again. Yes Grandpa we're outside the All State Arena. Come back inside. I'll tell you about our sponsors…(JG Note: They don't pay me anything so I don't have to mention them. In fact…take Xenadrine, buy Adidas, and dial 1-800-Collect. Hehe)

Tough Enough Finale Recap – Big "AEKDB" to Kappa Sig Jonah for handling the loss as a mature adult. Eric's interview being conducted by Josh Matthews was quite ironic considering that Matthews was the whiner from the Season one finale. Come on, Eric… you know better. You were one of the final four – ride it out and make it work. There's Indy guys out there right now nursing horrible injuries at an early age that would give a kidney to be in your position right now. Winners John and Matt provided great follow-up interviews. A bit sad that Matt found Jesus when he won – he could have used him as back up when Bob Holly beat him senseless.

(5) Matt and John wrestled to a no contest These two kids are fighting each other? Who thought of this? Al Snow watched from ringside as if he was still training them. It all started out quite surreal. The two of them kept reversing hip tosses. It was like watching two guys practicing. Following a pretty stiff looking dropkick by John Finnegan (JG Note:…or something. Does it matter? He's going to be put into OVW until I forget who he is anyway), Christopher Nowinski made the save. Nowinski knocked out the Head Trainer, Al and entered the ring. The Harvard Graduate and Tough Enough 1 Loser has issues with these two rubbing in their TE3 victory. As his words grew tiresome, Tommy Dreamer ran to the ring and chased him off with a Singapore cane.

Tommy takes the microphone and gets all Ring of Honor on them and delivers a Chicago is hardcore you're lucky speech. He congratulates the new comers on entering the WWE and then gives them a good old fashion Bradshaw Welcome Wagon by plastering them both with cane shots to the head. Tommy desperately needs his own T-shirt.

Eric Bischoff looks like one of the bad guys on the Dukes of Hazard this week and he's heading to the arena with a yellow envelope….

Commercial Break. Carrotop is on a date. Yeah, this commercial has no credibility.

Sean O'Haire has a lot to tell me. Now I should abandon my children. I don't have children. I think I'll adopt some and then abandon them. For the record, Sean doesn't believe in God, Taxes, or Fidelity. I think he'd make a hell of a promoter.

I'm ba-ack, and stretching this leather…

Oh man…Eric is upset and he's got an envelope with him. According to Bischy, Steve Austin isn't here tonight. What? Steve Austin isn't here tonight. But don't blame him! You wanna know why…well rewatch Confidential.

Confidential Clips from Last June. Vince McMahon was pissed off. Jim Ross likes John Wayne.

Well Uncle Eric definitely learned his lesson. Eric should know to have everything in writing before opening his mouth. So this time around he has Stone Cold Steve Austin's return etched in stone with an initial response to his detractors. (JG Note: Crowd = "YAY!") He will answer them in Raw Magazine.(JG Note: Crowd = "BOO!") Austin is going to spill his guts on everything from divorced Debra to Jim Ross to Triple H. Sleazy E then leaves the door open for the Stunning Steve that he released from WCW in 1995 to return to the ring. Why should Steve take Eric up on this greasy little invite?

Cue the Steve Austin Desire Video. See? Look fans…he does care about wrestling! We were just kidding when we did that whole Raw devoted to slandering him. Actually, that was a dream. You dreamed that.

Commercial Break. There's nothing like World Wrestling Entertainment live. Is that really an endorsement? There's nothing like getting kicked in the throat by a spiked boot – which's not a good thing.

Next Monday Night – Chris Jericho takes on Scott Steiner in a number one contender match. If I were Jericho, I would worry insanely for the next seven days.

Tickets are still available at the MCI Center for Next Week's Raw in DC. Remember when the arenas would sell out in about a minute and half? Probably not. It was before that football thing came out.

No Way Out is brought to you by Sour Starburst. I can't believe how far the N.W.O. has come in the last year.

The Burn Out, The Burn Out, The Mutation from Planet Batista, and Mr. Steph – let's do this.

(6) Triple H and Batista beat Rob Van Dam and Kane when Batista pinned RVD I will say this much, I feel as though this is one of the first main events on Raw that seemed to serve a real purpose. It featured two solid faces taking on a young heel and an established one. To have shoved Davey Boy Batista into that debacle with Big Poppa Stiff last week was just unfair. Good back and forth culminating with a gangland style mugging on the outside of Kane. While the D4 put the boots to the Undertaker's fiery little brother, Deacon Tista reached down and pulled the mask off the Machine. Kane covered his face and ran as Deacon Dave held his leather face thing up like it was a prize (JG Note: Hey Kane, how'd ya get it back from X-Pac last year anyway?) I guess Kane-o went to go buy a new one. He left RVD in the ring to be soundly thrashed by a Tista powerbomb and give the pinfall victory to the Triple H Quadruple Crew.

Following the bell, the attack continued by the Degenerates before Scott Steiner ran in for the save. But as quickly as he ran in, Y2FunnyPants ran to the ring and attacked him from behind. Well I tell you – everyone was attacking everyone. Once the dust settled we had The Degenerate Horsemen bloodying the Frankensteiner. They take turns beating the bloody Scott and we see a powerbomb, a figure four and a pedigree. Following this beatdown, Team Hunt leaves the ring.

Chris Jericho climbs into the squared circle and locks Stein in a Walls of Jericho as we fade to black….

All in all… not a bad effort. In no way am I about to say this was an off the charts amazing Raw, I think it was more or less an improvement though. For the first time in a while, I feel like I know who's on what side and what's going on to a certain extent. Also Hunter's group may be a good idea in the long run as it allows some of the upper card faces who can't seem to get a good feud with the Game going no matter what a chance to take on other high profile heels. Either that or the whole damn thing might fall apart and be terrible. What do I know? I just watch it along with you.

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