First Time Republished Since February 24, 2004

Back in the days of breakdancing and the cold war, record numbers of viewers tuned in to watch the TV drama Dallas. At one point Patrick Duffy, who played the role of Bobby Ewing, decided to leave the program. A year later when he decided to return, the writers were stuck on a number of different scenarios to reintroduce the character. What was the final decision? Well one morning Victoria Principal woke up and found Duffy in the shower. It turned out that the whole death thing was just a big dream. Needless to say, the fans weren't too pleased. It seemed so simplistic. Could the character go on to bigger things? Sure. Did the writers miss a big opportunity to capitalize on this huge comeback? Definitely. Well, last night Good Ol' J.R. (JG Note: Jim Ross – not Larry Hagman) woke up and found Stone Cold Steven Austin lathering up in the showers. Can you pass me the Herbal Essence? What? Can you pass me the Herbal Essence?

But that's neither here nor there. Last night's pay-per-view delivered on everything that was promised. It was a step-up from the norm lately and offered a look at the roster on the Road to WrestleMania. Tonight is the first rest stop on that road. What questions will be answered along the way? Who's next on the Hunter Hearst Helmsely agenda? Is Goldust ready to make his "shocking" return? Will Rob Van Dam and Kane finally self-destruct? Are you all ready for two hours of continuous "What"s? Well, take a seat and buckle up. The road begins tonight. Don't pick up any hitchhikers (JG Note: D-Lo Brown). It's Canada. It's Live. It's Raw!

Raw Theme Plays – My ears are usually bleeding by the time he gets up to the part about refusing to see the change in him.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us to Toronto. I thank God that the Coach isn’t there. It takes Johnny Coach to make us all miss Barbecue Head.

I'm ba-ack…and wear women's sunglasses.

Eric Bischoff makes his way to the ring and he's limping. He's really beat up. How does Eric tell when he has a fat lip? Does it get Super-Puffy? Seems that the WWE answer to Ralphie from The Sopranos is here and he's got some problems. It seems that Old Austin beat Uncle Eric's bloated butt last night but just like Elton John – Eric's still standing. In fact, just to show the size of his influence – Eric has banned Steve from the building (JG Note: He promoted his return for a month and then banned him from the building? Some boss.) Eric announces that tonight we will see a company wide Battle Royal to determine the challenger for The Game. Triple H at WrestleMania. Interesting. Bisch assures us that Steve will on Long Island next Monday but tonight he's got a bigger star. In fact he's got the biggest star in the business. I hope it's Viscera.

Pie, Strudel, Anus, Rectum, Eyebrow, Bull, Smel-la-la…

Out comes the Rock. I have to say that since they've allowed Rocky to parody himself and play into his natural heel quality, I've been into his stuff. Great reactions from the crowd with Rocky beginning things with "Finally the Rock has come back to Toron…To run his mouth all over your candy asses!" Chants ranged from "A-Hole" to "You sold out." Good back and forth with the crowd which is what brought Rocky to the dance from the start. Whatever you think of Rocky, you can't deny that he can capture a crowd. He runs down Hogan and announces that due to helping out Vince McMahon last night, he was offered the chance to go anywhere he wanted. So…he picked Raw. I would have picked Six Flags. You see, right here in Toronto was where the whole anti-Maivia mentality kicked in. He goes from Hogan to Austin and calls Steve "nothing." Apparently Stone Cold will be at Raw next week – but not tonight. They booed the Rock and he hit them back by calling them fatties and making comments about the Maple Leaves. The promo ended with Rocky tossing his name into the Battle Royal. Really great way to start the show. Plus, a the 20 Man Battle Royal sounds intriguing. Also, we already have a reason to watch next week. Is this Raw? They've done more in the last fifteen minutes than they've done in four months.

Commercial Break. Cue up for "Poolhall Junkies." Hide your wallet from "Homeless Junkies."

Still to come – Batista and Orton versus Steiner and Booker.

Well, WWE Women's Champ Victoria and her girlfriend, Steve Richards, take a seat at the announce booth. Vicki is here make Lita's Heat Commentary seem good. Richards says that he has the best seat in the house. Jerry Lawler tells him that his lap was the best seat in the house. Yes – Jerry Lawler just hit on Steven Richards. This man is out of control.

(1) Jazz defeated Jacqueline via submission My girlfriend pointed out that Jazz reminds her of Susan Hawk from Survivor fame. I have to agree. Brutal stuff by Jazz who rarely sees a bad outing. Although a botched spot elicits "You F-ed Up" chants from the impressive and oh so smart marks north of the border. Victoria does commentary like Molly Shannon as the radio host in that "Schweaty Balls" Saturday Night Live skit. Nothing to write home about, Jazz wins with the STF. Splendid.

Following the bell, Jazz once again announced that the "Bitch is Back." (JG Note: It's a big Elton John night). But suddenly the lights go out. I wonder if the ref will be knocked out when they go on.

Giggle giggle…Canadian Fitness.

Trish comes out and she's dressed like you would expect Trish to dress on her day off. She goes right after Jazz Hawk and they roll around the ring. When Toria tries to interfere – she's kicked by Stratus. Ross points out that Trish put DJ Jazzy on the disabled list right here in Toronto. Good piece of info. They keep rolling as we roll the…

Commercial Break. Greyhound will take me anywhere I want to go for $99? Yeah, but I have to ride a Greyhound to get there. Who wants to do that?

Ross and Lawler hype Jerry's match with Chief Morley.

Test vignette shilling Girls Gone Wild. He's on location with someone I've never heard of that hosts these things. After this little clip of Test groping half-naked women – good luck to all you guys who try to get your wives and girlfriends to watch wrestling.

Test and Maven are watching the tape of Girls Gone Wild. Apparently Miss Kiebs was upset that Stephanie McMahon's her boyfriend was involved. But there's nothing she can do. Stacey set the whole thing up. Teste finds this funny but he looks up to see Stacey. Andrew tries to backpedal and claims that he didn't "touch any boobs." (JG Note: WOW – it was Wednesday). Well, on the scene is vice-principal Scott Guber er… Chief Morley who books Kiebler and Test versus Christian and Chris Jericho, Test inquires "What's that all aboot?" Kiebler is nervous and Test assures her that he won't let anything happen to her – which is wrestling talk for "You're about to get housed."

Raw Review of The New World Degeneration Horsemen take things to the Extreme! . Schoolyard bully Randy Orton and his manservant Batista approaching a sullen son of a son of a plumber Dustin with the exclamation "Hey – Loser!" Then they electrocute him. When reached for comment, Dustin's father Dusty said "It's better than a midget –ah – beating off –ah – in a trash can."

Jim Ross is back in the interview set that they used to use on the USA show with Ted DiBiase and Todd Pettingle. He's joined by Goldust who is recuperating from the attack at the hands of Triple H's Merry Men . As he explains his situation, he twitches and lets out noises, confirming all of our fears that Dustin's gimmick will morph into that of having tourette's syndrome. How nice. It must be part of a new plan to get a lot of a hate mail in Stamford.

Commercial Break. Tommy Lee Jones and Benecio Del Toro star in "The Hunted." They were going to call it "The Hunter" but they didn't want any necrophilia in it.

(2) Kane pinned Lance Storm after a chokeslam Stop – Stormytime. Say Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Good back and forth match with most fixed on RVD at ringside. Despite last night's squabble, Team Burn Out seems to have their ish together. Finales saw Storm run at Kane and find himself on the receiving end of a chokeslam. Kane Bearer takes the victory. I am Jack's complete apathy for Regal and Storm.

Randy Orton and Batista are sitting backstage. Bob's kid is explaining how tossing Dustin into the circuit box actually knocked his shoulder to 99% mobility. When suddenly there's a knock at the door. "Who's got a hug for grandpa?" Ric Flair comes into the ring to talk to his young friends. He gives them a pep talk and on the way out he slipped each of them $10 and a Worther's Original. Don't tell your father. That's a good boy. Watch the commercials for Grandpa…

Commercial Break. Burger King is cooking over an open fire. Well, I can do that. What's the big accomplishment there? I accidentally end up doing that a lot.

(3) Scott Steiner and Booker T defeated Randy Orton and Batista when Booker pinned Orton. Ort and Tist used Ric's music for their intro. They two are the exact guys who should be paired up with Flair right now. I think that by combining two young but different talents and putting them with a recognized name is the way to go. Good stuff. Randy was in great condition too. Booker worked most of the match since he's good at playing the babyface in need of a tag roll and Scott is good at playing the "not wrestling cause he's terrible" role. Hot tag eventually brought Stiffzilla in and he cleaned house before hammering Slick Ric. He pulled the Nature Boy in the ring and locked in the Steiner ReCamel Clutch before being hit by Deacon Batista. With Tista and Scotty going at it on the outside, Randy went for a frogsplash crossbody, which Booker rolled through for the pin. But Randy doesn't mind, he's going to go find Shannon Moore and Brian Kendrick so they can all sing "Mmmbop" Pretty good match.

Rewatch the Rock. Cause you have no short-term memory.

Still to come – the #1 Contender Battle Royal and Team Chris(tian) Jericho versus the Legs and Nuts.

Commercial Break. CSI Season Two is coming to TNN. Now they have twice as many tapes to shove at me.

Break the Walls Down….or else.

(4) Test and Stacey Kiebler defeated Chris Jericho and Christian via disqualification in a no-disqualification match. The Canadian Testicle started things off with Chritstian. But quickly Jericho came around and pulled Stacey off the apron – into one of those nasty Harley Race face on the apron bumps. When Teste chased Y2J3 He was jumped by Edge's little brother. Fozzy grabbed a chair and swung at Test forcing the disqualification… in a no-disqualification match. What made matters worse was that the announcers seem to know as much as I do. Jerry Lawler questioned the call and Jim Ross tried to cover it up. I think that the ref called for the bell too soon. I think they were supposed to ring it…

After the match, The UnAmerican and the King of All Loopholes handcuff Andrew to the middle rope. With Test down and out, Jericho locks Miss Hancock in the Walls of Jericho. Test is screaming like a little girl and Stacey is doing a better selling job than most of the roster. When suddenly….

Here comes Jeff Hardy. He gets beat up. He's gone.

Back to the beating. Kiebs is begging and pleading when suddenly….

Shawn Michaels runs out and tunes up the band. It's Sweet Chin Music dedicated to good ol Christian Cage. Fozzy slips out of the ring and jaws with the Rocker. Looks like HBK and Hardy – the Ambiguously Happy Duo are coming for the Canadian Chrises. Hey Jericho! Shawn's got two words for ya! Praise God!

Commercial Break. Tell Big Tobacco that you’re not for sale. Steal Cigarettes.

Recap of Jericho teaching Stacey a lesson for not doing the dishes. (JG Note: This is a joke. No letters please.)

the Hardy Boy who colors on himself , Jeff Hardy is still in the ring because he forgot how to get back to the locker room when he's met by…

Cue the kid that lost Tough Enough. No – not the guy in TNA – the one who lost to Maven.

(5) Jeff Hardy pinned Christopher Nowinski after a Swanton Bomb Christopher defeated Jeff Hardy via disqualification when the ref reversed his decision Very quick. It was like all of Jeff Hardy's matches except he got the pin. After the contest Jeff went crazy like the Pearl Jam video for Jeremy. Swinging away and choking the poor Harvard Grad, the ref took his win away. Oh Jeffrey, you blew it again I guess. You know, it's funny about doing the whole "babyface wrestler can't win a match and turns psycho heel" gimmick. If timed correctly, the turning wrestler will be a huge star. Too long of a buildup will just turn the wrestler into a guy who can't win. In other words – Can we just cut to the chase with this whole Jeff Hardy thing already? Don't you have enough clips for his montage detailing his eventual descent into madness?

Commercial Break. Castrol GTX – Less Filling, Tastes Great.

The King and The Black Hat want you to go online and read WWE.com. It's the rest of the internet that they hate.

Rob Van Dam is preparing for his battle with Johnny from the Cobra Kai Dojo . Suddenly he's approached by Katie Vick's ex-boyfriend – you know, Paul Bearer's son – Undertaker's brother – Kane. The Big Red Dentist takes exception to the words of the Rock. Tonight Kane-o is dumping Rocco out of the ring. RVD is down with that but Kaney's got to come to grips with the fact that Mr. Mid Card Monday Night will be jetted into that sah-weet WrestleMania title shot. Well, Pete Rose's nemesis – X-Pac's ex-buddy – Torrie's ex-boyfriend – Jerry Lawler's ex-dentist –UniBomb tells Robby V that he'll catch him in the ring. Rob finds that to be "cool."

The Great One is in the leather couch room talking on the people's phone. Seems that Rocky Johnson's kid invites old Stone Cold to bring his ass to the Nassau Coliseum. He tells the person on the phone that it's as simple as that. He then says "You know that baby. Yeah – get that pie ready… the lovin's got to wait until the business is done." (JG Note: Then he says "Ok Linda – I gotta go.") As Maivia laments about the name "Stone Cold" he spies a Steve Austin Alliance Leader Guitar sitting at his feet. The People's Eyebrowman picks it up and proceeds to sing about how Canadians have no class and can kiss the "People's Ass." Pretty funny stuff. But suddenly he's confronted by….a guy in a big mask Michael Jackson's son Hurricane Helms. Cane questions "what up" with Rocky's 'tude. Well, the Brahma Bull mocks Suga Shane and inquires if he is the Hamburgler. Good stuff with Rocky reminding Helms that he ain't nothing. As the Rocky One runs down a list of heroes that can beat the Hurricane, Helms retorts that he can beat the Scorpion King and points out that Brandon Frasier defeated Rock's alter ego. As The People's Rocky Great One Bull grows irate, Hurri asks if he can fly. Because tonight Rocky is flying over the top rope. He's so witty.

Jerry Lawler is heading to the ring to fight Eric Bischoff's personal Porn Star. Get set…

Commercial Break. I would love to meet the ad exec that came up with the idea for Greased Lightening Fuel System Treatment. For those of you who haven't seen it – it's a commercial where two people are waiting for a call that appears to be for an organ transplant. They are overjoyed when they get the call. It turns out it's their special Fuel Treatment for the car. That's nice. If you believe in bad karma – the person who thought of that commercial will live a life of misery and tragedy.

Recap of Jim Ross getting a cinderblock broken over his head last week. Now he's fine. Goldust is all sorts of messed up and JR is ok? Gotcha.

(6) Jerry Lawler pinned Chief Morley after a fistdrop Chief Val looked to be in great condition and was much bigger than I had remembered. He also has new trunks which has to be a happy day in the Morley house. It was getting ridiculous. He wore the old outfit forever. He was getting like…well, Jerry Lawler. The match began with the Ross Reporter promising that this contest would be "no-disqualification." (JG Note: I fell for that one once tonight). Match moves to the outside with the Big Chiefbowski using the ring post to his advantage. Surprisingly, these two began to deliver a fairly good performance with Sean Venis hitting the King with a rolling suplex. Things progressed with Chief Venis hitting the "Money Shot" on Lawler (JG Note: I guess this has a new name now. I can't imagine that he'd still want his finishing move to be called the "Money Shot"). But ever the opportunist, Libertarian Porn Chief Val sneaks out of the ring and returns with a chair. Earl Hebner thwarts his chances by kicking the chair from the ring. As Venis argues…we get the Dudley Boys! 3D by Bubba and Devon leaves Chief Val-man to be easy prey for the King of Memphis. This must be one of those times when it's good to be King.

Commercial Break. EverQuest Online Adventures When someone asked if I am ready to "Slay the Dragon", my mind goes in a number of directions and none of them are video games.

Stone Cold returns next week. Sit up. Beg. Good fans. Beg. Speak. Roll over. Play dead. Ok stop playing dead. Uh oh.

Ric Flair and his grandkids are discussing tonight's Battle Royal. According to Slick Ric, Hunter has a plan for Randy and Tista. He wants them to eliminate Rob Van Dam and Scott Steiner and everyone else. (JG Note: Good plan. Solid stuff). Ace Cowboy Randy Orton says that after tonight's tiff, he wants Booker T, WCW's answer to…

The Rock is walking. Yup. That's about it.

Battle Royal Intros…

3 Seconds until Moongoose – who proceeds to break down the walls with a goatee so big that if it was 1993, Irwin R. Shyster would say that he owes taxes on it.

You got 3 Minutes till we're jobbed right out…

One of a kind!

This is gonna take forever. Oh wait, Jim Ross tells me that the Rock is up next. He send me to…

Commercial Break. David Addison stars in "Tears of the Sun." I wanna tell you my secret…I see bad movies.

Still doing intros:

My name is Maven…like I'm "Mavin' my face." I'm with Wu-Tang.

Test – Test – Big Old Teeth Test.

This isn't "Sing Along with the Rock"…

(8) Booker T won a 20 Man Battle Royal Everyone went right after Rocky as soon as the bell sounded. However #1 out was Test via Y2J. But Andrew slid back in and chased the #2 man eliminated Jericho over the top rope. As the action raged on, the Rock tossed Jamal over the top rope but held on until RVD hit him with a flying kick making Jamal #3. Rossy then says that the last Raw Battle Royal was in 1995 and won by Owen Hart. (JG Note: You guys remember the one with Kimchee and Kamala in 1993? Giant Gonzales won it. Ah…good stuff. I also remember when the WWF tried to do a "40 Man Battle Royal" but didn't have enough quality guys in the house to pull it off and they had about 20 jobbers in it. That was great. The Bezerker won it, I think.) The People's Champ took it to Tommy Dreamer and knocked him over the top as #4 followed by #5 Maven, who up until now I thought was the Rock. In other parts of the ring, Scott Steiner dumped out the #6 guy Steven Richards. Things started to drag as often happens with battle royals. There's just too much to take in at once and the performers don't really go out of their way since they're sharing the spotlight with so many other guys. In a slightly botched elimination Randy Orton and Batista dump #7 Rob Van Dam. After which Tista dumps #8 Al Snow while the Hurricane bounces #9 Rodney Mack. As Helms celebrated the Great One cut him off and the two went at it with Cane taking the advantage. However the People's Low Blow takes Helms down and allows Rocky to make him the #10 man out. As Rocky turns around Booker T jumps him. T knocks the Rock through the middle rope and the Brahma Eyebrow pulls him to the outside. The Scorpion King then throws his hands in the air, circles the ring and leaves. As he makes his way up the ramp and takes a spot at the announce table. He explains that he'll wait and re-enter when ready. While he's jawing away, Jeff Hardy becomes #11. Followed by #12 Randy Orton by Scott Steiner. Immediately Steiner is tossed over the rope as the #13 elimination by Batista. Just as quickly, Booker make Tista #14. The Rock is still biding his time despite the fact that the ring is becoming emptier and emptier. Left in the match: Storm, Kane, Rosey, Christian, Booker, Rocky. Kane dumps out Rosey to make him #15. Storm jumps Machinehead from behind but is tossed out as well to be #16. But Kane is fighting for himself and nails Book with a chokeslam. Rocky Maivia feels his return is due and makes his way to ring side. Dr. Kane takes the advantage but ends up with a Christian on his back. While he struggles, The People's Bull dumps Tian and Kane-o out and makes them #17 & #18. Left in the ring with Booker T, the Brahma Scorpion laughs until T makes his comeback. He pushes Pete Maivia's kid around the ring but again falls victim to a People's retaliation. But as they tussel, the Harlem Heater tosses the Rock over the rope and makes him the last man out - #19.

Following the bell, Rocky looked on in shock and sat on the ramp. At one point he offered "applause." Booker celebrated the fact that apparently…yes, he's facing Triple H at Mania. Wow. Choke on that as we …fade to black.

All in all… Good show. Again tonight was a perfect example of not offering too much and delivering more. There seems to be a strong story going into Seattle's WrestleMania and everything seems to be according to plan. Rocky continues to reinvent himself as a heel and I am slowly being won over. We all sit with baited breath for the big return of the Rattlesnake (JG Note: How many times will they sell me Steve Austin's return?) next week down the block from me at the Nassau Coliseum. Until then…Be Well!