JG's Retro Raw Insanity
JG's 2/16/06 Raw Insanity: Triple H and Big Show Get Rewarded For Losing
By James Guttman
Feb 16, 2012 - 7:40 AM

Originally Published February 16, 2006


So...did you enjoy your Valentine's Day?  No?  Probably because you didn't hand out the right Valentine's Day Cards.  "I Choo-Choo-Choose You?"  Come on!  Update your hand outs, man.  Next year, try giving out the cards that the stars do.  They're all the rage and guaranteed to get you some lovin'.








Did Santa bring you what you want for Valentine's Day?  Probably not.  Santa's Christmas, dummy.  Now that the whole world as seen this show before I have, let's play catch up with Thursday Night Rawdown!

Cue Hunter.

Hunter?  I thought he was in the hospital.


Didn't Dick Cheney shoot him?

No.  Cheney shot a Hunter.  He didn't shoot Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

Oh .  OK.  Oh well.  God, I hate Dick  Cheney.

Triple H opens Raw like a big wet-headed, green-glowing, fuzzy-faced welcome wagon.  He's here to take on the Big Show in round two of our illustrious Road to WrestleMania 22 tournament.  The winner of this one faces the winner of Rob Van Dam and Chris Masters.  The winner goes on to WrestleMania, where he will face whomever the champion might be at the time.  Will it be John Cena?  Edge?  Mindy Cohn from the Facts of Life?  Who knows?  Let's get Big Show out here so he can do that magic that he does so well.

1) Road to WrestleMania Tournament: Big Show and Triple H fought to a Double Countout.

This was a pretty good match, as you might expect.  I know we all bitch and moan about the misuse of Big Show and we're right.  He's not Andre and has never really been given the traditional "giant" gimmick.  However, the thing that WWE does do right with Show is that that they put him in some crazy spots based on his size.  There was the exploding ring with Brock Lesnar.  There was the tee-ball practice with Rey Mysterio on a stick.  Tonight was no exception as the finish to this one, while not as original as the announcers pretended, was still a cool sight to see.  We're skipping ahead, though.  The match was good with Trips doing some good selling for the Showster's offense.  They mentioned "the King of Kings" like 90 times and it's pretty uncomfortable to hear.  (JG Note:  It's just funny to see them continually give Helmsley more and more elaborate nicknames and then force-feeding them to the announcers.  We had "Cerebral Assassin."  We had "The Game."  Now he's "King of Kings."  I give it a year before the Coach is saying, "There's a big knee to the head by Triple H, the Illified Daddylord Master of Power and King Sh*t of F*ck Mountain!")  Thanks to a vicious toss to the ring post by the King of Kings, or K.O.K, Biggie starts bleeding fairly early on.   So this brings us to our first lesson of the night:

"When flesh meets steel, flesh will lose every time."
- Joey Styles


There's some back and forth action for a while and the crowd seems into it all.  Biggie eventually hits the K.OK. Master with a choke slam but only gets a two count.  In turn, Hunter hit a Pedigree which Show kicked out of!  Everyone was surprised.  Styles asks if it's 2 and 3/4s but Lawler says it's 2 and 7/8ths.  Ah ha.  John Coachman also continues his trend of lying about things for no reason by saying that he thinks that no one has ever kicked out of the Pedigree.  Yeah.  There's a better one later on during the Cena-Edge match.  Finally Show and Hunt roll outside the ring and get counted out.  What?  Counted out.  Yup.

Well, that sucks.  They do a nice job of covering up the disappointing finish by tossing in a good spot.  The two brawled around ringside and the battle raged on.  Trips ambushed Bigs but was countered.  The Giant cleared off the announce table, told H to kiss his ass, and attempted a choke slam through it.  Triple counted with a boot to the bobos and grabbed himself a chair.  Unfortunately for him, he would have needed an assault rifle to stop Show.  Biggie hit him with a spear right through the barricade.  Trippy landed all twisted and sick.  It seriously looked like he had been folded in half .  Nuts.

They've done this spot before.  It wasn't brand new.  It was impressive looking and Hunter sold it great, but it wasn't  a first.  They did it before.  When? 

But Berg's luck ran out as Christian clotheslined him over the top.  Rosy attacked on the outside but a reversal found the big man rammed into the post.  Just as he regained his composure, Bill hit him with a Spear right through the barricade.  Awesome stuff.
- JG's 4/28/03 Raw Insanity

That's not to say that the spot wasn't good.  It was.  The awkward position of Captain K.O.K. afterwards really sold it well.  So the spot was nice.  The double countout finish that was a different story.

Commercial Break.  "This Valentine's Day, give the gift that will make your heart stop.  Buy
Saw 2 on DVD ."  Oh that's a great plan.  Hey, Bob.  How'd your wife die?  Valentine's Day gift.  Wow.  That sucks.

Mr. McMahon selected Shawn Michaels Retro Moment:  The Famous "I Lost My Smile" Speech.  I can empathize.  I lost my VCR remote.

We're back and Jerry Lawler just witnessed something he thought he'd never see.  Big Show put Triple H through the barrier.  (JG Note:  As I just mentioned, it's a moment that Lawler did see.  He was there when Goldberg did it.  Uh oh.  They say memory's the first thing to go.)  We watch the Goldberg spot again and Styles talks about the double countout.   Everyone's in a tizzy over what will become of the King of Cable Tournament.  Will RVD and Chris Masters be the final match?  They all assume it will be.  Coachman says, "I assume" and "I guess" when speculating that the winner of Masters and Van Dam moves on.  It's for that reason alone that we all know it won't be. 

Wrestling 101:
If an announcer admits that he's only "guessing" at what an official decision might be, it won't be that decision.  

As luck would have it, we get the answer to our Coachly questions.  Vince McMahon is backstage hanging out with some lawyery lookin' dudes and preparing for HBK's party when Todd "The Heart Throbs Touched Me" Grisham approaches.  Hey yo, VKM.  What's the deal with the tournament?  Is it "safe to assume" that the winner of RVD-Masters will advance to Mania?  McMahon looks shocked.  He asks when it's ever "safe to assume anything around here."   You saw two people lose, Todd?  Well Mr. McTan saw two men win!  That's right!  In an illogical decision, Vinnie Mac declares that by losing, both Big Show and Triple H have advanced!  They'll be going against the winner of Van Dam-Masterpiece in a Triple Threat match next week.  That's right!  Both of them!  (JG Note:  Ugh.)   He tells the former host of Experience and Byte This and probably some other B-Show I'm forgetting to take a walk and never assume anything again.  Exit the Grishmeister.  Enter the image that Vince sees when he closes his eyes and pictures a black woman.

Big Momma Benjamin is wheeling all up in here with Shelton Benjamin doing the pushing.  VKM acts more than cordial, but apparently Momma has something on her mind.  There's been an injustice.  Shelly Benjamin needs a shot at the Intercontinental Championship, which she first calls "The Internet"  before correcting herself.  Come on, Mac.  All the power is in your hands.  Give her baby a Championship shot!  After some crying and face-rubbing, Vinnie agrees that if Benji wins his match against Eugene tonight, he'll give him a match against Ric Flair.  In response, Mom tells Big Mac that he's a "sweet old man."  Hilarious.  McMahon's eyes bulge out of his head as he instructs Shelt to take his momma out of here.  Good skit.  Vince is funny when he pokes fun at himself.  He reacts well to situations where he's mocked.  His eye-bulging and deep gulping are always highlights.  I miss reactions like that.  Lately, all we've gotten is the red faced, vibrating, scream-like-a-banshee Mr. McMahon.  You don't have to be cool all the time, Mr. Chairman.

In another section of the dressing room, Mick Foley, in his handmade ref's shirt, is belting out his rendition of WrestleMania's 1980s theme song, Big Time.  His melodic tones must have some sort of enchanting sound because the R-Rated Superstar Edge and his hoochie momma Lita arrive to commend him.  Good singing, Mickey.  Oh, hey, and did you lose weight?  Wow.  Leets gives Foley the kiss-ass treatment and - surprise, surprise - he appears to be loving it.   She even pretends to read his book "Scooter."  When he presses her for details, she can't seem to recall any.  Finally, Edgy shouts out "No one read your book, OK?!"  He tears into Dude Love and orders him to call things down the middle tonight.  Adam Copeland will take no screwing, pal.  Mick cuts him off.  Chill, beech.  Cactus and you go way back.  Don t worry.  Now Cactus Jack will be fair.  If you put John Cena down for the count, he'll make the three.  However, that doesn't mean that he likes you, Copeland.  You've been pretty crappy lately, pal.  What you did to Hacksaw Jim Duggan doesn't sit well with Mankind.  On that note, the Edgemeister issues one more warning.  Don't play, Mickey.  It'll be a bad move on your part.  MF gives the R-Rated Superstar a stoic look and dismisses him with a "Have a nice day." 

Commercial Break.   No Way Out is this Sunday!  You excited?   Ha ha.  Just kidding.

2) Shelton Benjamin pinned Eugene after the T-Bone Suplex

OK, so no one is mentioning the Big Show thing. Apparently that's a do-over.  They don't want Big Show-Benjamin.  Weird, right?  I can't believe they just dropped that.  They're claiming she went to the hospital because of Eugene's antics.  In fact, at the start of the match, Gene came out with a box of chocolate and wanted to apologize.  Coachman seems to backtrack on his train of thought.  He starts to say that Eugene sent Momma to the ER, but stops suddenly.  When he next speaks, he says that Dinsmore caused the heart condition she now has.  So Dinsy brings out some candy and a handshake, and Coach asks "How do you apologize for sending someone to the hospital?"  Gotcha.  So Eugene sent her to the hospital now.   Good.  Whatever works.  I'll play along, Vince.  But you owe me one.   Crazy Uncle Jerry Lawler says that we have to make the obligatory Forest Gump jokes about Gene and his box of chocolates.  (JG Note:  Get it?  Because he's retarded.  Oh ha ha.  It's kind of like those obligatory Roman Polanski jokes, right?  Hee hee.  What?  What?  Lawler's been involved in movies.  That's what I meant.)  This one ended in fairly short fashion with Benjamin's T-Bone Suplex or "the Exploder," as Styles called it.

After the bell Baby Boy Benjamin told Big Momma that after next week, people won't call him a Momma's Boy.  He'll be called the Intercontinental Champion!  Hey, isn't that what they used to call him before WWE mangled his push?  Hell, they used to call him that a long time ago.  No one mentions that, though.  It' s a buzz killer, you know?

Mr. McMahon selected Shawn Michaels Retro Moment:  Shawn and Triple H mock Vince McMahon on a 10/6/97 edition of Raw and flaunt their MSG curtain call in his face.   This was before he was a Mr. McSuperman.  Nowadays, that segment would end with Vince bludgeoning them both with a crowbar.  He would mount Chyna right as we went to commercial. 

Ashley's adjusting her lingerie tights.  She's facing Torrie Wilson next!  Ooooooo!  Oh, wait.  Sorry.  I pressed the wrong letter.  I meant to write Zzzzzzzz!

Commercial Break.  Watch Monk on USA Network.  I thought Monks couldn't talk.  That doesn't sound like a fun show.

Candice Michelle was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last Monday.  Honest.  Jay Leno - the guy that fought Hulk Hogan on pay-per-view.  That's right.  Former WCW Superstar Jay Leno.  Hold up.  You meant the guy that Eric Bischoff had a talk show to antagonize?  Yes!  THE Jay Leno.  DDP's Jay Leno.  See - and all those cynics say that there's no big name mainstream wrestlers.  HA!

3) Ashley pinned Torrie Wilson with a roll-up

You don't care about this match.  Come on.  Admit it.  You don't care what happened.  If you saw it, maybe you'd pay attention, maybe you wouldn't.  Unless you're Billy Kidman or Matt Hardy, you have no real interest in reading the recap of this match, so no.  If Billy or Matt are reading this, I'm sorry - but no.

After the bell, Candice said that it's all good.  You see, Torrie's loss is OK.  Know why?  'Cause Candy has great news!  (JG Note:  It was the perfect set-up for the "I just saved money on my car insurance," but she didn't do it.)  Well, well, well, My Michelle is going to be on the cover of Playboy!  Oh yeah!  Playboy, baby!  CM GoDaddy promises that her cover will be "the hawwwtest cover ev-er and I can't wait to take it all off."  On that note, she takes off her robe and reveals a bikini.  Uncle Jerry asks Joey "does this count as personal growth?"  Wow.  At that exact moment, I thank God that I can only hear the announcers and not see them.  God knows what Lawler just whipped out onto the table.

Mr. McMahon selected Shawn Michaels Retro Moment:  12/26/05 Raw sees Shawn Michaels step away from all the Bret Hart talk.  He tells Vinnie Mac to grow up.  Move on.  Vamoose.  That was eight long years ago.  McMahon hates the sound of numbers and shows his disapproval by using his angry face.

Commercial Break.  This Saturday, WWE returns to Long Island.  Triple H and I are going to go to Cheesecake Factory and then get mani-pedis.  Yay!

You've got Old Pants!  Old Pants that smell!

Mr. McMahon swaggers his way up to the ring, which is set up for a contract signing.  It has the big desk and two nameless attorneys.  That's right.  No decorations for The Shawn Michaels party.  That's sad.  No wonder the Kid's got a Broken Heart. Anyway, McMahon is stoked to announce that tonight we'll see history made.  This will be HBK's last hurrah.  VKM calls Michaels the "single greatest pain in the ass I've ever experienced in my life."  Poor Vince.  No worse pain than ass pain.

Shawn Michaels arrives and he's wearing his nice suit.  Styles wonders if Vinnie Mac didn't enjoy all the money that Shawn made, to which Coach scoffs.  Just enjoy the moment, Joey.  Vince refuses to give Michaels his microphone and rips into him from the get go.  Isn't this what you wanted, Rocker?  Huh?  Well, here s you video tribute, Heartbreak.  Look at the Titantron .

Psyche.  Nah.  You don't get a video, goober.  Vinnie didn't make a musical movie of you.  Instead he got every superstar on the Raw and Smackdown roster to show up and shake your hand.  So let's bring em on out

Double psyche.  Nah.  You don t get a big company-wide love fest, crapstick.  Instead, Big Mac has flown your family in from San Antonio so they can spend this last WWE night with you.  Isn't that nice?

Ha ha!  Triple psyche!  (Hunter Note:  Everything's better in Triples.)  You know what you deserve, buddy?  You deserve a special cheer from the Spirit Squad!  That's right!  The Spirit Squad!  (JG Note:  Enjoy the gimmick now, folks.  They haven't even debuted yet and I'm sick of them.)

"20 years have passed.  Now it's time for you to kiss Vince's ass.  H.B.K. won't be doing so fine.  You'll be headlining the unemployment line."
- Spirit Squad, 9:58PM

Shawn isn't happy and McMahon isn't understanding why.  What's the ish, Michaels?  Not what you imagined your last days would be like?  Huh?  Tough luck, punk-ass.  Sign these papers and retire, Shawn.  Sit down at this expensive looking table and sign.

The Boy Toy isn't playing anymore.  Now he's annoyed Toy.  What's the deal with you, Vince?  Michaels understands that he's been difficult in the 90s past, but that's over.  This is wrong, man.  This isn't what Shawn Michaels wants!  Mac immediately orders his microphone to be cut off.  Sorry, pal.  Only one mic for this segment.  That mic belongs to the man who signs the checks.  Now you better move your born again behind and put your John Hancock on your retirement. 

Shawn sits.  Shawn reads.  Shawn looks up.  Shawn doesn't sign.

Shawn stands up.

Vinnie's eyes bulge out of his head.  What the f*ck is going on?!  No?!  No?!  You say "no" to Vince McMahon?!  Ahhhhhhhhh!  You dare to ahhhhhhhhhhhh!  No one dares to ahhhhhhhhhh!  Just before a vein on Vincent's head explodes, Shawn grabs the microphone.

He can't do it, Vin Man.  He may have said that the would walk away from WWE, but Michaels can't do it.  Unlike most of the guys getting buried for no reason each week on TV, Shawn loves this job.  He can't walk away.   He can't walk away from - dramatic pause - these people (fans.)  He calls performing "one of the greatest joys" he's ever known and says he won't leave.  No clue why you're nuts, boss,.  No clue what your motivation is.  All the Heartbreak Man knows is that he ain't walking away. VKM grabs the microphone and replies.

"You wanna know why I'm doing this?  You wanna know why?  Um, I'm doing this Shawn because you have something that I want.  You have something that I can't have.  You have something that money can't buy.  You've got that inner peace.  Hell, you know who you are.  You know what you want.  I don't have that and I want it.  Hell, half the time I don t know who the hell I am.  I don't know what I want except I've got an insatiable appetite for life and I want more, more, more!  Hell, you don't know what it's like being me.  You have no idea what it's like being me.  I mean, I have an empire to run, Shawn.  I've got stock holders to answer to.   I've got a film division to get off the ground.  I've got sponsors and hundreds of employees to deal with.  You don't know the pressure I'm under, Shawn.  You don't know. You don't know that my life is a nightmare!"
Vince McMahon,  10:05pm

Segments like this are the exact reason why newspapers report errors on Vince.  I can see the headlines now:


"The WWF is famous for such stars as the Rock, Jimmy Snuka, Captain Lou, and Dennis Rodman.  But now the head of it all is facing a Smackdown of his own.  Mere weeks after the sexual harassment allegations were first made public, Vince McMahon appeared on an episode of his television program Monday Night Nitro Raw is War on the USA Network and had a nervous breakdown.  McMahon broke down about the stresses of being CEO for the WWF and engaged in a shouting match with one of his employees.  This reporter attempted to contact Mr. McMahon's ex wife Trish Stratus to verify this story, but messages left at her Chicago home were unreturned."

Back to real time, McMahon tells Shawn that he'll now make everything better.  Yeah.  He'll make the Mac Daddy feel better.  Why?  Well, because you'll be sad and Vinnie hates people like you!  You have what he wants!  Now sign the damn papers!  The chairman uses his throat heavy Randy Savage voice to order his co-Bret conspirator to sign those gosh-damned papers!

You think he signed them?  Well, no.  He ripped them up and tossed them in the air as if he was Rip Taylor. Honk honk!  Hooray!

Uh oh.  McMahon responded with a slap to the face.  Bam!  How did Michaels respond?  He stripped.  No joke. He stripped his jacket off and tore his shirt open.  That'll show him, Shawn.  During all that, Vinnie Mac left.  That's right.  He just left.

Vince went up the ramp and told the former DXer that by doing what he's done, he's opened the flood gates to his own personal "helllllllllll."  What a pointless segment.  Honest to God, folks.  This was a pointless lame segment.  They gave themselves such a setup and instead opted to present a prolonged do-nothing for the sake of nothing skit furthering a feud that's been dragged out at a snail's pace.  Something should have happened.  Anything should have happened.  Nothing happened.  The ending to this was flatter than Vader's toilet seat.

Commercial Break.  Smoke pot and you'll lose your bones.  You'll have no bones.  Seriously, that's the premise for this new anti-drug commercial.  It's supposed to symbolize being lazy.  Instead it looks like marijuana turns you into a big Fruit Roll-Up.  Weird.

Guess what.  Bret Hart goes into the WWE Hall of Fame on April 1st.  Good for him.  He worked there long enough and deserves to be honored.  Be sure to visit Bret's exhibit when you go to the WWE Hall of Fame, located in Imaginary land.


4) Road to WrestleMania Tournament: Rob Van Dam pinned Chris Masters after a Five Star Frog Splash.

OK.  So let's pretend that hell freezes over twice in a two month period.  Let's imagine that Rob Van Dam wins the three way match next week and goes on to face John Cena at WrestleMania.  You gotta admit that it won't be as exciting as it could be.  Even if this is all an elaborate Sawyer-like "long con" and Van Dam is the man headlining Mania, it just won't have the same gusto you'd have hoped for.  He's been given little attention upon his return.  His first match back was an early one in the card against Snitsky.  His real issues with Carlito were skimmed over but not really explored.  All in all, RVD is still being treated as an afterthought.  Even if he succeeds here, it still feels like he has only half of the company's effort behind him.  Point your fingers and take away my internet, but Van Dam-Cena at WrestleMania doesn't really grab me right now.  (JG Note:  Then again, Cena-Anyone isn't really grabbing me right now.)  There were a few good spots, but nothing Earth-shattering.  At one point, Van Dam gets knocked to the front row and into a group of fans.  Other than that, this was what you'd expect to see.  Robby V scores the win after hitting the Frog Splash.  Ribbit ribbit. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Backstage, Trish Status's generic boyfriend Jack has flowers.  He enters a room to find "Trish" with her back to him.  Apparently, Jack is a moron because he thinks the wig wearing imposter is his woman.  Hey Stratus, Jackson brought some flowers for you.  She turns and we find out it's not really the Women's Champion at all!  It's Mickie James!  She goes into seduction mode and pushes Mr. Trish into the wall.  Oh yeah, Jacko.  Is that what you like?  Huh, you generic extra?  You like girls that look like Trisha, right?  Come on!  Miss James and your girlfriend are friends!  You know what that means. Friends share!  Now shut up and kiss Mickie!  Alexis pushes the quivering actor into the wall and forces herself upon him.  Jackie refuses and tells the stalker to back off.  He says that although he's only been dating Miss Stratification for a short while, he wants to make it work.  Now please.  No kissy-face, nutballs.  Back your crazy ass up.  MJ gets revenge on this by screaming at the top of her lungs.  She rips her clothes and screams as if she's being raped.  He grabs her to stop the screaming, because, as we pointed out earlier, he's a moron.  A six foot, 120 pound security guard rushes in just in time to see Mickie screaming and Jack shaking her.   He tosses the boyfriend from the room and Mick's tears turn to a smile as soon as they re gone.  Good thing we have that segment on tape.  All Trish has to do is watch one of the 90 monitors backstage.  Maybe they'll even replay it after the break.  That way the security guard will see it too.  I'm sure this'll all be straightened out soon enough.

Commercial Break.  The No Way Out Commercial mentions Randy Orton twice.  It mentions Eddie Guerrero four times.  That should tell you something.

Video Clip:  Stacy Kiebler used to work here.  She's on other shows now.

So we're back and Trish Stratus is tending to the emotional Mickie James.  Mickie says that Trish's boyfriend tried to attack her.  He said "Oh my God, you look like Trish!  I like girls that look like Trish."  She tells the tale of how he ripped her clothes off.  In one of the most ridiculous moments of the night uh, week uh, ever, Trish believes Mickie.  After all the weeks of Little Miss Nuttypants telling Stratus how much she loves her, she still believes her.  Even with Crazy Aunt Mickie losing her shit every time another girl talks to the Women's Champion, she still believes her.  What the hell!?  Didn't she see
Single White Female ?  Get your ass to Blockbuster, girl.  Anyway, Officer Beanpole backs up Jennifer Jason Leigh and Miss Trish has no choice but to express her condolences and hug her crying friend.  Stratus feels so sorry for you, Mickie.  The crying stalker says that she's just glad that Strats didn't have to go through that.  If anything happened to her...why, she doesn't know what she'd do. (JG Note:   I swear to God, I have a headache.  Between Jack not knowing what Mickie looked like when he met her, even though she's on TV, and now this, I'm just tired.)

Next week:  Shelton Benjamin meets Ric Flair for the Intercontinental Title. 

We then rewatch the end of the Hunter-Big Show match earlier.  Hey.  Wait.  If we're cueing up tape, why not cue up the Jack segment from before and show it to Trish?  That would solve all this, right?  Right.  She'll see that her boyfriend is innocent.  Yo, Dunn.  Roll that tape.  Roll it.  Kevin?  Kevin, can you hear me?  Roll the tape.  Roll the Mickie skit. Yoo-hoo,  Ke-vin .

Recap of Edge's feud with Mr. Popular.

Mick Foley's Tribute Will

I, Mick Foley, being of sound mind and body do hereby sign this will right here in the lawyer's office!  Alright!  Yeah!

You can have a tribute show devoted to me, but it has to take place right here in __________ (insert name of city where most people in earshot are from)!  Alright!  Yeah!

Bang bang.

Have a nice day.

Mankind, Mick Foley, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love

5) WWE Champion John Cena pinned Edge after the F-U

Yeah.  Um.  Not sure where to mention this, but I want to openly state my dislike for Edge's new outfit.  It's bright red and he has a big "R" on his groin.  It looks like he named his package "R."  You know, sort of like it looks like Undertaker named his throat "Sara."  Most of this match was the basic stuff, but half way through we got a surprise when referee Foley ejected Miss Lita from ringside.  Coachman lies for no reason during this one too.  He actually says that Edge has gotten Raw the highest ratings it ever had when he was champion.  Everyone scrambled to say he was lying on that one.  Despite her pleas, she had to vacate the area.  At one point, The WWE Champion went for his patented F-U, but was reversed into an Edge DDT.  He only got a two and the duo embarked on a serious counters that resulted in Mankind being knocked from the ring.  As luck would have it, this was the exact moment that Edge would have lost.  John locked in his STF-U (JG Note:  I still haven't gotten over how ridiculous it is that he added a U to the STF for no reason other than the fact that it's a new move he learned.) Copeland tapped, but Mr. Bang Bang was no where to be found.  Suddenly Miss Amy reemerged from the locker room, but was confronted by Cena.  His attention diverted, Dr. Thugface was plastered across the noggin by his own title belt thanks to the Edgemeister.  Again, he only got a two count.  What followed was a pretty sweet finish.  Adam jumped to the top rope and flew at JC with a high cross body.  The Champ caught him, hoisted him upon his shoulders and slammed him down to the mat.  1, 2, 3.  John Cena retains.  God help us all.

After the bell, Lita nailed Foley in the Socko Holder and Edge speared him down.  Angry about the result, Adam has taken his aggression out on Mick Foley!  That's right.  We get a glimpse at the WrestleMania match that no one was really expecting as we fade to black.

All in all Wow.  What an underwhelming Raw.  You'd think that with a three day lull between the taping and the U.S. broadcast, WWE would go out of their way to produce one of the best shows they could.  That way people would be clamoring to tune in. Sadly, they didn't.

Forget three day lull.  How about the Road to WrestleMania?  Aren't we on it?  Seems pretty lame to me.  We can all sit here and talk about the weak potential Mania card, but that's not the issue.  We can't really comment on the card itself until it actually plays out.  At this point, the most we can do is say that it's weak on paper.  Why?  Until the day of the show, all we have is "paper."  As of now, the paper sucks.

Again, that's not the real issue.  The real issue is WM 22's horrible buildup.  This is supposed to be the biggest show of the year, right?  Doesn t feel that way.  It's starting to feel like what it really is.  A company light on dream matches is trying to cash in on the tarnished options they left themselves.

On the Raw side, Triple H vs. John Cena seemed cool .last year.  On a good note, Hunter may have finally found someone that fans actually want him to take a title from.

Now, OK.  There's other options, right?  We have John Cena vs. Big Show which won't happen.  We have Rob Van Dam vs. John Cena, which would seem like a nothing match given the little attention RVD has gotten in his return.  It's just not fun.

On the Smackdown side, Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle seemed cool a year and a half ago.  Although Rey Mysterio would have been a good swap-out for Orton, WWE made sure to tarnish all that by giving him the uncomfortable "Do It For Eddie" gimmick.

Edge against Mick Foley isn't a bad match-up.  It's just an unneeded one.  Who's been calling for Foley-Edge?  I had never really thought about it.  It's cool, I guess.  That's not the reaction WWE's looking for?  Is it?

There was so many bad things about tonight's Raw.  There was the flawed logic of Vince allowing Hunter and Show to move on.  There was the glaring logic hole of Mickie James and her fake rape being caught on tape (the same tape they can rewind and show replays from).  There was the amnesia effect regarding the cause of Big Momma's hospital stay.  There was the long drawn-out McMahon-Michaels skit that accomplished nothing by the end.  Storyline-wise, tonight's show bit the big one.

Wrestling-wise, it was OK.  Nothing great.  Put it all together and you have a big ball of broiled mediocrity.  Yawn.  The Road to WrestleMania sure is great, right?

That's it, guys.  Check back later today (Friday 2/17) for JG's Radio Free Insanity with Kevin Kelly and David "It's Still Real To Me" Wills.  Thanks for reading.  Be well.



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