JG's Retro Raw Insanity
JG's 2/18/08 Raw Insanity: JBL is King Kong Bundy To Hornswoggle's Little Beaver
By James Guttman
Feb 18, 2016 - 8:15 AM

Originally Published February 18, 2008 

Sunday Night...Las Vegas...Sizzler....

I got two steaks for ya!

Triple H, JBL, Umaga, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels are seated at a table.

Triple H: This is awesome. Glad you all decided to come out for a post-Elimination Dinner celebration with me.

Chris Jericho: You told us that we had to come or else you'd withhold our paychecks.

Hunter: No. I told you that you had to get a cake and sing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" to me or else I'd withhold your paychecks.

Jeff Hardy: Yeah, but we can't do that unless we come to dinner.

Hunter: …which is exactly where you are. So what are you bitching about? Yum. Sizzler. I love Sizzler. I met Vince Russo for dinner here once. (looking at the menu) Not sure what I want. Shrimp?

JBL: Yeah. Shrimp is good.

Hunter: Huh? No.  I didn't mean the food. I was talking to him.

Hardy: Me?

Hunter: Yeah. What do you want to order, you shrimp?

Hardy: I'm going to get a…

Umaga: Mmmmmmmm! Yumma, yumma, yumma!

Shawn Michaels: You okay, man?

Umaga: Yeah. I'm just hungry. Anyone want to split a burger with me? I'm sort of watching my figure.

Hunter: Watching it expand, huh? Ha ha ha!

Everyone laughs.

Umaga: (teary eyed) That's not cool. You think I'm fat?

Hunter: It was just a joke.

Umaga: (weeping) You think I'm a fat joke?

Hunter: No! No. No. I was just kidding around.


Umaga runs into the men's room crying uncontrollably.

JBL: What the hell was that about?

Michaels: He's been sensitive ever since Hunter asked him if he wrote "Samoa" on his stomach because they're his favorite girl scout cookies.

Jericho: That's pretty harsh, man.

Hunter: Whatever. More cake for me, shrimp.

Support Your Local Troop

An eight year old boy approaches the table with a pen and pad.

Young Fan: Hey! Wow! WWE wrestling guys! Can I have your autographs?

Triple H: Sure, little guy. Here. (signing) I'll bet your mom's a big fan of mine, huh? I've got two words for her. Ha ha.

Fan: (frowning) My mom's dead.

JBL: Nice going.

Hunter:  I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey. Jeff do that thing you do. Make him smile.

Jeff Hardy: What thing?

Hunter: The sock puppets. You do that sock puppet gimmick. The kids like it.

Hardy. I have…no idea…what you're talking about.

Hunter: You don't do a sock puppet thing? (to Shawn Michaels) Shawn, he doesn't do a sock puppet thing?

Michaels: No.

Hunter: Porkchop? He calls it Porkchop or some lame crap like that.

Jericho: Lambchop. You're thinking of Shari Lewis.

Hunter: Oh yeah. Shari Lewis. I liked her. She'd probably be into me too.  I'd hit that.

Jericho: Dude, she's dead. Shari Lewis is dead.

Hunter: (upset) Damnit! What the hell?! Shari Lewis. This kid's mom. Why do all these bad things happen to me?!

Fan: Um, I'm sorry that my mom's dead. That must be very hard for you.

Hunter: Well, it is. Thanks for understanding. Maybe you should just walk away now.

Mr. Choppo!

As the kid walks away, Umaga returns to the table with a tray of plates. They are full of ribs, chicken, steak, and onion rings.

Michaels: (reaching in) Nice. Thanks, Umaga! I think I'll grab some chicken.

Umaga: Okay. I think I'll eat your hand.

Michaels: (backing off) Jeez. Sorry. It's all yours, big guy.

Jericho: So, who wants to go to a show after this? It's Vegas, after all. Danny Ganz, anyone?

Hardy: Did you just say "fanny pants?"

Jericho: No. Danny Ganz. He does a show out here in Vegas. It's pretty awesome.

Hunter: (clutching his hands) Yeah! Sure. I'll go with you!

Jericho: Really? You wanna?

Hunter: (sarcastically) Yeah! Then we can go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show and paint each other's nails! Ya fruitcake.

Jericho: You don't have to be so mean about it.

Hardy: (excited) Wait…are you serious about painting each other's nails? Because I have a whole bunch in my bag. I always thought you'd look good with a nice reddish….

Umaga: (waving his arms in the air) MUWAHAHAHYABABABABABA!

Michaels: Ha ha. Good one. You're the Samoan Bulldozer, aright.


Hunter: Yo.  Why are you doing your gimmick at the table? There's no cameras around, man.


JBL: Holy crap. He's choking! Everyone give me some room. I learned CPR from Sean Hannity. Move back.

Bradshaw leans down and thrusts Umaga's chest. A bone flies out. JBL then opens Maga's mouth, tilts his head, and places his lips on his own. Layfield breathes in while the Bulldozer slowly returns to life.

As all this is going on, Triple H snaps a picture with his cell phone.


Hunter: Nice.

JBL: (breathing hard and smiling) You got a picture of me saving his life? Yee-haw. I'm a hero!

Hunter: Oh. Is that what you were doing? Saving his life? Sure thing, cowboy. You know what, I'm sure the WWE website would love to do a story on your heroism. I'll send it over to them right now.

JBL: Wow. Thanks, Hunter!

Hunter: (grinning) No problem, Johnny. No problem…

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


ClubWWI Members

James Guttman's Post WWE No Way Out HD Audio
30 Minutes

The Audio Screwup That Started The Show, What Two Elimination Chambers Did That One Couldn't, Why Ric Flair Looks So Old, Praise For Undertaker, Praise For Vicki Guerrero, Big Show's 360, The Orton-Cena Finish, Mike Adamle's Issues, Leave Great Khali Alone, The Rise of Big Daddy V, The Insane Jericho-Umaga Spot, JBL's Return, Why Hunter Pinned The Wrong Guy, WWE in HD, WrestleMania 24, and More.

PLUS, Tomorrow at 2:30pm EST...

1 Hour Shoot Interview with...
ONE OF WRESTING'S MOST CONTROVERSIAL, STRAIGHT-SHOOTING, AND HARD HITTING STARS!  features uncut shoot interviews with over 100 of wrestling's top names including:

Jerry Lawler, Vince Russo, Eric Bischoff, Bobby Heenan, Kevin Nash, The Iron Sheik, Sid Vicious, Paul Bearer, Tito Santana, Bruno Sammartino, Tod Gordon, Charlie Haas, Tom Prichard, Jacques Rougeau, Tammy Sytch, Zach Gowen, Too Cold Scorpio, Ole Anderson, John Heidenreich, Jimmy Hart, Jimmy Valiant, Bad News Brown, Nick Bockwinkel, Dory Funk Jr, Diamond Dallas Page, Rob Conway, Sylvain Grenier, Buff Bagwell, Christian Cage, Jazz, Demolition Ax and Smash, Koko B. Ware, Ricky Morton, Dustin Rhodes, Damian Demento, Fred "Shockmaster" Ottman, Cpl. Kirchner, One Man Gang, Scott Steiner, Shawn Stasiak, Ted DiBiase, Ivory, Chris Masters, Elix Skipper, Kamala, Samoa Joe, Giant Bernard, Bill DeMott, Juvi "Juice" Guerrera, Nora "Molly Holly" Greenwald, Nick Dinsmore, Harley Race, Bull Buchanan, D-Lo Brown, Road Warrior Animal, Missing Link, Slick, Nidia, George Steele, Christy Hemme, Disco Inferno, Vito, Steve Blackman, AJ Styles, Chris Daniels, Dennis Stamp, Shawn Daivari, Kevin Sullivan, B.G. James, Ron Killings, Earl and Dave Hebner, Dan Severn, Spike Dudley, Rodney Mack, Larry Zybszko, Rick Steiner, Mae Young, and more.

If you're wondering what Club all your favorite stars are hanging out at, wonder no more.  They're at ClubWWI !


Hello, World! No Way Out is all over. Yet, all the wrestlers from the show are here tonight. Guess they found a way out after all. No worries though. Your resident announce team managed to find an escape as well. Both Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are ready to rock and roll with a show that aims to please. How so? Well, it's a little magic we get when we combine three key ingredients -

1. 60 Year Old Man.

2. Midget.

3. Steel Cage.

Combine. Mix. Bake. Enjoy.

But first, it's time to play the Game. Time to play the game.  Blah, blah.  Control. How you take it. Blah, blah.  The Game. How you play it. You know the deal.

Triple H is here and he's wearing his leather jacket. Unlike 2002, he's not wearing the ridiculous denim vest over it - which is good. In a pair of sunglasses similar to those that let you see behind you, Hunter takes time to pose for his adoring fans. After a prolonged entrance that would have seemed more impressive if more people were cheering, Helmsley takes a microphone, points to random audience members, and says his piece.

"I gotta tell you. I'm pretty happy tonight. Twelve months ago, I wasn't so happy. See last year at this time, I was sitting in a wheel chair getting ready to go to Detroit Ford Field to sit behind that stage and watch 80,000 WWE fans go absolutely crazy at WrestleMania. I had to sit back and watch the game from the sidelines. Well after last night. After the Elimination Chamber. After beating five other guys. I can tell you this. The Game is back! Back where I belong. Back in the me at the granddaddy of them all - at WrestleMania. And you can bet your ass when I get there, I am gonna become a twelve time WWE Champion. Because at WrestleMania, the king…"
- Triple H

Before getting his sacrilegious catchphrase out, The King of Queens finds himself interrupted by WWE Champion Randy Orton. Again, Jerry Lawler talks about the shame that Orton must feel after last night's intentional DQ to John Cena. Jerry feels that this loss cost Randy Orton - the man who spit at Harley Race, RKOed Stacy Kiebler, and hid in a cake for an entire 15 minute Raw segment - some respect.

Orton talks the microphone and absorbs some "You Suck" chants. Randy lets it dies down and then cues Trips in with some insight. You see, the Legend Killer has gone through a ton of people lately. There's been Shawn Michaels, John Cena, Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho and others. However, Randall's express train to the history books began with one person. It began with you, H. You're the man he beat for the WWE Title. You began it all.  In essence, you made all these beatings possible. God bless you, Hunt. Oh…wait. Actually, I mean, You bless you.

"Four, ye...Four years ago, when I became the World Heavyweight Champion, you were jealous of me then and you're jealous of me now because I am that much better."
- Randy Orton

He started to say "four years" then stumbled and said "four" again. It sounded like he was saying "44 years ago," which was kind of funny. Anyway, the gist of all this is that Orton is ready to rock The H Man at Mania. Sure, the Gameboy can talk trash, but that's just talk. As Mr. RKO was about to make another threat, he was stopped by some familiar music.

From Gameboys to Nintendo rip-off tee shirts. John Cena's horn section starts to play and the former WWE Champion comes to the ring. He takes center stage and speaks to his foes.

"Wait one cotton-pickin' second. Yeah I went there. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you WWE Champion Randy Orton. A very, very unique individual because he is the first WWE Champion to be both a liar and a loser. With all the corruption in spots nowadays. Baseball, basketball, football. It's only fitting that finally disgrace come s to the WWE Title. Randy Orton - a WWE Champion with a aster-ix."
- John Cena

Cena puts an "x" on asterisk. No clue why. Either way, this speech is insanely ridiculous. This is why disgrace came to WWE?  You see, I thought disgrace came to WWE when half the roster got suspended for a month because they took drugs and got caught. After all, if you're going to make an analogy between WWE disgrace and sports stars taking steroids, wouldn't comparing it to an intentional disqualification be a bit stretch? I mean, if you want to compare some sort of WWE disgrace to sport stars taking steroids, how about the time that EVERYBODY WAS TAKING STEROIDS!?

To me, it's like comparing apples to oranges as opposed to comparing apples to apples…or apples to Human Growth Hormone. Whatever works.

At this point, the audience, either picking up on how stupid this analogy is or just out of sheer disgust, starts to chant "Cena Sucks." So, to bring them back around, John calls for a WWE Title Rematch…tonight. Thrilled with the prospect of a PPV match live at the show, they switch to cheers. The Marine calls Orton "Captain No-Nuts" and asks for a shot at the Spin-n-Say Championship tonight.

Randy ain't happy with that idea. He asks Triple H if he's cool with this turn of events. After all, Cena is trying to steal your thunder, Wethead.  Hunter doesn't seem to care though. He says he'll face either guy at Mania. You two figure it out for yourselves. It's just a shame that the General Manager isn't out here to…

Yes! You are pretty. You are so pretty! Oooo! You're so pretty!

Uh….Mr. Regal. You're up.

Oh! Wow. How long were you standing there? You didn't see….

No, Mr. Regal. I didn't see you talking to your hair again.

Ah good. To the ring I go! Chim-chim-chara!

William Regal's suit doesn't seem to fit right, but that doesn't stop the GM from showing up and making some major moves. Here's the deal, kiddies. We're going to have Randy Orton vs. John Cena tonight. It's done. While it won't be for a title, it'll be for more. For starters, Triple H will be your special referee. One man. One Game. One ref. As for the stipulations, here's what will happen.

If Randy Orton wins, he faces Triple H alone at WrestleMania.

If John Cena wins, WrestleMania becomes a Triple Threat Match between Triple H, Cena, and Randy Orton.

If neither man wins, they are ground up and served as food to the homeless.

Okay, I made that last part up. Considering that WWE knows the winner already, why not throw that stipulation in there? It's all a work anyway. They know that they won't actually have to do it.  The winners already figured out.  It wouldn't hurt. Talk about a great way to sell a match.

"J.R., you have to know that both these guys are worried. Not only could they lose out on a title shot, but they could be fed to the people outside the building!"

"I saw some hungry faces as I drove in tonight, King. Will the homeless people of California get to munch on a fresh vat Cena-Orton Stew? We'll find out! Stick around!"

Commercial Break. Yo. Let's get some Funyons while we're here. I gots me some munchies.

Last night, Big Show biffed Rey Mysterio's bicep so Floyd Mayweather used his head like a giant bald bop bag.

1. Money in the Bank Qualifier: Jeff Hardy pinned Gene Snitsky after a Swanton Bomb

Jeff Hardy has new music. Normally, I'd be in favor of that, but his new music is pretty lame. It sounds like the Goo-Goo Dolls. (JG Note: No offense, Goo Goo Dolls fans.) In a misguided attempt to endear me to the band that sings the new theme, we shoot to them at ringside. It doesn't endear them to me. All it does is confuse me as to weather the one all the way on my left is a man or a woman. Creepy. Speaking of creepy, what's the deal with Snitsky? Does he rub chocolate chips on his face every morning? I mean, you figure the acne is part of the gimmick and everything. So does he actively work to get more zits? Between that and the yellow teeth, you have to hand it to this guy. Some wrestlers whine about cutting their hair. This guy is losing his teeth and ruining his skin…all for your enjoyment! Yeah. Kinda makes ya feel a bit ungrateful, huh? Me too. Thanks, Gene. Thanks. As for the match itself, it was what you'd expect. Snits has few big shots and gets them in. The problem with a match like this is that you know that Snitty won't win. But even if he did win, you wouldn't want that anyway. Who wants to see him in the Money in a Bank Match? Not me. So your choices are either predictable outcome or crappy letdown outcome. Some pick, eh? I think I'd choose "predictable." Good thing too because that's what we got. After blocking Gene-o's Pumphandle Slam, "The Legend Thriller" hit the Twist of Fate and Swanton Bomb for the pin. Yeah. Not sure what to tell you about "The Legend Thriller" name. That's J.R.'s nickname, not mine. It makes me think of when Mike Awesome was the "Fat Chick Thriller." Given the fact that Awesome meant it in the sense that he had sex with fat women, I'd say we better keep Jeff away from Ric Flair backstage.

Back at the announce table, we learn that WWE is conning people into texting whether Maria should pose for Playboy or not. Yes. She already took the photos. So it's too late.  Also, if you're reading this, that means you probably already texted anyway. So it's too late on many levels. Ah Father Time. Why doth thou mock me?

After taking another look at last night's punchout, we're reminded that Floyd Mayweather is here tonight. Let's all hope Triple H doesn't call him Shelton.

Commercial Break. I don't get the commercial about how cigarette companies know "The Magical Amount" of nicotine to add so that they don't kill you. Isn't that a good thing? If I'm ingesting a dangerous substance that could kill me when it exceeds a certain dosage, I'd kind of want the people who package it to know "the magical amount." Wouldn't you ? If they really wanted to scare people, they should say that the tobacco companies don't know "the magical amount."

Friggin' Mike Adamle is in the ring. He introduces Shawn Michaels, who has an announcement about this year's Hall of Fame. Jim Ross compliments Shawn and says that there isn't "enough I can say about this young man." (JG Note: Other people that J.R. considers young men - Killer Kowalski, Mae Young, and Wilford Brimley.)

The Heartbreak Kid arrives and begins to build up an introduction for the first Hall of Fame inductee. The crowd blows up his spot with a barrage of "Wooooo" chants. By the time they play the video package, you know it has to either be Ric Flair or the Wu-Tang Clan.

2008 WWE Hall of Fame Inductee: Ric Flair

Video package showcases Ric Flair's 36 year career with respect. It makes you miss the days when Ric was known for being a great Champion as opposed to known for being old. It's strange when you realize that his career is finally coming to a close. In Flair's case, though, it makes his WrestleMania match outcome pretty easy to predict. For that reason alone, I wouldn't be surprised to see him win his match at Mania and retire on his own terms. It would definitely throw a few people off.

After the video ends, HBK leads the crowd in a final group "wooo" and takes off to his theme music. Jerry Lawler says that Ric is the only active wrestler to ever be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Wait a minute. That's not true. Wasn't…oh no. I'm wrong. Pete Rose wasn't an active wrestler. My mistake. Actually, he wasn’t a wrestler at all. My bad. My bad.

Commercial Break. Pancakes, Rock. Pancakes.

Arrrrrr! Katie! Shiver my timbers!

2. Paul Burchill pinned Super Crazy after a Surfboard Head Stomp

Super Crazy doesn't even get music. That's Super Crappy. Before the bell, we go to an old school side-by-side box promo. The Burchills talk about their good genes and again don't do much to expose what their gimmick is just yet. Remember last week when I said that they should have changed Paul's name when he returned? Well, there were chants of "Paul's a Pirate" this week. I doubt that'll be the end of them either.  They really should have had him say something about that in his debut. At least have the announcers say something to explain it. At one point, Jim Ross says he can't remember another brother-sister….uh, tandem…on Monday Night Raw, at least. Of course, halfway through the sentence, it seems like he remembered Cherry and Domino on Smackdown. Then, Jerry Lawler blew up his spot by remembering Shane and Stephanie McMahon. At that point, Jim Ross dropped the subject. Right around then, Paul dropped Crazy on his face, grabbed his arms, stomped his head, and got the pinfall. Ding, ding, ding. The Burchills are victorious! Hooray!  Everybody grab your favorite blood relative and celebrate! If ya know what I mean…

Commercial Break. I wasn't sure if this was real or not…until the last four seconds.

Backstage, Triple H is on his cell phone. That doesn't stop that rude bastard Randy Orton. The Champion walks up and tries to talk Hunter into playing favorites tonight. After all, we don't want a repeat of WrestleMania 22, do we? Remember? John Cena made you tap out, Gamy. Helmsley grins and tells Randy that he can't play mind games with the Cerebral Assassin. It was Trips himself who taught you how to play them games, kiddo. Helmsley promises that if he plays favorites for anyone tonight, it'll be himself. To be honest, I found this whole segment pretty distracting due to how brightly red Hunter's face is. Either he's really sunburned or he's allergic to whatever detergent he's washing his pillowcase in.

Last night, Big Show pushed Floyd Mayweather. Mayweather responded by knocking his block off, so to speak.

WWE Trivia Time!

Q: What happened to the 109 pounds that Big Show lost?

A: WWE signed it to a contract and named it "Colin Delaney."

Big Show is beaten up and sad. Apparently someone told him to come to the ring and apologize for his actions at No Way Out. He concedes that he may have gone a little too far last night due to his excitement about returning to the company that gave him his "slave name" WWE. The Showster feels that Floyd Mayweather may have gotten out of hand himself, but that's neither here nor there. If Mr. Mayweather can find it in his heart to come to the ring, Mr. Show would like to face you. Man to man. One on one. Eye to belly.

It's time for Mayweather.

No way. It's only February. How warm are you expecting it to be outside?

I'm talking about the boxer, moron. FLOYD Mayweather. Tell him it's time to go to the ring.

Floyd Mayweather arrives with his posse by his side. In front of a far less receptive crowd than last night, Floyd finds himself met with light boos. Even after he asks Anaheim "what's up," they don't come around - the bunch'a grumps. So, Mayweather takes the fan route. Relate to the angry marks. Show them how you love the business too. That'll make them love you .... And you!  And you!  And you! You're gonna loooooovvvvvvvvvvvvve Floyd!

"First off, I wanna start off by saying I love publicity. I love it. And I've been a fan of the WWE for many years. I'm sorry things had to happen that way last night, but I'm the best fighter in the world. And when someone calls Floyd Mayweather out, I have to retaliate. "
- Floyd Mayweather

Bad news. They still boo him. In fact, they boo him more.

Hold up. Show wasn't trying to disrespect you, Tiny. He was just getting down on one knee to propose show the size difference between you two. No offense, man. Look. Here. Let's make nice. Biggie is sorry. Go on. Put out your hand. Let's shake on it. With that, Show extends his giant paw.

Then, they shake. No incident. No attack. Just two guys shaking hands. No big whoop.

Shocked at the fact that he didn't get hit with a chair or a cattle prod or something, Floyd bugs his eyes out and rolls from the ring. Although the confrontation seems to be over, Paul "The Great" Wight looks dejected at the turn of events. As the boxer leaves the area, the Giant can no longer contain his disgust.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on a minute, Floyd. Hold on a minute right there. I needed to come out here and do what I was supposed to do exactly, but now I have to get a little something to get off my chest. You must understand the only way you could hurt me was on my knees. And eve on my knees, I'm still bigger than you. Cause we both know that if I wanted to, I could take you out in two minutes. I let you leave the ring. Just like now when I let you walk out of my ring. Oh you're walking away. Are you' scared of me? You don't believe me. You have doubts, why don't you hind out the truth. Floyd Mayweather. Why don't you take me one on one? Think about it. The greatest fighter in the world versus the largest athlete in the world. You're 39-0. Why don't you try to make it 40-0. Think about it, Floyd. You want publicity? Come take on the Big Show. Think about it. What do you say?"
- Big Show

Mayweather stares in anger. His friends try to hold him back, but it's to no avail. He runs to the ring - complete with his massive entourage behind him - and takes off his hooded sweatshirt. That means it's go time. Yup.  Sweatshirt-less go time.

"I accept!"
- Floyd Mayweather

As soon as he accepts the challenge, Mayweather cocks back and feigns like he's about to punch. Startled, Big pulls back. The crowd lets out a "Ooooo" and Floyd, showing the gentleman that he is, doesn't even give Show "two for flinchin'."

Commercial Break. Tama's proudest moment.

At the announce table, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross talk about the proposed Big Show-Floyd Mayweather battle. They wonder what type of fight it could be. That statement scares the hell out of me. At least it's WWE though. If this was TNA, I'm pretty sure they'd end up in some sort of match that involved climbing a bunch of poles for no reason.

3. Money in the Bank Qualifier: Mr. Kennedy pinned Val Venis after the Mic Check

Three matches. Three squashes. Good thing they're selling us a solid main event. In the mean time, this show is straight out of WWF Primetime Wrestling. It's like watching 2008 versions of matches like Greg Valentine vs. Virgil, Hercules Hernandez vs. Jim Neidhart, and Scott Casey vs. Don "The Rock" Muraco. One note of interest, Kennedy appears to have new music now too. Like Jeff, it's not so good. The ever shrinking Double K gets the victory via a Mic Check. Then again, you knew that already. In fact, I typed that line as soon as they introduced Val Venis. Instead of calling these matches "Money in the Bank Qualifier Matches," we should call them "Forgone Conclusion Matches."

Commercial Break. I didn't ask him about this during his ClubWWI interview on purpose.

It's time for Vince McMahon vs. Hornswoggle. I almost forgot about this match.

After being introduced, Vinnie Mac stood in the ring, on the top rope, and peered from the cage. After seeing Hornswoggle and his mom, Fit Finlay, walk the aisle, he was able to relax. The chairman invited his grown son into the ring and the little guy obliged. Although Finlay protested, it made no difference. He was forced from the ring by the referee.

Once outside, Fit stood on the ring apron, he was suddenly attacked when the cage door was violently slammed into his back by…


Umaga's secret lover attacked The Irishman and handcuffed him to the ring. All Finlay could do as Vince McMahon removed his belt is plead. He screamed like a grieving mother as the chairman whipped Swoggle with his belt. Jim Ross wondered if there was a law against beating your son with a belt. That should give you some insight into the things that J.R. does for fun.  Personally, I wonder if there's any "little person" civil rights groups that are watching this show and take offense to a midget with a beard being treated like a five year old.  All the wondering in the world doesn't help the victim here.  Although the widdle Leprechaun cried like a baby, it did him no good. Daddy Mac whipped him soundly and took his leave.

Vince McMahon Things To Do In Life Checklist:

Whip a midget in High Definition Television. - Check

Following this insane beating, JBL decided to give Horny a beat down of his own.

Basically, Bradshaw beat the mini-McMahon like a WWF Wrestling Buddy. He tossed him, choked him, and even dropped a King Kong Bundy-esque WrestleMania 3 elbow drop. The entire time, Fit Finlay was screaming like the Lucky Charms Guy on crank. He begged Layfield to lay off, but he didn't. It all culminated with the big finale - The Last Call Fallaway slam. JBL scooped Vince's Little Bastard up and, with his back to the cage, chucked him over his shoulders and straight into the steel. It looked sick.

Seeing this, Finlay had an aneurysm while the Chairman simply stood at ringside with a slightly deranged look on his face. Mac slowly walked up to his fallen fake son and whispered, "I'm sorry." Fit, who's very perceptive of people telling false stories, shouted out, "YOU'RE A LIAR!"

Come now, Fitty.  I wouldn't say that. Maybe we just didn't let Vince finish. Maybe he was going to say, "I'm sorry…that I didn't bring a Phillips head screwdriver to stab you in the face with." See? Don't you feel bad that you called him names without knowing the full story?  You see?  You never know. You never ever know.

Commercial Break. Old school…brother. .

At the brodcast table, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are very sad. Neither man can remember such a horrible thing on Monday Night Raw. Katie Vick notwithstanding.

Next out of the gate is Santino Marella. With a clipboard in his hand, sunglasses on his face, and Maria by his side, Marella tells the audience that he knows what everyone wants. They want to see his Maria pose-a for-a Playboy Magazine! In fact, he's holding that contract in his hand right now. Yay! Santino is on board with everyone seeing his girlfriend's bits and pieces!  Bella!  Buona testa! Talk about a surprise, huh?  Oh. While on the subjects of surprises, we might as well give you another one, Maria. It seems that you have a match.  It's against Beth Phoenix…and it's right now.

"The Glamazon" Beth Phoenix arrives and she has the Women's Title with her. As she walks up the ramp, Santino realizes a stipulation in the Playboy contract. Apparently the photo shoot will only happen if Maria beats Beth tonight! Wow. If that isn't the most ridiculous nudie magazine contractual requirement, I don't know what is. Who's her lawyer?  Barry Zuckerkorn ?

4. Maria pinned Beth Phoenix

This whole thing looked like the end for the ditzy interviewer. Obviously outmatched by the reigning Women's Champion, Maria seemed to have no chance. She would need a miracle. Well, either that or Candice Michele. After all, if Candy were to return at this exact moment and walk to ringside, that would be enough to distract Beth so that she could be rolled up and pinned. How do I know that would work? Because that's what happened.

Although he was obviously upset with the outcome, Marella regained his composure and pretended to share in his girlfriend's excitement about being naked in a magazine. Thank God for Candice Michele. It's her mission to make sure we all get to see as many naked women as possible. Bless you, Candice. Bless you.

Commercial Break. Ron Simmons hates Zima. .

5. John Cena pinned Randy Orton to Qualify For the WWE Title Match at WrestleMania

This whole show was about this match. Everything up until now has been so-so, but that's pretty much the point. With a few major things to work on, WWE can dish out fillers and qualifiers all night as long as they hit the high notes where needed. This match wasn't too spectacular though, to be honest. There seemed to be very little energy at some points and it almost felt like they were going through the motions at times. Then again, considering that they just had to work a match against each other on TV last night, it's a bit rough to do the same thing the next night for the TV audience again. Once the dreary downtime ended, Cena came to life and so did the crowd. He began to unload on the WWE Champion and tried to hit the F-U. Orton grabbed the ropes and pulled himself to the apron, where he guillotined John on the top cable. The fight spilled outside and the brawl raged on. Trips counted, but both guys returned to the ring in time. Then, with John on the mat, Randy sized him up…for the RKO. As the former Champion stood, the current Champion went for it. He jumped in the air, grabbed his neck, and… was blocked. Cena pushed him into the ropes, took him down with a drop toe hold, and locked on the STFU. The Legend Killer looked ready to submit, but reached the ropes in time. Helmsley broke the hold and drew the ire of The Marine. Seeing his two foes arguing, Randall ran in for a cheap shot, but was caught in a sudden F-U and pinned.

The bell rang and the crowd shouted.  But before we could all start singing celebration music and eating cake, Triple H ran up and Pedigreed Cena. His face went splat.

Following that, it was Randy's turn. Orton reached his feet and he too got to have his face go splatter. Hunter hit his finisher and flattened The Legend Killer's nose like it was a Paul Orndorff LJN action figure.

The King of Kings, Master of Men, Lord of the Rings, and all that nonsense poses with the WWE Title as we fade to black.

All in all…It's WrestleMania time. This was exactly the show you'd expect a month out of Mania.

There were some big picture things we needed to deal with. Who was going to the WM Main Event? Who were the specialty matches? Who were the other other large scale opponents we need to match up?

Well, the main event was decided. It's John Cena vs. Randy Orton vs. Triple H. Say what you want, but it works. Any other one-on-one match with these guys involved would be stale. Hunter vs. Orton? Cena vs. Orton? Hunter vs. Cena?  Been there. Done that. Did it again. When you put all three in there, it gives it a fresher feel. Plus, triple threat matches, when done right, can lead to some pretty innovative spots and well thought out moves. Something tells me that some who are unhappy with this match today will be singing its praises when the final bell rings.

I'm still iffy on Mayweather vs. Big Show. At this point, it has appeal and feels like a major crossover. After all, this guy's a boxer. He's not a movie star or a football player. He fights for a living. It's easier to sell a wrestling appearance by a star from a contact sport than the guy who played Dewey in the Scream movies. I just hope the crowd doesn't turn on him before he has a chance to make a splash. WWE is taking a big gamble that the WrestleMania crowd will also be boxing fans. Hopefully it pays off.

No Umaga was surprising. So was the transition for Bradshaw. From Jericho to…Finlay? Weird feud jump. Even weirder was that after last night's Elimination Chamber massacre, I expected John to fight it out with Maga and face him at Mania. So much for that. While I'm not a huge fan of the angle, I have to admit that his beat down on Hornswogggle was the stuff that Tivo was made for.

Oh, by the way, for those of you wondering what the official word was on the cage match - there was none. I guess maybe Vince McMahon won, but who knows. It was more about watching Layfield finger-paint the canvas with squashed leprechaun.

Hardy vs. Snitsky. Kennedy vs. Venis. Yikes. Some Money in the Bank Qualifiers. It's amazing how one of the company's most exciting matches is responsible for bringing us some of the lamest qualifiers. Hell, even the King of the Ring qualifying matches were better than these. Who could forget that classic Doink -Mr. Perfect series?

Anyway, that's the show. It was a good 30 minute episode that was smooshed onto a piece of Silly Putty and stretched into a two hour broadcast. Hopefully, things will get better as we get closer to the big day.

That does it for me guys. tomorrow is the brand new explosive 61 minute  shoot interview with…AH! Not quite. Trust me on this one. If you thought Bruno Sammartino was a straight shooter last week, you're going to love this one. Tomorrow afternoon. Don't miss it.


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