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JG's 3/14/08 Smackdown Insanity: M.V.P. Finds Help From a Samoan Thumb, Finlay Gets Verklempt, and The Undertaker Can't Save The Rocking Horsemen

By James Guttman Mar 14, 2012 - 2:13 PM print


Originally Published March 14, 2008

Plus...an All New JG's Smackdown Insanity comes to World Wrestling Insanity this Friday, March 16th!


 

Backstage...Smackdown...

Zack Ryder: Hey Edge.

Edge: Hey Zack. Hey Curt.

Curt Hawkins: See you got the ol' guitar out.

Edge: Yes, sir. It's an old hobby of mine. Hey. You guys want to hear a story about when I decided to get with Vicki Guerrero?

Hawkins and Ryder: Sure!

Edge: Best. Career. Move. Ever. If you want to be a success in this business, you need to follow my advice.  Do as I do.  Ready?  This is how it all went down. Ya'll know "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers?

Hawkins: Yes.

Edge: This is to the tune of that. You can follow along with the original song and lyrics by clicking here.

Brief confused pause.

Ryder: Clicking where? What are you talking about?

Edge:  Never mind. Ready? Lets go…

Edge strums his guitar and begins singing

Strum…

On a cold autumn eve
On a B show shown on Fridays
I met up with a Guerrero
We were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a'kissing'
Making love within the darkness
The passion overtook us, and Chavo began to speak…
He said, "Edge, I've made a life…

Hawkins and Ryder yell out.

Ryder: (putting up his hands) Wait. What? Chavo?

Hawkins: I thought you were singing about Vicki. Dude, you didn't…

Edge:  (annoyed) Shut up. Let me sing. Pay attention.  You guys are going to be doing this stuff soon too.

Ahem…

Edge strums his guitar and resumes singing

He said, "Edge, I've made a life
Out of jobs for babyfaces
Knew my spots upon the cards were
Never ever gonna rise
So if you don't mind my sayin'
I got a plan that I think's aces
For a taste of your sweep lips,
I'll give you some advice"

So I leaned in close and gasped
As he grabbed onto my ass..

Hawkins and Ryder yell out again.

Hawkins: Dude!

Ryder: You made out with him again?!

Edge: (angry) Look! Do you want me to sing this f**kin' song or not?! HUH!?

Hawkins: I'm sorry.  I just didn't know that you were, you know, gay.

Edge:  What the hell did you just call me?!

Hawkins:  Gay?

Edge:  (laughing) Oh.  I thought you called me Ray.  Ha ha.  My name's not Ray.  Besides that, though.  I'm not gay either.  I'm siging about Chavo.  He's on a different level.  Like Mango.  Only no Mang.  Just Chav.  Pure 100% Chav.

Ryder:  I have no idea what you're talking about.  Just sing.

Edge strums his guitar and again resumes singing

Edge:  So I leaned in close and gasped
As he grabbed onto my ass
Then we shared a cigarette
He asked me for a light
And the plan was stated plainly
His face had a strange expression
He said, "If you're gonna be like The Game, boy
You gotta learn to play it right

You've got to know when to screw 'em
Know when to shoo 'em
Know when to get some play
Know when to run
You never make no money
When you're not doing chicks in power
There'll be time enough for models
When your career is done

Now every Edgehead knows
That the secret to not jobbin'
Is knowin' how to please the GM
And performing to a tee
In every match I am a winner
And the other guy's a loser
And the only wish that I have
Is that Chavo will hump me

And when I finished speakin'…

Hawkins: (leaving the room) That's it. I'm done.

Edge: What?! What?! You have a problem?

Ryder: Dude. I didn't know you hooked up with Chavo! You tricked us.  You said this song was about you first getting with Vicki! All you're singing about is having sex with Chavo Guerrero!

Edge: It is about Vicki! He gave me the idea after we made love for the first time! Aren't you listening?! What the hell! Shut up and listen to my damned song!


Ooooo…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edge strums his guitar and sings

And when I finished speakin'…
That's when he turned back toward the window
I grabbed hold of his bandana
He made a startled leap
And somewhere in the darkness
The Guerrero he broke even
He got himself a title
And a love that was so deep

You've got to know when to screw 'em
Know when to shoo 'em
- Ooooo Chavo! -
Know when to get some play
Know when to run

You never make no money
When you're not doing chicks in power
There'll be time enough for models'
When your career is done....

Edge puts down the guitar.  He sees the Edgeheads running off.

Edge: (calling out) Hey! Where are you going?!  Come on!  Chavo's waiting for you guys at the hotel! 

Hey!


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How The Road Warriors Made Sure Opponents Sold For Them, Memories of Michael "Hawk" Hegstrand, The Reason Behind Rocco The Dummy, Feelings on Demolition, Working Against a Young Jesse Ventura, Nearly Going Blind While Racing The Iditarod, Legion of Doom 2000 With Sunny, Legion of Doom 2005 With Heidenreich, Working The First War Games, WWE's Misuse of LOD, and More

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Smackdown Theme Plays.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Michael Cole and the former Raw announcer who was so bad that it earned him a full time spot on Smackdown, John Coachman. The Smackdown color team is stoked as a joke on coke over tonight's main event. It's Edge and the former Major Brothers (Major Healy and Major Nelson), Zach Ryder and Curt Hawkins, taking on Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair in a friggin' cage! Are you excited? No. Why not? What's wrong with you? You some kind of communist?

Proving that there is pretty much no difference between the brands anymore, we open up with Maria. I do Smackdown figuring it's a change of pace from Raw and out of the first three people I've seen, two of them are people I always cover on Mondays. The newest Playboy cover girl steps up to the top of the ramp and proceeds to address the crowd like a drunk girl at a party with a house microphone. She says it's great to be back in her home town of Chicago and repeats the city's name twice to make sure she doesn't forget. With that, she states her role. Tonight, Mrs. Marella will be hosting the Smackdown Diva Contest. So let's get them deevers out here!

One by one, the contestants come out. Eve Torres. Cherry. Maryse. Victoria. Star Jones. Michelle McCool. Once they've arrived, it's time for another edition of that worked game show thing. (WWE Note: Yeah. Take that, TNA. You and your "Deal or No Deal" garbage. You're not the only ones who can kill time with fake games! At least we get text message money. HA!)

The public has voted and the one who will be going home…or wherever it is they go after losing is Maryse. What a surprise. She's done so much on television. I bet half the people watching this last week were like, "Who the hell is Maurice?"

Once the elimination is over, it's time for the weekly event. This time around, we get an obstacle course complete with tires and a sack race. It starts at the ramp and goes through the ring. Just as we're soaking all this in, Maria reminds us that the winner doesn't get anything. In fact, they might still get voted out. That's up to the audience to decide.

Um…huh?

So before we even watch this obstacle course thing, we know it's pointless? Why is it pointless? Even on Survivor, they get a reward for the non-immunity challenges. They get meat or fire or a pillow or something. You mean no one thought to give them a prize? It's wrestling. Fake it. Say that the winning girl gets a billion dollars in gold bars. Who's gonna know? Fake it. If it's fake...it's free!  Sheesh!

Also…why the hell can't the winner get immunity? You mean to tell me that they can't cut one girl's number for the week or just not count her votes? I don't get it. To hold a contest for nothing is loony tunes. Who would watch "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" without money involved? It's about prizes. What are we? Six years old?

So blah, blah, blah. We get a non-prize contest where Michael Cole shills the Beverly Hills Motorcycle that the winner of the contest will get. Hooray.

In the end, Michelle "McCarribean" McCool wins the event. Michael Cole says she a former science teacher and asks if we can imagine her teaching our science class. No, Michael. No. I can't. My science teachers were all trolls.

Backstage, Ric Flair is…dying! Someone help him! Someone…oh. Wait. He's just pulling up his knee pad. I thought he was collapsing. While my worries might be over, Flair's are just starting. When Shawn Michaels walks into the room, Naitch expresses them. He doesn't want tonight's cage match against the Edgeheads to put HBK at less than 100% come WrestleMania. Shawn tells the Horsemen to chillax. It's all good. Tonight, we're gonna rip it up.

Still to come: No Holds Barred for the United States Title. M.V.P. defends against David Batista. When they first said it was No Holds Barred, a part of me was hoping Zeus would be playing a role in some way.

Commercial Break. It's not fun if the hot tub is too hot.

Raw Rebound: Floyd Mayweather and Big Show weighed themselves. Then Show threw him.  There was a brief stampede when someone in the crowd screamed out, "He's throwing money!"

1. Big Show defeated Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang when he pinned Moore.

Why Shannon Moore doesn't go back to a Three Count-like gimmick is beyond me. He looks like he's 17. No matter how long he wrestles, he looks 17. He looked 17 in 1999. He looks 17 now. He'll look 17 when he's 65. Moore doesn't matter tonight, though. He was on full-scale job squad duty here. When you're fighting the guy in the big WrestleMania crossover match…and you're on the two-man side of a two-on-one handicap match, you're done. Neither guy got any offense in. Coachman said that both Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon are bigger than Floyd Mayweather, which was a nice touch. The massacre finally came to a close when Show pinned Mr. Moore after punching him in the face. No joke.

After the bell, Biggie chucked Jimmy Wang to the outside, just like he did to Floyd. I could just hear Bobby Heenan in my head saying, "He'll be eating his chow mein and frankfurters through a straw for a month, Monsoon."

Up Next: Miz vs. Morrison. The winner gets a spot in the Money in the Bank match. The loser gets crabs.

Commercial Break. Whoa! Robert Loggia.

2. Money in the Bank Qualifier: John Morrison pinned The Miz after a Swinging Neckbreaker.

I still feel like I haven't had the chance to review Smackdown. So far, it's been the Raw Playboy girl, Maria. Then it's Big Show, who's been all over Raw. Now it's Miz and Morrison, who I just reviewed on ECW. It's not just WrestleMania anymore. It's everything now. The roster split is slowly dying and I can't really say I mind that much. The addition of the ECW guys was a smart idea too. It not only gives the Sci-Fi show a rub, but it helps to eat time on Smackdown with good content. As for these two, I said it before. They work great as a team. It's really amazing to see how this whole gimmick has taken off. It's as if their characters just fit perfectly together. The crowd didn't seem to into this one for a while, which was understandable given how they're both arrogant heels.  In the end, they applauded the pain.  Yup. During heel vs. heel matches, the fans usually cheer for pain. When Miz was in agony, they hooted. When Morrison got hurt, they hollered. Other than that, it was silence and one dude, all the way in the back, chanting "boring." He must have been elated when Johnny Nitro hit the swinging neck breaker - or, as he calls it, "The Swinging Neckbreaker" - and got the pinfall.

This completes the field for the Money in the Bank match. For some reason, when they go to the graphic, they play the opening note of the Spirit Squad theme song. It really bothers me. I have flashbacks. I keep waiting for them to run out and yell their names. That's besides the point. The point is that there's been some changes. The final layout is as follows:

Money in the Bank:  Shelton Benjamin. Carlito. C.M. Punk. Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho. John Morrison. MVP. Ken Kennedy.

Yes. Due to some recent discoveries in a certain person's pee-pee, Montel Vontavious Porter has qualified for the event by defeating Jamie Noble at a house show. What an upset. I won't say who's pee-pee it was, but in a related story - Chris Jericho is the new Intercontinental Champion.

Ballin

Commercial Break. New Yorkers had nightmares about this commercial.

We come back from the break and go to story time with Coach and Cole. They tell us about tonight's cage match featuring Edge and The Edgettes against. Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair. They tell us about the giant cage. They tell us about Vicki Guerrero's decision to make the match. Then, Michael Cole says that Edge was Vicki's "lover." Yes. He said it just like that. It was pretty creepy like that Saturday Night Live skit with Will Ferrell where he says, "Lova" over and over. Coachman then transitioned to another Raw angle. It's JBL vs. Finlay. Let's take a look at how all that came to a head on Monday. Roll the footage, Fuzzy.

This Week on Raw: JBL accepted Fit Finlay's WrestleMania challenge. Finlay responded by beating Mr. Kennedy to death with his shillelagh.

Via Satellite, Fit Finlay is standing by and ready for Michael Cole's stupid questions. The first one is just as stupid as we all assumed it would be. He asks Fitty to verbalize his thoughts on the fact that John Layfield f**ked up his Little Bastard son, Horwnswoggle. That's when things took a turn.

"Michael, do you have children? If this had happened to your son, tell me how you'd put your feelings into words? You can't. There's no way to explain what it's like…"
- Finlay

At this point Finlay gets choked up. It was a bit, uh, awkward.

"…There's no way to explain what it's like to watch your son lying in a hospital bed for something he didn't do. Hornswoggle's getting better. But he'll never be the same and that's something I've got to live with for the rest of my life, but so will JBL because the beating I'm gonna give him at WrestleMania, that's something you can't put into words."
           
- Finlay

Duh.  Crybaby.  At least he wasn't wearing the shamrock tights.  I would say it's not the best idea to show a brawlin', fightin' Irishman nearly weeping on TV.  Seems kind of counterproductive to the gimmick, no?

Why Dave Batista is No Longer a Deacon

Deacon Dave, can I speak with you? I've been having some doubts about my faith and my place within the parish. I was thinking that I may perhaps stop coming to Sunday Services.

You come to church or I'll punch you in the face.

Um. OK. Can we perhaps talk about…

Go home or I'll punch you in the face.

OK. Uh. Sure. Bye.

3. No Holds Barred: United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter pinned Batista after Umaga's Samoan Spike.

M.V.P. is great. No doubt. The best thing about him is how he's evolved his gimmick. Look at him a short while ago. It's the little things that make his persona work. The headband, the breathe right strip, the gold chains (JG Note: I don't say "bling" unless I'm being sarcastic. It makes me feel icky), and the outfit all fit together well now. As for Batista, he's exactly as I remember him. He doesn't really do much other than just be big. There's still people who like him, though. There'll always be a market for big. I'll say this, too. Whoever thought of putting him with Umaga at WrestleMania was thinking right. That's a great move on WWE's part. Maga has pretty much exhausted his Raw options. Tista, outside a Smackdown title shot, might seem lost on the PPV. Putting them together kills two birds with one stone and creates a unique match-up. One of the things that really clicked here was the fact that both guys played into their size differences. Montel went for speed and finesse while Deacon Dave used his powers of bigness to stay in control. In one strange spot, Batista seemed to fall as he ran in for an Irish Whip. Michael Cole said that it looked like Porter took him down. I think Michael Cole was kinda lying. It's alright, though. Mr. V.P. retook control and knocked the Animal around like crazy. Then, in an insane spot, Monty unzipped his Power Ranger thing and took off his chain. He proceeded to choke Dave with it. So here. Picture this. Here's Tista, with a metal rope choking the life out of him, coughing and gasping while the referee is asking, "Wha'da'ya say, Dave? Wha'da'ya say?" He's saying, "Help me," fool. He's dying! Get a gun!  He manages to survive though and tries to get back on track. Captain Cornrows is having none of it though. He unhinges the second turnbuckle and attempts to drive Leviathan into it. Bigness prevails though. The monster blocks it and fights back. The momentum shifts and stays that way for a while. Aside from a missed chair to the face and other brief shots, The Balla stays on the receiving end of the Evolutionary's assault. After a sick Spear outside, Davey Boy went for the pinfall, but only scored a two. Porter kept mounting comebacks, but found himself getting shut back down at each turn. He tried everything to keep the tables turned to his side, at one point grabbing a chair and tossing the former Champion into the ring steps. Then, in what he thought would be his coup de grâce, Montel Vontavious removed the ringside mats and tried to land a piledriver….

…but was back dropped on it himself with a sick thud. Batista tried for a pin but couldn't secure the victory again. Out of nowhere, M.V.P. mounted yet another comeback, complete with a chair. The Deacon stopped the Most Valuable Porter from landing the shot, but should have been looking behind himself instead. Why?

Umaga. That's why.

The Samoan Bulldozer was in the ring.  He let out his rebel yell, grabbed Animal by the jowls, and landed the Samoan Spike. Montel slithered over and scored the easy pin. Really good match. The craziest thing about the whole thing? This quote from John Coachman:

"But now Batista can stay on the offense. Take a chance. Get a blow. I think he can be right back into this thing."
           
- Coachman

Come on, Coach. He doesn't have time for that. He's in a match.

Commercial Break. Speaking of New York advertisements…no talking orangutans.

Coachman and Michael Cole wonder if Floyd Mayweather "has butterflies." Huh?  You guys mean as pets or ones that he sings to like a Disney cartoon?

Video Package: Floyd Mayweather has lots of money.

Hey Chuck. Can you hand me a tissue from the table?

Sure. Let me get my motorcycle.

It's right next to you. Like two feet away.

I know. Let me get my motorcycle.

Can't you just walk?!

No way. Why walk anywhere? The ring. This table. I take my bike everywhere. You should hear my old lady bitching when I go to take a piss in the middle of the night.

4. The Great Khali and Chuck Palumbo defeated Kane and Jamie Noble when Khali pinned Noble

I hope the pairing of Kane with Jamie Noble is short lived. I can't take another Big Red Machine "Little Buddy" gimmick. It was funny with X-Pac. It was alright with Hurricane. If I have to see it again, I'm going to jump out of a window. All four guys here are a part of WrestleMania 24's latest match, a 24 man over-the-top-rope tri-branded battle royal. I guess it's 24 men because it's the 24th WrestleMania.  (JG Note: That's pretty cool.  That thinking would have sucked at WrestleMania 4.)  Immediately after the Battle Royal, the winner will face ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero. This is yet another WM match that I think was very smart on WWE's part. Say what you want, but it makes you have to order the show to see not only who wins the title match, but who wins the chance to have the title match. I think it works. Know what doesn't work? A tiny guy with taped up ribs fighting a guy who's the size of a telephone pole. As you might expect, Great Khali squashes Jamie Jung Dragon like a mashed potato and gets a 1,2,3.

Up next: The Legendary Shawn Michaels and The Legendary Ric Flair vs. The World Champion Edge and two dudes that dress like him.

Commercial Break.

2008 Hall of Fame Inductees: Mae Young , Ric Flair, Peter Maivia, Rocky Johnson, and…

The Brisco Brothers. At the time I started watching wrestling, the Briscos were put on a high level. In the late '90s when Jerry became a "stooge," there was less emphasis put on his truly legendary status. It's good to see them inducted and any wrestling Hall of Fame benefits by having them as a part of it.

I'll get Edge. You cue Hawkins and Ryder.

Stephen Hawkins and Winona Ryder?

First of all, it's Stephen Hawking. Second of all, you're an idiot.

Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels are in the ring. Edge and that one guy and the other one walk up the aisle. Then, with WWE's answer to "Geoffrey" from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Teddy Long, Vicki Guerrero comes rolling out in her wheelchair. She has a microphone in her hand and has got a thing or two to say about a thing or two.

"Gentlemen, excuse me. Excuse me. I have something to say. I said this match was going to be a handicap match which means that Hawkins, Ryder ,and the one that I love will be joined by the ECW Champion, who's last name happens to be Guererro!"
        - Vicki Guerrero

5. Edge, Chavo Guerrero, Curt Hawkins, and Zach Ryder defeated Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels in a steel cage.

Edge's lover rolls away and the match begins. Four on two in a steel cage. It was a pretty interesting concept and done in a believable way. It wasn't two legends versus four jobbers. Edge is obviously high up. Chavo is below him. Hawkins and Ryder balance things out. They're like henchmen for Shredder. That's it. In the end, outnumbered usually wins, at least for a while. The Rated R Brood took it to the legends and tied Shawn Michaels in the ropes to make sure he couldn't save his mentor. The beating continued on for a few minutes and just got more and more intense. It was like a post-match beat down more than an actual bout. Ric bled and the blood just kept coming. His hair turned red in that old school Crimson Mask Flair way. Smeared with the Nature Blood, the Smackdown champion relentlessly beat him down. Michael Cole called The Edge Man, "Machiavellian." Which is better than "lover," I suppose. As the minutes ticked by, the shots kept coming. Fans had resigned themselves to the fact that Slick Ric was going to die. That's when Michaels came out of nowhere and staged a brief comeback. I say "brief" because he was tied upside-down immediately. As he hung there, Edgar ran in for his trademarked Spear while crowd booed. This was like watching a mugging. It worked big-time though. After a seemingly endless assault, you just sat there and waited for a comeback. You knew it was coming, but not when. As luck would have it, both good guys came back at the same time. HBK surprised Chavo with a dropkick as he flew from the top rope. Across the ring, Flair tossed the R Rated Superstar into the turnbuckle and sent his stablemates, who were perched atop, tumbling. With that, The Rocking Horsemen cleaned house. Like the aftermath of a car wreck, people were sprawled out all over. Shawn and Ric then locked on Figure Fours. The crowd popped, but Chavito capitalized. He climbed the closest cornerpost and nailed a Frog Splash that sent the good guys rolling in pain. Then…the lights went out.

Bong.

Bong.

Undertaker.

Out of nowhere, The Undertaker showed up in the ring, prompting many people to wonder, "Why didn't Michaels and Flair just get 20 other guys to show up mid-match. No rules, right?" The lights came back on, Taker was behind Edge, and it was on. The Majors tried to attack, but were ultimately unsuccessful. They ate a double chokelsam and Chavo fell victim to a Tombstone. While all this was going on, no one was paying attention to Edge. He made it over the top of the cage and won the match…which confused me because I thought they all needed to get out, but whatever.

Even though The R Rated Superstar had won the match, they played Undertaker's music. The lights went purple and he did the thumb across the throat deal. Then Undie pointed to the WrestleMania logo, confused people who can't read, and ended the show. Fade to black.

All in all...Yo. Smackdown's pretty bad-ass.

Sure there's the few spattered thunderstorms here and there. The diva contest is filler. Finlay gets choked up. Things like that. But overall, the whole episode just worked. Maybe it's the pre-taped nature of the show. Who knows? For some reason, the wrestling is better and there's so much less blah, blah than you get on Raw.

There weren't any 20 minute in-ring segments. Raw has like two or three a week. They told a lot of their stories through matches and gave the entire night a very old school feel.

Dave Batista versus M.V.P. was really good. It was one of the best matches I've seen Batista in since, I can't remember when. It's a smart idea for him to wrestle matches with guys who are Porter's size, because it will just give him more people to work with long-term. This match worked well and the Umaga appearance didn’t hurt it. Actually, it was the point. Rather than sell the Maga-Tista match with a half hour of "Umaga will beat you"/ "Oh no he won't," they tack it onto a good wrestling contest. It was a good move.

Same thing with the main event. That really worked on a number of levels. It wasn't a DX vs. The World thing where you had to suspend disbelief.  It was done logically. Michaels and Flair got beat up. That's what you expect. Even after Taker showed up, they lost. Plus the whole extended beating was a great visual that can be cut up in promo packages for years to come. Again, though, it told the story in a ring rather than on a microphone.

I'm actually pretty complimentary of everything WWE is doing lately as it relates to WrestleMania's latest matches. The Umaga vs. Batista match is a great move and, as I mentioned in the show review, takes two guys who don't have many people to work with and gives them a unique bout. The other is the ECW Title Match Battle Royal Challenge. I'm always in favor of keeping a secondary title challenger's name up in the air for a pay-per-view until the show. It's like Honky Tonk Man and The Ultimate Warrior. People go buck silly if the strap changes hands.

So there it is.  First Smackdown Insanity in three years.  I missed ya, Michael Cole.  So that does it for me. Remember, Paul Ellering's 50 minute shoot interview is posted on ClubWWI.com. You can still listen to last week's JG's Radio Free Insanity with Ivan Koloff and The Stro  in the meantime.

Be sure to check out Aaron Wood's always awesome Smackdown Unreal Time Report. Aaron does an awesome job with both Smackdown and Impact each week.  Be sure to check him out...or else he'll go old school Scottish on your arse.

Quick note on next week: There won't be an Insanity. I've been trying to balance time around, but fear not. On Monday, we’ll have a brand new 64 Minute ClubWWI.com shoot with someone who has helped to put together some of today's wrestling and tells you how it all gets done.  Get ready to go behind the curtain like you wouldn't expect. 

Be Well!  Thanks for sharing my Insanity!




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Jun 21, 2016
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Jun 20, 2016
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Jun 6, 2016
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Jun 2, 2016
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May 19, 2016
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May 12, 2016
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May 3, 2016
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