Originally Published January 31, 2005
Tired of the same old amusement park? Need something Xtreme? Well, tell Disneyland and Six Flags to "get the F out," because this year you should go to…
WWE Land ®
Put the XFL, WBF, WWF New York, and No Holds Barred behind you. It's Vince McMahon's newest indulged whim - WWE Land ®. Now you can be a part of the action and live the adventure that is World Wrestling Entertainment!
1. The Yellow Pool of Creativity
2. Vince McMahon's Slip and Slide
3. Kane's Haunted Sex House
4. Randy Orton's "Missed Boat" Ride
5. Ric Flair's Space Mountain
The Ho Train -
The A-Train - The Train
7. Undertaker's Old School Playland
8. Bob Holly's Rental Bumper Cars and Ass-Kicking
9. John Cena's Poo Poo Kingdom
10. Rent-a-Diva Search Loser Pavilion
11. TRIPLE H - THE RIDE!
12. Velocity Snack Bar
13. RVD Free Fall
14. The Stratus-Coaster
15. Kick Eric Bischoff in the Head Game
16. JBL's Crazy New Big Coaster
So much fun, you'll want to kill Paul Bearer! This park has it all. Start the day off on Kane's Haunted Sex House. Ride the Train. Munch away at the Velocity Snack Bar and then try out Ric Flair's Space Mountain. It might be the oldest ride in the park, but it still has the longest line…scratch that. Triple H's ride has the longest line. Space Mountain is just the oldest ride in the park. Enjoy it. Just make sure you go on The Triple H Ride ®. That ride is better - like, way better.
While you're in the park, be sure to get your picture taken with various characters. WWE's Superstars ® are more than happy to pose with you. (Disclaimer: WWE Inc. is not responsible for any sex that Kane may force upon you or your loved ones.)
There's a ton of exciting rides and attractions. Maybe you'd like to stop by the Eric Bischoff Booth and kick him in the head. Perhaps you want to spend some alone-time with one of our newest Divas in the Rent-a-Diva Search Loser Pavilion, or you could always check out our all new ECW Display , located in the back, behind the generator, adjacent to the bathrooms, underneath the skunk cages.
Hungry for a victory? Stop by the Velocity Snack Bar ! Our underutilized talent are more than happy to assist you in finding food that will pin your belly down for the one, two, yum! If you purchase the WWE Super-Combo pack (Burger, Fries, Andros D, and a Soft Drink), one of our enhancement talents will lay down and let you score a three count on them! Take your pick from Steven Richards, Shannon Moore, Paul London, or Garrison Cade! (Brock Lesnar will join the crew later this year.)
Remember the rules and regulations when in WWE Land ®. No short people allowed on rides. Anyone wishing to use our park must be over 6'8. If you're not, then don't come. We don't want you. Small people shouldn't exist anyway. Kill yourself, already. You're using up all of John Heidenreich's air.
It's more than a fun park. It's a…well, it's a really good fun park. Don't believe us? Listen to Vince McMahon himself:
"So much fun, your knees will buckle! I guaran-damn-tee it!"
- Vince McMahon, Lord and Master of Time and Space
The image of Vince McMahon closing out the Royal Rumble from a seated position is one of those wrestling memories you'll never forget. Speaking of forget, what does Randy Orton's life have in store for him now that WrestleMania's main event belongs to another man? Will the Legend Killer continue his downward spiral in light of his loss to Triple H? Can Shawn Michaels rebound from last night's defeat to Edge or was the Royal Rumble the final retribution from Canada? Does the Heidenreich-lovin' Gene Snitsky have a plan for the Katie Vick-lovin' Kane? Has Batista finally crossed the line and alienated himself from the rest of Evolution? Isn't it ironic that after years of tempting fate, Vince McMahon will have to walk with a legitimate silly strut for a while? It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is knife. Black flies, chardonnay, and all that, kids. It's Raw. Don't you think? Yeah it's Monday Night Raw. And I really do think…
Raw Theme Plays. The sex, the Gods, the freaks, the frauds, they're messing with me. Seriously, they're all messing with me. I didn't even do anything to them. They're just being jerks for no reason.
Hey Champ, I was reading over the lines for our opening skit. I had some changes that I thought would make the promo seem more believable.
Sure, Ric. Shoot.
K. I say that you're the best ever. I say that you're the measuring stick of all wrestling. Then I say how I pale in comparison to you. Then, I'll jump up and sort of come over and admire you and then grab and start kissing you. Not like gay, you know? Just like a guy that respects you. Then I'll sort of lay you down on the - whoooo - mat and be all nuzzling on your….
Yeah. Uh, no. Ric, you're character's not supposed to be in love with me.
Wait, what? I thought it was. This whole time I've been playing it up like I had a crush on you. This whole time! Now you tell me! Now you tell me! Oh my God! I must have looked so stupid!
Triple H has arrived and he's in suit and water bottle mode. The Game is in good spirits. Why? Well, Ric Flair will tell you why. You see, Flair was once the greatest of all time. They added the term "arguably" after Shawn Michaels came into prominence. Now there's a new measuring stick. After last night's match at the Royal Rumble, the Game is the greatest wrestler alive. (JG Note: I've never seen obvious politics play out so quickly within a few sentences.) The microphone is deferred to the New Great One, who eyes Randy Orton. We mock Ort's failed attempt to capture destiny. In fact, Destiny becomes a theme. It's the perfect opportunity to piggyback on that "measuring stick" speech from earlier and do another symbolic work-shoot promo:
"You see, I am destiny. This is destiny. And in this business, I control destiny. Now, I can stand out here and put myself over. I can tell you how great I am. But hell, there's no need for me to do that, you people know it. Whether you want to admit it, deep down inside, you know it."
- Triple H, 9:06pm
I think it's funny how he says that he doesn't need to stand out here and tell us how great he is - yet he does it every week. Apparently Jean-Paul is in the hizzle to put over his buddy in blue-blockers, Dave Batista. Davey B made history last night. One day, you'll look back on that moment and remember where you were when it happened. With that, we introduce Batista to the world.
World - Batista. Batista - World.
Triple welcomes Dave to the ring and recounts how he won last night's Royal Rumble. We talk about how he eliminated John Cena, who Hunter refers to as "Puff Daddy." He then imitates a scratching turntable to say that DB tossed him out th-th-th-th-three times. Hip Hop Hunter. Jam it on the one. Now you have a choice, Deacon. You can go to WrestleMania and get your shot. That shot is against the Game himself. Well, Trips welcomes that with open arms. You deserve a chance at his title. Helmsley tells his monster friend that he's proud of him and then cuts down Randy Orton, citing how he's fallen on hard times. After all that the Gamy One has done for you, you have finally grown. Now you're ready to head to the Granddaddy of Them All
Starrcade WrestleMania and face Hunter for the World Heavyweight Championship. After all the praise and adulation is bestowed, Dave takes the microphone and tells his boss that he's heard enough of his Cerebral opinions. Now it's time for Hunt to hear what Batista thinks of him….
Footage from the Royal Rumble: Smackdown Hybrid of Pat Buchanan and Jackie Gleason from
Smoky and the Bandit
, John Layfield, is being interviewed by weird Tough Enough 1 Kid, Josh Matthews. Johhny B says that he realizes how Dave Batsita won the Royal Rumble. He realizes that Dave has a chance to be a big name. Hell, you smell Layfield, son? You smell him?! Well he smells like smoke because he's been through fire! Yee haw and howdy doody, buckaroo. There's an open door for Tista to come to Smackdown and try to be a strong man. He may look like Tarzan, but JBL will make him look like Jane. (JG Note: Those were John's words, not mine. Sounds like he wants to dress him up like a woman. Weird, Bradshaw. Then again, it's 2005. I don't judge.) Maybe it's the champagne and the partying, but J-Babble is a wrestling God and is out of Batista's league.
This causes some giggling from the three initialed Champion on Monday. Triple H tells the video screen that there's only one wrestling God. That God is Triple H! Don't call out Davey either! He'll come and take that title if you think you're so strong! No one is going to ruin this match at WrestleMania, JBL! It'll be Triple H defending against Batista and nothing better go wrong! Helmsley's music plays. Once again, the announcers don't even guess that Hunter might be behind all of this. No one seems to realize. If it was any more blatant who aired the JBL footage, there would have been a little picture of Triple H's face in the corner of the screen during it.
Commercial Break. Da-da-da-da-daaaa…I'm lovin' it.
Still to come: Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit meet La Resistance for the Tag Team Titles.
(1) Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin pinned Simon Dean after a T-Bone Suplex Lawler and Ross talk about how Simon started off as a Raw Sponsor. It's really insane how quickly Simon Dean dropped off the radar. He's wrestling matches that Maven was wrestling in. It was the same formula as New Year's Revolution, except Dean got a near fall. It happened when Simon Supernova got his duffle bag and used it as a shield against the Stinger Splashing Benjamin. He got a two, but then found himself pummeled. One T-Bone Suplex later, he was pinned.
After the bell, Dino says that the only reason why Shelly won is because he uses the Simon System. This angers the former World's Greatest Tag Team member. He comes back and Mavens Simon with another T-Bone Suplex. Shelton celebrates and Jim Ross says that he's not sure if he uses the Simon System or not. Considering that it's fake, I'd guess no.
Backstage, it's Conan the Barbarian with a purple tie, Triple H, giving what for to the little fuzzy General Manager, Eric Bischoff. Listen up, Bischboy, you got some answers to give. Hunter wants to know who played that video of JBL. (JG Note: This skit would have been so much better if Eric answered, "Uh…duh…you did.") Bischoff responds that he does not know. It's a mystery. Hey! Evolution is a mystery. You don't think that…nahhhh. Look, Easy E, you best find out who played that tape or else the Game will ruin your life. EB gets mad. Who do you think you are, Helmsley!? (JG Note: Show him the ring, Hunter. Show him the ring.) He shows the World Title belt, which is the storyline-version of the wedding ring. This belt makes him the top banana. Despite your position, the man with the flat ironed hair calls the shots around here. Trips leaves and Eric waits until he's gone before saying, "We'll see about that."
Commercial Break. Lugz! Buy these shoes are someone from the company will come to your house and kick your ass!
Goddamn Christy Hemme is here with her stupid shirt gun. She shoots souvenirs at people but is interrupted by Edge. He enters the ring and stares at her before retrieving a mic and letting his feelings be known. What's the deal, lady? You want to embarrass the Edgeman? Huh? You want to make him look all stupid and stuff? Don't play dumb, bimbo. Get one of them shirts and the E-Man will show you why he's so steamed under the collar.
She grabs the evil article of clothing and shows us that it's a WrestleMania 21 shirt. This drives Adam Copeland up the proverbial wall. He begins twitching with insanity, causing Jerry Lawler to note that there's something wrong with him. Captain Looney swears that this is an attempt to rub his failures in his face. After all, Copeland blew it last night. He's not going to Mania! The thought of it drives him batty! (JG Note: Imagine how Randy Orton must feel.) He has no problems showing Hemme some embarrassment in return. With that, he grabs her arm. Humiliate Christy? It's going to be tough, Edge. This is the same chick that splashed around in ice cream and sprinkles for ten weeks.
I think I'm God….I know I'm prancing…I bought some chaps…With mir-rors down the side…
Good God, it's Shawn Michaels and he's here to raise the dead. You wanna embarrass people, Edge? Huh? You don't know troubles! As Shawn speaks, his audio cuts in and out. It sounds like an airplane is going by. Realizing the error, someone gives him a new microphone. HBK works it into his speech and gets a reaction from the crowd. (JG Note: Crowds pop for anything that's not in the script. Seriously, they'd cheer for a sneeze. You know, Edge, the Heartbreak Kid thinks that…aaaaaachooooo! Hooray!) It gets worse. After Kid Heartbreak eliminated Kurt Angle from the Rumble last night, Your Olympic Hero -well, not Edge's Olympic Hero cause he's Canadian - returned to the ring and eliminated Shawn. Then he put him in the Anklelock. Ouch, son. So don't tell Michaels about having a bad night. Look you can call Shawn the new Terry Funk because he's middle-aged and crazy. Even though the Rocker has a tag match later on in the evening with Bob Orton's kid, he'll go at it witcha. Right here. Right now. What do you say, punk-ass? Yes or no?
Ah…ah…ah…let me sleep on it. Baby, baby, let me sleep on it…..Actually, scratch that. Edge has an answer right now. No rematch. He's done with you like a used tissue. Instead of another match, why not be a man of your word and shake the Edgeman's hand. Do it or else you'll be getting another Angle-esque beat down, this time at the hands of Adam Cope…
Sweet Chin Music…la la la
Edge hits the deck, Shawn dances around. Ross hypes the show. We got to commercial.
Commercial Break. WWE does an ad for
WWE Theme Addict
that says how Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Yanni, and Kenny G aren't on the album. It would be a funny commercial, if people were actually buying the album. Unfortunately, they're not. Makes you wonder if they would have sold more had they put one of those people on it.
Next Monday Raw goes to Japan.
(2) Maven pinned Hurricane after smashing his knees into his back Goodnight. This match screamed "Don't care about me." Why? Maybe it's because the announcers made mention of the poor showings that both of these guys have had, specifically citing Hurricane in the Royal Rumble. Why even put these two on TV? If you're going to sell them like two bums that get pummeled, why expect people to care? A part of me thought something interesting would have to happen in this match. My rationale was that WWE couldn't just put on a straight up match like this with the buildup being that both of the wrestlers are losers. Weird. In the end, it was a straight up match. The highlight was Maven using a new finishing move. He grabbed Helms from behind, sort of like when Edge does the Edge-amatic. When he fell, he landed on his back, knees up and slammed Hurricanes back into them. It looked good. The match itself wasn't sold at all and really seemed pointless.
Speaking of pointless, Candace Michelle and Maria are backstage chilling. They're interrupted by a bruised and battered Gene Snitsky. The Big Head Machine says that he wandered into the women's changing area because he's looking for someone. He grunts a lot and then stares them both up and down. They ask him to leave and he tells the "Divas" that they have nice shoes. Then he leaves. I feel like WWE has a contest with itself to see how stupid they can make these segments. Why not have him say "A Doyyyyyyyy!" at the end each skit? Maybe he can play the recorder and dance with a midget. There's so many stupid things we can have him do. Come on, guys! We have to do them. We have to beat the Smackdown writers with their Heidenreich. Come on. Put 'em in. Let's do our cheer. One, two, three… whoooooooooaaaaaa - stupid!
Commercial Break. I got it. Clearasil for Dogs. Ah? Ah? Slap a price tag on that baby, it's sold.
Last night at the Royal Rumble: Snitsky and Heidenreich fell in love and Kane remembered that he had a brother.
Mrs. Bischoff's Demon Seed is talking to John Coachman backstage. He's fuming over this JBL situation. Someone is behind this, Coachman. Find that someone! You might not have to look far, kids. Holla, holla, holla. Rodney Mack's old manager, Teddy Long, has returned to his stomping grounds. Why is that? Well, it's to show some love. Fo shizzle. Bisch contends that Long had that Bradshaw video air and has shown up to steal Dave Batista. Teddy tells him that while it's true that Davey B is a goal that T Lizzle has in mind for his brand, he did not orchestrate the playing of that tape. That was someone else, playa. Peanuthead swears that this is the truth and reminds Bischy that last year Chris Benoit jumped shows after winning the Rumble. This year, it should be Batista. In fact, Ted offered him a chance to jump already. It's done, son. Now picture that match…but wait, that might not be the match. Why? Well at No Way Out, Big Show will challenge John Layfield for that gold…in a barbed wire steel cage match! Whoever wins that will go to Mania and defend against Deacon Dave, if he chooses to jump. Now holla. Long leaves and Uncle Eric sends the Coach to make sure he doesn't do any damage.
In the hallway, Randy Orton is hanging out with Stacy Kiebler. She's giggling over something and remarks how she's concerned for Orton's well being. After all, he suffered a concussion last night. Can he throw down? Randall stops her. He says, "This isn't some job to me." He loves getting in the ring. He loves to entertain fans. He didn't win last night. He didn't do his family proud. His father and his grandfather never held the World Title. (JG Note: This would be effective had Randy never held the title. Unfortunately, they already had him win it and now they're trying to sell it as his "destiny." It's ridiculous. He already won it once. Then he lost it. That's not coming up short of your destiny. That's achieving your destiny and losing it.) Tonight he'll prove that he still is the Legend Killer when he takes out Ric Flair and Hunter. He leaves and Kiebler tells him to be careful.
Have fun storming the castle.
Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho go two-on-two with the guys that Batista beat up single-handedly last week. Jim Ross wonders if they can win. Try to figure that one out.
Commercial Break. Clearasil Zit Hit of the Week, or whatever they call it, is Batista shoving a flagpole up Rob Conway's ass. That's just crazy. Going into this next match, I thought we were just going to ignore that. No. We're going to acknowledge that one man beat these two men senseless and then anal raped them with a flagpole. Then we're going to present Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho as their equals. Amazing. No one that works there sees this as a problem?
(3) World Tag Team Champions La Resistance fought Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho to a double disqualification I'm going to harp on this, I know. It's insane. How can you show your audience the two La Resistance members being beaten by one man and humiliated, then have them on the same level as Benoit and Jericho? Tell me again how WWE can't figure out why Chris Jericho can't get to the next level. This isn't a nitpicking thing either. It's not like the Batista match was long forgotten and I'm just bringing it up. They actually aired the footage immediately before the match! The idea is to sell your champions as top stars, not portray them and everyone they encounter as glorified jobbers. The contest reached a messy conclusion. It was Jericho with Conway in the Walls, which was broken up when Sylvan Grenier rushed in and kicked him. Benoit rushed in and everything sort of came "unglued," as Jim Ross called it. Y2J+5 eventually ends up with the Walls of Jericho on Grenier and Robby C attacks. He nails CJ in the back of the head with a tackle and they both tumble to the ground. Grenier covers Fozzy and then suddenly…for no reason, Mike Chioda calls for the bell and the match is ruled a double disqualification. Honestly, there was no reason. Something went really haywire and no one involved seemed to understand what the hell was happening. Jerry Lawler tries to make up some reason for it, claiming that the wrong man was in the ring or something. JR deduces that the ref is still amped up from last night's Royal Rumble, whatever that means. Come on, referee. That was 24 hours ago. How much time do you need to "come down" from that high? Either way you cut it, this match ended horribly and helped to sink two of their upper card guys. Batista wouldn't have fought to no stupid double DQ. He'd have won. Not only that, but he'd have stuck something up their bums too! That Dave Batista, he's like a bazillion times better than those little Canadian people.
Still to come…the Boy Toy and the Cowboy's Boy face Vince's Boy and Hunter's Boy. Then it's Lita's Old Man against John Heidenreich's Homoerotic Grunting Partner in a cage.
Commercial Break. Spike TV has like a four hour commercial for their "Spike the Ball Weekend." There's sports and bikinis. They have the uncanny knack for making sports and bikinis seem boring. It's really quite amazing.
Just a minute. Quiet, everybody. Quiet –– quiet. It's from London….Mister Gower cables you need cash - stop - My office instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand dollars - stop - Masterpiece Chris Masters is coming to Raw - stop - Hee Haw and Merry Christmas…Sam Wainright!
Muhammad Hassan is in the ring to bitch about the Royal Rumble and, once again, he has a valid point. I hate it when heels have valid points. It screws up everything. Yes, he was ganged up on. We saw that. He's right. The problem is that he's a heel. He shouldn't be right. He should have ran around through the ring and hit each one of the guys that were fighting. They should have stopped and then ganged up on him. It would have been a funny spot and taken away any creditability that his argument would have. Jim Ross could say "Hey, he started it, King. He deserved it. He brought it upon himself." Instead we're all like, "Yeah, he got ganged up on. Whatever. Boo." He slips in a mention of how Newsweek has him portrayed as the bad guy. Now, to any American in the back that has ish with his words, get out here and shut up Mu for yourselves. Daivari takes the microphone and speak Farsi. Cue Sgt. Slaughter.
(4) Muhammad Hassan defeated Sgt. Slaughter via Camel Clutch submission Slaughter looks like a big Mean Gene. I can't even tell you how much I hate that he works for WWE. This means that he has to wrestle everyone that needs to get over. It doesn't do as much for Hassan as it appears. Sure he's wrestling the Sarge, but he's wrestling the Sarge in 2005. It's like fighting Mr. T or Carl Weathers today. What's it going to do for him? If he wins - big deal. Sarge is old. If he loses - haha, you lost to an old guy. In the end, it was Hassan defeating Slaughter with the Camel Clutch. Riveting.
Hey. There's certain things about wrestling that drive me crazy. For starters, no one says "one" before someone's name, except for Blanche on the Golden Girls. For example, "Bob, before you leave for the day, make sure you give that completed report to one, Joe Turner." That's just weird. Also, no one who wants to fight someone pushes their nose into the other person so hard that you think they're about to make out. It's truly disturbing. I get it. Benoit and Jericho are mad at each other. Do they have to get so mad that they end up kissing? Anyway, the close talkers get into an argument over the double DQ with the flag bearers. Jericho is upset with Benoit, but concedes that he "brings out the best in" him. The Crippler says the same thing back. (JG Note: Shut up! Just, shut up! You had me at Hello, Crippler. You had me…at hello, eh.) It's getting ridiculous. They come in closer and keep talking in some sort of weird Snitsky/Heidenreich way. Jericho kept saying "I wanna see your best." Creepy. Who's writing these things? They said that Pat Patterson retired.
Commercial Break. Get
Alien versus Predator
on DVD. Bonus footage includes Jesse Ventura beating up Sigourney Weaver.
The Eugene WrestleMania Commercial is good. It's a fun parody of Forest Gump with William Regal and Gene imitating the film. It kind of shows what I meant when I criticized the Rumble commercial. You can do a funny, smart ad for a wrestling show without making your entire roster seem like goofballs. If you're trying to sell them as violent wrestlers, better to have a commercial that shows them being violent, rather than singing.
Triple H is backstage with Ric Flair. He's been thinking, Naitch. Maybe the Game is being selfish. He heard about all the coin that Teddy offered Batista to jump. Triple H is feeling like he shouldn't hold Batty back from making cash. Hell, JBL is someone that Dave can actually beat! If he jumps to Thursday and wins that gold, the Evolvers will run the industry! Ric wets himself at Helmsley's genius. Apparently Flair just slammed his head into a block of concrete, because he doesn't appear to be in on Hunter's plan or realize it's going on.
Eric Bischoff is here and every time I see him, I forget who he is. Seriously, he looks like he went into the witness relocation program. He looks nothing like he did a few months ago. Anywho, here's the deal for next week. Raw's in Japan. So we got…Benoit against Jericho in a Submission match. Cheer, damnit. William Regal teams up with Japan's favorite son, Tajiri, to face La Résistance. Then we'll have Triple H defending the World Title against Edge. No one cheers because most people there probably won't be in Japan next week. Therefore, this announcement means nothing to them.
Hey! Hey, Steph. Look honey, I wrote you a poem. Read it. Read it.
Oh, Hunter! Thank you. OK. "Dear Stephanie. Evolution is a mystery. Full of change that no one sees. Clock makes a fool of history. Yesterday's too long ago. Don't agree with what I know. Tomorrow becomes the place to be." Thanks, honey. It's the same poem you gave me last week.
(5) Randy Orton & Shawn Michaels defeated Ric Flair & Triple H when Orton pinned Hunter We watch last night's issues between Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle. That match should be something to remember at Mania. I like how even though they botch countless angles throughout the year, WWE always knows what it has in the bag and calls upon it. It could be something that sums up the year like Kane/Taker-Heidenreich/Snitsky. It could be an unexpected thing like Batista-Hunter. It could be a long anticipated match like HBK-Angle. The match itself was good. If anything, it made up for a pretty lackluster evening of action. After the Shelton Benjamin Cameo Appearance, Hassan's salute to the '80s, and the La Resistance debacle, this match was a welcome change. The contest raged until Dave Batista lost his cool. He may be on the verge of being a baby face, but he's still a friggin' monster. DB grabs a chair and loses control. He's ejected from ringside and pounds the steel weapon the stairs before leaving. Life went on without him. The mach continued and referee Chad Patton ended up on the canvas. Still, the battle went on. Suddenly Orton reached out RKOed Slick Ric. The camera focused on Randy's blank eyes. Helmsley returned to the ring and set up the unresponsive Randall for a Pedigree. HBK entered and downed him with a Superkick. Suddenly, Edge appeared and ran into Shawn for a Spear. The Boy Toy moved and Trips took the brunt of it. The E-Man bounced while Helmsley lay on the ground. Blank eyed Randy reached over and covered the Cerebral One for a three count. Someone get this kid a mannequin's head - he's losing it.
After the bell, Randy Orton continued his concussion-induced haze. Shawn Michaels held him in arms as if he was his mother. Weird. Ort eventually came around, but looked groggy. I guess it's something. Randy needs a hook. He can't just bounce back to the midcard and fight Val Venis on Heat. He'll be sunk. Hopefully they can give some sort of high note for his Triple H conflict to end on. Being held by Shawn Michaels is a unique route, though.
Commercial Break. Before Jason. Before
. One man haunted your dreams - Boogeyman. I, uh, never had anyone haunting my dreams. I mean, I saw scary movies, but haunting my dreams? Aren't we being a bit melodramatic?
Gene Snitsky couldn't wait. He's here, he's a baby killer, get used to it. Well, hell, fire, and brimstone, son. Here comes Lita's love machine.
(6) Kane pinned Gene Snitsky in a steel cage match Gene and Kane are still bandaged up. WWE is selling this table bump as if they got run over by a steamroller. All that they need is little birds to fly around their heads whistling to complete the Looney Toons "injured" gimmick. The match wasn't good either. These two are both assets to the show. They're both giant monster-like wrestlers. They look better when they're towering over a smaller opponent. Watching them feud with each other is like watching two stumbling giants. For some reason, I'm more into Snitty's character when Big Red's not around. It's as if Mr. Lita reminds me that Snitz's entire persona is based on a stupid storyline. As a character, he's alright. How he came to be, wasn't. The two of them did their verse chorus verse brawl and a little change up occurred. Trish Stratus showed up halfway through. She had a neck brace on. For the most part, she kept to herself. However, when the Red Machine tried to leave the cage, she slammed the door on him. Angered, Kane-o grabbed her by the throat and lead her into the ring. Ross begged the necrophilia man to not hurt her. After all, Frankenstein, that would be wrong. He doesn't have a chance to do his damnest because Gene gets to his feet and knocks him down with a kick. Snits yanks up Strats and tosses her out of the ring. He then grabs the door and tears it off it's hinges. (JG Note: What a wimpy door. What door rips off the hinges so easily? This isn't some cheap metal cage door. You'd think that WWE would get a strong door that could hold wrestler's in, right? Otherwise, what's the point?) He brings the door in to the ring and tries to hit K-Dog with the it. Kane responds by kicking it into his face. He then wedges the cage door in the corner and drops Snits groin-first on it. Reeling Gene-o is caught in a choke slam onto the cage door. It's kind of weird, because you wouldn't expect being slammed on a bouncing chain linked door to hurt more than it would on a hard ring mat. Kane gets the three count. End scene.
The English Announce Team sell us Japan and we watch Kane, lit by red lighting, holding onto the cage. Fade black, people.
All in all…This show was good. There were advances in storylines and a recap of most of last night's activities. Yet it still felt flat at times and dragged at others.
Triple H's setup of Batista is one route to go in the slow build to WrestleMania 21. For some reason they make it more hokey than it should be. Why not just have Triple H show the JBL interview to Batista? Sure, there would be a leap of faith for fans to not call out Helmsley's blatant attempt to back step a challenge from Dave. However, it's far less of a leap than expecting fans to believe that no one can figure out who was behind it. It was Triple H! We know it's him! You know it's him! Everyone knows it's him! It's him! It's you, buddy! I'm on to you. It's just a little thing that could be tweaked to make this feud a bit more believable. It doesn't make the heel Champion look smart. It makes everyone else on the payroll look stupid.
The Benoit/Jericho-La Resistance match was insane. Not only did WWE feel the need to remind us how the Tag Champs were rimrodded by Batista, but they then sent two of their top baby faces to go double DQ with them. Huh? As the cherry on the sundae, the match ended in a big mess. This contest perfectly represented what's wrong with much of this show.
I'm glad that Orton is still in the hunt. At this point, not pushing Randy would kill his career. They need to keep him on top and fresh. If his conflict with Triple H had ended with the Rumble, he'd be dead in the water. Tonight's pin fall over Trip was good for him. It'll be interesting to see how he factors in to the next month and a half.
Say what you want about the Heidenreich/Snitsky-Taker/Kane match that looks locked for Mania, but I'm glad we have it. This match represents the truly ridiculous storylines that have defined the last year. To not have this match featured at the biggest pay-per-view of the year would be like denying it it's spot in the time capsule. "I like your poetry. I like your shoes." Oh, we'll be looking back on this stuff in five years and be so proud.
The Road to WrestleMania is paved with good intentions. Although there's some potholes with filler. See you all next week. Hopefully the slow build Raw has leading to the big event will be enough to give us a well-rounded and exciting show. Let's keep our fingers crossed. I like the way you cross your fingers. I like what you do to babies...