|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
JG's 4/24/06 Raw Insanity: Hunter, Cena, and Edge Aren't Ready To Make Nice and God Doesn't Save the Queen (or anyone else)
By James Guttman
 ...
It began over 5,000 years ago when civilization was young. Every major culture, Egypt, Greece, Rome, India, Japan, studied it, practiced it, perfected it to a fine art. They admired its Olympian demands: strength, speed, agility, skill, grace and courage. They did it to honor their gods. They did it to honor their kings. They did it to train their soldiers. They did it to compete...and they did it for fun. It has come down through the ages to us today. It is…World Wrestling Entertainment.
The McBible I n the beginning God created man and ring. Now the ring was formless and empty without anything to capture the imaginations of fans and spectators. And God said, "I don’t care about the fans and spectators. This is what I hath created and this shall be what the people pay for." God was stubborn and focused his efforts on creating things like trees and silly putty rather than perfecting the art of in-ring entertainment. Then, on the seventh day, as God took a nap, Vince McMahon was born. Born outside the realms of the Lord, McMahonius of Connecticus stood high and mighty and said, "Let there be gimmicks," and there were gimmicks. Vince saw that the gimmicks were good, and he separated the good gimmicks from the bad ones. Vince called the good gimmicks "ideas to be used during times of competition," and the bad gimmicks he called "shit we’ll put on Raw to make me giggle." And there was worm-eating, and there was poopie and cheapsauce for the Vince said it was good. Then Vince said, "Let there be a tower where everyone will work on new ideas." And it was so. The Tower sprung up from the ground and produced corporate entities. Wearing suits and pushing paper, the Tower was overflowing with ideas and promise. And Vince saw that it was good. And there were rules, and there were regulations and there were fines. The great Laurinaitis saw to that. Looking to the Earth for his share of giants, The Great Laurinaitis wanted men of mass and size. Laurinaitis begat Snitsky, Heidenreich, Chris Masters, and others to do his bidding. He sent word to Vince and informed Him of his plans. Vince saw that it was good and he praised him. The Vince stood atop his great Tower and looked down at all he hath created. Horny and Omniscient, the Vince swore death and disaster unto those that attempted to rebuke him. He burned down WCW with the power of 100 men. Burning from the ground up, Vince ordered those fleeing the wreckage not to look back as they ran. Disbelieving the words of the Vince, Buff Bagwell turned back to see the fiery destruction and was instantly turned into a pillar of slippery hotdogs. His remains were fed to Viscera and those who continued to run from the burning promotion agreed not to look back. So it is written. So it was done. Hot dog. He destroyed ECW with the power of 9 men. Burning out of control, the Vince took pity on those beneath him. Unlike the sinners and philanderers of Atlanta, those who practiced the art of Extreme were not condemned to die. Under the leader, Paulionus Heymanicus of his Mother’s Basement, ECW showed that they had redeeming factors. They still believed in their Lord, Vince McMahon. So the Vince showed mercy and only destroyed those which he had no need for. Tommy Dreamer lived on while those with bad attitudes were sent to the far away land to practice their crafts. Some went to the land of sushi and geishas. Others went to the small towns. Others went elsewhere, but that is not important for they don’t work here. As Heymanicus stood at Vince’s table, he uttered the words that made it all good. Said Paulionus, "Lord Vince, this is the barbed wire that was used to create the magic. Doth we create this great weapon? It is the power bestowed upon us by you, oh Vince that has created the tables and the kendo sticks. It hath been you from the start and in the end it shall be you again. We bow to your presence. We crown upon you, Oh Vince, the King of Extreme. Before I taketh thy leave, I hath but one question. Doth thou have five shillings I may borrow?" And the Vince gave him three shillings and all were amazed.
Then upon the 25th day of the 10th month of the 2003rd year, Stephanie, begat of Vince and Linda, was betrothed to the King of Kings Triple H, begat of Mr. Levesque and the letter H. On that day, the Vince spoke the words that granted both the life that they sought to live. The Vince spoke, "Sometimes love don’t feel right. It sounds like a fight. It sounds like an arg-u-ment. It sounds just like a Piledriver. Oh yes. A piledriver." All who heard his words rejoiced in their truth and the love between the Princess and the K.o.K. blossomed. For on this day, the Vince was given a son. Though he hath another son, that one doth not count for he was not huge in stature. This son is the son by which all other sons are to be judged. For this was the son of sons and this son was a major K.o.K. Upon that day was born a prophecy - one that would be fulfilled each week on the first day of the work week, following the Sabbath. Pinfalls and submissions befell all those who attempted to impugn the son. For Vince is the Lord and by a swipe of his pen, he sent his only son to face the challenges. And Vince said, "I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my son. And you will know I am the Vince when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
Goldberg doth fell. For the baldheaded dog lover doth not know the ways of the Tower and all the power it offered. His spear was rebuked and his power was negated. The Vince sent him away and the question was answered. The man who was next was Goldberg himself. And they all laughed and ate cake to celebrate his end. Cain doth fell. His mask and his life dashed in an instant thanks to the K.o.K.tacular ways of the owner and his son. However, Cain's obedience earned him a film role and the right to rape Lita of the Sahara Pita. Living in fire had prepared him for life in the Tower. Yay for his job had been rewarded. Randy Orton doth fell. For the young man liked to leaveth his poop in luggage of others. Young maidens screeched in horror upon the discovery that their delicates hath been soiled with the digested desserts that the Legend Killer hath produced. He too fell to the power of the K.o.K. He too was sent away into the far away worlds without a second thought for reasons that shall not be spoken. And they all laughed and ate more cake to celebrate his end. Countless names crumbled to the King until the day that John Cena – Warrior Prince emerged from New England. With gold spinning from his pelvis, the sultan of the streets embraced his glowing white skin and smiled at all those who came before him. If unchecked, he shall be different from the other kingdoms, and shall devour the whole earth, trample it and break it in pieces. It shall take a King to stop him. The Vince’s only son, K.o.K. shall attempt to squash the Beast at the Mania of Wrestling, only to be thwarted. An adulterer shall be sent to assist his quest at Backlash, but he too shall be rebuked. For his prize of Lita was no different than that of Cain before him; Matthew of Hardy before him; Essa Rios before him; and Super Porky before them. For he had Pork and ham and all thought it was delicious. So it is said. So it is written. When the Beast of Cena approached the sixth month of the sixth year of the 2000s, Rob Van Damned confronted him. Unable to rise above all those who held him down, Van Damned tried to break the glass ceiling for that was "ver-y im-porn-ent." Unsuccessful, he turned back to the Heavens of Extreme. His goal was to take the title from the Beast. His mission, successful or not, was unimportant. For time moved on from 2006 and it never ceased to be about one specific entity. That entity be the Lord, Vince McMahon, and all that he commanded in his presence. The mortals meant not anything more than players in the grand stage. For it was not Rob Van Damned doth be the subject. It was not Prince Bischoff or the Great Goldberg or Super Porky or Cain or Joseph Stylonious of Philadelphia that held the key. It was the Vince and his only son that all turned to for guidance and life. For his tan was deep and his muscles were protruding. And yay in the end, the Vince shall summon upon him the great admiration of the masses. They tune to watch his programming for decades gone by and decades to come. Though people doth complain, he is unfazed. They jump on his decisions. They jump on his ego. Worst of all, they jump on his K.o.K. His K.o.K. shall still rise, says he. It shall rise and rise and spit its liquid upon those in the front row. Sopping wet; it will cover all the mortals that attempt to demean the Vince until Judgement Day. We doth not mean "Judgement Day" as in the pay-per-view. We mean Armageddon. Wait…again, we don’t mean the pay-per-view "Armageddon." We mean Doomsday. Hey, that beith a good name for a pay-per-view. Then the king of the earth, the princes, the jobbers, the mighty, and every slave and every free man hid in caves and among the rocks of the mountains. They called to the mountains and the rocks, "Fall on us and hide us from the face of him who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Hunter! For the great day of their wrath has come, and who can stand?" Then the K.oK. and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is willing to join the Kiss My Ass Club, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him into the Hall of Fame and give him a DVD. All others shall be sent to the land of Sushi or unpaid Indys.
He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon."
Hey hey! What’s up, everyone? It’s another Monday and it’s time for another edition of Raw Insanity. This week’s edition is a little different. We’re in jolly old England and everyone drives on the other side of the road. They eat chips and capers, and puff a fag when it’s all over. Bloody hell! Well, let’s all gather our belongings and head over there to watch the show! What’s that you say? You can’t get off work to go over to England for Raw?! What?! What the hell do you have to do that’s so important, you can’t blow off your job, schooling, or responsibilities to see the Spirit Squad live?! Huh?! Whatever. No matter. That’s where I come into the equation. You don’t need to go anywhere. Just sit back and stare at the monitor that you usually watch porn on. It’s Monday. It’s 9pm. It’s on USA and it’s in England. Booyah Kazah! It’s Raw…and it’s wicked. Respeck.. Video Recap of Shane McMahon’s reaction to the public bitchslapping of his father by Shawn Michaels. Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim, chim, charew, Joe-y Styles has a packed show for you. Chim, chiminey, chim chiminey, chim, chim, cha-rick, now it’s time for the guy who stole Matt Hardy’s chick…. Greetings and salutations, you United Kingdom Edgeheads. Adam "Edge" Copeland is here along with Miss Lita to tell all of you in the U.K that this Sunday will be the pay-per-view that puts him back on the map. That’s right. The Rated R Superstar is going to be locking up with two men at the pay show. One of those men is Triple H. On that, R-Boy shows footage of his pinfall on the Game last week. The other man he’s face at Backlash is WWE Champion John Cena. The fans know who John is. He’s the good guy that they all boo. Upon mention of his name, this crowd reacts accordingly. Adam rewards their jeers with footage of his victory over JC at New Year’s Revolution. Spot a pattern, people? That’s right. Copeland beats ‘em all! Captain Canadian Copeland then proclaims himself to be superior to both Colonists and Brits and promises that he’ll be taking the WWE Title back at Backlash Laroux. Triple H Shopping List Pert Plus Sledgehammer Wax Wendy’s Hamburgers without the buns Nutella Poland Spring Bottled water. (The medium bottles for throwing. NO BIG BOTTLES. Big Bottles hurt little kids in stands) YJ Stingers Triple H hath arrived and the King of Kings doth receive a positive ovation. These rowdy hooligans are hooting and hollering for the heel turned cool heel. Triple revels in his coolness and breaks into his act. The fans cheer him on as he equates Edge’s short title reign to a short time in bed. Hunt even throws in an impression of premature ejaculation for kicks. Hunter "Dice" Helmsley gets the crowd to react even more as he mocks the 5 second poser and the frustration he gives his girlfriend. After the obligitory "slut" chants, Hunterella jumps in and says that Adam should do some Viagara endorsements. He could be the "pre-mature superstar." Trips makes it rhyme and it gets a nice reaction from the crowd again. The King of Popularity informs Copeland that his title reign was nothing. He tells the former Brood member that he hasn’t been a real World Champion until he can do it "ten times in a row." (JG Note: Technically, it’s impossible to be champion ten times in a row unless you keep beating yourself for the title over and over.) Adam apparently embraces his short sex gimmick by telling the Gamy aggressor that he doesn’t need to take a long time to win the World Title. He only needs three seconds. That’s what it took to beat you last week, K,o.K. face. Ha! Yeah! He beat you, Gameboy! Snap. Oh, snap. Mr. Steph then breaks into gravel voice mode and swears that Backlash will be the night he takes his throne back for an eleventh time! Edgy rolls his eyes at all this. Why? Cause you don’t belong in this match, Hunter. AC tells the world what he thinks about all this:
"You never answered this question. Why are you even in this triple threat match? You lost at WrestleMania and you never beaten me. So are you in this triple threat because of you past accomplishments or are you in this because you like to dial up the old man, as you like to call him? Vince McMahon. You like to get on your knees and b, b, beg him to be in the match?" Uh oh. No he di’int. Snapmeister Extrordanaire Helmsley replies that the only person in the ring that gets on their knees is Lita and she’s not even in the match! From there Hunter promises that his relationship with Vinnie Mac plays no role here. He’ll bash Big Mac in the face with a sledgehammer if he has to! Hell, he’ll slap his old Granny – Grandma Betsy Furface McHunteriffic - with a sledgehammer if it gets him to the WWE Title. Why? Cause he has no soul! Ahhhhh ha haha! No one can stop him…. Welcome to Saint Mary’s church. I’m Sister Mary Katherine. Yo, I’d like to make a donation. Oh my! You’re John Cena! Yes I am, Sister. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Get off my property or I’ll blow your head off. But Sister… BOOOOOOO!
It’s go time when John Cena arrives. It’s also boo time. The capacity crowd goes postal on the Thuggy Doctor, but he ignores them and opens up on Triple H. Punches galore flow through the air. However, before the brawl really gets going, another theme song hits. It’s the Spirit Squad. Kenny! Johnny! Nick! Saddam! Mikkkkkeeeeyyyyy! Hey UK, all five tag champions are in the flat! The Spirit Squad gets a poor response, but cheers for us all anyway. Their cheer is meant to both mock John Cena and make a "big" announcement. Tonight, we’re going to have a handicapped match main eventing the show. Prepare for the Spiriters against the team of….Edge, Triple H, and…Nailz! Nah, I’m kidding. It’s John Cena. They’re teaming with John Cena. Nailz would have been awesome, though. Right? Commercial Break. Wait a minute…I’m not supposed to confuse a "gecko" with Geico? Holy crap. I’ve been paying that gecko in my yard hundreds of dollars every year. He told me it was all the same thing. That son-of-a-bitch! Hey Carlito, listen, we here at WWE’s creative department think you’ll really take off as a babyface. Honest! We even came up with a great idea to, you know, connect you with the audience. We’re going to get two midgets with afros and have then accompany you to the ring. We’re gonna call them the Apple Jacks! Ah? Ah? Apple Jacks. You like? One can be Jack and the other one can be…uh, Jack. We haven’t figured that part out yet. But the rest is cool, right? Huh? Say it. Say, "That’s cool."
1)
Rob Van Dam, Carlito, and Charlie Haas defeated Shelton Benjamin, Chris Masters, and Matt Striker when RVD pinned Benjamin.
Good to see Striker getting some Monday Night Ringtime. They’ve done a pretty lackluster job introducing him to anyone outside of the Heat audience for a while. Considering the amount of publicity he got initially for his personal/sick day oopsie, you’d think that Matt would have been pushed hard initially and then cooled down. Instead, they opted for a slow buildup. Weird. Regardless, it was good to see him used. I mentioned in a news update earlier this week that Charlie Haas is one of the wrestlers who participated in World Wrestling Insanity: The Book. While I’m glad he’s back, it’s sort of weird to see how he’s being used. His feud with Shelt seems forced and forgotten at this point. They should have had Benji take credit for the success of "The World’s Greatest Tag Team" in the weeks leading up to Chucky’s big return. It doesn’t have to be the main point of his promos or anything. He could still talk about Rob Van Dam. He would just need to throw subtle statements in about his past tag team glory and how it was all his hard work. They didn’t and Haas came home to a cold crowd. That wasn’t the only problem here. Unfortunately, the main issue I had with the Haas comeback last week was that he was playing the role of a babyface while placed into a somewhat heelish position. Charlie was laying into Benjamin with screams of, "Did you forget me?!" It came across like a crazy bad guy attacking a former partner. When you factor in the confused silence of the crowd, it made for a peculiar situation. As for the match itself, it was something good. All the guys involved did their thing and it kept people entertained. You can chalk it up to good teamwork on the side of RVD, Carly, and Haas. After a string of maneuvers, Van Dam ended up on the top rope and slammed Shelton with a Frog Splash of the Five Star Variety. The babyfaces pick up the win and Mama Benjamin dies a little inside while watching from her home or hospital room or wherever we’re supposed to be pretending she is.
Still to come: A Bikini Time Killer, a handicapped match, and Shane vs. Shawn 2 – The Secret of the Ooze.
Dennis the Menace’s Dad, Todd Grisham, meets up with Mr. McMahon in the leather couch room. Big Mac references last week’s stupid "act of God." Apparently the pyrotechnics that interrupted Vinnie’s shenanigans was the fault of a poor technician, not God. Vince fired that employee and went about his day. That electrical issue wasn’t an "act of God.". If God does any sort of act, Michaels best hope it occurs at Backlash. HBK is going to need it. All that being said, McMahon informs us that God is not in the building tonight. Yup. God’s not in this place. He’s elsewhere. So tonight, when Shane McMahon takes out his aggression on the Midnight Rocker, it will be done without interference from the Lord. Shane-o Mac then jumps in and swears to "God" that the Heartbreak Kid won’t walk out of the building of his own free will.
Backstage Torrie Wilson is half naked because that’s what she gets paid for.
In another section of the building, Kane is sweating and mumbling to himself. He’s approached by fellow sweaty mumbler Big Show. Show knows that there’s some ish between you and him, Red. He gets it. But maybe we can work something out here. Biggie wants to know what your problem is. Dr. Yankum claims it’s the May 19th date. That’s the day that drives him crazy! He goes crazy! Don’t say it, BS. If you do, Paul Bearer’s baby boy will go bonkers. The Showster says the magical date and the monster, as promised, goes insane! He belts away on his former partner and digs into his eye. As the Eye Scream Man is yanked away by Trevor Murdoch,. Lance Cade, and the guy who killed his unborn baby, Show screams "he pulled my eye out!" That’s part of Kane’s movie, by the way. He likes eyes. So I’m still getting a big May 19th tie in with the movie release and the Big Red Machine saying that that the evil character is somewhat based on his real life. Whatever works. Either way, Kane-o is now insane-o and he has Big Show’s eye. Sweet. He could probably get a buttload for that on Ebay.
Commercial Break. "At Backlash, there is no tomorrow." Does that mean Raw won’t be on?
Armando Alesandro Coachman is in the ring and his big collar is screaming "Ricky Ricardo." Johnny C is here to host the UK bikini contest. Best part about time fillers like this? You can spend 45 minutes on entrances along.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Making matters worse, they come to the ring in robes. So it’s not even like you’re watching half naked women walk to the ring. You’re watching robed women walk to the ring.
The women then stripped to the tune, "Don’t Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. It was, well… women stripping. You want to read about it? No. Of course you don’t. If anything, you’d want to have seen it. Sorry. You missed it. All I have to offer is this promo poster for the new movie, Amercian Dreamz, if you will.
Oh and, uh, Candice finished the whole thing by kissing Victoria on the lips. Yeah. You missed that too. Sorry. I doubt the movie poster helped you feel better. Funny enough, the rowdy crowd seems to pick Torrie Wilson as the winner. Going against what WWE had hoped for, John Coachman had to step in and name Candice Michele the winner. As a reward for his decision, he tells Candy that she now must make out with him. Yeah. Slip the Coach some GoDaddy tongue. (JG Note: She doesn’t want to make out with him, though. You have chlorophyll man up there going on about God knows what and all he can talk about is making out with you. She’s here to learn, everyone. Not make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll!) . Michele looks uneasy and right before Johnny C can mouthrape her, he’s interrupted…by Viscera. The World’s Largest Barney Love Machine hits the squared circle in his PJs and tells the audience to raise the roof. Undaunted, Coachman seems to think that Vis is here to help him out. Chill, Mabel. You don’t need to be here. Coach is gonna get him a little sumpin, sumpin. The V-Man hears you, JC. That’s why he’s here, you cutie bootie. How about if the giant man-humper does to you what you were gonna do to Candice? (Iron Shiek Note: Brian Blair! You like a little gay! You like a little Viscera gay! You are worse than Hulk Hogan. You are worse than Michael Jackson!) On that note, the big purple rapist flattens the Coach with a Samoan Drop and then a splash. Miss Michele cheers him on and we watch a replay. Commercial Break. You can sue people for making you full? Nice! Mo money! Mo money! Back from the break and the first one up is Mr. McMahon. He asks that we all welcome his son, who he refers to as "the product of my omnipotent semen." (JG Note: Omnipotent? It’s omnipotent? That’s a hell of a thing to know. How did he find out? Did he ask it? Knowing him, I wouldn’t doubt it. How’d ya like to accidentally walk in on that conversation?)
2) Shawn Michaels defeated Shane McMahon via disqualification
This one really started off with a whimper and resembled a training session at first. Shane-o showed his skills off by hitting HBK with a number of different hold and moves before finally going for a Moonsault. Although he missed, Little Mac looked great executing it and got a lukewarm reaction for it. Following the highspot, he exchanged fists with Kid Heartbreak before falling to a flying a forearm. The crowd picked up at that point and stayed behind Shawn for most of his offense. When Michaels went for a flying elbow, Vince tried to interfere but was kicked. The Former DXer hit his move and then started to tune up his foot for some sweet chin music. Seeing this, Daddy Mac pulled the Rocker from the ring and all hell broke loose.
HBK set up VKM on the announce table and the returned to the ring. He tried to ascend from the ropes and hit the boss with a flying maneuver, but he was stopped by Shane. The son hit the Boy Toy with a low blow and then joined his father in a family beatdown. Eventually God’s partner found himself stretched out on the announce table himself. In an ironic twist, it was Shane McMahon scoring a huge pop from the UK crowd as he sailed from the top buckle into Shawn and through the table. After the spectacular spot, the VinMan got on the microphone and promised his Backalsh foe that he and God have "no chance in hell." He finished with:
"Praise be! Praise be the name of Shane Brandon McMahon! Praise be the name of Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah and amen! Amen!"
Commercial Break. USA has a contest called "show us your character." Go on. Just whip it out. They asked for it.
During the break, Shawn Michaels hobbled his broken ass back to the showers. Earlier tonight, Kane went crazy because someone said the date of his movie’s release. He took out Big Show’s eye because of it. That’s his thing. He takes out eyes. They’re going to change his name to the Big Red Ryder B.B. Gun. We follow this up with a look at Kane’s new movie. Joey Styles warns that it’s very graphic. It in theaters May 19th, but don’t tell anyone or you’ll lose a eyeball. Backstage, the WWE Champion is in a room full of clutter and school desks. Why? I have no idea. He’s approached by Edge and the two exchange pleasantries. Adam tells John that he’ll be taking the WWE Title back at Lash. However, tonight it’s about beating the Spirit Squad. So everyone needs to be on the same page. Hunter, Cena, and Copeland need to be cool – like three little Fonzies. JC agrees to be cool, but says that come Backlash, Edge will "go down quicker than your little girlfriend." Dr. Thuggy chuckles, happy with his diss, and takes his leave. Hee hee. Go down. Commercial Break. There’s two earn poker for free websites competing for my attention on Raw now? I wasn’t even aware that this was a service that we needed bad enough to have one free poker site doing cable ads. Now we have two? Free poker lessons? Whatever happened to losing the kids’ college fund all in the name of learning? Backstage in a hallway, Lita and Edge are talking and we can’t hear them. The announcers guess at what they might be saying. Pretty pointless. You know what I did? I turned the sound down and made up my own words. Go on. It’s fun. 3) Umaga pinned Steve Lewington after "The Spiked Thumb" You got three minutes and you’re out of here. The clock is ticking and your clear… Jamal squashed his foe with the greatest of ease, even slamming the side of his head into the ring steps. Sick. He didn’t stop there. Egg Nogga slammed away on Lewington with headbutts and buttbutts before finally putting him out of his misery with a thumb to the neck. Lawler called it the "spiked thumb." I kid you not. After the bell, Ric Flair raced from the back and attacked the Mag-man. Naitch pounded the islander with punches until he fell from the ring. The Nature Boy’s music played out as he stood tall in the ring. Backstage, Lita is talking to…Triple H! Uh oh! Leets must want a one-way ticket to the unemployment line because she offers the King of Kings a proposition. Tell you what, Helmsley. We need to keep this team working as "well oiled machine." Let’s do that, shall we? H expresses his surprise at Amy’s kind demeanor. The Cerebral Assassin wonders if she’ll be this nice after he pounds her boyfriend on Sunday. Dumas replies that if he does, maybe he can hit her with his "sledgehammer." She walks off and Trips grins at the unexpected flirtatious remark that his wife’s writing team scripted. He then calls off to Leetles and asks for some advice in tonight’s match considering that she has experience "taking on five guys at once." (JG Note: 37? In a row?) Commercial Break. The Pollution Owl must be pissed that they turned his "Hoot" into a cheesy kids movie. Holy pissballs! It’s Mickie James and our very own Girl Interrupted has opted to return to her brunette roots. She realized that things got a little whacked with Trish, but how could you blame her? MJ was stoked as a joke to take the Women’s Title from Miss Stratus. Wouldn’t you? James admits that she tried to "be Trish Stratus," but after last week, she knows exactly who she is. She’s Mickie James and she’s your new WWE Women’s Champion! Yeah! F**K YEAH! The Mickster says she has nothing left to prove. Hell, she’s a better person than Trisha! Yeah! F**CKIN’ A RIGHT SHE IS! YEAH! And at Backslash…. This brings out Trish Status. Miss Trish is dressed just like Mickie and hops around the ring to show her excitement. Every time the real Miss James opens her mouth, Strats jumps in and says something over her. It was like an 80s sitcom type thing. It was sort of like Pee Wee Herman’s "I know you are, but what am I." It was here that we hit a stop point. Stop - I stop it here because I saw last week’s show, although I didn’t recap it, and something really stood out to me. This entire situation has been written to be played on TV. The subtle dialogue and deep mental issues (the situation with MJ and "Jack" the boyfriend last week) all work for this feud. The problem is that it plays out in front of a live crowd. A live audience has no time for subtle anything. Half the time, they aren’t catching every word that said in the ring anyway so it all turns into a "what" fest after a while anyway. It gets worse because the segment, while playing out better on television, is hindered in its TV presentation because the audience is so unhappy. I think a lot of these skits would have played out better in backstage segments than in-ring ones, but such is what it is. WWE’s put so much effort into this Mickie-Trish conflict and it’s a shame to see it not work as well as we’d like to hope it would. This is one of those times where it really seemed like they were trying. Back to real time (JG Note:…or, rather real time on US Cable. It’s been taped for days), Trish knocks her former stalker silly with a big chick kick to the head. The Women’s Champion crumbles to the outside and Strats bounces up the aisle. End scene. Up next – The Five Chinese Brothers take on Larry, Darryl, and Darryl. Commercial Break. "Oxy Chill Factor is cool because acne isn’t." Does that mean Acne is hot? It’s hot to have acne? Man, kids today with their crazy fads. 4) Triple H, John Cena, and Edge wrestled The Spirit Squad to a no contest. While I’m a fan of the direction WWE took with the Cena-Hunter feud and the inclusion of Edge, I’m not a big fan of the inconsequential predictable booking. It’s definitely run it’s course as far as combinations in matches goes and I’ll be glad when it all finally culminated. Also, while I’m not a huge supporter of the Spirit Squad gimmick or giving five new guys the same characters to play, I think WWE has used the team they’ve created well. It’s like having five Coachmans on the active roster. The situations that Coach used to find himself in are now shared by the SS. They get beat up by people higher on the roster and it doesn’t hurt their characters when they look bad at the hands of others. That’s why they exist. This match played out well and had a different dynamic than the other incarnations of Edge-Cena-Hunter. Having them work as a unit did what it was supposed to. It made the trio seem superior to mere mortals while still keeping them in each other’s business. In the end, Team Backlash gained control and each member took a turn hitting their signature move. After breaking up a mass mugging on the Game, John Cena nailed a Squadder with his F-U. Behind him, Gameboy hit a Pedigree. Edge smiled and left the ring while his two partners stared each other down. Knowing their paranoia would lead each man to suspect the other of trying to steal the spotlight, Copeland backstepped up the aisle as the K.o.K. and Doc Thugz went off on each other with punches. Adam and the Hardy Girl giggle away as their Backlash opponents roll around the ring. What will happen Sunday? Who will win? Give us your money! Fade to black! Ole`! All in all…the type of show that you don’t feel right praising relentlessly, yet wouldn’t feel right trashing. It was an ok edition of Raw is Taped. It’s what you expected. There were some really good moments on the show. Triple H might be better off embracing the babyface character after all. He’ll be able to rip into his foes with a biting realism that comes off more as "comedy" than "burial." He has carte blanche to shoot away and his opponents always seem to tip toe around his faults. Ah. It’s good to be King. Am I complaining about all this? Nah. It is what it is and in the end, it makes for good TV. You can just picture the Game practicing his zingers backstage in the bathroom mirror. Let him have his fun. Crack your jokes, Sideburns.
OK, here’s the deal with the God thing. It’s pretty obvious that the reason God was pulled from a tag match on tonight’s Raw was that WWE doesn’t want to give away what/who God is. Sadly, I don’t think they’re fully sure yet. It’s going to take a lot to keep this feud from finishing on a flat note. There’s an endless supply of let downs to all this: A guy in a white robe – Letdown. Lights go out. They come back on and Vince is knocked out. – Let down. In fact, the only somewhat interesting outcome I can think of is Triple H emerging as "God" and joining the newly heel Shawn Michaels in DeGeneration X. Vince and son fake babyface for three weeks and then join the new DX. That actually doesn’t sound bad. All that being said, it’ll probably be a beam of light. WWE’s done a good job of keeping the release date of Kane’s movie on people’s minds. They’re original plan was going to be "See Kane’s movie, it comes out nine days before James Guttman's book ." They shot that idea down for some reason. So, top to bottom, tonight’s show was OK in the UK. Now there’s a PPV name. So Backlash is coming soon and you all have to be excited. We are, of course. Will the King of Kings rise back to his throne? Join World Wrestling Insanity.com for real time coverage of the event as well as discussion in our message boards. TNA fans followed along last night with our Lockdown real time report. We recap each pay-per-view as it happens. So be sure to check us out whenever your pocketbook – or manpurse, if you will - seems a bit light for the month. While on the subject of in-house stuff, thanks to all of you who have dropped me a line about our new look. It’s been in the planning stages for a while and I was glad to see it all come together nicely. I’ll be back in the next few days with the announcement of this week’s Radio Free Insanity guest. You still have a chance to check out the interview with BG James I conducted last week by clicking here. Until next week, be well and thanks for sharing my insanity Contact James Guttman: JG@ WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
Need More Insanity? Join The Club Plus Uncut Interviews With Tons of Wrestling Stars Including Eric Bischoff, Kevin Nash, Jerry Lawler, and MANY MORE! WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
MISSING?
|
| All content contained here Copyright 2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
