So, ya'll hear about the Talent Wellness Program today?  You know - WWE's new drug policy?  

You know what struck me about it most?  The name.  "Talent Wellness Program."  WWE is big on those great brand names.  It got me thinking of all the alternate uses for that name if…you know, they stop doing it in a few years.  I've taken the liberty of sprinkling some of these ideas throughout the report.  Feel free to use them, WWE.  Hate to see a perfectly good brand name not used to it's full potential.   So keep your eye out.  Now back to our regularly scheduled Raw Insanity…

Last week, Marty Jannetty returned and Vince McMahon decided that he loved his face.  He vowed to give Marty a contract if he would only do but one thing…put his loving lips upon his naked butt.  Oooooo…Rocker Boy.  I wish I could quit you.

Raw Theme Plays.

Who let all you people in here?  Your party hosts, Jerry Lawler, John Coachman and the little guy are all pleased as a pot of spiked punch to bring you tonight's show.  It's Marty Jannetty's chance to join the Kiss-My-Ass-Club.  Yup.  That's on the card.  Then, the Coach is going to interview John Cena about his upcoming match at WrestleMania.  Yup.  That's on the show too.  Then from there, it's Candice Michelle vs. Trish Stratus for the Women's Title!  Yup!  That's going to happen as well!  So, for those of you keeping score, Raw's big selling points coming in are: an interview, a women's match, and whether or not Marty Jannetty will kiss Vince McMahon's ass.  Splendid.  Why did I stay awake for this?

You stink, you blow me.  You drink baloney….ON THIS SLEIGH, ICY BEER LEAVES…

The R Rated Superstar, Edge, is in the house and he's got Lita by his side. Here's an Adam Copeland Fun Fact.  He has a problem with Mick Foley.  That's right.  Seems that A.C.'s been waiting all week for Mick to answer his WrestleMania 22 Challenge.  What's it gonna be, boy?  Adam can wait all night.  What's it gonna be, boy?  Yes or…no?  Edger speculates that Mankind might be whoring himself out at some Indy Show on April 2nd or perhaps he'll start writing another book that nobody's gonna read.  Surely, a match against Mr. Rated R is your best option for the day after April Fool's, Foley.  Wouldn't you say?

On that note, Lita reaches into her pocket at this point and pulls out a rabbit.  OK, she didn't pull out a rabbit.  She pulled out two plane tickets to Long Island so her and Edge can go to Foley's house and kill him.  Although a rabbit would have been cooler, the tickets seem to fit in with the point they're making.  Fans jeer and the former Champion says he'll go to Strong Island and beat down Daddy Cactus in front of the bambinas in order to prove his point.  What's the point?  The point is that Adam "Edge" Copeland should be headlining WrestleMania, but he's not!  He's not…because of Mick Foley!  Amy and her man prepare to leave the ring and home invade the Foley Family just as the familiar music hits.

Cue Mick Foley.

What?!  How old is that guy?!  I used to watch him on the Twilight Zone .  He wanted to be tall and he got his wish.  Man.  You remember that one?

That's Mickey Rooney, you idiot.  I said Foley. 

Mick Foley has arrived and he's here in Washington D.C. - Wink.  Thumb.  Hooray!  Hooray! - to explain something.  It was you, Adam, who lost to John Cena twice!  You want to blame someone?  Blame yourself.  Why?  Cause when the fit hit the shan you ch-ch-choked, pah-tner.

Shut up, MF!  Shut your big furry mouth!  Do you accept the challenge?  Copeland wants an answer! 

Mick won't give him one.  Why?  Well, Foley heard that Edgy called him a "transitional champion" and...well, that's true.  However, the Mickster was a transitional champion on three separate occasions, making him the "greatest transitional champion of all time!"  With that said, Foley, the great tranny that he is, turns down Adam's match request, claiming that he has "nothing left to prove."

Listen, jerky.  Edge don't need to talk to you.  Know why?  Cause you think you're so great, right?  You think people are going to remember you as a great champion?  You're overrated.  You know what you'll be remembered for?  Three things, hot shot.

1) Getting your ear ripped off.

2) Getting thrown off the Hell in a Cell.

3) Showing up in Vince McMahon's hospital room with a damn sock puppet.

(JG Note:  I thought heels were supposed to lie.)

But hold up, Mickey Rooney.  You think you got nothing to prove?  Sorry, Charlie.  You have plenty to prove!  How come?  Well, because you never won at WrestleMania.  Nah ah!  Sure, you've had them punky little countouts and "dumpster matches that nobody even remembers." (BG James Note:  Oh… you didn't know?  I'm gonna kill Edge.)  However, you've never had that classic, defining legend making performance that you crave.  Mr. Money Withdrawn has had his fair sure of classics.  Hell, he's never lost at WrestleMania.  That's right….never lost!  He's won everywhere.  That's cool though, Mick.  Turn the challenge down.  Bitch out, bitch boy.  The Edgecutioner knows he would beat you if this match were to happen anyway.  It's a no-brainer.

Mick agrees.  You would win, Adam.  Not only that, but you're right about Cactus's regrets about WrestleMania .  So how about you two hook it up in a different type of match at Mania?  How about…a Hardcore Match?  Just to help Copeland decide, Foley retrieves a barbed wire baseball bat and comes to the ring with it.  Seeing themselves mere moments away from becoming shredded wheat, Brad and Angelina head for the hills.  End scene.

The challenge has been laid out.  Will we see Mr. Bang Bang vs. Mr. Bang Bang at WrestleMania?  Hmmm.  We await Edge's response.  Wait...what?  Now we're waiting on Edge?  Weren't we just waiting on Foley?  See how they do that?  Stretched another week.  Man, they're slick.

Backstage, Big Show has a tag team title.   Hey!   Kane has one too!  They both must have just realized that.  Might as well go defend them, right?  It's the belts nobody cares about…and they're next!

Commercial Break.  Whopper Jr. brings "attitude" to the Burger King Value Menu.  I don't like it when my food has an "attitude."  Doesn't that imply that it's alive?  Yeah...uh, no thanks on the attitude burger.

Cena does not get a warm reception.  The boos are strong and loud.  Any cheers that survive are muffled below the hatred for John and his cheap sauce.  It's to the point where they can barely ignore it.  Coachman works through it, though.  He asks Cena about last week's Tournament win by Triple H.  He's got you at Mania, kid.  You don't think you can beat him do you?  Taking the title from you will be like Hunter taking candy from a ba…

John Cena grabs the microphone.

The audience boos.

Yes, you read that right.  Cena couldn't even get cheered for TAKING A MICROPHONE FROM COACH.  Just read that sentence over and over again and let it sink in.  It says a lot.  Don't let it sink in too long.  It's time for the King of Kings to save us from the dark and evil Dr. of Thuganomics.

Triple H is here.  Hi.  He's in his suit and his hair is freshly flat ironed.  Hunter starts by telling Coachman to bounce.  The Game thinks he "can handle this one."  He addresses Cena and it's supposed to seem like a big WrestleMania face-to-face moment.  You know, like the Rock and Hogan.  Unfortunately, it's supposed to seem like that, but it doesn't.

Trips pulls back his sunglasses and makes his hair do some crazy frazzled flip in the process.  He asks if JC was going to say he could actually beat the Cerebral Assassin.  Were you, Johnny?  Dr. Thug takes his turn with the microphone and tries to do his serious street talk voice.  He mentions that four years ago, Helmsley must have thought that a rookie John wouldn't have lasted three weeks.  Well, he did.  Not only that, but now he's headlining WrestleMania…against you!  Now let the Spinny belt man be honest.  He's not as great as you, Hunt.  However, going into WrestleMania, John Cena's got the belt and you don't.

The audience boos.

Yes.  The Babyface for Mania is getting booed like a baby killer.  Hurrah Hurrah.  Come King of Kings.  Save us from the Thuggy Doctor.  Listen to this one:

"Excuse me if I'm not afraid of the guy who's one big move is pumping up his Reeboks."
- Triple H, 10:03pm

The audience laughs.

Amazing.  This is the craziest thing ever.  This ranks up there with the Rock's speech at the Raw X Show.   I'm ready to wet my head and buy a sledgehammer.  Ugh, John, you got some dirt on your face.  You might want to duck and avoid the shovel.

From there, Triple H rehashes the earlier mentions of "transitional champions."  What is that?  Well that's someone who holds a title while the true champion bides his time before taking it back.  Yes, John.  That's a transitional champion.  That's you.  Hunter's the true champ.  You, like Foley, are a Tranny.  

Now don't get the H Man wrong.  He thinks you're a tough little tranny.  You always get your ass kicked, but you never quit.  You're like Rocky Balboa.  

"You have all this passion and pride and heart and desire and dedication.  You happen to not be a very good wrestler.  But in the movies, Rocky Balboa always finds a way to win.  But you know what?  This isn't the movies, John.  This is real life.  And in real life, you can't beat the bad guy."
- Triple H, 10:06pm

Cena thanks the Game for this verbal tongue-lashing.  He says it's because he won $50 in the "I know what Triple H is gonna say when he comes down here pool."  Oooo snap.  People still boo, but it’s a less harsh boo.  Johnny asks Helmsley what makes him different from anyone else who's ever said those things to the WWE Champ.  

Hunter refuses to answer that question.  He doesn't need to.  You know what makes him different.  The fact is that scares the crap out of you.  This sends the Dr. of Thuganomotry over the edge.

"Facts?!  You want facts?  Fact!  You're right.  I am not the company's greatest athlete.  Fact!  You are a ten time World Champion.  Fact!  You have beaten most every top superstar in this business.  Hell, you're one of the guys who can walk down that ramp without this championship, grab a microphone and tell everyone you're the best alive and they'll look at each other and say, 'You know what?  He's right.'  You think for one minute that makes me scared or afraid or you?  You got your facts twisted, homey.   You see because on that long line of superstars that you decimated on your way to the top, there's one name that's not on that list…John Cena."
- John Cena, 10:08pm

The audience boos.

(JG Note: If this face-to-face promo was a game of Monopoly , Hunter would own all the property and Cena would owe him 11 Million dollars.)  They stare each other down, but are interrupted before an incident can occur.  Mr. McMahon appears on the Titantron and announces that the John and Hunter will be teaming with each other at Saturday Night's Main Event. That's right!  They'll be a tag team.  The Cerebral Poopies will be facing off against…Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, and the World Champion, whoever that may be by March 13th.  Vinnie Mac wishes both men luck and leaves them to stare at one another.

Just wow.  This segment is going to be memorable for all the wrong reasons.  Triple H could have killed an old woman, skinned her, and wore her as a jacket to the ring and he still would have gotten 90% of the cheers.  

Commercial Break. EA Sports - It's in the Game.  Really?   Hunter sure does some weird shit with his video games.

4) Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Shelton Benjamin pinned Chavo Guerrero after interference from Randy Orton.

This one was met with a chorus of silence.  There were the Eddie chants at first, but they faded out after a few seconds, making it painfully clear that Chavo needs another gimmick quick.  There just wasn't too much intrigue attached to this one as the winner, much like almost every other match tonight, was easily predicted.  Sure, Chavito did his thing, but it seemed fairly obvious that the man who shined in last year's Banker match would be in it again.  Not just that, but with the IC title recently strapped to his waist, something tells me they're not ready to job Benji out to Kerwin White just yet.  It looked like he was about to, though.  Thankfully, Shelly's Momma was there to distract the ref.  He turned his attention and Randy Orton ran in with an RKO on Eddie's nephew.  Three seconds later and Shelton's in the Ladder match.  Hip, hip, hooray.

Still to come:  Mr. McMahon's ass.  You know you want it.

The newest inductee into the 2006 Hall of Fame:  Mean Gene.   He'll be inducted by Hulk Hogan.  Good decision on WWE's part.  I don't care about any backstage stories or WCW hotline shills, Gene Oakerlund was a solid part of my pro wrestling upbringing.  My favorite interviews were conducted by Gene.   The best moments involved him.   Tootie Fruity. Rock-n-Roll Hoochie-Koo.  The tag match against Fuji and Steele.  He was a huge part of the WWF in the 1980s.  It all wouldn't have been the same without him.  The only thing that always bothered me about Mean Gene?  Why the hell was his LJN figure shruggin his shoulders like that?

April 1st, the Hall of Fame airs on the USA Network.  It airs at 11pm on a Saturday…opposite of TNA.   Who will be the rating winners?  I hate to say it, but my money's on the old guys in suits making speeches.  

Vince McMahon is on the phone backstage when he's approached by Shawn Michaels.  Mr. Creepy Outfit tells his deranged boss to please leave Marty Jannetty out of all this.  Don’t make him kiss your booty, Mac Daddy.  Puh-lease!  Vince refuses.  He's had this feeling of power all day.  Imagine if George Bush made Jacques Chirac kiss his ass.  Oooo.  Vinnie imagines it would be great.  It won't be happening though.  So Mr. McButtfetish is going to have his fun tonight.  Don't try to stop it, Shawnathon or else you might end up in the exclusive "Club." 

Hey Mr. McMahon.

Hey Carlito.  You like that apple?

Yes, sir.  I've been eating them all day.

Yeah?  Well, I rubbed them all on my ass.  How you like them apples?  Ha ha.  Get it?  Hey, why are you throwing up?

5) Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Ric Flair pinned Carlito Cool while using the ropes for leverage

This was another predictable one and if you didn't catch it, then you weren't paying attention.  The mention that Cool had come up with the match and now ran the risk of losing a chance to be in it was a big red flag.  So was Flair's promo earlier about being 57.  Put them together and you have to figure that Carlito is losing his shot.  Although, that's not entirely true either.  Due to the way Ric won, you'd guess that there might be some sort of authoritative decision to put Sideshow Carly into the match after reviewing the tape.  What was so wrong with the loss?  Well Coolio grabbed an apple, took a bite and entered the ring.  Naitch kicked him in the mouth and made the cover.  The big deal?  Flair was holding the ropes, that's what!  That's not cool.  Unfortunately for WWE's resident Chia-Pet, cool doesn't equal fair.  Ding, ding, ding,  The Nature (57 Year Old Man )Wins.  Whooo!

Mr. McMahon is in the leather couch room.  He takes down his pants and feels his ass up in anticipation for Marty Jannetty's manly lips.  Mmmmm….come here, Muscley Arm.  Show me them tag team specialist moves.  Mmmmm…

Retro-Commercial Break.  Indubitably.