Originally Published January 29, 2007
Matt Hardy: I still don't get it. Why couldn't we go out to dinner with the rest of the roster?
MVP: Mr. McMahon said there was no room in the car.
Matt: That makes no sense. Everyone took their own cars.
MVP: I said that. He just laughed and said there was no room for our car in the parking lot.
Kane: Whatever. Don't let it get to you. Hey. Look over there. It's Kurt Angle and a bunch of guys. Let's sit with them.
Don West: Oh man! Oh boy, Kurt! I tell ya! This never-ending pasta bowl is amazing! I have never seen anything like this! The pasta is just beyond anything we've ever had here at dinner! It's no wonder that Olive Garden is one of our official sponsors!
Kurt Angle: Olive Garden isn't one of our sponsors, Don.
West: Oh. Really? In that case, this pasta sucks. I'm ready to throw up all over my shiny shirt.
Matt Hardy: Hey, guys! Can we sit with you?
Kurt: Oh my God! Hey guys! Welcome. Sit. Sit. So good to see you!
(extending his hand) Hey man. Kane.
Abyss: Nice to meet you. Abyss.
Kane: That's your name? Weird. Like as in, "I gotta go take a piss?"
Abyss: No. Not "a piss." It's "
Kane: Oh. So what's your deal? You a tormented monster too?
Abyss: Yup. I have the whole thing, man. Mask. Ripped shirt. Dark secret. It's all there.
Kane: Nice. What was your secret and who outted you?
Abyss: The story is that I shot my dad. Sting was the one who told everyone.
Kane: That sucks. I know how you must feel. My dad died. My brother drowned him in cement. He still speaks to me beyond the grave.
Abyss: That's nice. In your heart, you'll always hear his voice speaking to you.
Kane: My heart? No. He has an online blog. Anyway, I had a dark mystery too. Triple H told everyone mine. He said that I raped and killed my old girlfriend. Wanna know a secret?
Kane: I really did it! Ha ha! Booyah! You know the best part about being with a dead chick, right? The silence! Ha ha ha! Am I right?
(raising hand in the air) Up high! Come on, man. Don't leave me hanging. Can I get a what-what?
Abyss: I'm not slapping you five for that. I didn't really shoot my dad. It's only an angle.
Kurt Angle: You're damn right! It's only Angle, baby! Kurt f**kin' Angle! Whooo! This table has six sides but only one Angle! Whooo! It's true! It's real! It's damn truereal!
West: So, Jeff. How you been? Haven't seen you in a while.
Jeff Hardy: Huh?
West: I haven't seen you since you were last in TNA.
Jeff: What? TNA?
West: You worked for us for like two years, man.
Jeff: Shut up. Really? God. Those last few years were like a blur. Wow. Hey…wait.
(to Matt) So you weren't kidding when you said you put those home video shows we did on the Internet?
Matt: No. I uploaded them. I told you.
Jeff: Why? Didn't I tell you to stop showing people our home movies ever since you gave Vince the old backyard tapes and he played them on TV?!
Matt: Yeah, but those made us look cool. Wrestling in the backyard is cool.
Jeff: Don't talk to me.
Kurt: Hey Matt, guess what?
Kurt: You're gonna die soon.
Kurt: You have veins on your nose. Little blue veins. Know what that means? Huh? Do ya? It means you're gonna die.
Matt: Matt Hardy will not die! Plus, Matt Hardy doesn't have veins on his nose!
Kurt: Do so.
Matt: Do not.
Kurt: Do so.
Matt: Do not…hang on.
(turning to Jeff) Yo. Do I have dark veins on nose?
Jeff: Goddamnit! Stop testing me! I already told you I wasn't tripping!
(to Abyss) So how was he?
Kane: Your dad. After you shot him, you obviously raped him, right?
Abyss: What? Did I rape my dad? No. I didn't rape my dad.
Kane: Why not? You have erectile dysfunction?
Abyss: Dude, are you kidding? No. Why would I rape my own father?
Kane: Bah. And you call yourself a monster? Maybe we can get you a pretty bow for your little pink panties
. (baby voice) "Wook at me! I'm A Piss. I don't wike to wape my daddy because I'm a widdle bitch."
Kurt: Hey! You guys ever do sugar shots? I love this stuff. I just tear open one of these sugar packets and - BLAM - down it. It's instant energy. I love it. There's so many fun things to do at the dinner table. I can snort this entire thing of pepper. You dare me? You dare me? Come on. Dare me. Look. Look. I'm cutting lines of pepper.
MVP: Dude. Don't snort pepper.
Kurt: Shut up, Godfather. Don't you have a Ho Train to conduct?
MVP: I'm not the Godfather.
Kurt: You can say that again. That guy was awesome until he got fired.
Eric Young: Don't fire Eric.
(explaining) That's his thing. Eric doesn't want to be fired.
Eric: That's right. Fire + Eric = Bad things.
Kane: Excuse me for a moment, Pissy. Duty calls.
Kane gets up from his seat. Using a lighter and a half-full glass of Vodka, he sets Eric Young on fire.
Eric: AHHHHH! HELP!
(singing) Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnny Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio!
We didn't start the fire!
Waitress: Excuse me, sir. We're going to have to ask you to leave. You can't set people on fire in the dining area.
West: Hey, honey. This pasta bowl is supposed to be never-ending. I ain't going anywhere until I get to the end, OK? Now unless you want to be set on fire, have your ankle broken, get two Twists of Fate, a Black Hole Slam, and…what do you do?
MVP: I don't know. Nothing much. I look at my expensive watch a lot.
(continuing)…and be forced to look at the Godfather's watch, I'd expect you to move your butt to the back and get me some more Rigatoni. If not, I'm not only going to give you a beating, but I'm gonna throw in the Sosa rookie card and a Beanie Baby, bitch. Now mooooooove!
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Shoot your dad and grab your remote, kiddies. Monday night is once again upon us and it's time for another rip-roarin' edition of WWE's flagship show. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are rockin' and reelin' and dancing on the ceilin' over tonight's broadcast from Dallas. Mr. McMahon has dubbed the evening "fan appreciation night," which is obviously sarcasm because they don't…well, you know. Also, it's title time as Jeff Hardy laces up his boots and prepares to go face to pelvis with The Great Khali. But before any of that can happen, we're kicking things off with the man who almost won the Royal Rumble…Shawn Michaels!
The Hunterless Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels takes center-ring as the announcers tout his showing in last night's Royal Rumble match. With his t-shirt tucked into his jeans, Michaels grabs a microphone and starts to speak. Ol' Heartbreak told everyone last week that no mere mortal man would keep him from winning the Royal Rumble. Well, oops on that one. It wasn't a mortal who did it. Everyone was mortal last night except for the Undertaker. That's right, Taker is WWE's own Samantha Stevens and wiggled his nose to victory. But that's all what it was. It's over and done. Undie can now choose to challenge for any title he sees fit. However, Shawn has his own plans.
"The Dead Man hasn't made his choice yet, Now if he chooses the World Heavyweight Champion Batista or the ECW Champion Bobby Lashley, that leaves the WWE Championship wide open. So tonight, I am taking the opportunity to throw my hat in the ring because I can't think of…" -
Shawn Michaels, 9:06pm
The speech is interrupted by the reggaeton style beats of John Cena. The WWE Champion is here and J.R. figures he must be "as sore as any man in Texas." (JG Note: What the hell are the men doing in Texas?!) The Marine takes the mic and makes sure he heard The Boy Toy right. WrestleMania - Cena vs. Michaels? Hmmm. Sounds fun. John likes it, but it's not his call. That call is up to the Undertaker himself. Will Booger Red choose to…
Hey Edge. It's me, Christian. Thanks for advising me for my match with Kurt Angle. I'm keeping it a secret.
No problem, man. Did you do what I told you?
Yes sir. I hit on his wife and painted the letter R on my crotch.
Good work. That's all I got. You should be fine. Smell ya later.
Uh, excuse me, boys. Edge is here and he's feeling a bit left out. With the tag title sluing over one shoulder, Adam Copeland explains that the situation being laid out here won't happen. Remember when The R Rated Superstar told you that you'd fail, Shawny? "Member that? Huh? Do ya? Well, it seems that the Canadian Brood Boy called it. As for J.C., well Copeland had his number years ago. So, here's the deal. At Mania instead of some boring Cena vs. Shawn match, why not have someone who's undefeated in WM matches challenge for the title? Why not have…
Orton Home - 1987
But, DAAAAAAAAAD! I hate visiting Uncle Don and Aunt Adrian! They force me to make bouquets for The Flower Shop!
Yo! Randy Orton has arrived and Jim Ross says "The hits just keep coming." Randy stands next to his estranged partner on the ramp and makes sure he understands what he's saying. Look, Edge, Randy sees the WWE Title like he sees the Royal Rumble. It's every man for himself. Now, it's quiz time.
"How many times have you had a title shot against John Cena? 10? 20? 30 times? Well, guess how many times I've had one. Zero!"
- Randy Orton
When Edge answers, the two get into a verbal exchange. That's when John cuts in and calls them "puss bags." Content with getting his favorite new word into another promo, Cena challenges Rated RKO to come to the ring….now! Gee. I wonder who'll interrupt this.
Vince McMahon - that's who! Vinnie Mac shows up on the Titan Tron and stops the heels from getting' them some. Look, kids. No one wants to see some crappy brawl to start the show. Instead of all that noise, let's do it in a real match. Tag titles on the line - Rated RKO vs. Shawn Michaels and John Cena. How's that? Sound good? Good. With that, Vince's music plays and we go to commercial.
Yo, yo, yo! It's Cryme Tyme. The #1 Contenders stop by a backstage camera, greet the Dallas crowd, and give out some shout-outs.
1. The World's Greatest Tag Team defeated Cryme Tyme when Shelton pinned Shad
Oh Charlie Haas. Now you have cornrows. That probably starts some conversations at the supermarket, huh? Jerry Lawler mentioned that Shad was "an honor student. Yes, your honor. No, your honor." (JG Note: I know it fits their gimmick, so it's not too over the top in this instance, but I'd love to know how many black wrestlers have wrestled on Raw in the last five years without Jerry making some sort of criminal joke about them.) In the ironic end, Cryme Tyme got robbed when Chuckie Cornrow took advantage of a distracted ref and rolled over Shelton Benjamin to the top of a Shad pin attempt. Three seconds later and the World's Greatest Tag Team scores the win. Given their team name, it only makes sense.
In the leather couch room, Vince McMahon is mackin' it to Melina. He seems to be just finishing off with some advice as the camera switches on. Grateful for Mac's words of wisdom, Mel gives him a big thank you hug and runs off to cease her opportunity…whatever that may be. John Coachman quickly runs in to take her place and inform the boss that he's put everything in motion for tonight's fan appreciation night. Giddy, Mr. McPreciation says that this will be bigger than the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania. It'll be bigger than coca-cola and candy corn! Bigger than hoola hoops and oxycontin! Hell, when all is said and done, Vince Kennedy McMahon will be mentioned in the same breath as "Mother Theresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Archbishop Desmond Tutu," The Coach grins and Vinnie Mac sends him off to double check that everything's all ready. Isn't sad that segments like this don't even fool us anymore? The old idea was that Vince would promise great things and then let the fans down under the rationale that it gets heat. Now, I've been screwed by this so many times that whenever he promises a great thing, I don't even consider that it could possibly happen. I just figure it'll be something lame. Kinda sad when you think about it.
Commercial Break. I wanna meet the guy who pitched Starburst the idea to have a vomiting dolphin in their commercial.
This Week in Wrestling History: Jim Duggan won the first Royal Rumble. No one mentions the Glamour Girls vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels.
2. Melina defeated Maria via "California Dreams" submission
Before the bell, Melina took the microphone and informed the crowd that this would be a "first contender's match." Once you got over the strange wording she used for a number one contender match, you're then left with the wonder of "How did Maria get a #1 contender's match?" Even the announcers have a hard time of selling. All J.R. can say is that Mary has been improving lately. Well, by all means then, give her a title shot. Why not? She earned it. After all, she asked all those stupid questions. If that doesn't scream "title match," I don't know what does. All that doesn't matter, though. It was Nancy Sullivan 2007 winning the contest with her new submission, The
. It beats the other two names she had picked out for it - "Saved By The Bell" and "Saved By the Bell: The New Class."
Commercial Break. Gamefly has a passion for gaming. They rent games differently. How is it different? Well, most rental places don't take three days to mail each way and aren't constantly out of stock .
Last night at the Royal Rumble, Undertaker eliminated Shawn Michaels to win the event. I guess God was busy. Maybe he had a dentist appointment or something.
Backstage Todd Grisham meets up with the man who kicked him in the face last week, Shawn Michaels. HBK has no love lost for Grishy and makes his sentiments short and sweet. HBK and John Cena are going to win the tag titles tonight. When questioned about his partner, Michaels says that he's "no Triple H" before walking off. (JG Note: Too…many…choices…for…wise…as…comments. Overload. Overload. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger.)
In the Mexican/Women section of the backstage area, Super Crazy is working his broken-English charm on Mickie James. That's when Melina arrives to get in the face of the Women's Champion. Hey, hooch. Next time out, you're gonna lose that belt to Mel. No doubt. When Lina insults Crazy in Spanish, he gets revenge. Using Mickie's arm, he slaps her in the face. M.J. finds the move funny, but the #1 Contender goes completely insane. She jumps the Women's Champion and beats her until Johnny Nitro shows up with some referees.
Meanwhile in the R-Rated Dressing Room, Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade are once again sitting at the cool table. The Sunday Night Heaters question Edge about his match tonight. What's up with Randy, huh? Adam can't believe the gall of his partner. Orton was actually in a title match at last year's WrestleMania…and lost to Rey Mysterio! When Cade jumps in and tries to bash The Legend Killer, Copeland quickly changes his tune. He tells the struggling team that when he and Randy Orton are on the same page, no duo can stop them. The Rated R Superstar runs off, leaving Lance and Trevor behind to stew over his indirectly offensive comment.
Commercial Break. Real Men eat Whoppers. If you see a woman eating one, kill her.
Last night at the Royal Rumble, Armando Estrada took the ring apart. In the end, John Cena used the ropes as a weapon to choke out Umaga. It was part of WWE's plan to give mentally deranged children another violent act that they can blame on wrestling.
Val Venis is lost. That's the only reason I can think of for him to be in the ring. Unless he's about to get squashed…
"And his opponent, from the Island of Samoa, weighing in at 350 pounds…Umaga!"
- Lillian Garcia, 9:45 pm
3. Umaga pinned Val Venis after a Samoan Spike
Val Venis ruled the first five minutes. He ravaged Umaga with body slams and moonsaults. At one point, he lifted the Samoan over his head and…I'm just kidding. He got his ass kicked. Wha'da'ya think? Maga treated Val like Dale Wolfe on WWF Challenge. He tied him to the ropes. He screamed in Islander talk. He stabbed him in the throat with his thumb.
Hello, Ladies….You know, ladies, the Big Valbowski is a lot like…I don’t' know! I can't think! Just call a f**kin' ambulance! I'm dying here! Standin' around making double-entendres and shit! Help me!
Hey Donald, it's Vince. When are you gonna come to WWE? I can't wait to put you in a headlock. Get over here you big oaf!
Please, Mister. Don't touch me. If you want to take a picture, get in line. There’s lots of little children waiting.
What?! I paid my admission, Duck. I can do whatever I please. If anyone here at Disney World has a problem with me, they can kiss my ass!
With John Coachman and some fake security by his side, Mr. McMahon staggers to his ring. With a cowboy hat on his head, Vince stands tall in front of, what appears to be, art underneath a velvet cover. (JG Note: They might as well have written "Mr. McMahon" on it because you knew it was a picture of him before the cover even came off. Most of the time when they put something covered in the ring, you know what it is.
I know Randy Orton's in that cake!.) Anyway, before going to the mystery prize, Vinnie Mac wants to wage war on the real enemy - cowboy hats.
"Anyone over the age of five wearing a cowboy hat is stupid.
- Vince McMahon, 9:53pm
I get that they're in Dallas. I get that Jim Ross wears a cowboy hat. The only this is…so does JBL. In fact, Vince went on to stomp the white hat he was wearing in order to make an anti-Cowboy Hat point. The weird thing was that it was almost identical to the one Bradshaw wears.
Anyway, Vince isn't here to squash hats. Well, he is, actually, but he's here for other stuff too. He's here to give back to all the fans. It's his opportunity to say those two little words that he never says. "Thank you." Mac thanks them all for making him a billionaire. Now, to show his appreciation, Daddy Mac is going to pull a plant out of the crowd and give her the mystery picture that's obviously a picture of him. What could be more fun than that?
Apparently most of the people in the crowd didn't get the memo because they were all holding up their hands. Strangely enough, VKM chose a girl with implants who you'd probably never see in a wrestling audience. Complete with hoop earrings and Uggs boots, "Jackie" smiled while the owner made small talk and then presented her with this special treat…
A giant blow-up picture of his "Muscle and Fitness" cover.
After giving the non-gift to the non-fan, McMahon continues to pat himself on the back. He points out how commendable it was for him to ask Jackie her name. Sure, he won't remember Jenny's name, but at least he asked. You see, Joanna represented all of you. As Steph's dad continued his speech, a taped image of Donald Trump scowling appeared on the Titan Tron.
"Vince. You claim that you tell your audience what they want, what they like, and all that. The fact is they have no alternative but to like it. They have really no alternative but to like you. And they don't like you. The audience really just doesn’t appreciate what you're giving one fan, out of thousands in attendance. A cheesy photograph of yourself. Who the hell would want it? I wouldn't want it. Nobody that I know would want it. Maybe your wife. Maybe your family. I even doubt that. So, if you don't know your audience perhaps I do. And I say they want value. Who knows more about value than me, Vince? They want value. I say they want value for the money they paid for tickets tonight. You know what I mean, right> And the best way I know to show my appreciation to the audience, even if it's your audience, is to give them what everybody wants - Me in particular - Money, Vince. Money, money, money. That's why right now I'm dropping buckets of cash. Look up at the ceiling, Vince. Look up right now. Look at that. Now that's the way you show appreciation. Learn from it, Vince."
- Donald Trump, 10:01pm
I thought they were going to take this in a different direction. The no-alternative thing was a good route to take and, for a brief second, I expected them to do some angle where Trump takes over one of the brands. It would be easy to do and he wouldn't even have to show up. They can just glitz up the look and say that Donald is the owner. He can say he bought the stock or some sort of vague explanation that makes no sense but doesn't matter anyway. Instead they dropped money on the crowd.
As for the interview, It was obviously pre-taped, but Vince sold it like it was live. Kinda like the Rock at the Raw X Show. You remember. It was the one where the Rock got booed out of the building, but still paused to soak up all the applause that the production team assumed he'd get. Instead, he soaked up boos. Crazy. Anyway, no one booed Donald. In fact, they didn't react much at all.
Vince screamed out over the microphone. "It's raining cash!" was just one of the many sound bites the owner worked in. Unfortunately, people weren't freaking out. It wasn't like the scene in Batman when the Joker gassed the ecstatic money-grabbing crowd. It was people, preoccupied with falling cash, ignoring a segment that became boring five minutes earlier. The scene was somewhat ridiculous by the end as it seemed like the only people who were really excited about the whole thing were Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, and the one guy who caught a $50 bill and held it to the camera while going, "Woooooo! Woooooo!"
The best part of the whole thing was the end,. As Vince left the ring, a fan was holding up two bills from ringside. McMahon reached out to grab the money. I guess he expected the fan to pull away from him. He didn't. The audience member just stood there while Vinnie Mac lunged at him. Not wanting to take money from a fan, Mac just sort of rustled his hands around it. It was kinda funny. Go watch it again. You'll see what I mean.
On second thought. Don't watch it again. I wouldn't want you to do that to yourself.
Commercial Break. Honey, there’s two Japanese men in suits at the door. They say they want to play with your wee or something.
4. Carlito and Super Crazy defeated Chris Masters and Kenny Dykstra when Carlito pinned Masters
I gotta tell ya. I'm really bored so far. This is one of those really slow shows. I feel like it's been on for months and we're only an hour in. Jim Ross calls refers to the young former cheerleader as Kenny "Don't Call Me Lenny" Dykstra (JG Note: At least that's what his friends Harry Carter and Kookie Wilson call him.) The Dyker was wearing dark red trunks here and almost looked like he and Chris were a real team. I'm talking appearance only. As far as teamwork goes, they didn't have the capabilities to finish off Crazy and Carly. Yet another filler Carlito-Masters-Super segment came to an end with Cool hitting the Backcracker and scoring the pin. Can't get enough of that. I wonder who sat down last year and said, "Hey. Let's have Carlito Cool and Chris Masters work against each other…forever. When we swap one out, we'll throw the little Mexicool midget guy in it." What's even worse is that Ken is now involved in all this. So much for the new-gimmick honeymoon period, Dyky. Everything's great for the first few weeks, then you get forgotten about for a while. Welcome to Snitsky-ville. Population - you. Well, you and Snitsky…obviously. After all, it's named after him.
Todd Grisham takes Jim Ross by surprise backstage. J.R. doesn't seem ready for Todd's interview, but it doesn't matter. Grish is. Grishy interrupts Ross and introduces his guest, Randy Orton. Cool, calm, and collected, Randy tries to tap-dance around The Grishmeister's questions about Rated RKO dissention. When he pressed the point, Todd is told point-blank that Orton is looking for victory. That's what'll happen. If you ain't down with that, Ort has two words for you - Poop Bag.
The Marine - Unrated DVD
hits shelves tomorrow. Consider that a warning.
Hey, baby. My name is Khali. I'm great. Wanna go up on me? Allllll riiiiiight!
5. The Great Khali defeated WWE Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy via Countout
"This Great Khali is a freak of nature and I don't mean that in a disrespectful way."
- Jim Ross, 10:28pm
He means it in a loving way. You know, the way you'd mean it if you said it to your newborn baby or kitten. This match was just ridiculous. The problem with Khali is that he's not changing any of his offense at all. It's not only the same each time, but each opponent oversells differently. So here you have The Great One hitting his slow-mo chops, but Jeff is flipping all over the place. Selling is only half the game. If the offense looks really weak, any selling only makes it look cheesier. You know what it was like? It was as if Jeff Hardy was a stuntman working at some theme park. He takes someone out of the crowd and says, "Here. I'll show you how we do fake fights. Throw a punch and I'll show you how the actors react." Then the old lady throws a half-speed slap/punch and the stuntman throws himself through a window. That's what this was. The only difference was that instead of an old lady, it was a 7'2 giant. In the end, Lord Khaliflower chopped Hardy in the chest and sent him to the arena floor. The referee counted to ten and the title match ended with the challenger taking a countout. I guess WWE wanted to make sure that those who weren't disappointed with the quality of the match were at least disappointed in the match's finish. Now
that's the true meaning of "Fan Appreciation Night."
Candice Michele is shooting another GoDaddy Superbowl commercial. Apparently she dances with a Dick Cheney look alike. I doubt it was Ace Steel.
Commercial Break. Warning: Tag Body Spray does not take the place of showering. Still shower even if you wear it. That is all.
WrestleMania Rewind: Edge wins the Money In The Bank Ladder Match.
Some dude with a microphone is in the crowd and he's standing by with Vladamir Hozlov. Vlad loves "Double Double E." Why? Because "only in America" can money fall from the sky. (Yakov Smirnoff Note: Hey! That's my line! In communist Russia, you don't catch money from sky. Sky catches money from you!) After some more weird promo time, the unnamed announcer guy sends us back to J.R. and Jerry Lawler for a look at last night's Royal Rumble.
Last night, John Cena defeated Umaga in the Last Man Standing Match by using the top rope to choke him out. I know, WWE. You've told us like nine times in the last hour.
Generation Gap in the house! Ric Flair is standing by backstage when he runs into John Cena. The two discuss tonight's tag team match, but Flair has some words of advice for the WWE Champion. Watch your jaw tonight. Something tells Naitch that you're gonna take those tag titles tonight. When you do, don't be surprised if the born-again Boy Toy lays the soul of his boot right across your face. Ric sees a Superkick in your future, Dr. Thuggy. Cena stares off into space, contemplating the words of wisdom he was just told.
Commercial Break. Carmen Electra eats Taco Bell. If you eat Taco Bell, you can be hot too. You haven't heard? Fatty food doesn't make you fat. Not eating Taco Bell makes you fat. Go out and munch away.
Tomorrow night, Mr. McMahon makes his first appearance on ECW TV. Someone must have reminded him that it was still on.
6. John Cena and Shawn Michaels defeated WWE Tag Team Champions Rated RKO when Cena pinned Orton to win the titles
You can't say that this match saved the show because, chances are, people are sleeping now. It's one thing to save the show for the live crowd. It's another when the undercard has already sent people into comas. The dissention was sold in this one throughout. Everyone was leery of everyone else and the fatal four-way idea that Matt Dawgs laid out last night on the Club seems like the only viable option right now. In the present situation, the tag titles make more sense on Cena and Michaels than Orton and Edge. Shawn and John can play the untrusting partners while the heels can play the blame game. You can heap some of that blame on the R Rated Superstar easily. After all, it was Edgar who left the ring at one point while Randy was left scratching his head. Edgy Cage did return to the action, though. Alas, it wasn't enough to save his belts, though. When the WWE Champion finally got the hot tag, he hit an F-U on Cowboy Bob's kid and scored himself a pair of tag belts.
Following the official word, The Marine held up his belts to the roar of the crowd. Behind him, Shawn Michaels was tapping his foot on the mat. John turned around and saw the set-up. This lead to a fierce argument between the new tag champions. Just when things were about to go over the edge, the bells started to toll.
With organ music, blue lights, and smoke, the Undertaker was in the house. Taker stood on the ramp as his music played. Then he…did nothing. He just stood there as we faded to black.
All in all…I'm so bored I could cry. With the exception of the final 10-15 minutes, tonight's show was just tiring.
The only way I can really sum up the broadcast is that it was a big two hour valium. I don't know what it was that happened, but all the energy left the broadcast early on and things never picked up again until the main event.
It was evident through Vince McMahon's Donald Trump segment. The image of Vince standing in the ring with money falling behind him was one that will be seen in video packages for years to come. Of course, the audio will be swapped out for some music or something. It would have to be. The crowd was silent while Vinnie Mac melodramatically tried to sell the importance of what was going on. The chairman's voice echoed out in desperation as people ignored him completely and reached up for the cash that was falling around them. It was just a long and boring segment that had no real end to it.
When Donald first showed up on the big screen and talked about how there was "no alternative," I thought he would be taking over ECW or something. Now that would have made sense and really bolstered the feud. Instead, WWE went the same route they always do. They presented spectacle without substance. It was a an attempt at cheap pop. Even worse, it was an expensive failed attempt at a cheap pop.
The Great Khali thing was a big mistake. Two night in a row, WWE showed two stars voluntarily give up the chance to win a title. Last night, it was Test running out on Lashley. Tonight it was Khali doing the Bezerker gimmick and watching his opponent take a countout. What's the point? To show that he can beat Jeff Hardy? Well, duh. He's 7'2. In the WWE storyline world, it's a given. The K-Man is unstoppable. You don't need to put him in the ring with Jeff to remind us of it. We know. All it did was eat up TV time with a sloppy match featuring a poor finish.
Matt Dawgs called it last night on
during the post-Royal Rumble audio with me and Mike Rickard. The best bet right now for Raw is to go the Fatal Four Way route for WrestleMania and put Edge, Orton, Michaels, and Cena all in there at once. Out of everything that's going on in the company right now, this is the one real conflict that has been working for a while. Copeland and Orton are playing the unlikable heels to a tee while HBK can get the crowd going anytime he wants. As for John, he deserves nothing but respect for the advancements he's made in the last year. Top to bottom, these are the top four guys the company has. Nothing makes more sense right now than to put them all in the biggest match at the biggest pay-per-view at the same time.
The main event tag match was the only thing worth staying around for tonight. The audience was popping much bigger than they did for their group-bribe earlier in the night. The post-match deal with The Undertaker can best be described as let-down. It left us with some questions, but made you wonder why they couldn't keep the cameras on for a few minutes more and make Taker speak. When the fade-to-black happened, it seemed like a let-down for anyone who expected some post-match attack or promo.
There was nothing about tonight's show that made you stand up scream "I hate this!" It wasn't "bowling show ugly" as the J.R. phrase goes. It was just boring. Had I not been writing the Raw Insanity, I probably would have fallen asleep.
I'll be awake tomorrow, though. We should be debuting the first of our FOUR NEW AUDIO SHOWS hosted by former WWE names on
. Look that for that sometime in the evening. Then, on Wednesday, we'll have the announcement of this week's guest on Radio Free Insanity and the full uncut interview on the Club.
See you guys then. Thanks for reading. Be Well!