Wish them into the cornfield, Stephanie. Wish them away. While you do that, grab a seat with Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Tonight's Raw is an early stop on the road to WrestleMania and there's only one way to truly kick it off. Arm wrestling. Arm wrestling between John Cena and Mark Henry. Yup. You excited? Huh? Don't you lie to me. Also, for those of you who tuned in to see actual wrestling, there's nothing for you to fear. We have Hornswoggle The Leprechaun joining the Vince McMahon "Kiss My Ass Club." That oughta keep all the wrestling purists happ…
The first man to the ring is everyone's favorite angry young man, Randy Orton. The WWE Champion approaches the contract-signing table, which has been set up on the pretty red ring cloth. He eyes the contract and takes the microphone.
"What I have here, in my hand, is an official WWE Championship contract. Last week, John Cena accepted my challenge. He accepted my challenge to apply his Royal Rumble win in a championship match at No Way Out against me. The thing of it is that John Cena's word means nothing to me. That is why I want it in writing. I want it in writing so there's no way John Cena can back out in two weeks. So there's no way John Cena can claim he's not fully recovered. I want this contract signed so that for John Cena, there is no way out."
- Randy Orton
Get it? That's the name of the pay-per-view. If it was December, it would be "Armageddon" for him. He could also be "Unforgiven," shown "No Mercy," face "Judgment Day," or get a "Bash at the Beach."
Randall invites Cena to Bee-Bop his Mark Wahlbergy self up that aisle and to this ring.It's time to face your fears and sign this here paper. Now!
Mr. Cena, you're up.
You can't see me.
That's because you turned out the lights. I know you're in here.
The music hits and Randy settles back into a seat with his feet placed on the table. John Cena ain't sitting, though. He's dancing! Bouncing all the way to the ring, our former WWE Champion finally joins the party. He enters the ring and sits across from his arrogant foe. The Legend Killer is the first to speak. He informs the Thuggy Doctor that the contract is all set. All we need is John's Hancock on this thing. Sign it and it's on like Teflon at Dairy Barn.
The Marine takes a pen…and signs.
Dandy Randy is pleased as punch. Good deal, Pec Boy. You signed it. That means that even if you're reinjured by Mark Henry tonight in your arm wrestling silliness, the match stays on. That's right. You'll have a title match…injured and that's that.
Both men stand. It looks like things are about to get crazy. That's when The World's Strongest Man makes his presence known. Henry "runs" to the ring and distracts The C-Man. John turns his head and….
The Legend Killer stands tall. The Chain Ganger lays in pain. No one explains why Mark Henry is here. No matter. Watch a commercial, sheeple.
Mark Henry and Randy Orton are talking amongst themselves backstage. Of course, seeing a the humungous Henry and half-insane WWE Champion chatting makes Todd Grisham eager to interrupt. He runs up to The World's Strongest Killers and asks why they would set up John Cena. The villains scoff at this implication. They didn't set up anyone, dorkballs. They just did their thing. In fact, Sexual Chocolate has plans for Doctor of Thuganomics tonight. He's gonna rip him limb from limb. You want an arm? Mark'll save ya one.
1. Mickie James and Kelly Kelly defeated Beth Phoenix and Victoria when Mickie pinned Victoria
Victoria and Beth have very similar personas. It could either be a good thing or a bad thing to put them together. As long as it's not done on a regular basis it won't matter. For brief partnerships, no one gets affected either way. Aside from that, Vicki and Kelly must be on the Brand Split Amnesia Tour with Mark Henry tonight. I'm not complaining. The Roster thing has been pretty stale for a while. I just think they should make a bigger deal out of the times when people cross shows. You might as well hype it, right? Isn't that the idea of promoting? Hype the hell out of everything? Seems like a no-brainer. Jerry Lawler nearly wets himself over Kelly Kelly. Granted, she looked good, but Jerry seemed ready to rush the ring with roll of duct tape. While Kel finds herself on the receiving end of an arse kicking, J.R. gave a quote that made me laugh out loud for some reason.
"The lovely Kelly Kelly - her face bouncing off the canvas."
- Jim Ross
As for Mickie James, she wasn't crying during this match. She held her own for a brief while, but ended up getting pounded by the Glamazon. When Toria got the tag in, things changed. Vick tossed Kelly from the ring apron, but should have stayed focused on James. The Mickster hit a DDT and scored the pinfall. There. You win. Now quit your belly-achin', lady.
Backstage, there's a locker room with a green light shining in the background. Know why? Hornswoggle likes green. Know what William Regal likes? Kissing Vince McMahon's ass. He yells at Horny and tells him to appreciate his opportunity to do just that tonight.
Commercial Break. Guys like nuts? Is that the message?
Shawn Michaels is here but Triple H is not. J.R. says that Hunter has a "family emergency" which prevents him from attending. Luckily, nothing prevented Shawn's TJ Maxx woven women's cowboy hat from attending. With it firmly planted on his noggin, Michaels takes the microphone and informs everyone of how great he is at WrestleMania. In fact, he's come so close to taking that WWE Title as recently as last year. Now he needs to do it all the way. Second place isn't good enough for the Heartbreak Kid. He needs to win the big one once again. This will be his chance. After all, Shawnathon has done a ton of things around here. He's won all the WWE titles and done awesome at WrestleMania and...
"I don't know if I mentioned this lately, but I sing my own theme song."
But still the American Idol is unsatisfied. He needs to win this one. So everyone in the Chamber is on notice.
"Friend, foe, Umaga - whatever he calls himself." They all best mind their Ps and Qs because that Chamber is going to be…
One bad mama-jamma from Downtown Chinatown! Chris Jericho's hair is Something About Mary'd up tonight as the Highlight of the Night steps up the ramp. Y2J+8 agrees with you on a number of points, Boy Toy. Every "period, every sentence, every cogasal (?!)" You can tear it up at Mania. Remember that match you had with Chris at WrestleMania 19? That was awesome. However, The Highlight of the Night isn't feeling you on your prediction for the winner at No Way Out. No way. It ain't gonna be you, Rocker. Christopher has been in more Elimination Chambers than anyone ever in the history of everything everywhere - three. (JG Note: When he said three, it was pretty funny. It sounded like he was in 100 Elimination Chamber matches. Even though we knew, it was funny when he said it.) Also, Chris has been in the main event of WrestleMania 18's epic match between Triple H and Stephanie McMahon and the Dog. Jericho played a supporting character. Now he's going to beat all you fools at the pay-per-view and do the Mania thing agian!
Suddenly, Jeff Hardy's music rings out and the Rainbow Haired Warrior comes out to his "rock star reception." He take the microphone and speaks freely.
"Man I think it's great that you two want to get back to that main event of WrestleMania Great. As for me, personally I've never been in the main event of WrestleMania But I feel so close. I can taste it. So close. If it means taking my body at levels never before seen before, oh, I'm gonna do it. Even if it means taking five of Raw's top superstars down, I'm gonna do it."
- Jeff Hardy
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding - da-daa-dadada - da-da-da -
MOO! - da-daa….
John Bradshaw Layfield is in the house! Bradshaw is playing a New York baby face in Texas tonight. He tells the crowd that he had to leave their state in order to join a true winning state. (JG Note: All across Long Island right now, there's guys going,
"Yo. JBL ain't such'a bad guy, heh?") Layfield reminds the blowhards that they can talk all they want because Umaga doesn't speak English. However, JBL speaks
his language - the language of love. Okay, so he didn't say that last part. I just assumed that's what he meant. No matter the native tongue, Maga has promised John that he will help him win in the Chamber and go on to the Mania main event once again!
This leads to Umaga's entrance. The Samoan Bulldozer walks to the ring, but can't even get settled before Gene Snitsky and his yellow smile follow. Snitty steps into the ring and tries to say his piece. He's interrupted though, by chants of "Brush Your Teeth."
Gene tells the men in the ring that they're not worthy of this chance. An opportunity like this belongs to a man that punts babies and likes Heidenreich's poetry. This spot belongs to Snitsky! He deserves it!
Shawn Michaels does not agree. He tells the gigantic disgusting man that he don't deserve
sheeet! Well, actually, scratch that. He deserves one thing - a dental hygienist! HA! Slam! You gots yellow teeth, son! Hang your head in shame!
Oh…and to make sure that he got his point across, Shawn followed up by punching Gene in the face. He tore into him and a brawl broke out. Then - finally - William Regal showed up to regain control. You all wanna fight? Fine. Tonight it's going to be JBL, Umaga, and Snitsky taking on Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and Jeff Hardy…inside of a fifteen foot wide….wrestling ring!
Ha. Gotcha. Regular ol' Six Man action comin' atcha - tonight.
Commercial Break. Good news. Chris Kattan is still alive.
I am Jobber! I am Crazy! I am Super Jobber like Crazy…or something.
Tom Winston's 4th Grade Class - 1986
OK, kids. Who can tell me the name of our first president?
Oooo! Ooooo! Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….Winston!
Go ahead, Ken.
2. Ken Kennedy submitted Super Crazy with an inverted figure four.
Super Crazy has much more potential than that of a punching bag. I mean, he's not about to break any U.S. attendance records, but he's better than a jobber to the stars. It's all Jim Duggan. Everyone he teams with falls apart. The Highlanders, Eugene, Cryme Time, and now Crazy…what the hell? Maybe it's about time we stopped teaming him with anyone…ever again. Just let him hit people with the board. We like the board. His tag partners? Eh, not so much.
Following the official word, Mr. K took the microphone and introduced a little video clip. Worse news for Super Crazy - He wasn't even sweating.
Video Clip of MVP injuring Ric Flair's knee following his loss on Smackdown. Then again, that's what MVP does. Too bad Ric's friends from his rookie year aren't here to help him.
Double K lays the chips on the table. Your match is right around the corner, Naitch. You saw what Mister Mister did to Super Loco, no? Come on, Ric…
"I know you don’t want that to be you at No Way Out. So I'm gonna make it easy on you, man. I'm gonna give you an opportunity to come out here next week on Raw and forget the match. I know that's not your style,. You have a lot of pride, Ric. But Ric, let me tell you something,. If you want to go thorugh with it; If you want to lose nto only will I end your career but Ric, you can rest assured that you will limp for your natural born life. Whoo."
- Ken Kennedy
Not so fast on the pride thing, Kenny. I've seen this guy stand in the middle of a packed arena in boxer shorts
Kennedy tells Flair that the choice is his, but he must be prepared to face the music if he does. It could be the end for him…him.
Luckily we're on a slight tape delay as we head over to Mike Adamle. Adamle is most famous for hosting American Gladiators and looking like a squished version of Mark Harmon. Here, he introduces a video package for the Elimination Chamber. Personally, I'm pulling for Jeff Harvby.
Video Package of the Elimination Chamber. Six men enter…One man leaves. Well, actually they all leave at some point, right? Never mind. That was stupid. My bad.
3. Santino Marella and Carlito Cool defeated Paul London and Brian Kendrick when Carlito pinned Kendrick
I feel like WWE should cut off Brian's and Paul's heads and put them on a stick out front of Titan Tower as a warning to all X-Division guys to stay put. The fact of the matter is that no matter how insanely ridiculous TNA is booking them, at least they're getting booked. Your choice. Wear Randy Savage's old hat or lose to Carlito in under ten seconds. Which do you choose?
Oooooo yeah! DIG IT! As for this one, the match lasted like a minute and Santino stole most of the show despite barely being in the ring at all. He played the chicken-sheet heel to a tee while Carly backstabbed Spanky and pinned him to the mat.
Backstage, Vince McMahon is getting his ass buffed. Seriously. The man applying it looks like he's wearing Eugene's old jacket. Vinnie Mac tells the "professional ass buffer" to use "ass cream" as well. He then marvels over his ass being shown in HD. Wow. I can't believe a man in his 60s has a sense of humor like this. It blows me away sometimes.
Cue Bobby Lashley.
Nah. I'm kidding. He just got released. Cue Mr. McMahon's ass.
Vince McMahon is here and it's time for another one of those segments that I pray non-wrestling fans aren't watching. There's nothing worse than getting that phone call on Tuesday.
"Hey, man. Why was Vince McMahon shoving his ass in a midget's face last night?"
Ugh. I think a 60 year old man's ass isn't the best way to reach a young demographic. Then again, that's just me. I don't know what kids are into today - what with their Laguna Beach and old man ass.
Either way, McMahon wants to make this situation even more awkward. This ass-kissing scenario is different than the other times he's done it. This is a moment of discipline. He needs to teach his kid a lesson. That's why he's putting his ass in his son's face. Yeah. Because that's the best thing to discipline your kid - sexual assault.
That's when he delivers a promo that starts off strange and then, well, just stays there.
"Tonight, I set an example as a concerned parent. Something that each and everyone of you parents here in this arena should be concerned with because some of you are not concerned. Many of you, as a matter of fact, don’t' discipline your children at all…You don't give a damn about your kids! You don't. Admit it. Yo0u're too concerned with our selfish old being. You don’t care about the kids you produce…or you'd administer tough love. That's not what you do. What you do is simply tell your child once they have disobeyed you, oh let's talk about it. Let's reason. You can't reason with a child!. Your idea of discipline is telling your kids go take a time out, stand in the corner, and think about what you did. As parents, you people are pathetic. Let's not talk about the parents. Right now, let's talk about the children. Our wonderful beloved children, that you people don’t' care about. Right now, let's turn our cameras. I'm going to ask all the kids in the arena to turn and be recognized."
- Vince McMahon
The camera shoots to a bunch of kids in the audience, which makes me uncomfortable. For a company that doesn't book to children, there's some small ass kids there tonight. One of them is dressed up like Jeff Hardy. I'm not sure I would have shown all the kiddies if I were Mr. McAssfetish. After all, this is kind of a creepy skit to do in front of children, right? Hell, it's creepy to do in front of anyone.
Oh…and he also talks about how children aren't adults. He never mentions that midgets aren't children either. It's so weird. If only Little People had some sort of militant activist group, I guarantee you - some sh*t would go down.
As all the youngsters stand, he calls them all spoiled brats, blames their lazy folks, and summons his own bastard to the ring for some punishment. It's the best way to discipline children. Make them kiss your ass…literally. I swear. He tells the audience that. Yikes. I can just imagine the first nutcase to sit on his kid's face and blame WWE for it. I can just imagine Nancy Grace's spending a month on that one.
When Hornswoggle entered the ring, he looked sullen. Daddy Mac dropped to one knee and assured the Little Bastard that he loves him. This whole thing, Horny, is something you brought on yourself. This next creepiness is actually going to hurt VKM more than it's going to hurt you. It's also the creepiest form of punishment…ever. As Mac undoes his belt, he makes one final plea for global sexual molestation as a means of child reering.
"Remember parents. This is what you should do to
- Vince McMahon
This is nuts. He drops his pants and stands tall. With his trowsers around his ankles and cameras flashing everywhere, McMahon orders Hornswoggle to kiss his butt. Swoggle doesn't seem too thrilled.
"I said kiss it you little bastard!"
- Vince McMahon
All looks grim for the McMini and his lips. It's the express train to Ass-land, Tiny…
My name is Finlay and I hate to see midgets kiss old man ass!
Dressed in a snazzy black jacket, Fit Finlay shows up. Fit wants to put a stop to this insanity. Come on, McManiac. What's your problem? Why are you friggin' nuts? Chill out! This uninvited intrusion doesn't sit well with the boss. He reminds Finny that he's still under contract. Vinnie is your boss. He signs your checks. If you don't stay out of the way, you'll be kissing this tushie right after. That's right. You want a piece, baby? Jump in. I'll love ya.
This threat doesn't stop the Irishman from getting involved. He stops his little friend from smooching the McAss each time. This drives Vincent ballistic. He threatens to shove Fity's shillelagh where the sun don't shine if he doesn't stand down. That's when Finlay allows his little friend to finally make contact with his dad's behind….
…so he can bite it!
Hornswoggle grips on to the chairman's cheeks and takes a firm chomp. He hangs on as the embarrassed Mac Daddy screams in pain. That was it. That was the big ending. Finlay's music played and the crowd didn't seem too enthralled.
After the Fighting Irish took off, Vince filled us all in on a little secret. There's a match set for next week…Mr. McMahon versus Hornswoggle! Father versus son! How's that? You like that?
Crowd doesn't react.
Even worse, if Finlay gets involved, he'll get fired!
Bah. These Kiss My Ass skits always bite. At least this time, it literally did. Also, as soon as they announced that Hornswoggle would be kissing Vince's butt on Raw, I kept picturing McMahon dropping his pants, Hornswoggle walking up, and Jerry Lawler scream out, "I think he finally found his Lucky Charms, J.R.!" Lawler didn't. I can't tell if I'm proud of that or disappointed.
WrestleMania's theme song is sung by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I feel like most of their songs have the exact same tune. Lucky for them, I like that one tune, so it's all good.
4. WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes and Bob Holly defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch when Cody pinned Trevor.
Good to see Lance Cade back. He's got a new hairdo and is now wearing Rick Martel's AWA ring jacket. Trevor Murdoch looks better each week too. He's in better condition each time out and deserves to be commended for it. With his gimmick, it would be easy to not get in shape and claim it's because of his gimmick. He's not doing that. On the other side of the ring, Holly still has one of the most amazing dropkicks in the business. Few can get his height and precision each time. I can't remember ever seeing a bad Hardcore Holly dropkick. Cody Rhodes is on his way to good things by Bob's side too. Although the audience couldn't seem to care less about him for most of the match, he stilled pushed on. Codedust eventually hit a DDT and pinned Trevor "I Don't Love Mickie James Anymore" Murdoch.
After the bell, we heard the melodic tone of Carlito's Applespit song. The Afro Haired Warrior steps out with Santino Marella by his side. Why? Because there's a new pair of number one contenders in town. They are Carlito and Santino.
"What that means, in case you are as stupid as you look, you have as much chance holding those titles as Maria has of posing for Playboy. But maybe you can pose for 'Balding Tough Guy with a Little Friend Who Has a Name Like a Girl' Magazine."
- Santino Marealla.
In 13 days, No Way Out is coming 'atcha. Of course there is. There's a pay-per-view every 15 minutes.
5. Shawn Michaels, Chris Jericho, and Jeff Hardy defeated Umaga, Snitsky, and JBL when Hardy pinned Snitsky
At what point is WWE going to realize that they've killed any credibility Snitsky has a heel a long time ago? Guys like Mark Henry are closing in, but Snitty is the winner right now. You can only be the jobbing monster for so long until people catch on. Everyone knew that The Berzerker wasn't going to pin Bret Hart. People figure it out. When they do, you have to start over. Gene needs a crazy angle to get him over again. Just plugging him into the generic "Holy Cow. He's Big" spot won't work much longer. In fact, it doesn't work now. Couple that with some of his clunky movements and it makes for a main eventer that shouldn't be. At one point, Jericho dropkicked him as he sat straddled on the top rope and he actually fell in the same direction of the hit. Instead of tumbling outside the ring, he defied gravity and all the laws of physics by rocking back
into the ring. No matter. The match still had plenty more to offer. Everyone got a chance to showcase what they had. Some looked better than others, but they still all got to do their thing. When all the men ended up in the ring, things picked up. The good guys knocked the heels to the floor. With each one on a different side of the ring, they all grabbed the ropes and flung themselves over the top rope all at the same time, landing on the rule breakers below. The match overall match was solid, but the outcome was inconsequential. In fact, it all came unglued only at the end. Snits ran in and Jeff Hardy came in after. He hit an insane dropkick to the knee and took Gene down cold. He followed with a Whisper in the Wind and, after some other run-ins, nailed a Swanton Bomb on Mean Gene for the pinfall. It was a great finish to an OK match.
Commercial Break. The uncensored Godaddy commercial.
He isn't here, but every Raw Insanity can use a little Khali.
Video Package tells me "Candice Returns Raw." I'm excited, but I also have a feeling that I'm reading that line all wrong.
Happy 1985 everyone! It's Arm Wrestling time in the ring! John Cena hits the scene first and stands next to the arm table. Can Cena, just recovering from an injury, overcome the odds? Can he beat the World's Strongest Man in an arm wrestling match? What the hell will people accuse him of being on if he does? I mean, they're already freaking out. Maybe he should take a dive. He doesn't need the heat.
When Mark Henry walks to the ring even Jerry Lawler has to question Johnny's mental prowess. Why arm-wrestle Mark now? Hell, why arm wrestle him anytime? He'll murder ya to death, kid! That doesn't stop the Marine, though. He has no fear.
The two lean in and prepare to get it on when suddenly - as anyone who's ever seen a pro-wrestling booked arm-wrestling competition could predict - the heel stalls. Henry steps back and incurs questions from the referee and screams from Cena. Come on, Ruben Studdard. Let's do this thing. Fly without wings, player. Fly without wings.
Marcus takes a quick moment to hit the former WWE Champion in his pec and then lock up. The two strain and Henry takes control. He pushes the straining Cena's arm down and looks to have it all locked up…
…which ain't worth anything around these parts. John overcomes this challenge and pushes back. He overtakes the Olympian's grip and pushes back. In fact, he needs only an inch more to score the victory when Randy Orton runs in and hits him in the back.
Randy pounds away, but can't keep his No Way Out challenger down. John tried to lift him up on his shoulders, but Orton scurries from the ring. Cena simply turns his attention to Henry. He hoists the gigantic Silverback onto his shoulders. In what can only be referred to as amazing, J.C. lifts the Mark onto his shoulders, stands there for what seems like hours, and hits the F-U with a mammoth
Sick as hell. The Legend Killer can't believe his eyes as we fade to black.
All in all…Eh. Tonight's Raw was okay. Nothing to sing about but light years above the shows we were getting a while ago. If anything, tonight's episode was a definite dip from the above-average standard they've been setting for themselves lately.
The Kiss My Ass Club is bizarre and doesn't do much for the McMahon character anymore. It's funny for a second but gets old (and weird) quick. It's pretty one-dimensional and above what you would expect for such a well established heel character. Vince doesn't need to drop his drawers to make an impact. I wish he realized that sometimes. If anything, it works against him.
The action in the six man was good, but the big problem here is that this match seemed pointless. It made no difference who won or lost. Although it was fun to watch, it took a lot of the steam out of it and made it feel as though we were going on autopilot and simply showing off the Chamber participants in infomercial form.
Tonight's show also pushed Santino and Carlito to the next level and poised them for a tag run. At least there's that. Unfortunately, Cade/Murdoch and Londrick came out on the short end of the evening. No need to worry, though. As soon as the current tag title feud ends, one of them will be plugged in and start winning all the time as if it had been happening the whole time. That's how tag wrestling works around here.
Anyway, that's it for me. Be sure to check back here on Wednesday for our all new uncut
ClubWWI.com shoot interview. Be Well. Thanks for sharing my Insanity!"