I hope everyone's day is filled with love and puppy dogs and cotton candy or whatever other fruity things Valentine's Day is made of. As for me, my fiancée's bridal shower was Saturday so my apartment is already overflowing with heart-shaped things and fine china (for all those royal dinner parties we hold). When we first made the April 2005 date in January '04, it seemed so far in the future. I can't believe it's now only two months away. That must be how Dave Batista feels. He's just two months from the biggest match of his career. Will Deacon Dave decide to dethrone da Game or focus on the Smackdown strap held by the bridegroom Bradshaw? Can Christian captivate the crowd and crush the Concussion Kid Randy Orton? Will La Resistance have something in store for the newly crowned tag team titleholders William Regal and Tajiri? How can I convince my fiancée to let me walk down the aisle to "Jive Soul Bro" by Slick? Well, get your hearts and flowers ready, kids. You can throw the rice or eat it, it's your call. Just make sure you cook it first. Why? Well because nothing's ever good when it's Raw….

Raw Theme Plays. "Hunter Hearst Helmsley, I'm not letting you, by God, get rid of me. You - complete me…" Shut up. Just shut up, Ric. You had me at woooo. You had me at wooo.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are in the hizzle fo shizzle and they're here to present a solid broadcast. We have Christian facing Randy Orton and Edge meeting Batista. Only a real dork wouldn't be unexcited about all that. You don't want to be a dork, do you? So then cheer, god damnit.

That music can just mean one thing, Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel is ready to roll. Your party host, Y2J himself, takes the ring and stands amidst his 1994-style set. King Bling Bling immediately starts to hype his special guest. She was in the biggest Superbowl commercial. She's a hottie. She's candice…uh, candice….uh, oh…candice Michelle!

Tell Candice Michelle that she's up next.

The Murphy Brown lady?

Here comes Raw Diva #4321, Candice Michelle. She's the buzz of the planet after that wild and crazy Superbowl Commercial. It's been wild! She's been in USA Today. She's been on Howard Stern. In the past week, she's been everywhere short of a Japanese strip club ad. Miss Candy is rockin' the planet and the world can't get enough. All creatures great and small bow to her undying ability and amazing, amazing commercial work. Rembrandt, Shakespeare, Milton Berle - they all pale in the presence of Candice. Such talent cannot be squashed. Such talent cannot be ignored. It is a pleasure, nay - an honor, to present the great Superbowl Commercial of Dame Candice Michelle.

Superbowl Ad features Candice selling GoDaddy.com, a service that provides internet domain names. In the commercial, the shoulder strap on her shirt breaks and she has to hold her boobs in.

Jericho asks her how it felt to be in the ad. She teases the thought of allowing the live crowd a chance to see her dance and strip. Everyone cheers while Chris encourages her to take down her shirt straps and show off her shoulders. Great. At this rate, she'll be naked by June. Let's get Muhammad Hassan out here.

Guess who's here? Muhammad Hassan, that's who! He's with Shawn Daivari and neither appear happy. Before he can say anything, the fans chant USA at him. Yes, the fans chant USA at the guy who's billed as being from Detroit. Hassan points to this segment as an example of American's hypocrisy. Look at the way this grown woman degrades herself on television. However, it was just a few weeks ago that MuHa himself defeated a elderly man Hall of Famer, Sgt Slaughter. Where's the accolades for him? None! No rewards for beating up an old person. Zero! Zilch! Zerola! This is the dumbing down of America. According to Muhammad, Chris Jericho is poster child of Stupidity. Now stop this exploitation before the Hassanator comes down and punks you out. Jericho responds that it is Muhammad that is a Poster boy. He's a Poster Boy for Jackass. (JG Note: Isn't Johnny Knoxville the poster boy for Jackass ?) With that, Jericho questions the sexuality of his agressors. He asks if they have "penises," and then repeats "penis" a few more times for effect. Nothing like getting a good Penis Pop from the crowd, huh Chris? He wonders what the deal could be with these beeches. You have a problem with naked ringrats, boys? Why? Cause you spend all your time together? Because you stare into each other's eyes? Is it because you speak a language to each other that no one else can understand? Wow. Jericho said that one, not me. Insulted, Hassan says he will shut Chris's mouth. Oh yeah, well Fozzy has no problems with that. In fact, he promises to bring the Arab-American Males "downtown to China Town." Mmm. While you're there, try the Dim Sum. Oh wait, he meant that as a metaphor for fighting. Nevermind. The Canadian American Poster boy for Stupidity meets the anti-American Johnny Knoxville from Detroit after this quick time-out.

Commercial Break. Feel the Rainbow. Taste the Rainbow. Yeah, uh…before I agree to anything, can we just clarify what exactly "the Rainbow" is?

(1) Muhammad Hassan pinned Chris Jericho after a Downward Spiral I'm not impressed with Hassan. I can't really put my finger on it either. He's not bad on the microphone, but it's almost as if he loses something as soon as he steps in the ring. He goes from looking like a top heel to looking like a jobber on Heat. I don't know if it's his size or his look. You almost forget that he's playing a gimmick. The other problem with his ring-work might just be chalked up to inexperience. He looks lost at times and Jericho looked like he was carrying most of this one. The big issue here is that he has the type of gimmick that WWE shouldn't have just plugged onto anyone. If they were genuinely serious about striking a hot button issue and debuting a character to get noticed, why not put it on someone that you know is ready to run with it? It's the sign of a bigger problem. It shows that the company is having a tough time matching up good characters with good performers. A gimmick like Hassan can be something that your show can focus prominently on. It can't do that if the guy playing it isn't ready to be focused on. It would just seem like a waste if all this went by way of Mordecai. Things picked up here and there, but seemed pretty slow at times. The finale saw Daivari jump on the apron and eat a Y2J springboard dropkick. However, when Chris turned back to his opponent, Mu hit him with the Downward Spiral and scored the upset.

Backstage, Ric Flair seems to have fallen in love with his cell phone. He's talking to it and mentions something about Valentine's Day. He's joined by Triple H, who's sporting a new Ole Anderson-like 1890s sideburn-mustache combo. Helmsley heard a rumor. He heard that John Bradshaw Layfield, the Smackdown Champ, is heading to Raw. He wants to confront Batista. That isn't going to happen though, Ric. You tell Dave that if JBL shows up, Hunter will do away with him. After all, that's what friends with funny beards are for. Flair runs off to deliver the message and bludgeon virgins.

Commercial Break. Truth.com has an ad with a parody TV sitcom about a Tobacco Company. It's supposed to illustrate how it would all be "funny if it wasn't true." The sad thing is hat this sitcom idea is more original than 90% of the sitcoms that have come out in the last five years.

WWE Hall of Fame is proud to announce Rowdy Roddy Piper as a 2005 inductee. Roddy Piper and World Wrestling Entertainment remind me of those couples in high school that would break up, fight in public, and cry to all their friends, only to then get back together and do it all again a week later.

Randy Orton is stoked about the Hall of Fame ceremony. He's telling Stacy Kiebler how his dad, Bob Orton, will be inducted. Bob's former running buddy, Roddy Piper is getting a spot too. After all, it's a well known fact that Orton plus Piper equals trouble! Well, well, Mr. Orton, I do declare, you're the one who's trouble. In fact, Miss Hancock would like to know if you'd be so kind as to go out with her. Tickled pink, the Head Ache Kid agrees to the date after he does away with Christian later on. So much for handling Andrew Martin and his "Testicles."

Batista is in another part of the arena talking to Maria. (JG Note: So much wrestler-diva fraternizing going on! Johnny Ace, where are you?) Ric Flair shows up and cramps his style. Listen, Deacon, Flair heard that JBL is on his way to Raw with you on his mind. Don't sweat it though. Triple H has your back. Don't worry. If it gets out of control, you can always just go to WrestleMania and beat up Bradshaw for the Smackdown World Title, instead of , you know, facing Hunter. Tista gives Naitch a sly eye and says that he'll make that decision after No Way Out. (JG Note: No Way Out? What the hell is No Way Out? Is that a band? Oh, it's a pay-per-view. When is it? Sunday? What? There's a pay-per-view on Sunday? Holy God.) Ric nods and tries to leave, but is halted. Dave tells him that if John Layfield does show up, Helmsley should stay out of it. He's not involved. This is between JBL and Batista only. What? Hunter's not involved? This is Raw, pal. I'm guessing Batista didn't read the handbook.

Commercial Break. Starting February 26th, Spike TV will present "Slammin Saturday Night." The catch phrase is "We destroy. You enjoy." Funny enough, Brian Gewirtz has that bumper sticker on his car.

Grunt…Grunt….Grunt….Hey Shelton….Grunt….Grunt….I like…I like the way the writers have no idea what to do with you….Grunt…Grunt…

(2) Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin defeated Gene Snitsky via disqualification Jim Ross talks about Shelton Benjamin's humble beginnings but doesn't delve into Gene's childhood. It's pretty hard to picture Gene Snitsky as a kid. The way that they treat Benjamin shows that they have absolutely no clue how to use him. Lawler implies that he's a criminal. That's the extent of his character right now. It's really a shame considering the skills that Benji has. It's the exact opposite of what I was talking about during the Muhammad Hassan match. Here's Hassan, who's still green, getting tons of character development. Then there's Shelton, who's ready to receive a substantial push and presently holds the second most important title on Raw, having no persona other than his "humble beginnings." What's the point? I'd rather they had the Intercontinental Title on a performer that they had some sort of aspirations for. Watching Shelly get misused while he has the belt is like watching WWE kill two things at once. In the midst of all this, Jim Ross makes a funny:

"As far as I'm concerned, it's people like Snitsky that'll never go into the WWE Hall of Fame because he's got no character."

- Jim Ross, 9:37pm

Well, that's a multi-edged statement right there, huh? No character. No shot at the Hall of Fame. No wonder I'm falling asleep. According to Jim, Roddy Piper is someone who deserves the accolade. Ross asks if we can imagine what Piper's acceptance speech will be like. (JG Note: I'm guessing there'll be about a minute or two of "Hyahhs," points, winks, and "you damn betchas." Following that about four minutes on Hulk Hogan and the mid-80s. Then about an hour and a half on how great the McMahons are. I'm basing this on past Piper promos and past Hall of Fame speeches.) The match came to a crashing halt when Gene, sporting a Captain Lou style rubber band on his goatee, realized he couldn't win and smashed Shelton in the head with a chair. The bell rang and Snitty made funny faces as he stood on the ramp. Get that man a baby! He's hungry! Arghhhh!

Still to come: the Deacon from the Gates of Hell in Washington DC meets the long-haired Canadian that You Think You Know.

Commercial Break. Lectric Shave Pre-Shave Lotion makes the hair on your face stand up straight before you shave it. They were originally thinking about calling it "Face Viagra," but test audiences didn't respond well.

(3) World Tag Champions William Regal & Tajiri defeated La Resistance when Regal pinned Rob Conway William and the Japanese Eugene make a solid team. It's the best move that WWE has done in a while when faced with an injury. They turned a negative into a positive and used Tajiri's past relationship to sell their reunion and have the partnership appear to be done out of desire rather than desperation. It was pretty seamless. This match really showed how La Resistance needs some sort of change in their act or else their doomed. An uneventful and sudden ending further pushed the French Canadians down the ladder. It was an out-of-nowhere knee to Rob Conway's head that gave Regal a pinfall. Even the announcers didn't realize the finish had occurred. When you get beat with a move that no one even notices, you're in trouble. Despite their strong capabilities as a team, Conway and Grenier may have finally reached the point where they'd have more chance in the dangerous singles midcard ranks than as a disrespected team. Who knows what brought them to this point. It could be that their just getting played out as a team after spending so much time together. It could also be because Batista stuck a flagpole up their asses three weeks ago. Either or. Take your pick.

Commercial Break. The Smackdown Commercial hypes the #1 Contender tournament as something special. After all, the winner goes on to get a World Title Match. Let me see if I understand this right. Smackdown Tournament to face World Champion - Good. King of the Ring Tournament to face World Champion - Bad. Gotcha.

So we can plug Batista into the Mania slot. Now what the hell are we gonna do with the Orton kid? We need to freshen his gimmick.

We can do whatever we want with him. It doesn't matter.

(4) Randy Orton pinned Christian after an RKO This was a solid match. Both Randy and the CLB worked extra hard and delivered a really well-put together contest. It was the type of match that the announcers didn't have to fake their way through. It was genuinely exciting and the audience was firmly into it. If anything, it shows how Orton's recent stint as a struggling main eventer overshadowed the work he can do in the ring. With an opponent like Christian, Ort didn't have the stigma of trying to live up to a spot. He could just wrestle. That's what he did and together with Sister Christian, he delivered. This is probably one of the best matches that Raw has had in a long time. Fans were into the near falls and false finishes and got behind every bump. There was even reaction for Tyson Tomko's interference, as Ty continued to benefit from his Christian friendship. Fed up with his interference, the ref bounced the T-Man from ringside and Orton and Captain Charisma were left to battle one-on-one. The arena reacted strongly to everything that followed. Christian got a close two count and responded with a tantrum. His attention diverted, the CLB found himself nearly RKOed, but blocked it. Undaunted, the Legend Killer tried, tried again and went for the move once more. This time he nailed it. Three seconds later, Ortles takes the win. After the match, the King seemed genuinely impressed with what he had just seen. Considering that neither Christian or Randy have "puppies," I'd say that's a pretty impressive feat.

Ring. Ring. Hello? Teddy Long? Fuzzy Wuzzy Raw GM Eric Bischoff calling. You want to send JBL here tonight, Peanut Head? That's fine. Uncle Eric invites you to bring it on! The Deacon will destroy Jeb Bush John Layfield. With that, Bisch hangs up. Suddenly, Edge appears. What a big surprise, Bischoff. You're talking about Batista. Everyone's always talking about Batista. Batista! Batista! Batista! He's the animal that cost Edgy the World Title last week. Does he get punished? Noooooo. He gets goodies. Screw that! Tonight the former Brood Member teaches the Rumble Winner a lesson. Now, here's a little question for you, Bischoff. What happens if Dave jumps to Smackdown and challenges Bradshaw? Huh, you little Mark Burnett Wanna-be? Who goes to Mania for the Raw Title Match? Eric thinks for a moment, but is cut off by the Canadian's thoughts. Edge says that he will do it. He will step in. He will face Triple H. He will save the day. He'll even prove it. Tonight, the E Man will down Deacon Dave and show how he truly deserves to face the Game at WrestleMania. He'll show you, Eric! He'll show the world!

Commercial Break. Now Subway Subs can be toasted! Why the hell did it take so long for this? I'm pretty sure that toasters have been around for a while. We had one when I was a little kid and that was the '80s. You want me to applaud you, Subway? Fine. Yay. You discovered toaster ovens.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler like the Japanese fans better than they like you. Seriously, they told me. Don't quote me on this, but I think Lawler actually said something about your mother.

Trish Stratus is here and she's got some weird belt on her shoulder. I think it's called the Women's Title or something. Whatever. Anyway, the Silly Championship Belt Lady touches upon candice Michelle's epic Superbowl Ad. It appears that Candy and the rest of the new hooches are trying to steal her spotlight. Miss Trish ain't letting that happen. She doesn't care if you're "Britney Friggin' Spears." Now let's take care of some business with the Raw Diva Winner. That's right. Let's get the $250,000 T-Shirt shooter out here to face that Stratus-music.

Out comes Christy for a face to face with Strats. Trisha mocks her talent and imitates her head bob. She then reminds us all of the "slut" chants that fans once gave her. Why? Well, because those chants no longer bother Miss Stratus. No way. They roll right off her back because Hemme has agreed to pose naked for Playboy magazine! Not only is she going to be on the cover, but she'll be inside in "all her naked glory." It becomes apparent that this isn't a positive speech. It's a negative one. According to Trish, "the only slut around here" is Christy.

With a smile on her face, the big fore headed Diva Search winner claims to be proud of her Playboy pictorial coming out. That's not slutty. According to Christy, "sleeping with half the locker room" makes you a slut. Apparently these words stung Strats as she knocked down the Quarter Million Dollar Federette and left the scene immediately.

Commercial Break. The Basic Instinct WrestleMania Ad with Stacy, Christian, Benoit, and Jericho is the best one yet. It's rare that WWE produces something that's genuinely funny. This was one of those times and they did it well.

(5) Kane pinned Simon Dean after a Chokeslam They might as well call Simon Dean "Dale Wolfe." He's a jobber with promo time. I said it before, I like Mike Bucci's work as the one-dimensional character. The problem is that WWE is working so hard to build the persona of a mid card jobber. It's fun to watch him get pummeled, but where does he go after that? They're setting him up for a long run of nothingness. Simon got a few offensive moves in, but ultimately went nowhere. It was Kane hitting a predictable Chokeslam for the pinfall.

Is JBL coming to Raw? We don't know. Apparently no one on the Raw payroll has Bradshaw's cell phone number. We'll be back, right after this...

Commercial Break. Whenever I hear Lionel Ritchie's song "Hello," I'm going to think of biting a person's face off. Thanks, Starburst, for adding just a tiny bit more insanity into my life.

The Big Bald Coach is holding a Japanese Wrestling Magazine and confronts Shawn Michaels with it. Hey, HBK, you seen this ish? Apparently Kurt Angle is bumping on you, son. He says that he made you tap. He punked you. How do you respond? Clad in his suit, Shawn says that Angle should focus on this mysterious No Way Out thing on Sunday. He has a chance to become World Champion. He should set his sights on the tournament, not the Boy Toy. Just to answer your question though, Coach, Shawn is aware of the situation. Now if you'll excuse him, Mr. Michaels has some leather pants to put on. Ta-ta for now.

Batista is slapping his legs and putting on kneepads in the dressing room. Triple H joins him and they start to discuss the JBL situation. You want to handle this all alone, Dave? How can that be? Tista says that he needs to do this alone. After all, it's his battle to fight. No, no, Deacon. That's not true. You just don't understand because you're dumb. Hunter explains that this conflict is between Bradshaw and Evolution. Let H back you up. Again, Davey Boy disagrees. Layfield isn't talking smack about the Evolvers. He's talking smack about Dave and Dave alone. This is a one-on-one thing, Gameboy. It's DB's fight, not yours. Despite this, Trips says that he will have his boy's back if anything goes down. Triple H and his Amish beard to the rescue!

Lex Luger, I mean Lex Luger, no, no…I mean, Lex Luger, damnit! I mean Chris Masters is going to be unveiled next week on Raw. I love remakes. I wonder if they can hire young wrestlers to play Tatanka and Skinner too.

Batista makes his choice and signs a contract next week. What's the point? If he doesn't like the contract he signs, he can always just sue, right? Isn't that how it works?

Speaking of Tista, he's on his way to the ring. That's not the story, though. The story is who's in his corner…

Hey Steph. Happy Valentine's Day. I bought you a box of chocolates.

Oh, Hunter. That's sweet, but I'm deathly allergic to chocolate. You know that.

Hunter applauds his manservant while Edge enters the ring. The time for talking is done. The time for fighting is now. Ding, ding, ding.

(6) Batista fought Edge to a no contest You know what Edge's downfall will be? WWE's opponent selections for him. It's mind boggling. Here they have a wrestler playing an amazing heel and you're putting him in matches with the heel World Champion and his tweener partner. It just feels counterproductive. It also makes you wonder what the exact plans are for him at WrestleMania. With such a strong character, Adam Copeland could be pushed to the wayside. He's a name that doesn't have a solid story for the pay per view. The same can be said about Shelton Benjamin and Chris Jericho. Let's see if WWE takes the lazy way out and books a three way for the Intercontinental Title. It would really be a shame to see a character like heel Edge go into the leftover match at Mania. While not completely dominant, Batista had control for a good amount of the match. He nails the E-Man with a Powerbomb, but can't follow up. Triple H rushes in and pushes him away. Look at the TitanTron, David. Check it out. It's Boss Hogg's car . That can only mean one thing. JBL is here and business is about to pick up.

Ric Flair appears on the stage and waves them in. Both Hunter and Tista leave the ring and walk up the aisle. They journey through the backstage area and head to the parking lot. Dave looks focused while Helmsley rambles on about how Bradshaw is messing with Evolution. After listening to Terra Ryzin's babbling for a while, Batista stops him. Shut up, Gamy. This ain't about you. Now stay out! The Deacon screams at his boss and then turns to face John Layfield alone.

Outside, on what appeared to be the set of Rocky V, Batista is calling out JBL. Where you at, bucko? Show your face! Show your face! Suddenly, headlights appear. The car starts and it looks like Davey B is a goner…until Triple H springs into action. He tackles Batista and saves him from the speeding car. (JG Note: When Triple H tackled him, they landed in a pile of cardboard. How lucky for them. It's almost like it was meant to be there. Hey! Wait a minute…) They both jump up and the BradshawMobile drives off. Dave tells the Game that he'll be stopping by Smackdown on Thursday. Everyone's out of breath in the parking lot as we fade to black.

All in all… Eh. The way you feel about tonight's show is based on one thing. How do you feel about the JBL-Batista storyline? If you're liking it, then you're enjoying the hell out of it. If you think it's transparent and predictable, then you're not. As the primary angle, so much rests on that. If you thought that Layfield would really show up, you were intrigued. If you knew he wouldn't, you were rolling your eyes for two hours. It's one or the other.

Personally, I like how they're using characters from other shows to build up the Raw storylines. These types of inter-brand conflicts have helped to make Wrestlemania distinctive at a time when distinctive things are few and far between. It's exciting to watch the company return to the way it was before the split and follow angles from Monday to Thursday. It's different and it's interesting in that respect.

The angles with JBL, Hunter, and Flair, all seem to succeed in spite of themselves though. The conflict between Triple H and Batista has been teased so long that the eventual split will most likely be tremendous. Everything they do now is almost secondary. I do wish the set up wasn't so blatant, though. I'm not saying that the storyline isn't working. It is. It's working well. I think there's some obvious holes that can be filled, but nothing really glaring. With Mania fast approaching, the Batista turn should be on it's way at any time. Then we'll be able to measure the true value of all this. We'll see him as true Main Event baby face. Until then, we're just dealing with "What ifs."

With the exception of the Orton-Christian match, there wasn't much else going on tonight. It was a treadmill Raw that didn't set out to advance much outside of the top angle. Other things were touched upon, but nothing too substantial. Once we pass Sunday's Smackdown pay show, we'll be strongly on the road to WrestleMania. Then things will come together and we'll get a better idea of what's coming our way. If past years have been any indication, this will be the last stagnant Raw we'll have for a while.

I'll catch you all next week with some more Raw Insanity.

…and Remember - Friends don't let friends get run over by Bradshaw.