From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com

JG's Retro Raw Insanity
JG's 2/20/06 Raw Insanity: Hunter Conquers All, The Rockers Reunite, and Mama Benjamin's Son Wins Gold
By James Guttman
Feb 20, 2008 - 2:20 PM

WWE 2006 Hall of Fame Dinner
April Fool's Day - Rosemont Theater:

 Bret Hart arrives. He's met at the door by Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Brutus Beefcake:  Hey Bret.  Glad to see you!  Imagine that - you at the WWE Hall of Fame!

Bret Hart:  Brutus Beefcake.  Well I'll be.  How have you been?



Brutus:  Good, good.  You want a haircut?  A little cuttin' and strutting?

Bret:  Ha ha.

Brutus:  A little off the top?  Perhaps a short trim?

Bret:  You always made me laugh.

Brutus:  (coldly) Look.  Dude.  I'm not playing.  This is my money we're talking about here.  Do you want to buy a f**kin' haircut or not?

Awkward pause.

Bret:  Uh, uh…no.  No I don't.  (changing the subject)  Do you want to just go sit down at our table?

Brutus:  Our table?  No, not mine.  I work for the Rosemont Theater.  I'm just supposed to seat you.

Bret:  Well, this just keeps getting more and more awkward.

Brutus:  Follow me.  Our specials tonight are almandine smoked salmon with baby potato croquettes.  They're smothered in grape jelly and served chilled next to a plate of avocado and chili.  We also have a fantastic pan seared pot roast with marshmallows and cocoa.  Also, we offer premium haircuts for a nominal fee.  If interested, you can see your greeter - that would be me - after the meal and arrangements can be made.

Bret:  I don't want a haircut!

Brutus:  Fine, jerk!  I'm gonna go and cut holes in my pants…alone!  Ha!  You're the one that's missing out, buddy.

Beefcake runs off

Bret:  Holy God.  What the hell was that?   

 Bret stops and stares at his table.  He shakes his head in amazement.



Bret:  Hello everyone.

Tim White:  Bret!  So good to see you, brother.  Take a seat.  We'll play some Cribbage.

Bret:  Tim, I'm getting the feeling that I'm not at the best table here.

Tim:  What makes you say that?

Bret:  Well, for starters, Chyna's here.

Tim:  Oh yeah.  Stephanie invites her to all these events.  She says it makes Hunter appreciate her more.

Chyna:  (spilling her drink as she speaks) Are you boys talking about me?  Ooooo!  You're bad boys!  Candy crumbles...who?  Yes!   In the car seats!  Ha ha!  Hey…you guys wanna go - uh oh!  Ha ha ha!  Woooooooo!  Heeeeeeeeeee!

Bret:  Uh, Chyna, you're make-up's smeared a little bit.

Chyna:  That's not make-up.  I fell asleep in some finger-paints.  Paint!  Paint!  Paint!  Ah!

Bret:   (shaking his head) Man.  Look at this table, Tim!  This isn't good.  I don't even know when I go on.  I can barely see the stage.  Can you see who's up there now?

Tim:  Super Porky.

Bret:  What?  They're inducting Super Porky into the Hall of Fame?

Tim:  Yeah, apparently he was the guy that recommended the midget who played you on Raw the night after Shawn beat you.

Super Porky: (on stage)  I screwed di Bret!  Ayayayayayyayyayaiiiiiii!



Back at the table

Juventud Guerrera:  Yeah!  Alright and hooray in you face, Porky!  Ahhhhhh!

Bret:  Wait a minute.  (Looking around)  Everyone at this table has been released.  Juventud, Kenzo Sazuki, Chyna…Brock Lesnar.  Hey wait a minute.  That's Brock Lesnar.  Brock!  Is that you?

Brock Lesnar:  Shhhhhhhh.  No.  I'm Special Delivery Jones.  I fought at the first WrestleMania.  I fought Al Bundy.

Bret:  You're not S.D. Jones.  You're Brock Lesnar.

Brock:  No.  I'm S.D. Jones.  Look at my Hawaiian shirt and these flowery shits I have on my head.

Bret:  Yeah, but you're white.

Brock:  (outraged) What?!  Well I never!  That was racist!  You are a racist, sir!

Bret:  I was just saying that…

Brock:  Hate monger!  Hate monger!  Sell you hatred somewhere else, hate monger!



Juvi:  Hey you Bret.  Maybe you can after hands.  Then you make have mouth fark on top of Super Porky!  Ha ha ha!

Bret:  What did you say?  Damn, Juvi.  Put some damn clothes on.  I don't want to see your lousy stinkin' butt.

Announcer:  Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for former WWE referee Earl Hebner.

Bret:  Earl?

On stage

Earl Hebner:  Thank you.  Thank you.  You know, originally I was afraid that TNA would have a problem with me working this show.  But Roderick Strong and Austin Aries said that management would be OK with it.

Bada-boom-ching.  Laughter

Earl:  Anyway.  It's a pleasure to be here with all of you…except for you, Johnny Law-ny-tus.  You suck.  I wanna come over there and throw my shoe at your head.

Laughter - Camera cuts to Johnny Ace.  He's smiling and waving.

Earl:  Why ya'll laughin'?  I meant it.  Anyway, I digress.  We're here to honor a great man.  He's one of the greatest superstars to ever lace up a pair of boots.  He's a former WWE Champion, Intercontinental Champion, and Tag Team Champion.  He's headlined WrestleManias and numerous pay-per-views.  That man is…

Bret stands up.  As he does, so does Vince McMahon.  Vince grabs the person sitting next to him.

Vince:  Get up there!  Get up there!

Earl:  Shawn Michaels!  

Michaels runs up, grabs the award, turns and does a small hop before running offstage.

Vince:  Ah ha ha ha!  It was me, Austin!  It was me all along! 

Bret:  Goddamnit.  Bruno said they'd do this.  This place is insane. I'm leaving.

Juvi:  Ah ha hah ha!  Hey, hey.  Bret... (singing) Ooops, they - did - it a-gain! 

Chyna:  (laughing) Oh Juvi.  You so crazy!

Everyone taks part in the laughter.  Then they all enjoy some cake. 




You know, I still can't picture Bret Hart really getting into the WWE Hall of Fame.  I'm totally expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out and be like, "Ohhhhhhhhhh!  Gotcha, dude!"  Then Bret laughs and goes, "Oh, you got me.  Who set this up?  Oh.  You got me."  I guess it's really happening, though.  None of that Aston Kutcher guy for us.  Know who else we'll have none of?  Chris Masters.  Out of the four remaining Road To WrestleMania Tournament last week, three remain…for some inexplicable reason.  Due to his loss to Rob Van Dam, the Masterpiece is not one of the three.  Mr. Monday Night is, though.  Alongside the Big Show and the "King of Cartoons" Triple H, who were both awarded for their losses, RVD has a shot at the WrestleMania title match.  Will Rob finally get his World Title shot?  Will he achieve his dreams?  How will he do it?  However, the most important question of all is…are you on crack?  Don't you watch this show?  Wet your heads, beeches.  Raw is War and the Game wants to play.  Roll the dice and burn your remote, the Road to Mania continues….

Last week, Edge says he was screwed by Mick Foley.  Matt Hardy, who was secretly dating Foley, was said to be devastated.

 Raw Theme Plays.

John Coachman.  Joey Styles.  Jerry Lawler.  They're here and they have something to say.  Gear up, kids.  We got ourselves some matches.  First up is Shelton-Benjamin vs. Ric Flair for the Intercontinental Title.  Then, it's Triple H vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Big Show.  Hunter Winner goes to WrestleMania.

1) Number One Contender Battle Royal: Candice Michelle defeated Maria, Mickie James, Ashley, and Victoria.

Trish Stratus rushed out for the start of this one so she could watch from the ramp.  Why?  Because she enjoys watching crap.  Honestly, this match was pretty horrible.  For starters, battle royals are notoriously bad.  There's too much going on and too many people hanging upside down from ropes by their calves.  When you factor in the awkward style that some of the divas use, you have the makings for a terrible opening match.  I mean, you had Maria on top of Candice Michelle and she's punching the mat.  I don't mean that she's throwing sort of bad punches on Candy.  I mean that she's literally punching the mat.  It looks like she's aiming for the canvas.  I don’t get it.  I know that you have to train to wrestle and I respect that to death, but come on.  You should know that if you're hitting the canvas instead of your opponent that your punches might look a bit off.  All that's moot anyway.  This one wasn't about match quality.  It was about outcome.  Highlights included tension amongst the Three Amigas when Candice eliminated Torrie Wilson and then stared down Victoria.  Also, Maria hit what seemed like a ten minute Bronco Buster on Michelle.   In the end it was the Playboy Cover girl eliminating Mickie James and getting the chance to challenge for the Women's Title.  Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  Go Daddy.

After the official word, Candice takes the microphone and tells the Women's Champion that she's too hot for Raw.  Why?  Not because of her Superbowl commercial.  Not because she was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Not even because she's on the cover of Playboy.  Nope.  She's too hot for Raw because she's going to beat you and become the new WWE Women's Champion.  Candy does her dance in time with her words.  As we all know, dancing needs music.  What song better than…

On this day…I see clearly…

Edge arrives with Lita and he shuffles right past Miss Trish.  He hits the ring and informs Candice that she has no right to talk about championships.  She shouldn't even be in his ring!  Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard.  Copleland called her "Toots" twice (JG Note:  Because it's apparently 1978) and sent her on her way.  Now follow this logic, if you will.

* Trish Stratus is a wildly popular female Champion.

* Candice is challenging her for the Women's Title.  She cuts a promo threatening the wildly popular women's champion, thus becoming the villain heading into a title match

* Edge, the company's new hot heel, comes out on the set.  He's looking to get boos.  Guess who he gets in the face of and insults.

* Candice.

I don't get it. 

With Michelle gone, Edge continues.  The issue at hand is Mick Foley, people.  Yes.  You see, last week the Edgmeister had John Cena beat.  Beat!  The only reason he's not the WWE Champion now is special guest referee Mankind.  We'll get back to Dude Love and his bad officiating in a moment.  There's another issue at hand.  For the last few weeks, Adam has dealt with all the fans coming up to him and doing their best Jim Duggan impressions.  They scream "hooo" at his girlfriend, Lita.  Can you believe that?  The former WWE Champion has that all taken care of, though.  Tonight he'll be taking on ol' Hacksaw right here on Raw.  Between the resurgence of Jim Duggan and Tatanka, it's starting to feel like 1993 again.  Who's next?  Marty Jannetty?  ***
2) Edge pinned Hacksaw Jim Duggan after a Spear

Jim Duggan is in better condition than so many guys his age.  I've said it before, but they're really using him correctly.  When TNA brought him in as a big "surprise" a while back, people groaned.  When WCW made him an evil Canadian, people griped.  This is the way to use Duggan.  You have him participate as a side player in a bigger feud.  You use his strengths on the microphone and ability to still hold his own in the ring.  Very old school match saw the audience get involved with "hoooo" chants throughout.  In fact, Duggan had the crowd going better than most guys on the card.  In the end, all the hoes in the world couldn't save the former King of the WWF.  Jigsaw Jim had his leg grabbed by Lita while attempting the Three Point Stance.  His attention was diverted and Edge ran in with a shoulder tackle.  It was supposed to be a Spear, so I called it that in the match result.  In all honesty, though.  It was a shoulder tackle.  Shhh.  Don't tell anyone, though.  That's our secret.

After the bell, Adam and Amy pounded away on the man who brought patriotism to Nikolai Vollkoff.  They use Hacksaw's own wood against him by ramming it into his groin.  Damn.  Nothing says pain like a 2X4 to the testicles, kids.  After destroying Duggan's Nuggins, Edge took the microphone and told Mick Foley that he has a plan to deal with their problem.  You cost Adam the chance to walk into WrestleMania as WWE Champion.  So now you and Copeland are gonna have a fight.  You're gonna have it at WrestleMania.  If you don't accept next week, then AC is going to come to Long Island and beat you in front of your kids.  Happy Birthday, Dewey.  Watch me beat your daddy with this stick.

Still to come:  Levesque - Szatkowski - Andre's Kid.

Big Show does a promo where the camera is positioned about six inches from his face.   He also looks off camera the whole time.  (JG Note:  It's hard to pay attention to what he's saying because I keep imagining who he could be staring at off-camera.  Todd Grisham?  A circus clown?  Tony Atlas?  Corey Haim?  The possibilities are endless. )  Essentially, he's happy about the prospect of going to WrestleMania.  However, he's almost happier about the chance to stop Triple H from doing so.   What's a giant to do?  Oh…to be Mango Big Show.

Commercial Break.  The Truth.com has a commercial where they wheel all these beds to a hospital.  They talk about how there's more sick people from cigarettes than the hospitals have room for.  Well, here's a concept.  Instead of buying hundreds of hospital beds and using them in a publicity stunt, how about buying hundreds of hospital beds…and donating them to hospitals?

John Cena does a vignette talking about how much he loves India.  Great.  Now everybody's gonna hate India.  Good going, John.

 Hey Chris.

Hey Kane.

Hey Chris.  Knock, knock.

Uh.  Who's there?

Devil.

Devil who?

Deviled eggs.  I like to eat them.

Uh Kane...that joke's not funny.

I'm going to kill you.

3) Kane pinned Chris Masters after a big boot.

This match was good for the most part.  Better than you might have expected.  In many ways, it was very good.  These two are right about at the same level on the totem pole.  Masters in on his way up and Kane is, well, sort of just where he always is.  The biggest drawback to it all is the finish.  Much like last night's Lashly-JBL match, the younger wrestler should have won.  Especially the finish itself.  Masters didn't go down to a chokelsam or a tombstone.  He fell to a big boot.  Hell, jobbers kick out of big boots.  Last week the old lady on my block with all the cats kicked out of Kane's big boot.  Come on, Chris.  Lex would be ashamed.

After the match came to a shocking close, Christopher decided to take his aggression out on the Big Red Machine.  When the Monster went for his arm raising pyro trick, Chris rushed in and slapped on his Masterlock.  After doing the damage, he tossed Kane from the ring and struck a pose.  Unfortunately, the fire still burns and Big Red rose to his feet.  He ran into the ring and sent the Masterpiece running for the hills.  If this match was the start of a feud, you'd think they would have stayed away from having one person score a clean pinfall on the other.  I'm just thinking out loud though.  The match is over and Chris hops on his Lex Express to ride off into the sunset and fight another day.

Still to come:  Shelton Benjamin faces off against the screaming old guy in feathers.

Commercial Break.  Triple H is selling a new work out supplement.  Whatever happened with his YJStinger Bees.  Do you think they still hang out?  Maybe he, the bees, and Nash get together and play Texas Hold-em.  I'd like to think so.  That would be nice.

Rob Van Dam delivers the look off-camera promo now.  It's the same set-up as Big Show's awkward speech.  I guess this means that Hunter's next.  Anyway, Van Dam proceeds to deliver one of the worst promos ever.  It reminded me of when you're in like sixth grade and the teacher goes around the room and makes each student read a paragraph aloud from the textbook.  It reminded me of when they got up to the kid that didn't want to read.  That's what Rob's promo was like.  It was painful.  One day someone of power in that company is going to wake up, slap themselves on the head, and go, "Oh shit!  I got it!  We just let him cut stoner promos!  He sounds ridiculous when he tries to be aggressive.  Whey didn't we think of that sooner?"  I mean, look. Let's make it simple here.  WWE likes to say they do entertainment, right.  Well, try this analogy.  You don't hire Jim Breuer to play James Bond.  Get the meaning?  You let the character plays the role that suits them.  Van Dam's character comes off like he's too cool for the room.  That's his thing.  Getting excited or hyped up is outside of his character.  It shouldn't be done.  When it is, you get the mess you got tonight.  This one had to be seen to be believed.
Coming Back...
Video Recap of Vince McMahon wreaking havoc on Shawn Michaels because HBK refuses to retire.  Why?  Well, for starters, his smile is still intact.  Secondly, he can't wear leather chaps and little mirrors anymore if he retires.

Backstage Mr. McMahon is watching one of those monitors.  (JG Note:  The same monitors that Trish could have watched and seen that Mickie James wasn't sexually assaulted by Jack last week.  Hey!  Wait a minute.  Whatever happened to that?!)  Suddenly, the mood changes to spirited.  How so?  The Squad!  It's the male cheerleaders and they've been summoned by Vinnie Mac.  The chairman says that Michaels disrespected them all last week.  Let's fix that, shall we?  How about four of you against the Boy Toy tonight in a handicap match?  How's that grab your pom-poms?  They all seem pleased as...well, OVW guys in green cheerleader costumes with this decision and clap along with introductions.  Your Squad members are…Kenny!  Johnny!  Mikey!  Nick!  The fifth one - Mitch - seems dejected about being left out of the match, but urges Right To Cheer on and says that they can do it!  Give me an L!  L!  Give me an AME!  AME!  What's it spell?  This gimmick!  Hooray!

 Retro-Commercial Break.

Hey Ric.  Lookin' forward to our match, man.

As am I Shelton.  We can wrestle each other.   Say, then maybe a little lata', ya can play with ya c*ck-en-balls for the Nature Boy.

4) Shelton Benjamin pinned Ric Flair after a T-Bone Suplex to capture the WWE Intercontinental Championship.

Mama was playing the heart condition gimmick, which ironically used to be Ric Flair's WCW gimmick.  She sat in her wheelchair at ringside and sucked down her oxygen as her obedient son tried to toss Ted Knight a beatin'.  Unfortunately for Shelly, Naitch was having none of it and took him to task.  The two exchanged the advantage a few times and just like Masters-Kane was better than you'd think, this one was kind of worse.  A lot of that can be blamed on the seemingly under whelmed crowd, but it genuinely felt like the real down point of the night.  There was no energy in the air at all.  Nothing seemed to be happening until Ric slapped Benji in his Figure Four.  SB got the ropes and his mom had herself a little heart attack.  Referee Billy from the Family Circus comics called for some paramedics.  With everyone distracted, Shelton grabbed her oxygen tank and blasted the Dirtiest Player in the Game with it.  Flair fell and Shelt nailed him with the Exploder.  Three seconds later and Shelly is your new Intercontinental Champion.  Even more amazing is that the gold has brought with it a miracle.  Mama Benji is now fully healed!  She dances back to her wheel chair and celebrates with her son, who for some strange reason, looks around the same age as her. 

A new Intercontinental champion has been crowned.  He brings his mom to the shows with him, but he's not Buff Bagwell.  That's a good thing.

Still to come:  The Hunter, The Giant, and Jim Breuer 007.

Commercial Break.  Stacy Kiebler is doing really well on Dancing with the Stars.  You gonna miss her?

5) Shawn Michaels defeated the Spirit Squad via Disqualification

You know what I really hate about the Spirit Squad?  It's the nonsensical reason for the characters.  There hasn't been any mainstream media stories about male cheerleaders lately, has there?  Am I missing something that created such a buzz about male cheerleaders that it created the need for 5 guys to play this role?  Is there any other reason for WWE to expect these guys to get heat other than that they're men who cheerlead?  Now while a gimmick like that could be understandable for one guy or even a tag team with a female manager, it's not understandable for five new guys at once.  This isn't Right to Censor.  That was based on the Parents Television Council, a watchdog group that had been giving the WWF a public tough time for it's risqué content.  This is based on male cheerleaders - the end.  It's too many young guys with the same second-string gimmick all at once.  Sure they had imaginative spots during the match, including the use of trampoline.  The problem is that it got little reaction and, even if it didn't,  it still wouldn't justify the sheer number of people being used in this gimmick.  Anything that they can do that's somewhat entertaining as a fivesome can be done as a team or a trio.  In this case, it feels like less would have been more.  They're putting five of their young eggs into one lame-ass basket.  Michaels wins by a shmoz in this one.   All the member of the Greenies rushed the ring and began to pound on the Boy Toy, just as he prepared to pin Mikey after some Chin Music.  The ref called for the bell, but the Los Spritiquas continued the assault.

They each grabbed one of Shawn's extremities and then tossed him in the air like a parachute during third grade gym class.  Michaels hit the mat, but was saved by….

Get ready for this…

***Marty Jannetty.   Yup.  Marty Jannetty.  I'm sorry, what?  Marty Jannetty.  The guy who was here last year for the Michaels-Angle buildup at Mania.  Now he's got a fresh new haircut, a new lease on life, and a desire to help the guy who sent him flying through Beefcake's Barbershop Window.  Vince McMahon watches the Rockers fight off the Legion of Spirit on a backstage monitor and doesn't offer anything more than a smirk.  Shawn and Marty are back together and you know what that means….purple t-shirts with fringe for everyone!  Yay!

Commercial Break.  Snickers are only satisfying if you eat it…or smash it up and snort it.  Yup - little known fact.

 Mr. Cool, we have very high standards for our substitute teachers here at FDR Elementary School.  Is there anything you can bring to the table as it relates to your ability to deal with children.

I spit in the face of children.

Alrighty then.  We'll be in touch.

6) Carlito Cool defeated Nick Berk with a Roll of the Dice.

This was a squash match wrapped around a Carlito promo.  It went something like this:

Carlito Intro

"Last year at WrestleMania, Carlito humiliated both Roddy Piper and Stone Cold Steve Austin just like I'm gonna humiliate this guy."

Carlito hits Nick Berk with microphone. 

"Ring the bell.  This year…"

Kick.

"I have an idea that's gonna make a much..."

Kick.

"…bigger impact…"

Kick.  Kick. 

* Carlito says something in Spanish.  I don't speak Spanish.  He sounded angry, though.

Picks up Nick.  Tosses him to the ring post.

"And exactly what is this idea?" 

Carl grabs Berk from behind, places his knees into his back and falls backwards.  Everyone says "Oooo." 

"You might just say…"

Reverse DDT.  1,2,3.

"You might just say, it's money in the bank!"

No one really reacts.  Apparently we'll be getting another Money in the Bank match.  The announcers try to play dumb.  John Coachman says, "I know what Money in the Bank meant at last year's WrestleMania."  He guesses that it must be a big deal by Carlito's tone.  It's always funny seeing the announcers forced to play half-brain-dead.  While it might not be the same concept as last year, the announcers should have a different reaction to Cool's announcement.  They know what Money in the Bank means.  Even if they don't, the mention of it shouldn't cause confusion.  Any fan at home can put together the concept of what Carly's implying.  He'll be in a match with the same promised World Title match on the line, just like the one Edge won.  If not, at least it'll be something similar to that.  The broadcasters tretending they don't get what he's talking about is just stupid.  Let me give you a ridiculous example of a similar thought process.

 Hey Bill.  You want some popcorn?  I can microwave it.

Popcorn?  What's this popcorn you're talking about?

You know.  Popcorn.  Like you had at the movies.

Well, I know what 'popcorn' meant when we were at the movies.  I'm just not sure what you mean by it now.  All I know is that from your tone, I can tell this 'popcorn' you speak of must be yummy.

That's what I mean.  Duh, fellas.  Popcorn is popcorn and Money in the Bank is Money in the Bank. 

Still to come: The Cerebral King of Sideburn Village faces off with Baby Huey and Visine Boy.

Commercial Break.  USA - Characters Welcome.  Sure.  Come on in.  Just jump in someone's trunk and drive over the border.   Come on!  The more characters the better, we say.

During the break, Matt Striker delivered a promo.  I feel like Matt Striker's entire career is taking place during commercials.

This year, Eddie Guerrero is being inducted into the 2006 Class of the WWE Hall of Fame.  They put together a really nice video for him and it's just another example of WWE's extreme mood shifts when dealing with emotionally touchy situations.  On one hand, they use Randy Orton to disrespect Eddie's memory in an effot to sell a match that his ability could have sold on its own.  Then they air something like honoring him at the Hall of Fame.  Regardless of anything else they do as it relates to Guerrero, at least they're doing this.  It's something good coming out of a situation that's seen so much bad.

Vince McMahon is here.  Where?  Right there.  Look.  On the ramp.  See?  He's got a mic.  Good thing, too.  The Mac Daddy has something to say.  It relates to Marty Jannetty.  MJ saved his former Rocker partner earlier tonight.  Well, guess what.  Mr. McMahon is going to come to that ring next week and present Mart with a WWE contract.  You heard that right.  Jannetty has fallen on some tough times these last few years.  He could really use that contract.  So he'll get it next week….oh wait.  There's more.  He's get it…right after her kisses Vince McMahon's ass.  That's right.  Martin will be joining the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club or else he'll be back on the street without a pot to piss in.  What's it gonna be, Jannetz?  Contract or no contract?  Pee pot or no pee pot?  Your call. 

Triple H with his sopping wet head takes his turn with the awkward look off-camera promo.  This week's Hunter promo revolves around the  word "WrestleMania."  He gives all the different definitions for it.  It means honor.  It means respect.  It means puppy dogs and horseshoes and all the cheese in China.  In the end, we're reminded once again that the King of Comedy will go back on his toilet at the epic event.  The Game hath spoken.  Amen.

Commercial Break.  "Your golf is on USA."  My golf?  I have golf?  No one told me that.

WrestleMania Moment:  Hulk Hogan slams Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3 (Hulk Hogan Note:  Andre the Giant - 19 feet tall and 1200 pounds.  Pontiac Silverdome - 47 million people.  Fuzzy Memory - Priceless.)

Next week:  Candice Michelle meets Trish Stratus.  Then Marty Jannetty kisses Vince McMahon's buttocks.  



7) Road to WrestleMania Tournament Finals: Triple H defeated Big Show and Rob Van Dam via pinfall on RVD
This one got off to a great start.  Hunter did his pose on the ring apron, but Show came up behind him.  Trips did the yell and turned right into Biggie's fist.  He was flipped over the top rope and the match began.  The crowd was solidly behind RVD, who sat out and watched BS and HHH grapple for the first few minutes.  When he finally got involved, Bigs took him to the woodshed.  The action eventually spilled outside the ring and Helmsley ended up on some guy's lap in the front row.  It was funny as hell.  The guy didn't look happy and it only got worse.  The Giant climbed over the barricade and tore into the King of Kings (K.O.K.)  However, with his attention diverted, the Showster was ripe for the Van Dam picking.  Rob attacked, but found himself overpowered.  Finally, Mr. Monday Night realized that the only way to take the Show down was to team with the Fuzzfaced K.O.K. Master.  The duo pounded away on Biggles, but ended up on the receiving end of a double-handed choke slam.  Things continue on and Robby V found himself in the ring along with the Game.  Hunt appeared to be down and out following a Five Star Frog Splash, but the Big Nasty Bastard broke the pin.  Eventually, Show ended up on his back with RVD perched on high.  He flew from the top rope and hit his frog splash.  The Whole Dam Show appeared to have the Big Dam Show down for the pin, but Hunter, that  K.O.K., held the ref back.  He then ran in, hit his Pedigree, and scored the pin.  The Gamy One is going to WrestleMania.  Yeah.  I'm as surprised as you are.

After the bell, John Cena comes out.  He stands nose to nose with his foe for Mania and holds his title up high.  The crowd was like, "Eh.  Nice belt."  I hope WWE can do something good to sell this match before April 2nd.  As of now, seeing it on screen, this one isn't exactly making me giddy with excitement.  DJ Jazzy John and the Fresh King stare one another down as we fade to black.



All in all…if you missed it, don't kick yourself.   The big moments will be replayed over and over as we head into Wrestlemania.  You'll see Candice's win.  You'll see clips of Edge's speech.  You'll witness Shelton's title win.  You'll catch Hunter's shocking advancement to Mania's main event.  You'll see all that.  You also won't have to sit through everything else.

First, right off the bat, I have to complain about the non-mention of Mickie James and her skit with Trish's boyfriend last week.  I mean, that was a pretty big situation from Raw's final hour last week.  Now they just drop it all together?  Weird.  It's things like that which make it hard to commit to anything on screen as a fan.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  Even if WWE catches up to all of it next week, it'll be a week too late.  What would be the point of giving it a week to cool?  Disappointing to say the least.

In fact, it's pretty confusing to see WWE start the show off with such a bad opener.  A battle royal is hard enough to sell, much less a Diva Battle Royal.  It was as if they bored the crowd right out of the gate and never got them back on track.

That Van Dam promo is going to bother me for a while.  It was the most ridiculous thing they could have done.  It's things like that which make people buy into all the "RVD is held back" conspiracy theories.  How else do you explain having a character cut a promo that's totally opposite of his basic nature?  It was beyond forced.  I've seen children in school plays with more emotion than that.  This isn't a shot at Rob.  It's a shot at whoever put him in a position to sound like that.  Mr. 420 shouldn’t be wide-eyed over WrestleMania.  Even if he is, he shouldn't be all, "Oooo.  WrestleMania means so much to me!"  That's not him.  If they let him be himself, he'll make money.  It's that simple.  There's money right there, WWE.  Take it. Take the money.  Go ahead.  I don't know what it is.  For some reason, they don't wanna.

Edge-Foley is doing nothing for me.  Sorry.  That could change in the coming weeks.  As of now - nothin' .

It'll be interesting to see how Marty Jannetty fits into all this pre-Mania stuff.  Will he turn heel on Shawn Michaels?  Will he kiss Mr. McMahon's butt?  Will he go out with Tatanka and Jim Duggan and sing "Summerslam Jam" at a karaoke bar before the show?  Only time will tell.  Dust off those spandex suits.  It's Midnight Rockin' time.

The rest of the show was what it was.  In fact, Raw wasn't bad, per se.  It was OK.  Nothing to get too excited over, but nothing that you can really get upset about.  It was what it was.  Next week's another rest stop on this Mania road.   Who knows what excitement will come?  Do you?  Of course not.  You're not psychic.

Or are you?

So that's it for me.  Come back Tuesday evening to World Wrestling Insanity where we'll announce our special guest for JG's Radio Free Insanity.  Folks, this one's a doozy.  Trust me. You don’t want to miss it.  Thanks for reading.  Be well.

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