What’s up, Backlashers? Are you still recouping from last night’s amazing show? Are you over all the excitement and surprise? Do you hate my sarcasm? Yeah. Me too. I’m a jerk.

Anyway, usually I reserve the post-PPV Raw Insanity intros for events that took place at the show. Well, considering almost nothing happened on the show, I thought we’d just go for something fun. So without further ado, I present…

World Wrestling Insanity’s ABCs

It’s the basics of the Insanity. It’s the building blocks upon which so much is based. Sure, there’s many people who didn’t get their own letter, but so goes life. What are you gonna do, right?

I do have some good news, too. I discovered why everyone hates John Cena! Yup. Figured it out. Turns out it has less to do with him and more with the company he keeps. I've sprinkled all my photographic proof throughout the Insanity, so keep your eyes peeled (JG Note: So they'll be easier for Kane to eat.)

Now that you’ve got the ABCs stuck in your head, it’s time to move on to the issue at hand. God didn’t help Shawn Michaels last night as the father, the son, and the goofs in green did their damage to Saint Heartbreak. Can HBK kick up and raise a miracle against the Cheerleading Corporation? Has Ric Flair finally finished his long storied career now that he was beaten…by a thumb? Who’s next on Mickie James’ crazy-ass hitlist now that Trish Stratus has been taken out of the equation? Will WWE just ignore the Women’s Division again? What’s with Kane’s head? Why is it all screwy loco? Is he tripping? Finally, what is the deal with John Cena? With his iron grasp on the WWE Title, you’d think he was railing a McOffspring. Does the Doctor of Thuganomics serve another purpose besides making Triple H look like he’s incredibly over with the crowd by comparison? Why was Typhoon used for the Letter F? Because his name is Fred Ottman. That’s why. Anyway, there’s tons more questions to be answered tonight. Are you ready for the answers? You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! You can try, though. Gear up, sit back, and hum a happy tune. Monday Night is here and it’s time for the USA Network to do the dang thing. Raw it up!

Vince McMahon’s here. He’s weird. Get used to it. The chairman tells the viewers of how he and his son Shane defeated Shawn Michaels and God last night. So, seeing as how the boss was victorious, he’ll now do what "God does all the time." He’s taking a day off. Oh yes. In his absence, Vinnie Mac has named Five – count ‘em, Five – General Managers. That’s right. G.M.s. ‘Member those? Well they’re back…in pog form. Who are they? Well grab your pom poms and let out a scream. It’s the Spirit Squad, baby. Mikey, Nick, Kenny, Foo-Foo, and Baxter are all taking over the show for the night. You ready for a big announcement out of the New World Cheerleaders? Well, it seems that they drew…uh, "spirit straws" backstage to determine the challenger to John Cena’s spinny title. You know who got the nod? 20 year old Kenny Doane – that’s who. Ken promises Vince that he’ll make him proud. Now that that’s all said, let’s kick this show off to a big start. It’s the Divas…in a tag match…dressed as cheerleaders! There’s a big Spirit Squad cheer and the night begins much like a fruit cocktail smothered in cheddar. It could be fruity. It could be cheesy. Either way, it’s next. Grab a fork.

Raw Theme Plays.

We’re live and Jim Ross sure does a great Joey Styles impression. I swear, he starts the show off and he’s like "I’m Joey Styles alongside Jerry Lawler!" I couldn’t believe it. I was like, "That’s amazing. He sounds just like him." Crazy. Oh J.R., is there anything you can’t do?

Last month…Mick Foley used barbed wire and thumbtacks in his match against Edge. It was pretty hardcore Anyway, tonight the R Rated Superstar is going to be joined by Mick Foley. Maybe they’ll bleed all over each other for old time’s sake.

"Joey Styles" asks Jerry Lawler if he’s going to "explode" during the Diva Cheerleader Match. Jerry responds that he hopes he doesn’t "prematurely." Yuck.  After that exchange, we see a video of Trish Stratus breaking her ass last night in the match with Mickie. Good ol’ J.S. tells us that Strats is out of action and will need "several weeks of therapy." Funny enough, that’s about how much therapy it’ll take to get Lawler’s line about prematurely spackling himself while doing commentary out of my head.

1) Cheerleader Costume Match: Maria and Torrie Wilson defeated Mickie James and Victoria when Maria pinned Mickie

With the nucleus of the women’s division out of action pending therapy, WWE needs to reshuffle and find a good challenger for Mickie James. This wasn’t an attempt to do that. It was simply what you would expect to see. Wilson gave the evil ladies a double stinkface in the corner and then Maria hit them with a Bronco Buster. Essentially, it’s like no core porn. You know how there’s hardcore porn? Then below that, the tamer stuff is softcore? Well this is no core. I mean, it’s sexual, but it’s not. Making matters worse is that both the moves the ladies did were first done by men. It was Rikishi that used to slam his butt into the fallen faces of his foes. As for the flying face f**k, that was X-Pac’s gift to the world. Now the ladies do it for their no core porn fans. Funny stuff. In the end, the Stratus made a surprise appearance. When Mickie had Maria lifted for a scoop slam, Trisha grabbed her ankle and yanked it. M.J. fell and the announcer lady scored the pin fall. Ria pinned the Women’s Champion! It’s a major upset! Can lightning strike twice?

Still to come: John Cena faces Kenny of the Spirit Squad. At 20 years old, can the Ken-Man become the youngest WWE Champion? We’ll find out. First watch a commercial. Jerry Lawler needs time to clean himself up after that last match.

Commercial Break. Yo, I’m sorry but if I ever went out to my yard and saw two geckos sitting on a leaf and peaking English to each other…I’m pretty sure I’d kill them.

The Spirit Squad are front and center in the ring. Seems three of them are gearing up for a six-man tag. Their opponents? You can call them…the Odd Squad.

Cue the Odd Squad.

You mean Golga and big guy in the beanie?

2. The Spirit Squad defeated the Odd Squad (Gene Snitsky, Eugene Dinsmore, and Goldust) when Johnny pinned Eugene.

So that’s what’s become of Gene Snitksy and Eugene. They’re in the Odd Squad. Yeah, remember Snitsky? Remember how he killed Kane’s baby? Huh? Remember how that was a major angle that played out for a year before introducing Gene as a monster villain? Yeah. Me too. Now he’s in the Odd Squad. As for Eugene, he was more over than anyone back in 2004. He beat the world and even gave the Game a run for his money at Randy Orton’s Summerslam. The next month, Hunter ate him in a cage. Now he’s in the Odd Squad too. As for Goldust – shit, he’s lucky to get paid. I guess you could say that It’s good to know people in the company…if you weeeeeelllll. I swear, if Dusty Rhodes ever got a job at McDonald’s, Dustin would be frying up fries before you could say Son of a Son. Halfway through the match, right after Lawler and J.S. mocked Eric Bischoff for having a "special" nephew, we shot backstage to Mr. McMahon. Vinnie was enjoying the match on a monitor. Then again, he also had Candice Michele on his lap. If I had Candice Michele on my lap, I’d enjoy the match too. In the end, it was the Footlover, Eugo, and Fry Boy taking the loss to the S.S. Johnny Jeter hit Dinsmore with a "Johnny Go-Round" kick and scored the pin. Nothing special here at all. Lawler says, "Spirit Squad – One. Odd Squad – Zero." (JG Note: Incidentally, the Mod Squad has three, so technically they win.)

Still to come: The Goofy Guy that everybody boos faces the Goofy Guy that everybody boos.

Commercial Break. This weekend, USA Network is showing "Freddy vs. Jason." They’re fighting? Wow. Prinze vs. Priestly, eh? I knew it would come to this. There can be only one.

During the commercial break, Maria was doing her "Kiss Cam." Basically, she makes people kiss. Mickie James doesn’t like that. So she came out and beat the dumb out of her. After planting Ria with a Mickie DDT, James screamed in her face. What’s the point of doing website things during the commercials, if you’re going to show the good internet stuff on TV when it happens? I love how they show the "exclusive" footage on TV. So much for being exclusive.

Odd Squadron Member Eugene Dinsmore is chilling with Turtleface Todd Grishinator backstage. Todd tells Eugene that he has been instructed by his Spirit Bosses to ask the following question: How does it feel to lose tonight? Dinsmore responds that it doesn’t feel very good. However, E.D. tells T.T.G. that his Uncle Eric Bischoff always told him to never quit. Suddenly the Odd Squader realizes that he got confused.  Uncle Sleazy never told him that!  Hell, Eric wanted Dins to quit every day! Eugene says that Bischoff was a "jerk" and follows up with, "Kiss my butt, Uncle Eric. At least I still have a job." On that note, Dean Douglas Matt Striker runs in. He plasters his foe with a dictionary and then leans in for this:

"Look the word up in the dictionary, Eugene. Never disrespect your teacher!"
               - Matt Striker, 9:26pm

This line made no sense. Look what word up in the dictionary? Doesn’t Matt know how a dictionary works? You need to know the word you’re looking up. Sheesh. This guy really did take a lot of days off.

This week in wrestling history: Vince McMahon and "the product of his semen" beat Shawn Michaels and God. This whole storyline should be called "Vince makes Vince laugh and that’s all that matters."

Big Show, Shawn Michaels, and Charlie Haas are all watching My Super Sweet Sixteen on a backstage monitor when the Spirit Squad bust in the joint. They confront Kid Heartbreak and get in his face. Here’s the deal, Shawnathon. You’re getting the night off…from wrestling. That’s right. You get to be a special referee. The match? Kane vs. Rob Conway. Want to know what you’re wearing? Well, it’s a big yellow shirt with "May 19^th" written all over it. Yes, May 19^th as in the date that drives Kane crazy. HBK seems perplexed and I have to admit, this was a really funny idea. When I saw the shirt, I laughed out loud.

Commercial Break. Axe Dry is introducing me to the Game Killers. I don’t know why. I mean, I joke about Triple H but I don’t want to hire someone to do anything. Come on, Axe Dry. What’s up with you? You a cop?  Huh?  You wearing a wire, deodorant stick?! Huh?! You wearing a f**kin’ wire?!

We’re live at ringside and Jim Ross has really gone all out. He’s not only doing the Joey Styles impression, but he’s made up to look just like him. Wait. Oh, hold up. That really is Joey Styles. Oh. OK. OK. I see. Alright, so, uh, Kane and Conway are next.

Hey, God. Listen…it’s Shawn. About that whole storyline thing, that was like for jokes. Hee hee. I’m just, you know, confirming the reservation for heaven, man. Just, you know, I’m still cool. I mean, we’re still cool, right?

3. Guest Referee Shawn Michaels: Kane pinned Rob Conway after a Tombstone

Dude, as if Conway wasn’t guaranteed a beating enough. Now he gets Kane before May 19^th. Speaking of the Con-Man, he looks better now that he’s had a Planet Stasiak-like make-over. Before he reminded me of the leather biker at the Blue Oyster in the Police Academy movies. That’s no good. Speaking of not good, Michaels took off his May 19^th shirt prior to the Big Red Machine’s arrival. When checking Conway for weapons, Shawn gave Connie a low blow and slipped the shirt onto him. From that point on, Kane beat the snot out of him. With the Rocker’s blessing, he pummeled Conway with fists and trash cans to the point where you almost felt bad for the former La Resister. It might have been better if Conway had done something really vile before the match that made this beatdown seem justified. Prior to this all he was doing was Heat. When the Monster tried to leave, Shawn took the microphone and said "May 19^th." When Red turned back to the ring, Michaels pretended it was R.C. who said it. Kane-o hit the Tombstone and then scored himself a little old victory.

The best part of this match was how the announcers were playing it up like HBK was a genius. They made it seem that he came to some big master plan in avoiding the May 19^th shirt situation. They relished in how he "outsmarted" them! Uh, Joey, Jerry…all he did was take the shirt off. That’s it. That takes thought? They made him wear a shirt…so he took it off before hand. It’s not quantum physics. Speaking of which, Ziggy says that there’s a 99% chance you’re about to go to a commercial, Sam! Sam!

Commercial Break. I’ll have the roast duck…with the mango salsa.

We return to Armando Alejandro Estrada. AAE cuts his customary promo and tells the world of how Umaga beat the Nature Crap out of Ric Flair last night. Now he’ll beat down anyone else who wants to step to him. Anyone! Even this ham and egger in the ring. Hey, punk-ass, you don’t got no robe. You’re not Ric Flair! No matter. You’ll go down just the same to Oooooooooooooooooomaga!

4. Umaga pinned Rory Fox after the Spiked Thumb

Slam! Squish! Squash! Thumb! UMAGA!

Backstage on the famous leather couch, Vince McMahon is feeling up Candice Michele. She had a chest cold. Vinnie healed it. Now she wants to know if he’ll cure her "labia-gytis." He says he’s never heard of that ailment and wonders if it’s "acute." She says it is. For those taking notes:

Labia n. pl. la·bi·a (-b - )

1. Anatomy.
2. Any of four folds of tissue of the female external genitalia.

So Candice has an illness there. Work or shoot – you decide. Anyway, Uncle Horny starts to ravage the Playmate when she suddenly screams. Standing behind them…is Triple H. (JG Note: Oooo. How embarrassing. I mean the TV cameras and millions of people watching at home are ok, but Hunter watching there…that’s just uncomfortable. Good for Candy. I mean, a girl has to have some boundaries, right?)

Helmsley asks his father in law about the "flashlight in your pocket." There’s some chuckles and the two then get to business. Vinnie tells the King of Kings. that he deserves a special spot on tonight’s show. Tell you what, Gameboy. How’s about reffing tonight’s match between Kenny and Johnny Cena? Huh? H-Man tells daddy that he has a better idea. How about making it the WWE Champion versus the Cerebral One? How’s that grab ya? VKM turns him down. How could he not? After his conduct unbecoming a K.o.K. last night, Trippy deserves no reward. Tell you what, Vincenzo. Hunt will make you a deal. With Gamy reffing, he’ll make sure that Spirit Boy comes out on top in tonight’s title match. Then HHH will get a shot at the new champion…next week…with the Spirit Squad banned from ringside. The Game can smell the gold from here and he likes it. He likes it a lot. Vinnie Mac-in-law doesn’t like the smug nature of Mr. Sideburns McGameface. He tells his family member to do as he’s told because the boss can see to it that he don’t get a title shot until he's "an old man." There's a staredown between the two and we officially get on board for the Triple H Babyface Train.  Choo choo! 

Commercial Break. I found out that my cats learned how to dial the phone and were ordering all sorts of crazy stuff from 1-800-Pet-Meds. They were throwing these crazy cat raves when we went out. Damn you, Pet Meds. You ruined our lives!

Lita is in the ring and she demands that everyone stand up and pay their respects to "the most watched champion in the last five years."

Cue the most watched champion in the last five years.

Brock Lesnar?

Adam Copeland has his knit cap on and he’s doing the bug eyes at the audience. Respect? Ha!  You people didn't show any to the Edgeman. That’s really shocking. It’s almost as shocking as Copeland’s public beating of John Cena and Triple H last night, huh?  Remember that?  Sadly, it was all moot. Adam lost the match, despite the fact that Hunter took the pinfall. Sucks, right? Anywho, the Canadian Casanova tells us that he still can lay claim to that title. His rematch is all but set. Still, like Rodney Dangerfield, Edge gets no respect. Case in point – his WrestleMania match with Mick Foley. You know what happened? It was called by an "ECW reject" like Joey Styles. Ouch. Lawler chuckles while Mr. R hammers his point home with this:

"Oh my God, Joey! You suck."
                      - Edge

Speaking of suck, let’s gets A.C.’s Mania opponent into this ring. Mr. Foley, bang bang your ass out here!

Mick Foley then arrives and delivers one of the strangest speeches ever. I thought he was about to pass out.

"Seems that Edge has not forgotten our little Wrestlemania match. To tell you the truth, I haven’t forgotten about it either. For weeks on end, Edge, that match was all I thought about 24/7. I watched the tape. I searched my soul. I watched the tape! I searched my soul trying to figure out where things had gone wrong. But the more I watched the tape. The more I searched my roll. The more I came to realize that things had not gone wrong for me on that night. Things had gone very, very right. At WrestleMania, I was meaner than I’d ever been. More prepared. More focused. More hardcore than I had ever been. And the more I watched the tape, the more I searched my soul. The more I came to know that on that one night, I had been involved in not only the greatest hardcore match of my career, but quite possibly the greatest hardcore match in wrestling history!"
                                        - Mick Foley

Hey, I wonder if he watched tape and searched his soul.  Mick goes on to put over Edge, calling him the toughest son-of-a bitch in WWE. He shook his hand and gave Lita a kiss on the cheek.  To be honest, I tuned him out after the Tony Shiavone-like oversell. Also, what was that about searching a roll? (Note to anyone who goes to Mick Foley’s house for lunch: Don’t eat the sandwich rolls.) Foley says something about finally getting his WrestleMania moment this year. He directs us to the Titantron to see said Mania Moment.

WrestleMania Moment: Edge and Foley go through a flaming table. That’s not fair. I wouldn't say it was flaming. It’s more flamboyant, really.

Apparently the tape is just making Mankind all hot and bothered. He wants another run at that, Adam. He wants you…in a rematch…tonight! Ahhhhh! Tonight! Everyone cheers.

Copeland contemplates the offer and starts to answer. He’s upset, though. Nice timing, Cactus. You wait until the day after Edge’s "hellacious triple threat match." (JG Note: Yet he looks fine today.) Last night, he was hit in the head with a chair. (JG Note: Yet he looks fine today.) Also, he was smacked in the face with a sledgehammer! (JG Note: Yet he looks fine today.) His girlfriend got spinebustered! (JG Note: Yet she looks fine today.) He still has Strep Throat after "doing Raw in front of those limeys in the U.K.! (JG Note: Yet he looks fine tod…well, to be fair, you wouldn’t actually be able to see if someone looks sick from Strep Throat. Fine, WWE. You win…this time.) Now you challenge Edgy!? You want a shot at the Edgemeister tonight? You’re on….

The crowd goes buck. Joey Styles then says, "Next week!" I have no idea why he said this considering that no one had ever mentioned next week. It was all about a match tonight. That’s the point of the whole segment. Who’s feeding this guy his lines? Allan Funt?

…crack! Yeah, Edge was faking us out.  He wasn't accepting.  He was just telling Dude Love that he must be hittin’ the rock if he thought he’d get a RematchMania tonight. Not happenin’, Scooter. No. Nope. Nevernevernen. Neverereeno. However, since you were good enough to come out here and lay down the challenge the E-Man will take you on in any match you want…next week!

The Bestseller tells Mr. R Rated to go home and rest up. Why? Cause next week is going to be a match based on the Pamela Anderson Cinematic masterpiece, Barb Wire! Cactus tells his foe that he’s in for some pain. So try to…have a nice day! Friends to the end. Hi-dee-ho. Ha ha ha.

Still to come: Two, four, six, eight…what do we appreciate? Poopies! Poopies! Yaaaaayyyyy poopies!

Commercial Break. Daddy, where do candy bars come from? "Well honey, it starts when M&Ms and chocolate have dirty sex on the floor. "

Chris Masters gets some microphone time. Why? ‘Cause it’s funny. Moose tells us all that last night’s loss to Carlito was a fluke! If he gets another opportunity at the young Colon, Masters will have him spitting out teeth instead of apples. Now, moving on, Rob Van Dam is on the Masterpiece Hitlist. Yeah. Mr. Money in the Bank might have the Intercontinental Title around his waist, but there’s one thing he can’t do. He can’t break the Full Nelson from Hell. You may know it as – dum dum dum – the Masterlock.

Rob Van Dam arrives with his airbrushed briefcase and shiny gold belt. Mr. Monday in the Bank tells his Full Nelson Fetished Foe that he’s ready for what he has. With that, he sits in the folding chair and prepares for the Masterlock.

One arm locks in.

The other arm locks in.

The Challenge begins.

Van Dam flails around like a rag doll for all of two seconds before Shelton Benjamin, wearing his Rocky Maivia shirt, runs in and opens up on the new IC Champ. After a few punches, Robby V finds a savior in the form of the guy who kicked his ass while he was injured…Carlito Cool. Carl brings a chair with him and all hell is about to break loose until one of the Sprit Squad arrives.

It’s Nick and he’s nasty. He calls an end to all this insanity. Chill, guys. The G.M. has a cheer to read:

"There’s no need to scream,

there’s no need to shout,

the four of you are now wrestling in a tag team bout.

Oh yeah and that starts right now!"
                            - Nick, 10:20pm

Well, not really. "Right now" means "after the break" in wrestling time.  It's just how things are done around here. 

Commercial Break.

5. Rob Van Dam and Carlito Cool defeated Shelton Benjamin and Chris Masters when Carlito pinned Benjamin

OK. Two main things happened in this match. First, Vince McMahon was still grinding up on Candice Michele. Then, Joey Styles received word that the Spirit Squad wanted to see him…now. Styles walked away, leaving Jerry Lawler to puppy it up on his own. The match was pretty nondescript, though. It was a way of giving two feuds air time at once and came off that way. Sadly, the promo by Masters before the match implied that his conflict with Carlito was finito. In fact, I was kind of happy about that. Now it’s back on the burner. Speaking of burned, it was Shelton Benjamin who got burned in this one. With a chair in hand, Benji found himself stopped by his former partner Charlie Haas! Shelly stumbled back and was rolled up for the tights-assisted pin by Triple C! He did it! Haas cost Shelton the match! This is Charlie’s second greatest moment in his life. What’s the first? Why being on the first edition of JG’s Radio Free Insanity, of course. Duh.

Smackdown Rebound. Mark Henry’s new gimmick is that he fake injures people who have to take time off for real injuries. This week, he took out Kurt Angle. Every office needs a Mark Henry. No one would take time off.

Mr. Duncan, I have a cold. I was wondering if I could go home early.

Sure thing, Gerald. Let’s just call in Mark Henry to give you a fake powerbomb through the water cooler and we’ll send you on your way.

The Spirit Squad have a leather couch and an office almost identical to Mr. McMahon’s. It has green balloons in it though, so that makes it a different room. Joey Styles is there too. Apparently the Spriters have issue with Joey’s announce style. He has no "spirit!" Angered, Styles says, "I’m just doing my job." The S.S. Minnow tell their captive Sammy that he’s got to get some spirit tonight or else they’ll get Mr. McMahon to make you wear…this! (JG Note: "This" was a diva cheerleading outfit. They got one in his size.) They order J.S. to energetically announce Kenny as the new WWE Champion. He does, but they say it hasn’t got enough spirit. He tries again, but still fails so the Squad shows him. They all pitch in to a giant Kenny chant. It comes off pretty bizarre. Joe takes off and leaves the Green Mountain Boys to chant about themselves

Commercial Break. See See No Evil.

See See No Evil…See See No Evil.

What does C.C. Deville’s Mexican gardener say
when asked if his boss is nice?

HI-OH!

Back at the announce table, Joey Styles has returned and Jerry Lawler is getting all JBL on his newbie ass. He tells Styles to give us the Kenny cheer into the microphone, but he won’t. That’s when Lawler says the "E" word. He tells Joe that if this was ECW, he might have some real excitement. Then this happened:

Joey Styles: If this was ECW, I wouldn’t be working with a hack like you.

Oooooo.

Jerry Lawler: No, no, no. That’s good, Joey. That’s showing some spirit. You’re finally showing some spirit. I like that.

Joey Styles: King, you wanna see some spirit?

With that, Joey gives Jerry a shove. Then another. Then another. Finally, he slaps him. The King is mortified and shoves Styles to the ground. Looking like Ralphie in A Christmas Story right before he pounded Scott Fargas, Joe Styles walks off in a huff while the peeps chant EC-Dub!

Commercial Break. The 4400 is coming back on June 11^th. I feel like it’s been 4400 years since its last season.

We’re back and Jerry Lawler is still on his own. King Jerry addresses his royal audience and apologizes for what happened before the break. Taking it a step further, Lawler gives an "I’m sorry" to Joey Styles as well. He takes full responsibility and calls for Joey to return.

Joey Styles does, in fact, return. However, he doesn’t have his glasses on, which means he’s evil Joey Styles.  No italics on this rant.  It's too long for italics, but damn - it's a good one.

"You wanna apologize like nothing happened? Like you didn’t knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide? And I’m gonna come down there and work with you. I’m not coming back and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary. Six months ago, WWE called me! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I wasn’t looking for a job. WWE called me because they had humiliated and fired – again – Jim Ross! So I get J.R.’s spot and from week one, week after week, I got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I’m not allowed to say pro wrestling. I’m not allowed to say wrestler. I have to say "sports entertainment" and refer to the wrestlers as "superstars." I’m told to deliberately ignore the moves and holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well ignoring the moves and holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the wrestlers – not the entertainers – who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! Now here’s the best part since I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania. And the reason I’m given is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place. That makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill. I’m the company guy. I get pulled from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped from Backlash? I’m not good enough to call BACKLASH?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own. Solo. No color commentators dragging me down. Wasn’t done before me and hasn’t been done since! But I’m not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. You know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders. I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen. He mocks God! He mocks God! And he makes out with divas all to feed his insatiable ego. I am sick of sports entertainment. And most of all, I’m sick of you fans that actually buy into that crap. This sports entertainment circus! I never needed this job and I don’t want this job anymore. I quit!
                                       - Joey Styles

Holy jeez. This reminded me of the scene in half baked where Scarface quits his job by saying, "F**k you. F**k you. F**k you. You’re cool. F**k you. I’m out!"

Oh, and by the way, for more on what announcers and employees are told by WWE, check out World Wrestling Insanity: The Book. It’s in there. Wait, we’re not done with the segment yet. After Joey Styles left, Jerry Lawler said this:

"You know, we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick. Maybe Joey Styles would be  more at home in a bingo hall kissing Paul Heyman’s ass! Idiot."
                   - Jerry Lawler

Gosh! What a flippin’ idiot! Dang!  Great "shoot" by Joey.  It did more for his character in two minutes than six months at that announce table sitting on telephone books.

It’s the Game! He’s the guest referee and his bruised face means business. Is tonight the night that John Cena’s title reign finally comes to a sweet sweet end? Close your eyes and wish real hard, Forest. God, God, make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here.

Before the match begins, Todd Grisham scurries to ringside to call commentary alongside Jerry Lawler. Thank goodness.

6. WWE Champion John Cena pinned Kenny Doane after the F-U

This match wasn’t special. Then again, you couldn’t expect much. Kenny is on his way to the top, but he’s got some more time left before that happens. This match was more about the Game and his gamy presence in ref’s stripes. In fact, Ken took things just a tad too far when Triple Ref didn’t count fast enough for his liking. The brash youngster walked up and physically pushed Mr. Steph into the corner. The Cerebral Assassin responded with a right hand to the chops. The rest of the S.S. went nuts and Mikey rushed into the ring. H hit him with a Pedigree and tore his ref shirt off. He then brushed off the match and left the ring. Once he reached the top of the aisle, Helmsley ran into another special guest referee…Shawn Michaels.

Despite two guest refs appearing in the same place at once, the space-time continuum did not break. Instead they simply stared longingly into each other’s eyes before walking in opposite directions. HBK went to the ring. HHH went fro.

Upon entering the squared circle, referee Shawn was greeted with a Kenny cover. After hitting the Alabama Jam, Doane was all but assured victory. The Boy Toy only counted to two, though. He stopped at three and walked away. After tossing a crotch chop to the other Spiriters, the Heartbreak Kid made it clear whose side he was on. Alongside Cena, he opened up a biblical can of whoop ass on the Cheer Team. After cleaning house on the crew, J.C. finally hit Kendell with the F-U and scored the pinfall. Still WWE Champion – John Cena. Somewhere in the world, a child is crying. Fade to black.

All in all…Up until the last half hour or so, Raw sucked…hard.

Speaking of "sucks," you know what really sucks? I’ll tell ya.  WWE is actually aware of what stinks about their product. They know! Hell, they had Joey Styles cut a "shoot" on it. When you can script a shoot on your own company and pinpoint your stupidity (Boogers, Cheerleaders, Semen, God), why not just correct them? It’s really insane. At least when other promotions cut "shoots" on your company’s low points, you can always argue that you don’t listen to their critiques. A company can always say, "Well we don’t watch the competition so we don’t know what they’re saying." In this case, WWE is saying it about themselves! It was said on Raw. That makes it a WWE promo. If they know enough to script it, they should know enough to fix it.

That being said, I thought Styles did great. That’s who he is. That’s what works. I’m glad to see him back in business and hopefully being put into an environment he’s comfortable with. Watching Joey call Raw for the last few months has been like when Kirk Cameron became a teacher in the later years of Growing Pains. You know what I mean? It just felt wrong.

As for ECW coming back – so be it. I think WWE’s marketing of something that shouldn’t be marketed will ultimately fail. If it doesn’t fail creatively, it’ll fail politically. There’s nothing about this that should work. That’s just what I think. But, to be honest, this is one of those times where I’m really hoping I end up wrong.

Triple H’s walkout in the main event all but ensures we’ll get a face turn. After all, he’s now defied Mr. McMahon and chosen personal pride over his title lust. That’s a big step for the Game. Proud of you, Sideburns. Proud of you.

I don’t hate Umaga. I actually kind of like the whole thing. I know people were losing their sheet over Maga’s squasha on Ric Flair last night. I was actually pretty OK with it. We need a real kick-ass savage character. There hasn’t been one in a while. I mean, I’m glad that we’re getting all these pure wrestlers and high flyers, but where’s the Killer Khans of a new generation? Where’s the Sikas? Who’s going to be there to eat the envelope for the Slammy Winner for Best Song on the Piledriver album? Umaga – That’s who!

I sound like a broken record, but I thought the idea of Mick Foley retiring was that he didn’t want to put his body through so much abuse anymore. Look, I’m not coming down on him for coming back. That was expected. Sure, the shot at Hogan on the way out about not making a return every few months came back to bite him in the ass, but it was expected. Of course he’d return. I just didn’t think he’d return and throw himself through a flaming table. Now he’s going to do a barbed wire match next week. So it goes. Bang bang.

Overall tilted show tonight. The end was great, but the buildup was terrible. If you joined Raw at 10:30, you loved it. If you joined it at 9, then you might have fallen asleep by the time it got good. Yeah, so that’s not so great. If ever a show rested on a few select segments, this was the show.

Well that does it for me. Be sure to check back for this week’s guest on JG’s Radio Free Insanity. While you’re at it, check out last week’s show show with the Iron Sheik and Bryan Alvarez. One of them threatens to sodomize Brian Blair. Can you guess which?

Be well and thanks for reading!

Contact James Guttman: James@ WorldWrestlingInsanity.com